Three days.
So far I had spent three days in Stefan's room, doing nothing but sulking and staring blankly at the ceiling. It was the 11th day with Damon and I knew that the whole stupid, worthless bet was forgotten. I only wish that time would go faster so that I could go on with my life. One without Damon. I couldn't convince myself that that was what I actually wanted. My heart said no but my brain said yes. I was literally fighting myself.
Damon had tried talking to me one time. I slammed the door in his face, and after that he just stopped trying.
I wasn't mad at Damon, even if that was what he thought. I was mad at myself for letting things get to far. I was more like Katherine than ever before. I don't care what other people said. I waslike the person that I had tried so hard not to be.
I didn't want him to love me. I wished he never was born, so that I could stop feeling so sorry for myself. I had let things go to far, pretending that I had feelings for him when I was clearly with Stefan.
I wasn't pretending. I felt the sparks when he touched me. I felt my face heat up when he looked at me. I felt my heart beat harder when I ever thought about him.
Was that why my heart was about to fly out of my chest?
I wasn't going to admit that I…loved him, because that was what Katherine would do. And right know I was trying to steer clear of those actions.
I wondered what Damon was doing sometimes. Did he go back to killing people? Was he sulking around? Was he happy that I had left him to some privacy?
All I knew was that I had broken two hearts that night. I want to push pause on everything, hit erase and go back in time. If I was smart I wouldn't have read his most personal feelings. He hadn't done it to me, so why was I selfish enough to do it to him? Because I was selfish.
So where does that leave me know? I thought. Maybe I should do something about this mess.
I didn't have the guts too. I was too stuck up on vain pride to talk to Damon about feelings.
What was I supposed to say? "I love you, but hey, I'm with you're brother"? That didn't sound right, and I wasn't going to say something that would just make everything worse.
I knew why he stopped trying to get through to me. He thought that I didn't care for him like he cared for me. He probably thought that I was like Katherine too.
But he was wrong. I loved him, I loved him, I loved him, I…
I said the words until I started to cry again, knowing that this was never going to work. It wasn't meant to be this way. I also knew that something had to be done, and yet I was just sitting here like a little baby not doing anything to get the world to start spinning again.
What would my mother say?
The words jolted me up from the bed, tears still streaming down my face. My mother would not be happy. She would tell me to stop beating 'round the damn bush and go fix things before it only got worse. I would only laugh and wave my hand, telling her that she was more melodramatic than ever. But deep down I knew she was right, because all mothers were right. That's the reason they became mothers, to tell people things and have them think otherwise.
Just like Damon was telling me he didn't love anyone, how he hated them all. I know now that that is 100% not true.
Keeping my mothers words close in my mind so I couldn't have the chance to turn around and plant my butt on the bed again, I wiped the tears from my eyes and slid off the bed.
Of course I had gotten out of the bedroom, to get food and use the bathroom, but that was only when he was asleep or out hunting or just plain not around. Considering it was only 6:34 pm I had a feeling that he was as wide awake as ever.
My hand was on the door knob and I hoped to god that Damon wasn't in the house. I needed mental time to prepare myself for this.
The handle made an irritating squeaky sound that sounded loud and harsh in the quiet room. There was no chance of turning back know.
I kept on telling myself that it was just Damon and that he was not going to bite me. Well, that wasn't really the correct usage of words but it all had the same meaning.
I tried and failed to keep soundless as I crept down the stairs, but it seemed as if I were bound to make a loud entrance.
Once I was in the living room I was prepared to make another kind of noise to let him know that I was in the room. It wasn't necessary.
What I saw shocked me. Damon was there all right, but not awake. Asleep. I had never seen him like that before. Peaceful, content. And most importantly- not smirking.
I walked closer to the couch that he was sprawled on and I couldn't help it. I smiled, and that smile quickly turned into a laugh. He must looked so vulnerable, and I did not expect that from any kind of vampire.
His chest fell up and down in the same kind of rhythm that mine did and in one hand he clutched a book. I was once again shocked. I didn't know that he read, or at least glanced at any words he didn't really need to. The other thing that jetted through my mind at the same time was- "God, he's so beautiful." So beautiful that it was completely unfair. No one had a right to be that good looking. I wondered if all vampires were good looking. Stefan, Damon, Anna, Kath-…
I stopped short. I was not gonna mention her. I was to bust staring at Damon.
I chewed my lip, thinking that if there were no Stefan then I would be able to stare at Damon without thinking I was a horrible backstabber and two-faced idiot. I could even sleep with him, bet or no bet.
I immediately blushed at the thought of Damon and I doing stuff other then talking to each other…
Snap out of it, Elena. Your not supposed to be thinking of sleeping with you're boyfriends brother. I sighed, but didn't listen to my conscience.
Instead I thought what it would be like to just give into the bet and give Damon the benefit of doubt just so I didn't have to beat myself over the suspense the bet had put off.
Would I regret it? Would I love it? Would I break it off with Stefan? Would I see Damon in a whole other light? Would I be more like Katherine each passing second I was with him.? I didn't know that answer to any of these questions, but they kept coming anyways.
I just stared at Damon some more, wondering what the hell I was going to do about him and my situation.
Just like Caroline said- "Boy likes girl, girl likes boy. Sex."
But it wasn't that easy. What if he was you're vampire boyfriends vampire brother? That had to count for something. Right? I sighed again, because the truth was that it didn't sound very convincing whether he was a vampire or not.
Damon stirred a little on the couch, shifting his position, but it still made me hold my breath. I was definitely still not ready to talk to him face to face. I could always right him a letter and then run away… that sounded ridiculous.
I started to back away so that he could sleep, but as soon as I was at the stairs my mothers words passed through my brain once again. I could either pass a great opportunity to make things somewhat right or I could go cower in my room like I had for the past three nights. I was at the stairs again thinking that I'd rather cower but I stopped short and took in a big lungful of air. I was going to do this.
Each step I took closer to Damon was heavy, as if the air was pushing me back.
I looked at Damon just as I walked over to the front of the couch and sat down on the very edge so that I was barely touching his thighs. I gulped, hard. Even this much contact with him was too much. How did I expect to sleep with him if this was going to happen?Whoa, when did I ever say I was going to sleep with him? Jeez.
"Damon," I said, "Come on. We need to talk." He still didn't budge so I pushed harder on his chest.
He squirmed a little and his eyes fluttered open. I was faced with a fluttering heart and two bright blue eyes.
He looked at me for a while, as if he couldn't believe that I was actually talking to him. He wasn't making this any easier. Why didn't he say something? Anything? Maybe there wasn't much to say. Without a recognition of anything anymore, I grabbed his hand and said the only thing I could at this moment. "I'm sorry."
He just stared at me harder and then down at our hands. "Why?" His voice was dry and gravely. And at that moment I could see the red around his eyes. He wasn't in that freaky vampire state or anything, he looked as if he had been crying. Was that even possible for Damon?
"Have you been crying?" I asked and then regretting it as soon as it came out.
Damon just shrugged and laid his head back down on the couch, our hands still intertwined.
"I don't hate you if that's what you think." I pointed out softly.
He blinked and didn't say anything for a while. "But you don't love me." It wasn't a question.
What I wanted to scream was- "Yes I do, you idiot! How do you not see it?" But he couldn't read my mind. At least I didn't think he could, unless there was something he wasn't telling me.
"Your making it hard to apologize." I forced a smile.
Damon didn't smile back, but he did pull back his hand out of mine. That made me feel rejected. Here I was trying my best not to rip his head off and he was making me feel like a weirdo.
I sighed and lay down next to him on the couch, it was big enough. "Please don't hate me." It came out in a whisper. The scary part about this was, was that we were sitting remarkably close to each other and I still didn't feel close enough. I was having detachment issues.
"Your making me nervous. You haven't even tried to win the bet in a while.""That's because you've been hiding from me," And them more quietly he added- "What are you doing, Elena?"
I didn't know what he was talking about, but he continued anyway. "You don't love me, so why are you here?"
I want to tell him. I want to tell him so much that its like a physical ache in my chest. I just don't understand why I cant do it. Just say it, sleep with him and then get all of it over with. The only problem was that I didn't want it to be a one night stand, I wanted it to be more.
As I thought all of this over, Damon stared at my face intently, waiting for me to say something.
I wasn't thinking about being like Katherine anymore, and I wasn't thinking about Stefan. I was thinking about Damon, Damon and more Damon. That was when I leaned in.
A silent voice was going off in my head, saying- "I want you…I want you…"
His lips never met mine. I opened my eyes to find that he was completely gone.
That was when I knew that I was completely and utterly not forgiven.
What else was new?
