Tuesday

I'm tired. But I'm happy to be home.
It was hard seeing Nate so torn up when I came home but I still wouldn't take back what I did. I think I would have died if I hadn't left. And I learned a lot anyway. It was cool to feel like a big sister. I think I understand my family more now.

Wednesday
I forgot how much I love Jay's cooking. He made us pancakes this morning (you said I could write what I ate for breakfast) and he gave Nate one was shaped like a penis. Apparently he watched some YouTube video about how to make "pancake art" – which I didn't even know was a thing – and he's been cooking penis shaped pancakes for months. He's fucking crazy.
Regardless, it's been nice being back. I missed my brothers so much, even more than I realized. I've been hanging out at the gym with them a lot which has been awesome cause I get to catch up with all our friends but I'm getting tired of being at Dad's already. They still won't let me go back to Jay's. They say that there's not enough room for us all there cause I guess my mom's still over there which kind of makes sense. But it's weird. Nate gets all cagey when it comes up, and Jay's definitely lying. I just don't know why or what about.

Friday
Sorry I didn't have anything really to say yesterday. Not much happened.
Today I have a plan though. Jay and Nate went to the gym after lunch. While they're gone, I'm going over to Jay's house to get the rest of my stuff and sort through it for the clothing drive. Most of it was in boxes at Dad's (and they still won't tell me why!) but there's got to be more left. My copy of Chamber of Secrets is missing and I want to make sure he's still got that and I can't find my St. Elmo's Fire t-shirt.

Zoey put her journal away, grabbed Nate's bike out of the front yard, and headed for Jay's. The streets looked so similar that it was almost like she'd never left. All the street signs and the faded graffiti were in their place. Sunburned tourists with big beach bags and tan locals on skateboards still covered the boardwalk. The homeless lady that panhandled outside the arcade remained exactly where Zoey had last seen her in July.

Zoey could see Pacific Park in the distance, and she ached to be back on the West Coaster with her brothers. She pedaled past it and rode two more minutes down the quieter blocks to the gate.

When she got up to the house, her eyes widened. All the surfboards and punching bags were gone. Gone! The picnic table had disappeared, the weeds had been pulled, and the front door was actually shut. The curtains were missing from her window and they'd been replaced with shutters. What had mom done?!

Zoey pushed open the fence and went up to the front door. She twisted the knob; locked. Great.

Not bothering to be polite, she knocked ceaselessly. The glass in the door started to rattle from her force.

"Jeeeesus," someone inside complained. "Hold on!"

Zoey stopped knocking and stepped back. A guy in a hula shirt and boxer shorts appeared at the door. Zoey's eyebrows drew together in confusion. "Who the fuck are you?" she asked. She blinked, startled at the sound of her own voice.

"I'm Tom," the guy said, pulling his cigarette out of his mouth. "Who the fuck are you?"

Zoey cleared her throat. "Is my mom here?" she inquired. She sounded raspy as fuck, but who cared? She was talking!

"Uh, I think you got the wrong house. Unless Jackie's your mom? But she's like… 25."

"No, my mom is Christina. I'm Zee." When he looked at her blankly, she tried again. "Zee? Did she ever mention a Zoey?"

The guy shook his head slowly. "No, miss, we ain't got no Christinas here."

Zoey was so shocked and bewildered that she didn't even know what questions she should ask.

"Are you at the wrong house?" the guy wondered.

She shook her head and tried for her voice again. It worked. "No, I live here. I've lived here for like. Three years."

"Well, shit, I think you're mixed up. Me 'n Jackie moved in last winter."

"You – you live here," Zoey echoed, pointing at him.

"Yes."

"Well – what. What? Do you know Jay?"

"Jay… he's the… oh the, uh, the mohawk guy, right? Crazy eyes but real nice?"

Zoey huffed a laugh. "Yeah, that's him. He's my brother."

"Yeah, yeah. I met him once. He came by a couple days after me and Jackie got here. Said he wanted to… say goodbye to the house or some shit."

Zoey stood there, staring at Tom.

After a few seconds, he waved a hand in front of her face. "You alright, mama?" he asked.

"Uh, yeah," she muttered, taking two steps back. "Yeah. Sorry to… bother you." She retreated through the grass and picked up Nate's bike.

"Ay, shut the gate!" he called after her. "Shut the goddamn gate!"

She ignored him. She stepped onto the bike, feeling completely betrayed, and headed straight for the gym. She pedaled quickly, all the joy she'd felt earlier sucked out of her. She was hurt and confused, but mostly she was angry. She needed to talk to Jay.

Zoey stalked through the door and up to the cage. She slammed her hand against it to get her brothers' attention. "You fucking moved?" she asked, her voice barely coming out as more than a whisper.

Nate looked to Jay.

"Okay, here. Let's go talk," Jay said, keeping his voice calm.

"So it's true? You moved?" she repeated, anger burning in her eyes.

"How'd you find out?" he asked, undoing his gloves and coming out of the cage. Nate stayed put in the middle of the canvas.

"I went to the fucking house!" she rasped. "Some guy I've never seen answered the door and told me."

"Oh, Zee," Jay said sadly.

"This is why all the boxes were in my room," she realized. And then it was if a switch had flipped; her voice was suddenly broken again. "I can't believe this!" she tried to say, but no sound came out.

She punched the closest beam.

"No, stop," Jay commanded, putting a hand out toward her. "Stop it. We're gonna go talk."

Zoey scowled at him, but he saw right past it to the hurt in her eyes.

"Come on. Let's go sit down, alright?"

She shook her head and turned abruptly. She left the gym as fast as she could.

Fuck.

She biked back to the house, her anger filling her chest. She felt like she couldn't breathe. That house was her safe haven. She'd missed it almost as much as she had missed her brothers. She missed the house more than she had missed her father.

She went upstairs, stomping up the stairs past Lisa, and grabbed her blue notebook.

They fucking moved, she scrawled, her hand trembling. She didn't bother dating the entry; there was too much pain inside of her for her to even think about something as trivial as that. They moved without me and they didn't tell me. I am SO MAD. My heart is beating all wrong and it's like there's a weight on my chest.

"Zee? You okay?" Lisa asked, coming into the room. She watched Zoey frantically scribbling for a moment and then decided to let her be. "I'm downstairs if you need me, okay?" she offered. "I love you."

Zoey felt bad, but she couldn't help herself. It was too much. She couldn't force herself to snap out of this.

I went to the house to get my stuff and some guy came to the door. He was smoking and wearing this dumb shirt and he didn't even have pants on and he said my mom wasn't there and that they moved in during the winter. Jay and Nate moved while I was gone. They moved without me.

I know it sounds dumb but we fucking LOVED that house. It was perfect so I don't know why the fuck they would leave. It was this anomaly cause it had three bedrooms but only one bathroom and I swear it's got to be the only house like that in all of California.

All of a sudden, Zoey was crying. She was never going to get to sleep in her bedroom again. She wouldn't have the wall next to Nate's to tap on in the middle of the night. The floor she'd been raped on was taken away from her, but so was the rest of it. That house meant sanctuary. That house meant family. Late nights on the couch waiting up for Jay, 80s movie marathons with all three of them squished onto Nate's bed, having "slumber parties" on the floor of the living room just because they finally had enough space... She reached for her phone and dialed Lisa, who picked up almost immediately. She must have been able to hear Zoey's quiet sobs over the line, because she immediately came up the stairs.

"Hey," Lisa murmured as walked in. She sat down on the edge of the bed next to where Zoey had been sitting to write.

Zoey leaned into her shoulder and let herself cry. It was more than crying, though; she was grieving for the house.

"What's wrong, huh?" Lisa asked, wrapping a comforting arm around her.

Zoey put down the pencil and passed Lisa the notebook with no explanation. She had no idea whether her writing was even legible, but it was all she could manage to do.

After a moment of staring at the scribbles and deciphering them, the older girl said sadly, "Oh, you found out about the house? Honey, I'm so fucking sorry. Nate was really upset, too."

Zoey sniffed and sat up. She took the notebook back and picked up her pencil. Jay tried to explain it to me but I got so mad I just left, she wrote.

Lisa nodded. "I would have been really mad, too."

It was my home.

After Zoey cooled down a little, Lisa texted Jay to let him know what was going on. He came over without Nate and sat down in the kitchen across from his little sister. She stared at the table as he spoke.

"When you left," he said, "I think all of us got a little lost." He fell quiet again for a moment. Then he softly cleared his throat and continued, "We were afraid of why you left. We were worried about what was happening to you and where the fuck you were. We also had no fucking idea whether or not you were coming back. We always hoped… but we were too scared to assume that you were. We were also too scared to assume that you weren't. So…" He sighed. "When Mom suggested – well, insisted – we move, it seemed like… the right thing to do, I guess. I thought she knew better than me and Nate did."

Mom? Zoey thought. Of fucking course. She ruins everything.

"But Nate really fucking fought me on it. Because of you, actually. He always said you were coming back. I knew he wasn't really sure, but I think he fucking had to believe it, you know? I don't know how he could have kept going otherwise. Hey, did you see his new tattoo?"

Zoey nodded.

"I thought that was pretty fucking sweet. But yeah, like I was saying - he wanted to make sure your room was there and that there was space for you if - when - you got home."

Jay hung his head.

Zoey waited as patiently as she could for him to continue.

"The new house only has two bedrooms," he said slowly. "One for mom, and I made Nate take the other one."

Zoey knew her face was showing a mix of shock and anger, but she couldn't help herself. She knew exactly where this was going.

"I've been sleeping on the couch. We've only been there a few months, so it's not that bad, but… I mean, it's not great either. And that's why…" He sighed again. "That's why we've all been at Dad's this week. I mean, yeah, Mom was part of the reason; I know you're not ready to be back with her right now, and Nate's definitely enjoying his time away from her." He snorted softly to himself. "But he's been staying here sometimes anyway because he fucking wants me to sleep in a bed, and he knows I'll sleep in his room if he's gone."

Zoey shook her head. E, she signed, glad Jay couldn't understand it.

He smiled sadly at her. "I don't know what that means, monkey."

She nodded knowingly. So there's nowhere for me to sleep? she wanted to ask, but Jay wasn't done.

"Nate pushed so fucking hard for me to stay in that house. He kept asking what were we gonna do if you came back to the house to find us and we weren't there… you know, he wouldn't even fucking help me move. Made me pack up your entire room and mine alone. You know how he is." He shook his head. "But whatever, it's done now. I'm sorry you had to find out like that. I just didn't know when was going to be the right time to tell you."

She shrugged dejectedly.

"So if you wanna stay here at Dad's with Nate like you've been doing, that's totally fucking fine. I can stay too, or not stay… it'll probably depend on the day like it already has been. I like being here with you and Nate, though. I missed you."

She nodded.

He looked at her tiredly. "You're not talking anymore?" he prompted.

She shook her head and tried to speak. Again, nothing came out.

"It comes and goes, huh?"

She nodded.

"Well, we'll work on it. Therapy helped, though, right?"

She nodded. And truth be told, she thought that writing in that little journal had helped, too. Even just stupid stuff, because it was finally coming out of her. Nothing had made its way out in so long in any way, verbally or otherwise. Maybe Sam was right; maybe she couldn't keep all her thoughts bottled up forever. Just because she hadn't snapped yet didn't mean she wasn't going to.

"Good. I think that's gonna be real fucking good for you."

Zoey agreed.

"Well… you want a snack? Free food," he said, motioning to Dad's refrigerator.

She smiled a little and shook her head.

"Okay, well I do. I'm gonna make a sandwich with every fucking condiment and kind of meat and cheese I can find, and then what do you say we watch some TV?"

That was his way of seeing whether or not she forgave him. She thought for a moment and then nodded. It's not like she finally came home only to get pissed at him all over again and hold a grudge. Like he said, he'd only been doing what seemed right at the time.

"Cool," Jay grinned.

Zoey motioned upstairs and then went to grab her notebook. She brought it down to the coffee table and continued writing – much more neatly – in her notebook.

Okay. So I talked to Jay. Things make a little more sense now. I'm not happy about it but I guess I feel a little better about it.
My voice came back cause I was so shocked when the guy answered the door but it's gone again now. I don't know why. That part is frustrating. But Jay and I aren't in a fight. We're actually going to watch tv now which will be nice. I haven't gotten to hang out with him by myself since I got back.

"You ready?" Jay asked, coming in with a plate and a large cup filled to the brim with soda.

She held up one finger and kept writing.

Lisa helped me when I was upset. (That's my dad's girlfriend, the lady that called you). She's going to have a baby soon and we're all excited about it. That was definitely the biggest surprise when I got back. Well, except for the move. But I'm going to have a half-brother! I can't wait. I love kids. I think I'll be a good big sister. I got a lot of practice at the shelter.
After Jay and I watch tv I want to start sorting my things and send some to the shelter and start the clothing drive. I'm hoping I can bring some stuff down to the gym so people can see it. Maybe if I put my own stuff there it'll look like more people have donated than they actually have. Ellen used to do stuff like that at-

"That's from therapy, right? From Sam?" Jay inquired, watching her scratch her pencil over the paper.

She nodded.

"Is it helping?"

She nodded again.

"Looks like you have a lot to say. We should have gotten you one of those a long time ago."

Zoey shrugged and put the pencil down. Even though she'd been in the middle of the sentence, she felt bad about neglecting Jay. She shut the book.

"You done?" he asked. "Don't fucking stop on my account. It's kinda cool seeing you like this."

She punched him lightly on the shoulder and sat back on the couch, getting comfortable. Jay grabbed the remote off the coffee table and clicked through the channels. "Oh my fucking GOD," he grinned, settling on a familiar family sitting at their old, wobbly kitchen table.

"Yeah, Mom, we know," the girl on the screen was saying. "You've told us this story a million times. You felt sorry for him, so you decided to go with him to the Fish Under the Sea dance."

Jay joined in, putting on a funny accent. "No, it was the Enchantment Under the Sea dance," he quoted, barking a laugh. He turned to his sister. "Ugh, fuck yes. We haven't watched this since before you left!"

Zoey smiled and kicked her feet up on the coffee table – good thing Alvey wasn't home to see that.

Lorraine McFly finished talking, and then George burst into that horrible chuckle that had both Jay and Zoey smiling.

"Oh god, I love him," Jay sighed. "Lemme text Nate and tell him to come over."

Zoey put her hand out and stopped him, though. She loved Nate, she really did, but she was aching for some one-on-one time with Jay. "Just you," she whispered.

Jay looked at her and nodded. "Okay. Just us."

"Missed you," she added.

He tucked her into his arm and squeezed. "I missed you too, kid."