Meadows came round to his flat that evening, making himself so instantly at home that Mickey remembered the way in which his Dad would make himself at home after work - but there's nothing else similar between them. Not Jack. This evening, instead of ignoring Meadows as he had done the previous times he'd been here, he turned to kiss the older man, one arm snaking around the DCI's hips. Then the older men stepped back.

'Mickey, look. I need to talk to you. I'm married.'

'You said yourself that you'd rather have me there than her, an' she upsets you. Don't worry 'bout it, not after the way she was last night and this morning...'

'Yeah, well, this morning we were sleeping on the sofa together. She did have a point, Mickey.'

'Which is?'

'I'm your DCI. I can't sleep with one of my DC's - that's not right.' Like you'd worry about that if he was a woman.

'I didn't see you worrying about 'right' this morning,' Mickey shouted and was ashamed of himself for losing control so quickly. The rejection - the second one in a few days from this man - hurt more than he could have believed any words could hurt.

'I wasn't.' How could I think with him right there?

'What's wrong, then? You said I was a good kisser - that hardly sounded like someone worrying over his marrige, did it? I thought you liked me.'

'No...I do. It doesn't matter... Look, whatever I feel, it doesn't matter, does it? I can't love you, in any way. I'm married and you're...you're...'

'Can't you? You saved my life - I'd've thought that was a pretty good indication that you loved me.'

'I never saved your life.'

'There were days when I wanted to die, an' I only didn't becasue of you, because you were there, holding me.'

'I'd have done that for anyone.'

'But you didn't. You did it for me. I thought - I always thought that you'd do anything for me - because I know I'd do anything for you.'

'Anything does not include sleeping with you. It doesn't bloody matter, Mickey; I can't.'

'Doesn't it matter? Isn't Mister DCI prepared to admit to having feelings for someone?'

'I can't, Mickey.' A frustrated growl now.

'So, you're prepared to be misrable for the rest of your life and stay with her, just because that's what you should be doing? Is that what you want?'

'Listen to me for a minute, Mickey.' Please, Mickey, shut up so I can think for a minute without you twisting my brains. 'You loved Kate.'

Mickey took that calmly, more so than Meadows had expected. 'Yeah, I did. I loved people before I met her, and, and I was never in a relationship with her, anyway - she never loved me like that. I love her - always will' - and his voice caught - 'but she's dead, buried, for a while now. I don't see why I shouldn't get with someone else.'

'Another woman - not your DCI.'

'Once - a while before I met Kate, I was with a bloke. Its' whoever you like that you get with.'

'In your case maybe. I like women - I'm married.'

'So you sadi. You liked me enough this morning.' He was remembering their kiss; Jack holding against him in a way that was so different to how they'd been before. 'I was drunk the other night, but I was sober enough to stop this morning if you'd said. You didn't.

'I know...I like you a lot, Mickey...but, if, if it was just me...maybe that'd be different...I got kids, remember?'

Mickey hated hearing that; it made him painfuly aware that Meadows had other priorities and other people, while he had nothing and no-one. 'Would it - would it be different if you weren't married?' It must be...that would be right for my luck, wouldn't it? Find someone who loves me and he's already married.

Meadows forced himself to look Mickey in the eyes, struck by how the blue had been shaded by pain and anger until it was nearly grey. I did that to him...I caused that... 'Maybe - maybe it would, Mick.'

The affectionate diminative almost made Mickey smile.'That isn't really an answer, is it - Jack?'

'I'll always look out for you. Promise. Beyond that...' Beyond that, I always thought I'd do anything for you, to heal you, and when it come to it and you asked, I'm too worried about a marriage I don't want, to say yes. It'd be so different.

'Beyond that...you don't love me.' His voice was brittle, the voice of someone trying not to cry from rejection.

'Sorry.' He moved to try and comfort Mickey; the younger man stared at him and moved away. 'What?'

'I always loved you. You were my fucking hero. So confident and strong - everything... You're not any different to the rest of them - just your reputation that matters, not me. You don't care...' The words were meaningles; he had to shout so that he wasn't thinking.

'I'm sorry. I can't - I really can't.'

'If you really can't, you would have said earlier. You wouldn't have kissed me like that.'

Meadows had to turn and walk away so that Mickey couldn't see his face. He went downstairs with Mickey's last yelled comment ringing in his ears.

'I'll get a transfer - you won't want me around. You don't care.'

Oh, God, Mickey, I do. You wouldn't believe how much I do.