Continued thanks to my incredible beta (I'm officially changing Beta to Besta): Crist0819.
Also thanks to everyone who's left a review o rcomment. You keep me going and give me so many ideas. I've tried to respond to some comments in the last few days but have been having issues with fanfiction messaging. Please know it means the world to me to know that you are continuing to read this story of mine.
Chapter 10 - Steph'sPOV
It'd been a month since I was raped and tonight Tank was reinstating the Wednesday night poker game. The guys had put it off, trying to give me space and they were even a bit resistant to do it tonight, but I insisted. Dr. Lewis had told me that it would be good for me to try things in a less protected manner, meaning not having Tank, Hector, Lester or Bobby scare everyone who came close to me away. In the end, poker night seemed like a way to allow me to hang out with the Merry Men, have a little normal fun, and still feel completely safe.
The last month had been a whirlwind and most of it seemed hazy. At least, everything but the rape was hazy. That seemed to live with me in vivid detail most of the time. The counseling appointments were helping dramatically, but I still felt like I had so very far to go. The nightmares were still there, but they were less frequent and not as intense as before. I was able to make simple decisions more easily now thanks to some techniques Dr. Lewis taught me.
Straying too far from Tank was something I still couldn't do for long periods of time. I was still living in his house, sleeping in his bed for that matter, and going nowhere without him. He didn't seem to mind at all, but I worried that I was becoming a burden to him and preventing him from living a life outside of being my caretaker. It was occupying so much of my mental space this week that I brought it up to Dr. Lewis on Monday.
Dr. Lewis said it wasn't unusual for a victim to latch onto a hero and create an emotional bond, but she and I thought there was more to my feelings for Tank than that. I knew I needed to talk to Tank, figure out these emotions I was having for him, and learn just exactly what he was feeling towards me. There was no doubt that my feelings towards him had intensified in recent weeks but I believe that they were always hidden within me on a smaller level.
Tank's commitment to me seemed to be more than just that of a friend, caretaker, or even hero. Still, I didn't want to assume that or become some kind of fragile stone around his neck. I needed to get what was happening between us clear in my head as I recovered so that I didn't create a fantasy to escape my nightmare.
Ranger was in town and coming to play poker tonight. It was the first time I'd seen him since the Sunday after the rape. The day he and Tank let me know that Mathis was leaving town and would never return. I didn't ask for details and they didn't provide any. I was able to read between the lines and while I hated having them do something so drastic for me, I couldn't find it in me to feel bad either.
It was a brief encounter with Ranger that day. I was such a mess and unable to focus or eat the lunch Ella had made for us. While he wore his usual blank face, I knew that my attack and my distress was hard on him. Beyond the trauma of my attack, he wasn't the one who could comfort me. Tank had filled that role and while Bobby, Hector and Lester had become hugely important in my support circle, it was Tank who had become my comfort and melted all the history that Ranger and I once had.
It seemed all of the Merry Men wanted to come tonight, so many that Tank had to limit participation. Lester, Hector, and Bobby were a given and as Ranger was so rarely in town there was no way he could be excluded. Cal, Ram, and Woody were the rest who made the cut for tonight's game. It would be fun to hang out with them all and I knew in the coming weeks that the Merry Men would rotate in and out of the game. I knew most of them were cheering me on and doing their best to give me space while still desiring to be close. Their quiet support and fierce protection fed me strength.
For the past two weeks, I'd been working at RangeMan, doing searches and paperwork. It felt good to work again and to be productive. The Merry Men were patient with me and I was adjusting to being around all of them again, though I was still very jumpy and didn't like to be touched very much. I knew they had all helped in keeping me safe, but I didn't know how to thank them. Bobby reminded me again and again that those thanks weren't necessary.
Pouring some chips into a bowl, I watched as Tank set up chairs around the table. It seemed like we had fallen into a rather simple domesticity, like some old married couple not like two people thrown together out of fear and heart ache. It scared me to think of him not feeling the same way, that I might have to leave his home, but at the same time it didn't seem fair to hold him hostage to a relationship when I might never be whole, might not ever be able to be intimate.
"I smell smoke." Tank said, chuckling as my eye brows furrowed wondering what he meant. "You're thinking really hard, Steph. Everything ok? Do you still want to do this? I can cancel."
I shook my head. "Lots on my mind, but none of it is bad. I'm good for tonight. I need to do this. Besides it'll be fun."
He had moved to stand in front of me and I couldn't help but smile up at him as he pulled on one of my curls. "It will be fun. I'm so proud of you, Steph."
A ring of the doorbell made me jump. Tank squeezed my hand and kissed my forehead in an effort to calm my nerves. "It's probably Bobby with the food."
As usual, he grabbed a gun before looking out the peephole. Tank had a way about doing things that while could easily be over-the-top just seemed normal. He made no apologies for his behavior, but he didn't make a show of it either. He tucked the gun away and opened the door.
Bobby came in carrying a giant metal pot. "I made chili." He smiled and looked at me then back to Tank. "The fixings are in the back seat." Tank went out to grab the other stuff while Bobby put the chili on the range before giving me a hug. "How much money am I going to take off your hands tonight, Bomber?" He chuckled before grabbing items out of the box Tank had brought in.
I helped Bobby get the chili and fixings ready as Tank took care of each guest as they arrived. Hector and Lester were next and were the last of the people I knew I could hug without a doubt. I was going to try to hug everyone tonight, try for just a moment to let someone else who I knew wouldn't hurt me touch me.
Cal, Ram, and Woody arrived next. Tank announced it was them before opening the door, giving me a chance to ready myself for someone outside of the norm. I stood at the entrance of the kitchen as they came in and were handed beers by Lester.
The tension in the room was thick and I knew it was because everyone was unsure of what to do, how to act around me and that I needed to be the one to change the mood. I stepped up to Cal, "I'm feeling lucky tonight, so you better have your wallet." He laughed and let me step into his space. I opened my arms and relaxed as his eyes twinkled at me. He let me embrace him, his arms encircling me gently before giving me a small squeeze. It was a timid hug for both me and Cal, but still it held such promise and I found that with one out of the way giving one to Ram and Woody didn't seem quite so panic inducing.
Each of their hugs were different and tentative. I knew they were trying hard not to frighten me, to give me the contact I needed without making me feel trapped. The safety of their strong arms outweighed the fear of being touched and I was reminded again that these were my friends. There was no doubt in my mind that Hector had probably talked to them at RangeMan earlier today.
Hector always seemed to be doing things behind the scenes. He didn't think I knew, but it was obvious that the guys were afraid of Hector and that he took care of giving them advance warning of how the Bombshell was doing. I should have been irritated by the discussion of me and my needs behind my back, but I couldn't find it in me to fault them for their loving care when I was so very fragile.
Everyone was filling up their chili bowls and snacking on chips when the doorbell rang again. Assuming it was Ranger, I went with Tank to the door. I wanted to be able to greet him without the others watching too closely.
Before Ranger left for Miami several months ago, we talked at length about what it was that was between us. He affirmed over and over again that he just wasn't relationship material and that while he cared for me deeply he could never give me more that what we had, that he would never be able to emotionally connect on a more intimate level. It wasn't enough for me and while I didn't want him to leave town, it seemed like the only way for either one of us to truly move on was for there to be physical distance. Neither one of us were capable of creating and maintaining a separation of any sort without there being some miles between us. I was heartbroken for a while, but in the end I know it was for the best not just for me, but for him too.
Ranger stepped through the door way and nodded at Tank before his eyes looked me over. The last time he'd seen me I was still a bruised, battered mess. I was still anxious but the physical bruises had healed. "Babe."
I smiled and stepped into his embrace, not surprised really that with all our history that his was the easiest new hug to accept. His familiar and comforting Bulgari scent enveloped me allowing me to exhale deeply and relax into the aura that was Ranger. Even with the months apart and the recent trauma he still exuded a force-field of supportive safety of which I knew I could count on for the rest of my life. Our connection had changed but I always knew that we would be able to rely on one another as friends.
In the kitchen, the guys did their standard nods and handshakes before sitting around the table. The poker game was always a friendly affair and the stakes low. Still, it seemed like the Merry Men were lighter during these moments, more human and less superhuman. They would always be superheroes to me, but I liked seeing their compassionate sides, their humanity as well. Knowing that these amazing strong men with soft, gentle hearts were in my corner made me truly feel like Wonder Woman.
As expected the night was fun, but I was surprised that I didn't feel anxious. For the few hours that we played I felt normal and not like a traumatized woman. Ram was winning most of the hands and money when I started to feel tired. I tried to hide the yawn but should have known that nothing would get by this group.
They wrapped up the last hand and started to make their way out. As everyone left I was able to walk them to the door and give them each hugs, more naturally than before. It was such a small thing, but it signified something large to me. Because of this poker night and the patience of the Merry Men, I knew I was going to be less nervous around the rest of them at the office from now on.
Tank and Ranger were sitting at the table talking quietly after I'd said my last goodbye to Bobby. I figured I should let them talk without me and made my way to the bathroom to wash up for bed.
I still felt the need to obsessively wash and scrub though that too was getting less intense with the counseling sessions. Mathis' smell wasn't on me as much though I did catch a whiff of it now and then, but I was able to remind myself that it was merely anxiety, not a true scent these days. Dr. Lewis had given me some techniques to deal with the feelings of filthiness and I did my best to not scrub myself raw each and every time I climbed into the shower.
Walking down the stairs, I could hear Ranger and Tank still talking, but their voices had gotten harder, angrier. Looking over the banister I saw them standing and talking as if they had started to move towards the front door but got distracted. I hadn't reached the bottom step when I heard Ranger ask, "Where is she sleeping?"
"It's none of your business." Tank growled.
Ranger let out a small, deep chuckle. "With you, then. Tank, I don't want to hear that you're taking advantage of her fragile state."
Tank stepped in front of Ranger then, his fists curled up at his side. Ranger didn't move but there was a definite tension between them that I was unaccustomed to. "It's because you're my oldest friend that I'm not knocking your head off your shoulders for insulting me like that. You should know better." Tank's voice was low and gravely with a tone of anger that made me shiver a bit.
Ranger put his hands up and nodded, effectively diffusing the situation between them. "There's an apartment open on four if she wants it."
"She knows and so far she's chosen to stay here and I won't force her out. I like her here and as long as she wants to stay that's what will happen." Tank and I had talked about the apartment, but I wasn't quite ready to live on my own. I was still paying rent on my old apartment, but knew that I had to make a decision about it quickly, too. Hearing Tank say that he wanted me here with him lifted a bit of that weight from my shoulders and I knew I could talk to him about giving up that place and moving all my stuff out.
I turned the corner from the stairwell to the kitchen and smiled, knowing that they'd notice me now. They stopped talking, both of their blank faces appearing as they turned to look at me. "There's supposed to be no work discussion on poker night." I hadn't wanted to eavesdrop on their conversation and I figured this was the best way to diffuse whatever was going on between them.
"Babe." Ranger chuckled as he shook his head. "I'll see you at the office tomorrow." He stepped forward and gave me a quick hug before Tank showed him out.
I watched as Tank closed the door and set his alarm system. I was completely in awe of him and his careful movements. Tank was fierce and strong and yet so very tender with me that I often found it hard to believe that both sides could live inside the same man.
He smiled as he approached me, taking mine hand in his. "Everything okay, Steph? You seemed relaxed, like you had fun tonight."
"Everything is great. I did have fun. Thank you." I nodded and squeezed his hand before moving into the kitchen to finish cleaning up the mess. I found myself watching Tank's body and muscles move as he loaded the dishwasher, surprised to find myself thinking about him in a physical way.
Those thoughts had me so distracted that I didn't think to censor my words or buffer them for him in any way. "I want to give up my apartment. I'd like to stay here for a while still, if that's okay with you, but I don't want to keep paying rent on a place I never go to."
He turned to look at me his face shocked but wearing a huge grin. "Steph, of course it's okay. I told you, you're welcome here as long as you want. I like having you here."
Letting out a deep breath I smiled at him but then instantly felt overwhelmed at the prospect of actually moving out and gathering my few belongings. My hands started twisting around each other, an anxiety tick that I'd picked up since the rape. Tank noticed and stepped in front of me, taking my hands in his. "What's wrong?"
"I just got overwhelmed at the idea of doing it all. I'm sorry, I had a really good time tonight and I'm trying so hard to get better but I just get overwhelmed sometimes." That was the understatement of the century. I got overwhelmed it seemed like at least once a day, things that used to be so easy and commonplace just put me over some edge I hadn't known existed.
Tank ran his knuckle down my cheek and gave me a soft smile. "We'll tackle it together and I have no doubt Hector and Lester will want to help too." I leaned into his touch a bit, relaxing as I always did when he was close by. "Steph, it's normal for you to feel a bit overwhelmed still and I know you're trying hard. You're doing so well, but it's just going to take time, don't rush it."
Again a yawn escaped my mouth without my permission as I nodded at his words of encouragement. He chuckled and tugged on my hand. "Come on, let's get some sleep."
I climbed into bed wearing one of Tank's t-shirts as he changed in the bathroom. He always came to bed in a tank top and a pair of basketball shorts. His dark, strong shoulders and legs peeking out from underneath the clothes. The strength, security, and masculinity that he exuded tugged at my heart. Indeed, he made me feel safe, but everything about him just screamed comfort on every level and I found myself constantly trying to get closer to him.
Parts of me were completely buried and reserved and while I couldn't help but notice how incredibly handsome and sexy he was, I still couldn't fathom exploring that. It was those thoughts that made me feel like staying here was wrong, that I could be keeping him from finding a woman that could give him everything he deserved.
He crawled into bed next to me and as usual pulled me into his side, my head resting on his chest. "What are you thinking about Little Girl?"
"That I'm being unfair to you." I needed to have this conversation with him, but tonight didn't seem like the right time, though my brain obviously couldn't censor itself.
Tank tipped my chin up to look at him. "You're not being unfair. I want you here, like having you in this house, in this bed with me." He let out a deep breath. "Steph, I know things are a little emotionally confusing between us right now. I know you're going through a lot and I'm trying not to add to everything that's swimming around in your mind. Just now that I want you here, that I care for you deeply and we'll just figure things out as they come."
A tear escaped my eye at his words. "Thank you." Again, he knew what I was thinking and needed before I was able to voice it. "I care for you too, deeper than I can fully express or realize right now, but it's no less true."
He smiled and kissed my nose. "Get some sleep, Steph. We'll tackle tomorrow, tomorrow."
I rested my head back on his chest and took comfort in the rhythm of his beating heart in my ear. It was a small step, a brief conversation, but in having it, in listening to his words I knew that it was important. My journey was full of small steps it seemed, but they were adding up to something great and I knew that I just needed to continue to trust in those small steps.