Say You Love Me
I'm back from my vacation! Enjoy chapter 10! I don't own Miraculous Ladybug.
-Marinette-
My portfolio has been sent to London. Which means that I have nothing to do tonight but lie in my bed and think about Adrien, my Chat Noir. At least when I had things to distract myself with I wouldn't be thinking about him. But now all of that is over. At least until I get another letter from Central Saint Martins, telling me whether or not they want me to travel to London with a full portfolio. Then I'll have a clusterfuck of new projects to work on. I sit on my bed, my phone in my lap. I texted Alya hours ago, hoping that my best friend would help me get all of my problems off my mind. She hasn't texted me back. I sink into my comforter, my sheets are warm and fresh out of the dryer, they smell like lavender. The scent is comforting, I'll have to remember what detergent Mama uses so that I can buy it when I move to London. I say that like I've already been accepted. That's when my phone beeps, letting me know that my battery is slowly depleting. Where did I put my changer? I climb down from my bed, searching inside of my desk drawers for the cord. I find it in the drawer underneath the one where I keep my sewing supplies, it's tangled in about five other cords, great. As I start to untangle the large knot created by the wires, my eyes travel along my walls, which are covered in photos of Adrien. He left me alone at school again today, and he didn't come to the bakery this afternoon. Now the only Adrien that I have are the pictures of him hanging on my bedroom wall. Why am I torturing myself like this? I can't keep sitting around and waiting for a boy who will never care about me in the same way that I care about him. I've been waiting nearly four years for him to do as little as look my way, I'm not waiting another four years for him to realize I'm the one. So I take one photo down from my wall, and then another, and another. And then my collage is gone, my pink walls are bare. I stare down at his face in my hands, the face of Adrien Agreste, the true identity of Chat Noir. I shut my eyes tightly and force myself to tear the photos in half, tossing the ripped up pieces into the trash.
"Marinette?" Tikki's high pitched voice calls.
"Yeah?" I reply, the red kwami floats in front of my face.
"Want to talk about what you just did?" She asks, taking a seat on my desk.
"What about it?" I ask, she gives me a look. "I'm going to be an adult soon. I think it's time that I grew up, moved away from ridiculous teenage obsessions."
Tikki continues to give me a look of disbelief as I change my desktop background from a photo collage of Adrien to a photograph of me and Alya. I can feel Tikki's black eyes glaring at me as I do so. When I finally look down at her she doesn't look sad or angry, just disappointed.
"What?" I question. She's been telling me to either talk to Adrien or move on for four years. But now that I know, now that I'm trying to move on, she suddenly doesn't want me to? "If I go to England there's a chance that I'll never see him again, I'm sparing both of us the heartache."
"Is that what you want?" Tikki sounds genuinely concerned, she always does. I've never seen her frown this much before. "Do you really want to be done with him Marinette? He's Chat Noir. He has had a crush on you for four years. And you won't even let him talk."
I'd be lying if I said that Tikki's words didn't sting. But the thought of Adrien loving someone who was a perfect lie hurt even more. I was going to have to say goodbye to him eventually, and the sooner I did it the less pain that I would feel. I would forget about Adrien and Chat Noir, I'll forget about his stupid beautiful smile, and his cheerful laughter. I'll forgot about how good it felt to kiss him. How good his lips tasted. How wanted I felt in his arms. No. No, Marinette. Moving on.
"He doesn't love Marinette," I remind myself, the sting of my own words stabs me right in the chest. "He loves Ladybug."
"You won't even let him talk." Tikki retorts, floating up closer to my face.
She had a point. This was a boy that I had grown with, one that had grown on me. He was the only person besides Tikki who I could talk to about my double life. He was the only person who understood how hard it was juggling school work and fighting the forces of evil. Why hadn't I just let him talk to me? Why was I so overwhelmed by emotions whenever I saw his face? I put up walls around my heart to avoid the pain of what might happen if he got too close. But now those walls had been destroyed, they were nothing but rubble now.
"I know that you don't really want to forget him," Tikki told me. "I know that you're hurt. And who could blame you? You didn't even think that you knew this boy in real life, finding out that he's your classmate was a shock to you."
She's right. I cover my face with my hands and shut my eyes tightly. Why does she always have to be right? I don't want to say goodbye to him. I care about him too much. He has always been so protective and loving towards me, and I've done nothing to show him that I care in return. Maybe I should go back to his room, have a real conversation with him, work something out.
"Talk to him Marinette." Tikki pats my head comfortingly, giving me a supportive smile.
I stand up from my desk chair and graze my fingertips over my earrings.
"Tikki-" I'm about to transform, when a tapping on my window stops me.
Tap tap. There it is again. My gaze travels towards the glass, where a shadowy figure looms like a ghost in the night. His bright green eyes are the first things that I notice. They glow in the dark, haunting me with their unmistakable beauty. The second thing I notice are his lips. They aren't quite curled into a smile, he has a hopeful, pleading look on his face. His smile only forms when I open the window. A cold rush of midnight air envelopes my entire body, sending a shiver down my spine. He's standing in front of me now, clad in that black leather catsuit, looking at me with a hopeful smile on his face.
"Hey." He greets me.
I open my mouth, and suddenly have no clue what I'm supposed to say to him. Do I apologize? Do I stay quiet and let him talk? How am I supposed to have this conversation?
"Hi." Is all I manage to get out.
There's another long silence between us. My hands swing awkwardly at my sides, but they want to hug him, to apologize. I look down at my feet, I'm scared of what might happen if I look at him for too long. I might never speak if I keep looking into his eyes. And right now, I need to apologize.
"You didn't do anything wrong, just so you know." I tell him, my gaze still unable to meet his. "I don't want you to blame yourself for my inability to… I just…"
I'm tongue tied again, my breath hitches, I'm choking on the growing lump in my throat. I can't speak anymore, I don't have a voice. I dare to look up at Adrien, who has this look of concern on his face. In a flash of black light he detransforms, and he really is Adrien. Leather bodysuit turns into a tee shirt and jeans, mask disappears and there is nothing but him. I feel myself beginning to sweat, my vision becomes hazy, and I suddenly feel so dizzy. I take a seat on my chaise, forcing myself to breathe. I feel Adrien's hand on my back, moving in slow circles on my spine. His touch is electrifying, and I need more. Stupid teenage hormones.
"You didn't do anything wrong." I repeat, I'm barely able to get the words out. "It's all me, I'm the one who isn't good enough."
I'm breathing heavily again, tears prick in my eyes and I do everything in my power to fight them back. I don't want him to see me crying, I don't want him to think that he's done something wrong. He's done nothing wrong. He could never do anything wrong. I want him to know that everything was me, my insecurities. I'm going to fuck everything up because of my own damn insecurities. We've gone silent again. The only things that I hear are my heavy breathing the the pounding of my heartbeat in my ears. I feel Adrien's hand on my shoulder, it's a comforting gesture, one that he uses often, and in that moment it means so much.
"All those things she is," Adrien breaks the silence between us. "Brave, strong, confident. That is you. It's always been you."
He's sitting next to me on the chaise now. He isn't touching me, but his body is dangerously close to mine. I can hear him breathing, in through his gauze-covered nose and out through his perfect mouth, he's trying to stay calm too. I don't have the courage to look him in the eyes just yet, he's twiddling his thumbs in his lap and his eyes are fixed on his shoes. I take in his words. I'm brave, confident, strong, but not in the way he wants me to be.
"You love Ladybug." I manage to whisper, I wonder if he even heard me. "You don't love the real me."
"That's not true," He tells me. I search for doubt in his voice, some kind of indication that he's lying. I don't find it. "I've always thought that you were adorable, and you're so kind to everybody. You touch everyone you meet, you make other people happy in a way no one else can. You make me happy."
I open my mouth to protest, but no words come out. I hide my face in my hands, mostly to hide the blush growing on my face. How many times had I longed to hear those words? I've spent nights dreaming about Adrien telling me what I meant to him. And now that it's happening I have to force myself to keep my head down, because I know that the second I do I might start to cry. And I don't want to cry in front of him. Through the slits of my fingers I see him stuff his hand into his jacket pocket, rifling around for something. I don't look to see what he takes out. Intrigued, I remove my hands from my face, but I still can't force myself to look up. I try my hardest to breathe again, but it proves to be difficult when Adrien slowly moves closer to me. His hand is curled into a fist now, he's holding something out for me to see.
"I just realized that I never gave this back to you." He tells me, I can practically hear the hope in his words.
He uncurls his fingers to show me what is lying in his palm. My eyes widen in surprise. A bracelet, made out of beads, attached to a flimsy pink string. It's my bracelet. I made this when I was a kid out of beads and string. I gave it to him so that he could have some extra luck during the video game tournament back when we were fifteen. And he kept it.
"Did you keep this in your pocket?" I can't help but smirk as I take the bracelet from him.
"Every day." He admits.
I finally work up the courage to steal a glance at him again. He's looking down at the floor again, his leg is shaking slightly, he has a bashful smile spread across his face. Everything from his cheeks to the back of his ears are burning red. He looks at me, still smirking like Chat Noir always does, and my heart rate immediately doubles. Now it's my turn to blush.
"It's given me great luck," He tells me. There's something about the way he speaks, something so passionate and captivating. "I found out that the two girls that I care about the most are the same person."
I can no longer fight the stupid smile that spreads across my face. He kept my bracelet. Adrien Agreste kept a stupid first grade art project in his pocket for years. And now he claims that it brought him real luck, it brought him me. My cheeks suddenly hurt from the wide grin growing on my face, I can barely bring myself to breathe. How do you speak again? I've forgotten.
"You're my lucky charm," He continues, his hand twitches nervously, as if he's unsure whether or not he should touch me. "You've always put others before yourself, and I really admire that. You're purrfect."
I roll my eyes playfully at his dumb pun, and I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling. My fingers tap nervously on my knee, and I'm suddenly aware of how empty my hands are, but I'm too scared to reach out. I squeeze the lucky bracelet for support as I reach out to take his hand. His skin is warm and soft on mine, I feel a tingling sensation float up from the tips of my fingers and shoot up my arm, making my heart pound in my chest. I place the bracelet in his palm and close his fingers around the silly little lucky charm.
"I want you to keep it." I finally manage to find my voice, and it takes everything in me not to stammer.
"It's kind of small for my wrist." He jokes, letting out a small chuckle. God, he sounds so cute.
Everything is silent between us for another moment. And I know that this is the make or break moment of the night. He's looking at me with that stupid grin on his face, his green eyes filled with intense longing. I know that look, he's given me that look countless times as Chat Noir. Those eyes, that smirk, letting me know how much I'm wanted, how much I'm loved. We're so close, my eyes flicker from his eyes to his lips for a moment. The memory of kissing him as Chat Noir replays in my mind. His scent drawing me in, his soft lips, how incredibly addictive his taste was. I can feel his breath on my face, my heart does a flip in my chest as we lean in closer to one another, our faces a mere inch apart.
"Marinette?" The voice causes the both of us to jump up from the chaise.
I let out a breath that I hadn't realized that I was holding. I look at Adrien, his entire face is deep scarlet and his eyes are wide with surprise. I force myself to relax, it was just my mother.
"Wait here." I whisper to Adrien as I open the hatch that leads downstairs.
I slowly descend the steps, my slippers don't make a lot of noise on the floor, but the wood still creaks beneath my feet. My mother is standing at the bottom of the staircase, clad in her nightgown, her reading glasses sit on top of her head. She's smiling, she always smiles, she's got a beautiful smile. Papa always tells me that she gave me that smile. She wraps me in a hug, placing a gentle kiss on my forehead.
"I expect you to actually get some rest tonight." She tells me semi-sternly, but her smile never leaves her face. "You submitted your portfolio, you have no excuses."
Oh Mama, you have no idea.
"You've got such dark circles under your eyes," She continues, gently placing her thumb just underneath my left eye. "You aren't sneaking off to a heavy metal concert, are you?"
We both snicker.
"No, Mama." I tell her with a smile.
She presses one last kiss to my forehead.
"Goodnight, sweetheart." She whispers.
"Goodnight." I reply with a smile.
I try not to look too eager as I retreat back up the steps to my room. The hatch creaks loudly as I push it up to enter my bedroom. I see Adrien standing at my desk, looking at what I've left out on the table. I creep up behind him, only to see that he's observing my designs. A small smile crosses my face.
"Like them?" I ask nervously.
He picks up one of the designs, a rough sketch of an extravagant outfit, one that I purposely made more outlandish than the other designs that I had drawn. I sent a copy of this one to London with the rest of my portfolio.
"This one's my favourite." He decides. "The shape and colour are unique, but they compliment each other really well, this is very avantgarde."
I stifle a small laugh, he's cute when he talks about fashion. I'm flattered honestly, the son of one of Paris's top fashion designers likes something that I designed. That means something, right? If an Agreste likes what I design then the admissions panel at Central Saint Martins will like them too.
"That's one of the designs I used for my portfolio." I tell him.
He looks at me, a proud smile spread across his face.
"Any school would be an idiot not to accept you." He tells me, placing the design back on my desk. "Where did you apply?"
"Everywhere," I tell him. "But I really want to get into Central Saint Martins."
He noticeably stiffens at my response, yet he manages to keep his smile up. I eye him curiously, wondering why he reacted the way he did at hearing the school I wanted. His smile is a facade, I can tell.
"Is everything okay?" I ask.
Adrien continues to smile.
"Wonderful." He's lying. I know that he is. "You know, my father couldn't even get in there."
I know him better than he thinks I do. Something is wrong, something that he isn't telling me.
"I should go," He takes my hand and places a gentle kiss on the back of my hand. "I'll see you at school tomorrow."
I want to ask him. I want to know what's wrong, what's bothering him. I go over the conversation in my mind, but I don't see what I could have said to get this reaction from him. Although I'm worried, I return his smile. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me into a tight hug. It feels good, but it doesn't feel the way it should feel.
"Alright," I tell him, trying to keep up my own smile. "See you at school."
-Adrien-
I should be happy right now. Marinette is Ladybug and she has feelings for me as Adrien and as Chat Noir. We love both sides of each other. I should be awake late at night thinking about all of the things we'll do together. I should be rehearsing how I will ask her out, so that I won't be nervous when I do it in real life. I should be imagining all of the dates that I'll take her on, where we'll go, what we'll do. I should be giddy with the anticipation of seeing her at school tomorrow. Counting down the minutes until I can see her smile again. I shouldn't be awake, pacing anxiously around my bedroom, because I'm terrified.
"Central Saint Martins?" I whisper to myself as I walk in an endless circle, going absolutely nowhere. "She wants to go to some snobbish fashion school in England?"
Plagg is sitting on my couch buried in a mountain of half-empty containers of stinky camembert cheese. Every once in awhile he looks up from his meal and watches me restlessly pacing around the room. He glares at me, I can't tell if he's annoyed or concerned at this point. I continue to pace until my feet hurt, until I can't take it anymore. Eventually, I collapse on my bed. My heart hurts again, I'm getting really tired of this. The aching is definitely more intense now than it has ever been before. I don't think I've felt loneliness on this level since my mom left. It's like someone has ripped into my chest and torn out my heart. I feel hopeless, like nothing will ever be alright ever again. I won't blame Marinette, she should dream big, she should apply to any school she wants. But why does it have to be so far away? This is just my stupid luck, isn't it? I finally get the girl of my dreams and she's going to leave me.
"Why me?" I whisper to myself. "Why does everyone I love always leave?"
I can practically hear Plagg rolling his eyes. The kwami floats over to my bed, hovering directly in front of my face.
"Adrien," He starts. "Think about this logically."
I sit up in the bed and eye him curiously. Logically? I thought that I was thinking about this logically. Marinette goes off to the school of her dreams, and whatever happens to me happens. I've always just let things happen.
"She's applied to this school," Plagg continues. "How good is the fashion program?"
"Excellent," I reply. "They only accept three international students every year."
"There you go," Plagg says, raising his tiny arms in the air. "You said that not even your father got into this school. What are the chances Marinette will get in?"
With her abilities, pretty freaking high. Marinette is the most talented person that I know. She can create things so incredibly unique and original that her designs should be displayed in museums alongside Van Gogh and Picasso. Everything that she created was special, a true work of art. But then again, it might not even matter how talented she is. Some rich snob might buy their way into her place. Someone with more connections could snatch up her place before she even gets a chance. As heartbreaking as the thought of her not going to her dream school was, there were still so many prestigious schools in Paris that she can go to. If I show my father her designs, then maybe he could pull some strings at his old university.
I can barely bring myself to nod my head as I lie back down on my bed, sinking into the comforter and pillows. I roll over onto my side and shut my eyes tightly, willing myself to fall asleep.
Sleep doesn't come. And I can do nothing to stop the waves of guilt, sadness, and loneliness that wash over my body.
I keep making Adrien's part so short, wth? I'll try harder, I promise.
So I just finished Harry Potter and The Cursed Child and I am disappointed. I am very, extremely disappointed. I don't know, if you've read it what do you think? Honestly, not the best book of the summer in my opinion. Personally, I think that Paper Princess by Erin Watt is the best summer read right now...
Well, I hope that you enjoyed chapter ten.
Keep on reading!