[10] Oh God Why (The Series): Chapter Ten - Marshmallow Cream
Written by: Uncle Abradolf Lincler
In Daten City, Tokyo, the screams of its citizens could be heard from miles around. The Stay Puft Marshmallows Man was destroying massive buildings and eating anything in sight. The only that could stop it now was the city's very own angelic heroes. But as usual, they were late to the scene. Faint techno music coming from somewhere off in the distance could barely be heard over the screams of dying children, as the Stay Puft Marshmallows Man ate an entire orphanage.
"O pitiful shadow lost in the darkness, O evil spirit born of those drifting between heaven and earth," came from our angelic heroes. "May the thunderous power from the garments of these holy, delicate maidensstrike down upon you with great vengeance and furious anger, shattering your loathsome impurity and returning you from whence you came! Repent, motherf***er!" A great many loud bangs rang through the air and bullets went through the Marshmallow ghost, each leaving small holes in his soft body. Then he received multiple cuts to his body from many swift sword strokes. It seemed to do nothing to the Marshmallow Man. His body had absorbed the bullets and the swords stuck in his gooey flesh. "S***! This ghost is gonna be a lot harder to kill than I thought," said the blonde angel holding her gun. "Hold on, I have an idea." "That's new, Panty," said her purple haired younger sister. "Oh shut the f*** up Stocking!"
Panty whistled, a pink Hummer came zooming down the street. The front doors opened and Panty and Stocking got into their car. "Go See-Through, go!" said Panty, and her car took off at lightning speed. They drove up the side of a building that the Marshmallow Man was eating, and rode the car into his mouth. They broke through the back of his throat with the car, and landed on the building right behind the giant marshmallow.
The ghost exploded into gooey marshmallow cream, coating the whole city in its sticky goodness. Three gold coins fell from the sky and landed at the feet of the city's saviors. "Only three?! Seriously, what the f***! Cheap a** ghosts...," complained Panty as she wiped the thick, white, sugary, cream off of herself. "It's still more than the one heaven coin we got last time we fought a ghost this big. You'd think the bigger they are, the more we'd get," said Stocking. "I guess this is supposed to teach us to be grateful, or some s*** like that. Now, I wonder who's gotta clean up all this f***ing marshmallow cream," wondered Panty. Just then, they saw a purple cat, bear, raccoon thing with a weird hat with two points cleaning the cream off of whole buildings at a time.
"Mother of all holy deities, what un the f***ing Christ is that f***ing thing!" exclaimed Stocking. "Maybe it's another ghost!" replied Panty. "F***in' A! It's f***ing payday today! Taste my great vengeance and furious anger! Repent mother f***er!" She shot four bullets from her gun, Backlace, directly at the purple creature's face. It ate all of the bullets and replied, "Great vengeance and furious anger taste like lead." The abomination continued to eat the marshmallow cream and paid no attention to the angels. In the matter of a few seconds, the purple car had cleaned the entire block of the snow-white cream. Then, he turned towards the angels, who were confused about what this monstrosity might be.
"Hi, my name is Chowder! What are your names?" "Panty Anarchy!" "Stocking Anarchy!" the sisters replied. "Maybe you've heard of us?" said Stocking. "Those are some weird names, I think I would remember hearing about people with names like those," replied Chowder. "Also, have you two weird ladies seen my cooking master?" "Who you callin' weird fatty?" Panty angrily snapped. Chowder simply ignored the remark. "He's kinda tall, blue, and has a big, huge nose." "No, we would've remembered if we'd seen someone like that," answered Stocking.
"TEAM MUNG DAUL!" shouted someone. "I'm here to kick flibber flabber and take orders!" said the man Chowder had described. He was swinging nun-chucks above his head and karate noises, while doing a fake karate stance. "Where'd the monster go Chowder?" "Mung! I've been looking all over for you! Where did you go?" said the very happy Chowder. "When I saw that monster, I just wanted to my duty as a good citizen and kick it's gooey butt!" Mung turned around and saw Panty and Stocking staring at him and Chowder. "Ladies," Mung said while checking them out. "I don't do old guys, so back off ya blue faggot." Said Panty. "Oh fudge butter… Wait, how old are you two?" said Mung, still slightly turned on.
"Hey Mung, how are we gonna get home? I can't find Marzipan City anywhere!" said Mung's chunky purple apprentice. "I don't know Chowder. Hold on, let me try to call Truffles and tell her we got lost in a different town again," he pulled his phone and tried dialing the number for their kitchen, but all the line did was make dial-up modem noises. "Chowder, did you eat the phone lines again before we left?" "No Mung, I promise I didn't do it!" "Oh poo. Chowder, I don't think we're ever going home. We gotta find a new place to live until we can find Marzipan," Mung turned towards the angels. "Ladies, do you have a place where we could stay? That would be awfully nice if you did." "Fine you can stay with us, just stay out of our rooms," replied Panty. "Let's go back to the monastery."
The angels then saw that their car was covered in marshmallow goo. "Oh f***ing s***! F***ing marshmallow f*** all over the f***ing car!" said Panty, using more swear words than regular words as usual. "This'll take f***ing forever to clean!" said Stocking. Chowder swallowed the whole car and then spit it out, it was completely clean. "Thanks little bear, rabbit thing. What's your name again?" asked Stocking. "Chowder," he said while smiling.