Chapter 9 - composure

Both Gale and I keep doing 'chores' for Annie and her friends. We haven't seen her again but she seems to have figured out our schedule because I usually end up delivering things to Greasy Sae's house so that I can keep covering her needs in food and firewood while Gale does something more risky, like writing slogans on walls.

Many houses' walls have been destroyed by red paint and his horrible handwriting, but to our eyes, the town never looked better. Combined with the image of grumpy soldiers and even grumpier traitors, I am trying very hard to keep a stupid smile off my face. I actually feel like singing again, sometimes. Until I see them barging in the doctor's house, where I know my sister is.

"Hey!" I yell and start running towards them but someone pulls me back.

"They're pissed off as it is, you don't need to make things worse." Peeta whispers in my ear as he grabs my leads me away from them and stops just around the first corner. He squeezes me between himself and a wall and carefully tilts his head to see what is going on.

"What are you doing?" I begin to yell at him but he puts his hand over my mouth.

"Work with me, here, will you?" He says in a low voice.

"What is happening?" I whisper.

"They're leading the doctor and your sister out of the house."

"Why?"

"How would I know?"

"Oh, you mean, they don't tell you everything? Nice friends…" I mutter.

"You tell your friends everything?" he raises a brow. "Because I was under the impression you didn't, the first time I visited your house."

"I tell my friends what I think is important."

"And I clearly don't make the cut…" he takes a step back and I can breathe again.

I look around the corner myselfbut I can barely make out their figures.

I follow them to the Justice Building and Peeta follows me.

"You are persistent, I'll give you that." I tell him.

"Don't you want to know what happened?" he asks and walks into the Justice Building like he owns the place.

All there is for me to do is wait, but the guards in the front door make me nervous so I decide to put some distance between them and myself. I end up sitting on the front porch of the house that belonged to the mayor of the town. It is empty now. He was the first to be executed here; he had denied the Nazis' access to the Justice Building. His daughter died from the same illness that killed my mother. Her mother committed suicide a few days after the death of her daughter. I usually try to avoid it, it reminds me too much of Madge. She was my other best friend at school. Since Gale is two years older than me I ended up attending every class with her company. Her absence is so vivid now that I can barely fight the tears that appear in my eyes. I will not give the fascists the opportunity to see me cry.

After what feels like a century I spot Peeta walking out of the Building and scanning the street for me. I wave at him as I get up.

"They're ok." he tells me.

"Did you see them?" I ask.

"No, they were busy."

"Doing what?" I ask suspiciously.

"Two soldiers were attacked last night and they're in a bad shape. Your sister and the doctor were simply required to help them." Peeta explains.

"And asking politely never occurred to them, right?"

"I don't know, Katniss, maybe that's not how they operate. The point is, as soon as the soldiers are better, your sister will be home."

"And if they don't get better?" I ask.

"They'll probably execute both her and the doctor." Peeta says simply. Well, that much I'd figured out. His tone still bothers me, though.

"How can you not see what kind of monsters you're hanging out with?" I ask in disgust.

"Katniss, it's not that simple."

"isn't it?"

"They're people too…" he begins to say, but I've heard that story before.

"So is Haymitch and so is my sister. She's an innocent child, for crying out loud! They're threatening to execute a child!"

"Primrose is not a child anymore, Katniss. She's a nurse, a very capable one I hear, and she's in there because she's working with the doctor. She understands and accepts that. A child wouldn't."

I hate it when he is making sense, but I'm too angry and frustrated to even acknowledge that. Besides, that is my little sister in there, no matter how mature she is.

"They're still innocent people, the only people in town that can help the sick and injured." I don't know why I'm wasting my time trying to reason with him. there's only so much he can do, even if he wants to help her.

"If one of them dies, they won't risk the possibility of an induced death going unpunished and they don't have to knowledge to verify it." Peeta says.

"They should find someone then. A doctor from another district."

"You really think they'd be allowed to go into so much trouble for two soldiers? It's just easier to make an example out of two citizens."

"How can you speak like that's the most natural thing in the world? You know what, don't answer. I can't even look at you right now."

I leave him hanging once again, in the middle of the square and I literally run home. I haven't realized that there are tears in my eyes until I find myself in Gale's arms. Today it's not Finnick that needs to be comforted. The day passes with me in hysteria and Johanna trying to keep Posy away from me. I've frightened the baby with my lack of self-control three times already. I keep checking the window, Gale runs into town to find out if they were released several times, but we have no news until we're not allowed to go out anymore. I lose all hope of ever seeing my little sister again. Despite everyone's instructions to lie down and get some sleep I end up pacing up and down in the kitchen, until I finally decide to go out for a walk.

"Where do you think you're going?" Gale asks.

"I won't go far, I promise, I'll stay close to the house. I just need some air."

I manage to take a few steps in the cold night before I start crying again and the world starts spinning. It becomes extremely difficult for me to breathe and my legs betray me.

Soon enough I hear Gale walking up to me and dropping on the ground, right next to me. He puts his arms around my shoulders.

"You should go inside." I whisper when I'm calm enough to speak.

"Not unless you're coming too." He tells me.

"If anyone comes up here…"

"What are they going to do, shoot us for being six feet away from our house?"

I'd like to say that he has a point, but there is no logic, no reasoning with those monsters.

We are still outside when the sirens mark the end of curfew. It is not until I see Prim climbing the hill that I find the courage the lift myself from the ground.

I run towards her and squeeze her in my arms.

"Are you alright?" I ask.

"Just a little tired. They wouldn't let us go home in the middle of the night."

"How nice of them" I say sarcastically.

We stay like that for a while, as I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not hallucinating. Prim is really safe.

"Katniss?" she says after a few minutes. "I really need to go inside."

I let her go and follow her in the house.

"You're not going back to work." I make the announcement in front of everyone. "You almost got killed today!"

"How about you discuss this when you'll both have had some rest?" Finnick suggests.

I don't think there is anything to discuss but after such an exhausting day the idea of sleep is very appealing.

I open my eyes and notice that it's getting dark. How long have I been asleep? I blink and focus on my hearing to locate the others.

"I understand she was worried…" Prim says. She must be in our old bedroom. "But I don't want to stop. This is the only thing I'm good at, the only thing I want to do in my life."

"I don't think she'll actually make you quit." Johanna says. "Just talk to her."

"I can't. Everything Katniss does is for me. Ever since dad died she hasn't made a single decision without considering how it will affect me. How can I tell her that I want to keep working despite the danger I'm putting myself in?"

"First of all, believe me, some of Katniss's actions are putting you in danger as well. Take me and Finnick for example. If they had found us here the day they searched the house all of you would have been dead, including the baby. She knew that when she decided to let us stay. Not to mention the fact that she invited two complete strangers in your home, in the first place." Johanna points out.

"Which we are very grateful for." Finnick adds.

"That's different. You guys were, and still are, in need of shelter. We were raised to help anyone who needed help. What kind of person would it have made her or Gale or me to leave you out to die that night?" Prim explains.

"Anyway" Johanna says after a short pause. "You need to understand that no one will ever think of listening unless you make yourself heard. You need to speak up. If you want something, you ask for it. Tell your sister that you don't want to stop. She may be worried about your safety, but it looks to me that she's worried about your happiness as well."

I've managed to quietly get out of bed and I am watching the conversation from the half-open door.

"Katniss, you're finally up!" Prim says when she notices me.

"Just in time, girl, we were just talking about you being a bitch to your sister." Johanna says.

"Johanna!" Finnick scolds her.

"Yeah, I heard some of it." I say. I turn to my sister. "Honestly, I meant every word. I don't want you going back there…"

"Katniss!" Prim interrupts me. "You do things that compromise your safety all the time… You know, I worry about you, too, every time you go hunting, or come home late or when I see you talking to Mellark. I never asked you to stop doing any of these things!"

"You didn't let me finish… I don't want you going back there… but the decision is yours. Yesterday couldn't have been fun, but if you want to do it again, I don't have the right to stop you. I will expect that you do not hesitate talking to me, from now on. I think I usually make it obvious that I'm open for discussion."

Johanna chuckles.

"You're not the life of the party either, Johanna, so shut it… Prim knows what I mean…" I say.

"I do… by the way, it was kind of fun!"

I look at my sister in astonishment.

"I mean, not the part where we had to work with weapons pointed at our heads. But you should have seen Dr. Abernathy. They had all this cool equipment and all sorts of medication and he was acting like a child that just got a new toy." Prim elaborates.

"I've been meaning to ask something." Finnick says. "Don't you have a hospital here?"

"We had a small health center, but it was destroyed by a bomb." I explain.

"Yes, and now they've turned a part of the Justice Building into a hospital wing. Dr. Abernathy says it's nothing major, but it's better than nothing."

"That's interesting…" Johanna mutters.

"Where's Gale?" I ask.

"In the woods." Prim says.