The Doctor's face went blank. "Kathryn, what are you talking about?"
Kathryn took a deep breath, not looking at the Doctor. "Your memories. I saw them. Snapshots, seconds of recordings of section of your life…I saw them. You left yourself all over the place and…and I'm not letting you take them back."
"What exactly did you see?" The Doctor's voice was harder than usual.
"I saw—I think I saw—I know I saw Gallifrey. It was bright red, all red with silver edges and flames from the plants that were made of sunlight. Huge cities in glass domes with tall people, proud brilliant people, and circles and the most gorgeous language I've ever heard. I could feel…I felt reflections of pride and happiness and deep, deep nostalgia."
The awe drained from Kathryn's face. "And then it crumbled. Folded in on itself and fractured. Whatever was in the fractures burned like…like freezing cold water on a blazing hot day. A battle was raging. Bigger than a battle. A war."
"The Time War."
Kathryn looked up into the Doctor face. "Yes. Yes, it must have been. It couldn't have been anything else. Even having seen it, I can't really describe it."
There was a heavy silence. "What else did you see?"
"Planets laid out from above, like staring at a living map of a solar system," Kathryn answered immediately, not wanting to risk the Doctor's ire worse than she had already. "I could feel TARDIS around me, but for some reason she seemed really young. There was intense pain, sadness, helpless rage, and a horrible heaviness. And then it all vanished. All those planets, replaced by blackness."
Kathryn blinked, understanding the sights she'd seen. "That was you, wasn't it? When you locked it all away, like you told Ace two months ago."
"Yes," the Doctor answered tersely. The silence was harder, sharper this time. "Is that all you saw?"
"All I could understand. I got glimpses of other things, people I think. A man who felt weird, like he shouldn't exist. He had the name of some organization attached to him, something to do with a burning forest that wasn't really burning. Another man, one who was very close to your heart, but he's dead now. Died in your arms." Kathryn caught the Doctor's look and pushed on. "Lots of women. Amazing how many women were in your memories. A few really stood out. I think I felt Ace. Very explosive child."
The Doctor's expression never changed. Kathryn felt as though he knew there was more. "There were a few more recent girls. Ah, there was a black girl. Smart, kind of quiet. It felt like you didn't really see her though, but she had a sense of…I think it was loyalty about her. Determination and absolute loyalty. Before her there was a redhead. She seemed more live-wire-ish, like you wouldn't want to cross her. A bit thick and noisy, but resilient and sassy as anything. She wasn't there for very long."
"That'd be Donna," the Doctor commented. "You'd like her."
"I bet I would," Kathryn said, daring to smile. She bit her top lip. "There was one other girl though, really recent. She had a lot of emotions tied to her. I couldn't begin to sort them all out. A blond girl, with a lot of pink and blue. She felt very naïve, and very vulnerable, but also very…I don't know. Very human."
The Doctor looked as though Kathryn had broken into the most private of all his thoughts and emotions. Unable to look into his face, Kathryn shot her eyes back down at the console.
"Why do you have them?" The question was more of a demanding statement.
"You left them," Kathryn said in a small voice. "When you found—when you found me," she hurriedly covered for herself. "I don't know a great deal about telepathy, but I think when you found the thing I base all my decisions around, you ended up showing yours."
The tension in the room eased. "Yeah, sounds about right," the Doctor admitted ruefully.
Kathryn smiled in relief, then seemed to remember something. She looked away, then forced her eyes back to the Doctor. "I meant what I said before Doctor; I'm not proud of what I did. And…and I really shouldn't have said some of those things to you. I'm sorry."
Kathryn could hear the teasing in the Doctor's voice. "If I managed to get an apology out of you, I'd better take it and run with it."
Kathryn's mouth twitched. "You'd better; you aren't likely to get another one."
She stepped round closer to the Doctor when another thought crossed her mind. "Doctor, have you ever died?"
The Doctor seemed taken aback. "Died?"
"Yeah. Have you died?"
"Nine times in nine different ways," the Doctor answered promptly. "Time Lords can do that. We regenerate—new body, same mind. Have the energy for twelve of them. Why do you ask?"
"What's it like? Dying and coming back."
The Doctor thought for a moment. "It's like a very fast, very sad song. It's not like a simple brain transplant; my entire character changes. I've been everything from a grumpy old grandfather to a young man wearing celery and a cricket outfit. Yet I never miss the man I just was, not really." He looked at her. "Why is it important?"
"I just needed a comparison point, that's all," Kathryn said, voice a bit distant. "During the cave in, I got crushed under the rocks. Aiden—" Kathryn choked on the name and tried again. "Aiden dug me out half way, then I just came back. I didn't even know I was dead. I just…came back. It hurt; my bones reset and my wounds closed, but I had no idea until he told me."
The Doctor frowned in confusion, thinking. "It's probably your energy," he said after a moment. "It's the same reason you heal so quickly; you just have too much power in you. You might never die."
"Not exactly comforting," Kathryn said. "I was hoping for a way out someday."
The comment hung in the air. Kathryn and the Doctor both looked up at footsteps.
Katrina stood in the entryway, Jaya held tightly in her arms. Her head was held high and her shoulders were back. She purposefully didn't look at Kathryn.
"My brother was sent back to the same place his girlfriend was. They married and sent their grandchildren to live on the surface in the town of Cesnium. They know that we'll be coming. I'd appreciate it if you'd take us there."
The Doctor nodded. Working in tandem, Kathryn and the Doctor piloted the TARDIS smoothly, noiselessly, to a spot just outside Cesnium. Katrina walked gracefully to the door, grief radiating from her. She paused with her hand on the door handle and turned, pinning Kathryn down with her eyes.
"Aiden wrote that I was to tell you he forgave you. I cannot do the same, nor do I think you deserve it. But I will not deny a dying wish."
She opened the door and stepped out. Jaya waved at the Doctor and Kathryn as the door shut.
The Doctor looked sideways at Kathryn. She inhaled shakily, controlling herself.
"You alright?" the Doctor asked. She nodded.
"Yeah. I'm fine."
She sniffed. "So. I'll get changed, then we'll go someplace."
The Doctor nodded. "Anywhere in particular?"
"No."
"Then we'll use the random lever; let TARDIS surprise us."
Kathryn nodded. "Sounds like a plan."
The Doctor watched her back recede into the hallway, thinking over the memory at the center of her life and remembering the anguished scream that ran through the whole of it.
*Constructive criticism welcome, praise happily accepted, flames not wanted*
End of this re-write. I hope you all like the new covers; a friend of mine made them. I'm not magic like that.