Okay, this game of truth isn't as simple as I'd hoped. Like most of my life there is always something that makes everything go insane. Like I can't have a simple and easy moment without the world ending or something. Weirdly enough honesty seems to be the trigger to the insanity I must once again suffer here. I almost forgot why people lie so often and here I am being a complete idiot by actually being noble and truthful. I'm such an idiot! And to top it off all this "truthfulness" is giving me a HEADACHE. It's so not fair!... For second I almost forgot how damaging telling the truth could be on the human psyche. Poor Jay… and most of all poor ME!
Did I mention with all the issues we keep stepping into this room is getting some serious tension. Like it's getting SERIOUSLY heated in here… and I mean in more ways then one. Come on I almost kissed JAY! I know I've done it before, but I was simple then and going through a very traumatic time in my life. Wh…Wha… WHY would I almost his HIM? I can't even stand to look at him right now. I feel so embarrassed. No… I feel like a whore. I am his best friend's girlfriend and I'm practically jumping his bones. Oh GOD! Maybe I just need to breathe. Maybe I'm just overreacting. It's not like we even kissed… I really hope I can get through these last four questions quickly cuz I don't think I can take much more of this. I almost feel like asking practically anything to just be done with them… but then again… there are things I really do wanna know… about OUR past.
"You said that you chose me. Why?" I've really wanted to know this since he said it outside of the school that day. It just didn't add up to me. Out of all those willing and far more experienced girls down at the Ravine why go out of your way to pursue me? It just didn't click to me.
"I guess it had a lot to do with Sean." WHAT!! How could any of that have to do with…
"SEAN" This so wasn't making any type of sense… Not even slightly.
"Yeah, Sean." I hate how he said that so nonchalantly like it wasn't weird or in any way a big deal. Our involvement was built on Sean. How in the world… "When I first met Sean…" He took a really deep breath like saying this took a lot out of him and would possibly reveal something he didn't want me to know. That breath was so intriguing to me. I made me want to really understand what Sean had to do with any of this. "…it was kinda sickening how into you he was. Like the Sun rose and set on your ass. I didn't get it."
"Okay but that still doesn't expla…" I was anxious to know what this all was leading to.
"I was getting to that… When he left there was this moment between yall before we got in the car. I don't think you guys thought anyone noticed, but I did. It got me thinking, what the hell was it about you that got to him so bad." Right there in that moment we connected eyes and I understood what he was getting at without him even saying it. "Me and Sean are alike in a lot of ways, but really different somehow. I guess it's something about our spirits or whatever. But because of all of that I had to see if what it was in him that made you this miraculous thing was the same in me. That what made him want to be with you and be better for you was in me."
Curiosity. One of the most life altering experiences of my high school LIFE was nothing but pure curiosity to him. It was kinda saddening. I don't know why. Maybe some part of me wanted it to be really significant to him… mean something special.
"So you were just curious…Wow" I was feeling kinda solemn right now and I wasn't hiding it well.
"Well yeah… but can you not make it seem so stupid."
"I'm sorry, but curiosity isn't exactly a reason to… do what you convinced me to do."
"CONVINCED YOU!... Can we not go back to this bullshit about who, what, why, and how it all happened that you sucked me off."
"Can you not be so vulgar about the entire thing? Seriously Jay! You just don't understand how your answer comes off to me…see as I am the subject and primary character in all of this."
"You asked the question Greenpeace? Don't get mad cuz the answer didn't fit into your perfect view of how things should be." I was speechless. He was right. I can't be mad. I asked the question and should just deal with the answer, even if it doesn't fit into what I wanted to hear.
"Ok…So…was it?"
"Excuse me?"
"Was it?"
"Was what?" He was looking at me like I was just trying to make him look stupid. I really wasn't. The question just kinda popped into my head.
"Was it the same?!" I was starting to feel really embarrassed by how the conversation turned and really needed an answer that didn't make me feel like an idiot. "Was it the same?!... Between you and Sean? You said you did it to find out if it was the same… So was it?"
"Yeah… It was." For the first time his voice was low. I don't think I've ever really heard him talk in this octave before. Even though it was so small it was so loud in my ears. I couldn't speak. I didn't want to say anything that ruined what he just said to me. " You really got to me… under my skin, you know? That kiss in the hallway thing normally wouldn't bother me."
"You still remember that?" I had to giggle a little. I never really thought of that as a big thing.
"Yeah… I do. It really messed with me…A LOT. Even after I pushed you away, kicked you out of my car, you still wanted me and…" This couldn't be real. At any moment I was gonna wake up and realize I just slipped on a bar of soap and dreamed up all of this. "…and I wanted you to that way…Wanting me." Jay was really speaking to me. Not my false little perfect self but the real me and it felt so…so… "But you didn't. And I handled the situation like a dick. But I got it…what made Sean go to the ends of the earth for you… Stand in front of a bullet for you…but you know some days I wish I hadn't." That brought me back to reality. Those few words really sucked me back into my situation.
"Why…why do you wish you hadn't? If it meant so much to you, why?" I wanted to know, NEEDED to know, because for once I was feeling something…GOOD. And I really needed that feeling to stay.
"Because you had Sean."
"We weren't even together at the time."
"Yeah, but you still had him. Even in Wasaga you were calling the shots with him. His girl said no, you said yes and he went with your answer. He wanted to be left alone and you were the only one brave enough to bother him and be excepted in." He stepped closer to me and looked down into my eyes. "You were Sean's and Sean was and is yours." He grabbed me on my shoulders and made sure that I was looking him straight in the eyes even if I didn't want to at the time. "There's only room for one normalcy challenged person in that happy equation" Normalcy challenged. That's how he viewed himself. But he wasn't the only one. "And you know it's not me." He was wrong by thinking that way. There was no equation here and he definitely wasn't cut out of it.
This night had really turned down a totally new path. With one question left I felt like everything I wanted to know was being realized. There was just one more piece of business to handle.
"So" As I spoke I moved slowly toward him. Each step feeling me with a certain type of joy. "Are you satisfied with the events of tonight?" By now I was directly beneath him awaiting his answer.
Tonight had meant so much to me and I'd hoped it was the same for him. In one night I felt different and if I didn't know any better it was because of Jay.
"I can think of a couple of things that could make it better." He gave me that smirk which I've come to admire and slowly wrapped his arm around my waist. God I love that smirk.
The space between us was becoming smaller by the second and the air had completely left the room. All that was there was us. Me and Jay. Jay and Me. He took his finger and angled my head up to his. He slowly removed his hand from my chin, sliding it back to rest on my neck. Teasing me with what was about to come, he slowly pulled my lips to him. I can't believe what's about to happen. Me and Jay are about to cross over to a new type of reality and I liked it. We are about to ki…
"Emma! Are you in there?!"