*warning: allusion to suicide*

*i'm really glad you guys liked the last chapter. i didn't think anyone would enjoy reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it so that was a lovely surprise*

Chapter Ten

Stop This Train…

Part I

There was only so long I could stand out on the grass before feeling like a creep. I mean, Karma wasn't coming back. She needed time.

I guess I should've taken it as a sign that I was already healing just a little when I didn't plop my butt down to cry right there on the ground.

Healing… I keep thinking that's what I'm trying to do. Every minute feels like I'm breaking more and more though. You can never heal until you're done with the breaking. You can't glue a broken mirror back together while it continues to crack. It's a fruitless effort. I'm starting to feel like I'm living in one of those weird sad silent french films. It's like I'm doomed to stroll in that sad black and white world now where most things are colorless and heavy and hard.

All those things they say about love, they're all true. I just wish I could get to the good part...

Defeated, I walked into my house carrying my pathetic little bag of not-so-fun goodies from the doctor.

"You're back!" Lauren's voice met me sweetly. I hadn't been expecting it so it took me a while to react.

"Oh yeah, I'm back," I said, turning toward the kitchen where she was. She was wearing a cute sundress and an apron and there was something delicious cooking in a large pot. "What's all this?" I asked.

"I went to the farmer's market while you were gone. That freaky commune had the most beautiful potatoes and carrots. I just HAD to buy them."

"I hear ya," I lied, feigning interest.

"I thought I'd make you Ina Garten's delicious beef stew."

"Me?"

"Yeah, you." Lauren smiled.

"Lauren, that's really sweet," I smiled despite it all.

"A feast for your de-virgining," Lauren blushed teasingly.

"You're weird," I laughed, hanging over the counter and watching as she threw some sort of spice into the pot.

"I know. I just wanted to do something. Pablo's off and I've been lonely. And then all this stuff with you. It just couldn't be fun, ya know?"

"Yeah… I know.." I had forgotten about Pablo. Pablo really was her closest friend. "How come your friends never come over?" I asked.

"What friends?" She scoffed. Okay, I didn't expect those other people she hung around to be less than friend status but I guess they were.

"You know, those girls."

"Oh God, those aren't my friends."

"Okay…"

"Other than Pablo, all my friends are in my old town missing me and having normal lives without me just hundreds of miles away."

"I'm sorry…" I said.

"That's life I guess."

"It still sucks…" I noted.

"How was it?" She asked nervously. I don't think she liked it when I tried to get her to talk about herself. I wish she would talk though. I wish I could know her more. Make her feel better. Do something for her since she had been so kind to me, so very irreplacable. "How did it go?" She asked.

"It was… awkward." I said.

"Did she go in with you?"

"She didn't want to… I made her."

"Oh," Lauren smiled looking down. For some reason, every girl in this town but me had already gone to the gynecologist, had already had sex, and had already been put on birth control.

"I didn't know they were going to like… put something in me." I said.

"Are you fucking serious?!" She said, almost choking on the broth she had taken into her mouth.

"Yeah…" I scoffed awkwardly.

"You really are such an innocent thing Amy Raudenfeld." She smiled. "Here taste this," she held the large spoon out and I took some of it in. It was delicious already. SO GOOD!

"Stop," I whined, wiping my mouth and staring at her to warn her that she had been patronizing. Lauren was looking at me in that way again, that way that made me see how pitiful I came off to anyone who actually knew me.

"What'd the doctor say?" She asked, calming a little. She was too amused by me though, I didn't know how to take that. If you had asked me two months ago if Lauren and I would ever be having a normal conversation like this in our kitchen together I would've laughed in your face. But it was happening. We were this. We were friends. I still couldn't quite wrap my head around it. Why had she changed so much? What had happened? And why did I feel comfortable telling her my secrets, I mean knowing what she was capable of?

I couldn't help but go back in time though and remember. Lauren tried twice to keep my gayness a secret from my mom. She pretended to want something from me but now that just seemed like a pretense, a reason to be nice.

All of a sudden I wanted to cry. I was playing with my fingers and looking down. But I wanted to cry now, I really did.

Instead I just rambled on about my doctor's appointment and tried to breathe normally.

"She said I had mild tearing and that bleeding was normal.. She also recommended I play with myself but I'll save that information from all future conversations." Lauren laughed. I knew she'd get a kick out of it. It was just like me to crack a joke when I was feeling like dying inside. My stomach hurt.

"I'm glad you're okay," Lauren said, staring. There was concern there. So much concern.

"Thanks," I stared back. I wouldn't have gone if she hadn't made me. I wouldn't feel as stable as I was feeling now if it weren't for her. We both realized we were staring and looked away.

"Where'd Karma go?" She asked, breaking eye contact and distracting herself with the things on her cutting board.

"I… She went home."

"I think that's good." Lauren said.

"I don't think we're okay…" I confessed, holding my head.

"You just need time. You'll be fine again some day."

"I hope you're right," I said.. I couldn't help feeling that it was just a fantasy though. "I'm gonna go change. I feel pretty gross."

"Go," Lauren said, shooing me away. The food network was playing on the tv in the background. She seemed happy despite it all. Despite her date and my crap and the weird days since the wedding. I was glad for her again. Glad that she was around to talk to and make me laugh and feel stupid. I needed that. I only wished I could help her too.

Part II

I had left my phone on my bed. As soon as I got to my room I stared at it again. Karma wouldn't have texted but I still hoped. I picked it up and checked. Karma hadn't texted but my mom had and so had Shane. And Liam had called, which was strange.

I responded to my mom. She just wanted to know if everything was okay. I lied and said it was. I also said that Lauren was making me food. I knew my mom would like to hear that we were hanging out now instead of avoiding one another.

Shane left me a very vague tweet. He just wanted to know if I was okay. Liam must've told him. I texted and told Shane that I really wasn't okay but I was trying to be. He didn't text back. He must've been busy.

Then there was the business of that missed call from Liam. I stared at the little notification for at least two minutes before caving and pressing to listen. It was strange hearing his voice in my ear.

"Amy? Hi… I just… I wanted to see if you were okay. I know we were both drunk and everything but that really meant something to me. It wasn't just…" He stopped himself and I could hear him inhale heavily through the static. "I think I just felt like we were both so hurt by Karma. Both of us…" He paused for a while. "Look, I don't know why I called. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. If you need anything, even just someone to talk to. I'm here." He paused again. "Bye Amy…" he said awkwardly.

I couldn't believe how sweet that was. I just couldn't. WHY WAS EVERYONE IN MY LIFE MAKING ME WANT TO CRY?!

My phone rang in my hand. It was him. I thought about not answering it but him calling now would save me all the trouble of ignoring him and dwelling on that message.

I cleared my throat and picked it up.

"Amy?" He sounded sweet.

"Hi," I breathed awkwardly.

"I'm glad you answered. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. I went to the doctor today with Karma."

"With Karma?"

"Yeah, she knows. I told her."

"Oh…" He said.

"Have you talked to her at all?" I asked. I hadn't thought about it at all, how he must be feeling. What he must be thinking. I guess I had thought, if he's the kind of person who could just sleep with her best friend who gives a fuck right? But that was cruel, it was. People have feelings. All people have feelings. I slept with him too.

"Honestly, I haven't even tried." He confessed. I wondered why.

"But you called me?" I scoffed. It was surprising.

"I didn't… We were drunk," he said. "I wasn't sure if I overstepped my bounds or-"

"It's fine Liam. I'm okay."

"Why did you go to the doctor?" He asked.

"You were my first."

"Oh God..." He said. "I'm so sorry. I was a mess. I should never have-"

"Don't be sorry." I said. "You were fine."

"Did I- Are you okay?" He asked nervously.

"I'm fine, I just wasn't on birth control so I got tested."

There was a long pause.

"I'm not pregnant," I added. The doctor had told me that it usually takes longer to know for sure but the original test came back negative so I'd be negative until I got paranoid and dug out that kit they gave me for one week out. The thought of peeing all over my hand again was definitely not a fun one.

"Oh, that's good," he said awkwardly. He was probably trying to be optimistic. "We used protection."

"Oh thank God," I said. I heard him laugh on the other side of the phone.

"Do you want to go out for coffee or something? Talk about it?"

"Umm, no, that's really okay. I, I know this is fucked up but I don't think I'll ever want to do that again." I confessed.

"We don't have to," he said. "I just meant. We can friends."

Could we though? Could we really be friends?

"Maybe," I said nervously. Me and him could never be friends before. Should I want to be his friend? "Things have been crazy with the wedding and all that happened with Karma.. I think I need to just stay home and be with my family."

"Okay, I get that," he said.

"I… Look, I'm not sure if I was just drunk or if I was using you to hurt her…" As soon as I said it I wanted to take it back. Karma had used him. I couldn't tell him I had used him too. "I mean, I think I was just drunk and hurting and you were drunk and hurting and we just sort of did what we did. I wasn't thinking, Liam…" I stopped for a second to hold my head and think about how to say it. "I reeeeally love Karma. Like, I am in love with her. Okay?"

"Yeah, yeah," he said sheepishly, his voice sounding light.

"You were drunk too right?" I asked, wanting for him to say yes that it was only the booze and nothing else. But of course there had been feelings. We were both smashed and broken and we both crashed into one another instead of crashing into anyone else. "You weren't trying to like start a relationship with me were you?" There was a long pause. The pause was too long.

"She used us both, Amy. I think that I just thought-"

"She didn't use me Liam. I knew what we were doing."

"And you had no problem lying to me?"

"I didn't know you then. And you were this guy whose sole purpose of hooking up with Karma was that she had a girlfriend and she was a lesbian. This might sound fucked up but why should I have felt bad for you then? That was the truth right?"

"It was…" He said. I could hear him sigh through the phone. I couldn't imagine what he was thinking or how he was trying to rationalize it all. He had been hurt but most of it had been his own damn fault and I could tell that he knew that from the sound of his voice right now in the phone.

"I mean, I don't blame you or anything. Karma didn't know I was falling for her. When you guys were hooking up she didn't know."

"But I did."

"Sort of," I said.

"God Amy, I am such an asshole."

"Liam, don't even, seriously." We were all assholes. "Don't even bother. It's all over. It's done. I think we all feel like assholes right now."

That elicited a sweet laugh.

"I'm still sorry," he said.

"Apology accepted," I knew it was the only way to stop the talking. "And I'm sorry too, for what it's worth." We were probably the only two people on earth who knew what it felt like to be hopelessly in love with Karma Ashcroft.

"You should call Shane," he said. "When I told him about what we did, he freaked out on me."

"Oh…" I said. What would Shane say?

"Yeah, he's like REEEEALLY mad at me right now."

"Shit… We didn't even think," I said, lumping us together.

"I guess we didn't," he laughed lightly. At least I had cheered him up.

"Uh, I better go. Lauren's making me food and you're right, I should call Shane." The truth of the matter was, the more I talked to Liam the more bad I felt for him despite wanting to forget about him altogether. I didn't want to be friends. Not with him.

Part III

I took a shower and got dressed in pj's. Karma still hadn't texted or called. I hoped she'd fallen asleep at home. I'd hoped she'd fallen fast asleep and dreamed of only good things. It almost made me angry that so many stupid things had been invented by now but not something that could make you sleep and forget your problems.

"Hey you," Lauren said, popping around my doorframe.

"Hey," I smiled softly. When I looked at her I could forget things for a second.

"Dinner's ready if you want."

"What kind of girl would I be if I didn't partake in my own de-virgining feast?" I smiled.

"Good, come on," she said, walking toward me and taking my hand. She dragged me playfully down the hall and into the dining room. The lights were dimmed and she had candles lit. There was soft music playing on my mom's expensive stereo system and I couldn't help but notice that a certain mood was set, a calming mood.

The spread was elaborate and she had even used my mom's dark red table cloth and nice wedding china to set the scene.

"Whoa, Lauren," I said.

"A distraction is in order," she said, whispering high up into my ear from behind me. "For the both of us, now, sit."

She had taken the leaf out of the table and even found a bottle of champagne left over from the wedding. I watched her pop it open and pour it.

"You went all out," I smiled queerly.

"If I can't find a nice guy to treat me right, I'll just treat you right instead."

"Lauren," I blushed.

"You're blushing," she said, not looking at me. She blushed a little too.

"Is it weird that the idea of you having a hard time finding a good guy makes me feel like a total lost cause?"

"You're gorgeous and you're gay. Your problems will never be mine."

"And yet, you've done a good job at trying to make them yours," I said, almost inquiring about it and why why why it had been happening.

She looked down at me and handed me the fluted glass full of champagne.

"Let's toast," she said.

"Oh God, please, no more toasts." I begged.

"No, this'll be good, I promise." She said, taking my free hand and raising her glass.

"To Amy," she started. "I'm sorry for being a massive bitch up until the wedding."

"Lauren, no, don't," I had been shit too, it was fine and done and over and just okay.

"No, I mean it," she said. Something in her eyes told me that she wouldn't let herself just brush it off. "I was jealous of you."

"Shut up, you weren't." I said.

"I was!" She squeezed at my hand. "You got to stay in your house at your school and have your best friend. You had a mom I wanted. You had everything, even your beautiful fucking hair."

"Whoa.." I said. "You think my hair's beautiful?"

"PEOPLE KILL FOR YOUR HAIR!" She yelled.

I laughed.

"Okay," I said, confused. I didn't know what to do with this.

"I was jealous and I wanted to hate you but the more I tried the more I cared."

"Lauren," I didn't need more reasons to cry tonight.

"I'm just saying. I like you, okay? You don't deserve all the things that are happening to you. You don't deserve to be put on the back-burner for someone like Liam Booker." There was bitterness and skepticism in her voice and I adored her for it.

"I don't even think it's about him," I tried to defend.

"You know what I mean," she said, pursing her lips like she might just cry if she kept talking. "I'm sorry. You deserve better." She ended, raising her glass.

"Okay," I said.

"Okay," she agreed. We clinked glasses and I watched as she raised her glass to her lips. She drank almost the full glass but I sipped slow wanting to never ever repeat what I had done the night before. That odd conversation with Liam was still burning in the back of my mind. I wanted to tell Lauren about it but then there was us and this and now.

The rest of dinner was cute. She had an MP3 going and it had some really beautiful songs on it, songs I had never heard. I never realized how into music she was. She was a lot like Karma and her voice was actually beautiful, I couldn't believe I had never heard her sing before. She sang and I was blown away.

"Why do you hide yourself," I asked. It had been such a great time. For an hour almost, I had banished all thoughts of Karma and Liam and the last year of fuckery. Lauren had told me about her old best friend and her boyfriend and her old school and how crazy everything there was. Apparently she had been bullied there. It explained so much when she talked. I couldn't imagine Lauren being bullied.

"I just…" She started. "It's not easy." I could tell it wasn't. I wasn't sure why she was finally talking to me but I was glad for it.

"You're saying that to the girl who can't keep her mouth shut to save her life," she laughed.

"After everything. After my mom. I felt responsible. I felt hurt." She looked down at the napkin on her lap and I wished I was closer to her. "Then stuff at school. I lost my virginity and that wasn't on purpose." I noticed she wiped a tear from her eye. "It was like everything all went wrong at once and then I was in the hospital."

"In the hospital?"

"Yeah…" She confessed, avoiding my eyes and drinking her third glass of champagne.

"Wh… Why were you in the hospital?" I hesitated because I wasn't sure if I should ask. Also, I hesitated because I was scared of the answer. I had seen the way Lauren and Bruce tip-toed around some things in Lauren's past. Just as I had seen the way Bruce would bend over backwards for her at the drop of a hat.

"I sort of… I tried to." There was panic in her eyes; an unfathomable sadness. She stopped herself and stood up. "Hey, it's getting real late," she said, changing the subject and looking down at her wrist watch. I could see that she was shaking. "What do you say we clean up and go to bed?" She asked in a high pitched choked sort of voice.

It wasn't late at all. It was only 8. But she looked sad. She looked too sad.

"Lauren, I-"

"Come on, help me out," she said shakily, picking up the dirty plates and rushing to clink them together. I saw how she struggled to hold them in her state. I got up fast and walked towards her, seeing that everything was wrong.

"Lauren," I said. I was close enough to pull her in. As soon as I touched her arm she fell into me and started to cry hard. "Fuck," I said. "I'm so sorry." She cried into my shoulder and I stood there holding her. She felt small in my arms. Too small.

Her words played back in my head. All I could hear was that one unfinished sentence. I tried to…

I think I knew…