A/N: hi! thanks for the reviews guys. I'm kind of glad you all want this story to go on lol and see that you demand Logan back rather than wanting to read Kames lol.. ok well.. this, below, is happening because of you all asking for the Jagan action..

also, there was a question about Carlos. if you take a look at the chapters in the beginning you find a part where it's mentioned that Carlos is playing hockey somewhere.. he used to be James' boyfriend, and Logan knew about him, and was pretty jealous, and afraid that he may get back... i want to get him back sometime..

apologies for any mistake you may find.. or any confusion that i cause.. i do not do this on purpose, this is just the way i write lol sorry.

anyways, enjoy and review and tell your friends :) Lots Of Love!

Chapter 10

Just like any other day, James woke up in a different bed, but with the same sun caressing his face. If there was one thing he demanded from any place he had to stay at, was a room looking towards East. Whenever he was awaken, he wanted to be with that little warm feeling that the sun gave. It was the most he could have, not having Logan by his side got him cold all the time. He needed this warmth to know that he wasn't completely alone. It reminded him that even though Logan was far away in a hospital room, he was alive, he had a chance for living yet.

Yawning, not exactly wanting to get up yet, James turned with his back to the bright morning sun. And found himself facing Logan.

He wasn't surprised. He wasn't scared. He was speechless. And he was crying.

It had been so long ago when Logan had come to see him.

A week?

Nope.

Two weeks?

No.

A month maybe?

Yeah.

I have missed you. Logan was the first to speak.

James sighed saying, "I've missed you too." With the intention of touching Logan, James reached out. But his hand never met Logan's. "I hate this. You are here and yet you are not. Logan .. "

No. Don't say a thing. I'll be right gone after I told you a few things.

"I don't want you to be gone. I want you to be awake and lie here next to me blood and flesh." His desperate voice almost cracked while he spoke, but James had to.

Nothing's working. I want you to ... either order the operation, or get me taken off the machines.

"I'm not doing any of those." Calmly, James said.

You're not going to be able to move on then.

"Then I'm not going to move on."

James, don't be stupid. I'm almost dead. You can't be alone for the rest of your life because of me. Do you know how bad I feel because of that?

James didn't answer but looked away.

It wasn't till then that Logan put his hand onto his face. That made James glance at his boyfriend again. "How is it you can touch me but I can't touch you. When I touched you at the hospital you didn't feel it. You didn't feel me." Tears came roughly wanting to tear James' eyes apart. But he held back yet.

I think it's because my body is ... out. Keeping the slow caress on James' cheek, Logan said. This is why I tell you to move on. I'm not going to be okay. Never again. But you still have your whole life in front of you.

"At this very moment it is in front of me, yes."

At that Logan smiled a little. I can't be your life anymore. You'll have to look after someone new.

James put his hand onto his chest. "I won't. No one will take this place of yours in my heart."

I see you with Kendall.

"No."

Yes.

"Why haven't I seen you?"

I didn't want you to. I see you guys have a great connection. If I wasn't afraid of freaking him out, I'd ask Kendall to give himself more credit, because I know how much you like him. And he doesn't believe it, for some strange reason, but he doesn't.

"When we first met you didn't believe it either."

It's not about us anymore.

"It is."

It's about you. James, listen. I'll always be fine, if you're happy. Whether I'm dead, half dead, or awake or anything. My happiness is your happiness.

"But you are my happiness, Logan. What am I going to do without you?" James cried.

Logan shook his head. Look around. Since I'm not here how far you have come?

"I hate this talk, Logan. No. I can't do this." Pulling away from Logan's invisible touch, James wiped his tears off his face. "I don't care what you are saying. I'm not giving up on you."

Fine. Don't give up then. But don't give up on yourself either. Please, James.

But James sat up, showed his back to Logan and cried silently. Please, James. That was the last thing James heard before feeling a cool breeze filling the room. He knew Logan was gone to nowhere again.

In ten minutes it was time for leaving though, and James had to get himself together, even though he wanted to stay inside the whole day, sobbing, trying to decide what to do. While he was getting dressed, he kept thinking about things that Logan would say. Rather than trying to make a decision, just go out and see how it goes. Life will make its own decision.

He met with Kendall at the lobby as any other day. Both were packed and ready to leave. "Next stop. Last stop." Kendall welcomed him with a broad smile on his face.

"For now maybe. But how do I know if you already haven't set up something new?" James grinned signing papers for the checkout.

"That's right. I'm sorry for giving you job." With sarcasm seasoning his voice, Kendall said. He could see that James didn't have the best morning so far. He tried to hide his upset mood behind a smile, but Kendall knew better than that. It wasn't his face selling him, it was his way of walking, the way he had to force himself to make a single step. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." James murmured not even bothering to look at his friend.

It wasn't till a pretty blonde woman joined them that James' attention was drawn back at Kendall. He eyed the girl flirting with him, putting her hands all over him, and then pressing a chaste kiss onto his lips.

James didn't know if he was angry or annoyed, or jealous, but he guessed he was all of those and many more, too. Fuck no! He fought the emotions breaking out. I can't be jealous. At her! No. With a disgusted expression on his face he chose to turn around and fill the rest of the papers out.

"Damn." He heard Kendall groaning, and figured that the little bitch was leaving.

Finally being brave enough to face him again, James watched Kendall. "Had a good night, huh?"

"I wouldn't say." Kendall sighed waving good bye to the staff of the hotel and making his way out.

Following him James had to wonder what Kendall meant. "So it was either much better than good, or much worse. Which one?" Why am I even asking? Fuck.

Till they got into the car that was going to drive them to the airport, Kendall didn't answer. "It was nothing. Really nothing."

"Okay. I got it. You don't want to tell me." Plugging his earphones into place, James said.

Of course Kendall didn't want to tell. The night was a failure, a huge failure that he wouldn't ever want to talk about, mainly not with James, who was the major reason of the catastrophe.

"All right." Kendall stepped up to James who just got done with the last photo shooting. "It's all done then. We can head home right away." Holding his gaze tight on the papers in his hands, Kendall started listing the options. "Or we may stay at a hotel for the night. Which one you prefer?"

Grabbing his forearm, James pulled Kendall aside. "Kendall. I want to apologize for my behavior this morning. It's been going round in my head all day and I'm sorry, okay? I was a real asshole. I understand if you don't want to tell me everything about any thing. I didn't want to be the asshole I was. I don't know what came to me. I had a bad morning ... and I guess I was kinda jealous .. I really have no idea."

"It's okay. I know you're under a lot of pressure. I didn't take it on heart."

"You didn't speak to me all day. Not a word. Kendall, don't tell me you weren't offended." James pointed out.

Kendall shrugged. "I don't tell you that then." A little grin appeared on his face. "Are we good then?"

"We will always be good. You are a great man, Kendall. Thanks for sticking around even though you shouldn't have." Patting his shoulder, James said to Kendall.

"Okay. Okay." Kendall whispered and then slowly started for going away. Till then James hadn't realized that Logan was right. As ever. Kendall had a hard time believing that he was a real good friend for James, and meant a lot to him. He had noticed some signs before, but James would always think he was wrong about it. After all Kendall was a successful young man, with incredible looks and talent, and it was hard to believe that he wouldn't give himself enough credit to dare assume that he was a good person.

Thinking of a reason to run after him, James went through the previous conversation with Kendall. "Wait, Kendall." Catching up with him he stopped the blonde. "We didn't decide about today."

"Oh yeah. So what you wanna do?"

James smiled. "Stay. This place is nice. We may go out and get dinner. I'm starving."

"Of course you are." Kendall's little grin appearing on his face again, made James smile. "Well, then. I'll let the hotel know that our reservations still."

"Do that. Meet me in ten at the car?"

"Oh-okay." Quaking the word Kendall pulled away to a safe distance and then walked off.

Not sure whether to do this or not. Walking up and down in his changing room, James suddenly got very scared. It's just a dinner. Nothing particular. Like the other nights. And mornings. And lunches. Oh gosh. Realizing how many date-kind-of-meal he had had with Kendall, didn't make him feel better.

James, for the love of God. Stop!

It was Logan's voice, but James couldn't see him.

"Logan?"

Answer never came.

Somehow James managed to finish with the freaking out, and made it to Kendall.

He was waiting for him at the car as they had agreed. Opening the door for James, he spoke, "Hey, you are late. Are you okay? Aren't you tired?"

"Okay, yeah. Tired, yeah." Rushing in to take a seat before he would faint, James answered.

Kendall gave orders to their constant driver and then turned to James. "I don't really understand what's going on with you today."

"Actually, I don't understand it either. It's just ... I have ... uh .. " Taking a breath, James tried to figure out how to tell Kendall that he had a talk with Logan. "I have been thinking a lot lately ... about stuff, you know?" An uncertain nod was Kendall's reply. "And here we are ... you and me ... and I was thinking if it's something that Logan would approve."

"I have lost you." Kendall laughed. "What is it that Logan may approve?"

"Well, you and me ... being a thing." James coughed.

"You want to ... ?" He was unable to finish the sentence, but knew that James understood him.

"I don't know. I like you. And ... we spend so much time together ... and I keep wondering what will happen to Logan .. and I know if it wasn't for Logan, I would have made a move on you thousand years ago."

"Holy shit."

"You never believed I liked you?"

"Nope. You always look so professional about everything and everyone. Sometimes it seems like I'm a friend or something ... but this ... oh."

"Well, yeah." James ran his fingers through his hair making it all messy after it was so perfectly styled for the whole day. But when Kendall looked at him he could have sworn that with this appearance, James looked even hotter than usual. "So, do you think we can try something?"

"Anytime. If you're ready. I didn't want to ... because of Lo-..."

"I know. And that's nice. Thanks. But this is what he would want."

That was something to ask about. "You are not doing this because HE would want this, right?"

"I don't know." James shrugged.

Only if Kendall wouldn't know so well what that meant. "I only want to try this if it's YOU wanting this. If you want it because of yourself and not because of Logan."

The rest of the drive was quiet. None of the two knew how to approach each other once things seemed to be ruined.

Yes, James liked Kendall, way too much. But he was afraid of admitting it, for two reasons. One was Logan, and the other one was Kendall himself. James simply didn't want to lead on Kendall, because he didn't know where everything was going.

And yes, Kendall was so into James, but he wouldn't take advantage of his uncertain situation, so he would rather back off than later regret because he ruined their friendship.

When the car pulled up in front of the restaurant, James' phone rang. Kendall eyed him as he answered, then nodded and said "yes, okay and thank you." and then quickly hung up, and then his face froze.

"What is it?"

"The hospital." Turning to Kendall again, James said. "Logan ... they called because of Logan."