A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing! Before anything else, I'd like to mention that Sasuke's weight in Part II of the manga is listed as 52.2 kilograms, or 115 pounds.
Also, I'm sorry for not updating in nearly a year. I was so incredibly disappointed by the Naruto ending that I lost motivation to write this fic, and as you read it, you will see why. I wrote the bulk of this chapter before the series ended, but I'm trying to remember how great the series was up until the last two chapters plus Gaiden, so I'll continue to write this until the end.
I also got a lot more comments from guest reviewers than usual, and I just wanted to say that I love getting thoughtful constructive criticism, but I rarely take suggestions. While this fic will include NaruSasu, it is ultimately an understated story about Sasuke's mental collapse, so NaruSasu is simply just an element.
"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel."
- Anonymous
Bzzz! Bzzz!
The buzzing of my alarm clock cuts through my sleep, and fatigue weighs heavily inside my body. The last thing I want to think about is having to get up today, and if I could, I'd just stay in—
A sharp pain slices through my head, and my eyes shoot open. My room is pitch black except for the moonlight passing through the curtains, as well as the light glowing from the display on my alarm clock: 4:45 A.M.
Another day, another headache.
Groaning internally, I shut the alarm clock off, slide out of bed, and switch on my bathroom light. It flickers briefly before revealing my grey face within the cracked glass. I still haven't bothered to replace the broken mirror, but it reflects enough for me to know too well what I look like. It looks like no amount of exercise after school has helped me become stronger — I actually look worse — so I've had no choice but to wake up at this ungodly time to have even more time to exercise. One and a half hours of running, then one hour of strength training in the morning should help me finally look the part I'm supposed to play in this broken family. That is, as long as I stick with my exercise schedule in the afternoon too. I can't let bruises and broken ribs stop me from achieving my goals, even if it hurts.
After using the toilet and splashing some water on my face, I step onto the metallic scale beside the bathroom counter. Wincing, I watch the numbers soar higher and higher, piling on top of each other, each additional digit another strike against me. Then, the numbers finally stop, leaving a three digit number displaying on the screen.
One hundred and two pounds. That's about forty-six kilograms.
A weight lifts off my chest, and I suddenly feel so much lighter; I've managed to lose six kilograms. This hasn't been all for nothing. I'm getting somewhere. Finally, I'm starting to do something right. Maybe Father will start to see me as his son again. Maybe everything can be fixed.
But then I catch a glimpse of myself, my face, my body, out of the broken mirror, and something isn't right. I thought I'd finally see progress and be happier, but the weight sets back in; I still look terrible. My face is blotchy, my hair is a mess, and I look so heavy.
Weak.
This isn't enough. I need to lose more. If I can just lose a few more kilograms, it will be enough. I'll be strong. I'll finally be satisfied.
Another wave of agony shoots through my head, and I yank out my pills from the medicine cabinet and shove one down my throat. My migraines had been nearly nonexistent up until recently, and even the doctors back in Japan told me that they should have disappeared by now, but they've been coming back in waves lately. This headache isn't nearly as bad as the migraines I used to get, but it's a dismal reminder of them. I can't afford to have a headache today; the Hyuga Christmas party is tonight. I need to make sure I get in some extra practice before then because, while it has been easier to play with the rental violin, I'm still not satisfied. Neji actually almost smiled at the last rehearsal though, so if I can at least satisfy the Hyuga Clan, and by extension, my own family, maybe I can let this go more easily.
After brushing my teeth quickly, I throw on a long-sleeved shirt, sweatpants, and sweatshirt. They've stretched out recently, so I need to go buy new clothes, but for now they're some of the warmest I have. Now that it's December, even though it's still green outside, it's getting colder. I always hope I'll warm up if I run long enough, but it never seems to work. I researched what the weather was like here before moving from Tokyo — it's supposed to be slightly warmer — so I didn't invest in winter clothing, but it's always freezing lately. It's probably because I live by the ocean, plus it's so early in the morning when I go running.
Silently, I twist open the doorknob and tread down the stairs to the main entrance; I have to make as little noise as possible so I don't wake Father up, especially since he doesn't know I leave the house at this time. After I fish my keys out from my pockets and unlock the door, I slip outside, and the frigid air immediately sends chills through my bones. I have no choice though; I have to do this.
I start off with a brisk walk before taking off into a run. The air freezes my lungs, and my body feels so heavy, unwilling to fight gravity anymore, but I've already committed myself to this. I have to do this, or everything will fall apart.
The ocean stretches out on my left for as far as I can see, so black that I can barely tell it's water. The sky is dark to the point that it doesn't even look like dawn is approaching, and the area is deserted — there aren't even any cars on the road. While there is a lot of crime in this city, this place is so far from the core that I don't have to worry too much about being out this early. The only thing of value I'm carrying anyway is my phone — I need to keep track of time to make sure I get home with enough time for strength exercises and getting ready for school.
I keep running without a destination in mind, just focusing on the sound of my feet crushing fallen leaves and —
The world starts to fold outward and fall away from under me. The stars are whirling, the darkness is swallowing me, I think I'm flailing around trying to not let gravity get its way shit
The wave of panic runs its course through my veins, and my feet somehow manage to plant themselves back onto the sidewalk. I sigh with relief. If Naruto were here, he'd probably laugh at me before asking if I was okay.
Naruto.
I grit my teeth and continue running. I don't know why that guy keeps popping into my mind lately, but it's getting annoying. Maybe the fact that he knows so much about me bothers me. I hate how I can barely look at him anymore — I can only stomach his face for a few seconds at the most before it's too uncomfortable to look any longer.
Suddenly, the sound of my stomach gurgling cuts through the pounding of my footsteps, this time too loudly for me to ignore. I had been trying hard to not pay any attention to my hunger, to pretend that it didn't exist, but even my body is turning against me. My insides feel like they're burning away, but I can't eat anything until lunchtime now — I'm trying to restrict my calorie intake as much as possible. I just have to hang on and remember that something good will come out of this. I need to focus my thoughts elsewhere.
Nii-san is back for Christmas break next week. He'll be here for a few weeks before he has to go back for university, but it'll be nice to see him. I wonder if we're going to do anything for New Year's this year.
I shiver. It's too cold to get lost in my thoughts.
My head is still throbbing, and my lungs are aching when I finally decide to switch on my lock screen to check the time. The display, 5:43 a.m., lights up the darkness around me, and I slow my pace to a halt. I can afford a two minute break before running back home.
My breath manifests within the cold air as billowy tendrils, and I revel in the silence as I look around. The average-sized homes in this neighbourhood look familiar, but all the lights are out except for one in the house in front of me. It's difficult to see in the darkness, but the arched windows are uncommon, and the triangle-shaped roofing looks archaic.
Naruto's house.
I immediately turn my back to it and start to walk away before transitioning into a run. I hadn't intended to come here — I just ran wherever my legs took me — yet I ended up here. What is wrong with me lately? I used to think he was so annoying, so attention-starved, but…
It's like he is starting to get to me.
I bite my lip as I continue running back. Maybe if I run fast enough these thoughts will stay behind.
"Are you okay?"
Groggy, I lift my head from my desk, my eyes still half closed — the lights in here are too bright. When my eyes finally adjust, they focus on pink hair, and I see Sakura looking down at me with that same expression she always has when she looks at me. Pity. Contempt.
"I'm fine."
After I finished exercising, showering, and making lunch this morning, I still got here in time for first period, but it feels like the day should be ending instead of just beginning. My bones ache, my muscles hurt, my stomach burns, and my eyelids refuse to stay up, but I have no choice. School is more important than sleep.
"All-nighters are really bad for you," she says as she takes her seat beside me. "Maybe I'm just being a broken record now, but you should go home. I…" her cheeks flush. "I could walk you home, if you're okay with that."
I rest my head back on my desk facing away from her. "No. I just got up too early."
The classroom door behind me is thrown open, and with that kind of enthusiasm, I know it must be Naruto. I tense, awaiting his noisy greeting, and he always lives up to expectations.
"Morning, Sakura, Sasuke!" he says as he practically leaps into his seat in front of me.
"Hey." She smiles at him, and, for the first time, it almost looks genuine.
And then he's silent.
He just sits in front of me without saying anything about what he did last night, what he wants to do together over the weekend, how we should play video games over at his house sometime, nothing. It's like the world has fallen out of orbit. Naruto is never this quiet. He walked in normally, but maybe it was all an act. Something must have happened. This silence is too out-of-character otherwise.
I reach out and poke him in the back — his back is so warm. "Hey, idiot."
Naruto only half turns, barely enough for me to see his face, but I can see his ears clearly. They're bright red.
"Hey," he says, then turns back around.
"Is everything okay?" Sakura says to him.
He smiles at her. "Yeah. I just have some stuff on my mind."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Naruto's expression is, for the first time, difficult to read. He is smiling, but something about it looks forced. I wonder what's wrong with him. I never thought I'd think this, but it's almost irritating that he isn't his usual self. It just feels…unnatural.
Panic swallows me someone is grabbing me don't —
"Aww, no need to be so shy, Sasuke!" a feminine voice says from behind me, and the set of arms gripping my back release me.
"Ino-pig." Sakura sticks her tongue out.
"Just you wait, Forehead Girl!"
Their bickering fades away into the fog as I fold my arms onto my desk and put my head down. The darkness ebbs away the edge of my headache, and it almost feels like I'm floating, like I'm disconnected with the rest of the world.
Squirming, I sit on my knees in front of Father and stare at the ground. I grip my pants in my hands and peer up at him. Even though I got perfect scores in everything, he still has that stern look on his face. Did I do something wrong? Did I read my report card wrong? Did I —
"Well done."
For a second, it's like time stops. I raise my eyes from the floor and meet Father's gaze, only for the remnants of hope inside me to crumble. I had hoped he would be smiling, but he looks as cold as always. His eyes betray no emotion, and his mouth is set in a permanent frown.
"If you keep this up, you could eventually catch up to Itachi," he says. Without another word, he stands from the table. I stare back at the tatami mats, so I don't see him leave, but I hear him shut the shoji door closed.
His words sting my eyes, and I bite my lip. I know Nii-san is perfect at everything — he's only eleven, and he's already completing work at the high school level — and he does it effortlessly, but what more do I have to do for him to acknowledge me and pay attention to me? I try so hard, but he doesn't see me as anything but his second choice. Why can't he? I'm the only kid that got straight A's out of everyone in the first grade.
First grade?
"Great job, Sasuke!" Nii-san smiles from across the room.
I grin. "Nii-san, let's go play hide-and-seek! You'll play with me, right?"
What's going on? Why am I like this? Nii-san is so tall —
Nii-san sighs, but gestures for me to approach him, so I hastily stand and race toward him. Just as I'm about to finally reach him, he lifts two fingers, and —
"Ouch!" I rub my forehead.
"Maybe next time." He smiles, removing his fingers from my forehead, but then turns and leaves me too.
I'm all alone again.
I'm vaguely aware that none of this can be real, that I'm supposed to be sixteen-years-old, but at the same time, I'm going through the motions. I can't help myself.
"Sasuke!"
I freeze.
My nose is burning, and a ball of anxiety, hope, and despair lodges itself inside my throat. The voice is coming from the other side of the door, and I can't bring myself to open it, but at the same time, it's all I want to do.
I slam open the door, and Mom bursts through.
"You did so well!" She says, smiling gently. "How about I make you some dango (1) for dessert? I know how much you love sweets!"
But then a giant hole, this dark abyss, opens up beneath me, and before I can even look up at Mom, I'm falling. I don't even have time to feel fear when her warm hand grasps mine without warning, and when I look up, her face looks panicked.
"No, Sasuke!" she cries, and then the image flickers. Suddenly I'm the one sitting outside the hole, barely able to hold on to Mom's hand as her legs dangle within the darkness, and tears slide down her cheeks. She loosens her grip on my hand, and then she is falling, falling, falling…
"MOM!"
The darkness swallows her whole.
She's gone. She's gone again, and it's all my fault.
"You killed her." The darkness rises from the ground, the Monster, and it staggers toward me. Suddenly, my foot gets pulled down into the ground, and I fall backward, the hardwood floor of my bedroom slamming hard against my back. The Monster's eyes flash red, and hot saliva drips from its fangs, but I can't get up. I try and try to sit up, but I keep slipping, barely able to get even an inch away, and —.
Smack.
There is a wall behind me. There's nowhere left for me to go.
The monster hisses, raises its claws, and —
Someone races in front of me, their arms open wide, shielding me from the Monster. Blond hair sticks up unevenly, and even though he is in the school uniform, the orange fabric of his T-shirt is visible beneath the protocol white dress shirt.
He turns around, and his unwavering blue eyes stare at me. "Hey, are you all right?"
A heavy weight lands on my back, sharp, and I tense. After having slapped me on the back, Kakashi walks by, his one visible eye trained on the novel he is reading. "All right, class is starting."
Class?
That's right.
I look up to see Naruto still staring at me, but this time sitting in front of me. We're in psych class. This isn't my house in Japan.
"Are you all right?" he repeats.
It was all a dream. It's okay.
My heart is still pounding, wanting to break open my ribs, and no matter how many breaths I take, I still can't get enough air. Sweat prickles my forehead, and I could use my inhaler, but I don't want to use it during class. I'm such a mess.
Naruto's eyes bore into me, and it almost looks like he actually cares about me. I know I should say something to him, but I can't find the right words, and clearly he can't either, because all we can do is just stare into each other's eyes without speaking. The area under Naruto's eyes is darker than usual, but his eyes seem as bright as always.
The seconds feel like hours, and Naruto suddenly stiffens, then swerves around to face the front. My heart still won't calm down, and my face is burning, but enough anxiety drains from inside me that I can take out my binder, focus, and breathe again. I hastily fix my shirt collar to cover up the bruises on my neck in case it shifted in my sleep, then relax.
I can't believe I let myself fall asleep like that. That was so undignified. I can't be this weak.
And I hate sweets.
The next hour and a half passes quickly, and the adrenaline from the dream both kept me wide awake and ebbed the hunger away. As the bell rings for second period, I sling my backpack over my shoulders — ouch — and wait for Naruto to turn around, to flash his trademark grin and start blabbering nonsense to me as we walk to math class, but when he stands up today, he keeps his eyes glued to the ground and rushes past me.
"Sorry, gotta go! See you upstairs!" he says quickly before rushing out the classroom door.
"He's been acting weird lately, but this is really weird," Sakura says as she grabs her own backpack. "I'll try to talk to him at lunch."
I start walking toward the exit. "If he wouldn't say anything now, what makes you think he'll tell you anything later?"
"Maybe he'll have resolved whatever is going on by then, and if not, I'll talk to people and find out if they know anything," she says as she falls in stride with me, and then her face flushes. "Also…I was wondering. You know how the Hyuga Christmas party is tonight? I was thinking…maybe we could practice together after school in one of the practice rooms."
It's always good to practice with someone else since the performance will fall apart if we don't play in time with each other, but I also don't want to lead her on and make her think I'm reciprocating her feelings when I'm not — we're just classmates. She has to be smart enough to realize that rehearsing is only rehearsal and nothing more.
"Fine."
Her cheeks turn an even darker shade of red, and her eyes nearly twinkle when she smiles. "Okay!"
We go our separate ways after we reach the third floor — I have math here, and she has biology upstairs. As I step inside the math classroom, I see Naruto sitting in the back by the window staring outside. I clench my fists; since when has he been so pensive? I couldn't care less if Naruto ignores me or not, but he was the one who wanted to be friends with me in the first place. What was the point of all of this if he is just going to ignore me now? The seat beside him is still open, but if he's going to act this way, there is no point in sitting beside him. At the same time, if something is wrong…I shouldn't just ignore him either. He has tried to help me too.
I drop my backpack onto the floor beside my desk, grab my pencil case and calculator, and take my seat beside Naruto. I think I see him tense, and he flashes at me the ghost of a smile.
"What's going on?" I ask. "Sakura's worried."
"It's nothing serious," he says, staring at his desk. 'I just have some stuff to think over."
"Since when do you ever think?" I attempt to joke, but it comes out more harshly than I had intended.
"I'm not stupid!" He swerves to look at me, but as soon as our eyes lock onto each other's, he stiffens and immediately stares out the window again. "I just…have some things to think about."
The bell rings.
"Okay, settle down," Asuma say from the front of the class. "I'm distributing the tests now. Don't turn them over until I say so."
I can't get distracted just because Naruto is acting strangely today. I have to get to work.
As soon as Asuma lets us, I flip over my test paper and scan over all the questions. Probability isn't difficult, but the test is only three pages, so there are likely some challenging word problems at the end.
The first few questions are easy — it doesn't take more than a few buttons on my calculator to solve questions like 8!(2!) — and even the first few word problems are harmless. Then, I read over the last question.
Students are given an exam with seventeen questions and must answer twelve of them, including at least five from the first six questions. How many possible combinations of questions could a student potentially chose to answer?
I read it again.
The sound of people furiously pressing their calculator buttons and scratching down their answers fills the room. The faint scent of tobacco drifts by my desk, and I continue to stare at that last problem.
This is one of those advanced questions designed to make students extrapolate based on what they learned in class. It shouldn't be difficult. It's just a matter of remembering what I learned and taking it a step further to prove that I truly understood the material. It wouldn't be on the test if it was something we couldn't answer. It's obviously a question concerning combinations, so I just need to go from there.
My heart is thumping painfully against my chest. Is this because my English isn't good enough? Did I not study enough? Did I just not understand everything fully? I've never enjoyed math, but I'm usually decent at it.
The question shouldn't be this hard. I just need to go through the question step by step until I arrive at an answer. I don't have time to think about anything else. It'll be okay.
I can't allow it to be anything other than that.
Gloom weighs me down when the bell finally rings — I'm usually so much more confident about my tests than this. Still, the logic behind my answer seems sound, so now I'll just have to wait and see. I can't let this consume me; I have too many other things to think about.
I'm just about to hand in my test when a flash of yellow bursts by me and out the door. I don't understand what is wrong with Naruto today, but I'm going to find out. Once I put my mind to something, I always get my way.
Surprisingly, Naruto isn't at the usual table in the cafeteria. I stand a few metres away from it, just close enough to be able to spot spiky blond hair and a messily worn uniform if there, but all
I see are Sakura and Ino laughing carelessly, Kiba arguing with that bug guy from my physics class, and Shikamaru —
He's noticed me.
Shikamaru is looking straight at me, his face passive. It's not like he cares whether I eat lunch here or not, so it doesn't matter. I only eat here because it's more comfortable than on the floor in some hallway. It's easier to study at a table too, though I'd rather study in the library if it weren't for the fact that no food or drink is allowed there.
"Sasuke!" Sakura's cheeks go bright red as soon as I take my seat in front of her. She immediately turns to look at Ino, and they start to giggle.
"What a surprise to see you here," Shikamaru says before yawning. "Looking for Naruto?"
"Yeah."
"I think I saw him upstairs near the music room," Ino says, then bats her eyelashes. "Want me to take you there?"
The pink-haired girl jabs Ino in the ribcage. "I saw him hanging around by the music room on my way here too. Kinda weird, but I'm sure he'll be down here any second now."
Even though I stopped by my locker to put some textbooks away, I didn't see Naruto anywhere near the music room. He must have been near the other stairwell.
"I'm going to go look for him," I say.
"Okay." Sakura deflates for a moment, then perks back up. "Want us to watch your stuff for you?"
As if on cue, my stomach growls, and I feel a pang in my stomach. The hunger has come back in full force — it feels like my stomach is ready to eat itself any minute now if it doesn't get any food. I'll feel nauseous if I don't eat something soon, and I'd rather eat here anyway, so I might as well take Sakura up on her offer. I set my backpack onto the table and nod at her. "Thanks."
Girlish laughter explodes the moment I leave the table, followed by chatter that is probably supposed to be whispered, but is loud enough for me to hear over the bustling of the cafeteria. I'll never understand girls.
I get off on the main floor and head toward the music room down the hall while trying to ignore the stomach acid that is about to burn everything inside of me. The hallway is as quiet as usual with the exception of some muffled yells from inside the gym, and I still don't see Naruto anywhere. I turn the corner and —
"R-r-r-r-eally?" someone whimpers.
I stop. That pathetic voice wouldn't belong to anyone besides Hinata.
"Yeah. I don't have any experience with girls, but, uh, I really like you."
No.
Standing on the steps leading to the music room are Naruto and Hinata, the latter's eyes downcast and face looking ready to explode. I can only see the back of Naruto's head, but already my body and chest turn to stone. I know what's happening here. I know what's happening, but my feet won't move. I scream at them to just let me get out of here, to let me leave, but nothing happens, and I have no choice but to watch.
He scratches the back of his head. "Uh, yeah, so, will you go out with me?"
Her eyes snap up. "O-Of course!," she says, and then her face turns an ever darker shade of crimson.
Naruto reaches out for her hand, and Hinata gingerly takes it before they start down the stairs, and when he looks up —
I'm already gone. My shoes squeak against the rough tiled floors, but it does't matter as long as he doesn't see me. I crash through the exit doors, then let them close behind me as the cold sets into my bones and the emptiness inside me.
I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. I shouldn't feel anything anyway. This doesn't affect me. Naruto has the right to date whomever he wants. His love life doesn't concern me.
Then the cold turns into boiling rage, and my hands clench into fists. Why the fuck are Naruto and Hinata dating? Naruto isn't supposed to be with her. It makes no sense for him to be with her. He didn't even know she liked him. He barely even knows her. For him to date her when it took so many years for her to even talk to him, let alone defend him when he was alone and hurting for so long…
He deserves better.
And I'm empty again.
My phone vibrates inside my blazer pocket. My hands are numb from the cold, and I fumble with the phone in my pocket before finally pulling it out, only to see a preview of a text from Sakura.
Naruto's back, so you can come…
I shove my phone back in my pocket. I don't even need to read the full text to know what she has to say.
Why do I feel like this in the first place? So he is dating a girl now. It shouldn't mean anything to me. I should probably even be happy. He was always alone until now, and now he has someone who loves him.
He better not have seen me, but if he did, I don't know what I'll say to him when I see him again. Just pat him on the back and congratulate him? Tell him how happy I am for him when I don't know if I'll be able to stop myself from strangling both Naruto and Hinata when I see them?
Why am I even thinking things like that?
The sky is overcast, and the air is so cold that I wouldn't be surprised if it started snowing. My body is aching more than ever, and suddenly I'm overcome by a wave of nausea. I collapse onto my knees, holding my stomach in hopes that it won't empty out its contents via my mouth. Now I'm not even hungry anymore. Still, whether I eat or not, I have to get my backpack back from the cafeteria, which means I'll have to face Naruto and his stupid girlfriend. I may as well go now so I'm not late for class. I have to ignore this nausea and overcome it. I can't go home until school is over for the day.
The cafeteria is even louder than before, and I wish it wasn't for the reason I know it is. Up ahead is Sakura sitting beside my backpack with a surly-looking Ino to her other side, probably the result of some bet with each other. On their left is a crowd of people chattering, probably surrounding what might as well be the newlywed couple.
"Sasuke!" Sakura waves. "You'll never guess who just started dating!"
"Naruto and Hinata," I deadpan as I hurry to my seat. The world feels like it's about to be pulled from underneath my feet, and it takes all the strength I have to not vomit right now.
"Yeah, I was surprised too, actually," she says. "I honestly didn't think he had ever noticed her before, but I'm happy if he's happy. He liked me for a while when we were kids, so I'm glad he's moved on."
"This has to do with why Naruto was acting so weird earlier!" Ino interjects. "So, he was at his locker this morning when — what's their name? Oh, the Akatsuki! They tried to beat him up, those bitches, but then guess who jumped in front of Naruto and saved him? Hinata!"
"The Akatsuki is a gang with members at different schools." Sakura adds, noting my confusion. "They're kind of shady, and they don't even usually show up for class. No one really knows what they do."
"Yeah, and then you know what Hinata did? She gave some speech and confessed her love for Naruto in front of anyone! Can you believe that? And she didn't even stutter! So Naruto was probably at the music room to answer her love confession," Ino says.
"He was probably trying this morning to think of how to answer her, which is why he was out of it."
I look at Ino. "How do you know this?"
"Oh, Chouji told me that that's what Tenten thinks Neji saw. I wish I had been there to see it!"
I glance over through the crowd at the little I can see of Naruto. He's scratching the back of his head like he always does when he is embarrassed, but is obviously basking in the attention; he has that stupid grin on his face. I guess between what happened this morning and the fact that the guy who used to be the school loser is now dating Hinata Hyuga, everyone is starting to think better of him.
I guess he got what he wanted. He was always alone and hated, just wanting to be acknowledged by someone, and not only does he have friends now, but even a girlfriend too. Most people don't hate him anymore. I should be happy for him that he isn't alone.
But the rift between us is like an ocean. He's too bright to look at. I used to at least be able to shield my eyes, but now I have to look away completely. It's so bright around him that he can't even see anything else anymore.
Or maybe I'm the one who thought wrong. I shouldn't even be angry. As long as Naruto is happy, that's all that should matter.
"That's it! I've decided." Naruto says, his voice overpowering everyone else's as he climbs on top of the lunch table, "I will become the next student council president!"
Cheering ensues as Naruto pumps his fist into the air, but Sakura immediately rushes over to Naruto, red in the face. "What are you saying, idiot? Get off the table!"
Naruto smiles sheepishly as Sakura pulls him down. How much more proof does he need to know that people are starting to acknowledge him? He isn't even on student council, and now he wants to become the student council president? Who does he think he is?
Why does this even bother me so much?
"Sasuke?" Sakura's voice pulls me out of my thoughts.
"Yeah?"
"You know how we need thirty hours of volunteer service to graduate? You just moved here, so I guess you don't have any hours, right?"
"Yeah. Why?" I've been meaning to volunteer to better my university applications, but between trying so hard to meet the Uchiha ideal and studying, I just haven't thought of it.
"Well, the city is starting this new program aimed at high school students," Sakura says as I pull out my lunch from my backpack. "They put us in teams of four — one adult, three students — and rotate us through different volunteer positions every week. It's only three hours every Saturday, so…"
Sakura's face goes bright red as Ino starts giggling beside her. "Well…I wanted to know if you wanted to sign up to be on the same team as me."
I do need volunteer hours just to graduate, and this would probably be a good opportunity, but I don't want her to think I'm doing this to spend time with her.
"Who else is on the team?" I ask.
"Naruto, and Kakashi agreed to be the adult supervisor," Sakura says, her cheeks still flushed.
I don't even want to hear Naruto's name right now, and I can't understand why she'd pick him to be on her team. Maybe she has started to consider him a friend, or maybe she couldn't find anyone else.
I don't want to spend any more time with these people, especially Naruto, than I have to, but I do need volunteer hours. Doing this will give me a stable volunteer opportunity with a reputable institution and will save me the trouble of having to look for volunteer opportunities later.
"I started doing it with Chouji and Shikamaru last month, and it's a pretty easy way to get hours," Ino says.
Sakura is staring at me, her eyes wide with hope. I just hope she realizes that I don't like her the way she wants me too.
"Just text me the details later."
The smile on her face is the brightest I've seen all day, and she and Ino immediately start whispering to each other in high-pitched voices, occasionally squealing.
Meanwhile, the salad I made this morning is glaring back at me from the table.
Now that the nausea is starting to fade, the hunger is coming back. I haven't eaten anything since last night, so if I don't eat now, my stomach will start cramping any moment. This salad is safe — it only has lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, and tuna — and I spent time counting calories before making it to make sure it was acceptable. I just don't know if I want to eat it.
I stab a baby tomato with my fork. For some reason, just doing this makes me feel disgusting, like I shouldn't be eating anything in the first place. Besides, it's uncomfortable to eat in front of so many people; the idea of people watching me eat, thinking whatever judgemental thoughts about me, is almost enough to prevent me from eating here at all.
A gurgling noise erupts from my stomach, betraying me. I'm hungry.
Sakura doesn't say anything, but she smiles, and I really wish she wouldn't. I was hoping that no one had heard, but again she is judging me like everyone else.
I shift the lettuce around with my fork even though my stomach feels like it is intent on setting my insides on fire. It's so empty that maybe actual fire wouldn't be so bad; then at least I wouldn't have to think about things like this anymore.
But I'm so hungry that I can't help but give in.
I lift the fork to my mouth, then move the tomato around in my mouth before finally chewing and swallowing. While it tastes good, it also tastes like my own guilt. I shouldn't really be eating at all — I'll just end up a bigger mess than I already am — but I'm so hungry.
Weak.
I'm just about to eat a forkful of lettuce when I notice the crowd disperse, and Naruto plops down in front of me with Hinata by his side. I don't look up at him.
"Hey, I know that lunch is almost over, but I just remembered that we need to pick names out of a hat for the Secret Santa event!"
So he isn't going to even address what happened earlier. I guess he really didn't see me. That's fine. It's better he didn't see me anyway.
"I already had the others pick earlier," he says as he thrusts out a Santa hat containing a few slips of messily folded papers, "so here's what's left, and remember that the price limit is fifteen dollars!"
I stare into my bowl of salad, still holding the fork. I don't know what is stopping me from eating more — I'm starving, and I know the food is safe — but eating slowly should prevent my stomach from cramping anyway.
The hat shakes in front of me. "Hello? Earth to Sasuke?"
Without looking up, I thrust my other hand into the hat and pull out a name.
Sakura.
I guess it could have been worse. She's one of the people I know a little better around here, but still, I have no idea what to buy for a girl. I could get away with just buying chocolate. It's impersonal enough without being completely rude.
"So," he continues, "the 22nd is good for you guys, right? I was thinking we could go out to that karaoke place downtown before heading back to my place, and then…"
He talks on and on, but I block out his voice as much as I can; I don't want to think about him and who else is sitting in front of me right now. It shouldn't bother me this much, but it's casting a shadow over my heart and is threatening to draw the worst out of me.
And now I don't have to buy anything for Naruto.
I manage a few more bites of my salad before the bell rings. It's enough to curb the hunger for now, and maybe it'll be easier to eat in my room alone after school. I shove the half-full plastic container back into my backpack, still fully intent on looking at anyone, anything but Naruto, even though I can feel his eyes on me.
"Ready to go, Sasuke?" Sakura asks. I don't have much of a choice since she always waits for me to finish lunch, and we have our next class together anyway.
"Actually, I'm going to hang back with Sasuke for a couple of minutes."
Naruto is now standing right beside me — I'm so cold that his body heat isn't completely unwelcome, but he's also standing too close for me to be comfortable.
Sakura frowns. "Just don't make him late!"
"I won't," he says. "I'll see you after school, Hinata."
She waves at him before turning away, and then Ino practically pounces her as they make their way up the stairs. She's probably looking for gossip.
"What do you want with me?" I mutter, still refusing to make eye contact.
Naruto immediately side steps in front of me, but I still look off to the side. "That was you outside the music room earlier, wasn't it?"
I don't say anything, but just walk around and past the idiot, knowing he'll keep up with me.
"What are you acting like this for?" he says.
"Like what?" I throw him a glare.
"Are you jealous?"
"Jealous?" I scoff. "You're stupider than I thought you were."
Only a fool would think that I'm jealous of Naruto for dating Hinata Hyuga. I was barely aware of her existence until today, and frankly, she doesn't look or seem to be anything special. Why would I want to be with someone who can barely put a sentence together? The rumours within business circles that her younger sister has overtaken her as the heir to Hyuga Limited are probably true.
"What did you say, you bastard?" A disgruntled expression appears on his face, but it vanishes instantly, replaced with a giant grin as he scratches the back of his head. "Anyway, I can't think of any other reason for you to be mad. Hinata is really nice, and she's pretty too. Or," he smiles cheekily, "maybe the one you're jealous of is her."
I stiffen. Jealous of Hinata? Me? Over Naruto? Why would I be? I admit he isn't the worst person to be around. His loneliness makes him know a taste of my pain, and he's the only one who has ever wanted to know my pain too. We've fought…but we've also laughed.
No. He doesn't understand me at all. He doesn't know what it's like for his family to fall apart. He doesn't know what it's like for his mother to be half-dead. He doesn't know what it's like for his brother to never be home or for his father to have insurmountable expectations. Being hated by classmates doesn't mean anything when he's always had a warm family to go home to. He's never had to lose anything or anyone he's ever cared about. He's only ever gained them.
"Or maybe you're just trying to prove to everyone that you're not gay," I snap at him.
Naruto's face darkens, and he clenches his jaw so hard that I don't know what he is going to do to me.
I back away. He's turning on me too.
That's when he forces a smile, and I finally release the breath I didn't know I was holding.
"I'd never use someone like that, Sasuke. It's only been a few months since we've met, but don't you know me by now?" he says.
I relax and start walking again. "I guess. You're too much of an idiot to even think of something like that, but at the same time, you barely know her. Do you even like her?"
"Well," Naruto says as he scratches the back of his head again, "I can't say I love her or anything just yet, but, well, you know what happened this morning, right?"
"Yeah."
"I didn't know how to answer her confession at first, but after she told me she loved me, I started to feel about her the way I used to feel about Sakura when we were kids. I told you I used to like Sakura, right?"
"No."
He stretches his arms behind his back as we head up the stairs. "I liked her for a while in elementary and middle school, but she would always yell at me and ignore me, so even though we're friends now, I can't see her that way anymore. I moved on. Still, my feelings for her were real, and now…I feel the same way about Hinata. I like her."
I don't say anything, but I feel his eyes on me. We stop just outside my physics class, and then he grins.
"You don't have to be mad. I'm pretty sure every other girl in this school wants you, and Sakura really likes you too, right? Besides, we're best friends. I've never had a best friend before you, and nothing is going to change that, no matter what. I swear, Sasuke, I never turn my back on anyone."
His grin flashes even brighter, and then he walks away from me toward the staircase. I watch his back fade into the distance before getting lost among all the other students.
Best friends?
I can't help but let the edges of my mouth tug upward, but then the feeling is gone.
He swore he wouldn't turn his back on me, but he just did.
Knock knock.
I jump, and the note I was playing screeches across my violin string. My arms fall to their sides, the violin and bow bouncing off my thighs, and panic rises in my chest. What did I do wrong? Was I too loud? I just wanted to practice once more before walking to the Hyugas' house for the concert. I even made sure to finish my lunch so that I wouldn't get hungry and distracted during the performance. I can't be late for the party, or Neji will kill me.
I go ice cold. That's only if Father doesn't first.
My bedroom door creaks open. The smell of cologne — thankfully not alcohol — infiltrates my room, and Father walks in. Dressed in a black suit similar to mine, he frowns, and the wrinkles around his mouth look deeper than ever.
"You need a new suit," he says.
My gaze falls to the ground, but I can finally breathe — I hadn't even realized I was holding my breath. He seems to be in a decent mood right now, and, besides, he's right. While the sleeves and pant lengths are slightly too short, I'm otherwise drowning in this three-piece suit. I don't know if it stretched out or if — I gulp — I really used to be so big, but it looks horrible on me. I tied the dress shirt at the back in hopes that at least it would look like it fits correctly, but it seems I failed at that too. Now I don't even have time to get this tailored if I want to get to the party in time. The Hyugas' houses is not that far away, but it's a long walk. I should have tried this on days ago to check if it fit, but I can't do anything right.
"I'm sorry." I glance up at him. His face is stern, his mouth a thin line across his face.
"Don't bother. Just get in the car."
I hesitate. Father hasn't driven me anywhere since we were back in Japan, let alone talk to me this much. "Where are we going?"
"To buy you a suit before we go to the Hyuga Christmas party."
"You're going too?" I blurt out before I can stop myself. But he was supposed to hate the Hyugas, and I never told him I was attending it either.
He pauses. "Yes," he says testily. "And I won't have you looking like a mess while representing the Uchiha, especially at a party I'm attending to mend relations between our clans. As it is, I'm ashamed you never told me you were going to perform at the party. I had to hear this from Hiashi rather than my own son."
I sink into my shame. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to disturb you," I say as I pack both the instrument and the sheet music into the violin case. All I can do is listen to him and not anger him.
"Anything business-related is important. You should have told me." He eyes the violin case. "What is that?"
I gulp. "A school violin. I'm having Mother's repaired. The fingerboard needs planing (2)."
The lies continue to pile up. How much longer will I be able to lie to everyone? Each lie weighs my chest down even further, but I can't tell him the truth. He'd be even more disappointed in me than he already is.
He stares down at me longer before leaving my room. "Just get in the car."
I follow him downstairs. No matter what has happened between us, this man is still my father. I remember the times he attended my school entrance ceremonies, took us on picnics, tried to teach me things I wouldn't learn for another five years in school. He used to print out hundreds of sheets worth of math questions for me to finish, and they would keep me up past midnight. Now he is even going to take me to buy a new suit, then drive me to the Hyuga party with him. I've never been to one of his business parties with him before — it was always Nii-san who would go. How could I have not told him that I was going to be there? I only get what I deserve.
But how could he have expected me to tell him anything either?
—
The car is silent as we park by the Hyugas' house. I changed into a better fitting suit while in the store, but Father's expression has not changed — he might be angry that he had to spend money on me. There almost seems to be an impenetrable dark cloud attached to him, and the only thing I can do is stay silent.
He doesn't say anything as he gets out of the car. I quickly grab the violin case from the backseat and follow him down the street, which is lined with expensive cars all the way to the Hyugas' house. The Hyugas' house is about the same size as the one I live in, though I suppose many would consider it a near-mansion.
As we head up the concrete path surrounded by the Hyugas' lush garden, a butler opens the door, then outstretches his hand to take the violin from me. Father walks in first, and, after handing the violin over, I immediately lose Father in the crowd. Classical piano music flows through the sterile hallway, and a giant Christmas tree, decorated with piles of flashing lights and sparkling ornaments, looms in front of me by the spiralling staircase. At least a hundred people are bustling through the interconnecting rooms, and the clattering of plates can just be heard beneath the sound of people talking. I don't know where I'm supposed to go. I have to find Neji.
I make my way through the sea of people, ignoring the people I bump into. I don't have time to deal with these people, and with so many others around, I doubt they'll even know it was an Uchiha son who carelessly hit them. I just need to prepare my instrument so I can play. That's all I'm here for.
The sound of the piano gets louder, and a music stage finally comes into view in the living room across from the entrance. All of our instruments are there, along with chairs, music stands, and a piano. The stage is devoid of people except at the piano, where Hinata is playing the second movement of Chopin's Piano Concerto No. 1. She isn't following the dress code Neji insisted on, wearing some turquoise dress instead of black.
"She said she'll change for the performance."
I stiffen, but turn to see Neji beside me. He is already wearing a black suit and has his hair tied back with no strand out of place.
"We start preparing in ten minutes. We'll be playing on this stage, so do as you see fit until then."
He walks away as quickly as he showed up, which doesn't bother me anyway. Hinata is still playing the piano, and I don't see anyone I recognize. I'm sure many important business leaders are around, but I was too young to attend the parties in Japan, and I've never been to any here. I don't know if Father expects me to network, or if I'm too inferior to Nii-san to be doing that.
"Sasuke!"
I turn around to see Sakura squeezing in between a couple in the attempt to rush over to me. She looks different than usual; her hair is straighter, and she's wearing a black sleeveless dress. She might even have makeup on too.
She beams. "Are you ready for the concert?"
"Yeah."
She suddenly starts shifting in place, her face red as she occasionally glances up at me from the floor. I don't know what she wants from me.
"What about you?" I try.
"Mhm." Sakura nods.
A few seconds of silence pass between us before she starts to look frazzled. "I'm going to go find the food, okay?" She darts away through the crowd.
Well, there isn't much for us to do here anyway; we're only here to perform for the party, not to actually attend it. I finished eating my lunch at home, so I don't need any food either until I get home.
I stand by the stage as Hinata continues playing the piano. She plays well, and she almost seems like a different person; her shyness is gone. The moment her music dies though, she stands up hurriedly, her face red, and rushes up the spiralling staircase the giant doorways make visible from here. At the same time, Neji heads my way, Sai in tow, and gives me a look. I immediately step onto the stage and start preparing by taking out the violin and sheet music. Everyone finally makes it to the stage as I'm already tuning, and just as I finish making the final adjustments to my strings, I feel a tap on my shoulder.
"Good luck!" Sakura says, and I nod.
After everyone is finally sitting in their chairs and has had sufficient time to tune quietly on their own, Neji throws me another sharp look. I glide the bow across the A string to let everyone tune, and the crowd quiets down before staring at us. As expected, they're familiar with concert etiquette (3).
Signalling the others to start, I inhale deeply, then play.
Tchaikovsky's 'Souvenir de Florence' comes together. I push my bow deep into the strings, careful to place emphasis on all the right notes. The notes are easy; it's just playing them with the right dynamics, as well as in time with everyone else. Regardless, I've rehearsed this piece so many times that I feel like a robot moving my arms and fingers the way I was programmed to. The sound isn't nearly as sweet as with Mom's violin, but it works.
The concert drags on forever. Granted, it is forty minutes long as opposed to the usual twenty minute concerts with the school orchestra, but time just drags on. Music is supposed to be a release, even fun, but lately it doesn't make me feel anything anymore. It's just another thing I have to do.
When the entire piece finally ends, the sound of clapping is deafening. As first violin, I stand and motion the others to do so as well, then bow. I peer up, only to see Father at the back of the room standing with his arms folded, a wine glass in one hand. His mouth wrinkles are as heavy as always, which makes it difficult to tell whether he is frowning or not, but he definitely isn't smiling. He doesn't meet my gaze either — the way he looks off to the side of the room makes me wonder if he's purposely avoiding it — and instead leaves the room.
My chest aches. I still only ever disappoint him. I'm used to it now, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less.
As the clapping dies, I sit back down to put the sheet music and violin away. Everyone played well with no mistakes, so this could be called a success, but it still doesn't feel satisfying. It feels meaningless.
Suddenly, there is again another tap on my shoulder. "You were amazing, Sasuke, but you've sounded different ever since you switched violins." Sakura stares at me, her eyes fierce. If she thinks I'm going to give her a real answer this time, she's wrong.
"Because I'm playing a different violin than before." I brush her off.
"I'm being serious —"
"Acceptable," Neji says as he glares at me. "We'll begin rehearsals again after Christmas break. Don't slack off."
I nod curtly as I finish packing my music and violin. Neji walks away as Hinata rushes back up the staircase, and Sakura bites her lip. She doesn't say anything, but her eyes meet mine directly, and I almost feel sorry for her. She looks so desperate for me to let her in, but she doesn't know anything about me. I don't know what she sees in me. She wants me to be someone I can't be, so she sees in me all these superficial details that don't exist. If she doesn't even understand the smallest details about me, how could she expect me to tell her anything real?
"Hey, it's Dickless." Sai suddenly smiles.
I look into the audience to try to see who Sai is talking about when I instantly understand.
Spiky blond hair. Whisker-like scars.
Naruto pushes through the crowd, tripping over people's feet as others glare at him. Even though he looks as unkempt as ever — his shirt is wrinkled and his tie is a mess — he looks better than I've ever seen him.
But I don't understand why he's here.
"Naruto?" Sakura tilts her head.
"That was great, Sasuke, Sakura!" He beams as he approaches us.
I stand there, confused. "What are you doing here?"
"Hinata asked me to come," he says. "She thought now would be too soon to meet her parents, but after Neji snitched that she was dating someone, they demanded I show up even though it was last minute. They sound scary!" Naruto shudders, but immediately cheers up. "So I got here as soon as I could, but I'm still late! I did get to hear you guys play though, and you were so awesome! You sounded kind of different, Sasuke, but I guess playing here would make anyone uncomfortable."
"What is that supposed to mean?" I cross my arms. I didn't make any mistakes. I sounded fine.
Naruto crosses his arms and furrows his brow in concentration. It must be painful for someone as stupid as him to try to think. "Hmm, I guess it sounded like you were playing because you had to, not because you wanted to. Usually you look different when you play, as if music makes that stick finally come out of your ass, but it was like you were forcing yourself to play this time."
I twitch, but before I can make a retort, Naruto's eyes wander toward the staircase, and his mouth drops. Down the stairs comes Hinata in that turquoise dress again, her side bangs drawn into a ponytail at the back. The moment her eyes meet his, her face turns so red it seems like steam will blow out of her ears at any second.
"N-Naruto!" She smiles nervously as she walks toward him, her high heels clacking. Naruto's mouth opens and closes as if he has no words left to say, and he looks at her like she is the only person left in his universe.
Without once glancing away from her, he takes her hand. "You look beautiful."
You look beautiful.
If my chest was aching earlier, now it feels like it is going to split in half; whatever was left inside me has crumbled. There is no room left for me anywhere. Naruto can tell me his pretty lies all he wants, but it's a joke to think that things can ever be the same between us. Even after I let him have a taste of my pain, I'm nothing but the dirt that tarnishes his rosy view of life.
I grab my violin case, step off the stage, and head back through the crowd. I can't stay here any longer. I'll tell the waiting staff to inform Father that I left early to study.
I jump when a hand grabs my wrist, and when I look over my shoulder, Sakura's eyes are glistening, threatening to ruin the face she put on for tonight.
"Sasuke," is all she whispers, but I pull away. It's too late. She only sees who she wants to see, and Naruto doesn't see me at all.
It's just as Father has told me all along. I am nothing but an ugly disappointment.
I bang my fist against my still-broken bathroom mirror, wincing as the shards rip my skin and draw blood. When did I become like this? When did I let my body become so wrong? This reflection shouldn't be me. Someone so disgusting, so filthy, so ugly…
I already knew that I had a rotten personality and was starting to let my grades slip, but I thought I could at least somehow keep my body from becoming decrepit too. I overreacted at the party; Naruto's opinion shouldn't matter, it shouldn't matter at all, but…
It did.
My phone keeps lighting up with messages from him, asking me where I went, if he said something wrong, but I don't know how to answer him. 'Yes, Naruto, what's wrong is that you made me realize how wrong I am'? How could I say that to him? This isn't his fault. It's not his job to hide the truth from me, especially when I'm the one weighed down by lies.
I look at myself and see blotchy skin, dry hair, huge bags, and this revolting body that takes up more space in this world than it deserves. I no longer enjoy anything that used to save me from feeling like this, and I don't see why I should. I can't even visit Mom anymore; I'm too ashamed to let her see what I've become. My eyes burn knowing that I've failed her, Father, and Nii-san. If only this reflection would show who I'm supposed to be, who I'm expected to be, then maybe things would be different. Maybe things would be better.
I hear the door slam open downstairs, and the sound of heavy footsteps gets louder and louder. Please don't come this way, please don't come this way, please don't come this way…
My bedroom door is opened with the same force as the front door.
It's time.
(1) - Dango is a traditional Japanese sweet. As a reminder, the datebook lists Sasuke as hating sweets.
(2) - Planing a fingerboard is very difficult and not something all violinists can do themselves. After being played for a long time, violins can develop bumps in the fingerboard, which makes it difficult to play in tune. This requires the fingerboard to be planed.
(3) - Right before a concert, string musicians tune their instruments together by listening to an A from a violin.
A/N: Forgive the NaruHina detour, but it's important for both Sasuke's and Naruto's character development!
As well, I'm hoping you guys can read the clues for some other things, which are now becoming fairly more obvious, without me explicitly saying anything. I've tried to make it subtle up until now since Sasuke's feelings in many aspects of his life are starting to intensify.
Also, there are plenty of instances in part one of the manga in which Sasuke is nice enough to Sakura and tries not to trample over her feelings, so I'm drawing from that when I write his interactions with her. I feel like a lot of people think that he never cared about her even though he did as a comrade up until part II.
Anyway, thanks for reading, and I hope you'll review.