Study leave = more time to write more amusing reviews. Ah, the things I do for you people...
The Moment of Truth (what an obscure episode title)
I – Hey this isn't Camelot!
It's a quaint little village with birds tweeting in the background. Dammit, if I fall asleep and get flirted at by a Dream Lord I'm outta here!
Hmm, all this thatched cottage-ing and people walking around dressed all medievally is reminding me of one of those open air museums/re-enactment things. I like them. They are fun. Some of my friends do that as a hobby. Anyway, I'm rambling...
Oh dear, quaint little village hasn't stayed quaint for long. The cavalry has just turned up. And by cavalry I mean a load of brutes riding horses and swinging swords at the village people whilst laughing and growling in a brutish sort of way. With occasional slo-mo. They are being led by a beardy man who looks a bit like the Sherriff of Nottingham but isn't. He wants to find some bloke and I don't think it's to tell him he's won the lottery. The camera focusing on a woman- some of us might recognise her from episode one as Merlin's mother- tells us she's probably going to be important.
The unlucky bloke is dragged out of a house and thrown to the ground, spilling a load of apples and carrots and stuff all over the ground. What a waste of good fruit and veg.
BEARDY MAN Its harvest time!
Wow, he clearly thinks he's funny. He also wants to know where "the rest of it" is. Presumably he means food but he is being extremely vague.
FARMER I only kept back what we need to survive! What about our five-a-day?
BEARDY MAN Screw you and your five-a-day. When I come back in a week I want all of it, you got it, sucka?
Merlin's mother (Hunith) isn't happy about this and decides to make a snatch and grab attempt at the food Beardy Man has stolen, only to get knocked to the ground. The one man who tries to do something about this gets dramatically cross-bowed by Beardy Man. There are several shots of the villagers looking scared and... Hey, what's Chris from Skins doing here?
Beardy Man and his cronies (who are totally gangsta, innit) ride away, but not before he makes an un-subtle slimy advance at Hunith. We are now completely convinced that this bloke is a slimy git. Chris from Skins doesn't look too pleased either.
Oh look, Camelot. WHAT IS IT WITH THESE REALLY LONG PRE-CREDITS SEQUENCES?
Hunith is in Camelot. So is Merlin. They notice each other and have an adorable hug. Either Colin Morgan is pretty tall or the actress playing Hunith (can't be bothered to look up her name) is pretty short. That's when Merlin notices her black eye, which is a lot more exaggerated than earlier on.
Concerned/angry!Merlin is concerned/angry.
Opening Credits. Why they could have been a minute earlier is beyond me
II – Camelot great hall
Hunith is pleading her case, playing the "starving children" card. Uther is doing the slouch of kingliness in his throne whilst listening to her. Morgana and Gwen are concerned. Oh, and the beardy bloke's name is Kanan, thanks for that. Hunith's black eye looks really... blue.
HUNITH Help us Uther Pendragon, you're our only hope
UTHER Sorry, no can do. Ealdor isn't in my kingdom it's in some other blokes so I don't know why you came here.
HUNITH Our King is a jerkass who doesn't care about us
Hey, she actually used the "our only hope" line. I slipped in a joke too early. Oh well.
UTHER I can't actually do anything in case somebody thinks we are trying to invade that other kingdom so sorry. Is sympathy enough?
HUNITH *leaves*
Sympathy isn't enough then
III – Arthur's once again proving that he's a lot nicer than Uther is
ARTHUR Sorry Merlin. We'd already be kicking those bandit's arses if I were King
Merlin's decided now is the time to drop a bombshell. He's going back to Ealdor. Arthur doesn't seem too surprised. Nice slow music plays in the background as Merlin and Arthur have a little heart-to-heart, because Merlin isn't sure he'll be coming back
ARTHUR Well, you've been terrible (trans: I love you muchly, please don't die or anything). No really, the worst servant I've ever had (trans: If you don't come back I will personally find you and drag you back by your ears, understood?)
MERLIN Thank you, sire
Merlin is fluent in Arthur-speak
ARTHUR Merlin... Good luck
Words cannot express my levels of "aww"
IV – Merlin is packing and Gwen is helping.
Gwen has her hair down today, I notice. It looks nice. Oh, and she's got a sword for Merlin
MERLIN Thank you, that's really good it's very... erm... swordy
GWEN Oooooo...kay.
Gwen is officially weirded out so she changes the subject. Oh, she's packed armour too. I wonder what else she's packed
MORGANA Hi there
Yup, the girls are coming too. Nice. And Morgana's all dressed for the occasion. After some call backs to episodes three and eight, Morgana and Gwen have decided they owe it to Merlin to help him out for a change.
GWEN Also, Morgana did nothing last episode and I haven't done anything for about three episodes so it's only fair.
Gaius isn't coming, but he is acting like my mother when I go on holiday (have you got the food I prepared for you? Have you packed your toothbrush? Make sure you've got spare socks, etc, etc.)
MERLIN For the last time, yes!
Gaius isn't so sure, especially when it comes to Merlin's ability to hold his alcohol.
GAIUS One whiff of a barmaid's apron and you're singing like a sailor.
Now that I would pay to see
Merlin and Gaius have a lovely hug and then they are off into the woods (no singing necessary but if you really want to...)
V – Hunith and Merlin have a little chat by the fire at night
Hunith isn't exactly optimistic about their chances. Merlin is more concerned with making Kanan pay for hurting his mother. Hunith warns him that no one can learn about his magic, as if Merlin hasn't had enough of Gaius going on about that. Hunith goes off to sleep and Merlin whiles away the time by making little dragons out of sparks and teh magics.
A little bit later it seems Merlin can't sleep so he goes off into the woods (still no singing necessary) to check things out, taking his swordy sword with him, just in case. There are copious amounts of fog in the woods. No idea why. Merlin gets scared, the dramatic music swells and suddenly a sword is pointed at Merlin's back. Merlin panics and swings round, almost chopping Arthur's head off in the process.
ARTHUR Put the sword down Merlin, you look ridiculous
Tee hee
Now it's Arthur's turn to chat to Merlin by the fire. Concerned!Arthur thinks Merlin should get some rest. He isn't being exactly optimistic about the whole situation either. But Merlin's thankful he turned up to help, so that's alright.
VI – It's the morning, and Arthur's hair is very bouncy
Merlin's isn't. They ride past some random monk bloke. Arthur's hair goes "Bounce, bounce, bounce."
And the bandits in Ealdor go "snatch, grab, smash. Innit." And some chickens fly about. It's general chaos and Kanan is not impressed.
BANDIT Kanan! I found a stash of food and shit, blud!
A random villager runs past in the background of a très serious scene going "Stay there, stay there." Yup, observation brings interesting rewards. Kanan and the farmer bloke from earlier ignore this, however, because hiding food from Kanan is srs bsns. Kanan kicks the farmer to the ground and is about to do away with him via two-bladed axe (because Kanan is that awesome, blud) when a well aimed sword... Well, it doesn't hit Kanan but it does hit a post next to him, providing enough of a distraction to prevent any innocent farmers from being axed to death.
ARTHUR *rides in to save the day*
ARTHUR'S HAIR *bounce, bounce, bounce*
The bandits run in to try and do away with Arthur and co, a particularly brutish one going after Merlin whilst Gwen takes off her impractical flappy cloak to follow Morgana into battle. Thuggish bandit pins Merlin against the wall. Looks like a time for teh magics!
MERLIN *casts teh magics... making a slightly scary face. Sheesh, Colin Morgan, you can do damned scary things with your face... The gold magic eyes do help though*
BANDIT Argh! Me sword! Ow! *drops sword and runs*
INTERESTED!CHRIS FROM SKINS *is interested*
Meanwhile Morgana saves Merlin from another bandit and finds time to make quips with him about when she used to beat him at duels. Arthur insists that never happened, which of course means it totally did happen.
Kanan is not happy, swearing that they will all pay for this with their lives before riding away. Chris from Skins watches them go then looks at Merlin.
CHRIS FROM SKINS Still up to your old magic tricks? I thought I told you we didn't want your kind round here.
There is unresolved sexual tension for several seconds before they both grin all over their faces and hug each other. Oh, and now I can start referring to Chris from Skins as Bloke-from-that-episode-of-Doctor Who *cough* I mean, Will.
Merlin is quick to quell rumours that he is Arthur's skivvy but good-timing-Arthur *cough cough* is quick to start bossing him around. Except that the resulting conversation makes them sound more like an old married couple. Will seems to have noticed this too, judging by his not-too-pleased expression. Definitely the old boyfriend.
Arthur stands on a well to give an epic speech about being ready for Kanan when he returns. Will is not impressed and tries to out show-off Arthur. Yup, he is definitely the ex. Hunith isn't pleased, as are the rest of the village so Will goes off in a strop, followed by Merlin. Meanwhile Hunith and the villagers decide that if they want to die, they'll go out fighting. Yay.
VIII – Unresolved Sexual Tension ftw
Merlin attempts to bring Will round to liking Arthur by explaining how he thought the prince was an arrogant prat to start with but now he loves him muchly. Will isn't buying it, preferring to dust a medieval mannequin instead. Colin Morgan looks really pale but that might just be my computer quality.
MERLIN Will, don't bring what happened to your father into this
Aha, backstory. So from this we now know that the armour on the mannequin probably belonged to Will's father and he died and it had something to do with kings and knights which is why Will hates them so much.
Merlin insists that Arthur is his friend and he trusts him with his life, which prompts Will to drop a bombshell.
WILL So he knows your secret then?
MERLIN ...
WILL Face it, you're living a lie. You're Arthur's servant, nothing more. Otherwise you'd tell him the truth
And without the magic context everyone knows exactly what this conversation sounds like. DAMN YOU SUBTEXT! DAMN YOOOOOOOU!
IX – Someone decided it was intelligent to put Merlin and Arthur sleeping next to each other. Yay!
ARTHUR So, did you always sleep on the floor?
MERLIN Yup
ARTHUR Must have been hard
MERLIN Yup, it's like rock
ARTHUR I didn't mean the ground
I don't know whether to snigger or melt. Merlin has a nice time describing his simple life in Ealdor. Arthur doesn't like the idea.
ARTHUR Why'd you leave?
MERLIN Things just... changed
ARTHUR How?
MERLIN ...
BRADLEY JAMES *shoves his foot in Colin Morgan's face*
And any self respecting Merlin fan will know that the foot was spontaneous and Bradley James is a genius. Thank you.
Merlin is vague with his answer, saying that he didn't fit in anymore. Once again Arthur is not impressed. It's all very sweet. Merlin blows out the candle and...
X – Good Morning Ealdor (it doesn't really have the same ring as Camelot, to be honest)
Morgana chides Arthur for not being able to put on his own armour (Merlin's doing it for him, of course) and Arthur is not a fan of Hunith's cooking so he shoves it at Gwen. Unimpressed!Gwen is unimpressed. After that the three of them bugger off, leaving Merlin with Hunith just in time for (another) heart to heart.
HUNITH He must care for you a great deal
MERLIN I'm sure he'd do the same for any village
HUNITH It's more than that. He's here for you
AND AGAIN WITH THE SUBTEXT!
HUNITH Give him credit, he likes you
If my head explodes...
Merlin has decided that Arthur only like him because "he doesn't know me, and if he did I'd be dead by now." Hunith isn't so sure. She so ships them
HUNITH You bet *clinks coffee mugs with Gaius and Sparky* Destiny
Colin Morgan makes the most adorable faces.
Will's confronting him again, this time in some woods.
WILL Merlin! Where are you going with that thing? (it's an axe, btw)
MERLIN To secretly murder people. To chop wood, what do you think?
They have a nice little giggle over some incident where Merlin apparently used teh magics and accidentally almost flattened someone with a tree. Then there is more silence and unresolved sexual tension.
MERLIN Why are you being like this?
WILL You know why
Because you don't like Merlin's new boyfriend? Or because you don't like that Merlin has got a new boyfriend? Following this is another "why did you leave" conversation which, without the context of magic, could be about something totally different. As in: "Mother was worried, she found out you knew and she was so angry." Merlin finally gets sick of Will's badgering and tells him about his destiny to protect Arthur. Unfortunately this does not change Will's mind and actually just makes him angrier. So much for that conversation.
XI – did somebody call for a training montage?
Yeah. Arthur trains the villagers how to fight with wooden poles. There is a montage. Merlin wonders around carryng piles of wood. Will hangs around watching and looking generally emo. Gwen and Morgana watch whilst sharpening swords, being pessimistic and upholding feminism.
GWEN Men aren't the only ones who can fight
MORGANA *smiles adorably at her*
Arthur also takes it upon himself to organise sentry duty. Training montage over, Morgana and Gwen turn up to be pessimistic about their chances and argue that the women can fight too.
ARTHUR It's too dangerous *leaves*
Morgana and Gwen exchange annoyed looks but do nothing more about it. Morgana, whatever happened to your badass making-Arthur-agree-with-you shtick?
Later that night Morgana and Gwen (who appear to be sleeping in the same bed, make of that what you will) discuss Arthur being an idiot whilst Merlin listens in
GWEN Why do you think Arthur's here?
MORGANA Same reason we are. Merlin. Arthur may act like he doesn't care but he wouldn't be here if he didn't.
More aww.
XII – Next morning, another pep talk from Arthur
ARTHUR We need to have a plan to help us defeat Kanan
VILLAGERS *blank looks*
SOMEONE OUTSIDE *shriek*
They all run outside to see what the shrieking is about. Oh damn, the poor farmer guy who Arthur sent out on sentry duty has been killed with your typical note-attached-to-arrow-in-the-back
NOTE Have a nice last day. Ha ha. 'Pwned.
WILL This is all Arthur's fault!
MERLIN Wtfridge, Will?
WILL You're all going to DIE!
BRADLEY JAMES *angry face of doom*
Will runs off to his house to start packing. Merlin follows him
WILL Don't bother Merlin, I'm not interested and I'm leaving so I don't get killed and nothing you have to say will stop me
MERLIN But...
WILL If you used your magic then no one else would have to die
MERLIN But...
WILL Coward
Will leaves so Merlin goes to find Arthur, who is sharpening his sword (Mind. Out. Of. The. Gutter.) Merlin decides to tell Arthur (and us) about the important backstory. Will's father was a knight who was killed so Will doesn't like Kings and knights which is why he is acting like such an arse. Meh, but the villagers are used to ignoring him. Merlin is being optimistic. Arthur; however appears to have deflated like a balloon of pessimism. Luckily Merlin is there to talk him into optimism again.
And thus there is another pep talk by a fire.
ARTHUR Tonight the women and children should gather all their belongings and go hide in the woods
GWEN Erm, how about no
GANG OF WOMEN *stand behind Gwen looking badass* Grr
ARTHUR Teh heck?
WILL *lurks in shadows looking emo*
ARTHUR But none of the women know how to fight
MORGANA *cough*
WOMEN Grr
MORGANA'S FACE Bite me, bitch
ARTHUR Oh alright! Anyway, now its time for my awesome speech which will make you all fight awesomely through its awesome motivational power
MERLIN You could have just used a motivational poster or something
ARTHUR Shut up Merlin. Now where was I? Oh yeah- FOR EALDOR!
VILLAGERS EALDOR! EALDOR!
Hooray for heart-warming clichés
WILL You're all gonna die, suckers *glares*
XIII –Merlin and Hunith have another heart-to-heart by a fire
HUNITH Come here
MERLIN Yeah, I'm not six, you know *sits down next to Hunith*
HUNITH *strokes Merlin's face* I do love you, my boy
MERLIN O-kay, this is creepy so... What's wrong?
HUNITH Don't think I don't know that you're planning to use your magic in front of Arthur to defeat Kanan, therefore risking your life
MERLIN Erm, whatever gave you that idea?
HUNITH *hard stare*
MERLIN Look, maybe it's meant to be this way and if Arthur doesn't accept me for who I really am then he isn't the friend I thought he was
If this subtext carries on the brains of several thousand fangirls will melt and dribble out of their ears in a gooey mess.
XIV – Morning. Birds tweeting. Yup, a good day for a battle
GWEN Arthur, let me offer you this peasant food so I have a chance to be angry at you for not understanding a peasant's hard way of life
ARTHUR Erm... Thanks
GWEN Oh, sorry, I shouldn't have spoken to you like that
Gwen. If that hole you are digging gets any deeper you will be in Australia.
ARTHUR Guinevere
GWEN You know, that doesn't sound half as good as when you say Merlin *cough* Carry on.
ARTHUR You're right and you were right to speak up about fighting *grumble*weneedallthehelpwecanget*grumble*
GWEN Erm, yeah. Will you stop being so pessimistic it's driving everyone crazy
ARTHUR Sorry. Thanks
But Arthur's gotta go put on some armour now, and for once he's not relying on Merlin to do it all for him, nope, he's more concerned that Merlin's got his armour all ready to because he doesn't want Merlin to DIE. There are dramatic shots of armour being put on, after which they have swapped positions for some reason. Merlin's having trouble with his wrist-guards, so Arthur gives him a hand. Aww, see, they really do love each other.
ARTHUR You ready?
MERLIN Throat's dry...
ARTHUR Me too. *shakes Merlin's hand for some reason* It's been an honour
MERLIN You say that as if you're sure you are going to die. Stop being such a bloody pessimist for Camelot's sake. Anyway, I have to be cryptic now so, whatever happens out there today please don't think any differently of me
ARTHUR Yup, that was pretty damn cryptic. Anyway, I won't, I mean, it's alright to be scared
MERLIN *inner facepalm* That's not what I meant
ARTHUR Well what is it? If you've got something to say then say it...
The music swells, Merlin looks nervous, Arthur looks expectant, we are all waiting for that eponymous moment of truth and...
MORGANA Arthur
Morgana Le Fay, Ladies and Gentlemen, professional moment-killer.
Arthur leaves with her and Merlin looks even more worried
XV – For Ealdor, or so say the line of men armed with... rakes?
ARTHUR *shakes Gwen's hand* Are you fightened?
GWEN Not in the slightest.
Liar.
They all run round to different places, ah, I see, they've set up an ambush. Arthur and Merlin stare out through a fence aaaaaand...
KANAN AND BANDITS *emerge from forest going "ARRR!"*
They kick down the gates and ride into the village, which appears to be deserted but that's because all the peasants are hiding and they're not planning on springing out yet. Kanan is wearing a funny helmet with fur and a spike on it.
KANAN Teh heck? There's nobody here! Maybe some creepy nursery rhymes will lure them out *cough* Ahem. *sing songs* Come out, come out, wherever you are...
Thanks Mr Creepyface.
And thats when Gwen pulls a string and a giant fence appears in front of the bandits and scares their horses. But wait! Morgana is supposed to be setting it on fire but appears to be having trouble making a spark. Luckily Merlin is there to save teh day!
ARTHUR *whisper-shouts* Merlin! *makes angry face with teeth*
KANAN *spots Merlin running* There's one! Get him!
That was unintentionally kind of comedic...
MERLIN *slo-mo dodges arrows dramatically and finds Morgana* Give me the flints!
MORGANA *hides behind Merlin*
MERLIN *casts teh magics*
FLAMES *are firey*
If Morgana didn't notice that then her eyesight and hearing are worse than we thought. Luckily there isn't exactly time to point that out because the battle has begun! The bandits are trapped by the firey fence
BANDITS Run awaaaaaay!
ARTHUR NOW!
The battle begins and is as violent as you can get without actually showing blood on primetime Saturday night television. Morgana seems to be enjoying herself a little too much. Gwen, for reasons best left unknown, appears to be fighting with one of those paddles that they cook pizza on in fancy restaurants, so... yeah. A woman dressed as a pirate 'pwns a bandit who was about to kill some villager. Morgana is still enjoying herself and showing lots of teeth. Gwen is kicking some bandit ass with that pizza paddle. And Merlin? He's just sort of standing in the middle of it all looking around. Which gives one bandit the opportunity to sneak up behind him...
BIG DAMN WILL *karate leaps the bandit off his horse, dressed in his father's armour. No way thats symbolic, no siree (innocent whistle)*
MERLIN I didn't think you were coming!
WILL Really? You didn't see this plot twist coming from a mile off? Shame on you! *grin*
Will and Merlin then proceed to be badass fighters and kill people whilst back to back. Meanwhile Kanan is slo-mo-ing his way through the village, killing people with his double-bladed battleaxe of doom and roaring. Some villager who-looks-a-hell-of-a-lot-like-and-might-actually-be-(but I can't be bothered to check)-Rory Williams is shoved against the side of a house. As Merlin and Will look around it seems that the bandits are gaining the upper hand, in slo-mo (even though Gwen's actually got a sword now). There's only one thing for it. It's the moment of truth.
WILL There's too many of them
MERLIN Not for he there isn't
Merlin glances at Arthur and then raises his hand. His eyes glow gold. And he creates a magical tornado of dust. And it is awesome.
MUSIC *is epic*
ARTHUR *chooses just that moment to look round and see Merlin and Will standing in front of the magical tornado of dust* What. The. Fridge?
GWEN Holy Camelot!
MORGANA *protects her eyes*
KANAN Oh bugger.
MUSIC *is epic*
HUNITH *falls over*
BANDITS *are thrown into the air and dragged away by their horses*
ARTHUR Teh. Freaking. Heck?
MUSIC *is epic*
BANDITS Run awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! *do so*
VILLAGERS YAY!
The remaining bandits are chased away by villagers with pitchforks and sticks. Will is grinning like a loon. Morgana and Gwen have a hug. And Kanan?
KANAN PENDRAGON! I will fight you in axe to sword combat, but I'm going to remove my helmet first *does so*
ARTHUR Bring it
Kanan and Arthur engage in a fight, in which Arthur quickly disarms Kanan, only to have Kanan kick him in the chest. Nobody does anything to help either of them. Arthur recovers quickly and grabs a sword that was sheathed in the chest of a dead bandit. They fight some more but it is quick, because Arthur manages to stab Kanan in the guts.
KANAN Oh damn *falls over and dies*
ARTHUR Who did that?
MERLIN Erm, who did what?
ARTHUR That magical tornado of dust
MERLIN Arthur...
Looks like it's the moment of truth... Or not, because Kanan isn't quite dead yet. In fact, he's managed to turn over, turn around, grab a loaded crossbow out of nowhere and shoot an arrow. All that must have been quite an exertion because then he dies properly.
WILL No! *leaps in front of Arthur and gets an arrow in the chest for his trouble*
MERLIN WILL!
Merlin and Arthur pick Will up and carry him into a house, whilst Morgana, Gwen and the villagers look on in horror.
WILL That's twice I've saved you
ARTHUR Teh heck?
MERLIN What?
WILL Yeah, I'm the sorcerer.
MERLIN Will, don't...
WILL I used the magic. What you gonna do? Kill me?
He's being incredible positive and/or snarky for someone with an arrow in the chest. Arthur and everyone else leave Merlin with Will to say goodbye, and the rest of the scene is very sad so I won't be too humorous about it because that would be unfair. Will insists that Merlin is great man and thanks to Will he'll one day be a servant to a great king. Oh god and then there is this line:
WILL Merlin... Merlin, I'm scared
And poor Merlin is trying desperately to comfort him and Colin Morgan is crying and Will dies... I'm gonna go curl up in my sock drawer and cry now.
XVI – I'm back. They are burning Will's body
Arthur is saying that he's sorry for what happened.
ARTHUR You knew he was a sorcerer, didn't you? That's what you were going to tell me
MERLIN Yes. It was
Poor Merlin. And now Arthur is having a go at him for not telling him. And then he leaves the funeral. Merlin just stands there all emotionless. Its heart wrenching. Arthur can be such a bastard sometimes and from the looks on their faces Morgana and Gwen agree with that statement.
Hunith comes over to have a heart-to-heart with Merlin in front of the funeral pyre.
HUNITH You'd better be going
MERLIN I don't have to go
HUNITH Yes you do. You belong at Arthur's side. You need each other, you're like two sides of the same coin
MERLIN ... Huh?
XVII – The next meeting of the Merthur fan club
SPARKY So you convinced Merlin to go back with Arthur
HUNITH Yup
SPARKY Awesome
GAIUS Isn't it just?
HUNITH And those boys think we don't notice all the subtext and unresolved sexual tension and the like
GAIUS *chuckles*
SPARKY To destiny?
ALL To destiny! *clink coffee cups*
NEXT TIME There's a bloke in a flappy white cloak with a hood and a staff who is Keeper of the Unicorns. Arthur kills a unicorn. Hoodie-white-cloak-man is not pleased