A/N: Hi, everybody, I'm back! Sorry for the long pause but RL caught up with me, sort of. I was busy with my story stuff for the Mass Effect Big bang and visited the European GamesCom these years. :-)
But now, I'm back and I promise I won't let this story rest until it's finished^^ And my thanks to all for you for the lovely reviews! I still can't believe it, I actually have 12 followers on this story! :-O It's awesome! And Thank you!

But now, enjoy the new chapter^^

Why I am alive

10:

"Are you okay, Commander?" Kaidan asked and even behind his helmet, Shepard could see his worried eyes.

"Better now," he said and smiled behind his own.

It was good to know that Kaidan was at his side again and even better as he thought of that this sentinel had a very personal reason to keep him alive. It was good to know that he was being appreciated and even better that he's being loved.

Though Kaidan only said a few worlds, all his feelings was in there. Normally, no one would ask; they saw him and assume that he was okay. But not Kaidan. Kaidan was always worried about him. Always.

"What was that no window thing?" Kaidan asked and looked over Tali's shoulder. "Wow, that's some impressive codes, Tali."

Shepard was about to answer that no windows thing as he realized that Kaidan's attention had drifted to Tali's hacking abilities. He smiled at the nerd talk they had earlier and never in his dreams would he admit that the only word he understood was omni-tool. Again, he was glad that he'd brought Kaidan with him.

"Major," he said and looked over Tali's shoulder as well. "You understand any of this?"

"Sure," Kaidan nodded, eyes still fixed on the screen. "These are Geth codes, not Reapers codes. They are not that different that the ones we encountered on Eden Prime; only the cluster formation seems rather chaotic. I suppose it's in there to confuse and delay any hacking attempts. It seems they use a quiet smart algorithm to create fake order. The vital parts are well hidden within trash information so synthetic algorithms wouldn't…."

"You can stop now, Kaidan," Tali said and Shepard refocused his eyes. He hadn't noticed that his eyes had gone blurry and he stopped listen a while ago and was only gazing at Kaidan's brows. "Shepard doesn't understand a word you say."

"Sure, I do," Shepard said because he didn't like Tali's tone. If someone wanted to laugh at him he'd be fine with it, but please not in front of Kaidan.

Kaidan made a comment Shepard didn't understand and both he and Tali began to laugh. Then Kaidan touched Tali's arm and padded her on her back. Shepard felt a surge of jealousy inside him and cleared his throat louder than necessary to regain their attention.

"Let's go!" He commanded and walked toward the hatch with M-97 Viper against his shoulder. What was that between Kaidan and Tali?

The Dreadnought was just as he thought. Dark, silent and too much tech for his taste. Everywhere he stepped, he had the feeling a wire was about to tangle around his ankle and a Geth would pop up to blast out his brain. But fortunately, he was always faster than the Geth.

While they fought through the dark tunnels, Shepard cherished the recoil against his shoulder. The scope of his weapon became his world and every time he looked, Kaidan was flaring blue and froze one of the Geth for him to shoot. He'd almost forgotten how good it was to have Kaidan around.

Most soldiers complained about him stealing their kills, but Kaidan never said a word about Shepard shooting the Geth immobilized by Kaidan. Maybe he knew that Shepard liked the view of their exploding heads or maybe he knew that they were most effective this way. It wasn't like that Kaidan had less kills of his own anyway.

"Clear!" Kaidan's voice sounded in his ears. How much he'd missed this. One because, it meant he could finally come out of cover and advance furthermore, two because he loved to hear Kaidan shout.

But when he tried to stand up, he felt the old familiar pain in his thighs. He grunted and felt the muscles in his legs tremble as if they were too exhausted to work anymore.

Muscle soreness! He thought and tried to remember when he had that the last time. It must have been when he started to work with Cerberus, when his body was still new. He cursed and tried another attempt and failed.

"Commander!" Kaidan was at his side immediately and a grip on his upper arm pulled him to his feet. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Shepard said, slightly embarrassed. "Just some muscle soreness."

"Seriously?" Kaidan asked and Shepard could hear that Kaidan knew where it was from.

"What's that?" Tali asked and appeared next to him.

"Nothing important," Kaidan answered for him and padded Shepard on the back. "We should go before more Geth show up."

Shepard grinned at Kaidan's attempt to avoid an awkward situation where Shepard had to explain why he'd overused his muscled, but why shouldn't he? He was not ashamed of anything and besides he had a really gorgeous boyfriend to show off with.

Kaidan's arm brushed his as they headed towards the core. Even though armour plating separated them, Shepard could still feel Kaidan's touch. Of course it wasn't real, but that was enough to make him smile.

"I know what you're thinking!" Kaidan hissed with low voice while Tali was busy with another door. "But please, do me the favour, Commander; and leave my dignity intact."

"No idea what you're talking about, Major," Shepard grinned.

"You don't have to be that formal, Shepard." Tali said with that I-know-that-you-don't-know-that-I-know-tone which made Shepard want to tell her to focus on hacking. "You forgot that I was there when you bawled for Kaidan."

"I didn't bawl, Tali." Shepard said, grinning because he did, even very publicly. "That was more like a loud request."

"I'm sure Aria T'Loak still has the recording." Tali replied dryly.

"I should ask for a copy," Maybe Kaidan would like it.

"Or you could ask me," Tali's fingers danced over the console while she talked. "I'm pretty sure that Garrus has one, too. And Joker might have a collection of it."

"Sweet."

"Ehm," Kaidan sounded from beside him, face-palming his helmet. "I can give you two some privacy if you want."

"Just saying that you two don't have to be that formal. It's about time you got together."

"We're not!" Kaidan snapped. "How's the door anyway?"

Before Shepard could correct Kaidan's words, the door in front of them hissed open and the mission went on. Shepard didn't say anything because he didn't know what to say. And as for Kaidan, there was no way he was going to say anything private during a fire-fight. On that point, Shepard preferred Garrus.

But Garrus didn't glow so elegantly when he fought. With awe, Shepard watched Kaidan taking out Geth after Geth after Geth. This wasn't Eden Prime when Kaidan still wore light armour and got shot at. Now his barrier was so strong not even one bullet penetrated it.

He watched how Kaidan flared blue again and three Geth went smashing against the wall. Shepard didn't even register his own fingers moving but the bullets from his rifle picked them out of the air.

When he looked back, Kaidan was a mix of blue and orange. His omni-tool flared into life and with a brush of his fingers, the shield of a Geth overloaded. Without any delay Kaidan's biotics hit it in full scale, making white liquid colour the floor.

Yeah, the battle was beautiful.

Not until his rifle was empty did Shepard realize that the waves of Geth were overwhelming. Maybe Legion shouldn't have deactivated the ship's drive core so quickly but now was not the time to think about what should and what shouldn't be.

He had really more pressing matters, like finding some thermal clips. Coming out of cover with only his shotgun in hand, Shepard searched the perimeter. That was ten wasted seconds. Ten seconds where he couldn't watch Kaidan's back.

But ten seconds was enough.

When he dived into cover and looked through his scope again, a Geth-prime was advancing on Kaidan's position. Next to the huge synthetic, the major looked tiny. But tiny wasn't the world Shepard would have used to describe his skills.

Never before had he witnessed more powerful demonstration of Kaidan's biotics. The shield Kaidan created while he took out the Geth drone was strong enough to hold the Geth-Prime's shot. He dived out of cover and with a combat-roll which would let Shepard look old, and then the sentinel disappeared behind cover again.

Shepard fired round after round, but his bullets did little harm to the Prime's shield. He saw them bouncing off his plates and cursed the Quarians for creating those things.

With Kaidan behind cover and Tali somewhere else flaking the Gehts, the Prime's focus shifted and ended with Shepard.

"Oh, oh." Shepard muttered and jumped out of his current cover while a shot blasted the rail into pieces. He felt something hitting his side but didn't stop to take a look. Whatever it was, it destroyed his shield and Shepard could practically hear himself gasp. "Kaidan, Tali! Destroy its shield!"

He rolled into cover and for nearly half a minute, he stayed there. Not that his shield needed that long to recharge but because every time he glanced up to fire on the prime, he could see bullets flying at him. He hadn't been shot at that bad for a long time, but nor had they encountered an opponent with such a strong shield.

"Commander! More Geth incoming!" Kaidan's voice sounded in his ears. Indeed. Almost frontal, Shepard saw a group of that hated synthetics closing in on him. He felt their fire against his armour and his muscle soreness wasn't helping either. He was panting when he reached the next cover only to say "Oh, Fuck!" because his best friend, the huge Geth-prime was right in front of him.

He didn't feel the pain when the Geht's round hit him but he felt the impact. He saw the ceiling for a moment but when he almost expected another heavy something into his stomach, he only heard a battle-cry.

Kaidan's biotics filled his side-vision and that was the diversion he needed to take cover. He panted as he reloaded his shotgun, determinate to put a whole in that thing to make it look like Legion's brother.

He took a deep breath and poked around to see a dance of electric lights. Only moments later did he register that Kaidan's barrier had cracked just as much as his shield. He saw how Kaidan tumbled backwards while he tried to make a last arrangement on his omni-tool. But then, with a muffled sound, Kaidan went down.

A switch flipped in Shepard's brain. He didn't think and he couldn't think. The only thing he knew is that Kaidan went down saving him. It was all Mars again and Shepard's mind became dark.

He thirsted for blood and he was screaming. With a cry on his lips, Shepard became fury itself. He moved with indescribable speed and all around him died in white flame. He punched his fist into the plate of the Geth and reinforced with pure hatred, he ripped that abomination open. His fingers closed around cables and his mind pictured the pain he was inflicting.

The synthetic wires in his hands dangled motionless and the white liquid transformed into scarlet blood in his mind. His fingers closed around the part that supposed to be the Geth's heart and with delight, Shepard crushed it.

He always preferred organic enemies. They scream and they panic. They were unpredictable and but that made it incredible satisfying. But for now, the processing sound of this dying Geth would be enough. His boots found its head and he smashed until pieces of metal were all its remains.

And he did it to everything that was moving around him. The battlefield became his home and he became its master. His moves couldn't be tracked and his bullets couldn't be stopped. His cries became the thunder of his soul and his pain became the fuel to his fire.

With every breath he became closer to the devastating embodiment of destruction as he was born to be. With every heart-beat he was closer to his glory and with every second he was drifting away.

When the last enemy was slain, he felt tired and near death. He didn't know how many rounds he'd fired and didn't know how much he'd overused his biotics. He only knew that Kaidan needed his help.

"Kaidan!" he gasped as he came back to the sentinel's position. "Tali! Get Legion, we need to get out of here! Kaidan, talk to me! Kaidan!"

But Kaidan didn't talk. He was curled up in a ball, lying on the floor while his one arm clutched the other. When Shepard grabbed his right arm to pull him back to his feet, Kaidan screamed out of pain.

"Kaidan!" Shepard gasped and breathed hard to avoid panic. "Talk to me."

"Are you okay?" Were Kaidan's first words. He was always worried about Shepard. Even if he was injured and obviously suffering crippling pain. "Are you injured, Commander?"

"I'm fine!" Shepard grunted, annoyed with Kaidan's lack of self-care. "Get up! We need to get out of here!"

His hand closed around Kaidan's bicep again and the sentinel yelled, throwing his head back. He trembled with the pain and Shepard trembled because he could see Kaidan's contorted face. He wrapped his arm around Kaidan's waist and after two awkward attempts; Kaidan was finally on his feet.

Even with Shepard's poor knowledge of human anatomy, he could figure out that Kaidan's shoulder looked odd.

"Go! Hurry! I can take care of myself!" Kaidan hissed while sweat slowly appeared on his forehead. With one arm around the other and apparently some damage to his leg, Kaidan was too slow to escape in time and he knew that. "Shepard, go!"

"Shut up!" Shepard said and couldn't hide his frustration with Kaidan's slow pace. With another grunt he gave up his aid and simply put Kaidan on his shoulder again. Kaidan screamed but that was better than being blow apart along which this Geth Dreadnought. "I swear, I'm gonna kill that Admiral Gereel when we get out of here in one piece!"

"Shepard! This way!" Tali shouted and waited at the door but couldn't hold her feet still. "Hurry!"

"Yeah, Kaidan isn't exactly light!" Shepard snapped and paced for the door as fast as he could. "Where are we going?"

"To a Geth-fighter, Shepard Commander." Legion sounded to him though Shepard had no idea where the only Geth he liked was. "We suggest haste."

"What am I doing?!" Shepard hissed again and felt Kaidan's tremble. "Hold on, Kaidan. Hold on!"

"I'm not going to pass out!" Kaidan hissed back, temper short from his pain. "Put me down, I'll walk this off!"

"Don't argue with me!" Shepard snapped back. "I'm not throwing your life away for the Geth! No offense, Legion."

"It does not offend us, Shepard Commander." Legion answered.

The way to the fighter wasn't easy. With a 100 kilo man on his shoulder, Shepard couldn't run. Though he didn't know exactly how badly injured Kaidan was he still didn't dare to do anything that might cause more damage.

Cursing inside furiously, Shepard avoided the flying wreckage and tried hard to keep Kaidan on his shoulder. With one arm maybe broken, Kaidan couldn't hold on for himself which forced Shepard to hold him with one hand wrapped in his belt.

When another blast nearly caused him to fell from the narrow way and Shepard let out burst of curses which would make Jack blush.

Kaidan shifted on his shoulder and anger was audible in his voice. "Put me down, Shepard!"

"Shut up, you're injured!"

"It's my shoulder, John!"

"And your leg! Don't pretend; I saw it!" Shepard hissed and gave Kaidan's ass a rough slap. "And…."

But the tremble made him tumble and before he could regain his balance, the metal under his feet gave away. The feeling of falling was nothing strange but the scream from his throat was.

And then, he saw black.

It's kind of a cliff-hanger, but don't worry, the next chapter is already WIP. So I promise, you won't be waiting for long. :-D

Thanks for reading and don't forget to leave a review. ;-)

HeavenOnFire :-)