"If I'd have known the celestial avenger was bloodied," Mikey was saying as Chloe approached, "I'd have totally given him my healing potion." Mikey was animated, jumping up from his seat and swinging his arms. By contrast, Steph was sat, behind a series of sheets and books arranged into a wall in front of her. "It was the least I could do. Especially after…"
"Really? A potion?" she interrupted, coyly. "It was a skill challenge, Mikey. A Potion wouldn't have worked."
"Yeah, I totally knew that," said Mikey, sitting back down. "That's why I didn't go for it. Elamon the wise, that's me."
"North, you're so full of shit," giggled Steph, then, noticing Chloe approaching, "Hi Chloe."
"Hi Steph," said Chloe, walking up to them. "HI Mikey." She looked around at the various fantasy paraphernalia arranged on the table. "Skill challenge?"
"It's part of the tabletop game we play," said Steph, nodding at the table.
"Yeah, you wouldn't understand, it's…" said Mikey, quickly, but Chloe interrupted.
"Really, Mikey? I used to play, you know," said Chloe, "with my friend Max, when we… when she was here," and then, quickly changing the subject, "got my DVD, dude?"
"Yeah," said Steph, reaching into her bag and pulling out a jewel case, "here you go. One Bladerunner Director's Cut coming right up."
"Ah, sweet. Five bucks, right?" Chloe reached into her pocket, but Steph waved her down.
"Keep it," said Steph. "I'm just glad that someone appreciates the classics. I mean, you even asked for the Director's cut, which took out that shitty voice over and replaced it with a sweet dream sequence."
"Dream on. Dream life over real life?"
"Something like that."
"I was wondering about the Final Cut, to be honest. I know it's the only one that Scott actually had creative freedom over, but I'm not sure of the difference."
"It's basically a remaster more than anything, I think, although I have heard there are… well, I can't… spoilers. To be honest, it's been on my watch list for a while, but I've never really got around to watching it. I'll let you know if it's worth watching."
"Ah okay, well, I'll see what this one's like. Ma… my friend and I used to like watching it. Before she went away."
"Ah, I'm sorry about that Chloe," said Steph. "But you've made new friends, right?"
"Yeah, about that…" said Chloe, a little awkwardly.
"Hey, Chloe," said Steph, suddenly. "Do you know if Rachel's a gamer?"
"Rachel… Rachel Amber?"
"Yeah."
"You're asking me?"
"Well, didn't the two of you go out last night?"
"Why do you want to know?"
At this, Mikey broke out laughing. "Steph has a cru-u-ush!"
"Shut up, Mikey!" snapped Steph, and then, to Chloe, "I just wondered, that's all. So you are just friends?"
"Yeah, like, I didn't know she was there last night. It's not like we went there together or nothing."
"Cool." Steph and Mikey exchanged a quick glance and Mikey nodded almost imperceptibly. "Would you… like to join our game?"
"I'd love to," said Chloe, "but like, I don't have fifty hours to spare at the moment. So little to do, so much time. No wait," she circled her hands, "take that, switch it around. Got it?"
"Ha ha, like you're Willy Wonka," said Steph.
"Hey, well done!" Chloe grinned. "That's worth at least fifty points. Not an easy one at all."
"You don't have to worry, we're at the end of a campaign," she said, "you don't need fifty hours. Like twenty minutes? You've got that before class, right?"
"Uh, yeah, sure," said Chloe, taking a seat next to Mikey. "What the hell. Game on, nerds." She grinned. "Who am I? What am I? Am I someone cool, like some awesome godlike half-deity with a big fuck-off hammer? Or the one-eyed shagster which had to cut out his own eye to escape from the diabolical trap that his nemesis had caught him in. Or maybe I'm…"
"Okay, quiet time now," said Steph. "It's my turn to speak." She cleared her throat and adopted a narrative voice. "The Kingdom of Avernon was a peaceful land, lush green pastures and rolling hills. A veritable paradise to live in. However, two months ago the bloodthirsty Raiders of the Black Well laid waste to this land, riding in, murdering at random, taking anything they wanted: suppliers, resources, women, children. Disgusted by this, you decide to do something about it. 'No more!' you shouted, to the void. Alone, you have fought your way to the raider camps, seeking their leader, the one known as Duurgaron the Unscarred. You enter the camp on foot, tired and battle-scarred after your hard-fought campaign. Ahead of you, you see a figure approaching from the opposite direction. That's you," she whispered to Chloe.
Mikey stood up and puffed out his chest. "I raise my staff to you in greeting, fair traveller," he said, replacing his normal voice with one much deeper. "'I am Elamon, wizard of the third circle, foremost advisor to Tiberius, exalted King of Kirk... I mean, of Avernon, and sworn defender of these fair lands.'"
Chloe giggled. "Kirk?" she said, and Mikey reddened as Steph handed her a character sheet. Chloe looked down at the sheet and raised her eyebrows.
"'Ho'," she said, raising her right hand. "I'm an… " she lowered her voice conspiratorially, "an elf barbarian?"
"Yeah," said Steph.
"'I'm… Barb, the elf barbarian'," said Chloe, and Mikey snorted into his drink.
"No, no, no, Steph, come on," he said, but his protests were waved away.
"Give… Barb… a chance, okay?" she said, and Mikey sighed.
"Uh, hi, uh… Barb," said Mikey.
"The two heroes…" began Steph, but she was cut off by Mikey.
"Hold on a moment," he said. "Elamon narrows his eyes at the elf in front of him. 'I am here to defeat Duurgaron the Unscarred in the name of King Tiberius of Avernon. What makes you think you are worthy to fight alongside me?'"
Chloe looked down at her character sheet, then grinned. "Says here that I taught your previous King Kirk everything he knows, including his signature dance move. 'So Elamon, what makes you think you are worthy to fight alongside me?'"
"You gave her that elf barbarian, Steph?" whispered Mikey.
"Yup."
"Shit. 'Okay, Barb,'" he said, raising his voice again. "'I have heard of you in the castle. King Tiberius owes you his life, although we in the castle really wish you hadn't taught him that dance move.'" Here Mikey shook his head dramatically. "'He won't stop it. I mean, it's all the time now. He's even using it as a greeting.'" Chloe smiled at the improvisation. "'It will be my honour and privilege to fight alongside you.'"
"'Damn straight,'" said Chloe. "'Now, let's get going. I feel the urge to twat something.'" She ignored Steph's giggles. "'Lead on, bwana.'"
"You stand at a crossing of the ways. Ahead of you lies an enormous, ostentatious tent that could only belong to Duurgaron the Unscarred…"
"Let's get him," said Chloe, eagerly, but Mikey waved her down.
"Wait, let's see our other options," he said. "There could be some good loot."
"Good point," conceded Chloe. "Loot is always good, except when it's shit."
"… while to your left, what looks like the raiders' training ground. Away to your right, their prison camp."
"Still say twat the Durgy guy," said Chloe.
"'Surely, it's our duty to free the prisoners,'" said Mikey. "'King Tiberius would surely be pleased at the freedom of his citizens.'"
"'Agreed,'" said Chloe. "'King Kirk already owes me one, after I set him up with that perky… ahem, but enough of that. Now I can up the stakes. Let's free the prisoners.'" Mikey giggled and Chloe smiled back.
This is actually kinda cool.
"Okay. You walk up to the Prison Camp," said Steph, looking down at her notes. "It's kind of a field, really. Large cages dot the landscape, standing there like Easter Island figures, watching you approach. Each cage holds a human prisoner, all calling to you for help."
"Are there any guards I can twat?" said Chloe.
"You behold a single guard, an elderly dragonkin. He looks up as you approach and, in terror, bounds into one of the few empty cages and locks himself inside."
"Shit," said Mikey. "Now what?"
"Aww, poor wittle guy," said Chloe. "Um, what's a dragonkin?"
"Dragonkin are like little dragon people," said Mikey. "They're basically assholes. I bet he has all the keys."
"Oh, okay," said Chloe. "I walk up to the cage. 'Hey shithead! Get out of there!'"
"The dragonkin hops up and down, jabbering in some strange language. He shakes a large ring of keys at you."
"What's he saying?"
"You don't understand him."
"Elamon, got anything useful in that robe of yours?"
"Nothing that wouldn't blow up the cage and everything in it."
"Alohamora?"
Steph looked at Chloe. "Alohamora?" she said, dryly. "Really? Crossover much?"
"Could've worked," said Chloe, trying to hide a smirk. "I mean, he is a wizard. And a thumping good 'un, I guess. Specially now he's been trained up a bit."
"Okay, okay!" said Steph, laughing. "He doesn't know that spell, because it doesn't exist in this world!"
"Intimidate. That's a skill I have," said Chloe, looking at her character sheet. "I can do that, right? I want to make the little bastard shit his pants."
"You can try. What do you say?"
"Um, 'listen up, you little shit…'"
"Unfortunately," said Steph, grinning evilly, "he doesn't speak Common, which means he can't understand a word that…"
"I cast Communication on the dragonkin," said Mikey, triumphantly.
"Shit, really?" said Steph, her face falling.
"Now he can understand you, um, Barb," said Mikey. "Over to you."
"So this is a skill challenge," said Steph, looking at Chloe. "What you need to do is…"
"I know what this is," said Chloe. "I grab the bars of the cage and lean in, nice and close."
"He steps back, his scaly skin quivering in fear. What do you say?"
"'Hi there, little dragonkin guy,'" said Chloe, in a low and very steady voice. "'Would you like a special prize? You could become my meat puppet. Yeah. It's sooo easy. All you do is nothing. All I do is shove my hand and arm so far up your ass into your head, that I can control your mouth from the inside. Sound like fun?'"
"He doesn't seem to like that idea," said Steph.
"Neither do I," said Mikey, screwing up his mouth. "Ew, really, Chloe, I mean, Barb?"
"The dragonkin pleads with you. 'Please don't harm me, o great and tall one. I cannot give you key. Duurgaron much taller and meaner than you. Will make you meat puppet.'"
"'I don't think so. Perhaps we can stay here and wait it out. You look half dead already, dude. Old age's a bitch, ain't it?'"
"He is undaunted. 'I will eat your face, elven garbage lady', he squeals."
"Elven garbage lady?" said Mikey.
"Eat. My. Face?" said Chloe, looking at Steph, who shrugged in defence.
"I'm trying," she said. "I had to come up with something quick."
"I show him my fist," said Chloe. "'I call this the ripper, little dude, you know why? Because it's really good for reaching down dragonkin throats and ripping our dragonkin stomachs.'"
"The little dragonkin considers your words as he cowers with fear before you. He looks left, then he looks right…"
"'… careful, Barb,'" said Mikey.
"… then he opens his jaws, as if he's about to yell for help…"
"… I interrupt his yell by shoving my axe into the cage, pinning his head to the bars without hurting him. Then I say the following…"
"… oh, this is gonna be good…" said Mikey.
"… 'here's what's going to happen, little man. I'm going to carve the skin from your bones. Then, I'm going to fashion and nice little cute leather handbag that I'll shove your skinless body into, so I can carry it around with me wherever I go. That way, the next time total shitwank refuses to give me a key,'" at this point Chloe slammed her hand onto the table, causing the map and figures to jump into the air, "'I can pull your body out of the cute bag and show them what happens when I don't get what I want.'"
"Holy… holy shit!" exclaimed Mikey. Steph, to her credit, looked physically ill.
"That's… that's fucked up," she said, quietly, swallowing hard.
"'And you know what else? If you decide not to help me and do something monumentally stupid, like, say, swallow the key, I'm going to shove this axe into your stomach and twist it around and around. Then, I'm going to reach into your stomach and pull out the key. Then, as you slowly die, I'll hold the key in front of you and laugh.'"
"Man, that's totally nuts!" said Mikey.
"I'm going to give you a… plus ten boost to Charisma," said Steph. "Go ahead and roll."
Chloe rolled the twenty-sided die. "Fourteen," she said. "Plus ten. Twenty-four."
"A small pool of urine collects underneath the elderly dragonkin. He looks at you with genuine terror, and seems to be having trouble breathing," said Steph. Behind her wall, she rolled two dice. "His hands are trembling uncontrollably as he hands the keys over to you. He nearly drops the ring several times as he does so. Once the keys are no longer in his possession, he keels over and dies of absolutely terror, his face twisted for all eternity."
"Awesome."
"Hell yeah!" said Mikey.
"Go team!" said Chloe, then, to Mikey. "Okay, off you go and release the prisoners."
"On it, Barb."
"As you free the, the prisoners run away from you in fear, having heard exactly what you said to the dragonkin. Where will you go next?"
"Training ground?" said Mikey, and Chloe nodded.
"Training ground," she said.
"You turn your back on the prison camp," said Steph. "It's empty now, the body of the dragonkin slumped against the cage. All other cages are now open and empty, their occupants having high-tailed it out of there. You return to the crossroads and look over towards the training ground."
"Careful, Barb," said Mikey. "We can't just go rushing in. If it's a training ground, there's likely to be enemies there."
"Good. More to kill."
"Yeah, but these enemies don't adhere to the Hollywood rule of attacking one-by-one."
"How d'you know?" asked Chloe, and Mikey smiled.
"Because Steph's GM," he said, "and Steph's not stupid."
"Oh, gee, thanks!" said Steph, sarcastically, but good-naturedly.
"Okay, here's what'll go down," said Chloe. "I'll walk in alone, you hang back. That way you can do all your wizardry shit without being distracted." She paused. "Just watch the collateral damage, okay?"
"Sounds like a plan," said Mikey.
"I walk in," said Chloe. "No, I swagger in. On my own. With my axe on my shoulder."
"Upon arriving at the Training Ground, you are immediately spotted by a heavyset orc, who seems to be the foreman, or the equivalent. Without hesitating, he shouts and points at you. There are a dozen raiders on the training field, all of whom raise their weapons and charge, yelling a fearsome battle cry."
"Yeah. A dozen raiders?" said Chloe. "Um, Elamon, probably could do with a little help here?"
"I got this," said Mikey. "I cast Ergel's Acid Blast."
"Acid Blast?" said Steph. "Overkill much?"
"Bam!" said Mikey, rolling his die and clapping his hands together.
"Okay," said Steph, sighing. "You conjure up a wave of boiling acid that washes over the charging orcs. Every raider suddenly starts screaming and writhing in pain as the acid makes contact with their skin and vestments. A sweet and sour smell rises from the field as the flesh melts off their bones like warm candle wax dripping down. The heavyset orc sergeant looks around at the devastation, then looks back at you."
"Holy shit, dude!" said Chloe. "Way to go!"
"You see why I haven't really needed a partner so far," said Mikey, smiling.
"I see that," said Chloe. "But what about Sergeant Shithead?"
"All yours," said Mikey, still smiling.
"Cool," said Chloe.
"The orc sergeant raises his massive warhammer and runs at you."
"Easy. I duck under the hammer and knee him right in his orc-balls," said Chloe, rolling the die. "Hell yeah! Twelve."
"Success, but only just. The drops his hammer, clutching his groin. He will never father orc-babies again."
"Ouch," said Mikey.
"Perfect," said Chloe. "While he's distracted, I use Fatal Cleave."
"Roll?"
"Nineteen," said Chloe, grinning. "That's good, right?"
"You swing your greataxe up and over your head," said Steph. "The orc sergeant is still distracted by the pain, and he doesn't notice you swing it back down with both hands. The first he knows anything about the strike is when the axe hits the floor with a muffled thump. He looks up, unaware that he is now dead, blinks twice, and then splits open like a hotdog bun, each half sliding down onto the floor."
"Nice," said Mikey.
"Fuck yeah! I'm awesome at this game!" said Chloe.
"It is going well," said Steph, smiling at her. "And I'm glad you're enjoying yourself. Where to next?"
"Wait up, what about the masses of loot?" said Chloe. "Can we search around?"
"In the giant roiling pool of boiling acid?" asked Steph. "Yeah, the loot is pretty much melted. There's nothing left."
"Dude!" said Chloe, and Mikey looked abashed.
"'Sorry, Barb,'" he said.
"Meh, we all make mistakes," said Chloe.
"Elamon nods," said Mikey. "'Barb is most wise and forgiving.'"
"Okay, let's go twat Durgy Ron," said Chloe. "It's tenting time!" Steph laughed out loud.
"It's Duurgaron," she said, still laughing. "Durgy Ron?"
"So sue me," said Chloe, smiling.
Steph nodded, placing a large Duurgaron figurine on the board. "You enter the tent to find Duurgaron, warlord of the Raiders of the Black Well, sitting comfortably at his throne. He's a huge red-eyed minotaur, swathed in a fine black cloak, gripping a two-handed sword that's easily six feet long. His laughter bellows. 'Bwhahahaha!'"
"Um, shouldn't that be 'Gyahahahaha'?" asked Chloe, but Mikey looked at her, completely confused.
"Um, what?" he said.
"Don't worry," said Steph. "Chloe's just trying to be cute. You've not played Final Fantasy Seven, have you?"
"Uh, no," said Mikey. "Bit too retro for me."
Chloe shook her head. "Sigh," she said, shrugging her shoulders. "Uncultured heathen. Anyway, back to Durgy Ron." She paused. "It was worth a try. Max and I played it through a couple of years back. Cool game."
"Yeah, but it's not this game," said Steph. "So, Duurgaron laughs, and totally doesn't sound like Heidegger from Shinra…"
"… and is the worse for it…" mumbled Chloe.
"… 'Your lands and people are already mine', he bellows, his voice almost blasting you off your feet, but you hold fast. 'Your deeds here mean nothing! Your kingdom was weak! You are weak!"
"Twat him," said Chloe. "He's a dick."
"I got this," said Mikey, rolling up his sleeves. "I cast Xael's Cataclysmic Cone of Fire! Ha!"
"Your flames shoot out at Duurgaron, but seem to part and pass around him, doing no damage. He laughs again, holding up his right arm to show off his Bracer of Fire Immunity."
"Fire Immunity? Shit," said Mikey, "all my spells are fire-based."
"What about Acid Blast?" said Chloe.
"That would have worked," said Steph, "but, you know, you already used that unnecessarily to show off for Chloe."
"Ah, yeah. Right," said Mikey, looking at his character sheet. "Barb, I don't got this. He's, um, all yours."
"Easy," said Chloe, balling up her fists. "I want to punch that man-cow in the dick."
"Like, right in the dick?" asked Steph, and Chloe nodded.
"Right. In. The. Dick," she said.
"Chloe, you punch a lot of dicks," said Mikey, sitting back down.
"And?"
"Just wondered," he said, quickly. "Note to self. Don't get on Chloe's bad side. Or at least, not until you pass the cricket shop."
"You miss," said Steph. "Duurgaron bursts out laughing as you stumble past him. He gores you in the side. Eight damage."
"Shit. Um, wait a sec," she said, looking at the character sheet. "Holy shit, Annihilation Strike. That sounds boss as fuck."
"Roll, Chloe," said Steph. Chloe rolled the die and her face fell.
"One?" said Mikey.
"That's bad, right?"
"Not for me," said Steph, smiling. "As you take your step, you trip on a rock, collapsing on the ground in a jangly crangle of metal. Your greataxe swings wildly to the side."
"Which side?" said Mikey, fearfully.
"Your side," said Steph. "Reflex save roll, Mikey." He rolled the die.
"Shit. Three."
Steph grinned. "Your axe strikes Elamon's leg. Well, legs. Plural. Severing both feet at the ankles."
"My feet!"
Chloe shrugged. "It's just a flesh wound," she said, grinning. "You've had worse. You've probably got a spell to reform them, right?"
"My feet… you cut off my feet!" said Mikey.
"Mikey, I am so sorry," said Chloe, trying not to laugh. "Um, now what?"
"Duurgaron moves towards the crippled Elamon."
"Shit! My feet! Can I crawl away?"
"No time." She grinned again. "I told you this was my best boss," she said. "Duurgaron approaches, stomping his bloody hooves. Stomp, stomp, stomp!"
"Barb, help!" said Mikey. "Do something!"
"I, um…"
"… stomp, stomp…"
"I…"
"… stomp, stomp, stomp. Duurgaron is practically at the crippled Elamon now."
"Shit, I dunno, I…"
"… if you're going to do anything, now is the time," said Mikey.
"I know!" said Chloe, punching the air. "I dance to distract him!"
"You what?"
"I dance," repeated Chloe. "I taught King Kirk his dance moves, right? So I use them here and now. I dance."
"I'm doomed!" said Mikey. "We're all doomed!"
"Not at all," said Chloe, rolling the die. "I'm awesome!"
"I'm still doomed," said Mikey.
"Ha! Sixteen!" said Chloe, pointing at the twenty-sided die.
"What?" said Steph.
"What?" repeated Mikey.
Steph shook her head in wonder. "Your crappy, arrhythmic dancing is weirdly mesmerising to Duurgaron. He pauses, with his sword in midair for ten seconds or more, unable to take his eyes off the dancing elf barbarian."
"I crawl away!" said Mikey.
"The dancing has bought you enough time to crawl away," agreed Steph. "Nice moves, Chloe."
"Yeah, good one," said Mikey, giggling.
"Duurgaron's attention is on you now," said Steph. "He turns to you."
"Bring it."
"He charges, thrusting with his greatsword."
"I sidestep."
"Roll."
"Shit. Three."
"Oh no," said Mikey.
"Your attempt to dodge his thrust fails spectacularly! Duurgaron laughs as he impales you on his blade, lifting you high into the air."
"Seriously?" said Chloe, looking over to Mikey.
"Sorry, Barb," said Mikey. "I can't do anything with that stupid bracer on his arm!"
Chloe shrugged. "Hey, I just chopped off your feet. I guess we're even," she said.
"You feel your strength raining away as Duurgaron lifts you higher into the air. The pain is immense and you can feel your strength draining away. What do you do?"
"Um, I bring my axe down on his arm. The one with the bracer thingy."
"Oh, brilliant, Chloe," said Mikey.
"You'll have to roll high to hit it," said Steph. "You're almost dead." Chloe nodded and picked up the die, blowing onto it in classic casino fashion. With a flamboyant swirl she rolled the die. It rolled over and over, finally settling down on a…
"Twenty!" shouted Mikey. "Yes!"
"Awesome!" chorused Chloe.
Steph grimaced. "You bring your axe down in a wicked chop, hitting Duurgaron's shoulder and severing his arm completely. His arm, and the accompanying bracer fall the ground, useless."
"Gignomi's Firestrike of Flame!"
"Fuck yeah!" said Chloe.
"Lying on the ground," said Steph, "you conjure a huge flaming spear, which flies true from your hands to impale Duuragon in the chest, slowly incinerating him from the inside. He looks down in disbelief and stupidly tries to pull the spear out, but it's made of pure flame and he only succeeds in burning his remaining hand. He howls in fury and fear as the flames consume him. Slowly, he drops to his knees, sways once, then collapses to the ground, the fire still slowly burning his corpse to a cinder."
"Damn, Elamon," said Chloe. "Like a boss!"
"Duurgaron is defeated," said Steph.
"Yeah, we kinda got that," said Chloe. "Any chance of a healing?"
"I'm sorry, Chloe," said Steph, "but your wounds are too great. I'm afraid that Barb is an ex-barbarian, set to dance no more."
"Nice reference," said Chloe. "Although I actually feel a little sad right now."
"Better to have died a hero than live as a coward."
"Better to have loved and lost than to shove a screwdriver up your nose," said Chloe. She grinned. "That was actually fun, thanks guys."
"Hey Chloe," said Mikey. "Check out what I drew." He held up a page of his notebook. Upon was a pencil drawing of a wizard accompanied by an elf barbarian.
"Nice, Mikey," said Chloe, nodding. "Some neat drawing skills there."
"Glad you enjoyed the game, Chloe," said Steph. "Thanks for playing."
"Yeah, I'll adventure with you any time," said Mikey.
"We'll see," said Chloe, smiling. "Well, thanks for the game, nerds. And the DVD, Steph." She stood up. "Catch you's later."
