"Hey, um…Dan?"
Dan looked up from his plate in front of him, placing his fork down and giving Phil a small nod "Yeah, what is it?"
"So every year my family have this sort of get together thing at their house. My whole family always turn up for it and it's just kinda become a tradition over the years. I mean, everyone comes along and we all have just such a great time. My mum even invites over the neighbours so we have loads of people. You could say it's kinda like a party which everyone's invited to"
"A party?"
"I promise it's not as bad as it sounds, it's actually kinda fun. I mean, it's this Saturday and I need to go see my mum again anyway so…what do you think?"
"Well, sure. Your mum seems really lovely and I guess I could use some time away from here" he paused, realising how that could have come across wrong. "I mean, not time away from you. I meant just-"
"Dan, it's okay. I know what you meant" Phil answered with a small laugh, a smile actually making itself seen on his face.
"I think I'd actually really like to meet your mum. Could we leave on Friday?"
Phil just gave Dan a strange look then. He had never seen Dan so dedicated towards anything to do with them. Maybe things were finally changing for the better. Or maybe they weren't. Phil couldn't even tell anymore. He started to doubt his judgment on the whole thing. The fact that he felt so strongly for Dan could have just been making him feel as if things were getting better. But he didn't want to believe that.
"What?" Dan asked, flashing Phil the first real smile the older boy had actually seen.
"Uh, nothing. It's just…"
"Yeah?"
"Nothing. That sounds like a great idea though. I'm sure my mum will be happy to finally meet you properly"
"Yeah" Dan picked up his fork and scooped the last bit of food off his plate. He was about to place it in his mouth before be stopped and looked up at Phil again "I'm looking forward to it" he said softly before chewing on his last bit of food and standing up from the table. "I'll clean up tonight okay? Go get that work that needs done finished"
Phil nodded but didn't move. He heard footsteps and then the tap turning on as Dan started on the washing up, humming softly too himself as he did. It struck Phil as strange that this didn't seem very normal at all. Dan was normally snippy and didn't want to do housework. Of course he did his fair share of chores but it was Phil's night to wash up. Something was off and Phil couldn't quite understand what it was or what was causing it.
/
"It's kinda delusional, isn't it?" There was a silence that filled the air which was soon broken as Phil's uncle placed the shovel in his hands down and faced Phil.
"What's delusional?"
"This whole thing. My belief that Dan might actually feel the same way"
The slightly balding man looked towards his nephew with a sigh before he made his way over and sat down beside Phil. "And what exactly do you feel for him?"
"I…I don't know what I feel. It's something strong which I've never really felt before" he signed, slouching forward on the step he was sitting on "You don't need me complaining about this to you. You've already done so much for me"
"Nonsense. I did what any loving uncle would do. If your brother passes away and leaves behind a confused kid that he fucked up, you've gotta at least try fix it. Your father was the biggest idiot there was Phil. And what he did to you, I don't think I can ever forgive him. I just picked up the pieces he left and glued them back together. Anyone would have done the same"
"I know but-"
"Shh you" he said with a smile, nudging Phil lightly "Now come on, tell me all about it"
Phil was hesitant at first. But decided he really could tell anything to his uncle "I like him, I really do. It's like I'm drawn to him and I want us to be happy, but I barely know him"
"That's not delusion, that's hope. I mean, everybody has those negative thoughts but even having a slight belief that those things are just negative is what hope is about"
"But what if it really is the truth?" Phil asked softly, looking into his uncles kind eyes as he spoke. He always felt close to his uncle. His uncle was what most dads were supposed to be to their sons. He was Phil's superhero. That one person who would tell him that getting a C in Science didn't make him a failure. Or that crying every night because your heart was broken didn't mean you were weak. He taught Phil that not knowing what to do was perfectly okay. He taught Phil that it was okay to be afraid of the future.
"You've just got to hang onto that hope Phil. You're a big boy now. If you want that guy, you go and get him, yeah?"
A small smile tugged at Phil's lips as watched his uncle get up and walk back over to resume his gardening "Yeah"
There was another silence which filled the air then. This silence however felt peaceful and calm. It almost felt as if from those few words lone his uncle had completely vanished that negative atmosphere which seemed to constantly hang over Phil.
"…Phil?"
Phil turned slightly, smiling as he saw Dan standing there in his usual black shirt and skinny jeans. "Yeah?" he asked, standing up so he could face the younger boy properly.
Dan had this weird sort of look on his face as he looked at Phil. It almost looked as if he was trying to figure something out or he was having some sort of inner conflict with himself. He bit his lips before stepping forward and gently taking Phil's hand in his own. A lightly pink blush covered his cheek as he kept his eyes on the floor. "I've got something to show you" he basically whispered, somehow managing to look Phil in the eyes for long enough to utter the words.
Although Phil should have probably been amazed that Dan had done something so bold as hold his hand. All he could think about was how adorable the younger boy looked with those cute little dimples and that blush spread across his face.
"You're supposed to come too" Dan said loud enough for Phil's uncle to hear, who was now watching them with a smile. He just nodded, throwing Phil a smug smile as he passed them and made his way back into the house.
Dan tugged on Phil's hand slightly, making him remember they were also supposed to be going inside. They made their way inside, walking in silence. It wasn't necessarily a bad silence. It actually felt sort of nice. Maybe it felt nice because Dan's hands were so warm. Or the fact Dan kept squeezing Phil's hand when they came up to something like a step, as if he was getting ready to catch Phil if he fell. Either way Phil liked this a lot-
"Surprise!"
Phil's mouth practically fell open as he entered the kitchen, greeted by everyone's shouts. Literally everyone was standing in his kitchen with great big smiles on their faces. His mother had the widest smile as she stood behind a beautifully decorated cake which was sitting on the table.
"Happy birthday, Phil"
/
A matching smile covered Phil's face as he looked around the smiling faces of his relatives. He'd been so busy with work and the whole situation with Dan that he'd almost forgotten about his birthday.
He looked down at their still linked hands as he felt Dan give him a small squeeze. It was strange how that action alone seemed to say a thousands words to Phil. Maybe he was just imagining it. But that simple action really seemed to convey his emotions so clearly.
Although the last thing he wanted to do was let go of Dan's hand, he knew he had to. He carefully slipped his hand out of Dan's and made his way over to his mum. She wrapped her arms around him as he did the same to her. He held her there in a tight hug, still not getting over that they'd put this together for him.
"You and uncle Ken were both in on this then?" Phil asked as he backed away from the hug slightly.
"And Dan too" his mother replied, moving her head slightly in Dan's direction.
That blush appeared on Dan's checks again as he smiled sheepishly at Phil. The grin had once again taken over Phil's face as he made his way back over to Dan. "You- I just- I'm…I don't know what to say"
Dan smiled at Phil's splutters of a sentence and took a step closer. Phil wondered what Dan was doing before he felt a pair of soft lips land on his check. He tensed up, his eyes widening as Dan stayed there for a second before softly whispering just loud enough for Phil to hear.
"Happy birthday Phil"
Phil never would have guessed he could feel so nervous. But why was he so nervous? He was only stood in front of the spare bedroom which Dan was sleeping in while they stayed at his mum's house. He wanted to just knock on the door and talk to Dan, yet somehow he couldn't. He felt awkward and strange just going to Dan's room without a real motive.
"…Dan?" he asked softly, hoping Dan could hear him. He listened carefully for any sign of movement. There wasn't any. "Dan?" he asked a bit louder now, rapping on the door with his hand gently.
Phil smiled as he heard a small surprised yelp and the sound of Dan scrambling to the door. A slightly flustered Dan appeared in the doorway, a faint blush covering his cheeks as he looked up at Phil with wide eyes.
"What were you doing in there to get you so flustered?" Phil asked almost mockingly as he poked Dan's cheek while flashing his signature smile. Dan's blush depended as he looked to the floor with a slight pout.
"I was just writing. It's not what you think" he grumbled, still keeping his eyes on the ground.
"You write?" Phil asked, the surprise evident in his voice.
"No, I mean- It's kinda stupid and girly but…I keep a diary. I like to write about the good things that happen"
"That's not girly" Phil answered, crossing his arms over his chest as he now leaned against the door frame "That's kinda nice actually"
"Really? Like, you don't think it's weird?"
"Of course not. I would keep a diary but I'm that terrible at writing that I wouldn't be able to write anything. My dad never approved of anything he thought of as girly when I was growing up. So I never got to keep a diary or anything like that. I guess I might have still kept one now if I'd been allowed when I was younger"
The atmosphere seemed to shift then. It had gone from this happy feeling to this horrible dullness. Phil always felt he didn't need to talk about his childhood. He was a happy enough kid but realised as he met more and more people that the way he grew up was very different to how other people did. Phil cleared his throat, watching as Dan's eyes shifted from the floor to him again at the noise.
How did Dan grow up? Phil had never actually asked anything about Dan's childhood. He guessed from the younger boys attitude that it was fairly easy since Dan was incredibly stubborn,. Okay he wasn't stubborn all the time but it was definitely one of his traits which shone through the brightest. Phil was interested in how Dan grew up and wanted to ask him so badly but also didn't want to upset the boy by being to personal with him. Dan liked to keep to himself and Dan recognised that. He respected that and of course would stay away to keep Dan happy. But that still didn't satisfy his need to know what exactly Dan had gone through to be like this.
"So uh…what did you want?"
Dan's voice snapped Phil out of his thoughts as he meet the younger's eyes. "Oh, I um- I wanted to show you something"
"Have you made me a cake as well now?" Dan asked with his eyebrow raised as a teasing smile tugged at his lips.
"You wish" Phil answered, being glad the awkward atmosphere had faded away "Come on, please?"
"Fine" Dan huffed dramatically, that wonderful real smile making an appearance again. It really didn't matter how many times Phil saw it. Every time he would fall a little more in love with Dan. Fall in love with that amazing smile and the way his eyes twinkled. He was so beautiful, and that's what hurt the most about loving him.
Phil attentively took Dan's hand in his own, looking into Dan's eyes to see this was okay. Dan looked a little bit startled but nodded and squeezed Phil's hand. He really hoped this wasn't crossing the line because he really loved holding Dan's hand. Holding hands didn't mean anything. Friends could hold hands, of course they could. Because as far as their arrangement went, they were only friends.
They made their way outside, the lights on the ground making it just light enough so they could actually see where they were going. Phil lead them around the back of the house and into a grassy field just to the side of the garden. After a few minutes of walking Dan was wondering where exactly Phil was taking him. They had just been climbing a hill for the last five minutes and it didn't really look like there was anything to show up here. He was just about to ask when suddenly his voice stuck in his throat. The hill had stopped it's upward slope and now in front of them was a sight Dan truly believed could only be in fairytales.
"It's lovely, isn't it?"
"It's…incredible"
Phil smiled softly as he squeezed Dan's hand. This was his favourite place to be as a child. He used to come here at nights and just sit and look at the dark blanket above his head which contained those thousands of sparkling lights. It seemed truly magical if you counted how amazing the view was from up here. The water and sky almost merged in colour, making everything seem surreal and enchanting.
"How did you even find this place?"
Phil looked at Dan then, his heart soaring as he watched the boy's face light up. This sort of look of amazement and wonder shining in those beautiful eyes. Phil felt his smile stretch a little wider as he slowly sat down on the grass, still looking up at Dan. Dan seemed to take the hint and sat down beside Phil.
"This is so beautiful Phil, thank you"
"You don't need to thank me" he shuffled slightly closer to Dan "I just wanted to talk to you and this place has always been just…I don't know how to describe it. As a kid this was my favourite place to go when I was upset or angry. I had a lot of fights with my dad around the ages of twelve and thirteen and this was my go to place when I stormed out"
Dan laughed softly, his eyes still staring over at where the water and sky met "I can't imagine you fighting with anyone. You're just such a calm person. Like, how could you even be a rebellious teenager?"
"I wasn't a rebellious teenager, I was a rebellious pre-teen" Phil explained with a laugh as well. Phil really loved when they had conversations like this. It had only happened once before and there was still that underlying negative feeling there. But now, this seemed like they were actually having a fun, happy conversation.
"You know, I actually just wanted to say thank you, but actually talking to you is so much better"
"Thank you for what?" Dan asked gently, looking into Phil's eyes with a questioning gaze.
"I want to thank you for, well this. You're really trying with this and you're even agreeing to my family's crazy antics. I mean, you didn't need to come here or be on board with the whole birthday thing, but you did and you were. I just- I'm not sure what to say"
"You could have stopped at thank you, it was more than enough" Dan replied, that attitude back as usual. His small smirk turned into a gentle smile as his hand brushed over Phil's "You've been so nice to me from the beginning and I thought that maybe it's time I tried to treat you the same way"
Phil had to try his hardest not to tear up at Dan's words. No one had ever been so nice to him, or admitted to even wanting to try for a long time. "Dan, I-"
He began but was interrupted by the sound of music and a cheer in the distance. They both looked towards the noise, Dan looking uneasy but calming down slightly as he realised what had caused the noise.
"Looks like the party has started then" he said, looking from Phil to the house again before standing up and brushing the grass off his jeans.
"looks like it has. Want to join them?"
"Yeah, lets go"
/
For a family party, it sure was a great sight. Most family parties Dan had ever attended contained of the children playing in the corner while the adults sat about and drank wine and complained about everything. That was the reason Dan hadn't been too sure when Phil's mum had phoned to ask Dan about the party and the whole birthday ordeal.
Dan could tell the moment he stepped in the room that a Lester family party was very different from a Howell family party. The main difference was when they stepped in the room everyone smiled and welcomed them, coming over to give them tight welcoming hugs. Everyone just seemed to be in such a good mood, or so it looked with all the laughter and smiles. People danced excitedly, laughing with massive grins on their faces as if what they were doing actually made them happy. This was a whole new experience for Dan and he was a little bit confused by it.
"Do you want a drink?" Phil asked, motioning over to a table in the corner where a variety of drinks and snacks were laid out.
"But I'm not old enough to drink-" Dan tried to protest but Phil just hushed him and laughed.
"You're nearly eighteen Dan, I'm pretty sure you can drink. I mean, you're legally allowed to drink under supervision from the age of five. Now come on, what do you want?" Phil asked with a cheeky smile.
"I, um. Just some rosé wine, please"
Phil nodded before making his way over to the table to fetch them both drinks. He had to admit that this really did feel like one of the most lively parties they had ever had. He really hoped Dan felt the same and that he would actually enjoy himself. He really did only want to make Dan happy and maybe even Dan just being part of his family could do that. He poured the red liquid into two glasses and carefully made his way back to Dan. Phil may have been a completely grown man but he was still the clumsiest person on the planet. Knowing his luck he'd end up slipping and breaking the glasses. He really was just that clumsy.
"Phil, over here!" Phil turned at the sound of his name, seeing his uncle and auntie standing with great big smiles spread across. He was about to raise his hand to wave when he remembered he had the wine in his hands. He made his way over to Dan as quickly as he could and handed him the wine glass.
"Thanks- what are you doing?" Dan asked as Phil placed his hand on Dan's back.
"Come on, come over and meet my auntie and uncle" was all Phil could say in reply before they actually arrived at his relatives side.
"Phil, it's nice to see you finally turned up" uncle Ken joked as he patted Phil's shoulder in the sort of proud way he always had. "And you're Dan, right? We haven't actually met properly"
Dan nodded, suddenly becoming shy as he bowed his head and looked at the floor. It wasn't that he didn't want to meet Phil's family. He honestly just felt a little weird for being in a place where everyone was being so nice to him. "Hi" he mumbled quietly, heat rising to his checks out of embarrassment.
Phil nudged Dan slightly as he tried to stifle his laugh. Dan may have been beautiful and perfect, but he was also incredibly shy and a little bit embarrassing. "Dan, this is uncle Ken-"
"The best uncle in the family" Ken boasted proudly only to have Phil roll his eyes playfully at him.
"The only uncle in the family since Mum's side is all girls" Phil laughed as Ken pouted slightly "And this is auntie Joyce"
"It's nice to meet you both" Dan replied, holding his hand to Ken. The older man grinned, taking Dan's hand in his and giving him a firm handshake.
As they all stood back and took a minute to just give each other polite smiles the music changed to a slow song. Phil looked around to see the couples which were laughing and jumping about before were now slow dancing peaceful with content little smiles covering their faces.
"Listen Joyce, it's our first dance song. Remember this?" Ken said softly, taking his wife's hands in his own.
"How could I forget, it was only ten years ago" she replied with a laugh, tugging on his hand slightly "Come on then, are we gonna dance?"
Ken laughed and did a little half bow and smiled "Of course, my lady"
Phil watched as they made their way into the middle of the room and began to slow dance. It was then that Phil realised how much he really did miss the romantic side of a relationship. He'd only ever danced on the night of his wedding to a man who didn't love him. A man his father had forced him to marry for reasons Phil still didn't agree with.
All the couples looked so happy and comfortable as they danced. It was truly a wonderful sight. Phil looked over to Dan to see he was also watching the couples dancing. He seemed to sense Phil was looking at him because he turned his head and they locked eyes.
"You know what I'm going to ask you, don't you?" Phil asked flashing Dan a smile.
"I have some idea" Dan replied with a slight smirk.
"And?"
Dan grinned, downing the rest of his wine and placing it on the table next to him "What do you think?"
Phil returned the smile and took Dan's hand in his. Their eyes locked again as they made their way into a space next to everyone else who was currently dancing. Phil raised their hands slightly and placed his other hand on Dan's waist.
As they started to sway slowly to the music, their eyes only on each other was when Phil's really felt that warm feeling in his chest again. Just being here in his family home with a man who could actually possible love him, felt amazing. Their relationship may not have been perfect but in that moment it felt as close to perfect as it could be.