Ashes to Cinders
Chapter Nine: Finally!
NOTE: none of my characters reflect my views and are put there to offend you- the reader… Enjoy!
'NOTHER NOTE: Ethan went pervert on us for a while….so bear with him…please.
-Ethan-
I shook out my wet limbs. Damn it! Dudette! I thought I wasn't in Shamoo's splash zone! And I wasn't really spiking the punch, it was just water... in a liquor bottle. Jesus Christ (I like the guy, honestly! He just doesn't like me…) Friggin' high maintenance divas. I glanced at the clock. Nine. So only three hours until I had to meet Mel. Sighing, I went out of one of the doors. So big... tehe...
" God damn it. Oh! I mean Alah damn it... I need a new suit or something," I grumbled.
"Ya know, I really don't appreciate you ruining this one, it is one of my best," I looked toward the direction that the voice had come from and who do I find? Three guess…first two don't count! Yup that's right- Father Chipmunk.
"Dude, seriously just gimme another suit!" he raised an eyebrow at my impatient tone and crossed his arms.
"Honestly, you gonna sex up this time?" Guys, is it just Dimples' cheeks bringing me into their orbit, or did he just say... you gonna sex up this time... His response,
"I'm tryin to be more kid friendly!"Good job Barney... Where's Baby Bop? And all the time I was thinkin...wow he really does have puffy cheeks... Haha, I wonder how he got them…marshmellows? Man I'd kill for some right about now- wait wait wait... time out...what was I doing? Oh right.
"yeah, yeah Dimples." I muttered. Sighing, he clapped his hands and then a new suit popped up.
"Seriously? That's it? Just clapping?"
"Well what did you want?"
"I don't know... a song and dance and wand maybe?"
"Hey, I ain't no two cent hooker!I got my eye on you kid." he did the creepy eye to eye thing and then pooffed off. Way to keep it g Barney... I knew he did drugs and little kids behind the scenes...Whoa. Mafia father is a messed up man with chipmunk cheeks. I laughed and went back into the ballroom. Right, so not screwing up, even though that'd be really hard to do…
I paused at the door, right so where were Nic and Adam? Torturing is a beautiful art and I am a Picasso.I saw them and when I was about to go towards them I registered something different. Adam was running around in a diaper. OOOOOOOOOOOOO! Sexy... I'm so not gay. I'm dude, pass me another joint.I pushed to the front of the crowd that had gathered.
"No way man!" I shouted to him. He looked over at me and smiled sheepishly. Nic sorta glared at me. I blew her a kiss. She made to move towards me, but diaper man caught her attention again. Then again, he was grabbing EVERYONE'S attention.
"C'mon Nic! It isn't that bad!" I called to her. She glared. "Hey on the bright side, you have something to occupy your time- potty traing Adam!" she smiled a bit at this while Adam turned CRIMSON!!!! BOOM BABY!!! (YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS CRIMSON ETHAN?!?!...o crap... medic...Nic! don't touch me there)
"Hey Ethan, I suggest you shut it…I can do things." Adam called to me. I stepped into the circle with them.
"What things?" I asked, with an exaggeration.
"Things.." he said again, raising his eyes brows.
"Look, dude I honestly don't find a grown man in a diaper very threatening. Although,Cupid scares the shit out of me!(a baby in a diaper…with a bow and arrow…what could go wrong?) You could be his twin for all I know! So you got scary relations... Hey man, we can't pick our family!" He lunged to me and tackled me. I screamed, you would too if you had your best friend sat on you wearing a diaper.
"Rape, Rape, Rape!" I yelled. Nicole laughed.
"You artard! You're supposed to yell fire! dipshit..." I looked over at her, which meant around Adam. We probably looked like something out of a really bad porno... Two guys on top of each other...One of whom is in a diaper... NINJA!!!!! (Get an urban dictionary people!)
"Yeah, but if you yell fire people just come to watch because it is a fire, where as you yell rape people come to watch the show as well, but they get more pleasure cause it is like free porn." I told her. She laughed.
"That is sick and wrong on so many levels," Nicole said, laughing.
"Dude, get off of me!" Adam laughed.
"Not a chance baby!"I threw my leg around him and pulled him in close like an old Hollywood movie sex scene.
"Damnit! I knew that you were cheating on me with him!" that'd be Nicole. I looked around Adam at her once again.
"Yes, we've been meaning to tell you Nicole, it is our three month anniversary and we like to roll play during sex, sorry that you have to witness it, but there is plenty of room should you want to join in, after all, three somes are so much better than just mono eh emo sex," I said, patting the floor beside me. She pretended to vomit. And then the circle parted and the queen stood there.
"Hey your highness!" I called she glared at me. I shrugged. "What? You want in to? I call dibs on the milf!" Nicole paled and shook her head no. "What?" I asked. The queen smiled and walked over to me, the only sound her high-heel clacking on the floor (see, around this point, I'm scared enough to pee myself. ;D) she tugged Adam off of me and looked down, stood him up, patted him on the back and put a nice smile on her face.
"And who might you be?" she asked.
"I am a deranged escaped lunatic that your daughter has decide to befriend on humanitarian grounds." I said, now if I had been standing, I woulda bowed nice and deeply. Instead I just lay there with my legs spread eagle. I thought about asking her if she'd like to have a real ninja work his magic on her instead of old BAT MAN! But I didn't have time to get it out before she grinned a grin that made me finally pee myself. Crap... Now Dimples is really gonna kill me...
"Really? Interesting. Well, you can call an electric eel a rubber duck, but it will still be an eel and God help the poor bastard that decides to get in the bath with the ducky." She just moved up to a 10 on the MILF list. I guess there was something hidden in her word because suddenly her foot came down on my throat. huhu... kinky... (I CAN SEE UP YOUR DREeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeSS!!!!!!!!!)
"Alright people, back to what you were doing. You stay." she was obviously referring to me seeing as I was trying to squirm away from her foot. I sighed. She must have had practice with this on Bat Man.
"This is great and all but the kinkiness level is rising fast, and making me oddly uncomfortable." You girls wanna know what happens when guys hormones get in a tizzy? This, as in my current state of perverted-ness. And do you know what makes my situation better? Moldyvort comes tearing through the crowd! Yup that's right, Moldyvort!
"What is the meaning of this?" she demanded. "Ethan!" she hissed looking at me.
"Oh c'mon! Are the royals the only ones that can't see me?" I gripped. Moldyvort glared at me, while the queen looked down curiously, probably calculating my current cringing stage.
"You know what, I think that your…mother, is that right?, here will do better job of punishing you than I could." the queen said, not thinking about this for a second and I bet you can see what was running through my mind, hint it involves leather, chains and a bed…hehe.
"You know what, I totally agree with you. Your highness, can I please speak with you? I haven't exactly been myself," she sighed and let me get up.
"What?" I held a hand out... she looked at it, she laughed, and stayed right where she was.
"Alright, so I am sorry, I'm not normally like this." I started while she raised an eyebrow. "Would you believe me if I told you I got abducted by flesh eating weasels and possum man over there and my brain got transplanted?" I asked her. She laughed.
"No, sorry. Who are you exactly?"
"Okay, I'm Ethan, but I'm here as Evan, king of I forget, I think it was a banana realm. And well... see, I'm here cause my friend forced me to come and I hang out with Nic and Adam sometimes, for like three months now, and I can't find the other girl I usually hang out with, and now I feel like a retard, and I swear I'm not normally this perverted," I stopped taking a deep breath. She looked up and then gaped. I followed her gaze. And had to laugh at what I saw. So picture this. Adam in a diaper and Nicole in a devils dress. Cupid…haha, sharp contrast between those two lovers. But anyways. He was holding her and moving upward, to the ceiling(I wonder how he got the rigging system for that up in time…). Nicole was shouting at him and he was shouting at her, and you just catch some of the things they were saying.
"Put me down! What the hell-"
"Just listen for like six-"
"You faggot! I don't wanna-"
"Seriously though, I swear-"
"Damn it! Just drop-"
"Nicole seriously! Listen for like-"
"..No or I'll scream!"
"Please don't!"
"I will!"
"Is she really going to scream?" the queen asked me. I looked up a Nicole.
"Yeah. This ought to be fun."
"Oh hell!" that'd be Adam and then suddenly there was an extremely loud scream and yeah, glass fricking cracked all over the place. I put my hands to my ears.
"Holy shit Nicole!" I shouted. I heard her laugh, or was it another scream. And then I looked back up to see that Nicole's shoe was falling into the crowd.
"OW!" someone yelled as the shoe probably hit them in the eye. I shook my head.
"Nicole, Nicole, always gotta hurt people…" the queen looked at me.
"I'll grant you a pardon, just this once, alright? I don't want anymore shit outa you."
"Yes your majesty!" I said, saluting her.
"Now tell me, who is your friend that forced you here?"
"Melanie, about yay tall," I said holding my hand to my shoulder(jeeze Mel is short! Ah! Short person with a chain saw! Runnnn away!!!) "Black hair, green eyes."
"Oh, yes…Mel.." the queen looked a bit dazed. "Um, I don't think she's here right now. I'll let you know if I find her." I nodded my head thanks and walked away.
XoxOxoX
So pretty much after Adam and Nicole's dramactic exit there wasn't too much going on. I mean yeah…I had to run away from Helga and Olga (they wanted a dance with me…guess the royals aren't the only one that don't know what I look like!) oh yeah and Mildew…she fell into a bowl of punch. So the gist of it is that the next hour sucked!
After that hour I'm minding my own business, as in dancing with a lady that had her boobs hanging out of her dress (I swear I didn't touch them! Does't mean I didn't want to! Uhoh…here come Mel! Crap! Chain saw alret! But dudette! They were super HOOTERS! Ahhhhh!) okay like I said I'm dancing with this lady when I felt a tap on my shoulder. Now because I was dancing with a lady and her two best friends I was slightly ticked off. So what do I do? Something stupid!
"What?!" I demanded of the midget behind me. The little girl looked up and grinned widely.
"Hi Ethan!" she said. Okayyy….not weird!
"Yeah…can I help you…?" I asked her…hinting that she should go into a hole and die. Trust me, I'll be there to kick the dirt in after you.
"Yes! You know me right?" she asked me, looking like I was just her favorite person in the world while my THREE favorite person and her friends sauntered off. I drooled after them in a fixed gaze until... right... midget in front of me...I raised an eyebrow.
"I'm sorry I don't associate with kindergartners…I don't want to go back to jail for that again...now scurry along little girl." I said. Her face turned red.
"I know you." She whispered. Okay now it was starting to get scary. "I watched you when you stayed here." I turned around to the lady who had disappeared and grimaced.
"You know what kid…that's kinda weird." I said moving away.
"You like Mel. Well guess what she thinks she's all that and a bag of chips-but shes not!"
"okay… POLICE!" I yelled moving away faster.
"I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP!" she shouted. Now at that point I turned on my heels and bolted. Only to be caught by the queen. Screwed up night, am I right? Oh I wish!Now guess what! On her other arm is the princess.
"Yo?" I said. The queen smiled wickedly.
"Ella, Evan, Evan, Ella." She said simply. I bowed and tried to move away, but she gripped my arm tightly.
"You two- dance now." She commanded and then left. I sighed and glanced at the princess. She had her arms crossed and was looking away from me her chin lifted in that haughty way Mel sometimes did. I bowed and grinned.
"Might as well why we are here, don't you think, love?" I asked her. She grimaced and turned around I put my hands where they were supposed to go...when I'm in public... and then bam! Clock chimes eleven thirty (climax is nearing!). Now yeah…that's pretty stupid but what ever… so there we go me and the princess are moving around on the dance floor. And you know what? I don't like it. I mean I like dancing with her cause she was pretty and all but I didn't like her. Does that make sense?
No? I didn't think so… well lets put it this way and don't pee yourself because you have been waiting forever to here this but here we go- yo me muy gusta mel*! Ahah! Pulled Spanish two on your sorry asses! Now what oooh!!!! Okay… stoping now. Bailo con Ella.* Ella no muy bien partren.*No tengo pene*… Oops!! Srry bout that last one… and yeah I do have un pene!
You peeps need a dictionary yet? I'm thinkin bout startin a show, "Are You Smarter Than an Ethan"...(The answer to that question is no....duh!!!!) Okay… so there. We are moving on the dance floor, lack of conversation and I'm tempted to do the awkward palm trees, but I don't! cause I'm better than that! Now all of a sudden the princess (Ella) starts to talk. (OmiGod moment! Get the Polaroid!)
"Sorry about Nicole." She says smiling sheepishly. I say nothing, wondering why her voice sounds familiar.
"Sorry about adding water to your punch." I say. She looks up startled.
"You mean you weren't actually spiking it?" she asked me. I smiled.
"Now really love, why would I ever do such a thing?" my accent is getting on my nerves! You know that it is bad when your own voice annoys you!
"Well you never know."
"Point…So…" I say.
"Have you seen someone named Ethan?" she blurts out. I freeze what the fu- sorry not a family word, I think I'll go Barney too, except I want to be Jeff from Blues Clues...That's the dude's name right?- what the FUDGE?!
"uhhh….why??" why is the princess asking about me? Holy shit this is getting weirder and weirder!
"I was supposed to meet him here." Her? What did Mel do? I didn't think she had it in her to be diabolical. (I'm so proud of her! i must have rubbed off on her! and Mildred always said that i was a bad influence!)Well guess it is time to come clean.
"You know how I'm British and such?" I asked her she laughed. "well I've been lying to you."
"I know! Your accent isn't English! It's Australian!" well dress me up and call me a llama, this girl is stupid!
"Yeah…I guess. Just put me on top of an alligator and call me Steve," I say instead.
"So about this guy are you sure that-" she turned around. The face a group of angry protesters of all bearing signs with the acronym T.A.K.O.P. on it were looking at us. I wondered what it meant (To All Kites Off Poland? Nah that doesn't sound right ummm Tree Association Kids On Peaches? Hnah that doesn't sound right either… Tennessee Association for Kids on Pot? wrongo...umm hey I thought of an acronym I heard the other day! For some reason my name was in it! Ask Nicole!)
"Can I help you?" she asked, they glared at her.
"Yes, we are talking to all the teens here about our organization." He said with a slight lisp. I covered my mouth and grabbed my gut. And how are you JorGAY!
"Sure what is it?" said the princess with a raised eyebrow.
"Teens Against Kitties On Poles." The princess laughed a bit and I rasied an eyebrow at them(I never would have guessed that one… they did know about that sexual innuendo right?)
"Are you serious?" I asked the guy nodded his head and I laughed, fallin to the ground and, here's an accronym for you, LMAO.
"What is so funny?" the lispy dude demanded.
"Your fricking acronym! That's what! What the hell?" I asked him, noticing that my accent wa fading and then bam clock struck twelve the princess looked up and ran away, out the doors. I shrugged my shoulders and left too feeling my features go back to normal. I wandered to the stables and hung out there and Mel came bustling around the side in a simple green dress and a crown on her head. The same one the princess was wearing, in fact pretty much the princess except the dress…I froze. No fricking way…was that…holy shit…you have got to be screwing with me…
"Hey Mel. How was your night?" trying to play it cool and failing miserably, but hey that's just me…(And this girl might be the freaking PRINCESS! HOLY COWS!!!!! I feel like I just got ninjad... and I haven't even done anything naughty tonight...well that's not true...I did grab-ahhh! kids! I'm a saint! I swear! *grins evilly*Don't kill me!)
"Fine, yours?" she seemed flustered, disappointed almost.
"What's your middle-name?" I asked her instead.
"Oh Melanie." She said brushing it off, damn it…wait then…
"What's your first name? Like birth one?"
"Ella, everyone calls me Melanie though." I'm standing there at this point, dumbstruck Mel is the f***ing princess! Wait you knew? THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!!!?!?!?!? (you cant trust people these days! I trust the lispy dude from TAKOP more than you guys!... now that's saying something... SU-FI TO YOU!!!!!!!)
"You're the princess!" I said. She looked startled and her face turned red.
"No I am not!" she instated.
"Uh-huh!"
"Nu-uh!"
"Yea-huh!"
"Not-uh!"
"Yes you are!"
"No I'm not, I didn't even go to the fricking dance! I was on my way down when I remembered you, you lucky bastard."
"Who spiked the punch?"
"Evan, but its okay I dumped it on him." I rasied and eyebrow. Her mouth turned down and she screamed "Shit! You got me!" she turned away covering her eyes with her hands.
"It's all good. 'Cept for the fact that you…oh I don't know –LIED TO ME!" I laughed. She turned around and punched my gut. Ouch, Nicole's been teaching her some new tricks.
"Nice one" I wheezed. She smiled and shook out her hand.
"You weren't there." She said. I grimaced.
"Yeah, I was."
"I didn't see you."
"That's cause Nicole was talking to me, your mother stepped on me and you dumped a bowl of punch on me, what is with you royal girls? Oh yeah and this loon that thought he was Batman beat me up before I even got in there!" I told her. She laughed a bit and rubbed her neck embarrassed. I sat there totally indifferent with my usual slouch and drool hanging out of my mouth. Put me in a furry suit and I coulda been Chubacka!
"So you were Evan?"
"Righto."
"Don't ever do that again."
"And why not? It was a PIMP! Their friends with that TAKOP organization. That's where all the good parties are. Party In My Pants..."
"I might just have to kill you."
"I'm not your cousin that'd be incest."
"Hwy?"
"Because I plan to marry you." She raised and eyebrow and I finally thought those words that had been evading me since the day I met this girl.
"Really, where do I work into your plans."
"Well first we do this."I placed my hands on the sides of her face and drew her towards me, I got a tap on the shoulder.
"What?" I groaned turning around. It was Adam and Nicole. Holding hands.
"Were married!" Nicole squealed,
"Congrats! And Adam, I see you've upgraded!" he glared at me.
"What are you two doing?" Nicole asked.
"Shove off!" I shouted. They jumped and glared, but went away, probably to "seal the deal." *shutter convulsivly*I turned back to Mel.\
"Try this one more time?" she asked. I smiled and drew her towards me, a throat cleared.
"Oh my God!" I yelled. Turning to the voice. It was looney Batman man.
"Dad?" Mel asked. Oh great! I LUV her mom, her, and now I gots me a crazy soon to be father in law! This story is turnin out to be total BS! IDK why you guys luv me so! WAIT! BABY COME BACK! YOU CAN BLAME IT ALL ON ME AND MR. MOP!
"Honey, what are you doing?"
"Chill out dad, I picked him, he picked me, we are good to go! Please just go away!" she said to him, clearly exasperated. He shrugged and looked at me.
"No funny business, alright boy?" he asked me. I saluted him.
"Yes sir. HEY! CHECK IT! IT'S THE JOKER! You'd better go catch him! But I'd watch out for Nicole, she's in love with him too seeing as I'm in love with her husband," He started and sprinted off into the night! Fist held high shouting, "AWAY!"
"Now, where were we?"
"Here." she said, wrapping her arms around my neck, we were just about there too when, once again I got tapped on my shoulder.
"Holy shit! What the hell do YOU want?" I shouted, turning around. It was Midlred.
"What are you two doing? Are you using a condom, are you sure neither of you has herpes, have you been faithful? Did you just jizz in your pants Andy?" Mildew asked. I was about to punch her lights out when a cane hooked her throat and dragged her sides ways. I looked into the bushes, it was Nicole and Adam. They gave me a thumbs up.
"Oh c'mon! Y'all arent seriously watching us, are you?" I groaned.
"Yup! Don't make me bring out the camera and make this a Kodak moment!" Nicole called.
"Hey, Nic if you and Adam don't screw off right now I am chaining you to a chair and cutting all of your hair off and Adam, I will put a pirate hat on your head cuz you sure did have your Jolly Roger at full mast throughout the whole time you two were gettin' hitched!" They both looked at each other and ran away. In the process, a camera fell out of the bushes and went off. Mel and I, now blinded, had to take another tap out to recover from this tragic incident. Finally, I turned back to Melanie.
"Wonder if we are ever gonna get through this moment?" I asked.
"Lets see." she suggested. I wrapped my arms around her waist and she wrapped her's around my necks. And once again, almost there and I got tapped. I turned around, and Mel turned the other way.
"What?" we both shouted at the same time. The scary kid grinned at me. I looked over to Mel, who was looking at the bitch behind me, she had T.A.K.O.P. behind her, glaring. I turned around, Mel did to.
"Hold that thought," we said at the same time. And then we got our kiss.
(That's all I'm describing to you people about our kiss, but if you wanna know, ask me later!)
THE END!!!!!!!!!
kidding! I turned around and did some wicked ass ninja moves on da scary chick and then she got knocked out and Mel and I rode off and got married in Canada. Ahhhh... good old Canada... THE END!!!!
Okay I lied...again! Oh c'mon gimme a break! The big kiss is supposed to be the end and all but we still have a lot more to cover, okay so where were we? Right so...this is a brief summary. We went inside and told her mother what was going on. I told Mildred and she glared at me and then shouted at her "sons" (who were miraculously turning into women before my very eyes…and they weren't half bad looking….ewwwwwww incest! I'M SO NOT GAY! But that awkward turtle is HOT!). Nicole came up and hooked her arm around my neck and brought me leval with her. I cringed (what I thought she was gonna punch me!)
"Finally! Took y'all long enough, wouldn't you say bro?" she asked me. I looked at her, surprised.
"Bro?"
"Yup- we are half siblings…ya know our dad got frisky when he went to meet up with your mom…so here I am! Guess that makes me the maid of horror at your weddin bro!" she said.
"Ah!!!!!!!!!!!!!" was the only thing I could think of, shaking her off. She glared at me and brought out a big butchers knife. I turned and started to run away, screaming "RAPE" and "MEDIC!" and "WHY SWEET BABY JESUS?!?!" and "UHOH LULU!" and then I turned around, forgetting something I stopped in front of Mel and kissed her on the cheek.
"I love you." There I said it! Out loud to her! Now guess what happens? Nicole comes after me with a knife and I run away and so that's how my life with Mel and my crazy ass half-sister began…almost ended….but was wickedly awesome (that was totally anticlimactic…wasn't it?) owel! One last thing to say!!!!:
THANKS FOR READING EVEN IF I LIED HALF THE TIME AND NEVER ELABORATED ON THAT GOLDFISH!!!!!!
(and if you want to make your self happy imagine of me and Mel riding off into the sunset with soda cans behind us and a horse's ass reading "just hitched!" go ahead. Okay….so honestly this is the end and I don't wanna stop talking but I gotta coz Rae says she gonna kill me! So buh-bye all my faithful readers!)
XoxOxoX
A/N- Okay so that is officially the end (we are doing an epiloug…duh!) okay so all that and a bag of chips- para of Fred, he's funny! And we will get to the Spanish in a second, so depends on how many people want two epilogues and we get enough responses, we'll do a sequel! Good bye for now everyone!
*I really like Mel
* I am dancing with Ella
*Ella isn't a good dancing partner
*I don't have a penis.
(result of when you get bored in Spanish class and ya got a dictionary!)
Fair thee well! Ahah, sorry bout the anticlimactic ending….(snif..)