Chapter 10: Why are we so afraid of love?
What is it about love that scares us so much? Is it how the people around us judge our love? Or is it how our love is constantly being tested by the situations that surround it? Maybe… just maybe we're afraid of love so much because we're afraid of the fact that someone in this world could actually love us back.
"alright Davies, it's the moment of truth" Meg says, unaffected by the whole thing a few hours ago. It's like she completely forgot that our exes when at it on stage. Which by the way they were disqualified for. Jefferson won by default. "come on, get your phone out!" she says excitedly.
"alright, alright" I say as I pull my phone out of my back pocket. One by one we go through each picture and determine how many points we get. It looks like Meg was able to get a lot of small points from kissing and such, which subsequently lead to her being put in the lead, by a landslide.
"alright, well Ashley, it looks like your reign of terror is over! I have 1750 points and you only have 1250! Ha!"
Damn, I really shouldn't have spent that day staring at Spencer during her practice. It really set me back. "there's got to be some sort of mistake!" I say, but we both know there's no way I can win now. I look through my picture on my phone trying to see if I can scrounge up some extra points. But when I come to the last photo, I pause. It's the picture of Spencer, naked in my bed. To tell you the truth, this could win the game for me and put me in the lead for another year.
But I just can't do that. I couldn't do that to Meg, or Spencer, or even Mac, I just can't. I flip my phone close and look up at Meg. "well I guess you got lucky this year…" I say and Meg jumps up on my bed and starts jumping up and down repeatedly, chanting "I win" over and over again. I toss my phone down onto the bed and get up to get some Advil and water, it's going to be a long trip back with Megan's gloating and bragging.
"oh hey, let me see your phone, I think we might have made out with the same girl. Some chicks are just sluts" she says, even though we're the biggest sluts of them all.
"yeah, what ever" I wave her off as I let her go through the pictures on my phone, but then I realize that picture of me and Spencer is on there. "actually wait!" I yell, but as soon as I realize what I've done I turn around to see Meg's frozen face.
"…is this…?" fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, please don't tell me she found it. Please, by some miracle let her think it's some other chick.
"Megan"
"what the fuck Ashley?! Is this a picture of Spencer?!" she yells especially loudly. "are you fucking kidding me?! After everything you've said, after everything we've done, you go ahead and do this? Are you out of your mind?! How could you do something like this?! This is my ex-girlfriend!" she yells.
"Meg, it's not what it looks like!"
"oh really? Cause it looks like you fucked my ex-girlfriend!" she yells throwing my phone at me, and hard. I move out of the way only to have the phone smashed against the wall. I don't think I've ever seen Meg this angry.
"Meg!" I yell angrily.
"fuck you, Ashley!" she yells harshly.
"Megan, look… I'm sorry!"
"no don't you dare apologize to me! You don't get to. You don't get to apologize and think everything's going to be all right! You don't get to feel guilt free! Not this time"
"…" I don't say anything in fear of saying the wrong thing. But I've realized in a situation like this that there really is no right thing to say.
"well?" Megan asks.
"well what, Meg?" I ask back. "what do you expect me to say? You don't want me to apologize, you don't want to hear how I feel… what do you want me to say?"
"I want you to say that this is all just some nightmare, because I know that my best friend wouldn't dare sleep with my ex-girlfriend"
"well I can't" I say. "just like you can't say you never dated my worst enemy..." I argue back.
"don't change the subject! I dated Spencer when you hated her – yes, but you… you slept with her after I dated her, while you still apparently hate her. Do you see the problem?"
"yes, I know! It's fucked up! I get it, but I couldn't help it"
"couldn't help it?" she yells. "you've been complaining about her everyday for the last year, and now you sleep with her one time, one time, and everything changes!?"
"it wasn't just this one time…" I start.
"you've slept with her before?" Meg asks.
"what? No! it's just… this whole thing… me and Spencer, it started a week or two ago. Before this weekend"
"so you've been hiding this from me?"
"just like you hid your relationship from me?" I retaliate, and I know I shouldn't get her even more angry, but I can't help it. If anything I'm just digging a deeper hole for myself.
"why, Ashley? Why would you start this knowing that this is how it would turn out? Why would you purposely shoot yourself in the foot?"
"because… I don't know! I just got sucked into her. I don't know what she did, or how she did it, but I just felt the need to be with her, I wanted to do it, I wanted it even knowing how it would affect me" I tell her. "Meg, why did you and Spencer break up… I need to know! It's eating away at me"
"you want to know why we broke up?" Megan laughs. "we broke up because I was in love with her… but she had feelings for you"
"what? I wasn't even talking to her then"
"I know! That's the worst part. I would always talk about you and how important our friendship was, and I don't know… I guess I told her too much because she started to fall for you. And when I told her I loved her, I was returned with a 'thank you'. I knew she loved you but I just didn't want to believe it. So I just… ended things"
"look, Meg, I'm sorry, but that wasn't my fault-"
"-no you're right!" she cuts me off angrily. Something tells me I'm not going to like the next part. "it was my fault for falling in love and it was my fault for befriending someone like you" excuse me?
"whoa, what's the supposed to mean?"
"it means I should have known that you would have gone and done something like this!"
"done something like what?" I yell and I see her look away, already regretting the words that just left her mouth. "come on Meg, tell me, what did I do?"
"…you went for Spencer even though we agreed to drop everything! I agreed to finally try and get over her if you just stopped harassing her! I was trying so hard to get over the person I loved, but it's not easy when your best friend starts sleeping with her, now is it?!"
"I didn't know you were in love with her! You wouldn't tell me a damn thing about what happened between you, so how was I supposed to know!?"
"I didn't tell you because I thought 'what if Ashley goes to talk to her? What will Spencer do? How fast will they fall in love?' and it didn't matter what I did because you two still ended up together, and I can't stand it! I can't stand how perfect you are for each other!"
"what are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about how Spencer is you with blonde hair! She's does the same shit you do, she's perfect for you, and it just kills me…" she says finally breaking down and letting her tears go.
"Megan…" I try but I don't know what to say after that.
"… forget it. Congratulations Ashley, you win the contest. Sleeping with Spencer, what is that? 2000 points? Well good job" she says angrily as she gets her phone from the bed and walks towards the door.
"where are you going? We came here in my car" I tell her.
"I'll find my own way home. Just forget me Ashley. Forget me and fall in love with Spencer, just as fate has planned" she says and shuts the door on her way out.
…………………
I checked out of the hotel a few minutes ago and now I'm walking to my car with my over night bag thrown around my shoulder, sunglasses on. This weekend's been… fucked up, to say the least. But I guess it could have been worse. I mean, someone could have died.
"Aiden, come on!" I hear someone yell. I turn around to see Kyla dragging Aiden away from another group of cheerleaders. Poor guy.
"Aiden" I call out and both Kyla and Aiden spot me.
"hey Ash" Kyla says.
"hey. Aiden, what are you doing here?" I ask.
"oh I drove up to see the finals for Kyla, and I offered to drive her home. My parents let me borrow the Mercedes" he says jiggling the keys a little.
"very nice, but have fun driving home with this one" I say nudging Kyla jokingly.
"hey!" she yells out making both Aiden and I laugh.
"alright, later" I say and wave goodbye as they head to Aiden's parent's car.
As I head over to my car I press a button on the key chain to unlock it and then another button to retract the hood of the car. As the hood is still moving I throw my bag in the back seat, but before I get in the car I see the King High cheerleaders all loading up the bus, but I see Spencer waiting outside.
I hesitantly walk over, not sure what to think or say at the moment. But here goes nothing.
"usually people get on the bus to get home" I say teasingly.
"yeah, well sitting on that bus for the next 10 minutes before it leaves would mean 10 minutes of evil stares and whispers behind your back" she says, not turning to me yet. At least she's talking to me.
"something happen?" I ask.
"did you miss the fight on stage?" she asks, looking at me, then back at the bus.
"right…"
"yeah well the squad blames me for getting disqualified since that girl bumped into me and started the whole thing" I guess that's actually my fault. I mean it was my ex-girlfriend and her jealousy that started the whole thing.
"well hey… you know… if you want… a spot just cleared up in my car… you could hitch a ride with me" I offer and she turns fully to me.
"ride home with you?" she asks, not too sure of the consequences. "I'm not going to get abandoned at some truck stop, am I?" she asks jokingly. "because you know truckers prey on young, innocent, hot blonde cheerleaders"
"no don't worry, no truck stops but we might have to put you and your giant ego in the trunk" I say jokingly as I grab her bag from her feet, and guide her towards my car.
"well I guess the trunk would be better than the bus" she says with a smile.
"good" I say as we get to my car I toss her bag in the back and get in the car as she gets in the passenger side. "let's get out of here"
…………
We've been driving for a while now, not actually speaking is grounds for a great awkward silence. Especially when you just slept with this person like 10 hours ago. I see her pull out her cell phone and start texting someone. Just like all popular kids she is glued to her phone.
She must have seen the look on my face or read my mind because I see her look up at me and smile apologetically.
"sorry, just texting Madison to let her know I didn't get kidnapped or anything"
"hey, for all you know I could be kidnapping you" I say jokingly.
"better you than some total stranger"
"…so what are you telling Madison? …You took a cab home?" I ask.
"um no, I just told her I got a ride home with Kyla…" she says and closes her phone. "so… she found out didn't she?"
"who?"
"Megan" she says as she leans back in the seat looking tired as ever. I'm sure she is, she only got about 2 hours of sleep last night.
"… how'd you know?"
"I kind of figured when I noticed she wasn't in the car with us" she explains.
"yeah, well, I'll talk to her when we get back"
"something tells me it's not going to be that easy"
"yeah, I've got that feeling too" I say, focusing on the road. "it's just this whole thing is a lot more complicated than I thought it would be"
"… which means Meg also told you why we broke up" Spencer says taking her gaze off of me and onto the road.
"she might have shed some light on it…" I say and Spencer looks away shyly. "so… uh, how much of last night do you remember?"
"all of it" she says without thinking twice.
"so you remember getting drunk, and me carrying you back to the hotel?"
"yes"
"do you remember staying up till 4:30am, telling me your deepest darkest secrets?" I ask with a smirk.
"unfortunately, yes" she replies with the same smirk, thinking she knows what I'm going to ask next.
"do you remember…" time to throw in a joke. "going to that strip club and showing me your pole dancing skills?"
"what?! That so never happened" she says with a small giggle.
"okay fine… do you remember what you did… after you spilled your secrets to me?" I ask quirking an eyebrow in her direction.
"don't you mean what we did after I spilled my secrets?" she corrects me telling me she does remember.
"I suppose"
"well yes, yes I do remember"
"that good huh?" I ask teasingly and she gives me alight push. "your silence only confirms my theory" I tell her and she replies with a scoff. Once again, confirming my theory, and she knows it.
"okay, yes, it was good. What ever, things will probably change when we get back so it doesn't matter"
"oh really, and how are they going to change? Are you going to magically forget this morning?" I ask.
"that's not it. I mean we could have hot, steamy, teeth ripping clothes, fogging up windows, screaming at the top of your lungs, sex – right now" she says in her most seductive voice, making my breath hitch in my throat. "but you know that when we get back to school it'll be like none of this ever happened"
"maybe for you, but my life doesn't work that way"
"so what? You're just going to admit to the whole school you slept with your worst enemy?"
"no… but I would admit to the school I slept with Spencer Carlin. Who says you have to be my worst enemy?"
"um, how about the rest of the school?" she says like it's obvious.
"you mean the school that we control? Let's face it Spencer, you control one half and I control the other half."
"it doesn't just work like that Ashley"
"says who?"
"Says me!" she yells now.
"well then it's people like you who are keeping people like us from being together!"
"being together?" Spencer laughs. "since when do you want us to be together? I thought you were all about the sex"
"something tells me you know I'm not all about the sex" and she knows I'm right. I know Meg told her everything about me, which means she knows who I am and why I do what I do.
"well I'm saying what we had this morning, was just sex"
"sex is never just sex!" I yell. "especially this morning. You know it meant more than just that. For you and for me"
"so what are you trying to say Ashley?"
"what I'm trying to say is I know why you and Meg broke up"
"okay, so?" she says like it's no big deal. "so what if Megan told you I'm in love with you?... was in love with you… what ever."
Did she just say… love?
What is it about love that scares us so much? Yeah, it's definitely the fact that we're afraid that someone in this world could actually love us back. But the fact that someone could love me back scares me right there. Because the fact that I used the word 'back' implies that the love is reciprocated. Which only leads me to one conclusion…
I'm in love with her too. It's just as simple as that.
So there it is, I'm sure you all could tell Meg was going to find out with the picture and all, but I thought I would add that little 'love' twist in the end, hope you enjoyed it thoroughly. Lol.