thanks a lot to oncer4life11, paupaupi, ellegirlie77, Alexa and Guest for the reviews! :)
Okay, guys. I'm repeating myself here, but publishing this is still vaguely terrifying for me. Why do I do that to myself, my anxiety can't handle it. Seriously, though, I hope you'll like this still emotional chapter, see you afterwards for a few more explanations ! :)
"Emma? Can you hear me, baby? It's time, you have to wake up..."
Killian's voice was sounding so soft and far away from her, but it didn't stop a sudden and absolute migraine from taking its place in her head as soon as he started to talk. She was scared to open her eyes, because she knew her pain would only get worse when her pupils would meet the slight morning light entering the room through the window. But she also knew she didn't have a choice. She could feel Killian stroking her back to help her get out of her sleep as gently as possible. She finally opened her eyelids, but regretted this choice immediately and let go of a groan of distress, pressing her hand against her eyes.
"I'm sorry to wake you up, sweetheart." Killian continued in a low voice, his hand going up to gently toy with her hair. "I thought maybe you'd like to get ready before I leave to get the kids."
She nodded, but didn't answer anything back. She wasn't feeling good enough to do so, anyways. She was grateful for this thought he'd had, though, because she really didn't want her kids to see her in a such a regrettable state. He continued to run his fingers through her hair, chasing a few strands away from her face, before asking :
"How are you feeling?"
"Bad." She mumbled in a very husky voice, still wrapped in her blankets, because she didn't want to wake up and face the reality of what she'd done.
"I'll go make something to make you feel better, all right?" He then offered. "Will you be able to get ready by yourself? Do you need any help?"
She shook her head to show him she would be all right, and looked up to finally meet his gaze. Sadness and worry were shinning bright in his gorgeous blue eyes. He continued to stroke her blond locks to soothe her, looking at her carefully as if she was coming back from the dead. Then he understood he had to get up and make everything ready, so he leaned forward to press a kiss on her forehead before getting off the bed and walking away.
The print of his lips seemed etched on her skin. She placed her hand against her forehead, as if to make the pleasant feeling of his kiss stay longer. She stayed for a little while laying on her back in the quiet of the room, trying to ease her horrific migraine, pounding underneath her skull and threatening to make it explode any minute now.
The night had been terrible for both her and Killian. She'd been sick for hours – it wasn't surprising given the crazy amount of alcohol she'd drunk. He'd stayed by her side the entire time, her hair wrapped in his hook to push it back, his hand rubbing her back in encouragement. He'd forced her to drink water too – a lot – and she was thankful for it, because she knew she would have felt even worse if he hadn't tried to make her drink that much. She'd cried a lot, too. As much for the pain her sickness was causing as for the absolute chaos she was feeling inside. Her husband was there the entire time, comforting her as she was sobbing, whispering to her ear he would stay there and he would never, ever leave her alone. When she'd finally fallen asleep, he'd been forced to wake her up every half an hour to make sure she hadn't fainted and he didn't have to bring her to the hospital. She let go of a long sigh at these blurred memories, wondering what the hell had gotten into her for drinking that much the night before.
She was feeling so guilty. Killian didn't seem mad at all, but worried because of her words and saddened by her tears. And she didn't want him to feel bad because of her. Pushed by the rum running through her veins, she'd admitted what was making her so sad, but she hadn't wanted to make him feel guilty, or bad. She just couldn't take it anymore, it'd had to come out or she would probably have turned insane.
But she was finding herself so damn stupid for putting herself in such a lamentable state. She was an adult, she should never have drunk that much without thinking about the consequences of her actions. She could have ended up in a hospital room. She'd behaved like an idiot, she thought, all because she'd wanted to run away from her feelings. And sure, what Killian'd done was wrong, but she was still feeling guilty. Mostly because she knew she'd hurt him, and she couldn't stand seeing him so sad because of her.
She ended up finding the strength in herself to get out of her bed, and shuffled to the bathroom. She was still feeling sick, the morning light was unbearable to her eyes, everything looked blurry and she was feeling like her brain was about to explode. Cursing herself once again because, damn, being hungover was definitely the worst, she brushed her teeth for a long time to get rid of the unpleasant taste she still had in her mouth. It was reminding her of what'd happened to night before, and god knows she didn't need that. Then she got undressed, leaving her clothes on the floor, and entered the shower with another little sigh.
The water was freezing, and she startled when it touched her naked skin. But she didn't do anything to escape the feeling, she needed it to clear up her mind. She didn't pay attention to the fact she was starting to shiver, and moved to place her face underneath the shower head, her hair falling in front of her eyes. She was feeling like the water was purifying her somehow, and it helped her get rid of the last bits of alcohol still glued to her skin. But even this couldn't erase the words she'd pronounced last night, nor Killian's pain because of what she'd done. She closed her eyes, pressing both her hands against the cold wall of the shower, placing her head between them. She was looking like she was asking for forgiveness without even realizing it.
She needed to go and apologize, they both needed to talk about this entire, horrible situation. Sure, she was aware she wasn't the only one in fault here, because the only reason why she'd started to drink in the first place was because she'd felt like Killian had chosen Jasmine over her. But she should have been able to contain herself. She should have acted like the adult she was supposed to be. She should have gone to talk to him, to show him that what he was doing was wrong instead of seeking comfort in the bottom of a glass of rum. She knew that she'd been wrong too, now. He'd hurt her, sure, but she'd behaved like a petulant teenager, and she'd hurt him as well. She was hating herself for that.
Without really thinking about what she was doing, and staying on her feet just underneath the water, she suddenly turned it up until it was burning hot, as if she was trying to punish herself through this action. She had to hold back a cry of pain when the heat came in contact with her skin, now used to the freezing temperature. She bit her bottom lip, but stayed there, forcing herself not to move for a few horrible seconds. Somehow, she was feeling like she was deserving this kind of treatment.
She eventually got out of there, after a very long time. The stifling heat of her shower had filled in the room, and she was finding it hard to breathe. Her hair was still drenched, and she put on some comfortable clothes, yoga pants and a wide sweater, since she was pretty sure she wasn't going to go anywhere that day.
It's only as she was putting on her sweater that she noticed the burn the hot water had left on her right arm. Her clear skin was bright red going from her wrist to the middle of her forearm. Almost fascinated by the surprising color, she pressed her left fingers on it, but stopped the touch immediately, wincing in pain. She shrugged, and lowered her sleeve over the wound so Killian wouldn't notice she was hurt. She didn't even want to try and make the burn better. She was thinking that, after all, she was deserving this.
She glanced at her reflection in the mirror, and let go of another little groan of despair. She was looking better that she'd imagined she would given how bad she was feeling inside, but she was still a mess. She had huge bags under her green eyes, and was so pale she was looking like she was going to be sick. She rubbed her face with her hands, and tied her hair up in a messy bun. Then, she decided to go down and join Killian in the kitchen. It was time. She wanted to talk with him. She wanted to apologize for her behavior. She just wanted things to get better.
A wonderful smell of coffee and toasted bread welcomed her when she arrived downstairs. She was still feeling kind of nauseous, but was pretty sure she wasn't going to be sick again, and she knew eating something would probably make her feel better.
It's a bit shyly that she entered the kitchen to find Killian making coffee, his back turned to her. She didn't know how he would react seeing her, she didn't know if he was going to get mad, and she just wanted to make him understand how damn sorry she was for what'd happened. But when he turned to look at her, he smiled, gently and tenderly, and she read pure love in his bright blue eyes. He gestured for her to sit down on a chair, a plate of toasts already covered with marmalade placed on the table. She obeyed, and he didn't take long to bring her a mug full of coffee. She wrapped her hands around the hot cup, letting got of a little sigh because she had no idea of how to begin the conversation. But he was the first to start talking in a gentle voice, a hand on her shoulder and peering at her face to make sure she was going to be all right.
"Are you okay?"
She just shrugged at that. If she was being honest, she wasn't feeling all right at all, but she didn't want to worry him even more. She'd acted like an idiot, and she would face the consequences of her actions. But he didn't seem that convinced by her answer and added with a very slight smile.
"It was a real question, love. To know how many aspirins you want for your head."
Encouraged by the welcoming tone of his voice, she said with a little smile, almost as a joke : "My head is about to explode. Maybe you should give me the entire box."
He shook his head, smiling a little bit wider and looking relieved that she was trying to joke, because it could only mean that she wasn't feeling that bad anymore. He walked away to go fetch the pills, and she brought the mug of coffee to her lips, hoping it would help her feel a bit better.
She took two big sips out of the drink. It burnt her throat, still fragile from the night, but it warmed her up from the inside and it was feeling so good. Putting the cup back on the table, she looked down at her breakfast, wondering if her stomach would accept it. She was kind of hungry, but she really didn't want to be sick again. Right as she was determined to finally try and eat one toast to see what would happen then, Killian came back with three aspirins in his hand, and placed the pills beside her on the table.
"What's that?" He then asked in a worried tone.
She frowned, wondering where this question was coming from, then noticed he was staring at her forearm with his brows together in concern. She cursed under her breath when she saw that the sleeve of her sweeter had rolled up to her elbow when she'd drunk her coffee, and was now divulging her burn. A bit embarrassed, she tugged on the arm to hid the wound, and mumbled as an answer :
"It's nothing"
He arched an eyebrow and she understood right away he wasn't convinced by her lie at all. He carefully took her arm to roll her sleeve back up, and peered at the burn spread there. She didn't try to resist, she was so tired and knew he would insist anyways. He tried to touch the wound to assess if it was bad or not, but she immediately freed herself from his grip with a little gasp when his skin came in contact with hers. She couldn't help herself, it was hurting too much to pretend.
"Oh, Swan." he said, shaking his head in worry. "Come on, love, you need to put cold water on it."
She let him take her by the hand as he led her to the nearest sink. He gently, but firmly placed her forearm underneath the freezing water to ease the pain. The silence filled in the space for a few seconds, then he started to talk again, his hand on the edge of the sink as if to make sure she was going to stay there.
"How did you do this?"
"I guess I just burnt myself in the shower." She answered with a little shrug, not looking up at him and she could feel his gaze burning on her skin. "It was an accident." She added, feeling his concern, and knowing that he'd already guessed she wasn't telling him the entire truth.
"You burnt yourself on purpose?"
He knew, damn him and his perceptiveness. She didn't even try to deny his statement : He already knew what'd happened anyways. He heart ached when he asked in a somewhat shaky voice, and she finally looked at him to see his eyes shinning with unshed tears.
"Why did you do that?"
She turned to look at him more easily, leaving her arm under the water so he wouldn't start panicking. He'd moved to press his hand on the small of her back, keeping her close to him. She felt tears starting to appear in her eyes when she saw how worried he was, and tried to keep her voice as steady as possible as she was saying, not really answering his question.
"Look, I'm just... I'm really sorry about yesterday, Killian. I don't know what I was thinking, I shouldn't have drunk like that. I behaved like a child. I feel so bad..."
"No, please, don't apologize, darling." He cut her off, and she tilted her head on its side, surprised by his reaction. "It's all my fault if you started to drink. I should never have left you all alone like that. It wasn't on purpose, I promise, I just lost track of time, but it is no excuse. I'm the one who behaved like an idiot. I didn't think about how you were feeling, and it's my part as your husband to make you happy. I'm so sorry you felt left alone again. You have suffered way too much in your life, and I don't intend to let you down ever again."
His words touched her soul, and she felt a lonely tear slowly rolling down her cheek. Without paying attention to the fact her arm was drenched with water, she turned completely away from the sink to hug him, her hands around his neck, her head resting on his shoulder. He wasn't long to embrace her completely, his face buried into the crook of her neck and his fingers running up and down her spine in a tender, soothing stroke.
She was finally feeling good in his arms. Her heartbeats were calming down, and she was feeling loved and safe. She would have wanted to stay there forever, escaping the world in this little bubble they were creating. When he was holding her like that, she was feeling like she was able to forget about her doubts and her fears, she could almost convince herself she would never be left alone again. He'd promised her he wouldn't let her down, after all.
"I love you so bloody much." He whispered in a broken voice, as if he was about to start crying.
Then he pulled away from her, his left arm still wrapped around her waist, his hand cupping her jaw to look at her more carefully. He was almost crying, she could see it now, and it made a lump appear in her throat. But he forced himself to smile at her, so gently her heart fluttered, and he wiped off a tear that was running down her cheek. Then, he said in a very low voice, as a promise she wanted to believe more than anything.
"We'll make everything better. We'll find something to get through this, okay? I just want you to be happy, so whatever you need, I promise I'll do it."
Then, without waiting for an answer - she would have been unable to answer him anyways, or she would have started to sob for good – he leaned forward to press a kiss on her lips. He was tasting like coffee and bread, and she let herself fall into the familiar taste of his mouth, trying to convince herself he was telling the truth and he wouldn't abandon her.
They unfortunately hadn't had the time to have a real talk about their feelings. They had while she was finishing her breakfast, sure, their hands linked above the table as if he wanted to prove her he wasn't lying and he was going to stay there forever. But he eventually found himself forced to leave to go get the kids at her parents', it was already late after all, and they didn't have a choice. Neal was supposed to come and play with Liam and Leia during the day, so Snow and David could have a little time for themselves as well, and Emma was feeling a bit worried about having three little kids at home all day. She still was horribly hungover after all, the aspirins had helped but it couldn't do miracles, and Neal was a loud kid, always getting excited in his games. She knew this day wasn't going to be an easy one.
Killian held her for a long time against him before walking away. They had both decided she would stay home to rest a bit while she still could, but she was so anxious to see Killian disappear, even if she knew where he was going and that it wasn't for long. She didn't want to stay alone with her dark thoughts. She needed to feel him beside her, because it was the only thing able to make her feel better. But he said to her ear in a very gentle voice just before leaving the house :
"I'll be right back, I promise."
He'd obviously read her mind and knew how she was feeling. He pressed a tender, long kiss on her forehead, as if to conceal his promise. She looked at him walking out of their house and stared at him until he'd disappeared at the corner of the street, feeling like it was the last time she was seeing him. It was absolutely horrifying.
As she was now finding herself alone, she searched for something to keep her mind out of the horrible situation she was stuck in. She put on some loud music, even if it was making her headache worse, because it was stopping her from thinking. Then, unusual thing for her, she started to clan the house, tidying things a bit because she needed to move, she just couldn't stay still.
She drank several mugs of coffee, what made her even more nervous, and it didn't help with her sadness nor her anxiety. Because despite her husband's embraces, despite his soothing words and his promise to never, ever leave her, she was still taking his secrets as an abandon. And she couldn't erase the image of his arm wrapped around Jasmine's shoulders from her mind.
So, when she saw her husband coming back with the kids a little bit more than half an hour later, the first thing she did was to hug him tight. She didn't want to let him go ever again. He didn't comment on this, he just held her so close he was almost lifting her up from the ground. It's only when she managed to convince herself he was there and he wasn't going anywhere, a couple of minutes later, that she finally squatted to greet Liam, Leia and Neal.
Her son seemed to notice that something was off with her right away. As Neal and Leia were running to the living room, both clueless of what was going on, he stayed with her, frowning as if he was trying to analyze her. Emma waited patiently for him to say something, intrigued by his behavior. Then, finally, he placed his little hand on her forehead as if he wanted to make sure she wasn't running a fever.
"What are you doing, sweetheart?" She gently asked, touched by how soft his gesture was.
"You sick, Mommy?" He answered, still peering at her with concern.
"No, baby." She said, rubbing his back to comfort him because, god, she wasn't going to worry her little boy in addition to all of this. "I just have a bit of a headache. But I'm fine, don't you worry. Go play with the others, okay?"
He seemed to waver a bit, but she forced herself to smile at him so he would feel better, and it encouraged him to go. He grinned back and walked away with light steps, joining his sister and uncle to finally take part in their games. Emma got up and turned to Killian, who immediately placed an arm around her waist to pull her closer to his chest.
"You're not feeling better, are you?" he said in a worried tone, dropping a kiss to the top of her head as if to comfort her.
"Not really." She admitted with a little sigh. "I'm just glad you're home."
On that note, he held her even closer to him, and they stayed snuggled against one another for a very long time in the middle of their hallway.
"You all right, darling?"
Killian's voice drew Emma away from her intense thoughts. She was sitting on her couch, watching the kids, but she'd let herself get distracted by her situation for a few seconds. She blinked, cursing herself internally. Anything could have happened during these few short moments, but luckily, her kids and brother hadn't done anything wrong meanwhile and were still playing on the living room, giggling at their games.
But she did have an excuse to be that distracted, though : her headache was still there, even if it'd gotten better through the hours, and she was completely exhausted by the horrible night she'd had, despite the crazy amount of coffee she'd drunk and that was still making her nervous. She however forced herself to nod and smile at her husband, she really didn't want him to worry even more because of her. He came to sit beside her, and she immediately placed her head against his shoulder with a little sigh, as he was wrapping his arm around her to feel her closer to him.
"You're still sad, aren't you?" He whispered to her ear.
She glanced at the kids to make sure they were still busy and couldn't hear them talking. That was an adult conversation, and she didn't want to worry them in addition to everything. She nodded slowly, and he buried his nose in her hair to breathe her in. Her mood hadn't gotten better at all, and she couldn't wait to resume her conversation with her husband. She needed to tell him everything that was going on inside of her mind. She didn't want any secrets between them anymore. She wanted to be absolutely, utterly honest with him to try and chase this horrible pain in her heart away.
"We're going to talk about this." He promised, answering her inner thoughts as if he was reading her. An open book. "We're going to talk about your feelings, okay? I'm so sorry you were feeling too bad to talk to me before, but I won't let this happen again. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. You can trust me with this, I promise."
"I know." She whispered, her voice barely audible, touched by his words.
She left her chin up to look at him in the eyes, and he leaned to press a little kiss on her lips. She enjoyed the familiar and comforting touch, she suddenly wanted to stay like this forever, because, damn, he was feeling so good. But a cry suddenly rang against the walls. She immediately recognized Leia's voice, and the both of them startled at the same time. With the feeling that something bad was happening, they both turned to the kids to finally understand what was going on.
The scene seemed to happen so slowly and at a crazy speed all at the same time. Liam had taken advantage of the fact his parents were busy to obviously use his magic, what they'd strictly forbidden him to do, and she couldn't understand why he'd suddenly disobeyed this order. God knows how given the fact he still didn't know how to control his powers, he'd managed to make a huge vase, that was usually laying on the fireplace, fly in the air. His eyes wide, he was himself looking afraid by what he was doing.
Emma understood he'd lost all control over his own power when she saw the vase starting to float above Leia's head. Her head titled, the little girl was staring up at the item with pure terror, as if she knew a danger was threatening her. Neal was obviously finding this entire situation really funny, because he was clapping and encouraging his nephew to continue his tricks.
Suddenly, everything changed really quickly. The vase stopped floating and started to fall, aiming at Leia's head who, completely terrified, now, had stopped moving and was looking like petrified. Emma let go of a cry of pure distress, knowing all too well the vase could kill Leia on the spot given how heavy it was. Then, without thinking, in a crazy impulse because she had to save her little girl's life, there was no other choice and her maternal instinct had taken control over her, she managed to use her own magic to make the vase move. It went to explode against the opposite side of the room, in a horrible clash that made them all startle, but Leia was safe and that was all that mattered.
The room stayed in a shocked silence for a few seconds, everybody realizing the worst had almost happened. Then Leia started to cry, knowing that she'd almost gotten really hurt. Killian got up to take her into his arms and tried to soothe her, whispering to her ear "it's okay, little love, you're okay, we are here, you're all right."
Emma could hear at the tone of his voice and see at his shaky hand that the panic was still running through his veins at the idea he'd almost lost his daughter. Neal said under his breath : "wow, that was cool", obviously not realizing how bad the situation was. Liam was looking frightened and excited all at the same time by what he'd just done, and Emma suddenly started to move, getting out of the state of shock she was in. She approached him and stood in front of her son, her fear making her heart beat almost painfully in her chest.
"What the hell has gotten into you?!"
She'd just yelled so loudly her voice had almost broken on the last word. She'd never screamed like that at one of her kids, she would always be careful to talk to them calmly when they'd made a mistake because she knew yelling would only scare them, but it was too much to take for her. She'd been too scared. Liam startled and looked at her with wide eyes. She was so, so mad. He had not only disobeyed her, and he had to understand it was wrong because, damn, he could create a mess with his powers if he was using them now, but he'd almost hurt his sister really badly. It was bad, really bad, and Emma couldn't help herself but yell because she had been so scared.
Liam ended up starting to talk again, as if to avoid being punished. "Did you see, Mommy? I made the vase fly!"
"Liam!" Killian said dryly in her back, sounding so mad as well. "Can't you see how wrong what you just did was?"
"So what, you made the vase fly?!" Emma outbid, her hands on her hips. "You want me to congratulate you, maybe?"
"But Mommy..." He protested in a little voice, looking impressed by the tone she'd just used to talk to him.
She felt Killian move behind her back. She knew he was supporting her on this, but he probably wanted her to stop yelling and talk calmly instead. She was aware that getting mad wasn't going to help her son understand that what he'd done was wrong, she knew that explaining the situation to Liam was the only way for him to get it. But she was so angry, she'd been so damn scared to lose one of them because of a stupid accident. And she was also mad at herself for not paying attention for a few seconds, because everything had happened while she was distracted. And her rage was exacerbated by her headache and the amount of coffee she'd drunk since she'd woken up.
"No, Liam!" She continued. "You could have hurt yourself really badly, do you know that? Hell, you almost killed your sister!"
"But I didn't want to hurt her..." he tried to justify himself.
"It doesn't change anything! How many times have I told you to not use your magic, huh?! How many times, Liam?"
Her baby brother was looking at her with wide eyes, standing just beside his nephew. He'd never heard her scream like this either, and he seemed really shocked about it. She was always so calm with the kids usually. Liam, the surprise gone, seemed to find all of this really unfair. He clenched his little fists, frowned, and started to scream as well.
"Stop yelling! Neal told me to do it!"
"And so what?" Emma replied, before Killian could say anything to try and calm the situation down. "It's not an excuse! You don't have to listen to him! If Neal tells you to throw yourself into the lake, you're gonna do it, maybe?"
She was so angry she didn't even realize she'd just pronounced the typical sentence of angry moms all around the world. Liam was so pale, and he was staring at her with fierce eyes. He was usually so calm, but he was looking at the edge of a tantrum, what'd never happened before. He had never gotten that angry. A set of drawers suddenly started to slam repeatedly, showing just how angry the little boy was at his mom's reaction. He was transformed, now, his smiles long gone. Far from being impressed, Emma continued :
"You're going to stay in your room until I know what to do with you, young man!"
It was obviously too much for the little boy. He'd never actually been punished, he'd just had to stay in his room a couple of times when he'd done something wrong, but what he'd done there was too bad for that. The lights of the room faltered a few times, then Liam yelled :
"I hate you!"
The words hit Emma so hard she felt dizzy for a second. She hadn't expected that at all, and she felt her heart ache so hard she was suddenly feeling sick. She'd always been so close to her son, and now he hated her. She didn't feel able to contain her emotions, not with everything that was happening lately. It was too much. He didn't love her anymore, because she'd yelled at him. She was a bad mom. Obviously, she was. At that moment, exhausted, anxious, she couldn't realize Liam had only said those words without thinking about them, because he was angry. She was feeling like she'd just received a bucket of iced water on her head.
The room was filled in a shocked silence. Leia had stopped crying, and even Liam seemed surprised by his own words. She vaguely heard Killian started to talk, saying in a cold tone : "Liam! What are you thinking?! Don't talk to your mom like that!". She didn't know what to do, she didn't know how to react and she was feeling like she was going to turn insane. She took three steps back, just hoping to escape from this horrible situation.
Killian noticed her movement and how shocked she was. In a gentle voice, he asked : "Swan? You okay?"
She didn't answer anything, she still didn't know what to do. She didn't know what to say because she was thinking that her son was right, that she was a bad mom because she'd yelled and that she was doing everything wrong. So she did the only thing she could do, the only thing she was always doing when she was feeling scared.
She ran.
Without answering to Killian, she turned her back to her family and rushed to her door. She needed to get away from there, it was important, or she would turn insane. She needed to be alone, to think, to walk away from this because it was too much to take for her already broken heart.
"Swan!"
She ignored Killian's scream and slammed the door behind her back, running down the stairs of her porch as if her life depended on it.
All right guys! So yeah, I feel like I've covered a few sensitive subjects here, mostly the self-inflicted burn. I kinda wanted to show how mad Emma was at herself, but she didn't really think about what she was doing by turning the water so hot. As for the scene with Liam, don't worry, he just said those words because he was angry, he's himself shocked by what he's done... Emma got really mad because she has a migraine, she drank a crazy amount of coffee and sh'se still kinda hungover, but I promise the little boy and his mom will have a calm conversation in the next chapter!
I hope you liked this chapter, and see you next week! :)