Early update because we're getting to the end and I have some free time this morning... Last chapter/Beginning of the sequel will be up this weekend.
"The coven is afraid that you're letting your feelings control your actions. This is a crucial time. You need to be careful." Giles' voice was hesitant as he spoke.
"Oh, the coven thinks? The coven thinks? What about what I think Giles? I'm in love with her and the coven thinks I can't tell her. What about that Giles?"
He sighed heavily, watching the pacing woman carefully. "I know, and I'm sorry, but it's only for a short time more. You can make it just a little longer, right?"
"It's been months already. I see her everyday and it kills me that I can't say anything."
"I know and I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can tell you that will make it better. You'll just have to get through it," he said sympathetically.
She groaned. "I know. I don't mean to complain, it's just frustrating." There was a distant bell and she sighed, standing up. "That's my cue, I've got to go."
She left the library, stopping in surprise as she immediately saw someone else in the hall. Her jaw dropped in shock and she cast a guilty glance over her shoulder. "Tara…hey."
The blonde witch smiled gently at her, obviously amused. "Hey Willow. I was looking for you."
"You were? Did you just get here? You didn't hear anything, did you?" Willow asked, slightly panicked. Tara laughed at the other girl's paranoia and Willow pouted. "You didn't, did you?"
"No Will. I just got here." She smiled crookedly and Willow felt her heart melt immediately. "Why? If it's important maybe Giles will fill me in," Tara said with a grin, taking several steps toward the library door before Willow intercepted her, looping an arm through Tara's and using it to pull her gently back down the hall.
"Or you could come with me," she suggested, smiling widely. Tara grinned as they got away from the library, exiting the building and walking down the hill. "So, where did you want to go today?" Willow asked, quietly thrilled that Tara hadn't moved to take her arm back, leaving them curled together.
The blonde shrugged, still smiling. "It doesn't matter to me. How about that nice spot under the tree?" she suggested.
Willow nodded, giving the other girl a sidelong glance. "That sounds great to me."
Tara noticed Willow looking at her but said nothing. To give herself away now, after months of trying to hide her feelings, would be too much of a risk. Not only did the coven think that it would distract Willow from the final stage of her magical education, but to find out for sure if her hopes would be dashed once Willow was fully restored to herself was a risk the blonde couldn't bring herself to take.
Tara was trying her best not to hope for anything. It had become more obvious every day that the other witch felt something for her, despite the redhead's best efforts to hide it, but Tara couldn't let herself hope that the feelings would remain once Willow got the memories back. She knew she shouldn't let herself drift so dangerously close to being honest about what she still felt for the other girl, but they'd been apart for so long, and she missed her so much… With a sigh she turned her attention back to reality.
The coven had spent the last four months teaching Willow the tenets of the Wiccan beliefs on magic, lessons on control and balance, surprised by the sheer power of the redhead. She had done amazingly well with the training and was now almost finished. Tara was proud of how well her girl had done with the training, but a small part of her feared the quickly approaching day when the memory spell would be broken.
They spent hours together every day, practicing and meditating. Today they were meditating until sundown and then they were going with Giles to London to pick up Buffy, Xander, and Dawn from the airport. It was spring break from school so Buffy had finally relented and allowed the youngest Scooby to join them on a trip to England. Buffy and Xander had spent a lot of time in England with Willow, only going home a few times during her stay there. The friends were all spending Dawn's vacation with the coven in England. It was the hope of the coven that Willow would be able to return home with them when they left at the end of the holiday. They had spoken to Tara and Giles about it, but Willow didn't know yet that she was so close to going home.
There was still a chill in the air, but it hadn't snowed in a few weeks so they were grateful for every day they could still meditate outside instead of having to stay inside. They seated themselves under the tree they favored and both concentrated on slowing down their breathing. The temperature dropped as the sun fell below the trees and Tara pulled herself out of her meditation as she felt the chill. Willow was still concentrating and Tara leaned back against the tree, giving herself a few moments to just watch the other woman without worrying about being caught.
It had been difficult for her to get used to interacting closely with Willow and not being able to express how she really felt about the other girl. She was constantly having to catch herself from saying something too personal. Buffy and Xander did their best to help cover for her whenever she slipped up, but they were all sure that Willow was catching more than she let on. It had grown more comfortable between them since Xander's birthday, almost like it been between them before, but the quickly approaching day when the spell would be broken was something Tara worried more about every day. Willow was always kind and friendly toward her, but she knew that the girl was hiding feelings of her own.
Willow's eyelashes fluttered as she came out of her meditation and she smiled as she opened her eyes to see Tara's hand extended to help her up. She took it and they walked back in silence, both caught up in their thoughts.
As they got within sight of the coven's home, Willow reached out and pulled Tara to a stop. The blonde looked at her curiously, their breath fogging in the cold air. Willow had been fighting with her attraction to the blonde witch and the feelings that she had developed for the other woman. Giles and Buffy had both told her not to say anything to Tara, but Willow could feel that there was something going on that involved herself and Tara that the others were not telling her. She was scared to get her memories back if it meant that the blonde witch would go back to the uncomfortable tension there had been between them when she had first woken up after her memory had been blocked.
"What is it? Are you alright?" Tara asked, smiling uncertainly and drawing Willow out of her thoughts.
Willow was looking at her nervously, her jaw moving with no words making their way out. Tara reached out to touch her shoulder supportively. "What is it? You can tell me," she said gently.
This was apparently what Willow needed to hear and she stepped closer to the other girl. Tara glanced down at the little bit of space between them, suddenly nervous, but didn't have time to say anything else before Willow was kissing her.
She was stunned and surprised, but her body knew instinctually how to respond when Willow kissed her and she returned the kiss immediately. One of Willow's hands came up to slide into Tara's hair, keeping her close. After a moment, she deepened the kiss, immediately gratified that Tara didn't stop her, but responded passionately, her arms wrapping around Willow's thin waist and pulling her tight against her own body.
Abruptly, Tara realized what she was doing and broke the kiss, stepping backwards quickly with one hand coming up to cover her mouth. "Oh God. Willow…I-I-I I'm sorry. That shouldn't have…I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry." Her mind was screaming at her to just shut up and kiss her again, consequences be damned.
The redhead blinked at her in surprise, a stunned smile on her lips. "Don't be. That was amazing." Tara looked like she was going to bolt any second, and Willow touched her on the shoulder. "Tara, hey, I didn't mean to freak you out." She took a deep breath, looking the other girl in the eyes. "But that can't be the first time we've kissed. There's no way."
Tara shook her head, her hand coming up to her forehead, covering her eyes. "Willow, I can't talk about this…"
"Why not? There's something here! I know there is!" Willow demanded, stepping closer and keeping her gaze steady into Tara's eyes, her hand gently taking Tara's hand down from her face. She leaned closer slowly, her voice lowering. "I know you feel it too."
There was a moment of stillness before their mouths joined again, neither one sure who had moved first. One of Willow's hands slid back into Tara's hair, her other hand finding a grip on the blonde's hip, pulling her closer. Tara gave up trying to fight against it, the months of hiding her feelings forgotten in the feel of Willow's kiss. Her arms wrapped tightly around the woman she loved, her mouth dropping open under Willow's exploration. She could feel Willow's hand slipping through her hair and couldn't stop herself from moaning as the redhead's other hand slid down from her hip to her butt, pulling her in tighter.
They jerked back in surprise as they heard Buffy's startled exclamation of "Oh my God!" and Dawn's excited squeal. The witches jumped away from each other guiltily, turning to look at their friends.
Dawn had both hands covering her mouth and Buffy's jaw was hanging open. Xander was standing behind them with a wide grin on his face, not even trying to pretend that he wasn't thrilled with the discovery. Tara stared at them all for a long moment before the tension was too much and she bolted towards the house, leaving the others staring after her.
"Surprise," Buffy said weakly. "We're early."
Willow went to follow Tara, but Buffy intercepted her. "Whoa, maybe we should just slow down here for a minute and you fill us in on what's going on," Buffy said quickly, putting one hand on each of Willow's shoulders.
The witch tried to duck away from the Slayer, but was unable to get away. She scowled at the blonde. "Has anyone ever told you that you're freakishly strong?"
Buffy grinned and Xander laughed. "Yeah, actually I sort of hear that a lot. Now, what's going on? You and Tara were kissing Willow."
The redhead blushed, nodding. "Yeah, I kind of…laid one on her." Buffy's eyebrows raised in surprise and Willow quickly continued. "But that wasn't the first time we've kissed…"
Xander stepped forward. "You've kissed her before?" he asked, sudden tension in his voice. "We were only gone for a few days!"
She shook her head. "That's not what I mean. I don't remember kissing her before, but there's no way that was the first time we've kissed. It's impossible." She looked seriously at the three in front of her. "The way it felt when I kissed her, it was so familiar." Dawn's hands were clamped tightly over her mouth, but they couldn't hide the joy in her eyes. "There's something between us, isn't there?" Willow asked. "What is it?"
"You know we can't Will," Buffy said kindly. "The coven doesn't want it distracting you from your training."
"But there is something there?" she repeated.
Buffy shook her head. "Even if we could tell you, it's not our place. Tara…you would need to hear it from her."
Willow eyed each one of them. "But she's not going to tell me, is she?"
Buffy shrugged. "I don't know. I doubt it, but…it's been rough few months for her. She doesn't like hiding this from you." Willow couldn't stop herself from looking hopeful. "Will, can you try and make this easier for her? Don't push her, alright? She'll tell you when she's ready."
The redhead nodded slowly, sighing. "I really do care about her. I may not remember anything from before, but these last four months with her have been amazing." She looked at them, suddenly shy. "I love her."
Dawn squeaked before she could stop herself and Buffy shot a look over her shoulder at her sister before she looked back at her best friend, hugging her quickly. "And believe us, no one will be happier about that than Tara is, but you can't let it distract you from finishing your training. Giles told us that you're almost done here. They said you can come home with us whenever we take Dawnie home."
Willow pulled back from the hug slowly, trying to think. "So I'm going to get my memories back?"
Xander nodded. "Yeah! And we can all go home and everything will be back to normal," he said enthusiastically, wrapping an arm around Dawn's shoulders.
Willow took a deep breath, looking at the ground. "What if I don't want to get my memories back? What if I'd rather stay like this?"
Xander's jaw dropped and he exchanged a nervous look with Buffy. "But why?" the Slayer asked.
"Tara was so uncomfortable with me after I woke up. I don't know what it was, but I get the idea that I hurt her pretty bad. And while we've been here…well, she's finally okay with me and I don't want to lose that. I don't want to go back to being the person that hurt her."
Buffy shook her head rapidly. "You're not Willow." She sighed heavily. "The person that hurt her is gone. I can't deny that you did something horrible to Tara, but you're not the same person you were. When you hurt her, you were abusing the magic and you were scared. You're not that way anymore. She knows that. But if we don't undo the memory blocks, then we've done the same thing to you."
Willow's expression was horrified. "I erased her memory? Why would I do that?"
"Crap," Buffy muttered. "You are too smart to let you ask questions." She felt Xander step up beside her and glanced up at him quickly. He nodded slowly, squeezing her shoulder in support. "You need to talk to Tara. I've already told you too much. Just know Willow, that we know that you would never do anything like that again. And Tara knows it too. She doesn't want you to stay like this. She wants Willow back - the real Willow…her Willow."
"What if she doesn't?" Willow asked, her fear apparent.
Buffy smiled supportively. "Willow, I can't say for sure what's in Tara's heart, but I know how she acts and I see the look on her face when she looks at you. If I had to guess, I'd say she's just as scared as you are, about the same things. I don't know if you two can work it out, but I do know that you guys still feel for each other. The rest is up to the two of you."
"And no matter what happens, we love you both," Xander added, his hand touching Willow's hair gently.
She nodded, glancing distractedly in the direction Tara had gone. Buffy smiled gently at her. "Go on. Find her." Willow hugged her quickly before she took off up the hill. The others looked at each other in the darkness, not saying anything.
Giles looked up from his book in surprise as Willow burst into his room. He put his book down quickly and stood up, catching the witch by her shoulders. "Willow, what is it? Did you find Buffy and Xander? They were going to look for you. They've brought Dawn back with them to spend her spring break here with us."
She nodded, glancing around the room anxiously. "Giles, I need you to tell me something."
He looked her over carefully. "If I can, I will," he promised.
"Am I done, with the training, am I finished?"
He blinked in surprise, not expecting that question. "Well, Willow, actually yes. For the most part. The coven has been very impressed with your progress. You've done an incredible job. We were going to meet tomorrow to discuss ending the spell that's blocking your memories."
"Do it now," she said rapidly. "Please Giles, do it now."
He frowned. "What's wrong? What's your sudden hurry?"
"I kissed Tara and she took off, but I need to talk to her, and the others said…" She ran out of air and Giles looked her carefully in the eyes while she took a deep breath. "I just need to be myself again. I have to know if Tara and I can make it work and I can't do that until I'm Willow again."
He smiled gently at her. "If you're sure this is what you want, I'll be more than happy to see Willow again."
She nodded, closing her eyes tightly. "Let the spell be ended," he said quietly and she stumbled as the memories rushed back into her head. She saw herself hiding the flower under Tara's pillow and burning the crystal that had made everyone forget themselves. She opened her eyes as the memories of her degradation at Rack's house came to the forefront. Then there was the memory of her friends bursting in and taking her out of there. There were tears in her eyes and she blinked up at Giles.
The older man kept a steadying hand on her shoulder, looking her in the eyes and able to see that she'd been successfully restored simply by the look in her eyes. She leaned forward in a rush, hugging him tightly. After a moment of surprise, he hugged her back. "It's good to have you back Willow. I'm very proud of you."
"Thank you Giles," she breathed into his sweater, pulling back. "I've got to find her." He nodded, smiling gently. She bolted to the door, bumping into Buffy and Xander as they started to come in. They looked at each other in surprise as she threw her arms around both of them. "I missed you guys." She let them go and squeezed Dawn tightly. "I'm glad you're here Dawnie, and we'll talk when I get back, but I've got to go." She rushed down the hall, leaving her friends staring after her.
"Did she hit her head? We just saw her," Xander asked, confused.
"That was Willow," Giles said simply.
Everyone's eyes widened in surprise. "You undid the spell?" Buffy asked and her Watcher nodded. They all poked their heads back into the hallway, as if to make sure they'd really seen her.
"And she's going to find Tara?" Dawn asked excitedly, squealing happily when Giles nodded.
Willow didn't find her in the library, or in her own room, and was rushing past the door to the kitchen when she dimly heard crying inside. She hesitated only a moment before she opened the door and went in. The lights were off and she squinted in the darkness. The sobs were choked back as she stumbled in the dark, bumping into something, and she heard Tara's voice. "W-W-Willow?" the blonde asked timidly.
"Yeah Tara, it's me. Can we talk about what happened?" She moved closer to where she could hear Tara's sniffles.
"Okay," Tara said quietly and a light appeared, a tiny tinkerbell that danced through the air to Willow. She put a hand up and the light curled through her fingers as she wiggled them, the spell they'd created together apparently recognizing her and the redhead smiled softly in spite of her nervousness.
It flew back to Tara a moment later and Willow looked at her in the light, hesitating as she started to walk to her. Tara had her legs pulled up to her chest and was sitting on the floor, her back against the wall. Willow could see the tracks of tears on her face in the dim light, the tinkerbell circling above her. She'd only taken a step when Tara's voice stopped her.
"Willow, wait. I-I-I need to tell you something," Tara said, her voice trembling and it took everything Willow had to stop, lingering just outside the tinkerbell's light.
She could hear Tara take a shaking breath and she braced herself for the heartbreak. "You've done such a good job here Willow, and you're so strong. And…" Tara paused, trying to gather her courage. "…and I can tell that you like me, that you care about me a lot, and I don't want to hurt you, but I'm, I love someone else."
Willow held her breath, wondering if Tara could hear her heart shatter, if Buffy and Xander could hear it on the other side of the farmhouse. She'd been such an idiot, and now she'd lost the only person she needed. "Are you happy?" she asked hoarsely, surprised that she could speak at all.
Tara sucked in a surprised breath. Willow had never been one to beat around the bush and Tara let the breath out slowly. "I think I could be, maybe, someday," she answered as honestly as she could.
"What does that mean?" Willow asked, staring into the flickering light of the spell, not sure if she could watch Tara's face as she described the happiness she'd found with someone else. "You know what, don't answer that," she decided quickly. "I just…will you let me say something? And then I'll leave you alone."
Tara shifted against the wall and Willow could see her head bob. The redhead moved slowly into the light, crouching down in front of her love, and reaching forward to wipe the tears away with her thumbs.
"Are you okay?" Willow asked gently, tilting her head to the side to get a better look at her. Tara nodded wordlessly, looking at her closely for the first time since she'd entered. There was something different about Willow…something had changed.
She recognized the look in her love's green eyes as a mixture of regret, pain, and fear. It took her a moment to realize that the look in her eyes was too much for regret over their single incident and Tara couldn't remain sitting down as she realized the truth. She shot to her feet in a hurry, surprising Willow, who tilted her head back to look up at her in confusion. "Willow?" Tara breathed, tears reappearing in her eyes, a shaking hand covering her mouth.
The redhead stood up slowly. "Yeah, it's me."
"You got your memories back," she said and Willow nodded, uncertain of her lover's reaction. "Thank God," Tara breathed, pulling Willow into a tight hug. Willow smiled against her shoulder, hugging her back just as hard. "I missed you," Tara said quietly, one hand in red hair while the other was around the other girl's waist. "I missed you so much Willow."
The redhead nodded against Tara's shoulder. "I missed you too. I couldn't remember why exactly, but I missed you every day." She didn't move from Tara's arms, not wanting to lose the contact. "We need to talk Tara."
The blonde sighed heavily, not loosening her grip on Willow. "I know, but I'm afraid of what you're going to say and I can't lose you again."
Willow leaned her head sideways against Tara's, her eyes closing. "I'm afraid of what you're going to tell me too Tara." She took a deep breath. "I'll go first, okay?" She pulled back gently, just enough so that she could look the other girl in the eyes.
"I screwed up. I hurt you and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Tara. I got so lost, and I lost you along the way. You didn't have to stay here and help me this whole time, but you did and I love you for that. I love you for that, and for any of a million other reasons." She paused, trying to gauge the blonde's reaction. "I don't expect you to love me too, not like it used to be, but I just want you to know that I'm completely, madly in love with you and I always will be, even if you never..." She swallowed as she finished speaking, refusing to let herself babble. "I'm so sorry Tara. I'll do everything to prove that to you. I'm so, so sorry, and I love you so much. I hope you can forgive me someday."
Tara blinked, tears dropping from her eyes and Willow's mouth turned downwards. "I've never been able to bear seeing you cry." She took in a shuddering breath. "I want you to know that whoever it is that you love, she's the luckiest woman alive. I won't stand in your way Tara," she managed to say. She brushed the tears away with the fingers of one hand, eyes widening in surprise as Tara pressed a gentle kiss to her palm as the hand moved over her face. Her lips curled up in a cautious smile as Tara's hand came up to touch her own. "Tara?"
Tara was staring at her and Willow held her breath as she waited for a single move from the other girl. "Willow, you're wrong. You're the one that I love. There's no one else, there could never be anyone else. I just couldn't let you, the you with no memories, I couldn't let it go farther with her when I love you." She took a deep breath, her eyes drinking in the sight of Willow, finally whole again. "But things fall apart, they fall apart so hard…"
Green eyes blinked rapidly in surprise, feeling like her heart was going to pound through her chest. "Tara?"
"You can't ever put them back the way they were…you know, it takes time. You just got your memories back, and there's so much to work through. Trust has to be built again, on both sides - we have to learn if we're the same people we were, if we can fit in each other's lives, it's a long, important process…"
Willow nodded slowly, knowing that Tara was right, knew that she would do anything Tara asked for any chance to stay a part of her life, even if Tara never took her back. All she knew was that she needed Tara, as a friend if the blonde couldn't trust her enough for them to get back to what they'd had.
"I know," she said, her voice soft and sad, squeezing Tara's hand in hers.
"Can we just skip it? Can you just be kissing me now?" Tara interrupted her before she had a chance to say anything else. There was a pause, Willow's eyes widening and a smile growing on her face before she was leaning in, Tara's arms pulling her in tight, their lips meeting, kissing passionately, hands sliding deep into hair, both thriving in the closeness they'd craved for so long.
It had been less an hour since Willow had kissed her outside, but the interminable months before that had stretched like a tense rubber band, finally snapping with this first real kiss. Neither one wanted to stop touching each other, it had been so long, too long. The need for air eventually overpowered even their powerful desire for each other, and they separated, gasping against each other.
"Willow, I love you so much. I've been waiting for you to come back to me for so long. All these months, they told me not to say anything. They said it would distract you," Tara panted, pausing as Willow laughed, one of her hands finding Willow's, unable to resist touching her, not wanting to be away from her.
"They told me the same thing, sweetie," she said in a rush, squeezing the hand Tara was holding.
The blonde smiled at her, slipping their fingers together. "I forgive you Willow," she said quietly, looking her lover in the eye. "And I love you so much."
"I love you Tara," Willow responded, leaning in close for a kiss, the temptation of Tara's lips too much to deny. Tara happily kissed her back, their arms tight around each other. They didn't react when the lights turned on suddenly, but broke the kiss slowly as they both eventually ran out of air.
Willow opened her eyes slowly, squinting in the sudden brightness and turning her head to face the intruders. Their friends all had grins on their faces as they saw the two witches embracing. "You guys knew I was coming to look for Tara, you had to come looking for us now?" she asked, unable to hold back her sarcasm.
Buffy grinned unrepentantly. "Hey, we had no way of know what was going on in here. And you two are making out in the kitchen, it's not a good room to choose if you're trying to keep people from walking in," she advised sagely.
"We'll keep that in mind," Willow commented. "What are you guys doing in here anyway?"
Xander grinned at her. "Not all of us have been making out with pretty girls. Some of us came to England early to surprise their best friend and were expecting some dinner at some point."
Willow blushed at that. "Sorry guys. I didn't mean to blow you off. It's just been a crazy night," she apologized.
Buffy smirked at the pair. "Yeah, well I get the feeling I'm not going to want to be sharing a room with Tara tonight."
"Dawn can stay in my bed, I'll stay in Willow's room," Tara offered hurriedly and Buffy raised an eyebrow in amusement.
"So I guess that means that you two are good?" Buffy asked, her smile turning gentle.
The two witches looked at each other for a moment, both smiling excitedly. "We're better than good," Tara said, her eyes never leaving Willow.
"Great," Buffy said happily, grinning at the witches' distraction.
"Super," Willow agreed, leaning in for a kiss.