-Dave's turn!-
Dave: Vomit.
"Oh Rose, what a sight to see for my old and tired eyes!" John muses to the woman you weren't sure existed until this moment. Well, how about that. Egdork was right about a woman. He bends on one knee and takes her hand, giving it a charming kiss on her knuckle. You think you're going to be sick.
"You make this lavender-eyed beauty blush, kind sir," she replies. Okay, now you're going to be sick.
You glance over to Jaya awkwardly, who is the perfect personification of your internal feelings right now. She makes a gag motion in your direction, squinting her eyes so that only the whites were showing. You can't help but smirk, even though you two were just arguing about getting the middle seat for the entire hour ride over here from the docks.
John stands back up and kisses the back of Rose's hand. "I prefer to be more charming than kind," he corrects her. He suddenly pulls her close, her purple skirt flowing in the breeze, and turns, dipping her low. She laughs as her headband nearly falls off, giving the old lady crossing the road behind you a good view of Rose's nearly-nonexistent cleavage. "I hope I did not keep you waiting long, though, dear princess." He gives her an Eskimo kiss.
That's it. Projectile vomit is going to get everywhere if this continues. You're going to do something rash.
"Oh, get! A! Bucket!" Jaya intervenes. She clamps her hands over her mouth, horrified at what she just said.
You shoot her a warning look. Now, why'd she have to mention the buckets? It's not like Rose knows what it means, anyway. You're not even sure what it means. It's all a bunch of crockpot babblery to you. As far as you knew, Jaya said it was a private mating thing that they did on her island, which just sounds gross by itself. You are also positive that it's a lot worse than you think. John and Rose straighten themselves up.
You examine Rose, who should be completely confused at the outburst, but isn't. Her surprised wide-eyed expression makes it seem like she knew exactly what Jaya was talking about. She clears her throat, putting her fist up to her lips and looking off to the side, and changes the subject.
"So," she begins, turning to Jaya. "You must be Jade." You squint, recognizing that gleam of pure bullshit in her eye. It reminds you of your brother, who gave you that look all the time in the rare occasion that he took off those stupid anime shades. Now that you think of it, yours and Rose's hair colors are eerily similar, almost platinum blonde. There's no way you're family, though. As far as you know, your bro had a one-night-stand with some chick who just dropped you off at his doorstop before she set off to jail. Oh wait, that's plot to a sitcom. You have no idea where you came from. You just are. Who cares how you came to be. Shit, you were probably a clone or something. Sent to earth the save the world on a meteor with superpowers and laser beams coming out of your eyes. Yes. Best headcanon ever.
John's stupid voice brings you back to reality. "May we enter, mademoiselle?" No. Stop.
Rose gestures inside. "Please." As soon as the freaky twins make their way inside, her eyebrows furrow together. You narrow your eyes and pass by her like you didn't see anything.
Dave: Ogle the place.
Ogle what now? There's nothing to ogle. It seems pretty fucking normal to you. Like, sitcom normal. Too clean. There're probably hidden cameras somewhere.
"Dave, stop ogling and pay attention," John whispers, nudging you.
"I would also very much appreciate it," Rose says, near condescending. She smiles and points to the empty chair at the kitchen table.
"Nah, I'll stand." You lean on the mantle with your elbow, gazing off into the far distance. You flip your bangs out from your eyes like a fucking tool. Damn it. You resist all temptation to look at Jaya. You do hear a small giggle, though. Fuck.
"Now then," Rose remits, interrupting your private thoughts. "On with the interview."
Good. Show them how it's done, Jaya. You and John have taught her well. That is, unless she asks about the escape. John is better at explaining what and how things should be said, but you didn't get to tell him how the real Jade escaped. Only you know that, but she can't seriously think that that the real Jade was awake to remember all that crap anyway. She could have been completely passed out. But hey, only Rose, Betty Crocker's most trusted acquaintance, would know the whole story. You only know a small portion. You sigh and hope for the best.
"Where were you born?"
"In a hospital?" Jaya guesses. You cough to cover up your snort.
"Do you need a drink of water, Dave?" Rose asks without turning her head.
"No, ma'am, I'm fine," you manage to say through actual coughs and fits of laughter. "I'm good."
"Strike two, and you are out," she warns, still smiling.
"Aye, aye, captain." You do a half-assed salute with two fingers. As long as that girl of yours doesn't answer with any more silly answers, you'll be set.
"Was that wrong?" Jaya asks, concerned. She looks at you with a worried expression. You shrug in response.
"No, that was just fine," Rose reassures her. "You are honest. I admire that." She looks towards you icily through the side of her eye. "Next question, then."
Dave: Try not to freak out.
-Be Jade exactly an hour from now-
Jaya: Answer the ultimate question.
"Last question," Rose says.
You grit your teeth. You expected this. Now, you aren't the real Jade or anything, but you have to make up something that Rose will believe.
"How did you escape the mansion when the red miles were attacking?" You hear Dave and John groan to themselves. Out of the corner of your eye, you see Dave turn away.
Your head starts to pound. You groan and put your hands on the sides of your head. Something clicks your brain. Something happened that you forgot. On instinct, you open your eyes and glance at the magenta ring on your finger. All of a sudden, random images come up. Flowing black hair, some red vines, lots of running… and…
"Jade?" Rose asks, putting a hand on your shoulder. "Are you alright?"
"A boy…" you whisper. "He…" You swallow, unsure what to say next. "He and someone else… The younger one, he got us out!" You pick your head up, head still pounding. "He got us out by running really fast, around all of the red vine things, like they were frozen in time. And then we were suddenly outside and he threw a rock at some flying guy that was chasing us?" You laugh to yourself. "I'm sorry, that sounds really silly. Like people can time travel! Or fly!"
You meet Rose's gaze cautiously. Her jaw slightly slack, it looks like she's holding her breath. You look to Dave, who is staring at you intently. Embarrassed, you turn to John, who is busy plugging his ears for some reason. She inhales sharply, grabbing your attention again.
"What?" you ask.
"You answered all of my questions," she said sweetly, patting her hands on her thighs. She brings them gracefully back to her lap and folds them neatly. "I will go talk to my employer, and we will see if we can set up a meeting."
You widen your eyes and feel a smile growing on your face. "You hear that, guys?" you exclaim a little too excitedly. You can't help it! You try to brush off the possibility that you actually are the real Jade. The echoes of your nightmare from the other night are still haunting you.
"We did it," Dave mutters.
John opens one eye. "Did we do it?" he asks.
"Yep," Dave replies.
Rose stands you up and presents you to your official fake twin brother. "You got this far," Rose corrects.
"We did it!" John cries, celebrating like the Japanese guy from that one superhero show when he realized he could time travel. "I need a moment outside, hang on a sec." He then takes off yelping with joy.
You look around for Dave. That's weird, you didn't notice him leave. Rose drags you off by your wrist in the direction of the bedroom. You wonder when he left. What was he thinking? John is easy to read, but you often ask yourself what is going on behind the shades. You miss the days where he never wore them. Lately, he only wore them around you. You wonder a lot about him, actually. He tries to be cool so many times, but he's really not. At least he's not an asshole to you anymore. It's one of the things you like about him. Now only if he liked your dog…
"Jade," says Rose, interrupting your thoughts. You shake your head swiftly and focus on the purple-eyed host. "I do not want you to take this as being offensive, but I would like to take you out; clean you up a bit, perhaps get a new outfit or two… What do you say?"
Your jaw drops slightly. "Oh, uh, o-okay!" you stutter.
"And as a personal treat, paid for by the Crocker Corporation, I would like to take the three of you to a… fancy restaurant." She wiggles her eyebrows. You can't help but chuckle.
In a matter of minutes, you two are giggling like two long-lost childhood best friends.
"Go and tell them now. I will call the budget office and skim some extra income from my bonuses next month." She winks and shoos you away.
You take two steps away from her bedroom when you realize that she wanted to dress you up like a doll. You pass by a mirror on the way to the backyard, where you can hear John and Dave talking. They did their best to make you look nice, which didn't go farther than the blue dress that Dave bought you on the cruise. Your hair was simply brushed, and victim to the heartless wind. Your glasses aren't much help either, you look like a huge dork. You sigh and shake your head.
And then it hits you.
You are in New York City. You are in the care of one of the richest people in the world who wants to buy you things, and you're being blasé about it! There's no way you're missing out on this opportunity. You've barely had one or two outfits or a bed to yourself in your whole life, living with so many Trolls in one house, and now an opportunity is slapping you in the face! You run outside to tell John and Dave.
-Be John now. I kind of miss him.-
John: Celebrate.
Your name is John Egbert and you have never been so excited in your life. After you run outside, you run quite literally into Dave, who is spacing out next to a tree. You drape an arm over him, letting gravity take over.
"Dave! Dave! Hello?" you call, waving a hand in front of his face.
"Oh my god! I'm not spacing out! Get away from me!" He swats at your hand and you laugh at him. He's totally spacing out. He pushes his sunglasses up from his nose, which nearly fell off during your attack.
"Don't you know what happened in there just now?" you ask, pointing to the house. You swear you're a puppy right now. Everything is now within reach: the money, revenge, and a sweet movie deal if executed right.
"We found her," he mumbles.
"Exactly! Now we can leave her here, take the money, and—"
"No, John. You don't understand."
You pause, scrunching your face. "What?"
"That's her. She's the real deal." He looks away from you guiltily.
You blink, face still contorted. "So…"
"It's the real Jade, you dumbass!" he blurts out loudly.
It sinks in. "You mean… that's…" You gesture your thumb to the house.
Dave nods.
"The real Jade."
Dave nods again.
"That's my actual sister?" you whisper, leaning in and still gesturing.
"For fuck's sake, yes!" He throws up his arms and turns back around, dropping his head. He lowers his arms and leans his head against the tree.
You can hardly believe it. You can't even believe it. You are going to put on your denial shades for now. "You're just caught up in the moment. Rose did ask a lot of leading questions. My real sister probably did the smart thing and ran away from this entire debacle of a family! Jaya was raised by trolls or something. Why would you think that would be her anyway?"
Dave turns back to you and sighs, like he's been waiting a long time to tell you something. "Well, because—"
"Guys, guys!" Jaya calls from the back door.
"What, what?" you answer, completely ignoring Dave.
"Rose wants to take us out shopping in the city!" she yells.
"Exhilarating. So what?" Dave asks. He's probably giving you the stink eye behind those sunglasses.
"She's also feeding us!" She looks at you while she says that.
"I'm in, as long as it isn't cake!" you reply excitedly. You dash to her, giving her a hug unconsciously. She hugs you back and you spin her around like you're in an old movie. "Hey mind if I ask you a question?" You lead her inside.
"Okay," she says dizzily. She steadies herself and collapses onto the white sofa.
"Do you mind if I call you by your fake name?" you ask awkwardly. You avert her gaze, trying not to make it sound like you were asking her out.
"Which one?" she asks.
You kick at an imaginary rock. "Jade."
She pauses, obviously thinking carefully about her answer. "You don't have to call me Jade if you don't want to. I like Jaya better," she adds, grinning. "But it might be nice being your sister for a while, though. Don't be so down, John! It's only a name."
She's right, you conclude. "Okay, then you can call me Dr. Peter Venkman!"
Jaya holds her stomach and laughs a hearty laugh, one that sounds so joyous and genuine, one that you can't help joining in on the fun. "I think 'John' suits you better, good doctor!"
No more than a minute later, Rose emerges from her room, looking gorgeous as ever. You are so lucky to have a girl as beautiful as she in your life. Not that Jaya isn't beautiful or anything. You just don't see her as you see Rose. Dave would be insanely jealous, though. You can't treat your best friend that way! As much as you really want to shove him and Jade together right now…
You take Rose by the hand, giving it a light kiss. Spots of soft pink form on her cheeks, and you give her wrist another light kiss. You don't really care that Jaya is making gagging noises right now. You take the purple-themed lady on your arm and she waves Jaya to follow you two.
"I'll go find Dave!" she volunteers.
"Already called a taxi," Dave says, appearing out of nowhere, startling everyone, including yourself. Before you can say anything, he says, "I am just that good."
"Nah," Jaya teases.
"Hey, I'm the coolkid here, not you, shorty," he fires back.
"Hey, I'm tall on my island!"
"What island is that, Munchkinland?" He smirks. Dave is going down a dangerous road.
She punches him in the shoulder.
"Ow! Just take my arm already! We don't want people staring at us." He takes Jade around her waist and beats you and Rose out the door. "Taxi's here!" he calls from outside over Jaya's protests.
You take her outside and sure enough, the taxi had arrived. Those two are already having a muffled argument behind closed car doors.
"You know, John?" Rose starts to say.
"Yes, Rose?"
"They say that 'Paris is the key to your heart', but I think 'New York is where you start anew'."
You can't stand how great this girl is.
-Time to be Droll!-
Droll: Tells us your true name.
You can't do that! That is top secret confidential information!
Droll: Lament.
Jack has never been the same since the cruise. He's a lot colder and you are starting to get worried about his health. You can't go through your life chasin' dreams, is what you say!
It almost makes you want to regret helping him out.
And this has nothing to do with getting your ass handed to you on a silver platter three nights ago on the boat by that guy with the sword. Not. At. All. He didn't even flinch at your bomb!
In any case, Jack is starting to get fatigued. He's wearing the ring too much, you're sure of that. It's starting to take its toll, you think. He needs to get a life.
As soon as he gets back from his recon for today, you are going to tell him exactly that!
Not two seconds later, Jack returns.
He lands, collapsing his wings as he enters the doors to the abandoned penthouse you and Jack convinced the renting tenants was haunted. It has a good balcony with a nice view, you think, but there's no time for ogling right now!
"Jack!" you blurt.
"What is it? I'm busy."
"I think you need a life."
He stops.
"You're getting fatigued!"
"Stop."
"I'm worried!"
"Shut up!"
"Look, I want revenge for our planet, too, but I think you should take the day or the week off."
No answer.
"Jack?"
"I'll take the day." He turns to tower over you. "Don't be disturbin' my nap, or you'll be sleepin' with the fishes, ya got it?"
You salute. "Okay, boss!" He turns to the master bedroom, the only bed tall enough for his size and slams the door.
You go to the couch and pull off all of the cushions and toss them on the floor. The sun is setting, so it'll be time to sleep. You are going to sleep all day tomorrow. You hope Jack will, too. You collapse onto the couch and fall asleep.
-Be Jade again?-
Jade: Get a makeover.
What's a makeover?
You sit in a rolling chair in front of one of many mirrors with bare light bulbs bordering each mirror. The floors are a creamy color, and the sinks are equal in shade and shine. You're not the only one there, either. There is a line going out the door full of short women with sagging, wrinkled faces, and tall girls wearing five-inch high heels so glossy that you can probably see your reflection if you got close enough. There is chatter everywhere. Maybe if Rose would have let you stand in line instead of cutting in front of everyone with just a mention of her name, you would have thought this was an absolutely awful idea.
Wait, where are they going with those scissors? Is that hot wax?! And why the hell are they taking your glasses away? You need those! You don't like where this is going. Not one bit. You squeeze your eyes shut, hoping that this will all pass over quickly.
"Jade, open your eyes," Rose pesters. You hold your ground. "We cannot properly inspect you if your eyes are scrunched up like that." You shake your head. She exhaled sharply. "Open. Your. Eyes!" You do, afraid of what she'll do to you if you don't. "That's better! Pierre! Le royale!" she orders the gothic hairstylist, pointing at you. Was that French? Maybe it isn't what Rose is going to do to you, but what she's telling this guy to do to you. "I will be back in half an hour, so let Pierre do his thing. He will make you fit for a night with the Queen of England herself!" She blew a kiss and winked before she sped out the door.
You turn your head to Pierre, who stands there like he sees this every day. He cracks his neck and silently begins his quest. He rolls you in the chair over to the sink and washes your hair. He grunts in frustration as he scrubs your scalp with pump after pump of shampoo. Just as you were beginning to feel the soothing relaxation of someone massaging your scalp, the shampoo is rinsed out with ice cold water, shocking you rigid again. He rolls you back to the mirror and starts pinning your hair up in strange curls against your head. You don't think you've ever liked modern fashion, but you have a funny feeling that you're going to be entrenched in it.
Just as you were going to point out that he didn't curl a spot on her hair, you hear the snips. More snipping. A sigh. More snipping. You turn your head to see what he's doing to your pride and joy, but he forces you back forward. This process goes on for a while until he smacks you upside the head. Your eye twitches. This silent guy is starting to annoy you. You give up and he uncurls bit after bit of hair and cuts them, evening everything out. He finishes mutilating your long hair and gives you bangs. He blow dries everything, styling your bangs to swoop to one side and fluffing up your hair like some blonde Texan girl. Except you had thick black hair. And you weren't pretty. Bluh.
And then his assistant comes at you with the hot wax.
Oh, hell no.
Jaya: Run.
-Be Rose!-
Rose: Go check on the boys.
The boys are next door at the tailor's. You are getting them both fitted suits. Your boss hates it when her valuable time is wasted by individuals who do not care to dress professionally in her presence. You have a plan for this, you think, even though she stopped looking for Jade. But you believe she is the real thing.
Maybe she will forgive you if they look sharp. John in blue and Dave in maroon. Your own dress will be lavender and layered, and Jade's will be a surprise. For now, the four of you will be in street clothes. Whoever picked out that blue dress that she was wearing for her interview had a pretty good eye. You think too much on it, but you smirk smugly anyway. Goodness, do you enjoy being evil.
You get there to see John busy admiring his new suit. "Wow, awesome!"
Dave is well… Dave, as John so eloquently puts it. "This thing is suffocating. How the fuck am I supposed to fight in this?"
"Hey, hey Dave! Do I look like James Bond?" John says, posing badly. His tailor gives his pants a tug to stop.
"No, you look like an asshole." Rude. His tailor thinks so as well and shakes his head. John only laughs.
You roll your eyes. Perhaps Dave is the one that needs to learn some manners. Is he always this pissy? Personally, you think that Jade is just fine the way she is, growing up in isolation or not.
The tailors finish their jobs and both boys change back into their normal clothes. You pay up front to make sure they are complete by tomorrow's meeting with Mrs. Crocker. The two of you have been attending this particular show every year like clockwork. You never miss it, and it is the perfect opportunity for a reunion.
You gather your guests and take them next door to where Jade should be finished getting ready.
You hear a shrill scream from a single source, then lots of yelling from multiple sources. Oh, no.
"Oh Rose, thank goodness! They were going to—" She freezes the instant she sees Dave. Her face turns about as red as the suit you just bought Dave. Her hair is styled perfectly, save a few flyaways from the fuss. Her wide-eyed embarrassed expression right now makes her absolutely adorable. You glance at Dave, and you can tell that he is thinking the exact same thing. He swallows and turns away and coughs, covering his mouth. You almost couldn't catch the red appearing on his cheeks.
"I'll tell them to refrain from using the wax, okay?" you say, resting a hand on her shoulder comfortingly.
"Th-thanks…" she mutters, looking at the ground to try to hide her face. "Are we done yet?"
"Almost," you reply. You will have to negotiate price so that you do not have to pay for this terrible service towards the beloved heiress. "We just need to apply some minimal makeup. I will be here the whole time." You shoot both boys a look. "Meet us at that white store front in ten minutes," you order.
"Yes, ma'am," Dave complies sarcastically. Seriously, that boy.
"We are still going to do some shopping." And you know just the man to carry the paraphernalia for you.
-Dave! At the moment he saw Jade.-
Dave: Confess embarrassment to party.
hello you have reached daves voice mail
hes not home at the moment so leave your message after the beep
beep
-Now back to me—WHOOPS I mean the present.-
Dave: Snap out of it.
You successfully snap out of it. As soon as Rose and Jade exit the salon, they link their arms together, like a couple of girlfriends from a terrible bridesmaid comedy. If this were an equally terrible musical romcom, they could've burst into song right then and there. They meet you at the white store front, like Rose told you to, and you can't believe your eyes.
Jade's clothes hadn't changed, but something about her presence was different. Her hair was different, sure, but there is something else. She wasn't even wearing much makeup. Nothing major, but they all highlighted features of her that automatically caught your attention and automatically lov—
Nope.
The blonde attached herself to John's arm while Jade took yours, and the four of you set off down the sidewalk in a straight row. Good thing there aren't any cars at the moment, or people might've been pushed off the street into oncoming traffic, and one such Rose would still be cool as a cucumber. Man, she is one scary enemy. Next time, you should just buy her a friendship necklace and then maybe you can be friends. Are those still a thing? Or are they too weird? What is modern society? Insert really deep question here. She's probably even more of a coolkid than you are, if that's even possible. She knows it, too. She thinks she has seen right through you, but she's wrong. You are so cool. Cooler than a bucket of ice in a volcano. That volcano is your heart. And Jade is in your heart.
Oh, mother fuck.
-Fast-forward to dinner.-
-Still Dave?-
Dave: Stop staring at Jade.
You fail to stop staring at Jade. You admit that Jade suits her better. Jade, the stone, also green. Like her eyes. They don't make 'em like that anymore. You swear as soon as you're done with this whole turning her over to the batterbitch madness (which turns your stomach just as much as the batterbitch herself but hot damn she makes good cookies), you're going to make a movie about this. But not with the reward money, no way.
Dave: Be a pack mule.
No. You are not carrying all of these bags. They still have to buy Jaya a dress for tomorrow evening's something-or-other. You think it's a ballet. Either that, or it's just a movie. Anyway, it'll be a fancy-schmancy event, where you'll have to wear a suit and tie, which Rose paid for as well as this dinner.
Dave: Write another rap about Jade.
You mumble to yourself as you scribble down notes on a paper towel with one of those silly children's menu crayons, cursing appropriately when it snaps in your hand. You need to get this out of your head before it's too late.
You make me want to wear sunglasses day and night so you can't
See my face, see my eyes, oh they try
To keep us apart, and I think they realize (I realize)
We can't stay together, be together, see whenever
We cry, laugh, jump, dance, sing and even fight
And all the times that we faced
Supernatural instances we were there.
What I want isn't very hard to see
But I think you and me, it ain't to be
You have Betty, I have Bro
Someone to take care of us
You have haves, I have-nots
People to take care of you
I don't want this love to be
Something we look back and see
To be painful, break your heart
So I want to tell you something that's been on mine
But I'm afraid my own can't take a single extra beat.
What you said, what you said, it stuck with me
When you said it, when you said it, I could see
That night we first met
It was not the greatest night to meet
You had died or so we thought
On the anniversary
You described it so
Perfectly, perfectly.
I remember that it was nothing to be happy of
Bro and I we fought them off
And I saw you and that old hag running from the guy who made
Everything that was a bad memory to forget
That that night had happened then
I threw the rock and protected you and made him turn
That was me
That was me
That was me
THAT WAS MԅЂ£MOTHERFUCKER
Friggin' crayon.
You read over the blurb and think it is the shittiest thing you have ever read in your entire life. You crumple it up and are about to throw it away when you freeze. Your hand refuses to let the wad of crappy paper go into the obnoxiously shiny gold-plated trash bin. You force your index finger, then your pinky, then your ring finger, then your middle, but your thumb will not let it go. You shake your hand violently and even mentally curse your digit to just let it go already!
You can't.
You can't let it go.
You can't let her go.
You sigh and pocket the wad in the rented tux jacket. Maybe the guy who cleans the suits after they're rented out will find it and get rich off of an original and never-before-seen Dave Strider rap, even if it is a God-awful first draft. You do most of the writing in yours and John's indie films anyway, so what's one piece that goes off and makes a life of its own without your permission? There's nothing new under the sun. Hell, you might even be in fan fiction right now that rips off a movie plot.
You yell and punch the mirror, leaving a perfect spider web design in the smack-dab center. You curse and wrap your bloody hand with brand new paper towels. You decide to go back out and at least try to enjoy the food that Crocker Corp. has so graciously paid for.