AN: Thank you for all the great reviews, I'm glad a lot of you liked Major Whitlock! Someone PMed about how drastic I was making Bella sound and how I was exaggerating how Jazz and Em are scared of her. First off, read: fan FICTION. It is not really happening in the book (obviously). Second, I have two sisters who have kids (which means 4 nephews and nieces for me) and one that is pregnant now. They were literally crazy, to pt it nicely. I would know that because one of them lived with us through her first two pregnancies. So, um, I'm basing this on my experience with my sisters. You did not want to cross them while they were all hormonal like that. Trust me on that. (Although I doubt either would beat her husband up if he didn't find something for her to eat… :])

Disclaimer (haven't added one in a long time): Don't own Twilight or Harry Potter (Yes, I mention it briefly).

As we reentered the store, we straightened up from our military poses and Jasper took the list with a flourish. He read the item and then did a double take.

Oh my God, would this horror ever end?

"Emmett," he said with a sigh. "Do chickens have fingers?"

"What?" I said, not believing what he just asked.

"Do chickens have fingers?" he asked again, sounding like he might just start sobbing (a contrast from the Military Jasper I just saw). "Bella wants something called chicken fingers."

I really don't like Bella anymore.

"Birds have wings, don't they?" I said through my iron-hard, clenched teeth.

"Yes," Jasper breathed.

"THEN HOW IN PETE'S SAKE CAN THEY HAVE FINGERS!" I yelled. I was getting tired of this. I was not in the mood for anymore games.

Several people closed their ears and child started crying. I guess my voice was louder than I thought. Whatever.

"I don't know!" he cried. "This is so frustrating!"

Suddenly, I spied something in the far end of the store.

"Jasper," I whispered. "Get up and start running outside right now."

"What?" he said from where he had just sat on the ground.

"I think I just saw Melanie," I said, trying not to make any noise and to hide my huge body behind a cardboard cut-out of a cheetah who was holding a bag of… something orange in his hands. Sorry, excuse me: paws.

Unfortunately, I couldn't fit behind it and so I grabbed Jasper and ran. Jasper seemed a bit shell-shocked. I think this shopping trip broke his powers. He is now dead. I mean, you know, more dead than he was before. He's, like, Dementor's kiss dead. I'm a Harry Potter geek, ok? Suck it up. I'm going to stop talking right now.

We ran to a place where they kept toilet paper and a few other female stuff I don't want to think about.

Jasper looked at me with wide eyes. I was starting to feel a bit scared. I guess that that was what Jazzie was feeling.

"What's wrong?" he asked fearfully.

"Melanie," I repeated again. Boy, was Jazz out of it or what?

"Oh, man," Jasper moaned, and he sunk to the floor again in utter despair.

I started to feel all depressed and emo. Let me clarify: Emmet Cullen does not like his emotions to be messed around with. Especially when Jasper makes you feel something dark or moody. I am a sunny positive person. Except if you beat me at any sport. Then I'm just mad.

Anyway. I said, not too politely, to Jasper, "Jasper, you frickin' freakazoid, if you don't stop changing my emotions I will knock your block off."

It is a sign of how depressed Jasper was that he instantly started to try to feel happy. I tell you, this is not Jasper. The Jasper I know would've accepted the challenge and dared me to try and hit him. And then he would've sulked when I beat him. (Because I always do beat him)

I blame Bella for messing up my bro. No, wait. I blame Edward.

"Okay," I said, trying to think rationally. "Chickens don't have fingers, and yet, there are chicken fingers. How is that possible?"

Jasper shook his head tiredly and I thought I heard him sob.

I heaved a sigh and sat down on the ground next to him. We both sat there silently and tried to think of ways chicken could have fingers when they, in fact, only have wings. I hate humans and their stupid food.

"Maybe," I suggested, "they carve chickens into the shape of fingers."

Jazz looked at me strangely for a moment. "Why would they ever do that? That's plain disgusting."

"What?" I said sharply, defending my point. "They are humans! They eat weird stuff! I mean you just saw that they feel completely comfortable eating that strange poking thing!"

Jasper thought about it for a second then he nodded and got up form the floor. "You're right," he nodded. "They probably do eat that. But why would they carve chickens into fingers? Can't they just eat the chicken and get it over with, already?" He asked as he pulled me off the floor, too.

"They are humans," I said again, simply and both me and Jasper nodded. Those three words explained everything.

Now, as we were both standing in the toiletries aisle thinking the same thing: where do we find the finger-shaped chickens?

Suddenly, Jasper pulled me toward the farthest end of the aisle. I struggled against his arms and pushed him away.

"Hey! What do you think you are doing?"

He said one word. A word that could send chills down any persons' back, but especially me: "Melanie"

"Oh my, God, will that girl ever give up?" I wondered.

"Well," Jasper snapped. "If you hadn't lied to her in the first place…"

"Whoa! Are you blaming me for having Little Miss Crazy tailing us around?"

"Damn straight I'm blaming you."

"You are such a jerk," I muttered.

Jasper gave me a hard steady look.

"Take that back," he hissed. Apparently, the feeble Jasper that had been sitting on the floor looking pitiful was nonexistent now.

"Make me," I challenged.

"Oh, I will," Jasper said angrily as he raised his fist. Just as he was about to bring it smashing into my face, we heard a cry:

"HANDSOME!"

As the both of us looked toward the entrance of the aisle, we saw the silhouette of an old, short woman with a bent back and was carrying a cane.

Jasper's eyes grew wider in horror and I looked at him with fear, too. I suddenly remembered where I had seen her before.

Was this isle the crazy fan-girl isle? Why weren't we informed beforehand?

"RUN!" we both yelled, before the aging, decrepit woman could attack.

"But, wait—" she said, as she tried to hobble after us.

I don't think I need to mention that we outran her.

"Safe," I gasped.

We exchanged another look and we both said, grimly: "For now."

AN: Thank you to Kimmy Cullen who gave me the chicken fingers idea (I think it was Kimmy Cullen. Correct me if I'm wrong!). Don't hate me. I know I said this is the last chapter. I'll try to see if I can finish this story soon, but it doesn't look good. I finished this chapter… 9 days ago and couldn't think of any thing more to write. Dang writers' block. :( Don't worry, Bella's reaction is coming. It just might take while.

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