Okay so this was the hardest chapter to write, mainly because I couldn't stop crying. My notes are smeared to hell. This is not a happy chapter. And I would say I am sorry for it, but it's got to be done so enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own broken Dean. And I am glad. I have NO idea how I would fix him. And I don't own new and improved Cas. If I did I would probably stick a boot in his angelic ass!
Dean was dying. He knew it, and he was okay with it. Hell, he was welcoming it with open arms at this point.
What the fuck was there to live for?
Sam was gone, probably eviscerated by Lucifer the dick.
Adam was gone, probably obliterated by Michael the prick.
Bobby was dean after pulling out the Colt, and trying to cap the devil's ass. Then in a rage Satan conveniently broke his neck.
And Cas. Dean's heart plummeted yet again. His angel was nothing more than a smear on the grass. He went out fighting, which is how he would have wanted it. Appearing out of nowhere, calling his older brother an "Ass-butt" and lobbing inflamed holy oil at him may have not been the best course of action, but it sure as hell had pizazz.
Until Lucifer turned to him and growled "Castiel, did you just Molotov my brother with holy fire?"
And with a snap of that hand he knew as well as his own, Castiel angel of the Lord was no more.
There was no one now. Just him, and Lucifer poised over him ready to deliver the final blow that would send Dean into oblivion.
He hoped, okay and yes maybe even prayed that sacrificing his little brother for the greater good would get him some kind of bonus points with God wherever the hell he might be. That maybe Dean could go to heaven. Maybe he and Cas could be together. Not even in the romantic capacity. Even just as friends. That would be fine, as long as they could be together.
Dean was just honestly ready for it to be over, so he closed his eyes and waited for the end.
And it never came.
Somehow Sammy got a hold of Satan and pushed him back.
Then he threw the horseman's rings into the ground quickly followed by himself and Michael.
The last thing Sam said to him was "It gonna be okay Dean."
And Dean figured he was going to bleed to death internally and then it would be. He could finally rest.
His left set of ribs was punctured into his lung, from where Lucifer had tossed him onto the windshield of the Impala. He was beginning to slip in and out of consciousness, and he was pretty sure he was something in his head was ruptured.
He still managed to crawl to where the pit had been. Somehow he was on his knees and he had by some miracle picked up the rings, and waited for the rest of his life to drain out of him.
That never happened either.
Instead there stood Cas, in all of his unexploded glory. He was whole and alive, and although Dean couldn't smile, his heart was a little lighter.
Through all his agony and pain Dean managed to form words.
"Cas….You're alive?" And he thought bitterly it didn't matter. He had one foot in the grave at this point, and what a cruel joke to bring his angel back only for him to go and die.
"I'm better that that." He answered. And Dean knew he was, even before he completely healed him. He could see it in Cas' eyes. He was changed.
Cas…Are you God?" And Dean hopes he is. That maybe he can bring Sam back, even though that would mean for the last month he had been banging the creator of all, which has to come with perks right?
That's a nice compliment, but no. Although I do believe he brought me back. New and improved."
And just like that Dean's hope is dashed to the ground into a thousand little pieces at his feet. There is no way to bring Sam back.
He sees Cas nod at a completely restored Bobby before walking back to Dean and placing two fingers against his forehead.
When Dean is absolutely certain he is not going to upchuck on his angel of the Lord, he looks to see they are in the hotel room in the Poconos. The first words out of Deans mouth are "Cas? Can you bring Sammy back?"
Castiel wishes he could. Wishes he could put the light back in the hunter's eyes and give him his little brother. He wishes he didn't have to pile any more pain on him. But as Dean had taught him, you could wish in one hand….
"Dean." Castiel says putting a hand on his shoulder. Dean turns into it and buries his head in his collar.
"Cas, Cas I just, I have never hurt this much ever."
And Dean isn't just letting some rouge tear escape as usual. Dean is sobbing, and the sobs that wrack his body seem almost painful.
He falls to his knees and clutches Castiel's waist.
Castiel's stern demeanor breaks. Dean needs to be comforted. In his mind it is that simple.
"Dean, Dean, Dean." He murmurs softly running his hands lovingly through his hair.
"It's beyond my power to retrieve Sam from the cage that was forged, but please know if I could I would give anything for it to be so."
The affirmation makes Dean shake even harder with tears.
"I didn't know it would be like this Cas. God, if I knew, I would have strapped his ass to a chair, and never let him follow through.
Castiel knew Dean was lying. He knew that given the same chance he would do the exact same thing every time, because it saved the world. Dean was too much the righteous man he raised from the bowels of hell to do anything else. No matter how much he ached in the end.
"It's okay Dean." The angel says stroking his face gently. Pulling Dean up to face him, Castiel lies convincingly for the first time in his existence.
"It WILL get better Dean. I'm here. I'm here for you."
The angel pulls the hunter to his feet and embraces him in a fierce hug, letting Dean cry.
And it dawns on Dean, that at least he has Cas. His angel is still here with him, and maybe, just maybe that will be enough.
He pulls back and shakily kisses Cas slowly pouring all his grief into the kiss.
Castiel thinks he might break from the sadness he feels behind the hunter's lips. He allows him this kiss, because he knows it will help, but when Dean tries to deepen the kiss, the angel pulls back.
"Dean, you are stricken with grief, and haven't slept in days. I think you need to lie down."
Dean smiles at his angel. It's broken, and light doesn't quite reach his eyes, but he looks like the hunter Castiel knows and loves when he says with a smirk.
"I think I know what I need better than you feathers." He grabs Cas by the belt loops in his dress slacks.
"And right now Cas I need you to help me forget; Even if it's just for a few minutes, please."
Castiel knows this will not end well. Dean is still in shock, and he begins to voice this, but is cut off by a broken plea.
"Please Cas?" The hunter begs looking into the angels deep blue depths.
And Castiel cannot say no.
He kisses Dean his hands shaking as he breathes a sigh into Deans mouth. Dean kisses Cas' back a broken sound escaping his throat.
Castiel wants to comfort him, tell him it's going to be okay, but the words won't come. So he pours all of his feelings into his kiss, the love, the sorrow, the shame, all of it into that one kiss.
Clothes are discarded quickly with no fanfare. They just want to be closer to each other as soon as possible. They lay and kiss and Castiel kisses tears from Deans cheeks more than once.
When Dean slips into Cas and looks in his eyes, he sees something different, but he doesn't register in his grief what it could mean. As Dean begins to slide in and out of his angel at a steady pace, Castiel leans into Deans ear to whisper.
"I will always love you Dean Winchester. Through all of this please remember that." Dean doesn't register the pain and anguish in the angels voice.
"I love you to Cas." Dean says freely amazed at how easily it comes to his lips now. "You don't know what it means to me that you're alive."
Dean kisses his eyelids that have fluttered shut. He misses the lone tear that slides down Castiel's cheek. Maybe he thinks it's one of his own.
"And that you're here Cas." He says brushing kisses on his cheeks. "Maybe with you here, I can get through this."
"Dean." Castiel says brokenly as Dean releases deep into him. Dean marks it for a cry of pleasure.
Dean reaches in between them, and grips his angel tight and begins to pump.
"Dean." Castiel says "That is not necessary." Dean doesn't hear the guilt behind the statement.
"Like hell it's not." Dean growls. "After everything you've done for me Cas, this is just a small token of my gratitude."
The angel continues to protest.
"Because I owe you so much more than this Cas." The hunter pumps harder and his angel moans.
Dean leans down eyes still wet with his own tears, his lips a breath away from Castiel's and admits.
"I owe you everything."
That does it for Castiel. He quietly sobs into Dean's mouth as he slips over the edge.
Dean thinks he is overwhelmed with emotion from his confession.
As they lay quietly in the aftermath of their lovemaking, Dean lays his head on his angel's chest. It's something he has never done, in fact the post coital cuddling, as Cas used to refer to it until Dean had said he could just call it cuddling (But not in public) was usually the other way around. But as Dean lay there listening to the steady heartbeat of his angel, he thought he could probably get used to this.
"I could go for a shower right now, how about you Cas?" Dean asked stretching. He still hurt more than he could say, but it wasn't as sharp now, he had Cas to thank for that.
Dean intended to thank him for that, and everything else pretty much for the rest of his life.
Castiel got out of the bed and with a thought he was back in his "Holy tax accountant" ensemble.
"I do not require a shower anymore Dean." He stated flatly. He needed a minute to himself to collect his thoughts. This entire scenario was going completely the opposite of what he intended."
"Okay then, more room for me." He grinned slightly as he shut the door.
Dean climbed in the shower and let the water pound over his back and shoulders, he smiled. It was a sad bittersweet smile, and a pang of pain came with it that almost knocked him to his knees, but also with it came the tiniest sliver of hope.
A hope, because now he wasn't alone. A hope that with Cas by his side he could pull himself up from this dark place.
He and Cas had been through so damn much together. It was about time they got their happy ending. It was monumental, that they were both standing here, alive.
He never prayed. Well, okay he never prayed to God. He had prayed to Cas more times than he can count, but this was different.
Dean Winchester stood letting the water rain down on him and thanked God for giving Cas back.
"I dunno if you approve or not. Dean said looking to the ceiling. "but thank you for this. It makes the rest of it not so hard."
Castiel sat on the edge of the motel bed in stunned silence. He heard every prayer Dean had ever uttered. The sincere ones when he was at his wits end, the ones he used to contact him. And even the ones bordering on blasphemy when he was too mad to care.
This however was something completely different. Dean was thankful. Dean was thanking God that he gave Castiel back to him. He thought that his angel was his prize for enduring all he had.
It should be so. Castiel thought. Of all of my Father's creations this man deserves peace at last. More than anyone. And I am the one to rip it away. Tears slid unchecked down the angel's face.
"If this is what it means to have free will, and to make my own choices, I'd rather be an emotionless dick." Castiel says to the heavens. He was given no reply.
Dean opened the bathroom door, steam spilling out into the room from behind him. He walked out naked, toweling his hair dry.
He rummaged in his duffle bag, pulling out an olive green shirt and his favorite jeans. He zipped them up and threw the shirt over his head and began searching for socks. While tossing things aside he began to ramble to Cas.
"So Sammy told me to go to Lisa's, but to hell with that noise." He stated, triumphantly pulling a sock out.
"Dean." Castiel said quietly. Too quietly apparently for Dean to hear.
"I say we pick a direction and just drive for a while, maybe take a vacation."\
"Dean." Castiel says louder now.
"Or not." Dean says, finding the socks mate finally.
"I'm not picky. You wanna start hunting right away? I'm down with that too."
"Dean." Castiel said more sternly. Still the hunter continued as if he heard nothing.
"If you don't like that idea we could always go back to Bobby's we-"
"Dean I am not going with you." Castiel blurted frustrated
"Oh. You need to shoot on back to heaven first?" Dean asked a little confused.
Castiel sighed. "I will not be "shooting" anywhere Dean."
Castiel stood from where he was seated and waked to Dean.
"I was given a choice, to stay dead and rest in the fields of my Father, or to be resurrected and reestablish heaven.
Castiel saw and felt the walls shut down on Dean's soul. With one sentence he had effectively erased everything they had. He knew it. He knew it was better this way.
Dean stood up glaring at the angel.
"You're telling me you brought me back here for one last fuck, and now you're gonna flit off into the sunset?"
Castiel steeled himself, knowing it will be better if he can just get Dean to hate him. It will be easier for Dean that way.
So he simply turns his back and walks away. He shrugs indifferently. "You seemed to need it, and it's not like I'd turn down your body."
Dean stomps across the room turning him like he had when he was convincing him heaven was wrong so long ago. He gets right in Castiel's face.
"I don't believe it!" Dean screams "They are MAKING you do this Cas."
Castiel's gaze was cold, calculating.
"My name is Castiel. And please Dean, personal space." He let all the emotion drain out of his voice.
Dean would have laughed at the role reversal if he wasn't so taken back by the change he saw. It was like meeting him for the first time all over again. When he was all angel, so sure and absolute.
"My apologies." Dean sneered, the phrase dripping with sarcasm. "So this is it then?" Dean growled "You DECIDED to be this robotic douche bag again?"
The anger rolling off of Dean was so thick it could be cut with a knife. The dark side of Dean was laughing maniacally screaming "I told you so! I told you he would leave!"
"It did not seem like there was anything to decide. Castiel said flatly.
Something broke in Dean. Castiel watches as the anger seeps out him and all that's left is a hopelessness that the angel can't bear.
"Cas, please. I can't do this alone. I need you. You're all I have left. If you go, I don't think I'll make it through this."
Sadness flooded into the angel's eyes with a weary sigh he raised his hands in a helpless gesture.
"What would you have me do Dean?"
"Stay with me. I know I don't compare to heaven Cas, hell I am the farthest thing from it. But you love me. I know it. So stay with me. Please." The last word was so desperate, Castiel almost acquiesced. But things were fast going downhill in heaven, and that was his family. If he could do something to right it he should. Dean had taught him that.
"I am afraid it's too late for that Dean." Castiel said truthfully.
"Dammit Cas you told me you would never leave me. Or was all that conditional? You never expected them to take you back did you? So what I was just your second choice?"
Castiel looked at Dean anger brimming in his eyes.
"Try to understand Dean; I have a chance to save MY family. You would do the same."
"Oh yeah, cuz they've been so great in the past." Dean growled. They had abandoned him and tried to kill him. Dean hated every one of them for it.
"Do not say things like that Dean." Castiel commanded.
"Why the hell not Castiel?" He said the angel's name as sarcastically as he could manage. "It's not like it's not true."
Castiel paled visibly. It was the first time in a year he could remember Dean calling him by his full name when they weren't in the throes of passion. IT made him irate.
"And your family is SO much better?" the angel yelled back.
"Your father was a drunken, shell of a man who drug you and your younger brother into danger at every turn, for nothing more than petty rage.
Your brother was such a monster doing things of such evil he would give you a run for your money with your time in hell. In the end before YOU saved him he would have killed you without a thought. Him diving into that hole cannot begin to atone for his sins, and YOU speak of MY family with such disdain."
Dean looked like Castiel had physically slapped him, and staggered back with the weight of his words. There was murder in his eyes when he met the angel's again.
"You stupid heartless son of a bitch." Dean spat shoving Castiel back into the wall.
"Go ahead Dean." Castiel sneered as Dean raised his hand to drive it into the angel's jaw. "I'll even pretend it hurts."
Dean's hand dropped to his side, and instead of hitting him he kissed him, putting all of his passion, and rage behind it.
At first Castiel stood his ground stone still not moving as Dean assaulted his mouth. Dean was trying to prove that he could still feel this, could still want this.
He reached in between them and pressed his hand against Castiel.
"You can feel that can't you Cas? Huh? Tell me you can't FEEL that." Dean says grinding his hand into him.
Castiel still doesn't move, but his resolve is crumbling. "Dean, please stop." He says, but Dean hears his voice crack.
"No! Not until you admit it you stubborn ass!" Dean pants biting into his neck.
Castiel's restraint snaps and he flips their positions slamming Dean into the wall hard enough to rattle his teeth.
"I can feel it Dean." He growls and kisses the hunter violently. "But." He sighs "That changes nothing." He says pulling away.
"I thought I could make you hate me, it would be easier if I could." He says between pants trying to regain control of himself.
"I don't want you to hate me Dean." Castiel whispers.
Dean sighs pushing off the wall. "So all that stoic angel crap was an act? You still have all your emotions."
"I do yes." He admits. "I just thought if you hated me it would be an easier separation. You probably do already, but I would like to leave amicably." His eyes pierce the hunters.
"No see that's the problem Cas, when I opened myself to you because you SAID you would stay with me that was it. I can't hate you, not right now, but if you leave now I SWEAR to you this is over. Don't come back and try to tell me you were wrong. There won't be a second chance for us." Dean threatens softly.
"I understand." Is all the answer the angel gives. He is crushed, but he feels it's his duty to fix what is broken. That is what he assumes God brought him back to do. He wants to tell Dean this, but his resolve is already wavering.
"I gotta get outta here." Dean says grabbing his jacket and his keys. "You coming?" He asks the angel over his shoulder.
"I didn't think you would want me to." Castiel states sadly.
"Yeah, well you said amicably. I'm taking a stab at it." The hunter says smirking.
Castiel's heart flutters at that admission. He wants to tell Dean that he loves him, that he always will, but he knows that time is past. It will only hurt Dean more, so all he says is "If that's what you want."
The rain had let up, but drops still sparkled like stars in the moonlight. Dean and Castiel drove in silence, boths inner turmoil dominating their thoughts to the point of forgetting to speak.
Dean cannot believe this is happening. He has lost everything now. He is lost and scared and has no idea what he's going to do next. He's angry and hurt, but more angry and the man-no angel sitting next to him. He considers Castiel's leaving the ultimate betrayal. He says he doesn't hate Cas- no Castiel now, but he's pretty sure that he will eventually when the anger forming deep in his chest has time to fester. He really just wants to curl up in a ball and scream and cry until he can't anymore, but he needs to be strong. He's going to show this feathery son of a bitch he's not that affected by his leaving. So he's going to be God Dammed amicable, even if it kills him.
"What are you going to do now?" Dean asks although he already knows the answer.
"Return to heaven I suppose." Castiel knows Dean is giving him one last out. One last chance to stay, and now it's slipped by. When he looks at Dean, the hunter's eyes are hard.
"Heaven?" He says again making sure he is being understood perfectly, that this is the end of the line for him and Cas. His heart hardens with the angel's reply.
"With Michael in the cage, I'm sure its total anarchy up there." Castiel says making his decision final. His heart breaks a little more.
"So what you're gonna be the new sheriff in town?" Dean says snidely hiding behind his sarcasm.
"I like that. Yeah, I suppose I am." Castiel says joking back with a small smirk trying to ease the pain in his soul.
Dean has tried to be friendly, amicable as Castiel has asked, but when he smirks like nothing is wrong Dean's control slips.
"Wow. God gives you a brand-new shiny set of wings, and suddenly you're his bitch again."
Castiel is so frustrated he could scream himself hoarse with it.
"I don't know what God wants. I don't know if he'll even return. It just…Seems like the right thing to do."
And he knows it's the truth. Family is family after all. Dean had taught him that. His brothers may be dicks, but they are still his brothers.
Anger flashes in Dean's eyes. When does he get to rest? When does he get what he wants? You think that after everything he has been through God could grant him this small thing, but no dice. His life sucks as usual.
"Well if you do see him, you tell him I'm coming for him next."
Dean might as well have stabbed him in the chest for the sheer shock that statement had caused.
"You're angry." He states softly. Dean grimaces as the angel's eyes bore into him.
"That's an understatement." He says tightly gripping the steering wheel.
"He helped." Dean rolled his eyes at the angel. "Maybe more than we realized." Castiel continues.
Dean gives up on amicable at that point.
"That's easy for you to say! He brought YOU back!" (Just so he can take you away again.) "But what about Sam?" (He's never coming back) "What about me huh?" (I get nothing, no one.) "Where's my grand prize?" (It was supposed to be you dammit Cas!) "All I got was my brother in a hole."
Castiel's patience is at its end. As if he hasn't lost anything throughout all of this. Yes, Dean's brother is in a hole, along with TWO of his. He knows EXACTLY how Dean feels.
"You got what you asked for Dean." Castiel states softly. "No paradise. No hell. Just more of the same."
I am so, so very sorry Dean. Castiel thinks looking at him one last time he asks.
"I mean it Dean; would you rather have peace of freedom?"
And with that he is gone.
"Wow. You really suck at goodbyes you know that?"
And he just continues to drive. And because Dean doesn't know how to survive without someone needing him, he goes to Lisa's like Sam told him. As he makes his way back to Lisa's tears stream down his face. He has lost so much. He mourns both his brothers. Sam because he is part of Dean, and Adam because he never got the chance to know him. He mourns for Ellen and Jo, who gave their life for the greater good not that it helped. Most of all though he mourned Cas the fallen angel, love of his life. Because the being that sat in the car with him a few moments ago wasn't Cas. It was Castiel, angel of the Lord. A good little soldier who knew how to follow orders. His Cas died when the devil destroyed him. So he mourned him, because from that moment on Cas was dead to him.
Holy Misha that was LONG! I am sorry if it was sad guys. If you want you can bitch me out in a review. I don't think I'd blame you…