Chapter 10 – Bumps on the Road
AN: So, new career and new job in the upcoming New Year. This means shorter chapters to update but I hope to upload new chapters in a regular basis. Happy New Year everyone and stay safe.
The next day my hand shook as I reached for the phone to call Dr. Aurelius. I took a deep breath as I closed my eyes. My sessions have continued and more so now that he is aware of my last incident regarding my stalker. He had even advised me that if I need more sessions I should call him regardless of what time. Though they have been helpful I still find them tiring emotionally as well as physically. At least at the end of each session I no longer feel the need to stay in bed. I guess I am made some progress. Forty-five minutes later, I complete my session but make a last minute request.
"Dr. Aurelius, can you send me my box?" I asked in a whisper as if someone is listening to our conversation.
"Your art box, you mean," he reiterated. I can hear the concern in his tone. "You're doing well and having those might send your recovery back. Are you sure you ready to have those in your possession?"
"I'll never be ready, but I think under these circumstances, I would rather have the box for safe keeping," I said. I'm not sure what I'll do when I have them but I need them close by.
"It's safe here, Peeta. Nobody but you and this hospital staff know the existence of its' contents," Dr. Aurelius said. "And everyone in my staff is under the patient/hospital staff confidentiality clause. Floor 4 staff is under strict rules to never discuss what happens there. Any information or leak will result in dismissal from the premises and assignment to other districts."
"I'd rather be safe than sorry. Please send them to me," I demanded. "You said that they belong to me and that I can have them any time I want."
"Okay, I'll package it myself," he confirmed. "It will be expedited to 11 within hours. It will be hand delivered to 12."
"When you do send them, can you address it to Delly Cartwright?" I asked. "Someone might be tempted to open or steal it if it's addressed to me or Johanna."
"I understand," he said. "Anything else you want to talk about or address before we end our call?"
"No, Dr. Aurelius. I feel good about what we discussed," I confirmed. Today's session left me with a positive outlook for my future.
"Just make sure you're making the right decision for yourself regarding the bakery," he counseled. "It's big decision that will have a lot of impact on your life and those around you. I feel that you're ready but that's my opinion. Do what you think is best for you."
I smiled at his approval and faith in me to make the right decision. I know that I have to decide what my future holds with the bakery. I thought long and hard what reconstructing it would do for me. Am I ready? Honestly, I don't know. Will the thoughts and memories of my family cause me to have another panic attack or an episode? That alone is reason enough to decide against rebuilding my family business. But what do I have for a future? Any proceeds I received as a victor ceased soon after my second reaping. I had saved more than enough to last a lifetime. I couldn't go through my life without some form of occupation. The only thing I've known is baking and drawing. The latter will not produce a decent income. It is more of a hobby than a serious profession. Besides, who would take my work seriously? Who would buy art from a former victor and traitor of District 12? With that thought in mind, my decision was made for me of what I needed to do. I went to bed that night feeling optimistic and scared in anticipation for my decision for the bakery and the box's arrival.
The next morning my lingering thoughts are interrupted as Delly stepped into my home. Her bright smile etched on her face never failed to calm me. Besides being one of the remaining survivors of District 12 she had been a great source of comfort and a happy reminder of the family I used to have. Though my bond with Johanna was forged by the Capitol's abuse and torture, Delly became someone I can rely on and trust. We had revealed a lot of secrets during my recovery. I was convinced that Johanna and I would not survive but here we are alive and with each day rebuilding our lives with the help of Delly Cartwright.
"Hey, Peeta. I got that packaged you were waiting for," she announced as she sat beside me and dropped the box on the coffee table. She reached over my forehead to check my temperature. My Delly always looking out for me. "You look a little flush, are you feeling okay?" she asked in concern and checked on my wristband.
"I'm feeling fine, Del," I returned. "Thanks for getting this for me." I picked up the package from the table and placed it on my lap. I held my breath for a moment.
"Do you want me to leave?" she asked. "I know it's from Dr. Aurelius." She pointed to the label on the box. I shook my head as I stared it for a minute.
"Could you stay with me?" I requested. She nodded her head and grabbed my hand for a moment. I peeled off the tape, removed the parcel paper wrapped around the box and lifted the lid. On top was a short note from Dr. Aurelius. 'If you need me for any reason please don't hesitate to call.' I gave the note to Delly to read. I lifted a drawing pad and counted the pads inside the box making sure all of them were accounted for.
I flipped the cover page to reveal a horrifying image of Mutt Katniss with red eyes and bared sharp teeth pointing her bow. I heard a gasp beside me as I had forgotten that Delly was there beside me.
"Peeta!" she exclaimed. "Why in the world would you…"
"It's okay, Delly. I asked Dr. Aurelius to send my drawings to me," I explained as I flipped a couple of pages over. Each new page revealed a horrifying and terrifying image of Katniss in a not so flattering image.
"You don't need to see those again. Why would you want to?" she asked. She grabbed the box from me.
"I have to, Delly. I can't have them in the wrong hands. I can't trust anyone in the Capitol to find these," I told her. I closed the pad and sighed to myself. "I need to face parts of me that still exist."
"Peeta, you're not that person anymore," she interrupted.
"I will never be the same. I know that now," I admitted. "I know that whatever future or dreams I had will never come true. Whatever chance I had died when the Capitol altered me. They changed me, Delly. I can never deny that fact."
"You're wrong. How many times do we have to have this conversation? They didn't change you completely. You just need to take each day at a time. And, you have to…you have to let people in, Peeta," she suggested. I knew what she implied but I couldn't afford to think that way. "You have a future to look forward to. You're have people who love and care about you." She paused for a moment as she took my shaking hand into hers. "Have you decided what to do with the bakery?"
"I have," I said not adding more to my statement. I almost laughed at Delly's sour expression as she waited for me to continue.
"Well, tell me. What have you decided?" she asked, her brows lifted on her forehead. Her curiosity peaked.
"I'm not telling you," I answered. She slapped my arm not to harm but to aggravate.
"That's mean, Peeta," she said with mock anger.
"I've made a decision but I need to ask Haymitch something first," I explained. "I don't want to say anything until I speak to him."
"Oh," Delly responded in disappointment.
"You know me, Delly. You knew before anyone what my answer would be," I told her as I wrapped an arm over her shoulder. She smiled back at me because she did know. She always had.
"I'm so proud of you, Peeta," she said as she tussled my hair with her hand. "And you need to shave and get a haircut soon. You're going to be a business owner and you can't be looking like some bum off the street."
"Hey, I thought you said I was cute with my long hair," I said in defense. She was right. I did need a decent shave and haircut. But the thought of a sharp instrument in close proximity to my person still shook me. And finding a barber in town who I can trust was still an issue.
"If you want, I can cut it for you?" she volunteered.
"No way, Delly. I remembered the last time you cut my hair," I yelped. Memories of that incident still haunted me. My hair had grown so long one hot summer. I remembered the look on my mother's face when she saw me after my cut.
"Hey, I was only 11 and it was your idea," she reminded me. I shivered at the memory of the uneven haircut I received. My mother threatened to shave my head. In horror, I ran away. My mother screamed at me for losing business for one day as my father searched for me. The ending result was my father taking me to a barbershop and receiving the shortest haircut of my life as a lesson. My parents never knew who was my stylist and years later, Delly and I would laugh at the memory.
After a moment of going down memory lane, Delly picked up another pad. Inside were drawings of Tamryn that I drew when I was back in the Capitol after my last visit. She eyed them with great interest. "These are wonderful, Peeta. How can you say that you're not the same? These drawings prove otherwise." She continued to peer into my drawings. They were several drawing of Tamryn that I drew in my spare time. She smiled after a few minutes.
"What's so amusing?" I asked. She was looking at a drawing of Tamryn playing in a field of flowers.
"I'd tell you but you wouldn't believe me," she answered. I narrowed my eyes as she continued to ignore me. "Have you heard from Johanna?"
"She called to let me know that she arrived at 4 safely," I answered back. "She says that little Finn is getting real big and looking just like his daddy." I sighed at the memory of our conversation. "I wish I could visit but Johanna's says she's still having memory lapses. And Annie doesn't want to leave 4 since it's the only home she's every known. I don't blame her." Delly nodded at me. I needed to come back to 12 after the war. As for my reasons for returning to 12, I couldn't acknowledge or admit the truth.
I made a few attempts to contacting Annie but her mental state would lapse between the tortures she endured at the Capitol and reliving the death of Finnick over and over whenever she saw me. She would burst into tears or lapse into a catatonic state for hours. For some reason her last recollection of Finnick was with me in the Star Squad at District 13. It was through Finn's birth that helped her heal and recover from the war. After her release, Johanna spent months with her to help Annie throughout her pregnancy. I wished I had been there for her but I was incarcerated at the hospital soon after the end of the rebellion and her reaction to my presence only agitated her.
"Bron will be working night patrols so I'll be staying with you for the next few days," she announced. "I'll even cook." I balked at the idea. I didn't want Delly in harms way and staying with me only made her a bigger target. So I used another tactic to dissuade her from staying with me.
"Um, Delly as much as I adore you, you are not getting near my kitchen," I said. "You make a mess and I have to clean up after you."
Her eyes narrowed at me. "You didn't complain before when I was living with you," she accused.
I shrugged my shoulders, "I didn't have a choice then," I admitted. "Besides, what would your ever loving boyfriend say about you cooking and staying overnight with another man?"
"You're not a man," she said. Ouch. "You're family. I'm more surprised that you're not objecting with me staying with you than my cooking."
"Who said I agreed with you?" I said.
"I'm staying. And you're not going to win this argument," she said as she planted herself further into my sofa and crossed her arms. "If I'm not, then I'm going to ask Katniss to stay with you." She continued with a smug look on her face. I knew not to argue any further.
"You can't babysit me 24/7. Don't you have a job to go back to?" I rebutted.
"I have a whole week off and I'll be spending them with you as much as I can and, yes Bron knows I'm here," she said. "And he agreed that I should stay with you, just in case."
"I can take care of myself, Delly," I said in mild irritation for their decision. "You should be with Bron who can protect you."
"He trusts you to take care of me," Delly asserted. I was touched by their trust in me. "Listen, he's on night patrols meaning that he's at work from 1am until 9 in the morning. So he'll be asleep during the day. He feels better that I stay with you instead alone in my house without Johanna. He's close by in case anything happens."
I wondered about Katniss all alone in her house. Who took care of her?
That night I dreamt of sleeping in a meadow of dandelions and wild flowers. I stared into the clear blue sky. A face hovered over me blurring my vision. I smiled as she reached down and extended her small hand to me. Her hair in a single braid glistened from the sunlight. She looked pretty and adorable.
"Hey, Prim," I said. She smiled as she pulled my hand to help me up. "It's been awhile."
"You look good, Peeta," she said. "You still need to put more meat in your thin bones. You need to have Katniss make her lamb stew for you. That will fatten you up real quick."
"Where are we going?" I asked as we walked further into the woods. We walked in silence for a few minutes but stopped at the base of the tallest and biggest tree I've ever seen.
"You need to remember this when you wake up, okay?" she said as she tugged at my hand. "It's important."
I nodded and looked at the tree. The trunk was massive, at least 9 feet wide. The roots jutted out of the ground. I looked at the bottom of the trunk at eye level and noticed an etching on the bark. I walked closer to the tree. "Peeta, you know that I'll always be with you. Just like Katniss. Just remind her that I'm never far away from her. And tell her I love her. It's important that you remember this when you wake up." She held me in her tiny arms. "Please Peeta, don't forget."
"I promise, Prim," I said. I woke up from my dream hearing a scream that tore through the evening air. I blinked a couple of time to reassure myself that I wasn't dreaming. I recognized the scream anywhere. I was putting my leg on when the screaming stopped. I looked out my window to Katniss' house and noticed that her bedroom light was unlit. I debated for a few seconds and wondered if I had the right to go over to her house.
"Peeta, what are you waiting for?" Delly asked with concern and disappointment in her eyes. I stood before her for a second when she reached over and grabbed my hand. We ran into her Katniss' home. I rushed up the stairs to see her cowering on the floor in the corner of her room.
"Katniss," I said in a soft tone, hoping not to alarm her. She continued to sob and shake. I looked at Delly from behind me and turned back to Katniss. "Katniss, it's me Peeta. You're okay. You're home."
She peered from behind her messy hair, blinking her teary eyes. She reached over to me and held me tight as she wrapped her arms around me waist. Her cries grew louder as her tears soaked my nightshirt. "Shh, you okay, Katniss. See Delly and I are here. You're safe." I rubbed a hand down her back, soothing her shaking body.
"They took Prim from me," she sobbed and continued to cry all over me, clutching my chest tight. "I miss her so much."
"I know, Katniss. I miss her too," I said. Then I realized that Prim's birthday is coming. Her appearance in my dreams was timely. I wondered if my dream was preparing me for this. The next few days are going to be hard for Katniss. I moved a bit from her embrace and she tightened her arms around me. It was uncomfortable sitting on the cold floor. "Why don't we get off the ground? It's cold and you'll be warmer on your bed." She nodded, as she stood up climbed onto her bed. I reached to grab a blanket on the foot of her bed when she grabbed my hand. "Please stay with me." I gulped as my throat tightened at her request. I turned to Delly.
"Of course, Peeta will stay with you, right Peeta?" Delly confirmed. She saw the panicked look in my eyes. "He'll stay for as long as you need." I nodded and turned to Katniss as she stared into my eyes. With tears still forming, she opened her arms to me. A gesture I couldn't refuse. I could never deny Katniss anything even if my mind screamed from fright and confusion.
Delly crept out of the room leaving us alone; my mind was fighting what my heart couldn't deny. As much as she scares me, I will always care for Katniss. It was about loving her that I feared of repeating. I was never what she wanted and who I am now is someone I couldn't offer. There is a very tiny part of me that still hoped for a future with Katniss. Could I let myself believe that she loved me as much as I loved her? I felt a tinge of hope and optimism swell from my chest. I envisioned a future of us holding each other as we are now. I felt peace for a moment as my eyes closed with the last thought of Katniss, her head resting on my chest.
I was jolted from my sleep as I heard Sae's voice coming from behind Katniss' bedroom door. I wiped a hand across my eyes and reminded myself of what had occurred early this morning. I looked beside me to find the bed empty. With sigh, my heart dropped at the realization that Katniss had abandoned me. She took the comfort she needed and bailed. I should have realized that nothing had really changed between us. I was being used again.
I opened the door to see an amused Sae smiling at me. "She's not here, Sae. I need to go back to my house," I said as I walked past her and ran out of Katniss' home. I slammed my door closed as I reached my own home. Delly had a smile on her face.
"Oh, Peeta. How was your evening with Katniss?" she asked as she wiggled her brows.
"Don't want to talk about and don't ever bring it up again," I yelled as I walked past her and ran up my room. 'Not again, not again.' My mind reeled. I spent the day in bed, not opening my door to anyone. Delly made a few attempts to get me out of bed. I ignored her invitations for breakfast and lunch. I turned off my phone. I needed to regroup my thoughts and remind myself of who I am and what I meant to Katniss. 'She's your friend in need of comfort for the days ahead. Nothing else.' I told myself. The next time she calls out to me I will remember that. I opened the door, walked downstairs and found Delly preparing dinner. We ate in silence.
"Just remember that she's hurting right now. Don't take what she does or says seriously, Peeta," she lectured me. I nodded in agreement. I let my heart take over whenever I'm around Katniss. It was a mistake I would not repeat again. I went to bed weary and tired. That night I didn't dream at all.
The next day Haymitch appeared at my doorstep after lunch. He looked haggard and scared. "Have you two seen Katniss?" he asked.
"I haven't seen her since yesterday morning," I returned. I was still angry with myself for assuming something that I had no right to. My ego and pride were bruised. Feelings I'm familiar with when it came to Katniss.
"Sae came by this morning when Katniss didn't turn up for breakfast. It doesn't look like she came home last night since she also made dinner for her. Her bed is the same as she left it," he added. "I've looked in town and the edge of the woods. I don't know where else to look."
I felt guilty and ashamed for my thoughts yesterday. Delly was right that I couldn't take Katniss' behavior personally since Prim's birthday is tomorrow. And with the threat looming over me, Katniss was an easy target. I wouldn't forgive myself if anything had happened to her. Different scenarios raced through my mind and then I remembered the dream I had of Prim.
"Delly stay here just in case Katniss turns up," I instructed her. "I may know where she is, Haymitch. Take me to the woods Katniss usually visits." He led me to the area. I walked further in to the woods looking for the tallest tree in the vicinity. Half an hour later, we arrived at the location where I dreamt the night before. It wasn't the same tree but its width and height matched. The trunk was wide as I suspected and the roots just as high.
"Look around, Haymitch. She's got to be here." We went in opposite directions. I was scared, anxious and in pain since my leg ached from the walk. My anxiety disappeared as soon as I turned to see Katniss huddled against the wide tree trunk. She was damp from head to toe wearing a long sleeve shirt and light pants. They were the same clothes she wore the night we spent together. She was in a fetal position quivering. She had a fixed looked in her eyes as if she was in a trance. I realized that she was catatonic. Sighing from relief, I grazed the back of my hand to her cold cheek. She didn't respond to my touch. My heart tugged at my chest. Without any hesitation I lifted her in my arms and carried her away from the woods with Haymitch trailing behind me.
Katniss POV –
I woke up to a warm and comfortable bed as I heard Sae knocking on my door. After a few minutes, she stopped and walked away. Clutching a pillow to my chest, I lingered in my bed not remembering how I got there. My clock chimed displaying date and time as I realized that Prim's birthday was yesterday. I tried to recollect the past few days when I concluded that I slept the day away. I fought tears that gathered in my eyes as I remembered what had happened since I awoke with Peeta lying in my bed. I recounted the joy I felt but was soon replaced with panic as I realized what I had done. My nightmare caused me to reach out to Peeta for comfort, asking him to stay with me. He looked peaceful beside me that I didn't have the heart to wake him so I snuck out of my bed. The next thing I knew I was in the middle of the woods. Standing in front of my favorite tree where I played as a child. I had not meant to stay as long as I did. I needed the peace and silence the woods provided me. Hours past as memories flooded and paralyzed me; day became night. I dreamt that Peeta came for me. Saving me. As I lay in bed I wondered if my dream were real. Did Peeta find me in the woods and carried me home?
I don't know how much time had passed when my bedroom door open to find Haymitch peering inside. I was about to tell him to leave me the fuck alone when I hear a tiny voice cut the air.
"Katniss, it's time to get up and have breakfast," Tamryn announced. She looked scared as she stood by the door. She reminded me of Prim for a second. "Grandma is making your favorite and said it's getting cold."
"Give me a few minutes, Pri….Tamryn. I need to freshen up before joining you," I said as my voice cracked and gave Haymitch the meanest look I could muster.
"Don't keep us waiting Katniss," he smirked. "We'll be waiting downstairs."
"We?" I asked. Haymitch gave me a confused look. 'Please don't tell me Peeta is there,' my mind reeled. I was too embarrassed to face him after the night we shared. As innocent as it was, I don't know how Peeta reacted to my disappearance after sharing a night with him.
"Just you, me, Sae and the kid, Katniss," he answered. I sighed in relief. I needed a few hours to consider my actions before confronting Peeta. I took the quickest shower of my life and changed into a clean pair of pants and button down shirt. I don't remember wearing or changing into the nightshirt and long pants I am currently wearing. They were not the same pair the night I slept in Peeta's arms.
During breakfast I didn't have much of an appetite but ate the best I could. Tamryn chatted beside me. The little girl's appearance affected more than I thought since her bubbly personality reminded me of Prim. I tried to hide the tears as she gave me a tight hug and a wave goodbye at my front door. My eyes tried not to drift towards Peeta's home hoping to not catch him. When I went back inside, Haymitch planted himself on my sofa. He was balancing a bottle of liquor from one hand to the other.
"I didn't tell you why I stopped drinking, did I? Or at least try not to be drop dead drunk every single moment of my existence," he started. "When Peeta finished obsessing over his home during the first two weeks of his arrival, he came over and started to clean mine. From corner to corner, inch-by-inch, he cleaned and scrubbed my home going from room to the next. I didn't stop him but let him be."
He looked at the bottle for second, but then continued. "He didn't talk much and when he did, he said very little. It was a comfort to have him in my home, but painful to watch as he exhausted himself. He had one room left to clean. I was downing a bottle of liquor when he asked about the master bedroom. Suddenly my monitor goes on, it's Gale on the screen in his shiny new uniform containing rioters in District 6. The sound of his voice shook Peeta into an episode of anger and despair. But what really broke him was an image of you in your Mockingjay outfit. The image of you and him one after the other was more than he could handle. His eyes went feral, I was afraid that he would bite off his tongue off as he struggled not to scream. He fought whatever demon inside him as he threw furniture, books, whatever he could find. He scared me, Katniss."
He paused for moment as he placed the bottle on the table and leaned back on the sofa. "He finally realized I was present when he went after me with the broken liquor bottle I just finished." I gasped in shock. "He was already tired and weak from throwing every article he could get his hands on that I only had to hit him once. He was down on my floor bleeding. I was so absorbed in my self-pity of not being able to protect him. I should have been sober to watch him; to take care of him, he was in my home."
I sat beside him to comfort him as I wrapped an arm around him. "I was so drunk I thought I killed him, Katniss. There I was stinking drunk with Peeta lying on the ground, unconscious and bleeding from landing on broken shards of glass. It was first time in years that I broke down and cried. I failed him, again. I wasn't sober enough to protect him even from himself. From that day on, I swore that I would be a better person for Peeta."
"So what happened after he woke up?" I asked.
Haymitch eyed me with sadness and shame in his eyes, "He just stood up with blood covering his arms, legs and cheek. He blinked once or twice and looked around him. And you know what he did? He walked over to my kitchen, picked a broom and dustbin and started cleaning the mess he made."
"He didn't say anything to you?" I questioned.
"He apologized for making a mess. We never said a single word about that day," he admitted. "Since then, I've been weaning myself from my 20 year habit of disappearing into my own world. It's been difficult and painful. But I would do anything I can to ensure Peeta's survival. I failed you as I have failed him and broken his trust. I will never be worthy of his devotion and friendship. It's something I know I have to earn back." His hands trembled as he spoke. "I know that the last few days have been difficult for you. Just don't give up, Katniss. You've made great strides in moving forward; you have a lot to look forward to. You need to concentrate on that."
I looked at Haymitch. There are new wrinkles around his eyes and mouth. I thought about Peeta, Johanna and I, how we survived Snow and the Capitol. We lived through a rebellion with Coin; another would be Snow had she lived. I don't regret the decision I made that fateful day. When we returned home, I didn't realize what role Haymitch took upon himself. He was now protector and father figure for all of us. Especially Peeta who had no one left. I was accustomed to my mother's abandonment since the age of 11. Prim's death only widened the chasm between us. Haymitch became not only my mentor but also parental unit by de facto. I am very lucky to have him in my life.
"Katniss, you know that without using words and getting too emotional…" he confessed as for the first time I have ever known him, to stumble with his words, "you know what you mean to me. What you and Peeta as well as Delly and Johanna have become in my life. Before I ever met you lot, I was content to swim in my own guilt by drowning myself with liquor. I had no one." I nodded my head in understanding. "Please don't become me by emotionally drowning into yourself. We are all here for you, please remember that."
"I know that, Haymitch," I said. "I know how lucky I am to have everyone in my life. I just wish…" I held back the sob that was lodged in my throat.
"You miss her," he said. "She's never really gone unless you let her. She will always be with you, Katniss. For as long as you are alive, she will never be forgotten."
"Thank you, Haymitch," I said in gratitude.
"Just one more thing, I know that words don't come to you easily," he said. "You're actions often speak louder than any words you convey. You know what I'm talking about. The other boy, the one that was your friend and companion, you really, really need to set things straight with him. You know where you heart lies, you've always known. Don't end up like me alone, lonely and without love. You have that, you always had. Just reach out to him and be with him. In the arena I told you to survive. This time, Katniss, fight for him like he had always fought for you." I nodded in acceptance of what my heart already knew.
"Did he find me," I asked. He knew what I was asking.
"He'll always find you," Haymitch confirmed.
I faced each day with the same ache and longing for the sister I had lost. The mornings found me struggling to get out of bed with a heavy heart. I had not seem Peeta since that day, not that I blame him. I did in fact abandon him in my own bed. I pondered at the words Haymitch told me days before. I knew he was right. I just needed to get the courage to act on it. So I was surprised one evening as they all showed up on my doorstep. Haymitch, Delly, and Peeta entered my home without an invitation and set up dinner. I noticed that Peeta held a large box in his hand. I was too shocked to ask what the box contained as he walked straight into the kitchen. We all sat down for dinner. Peeta was seated at the far end of the table away from me. He neither spoke nor looked in my direction. He was polite and civil as I realized that whatever progress I made with Peeta was gone. We were back to square one like the first day he arrived.
With a heavy heart, I added my transgression to the list of mistakes I kept making with him. Why does his presence always left me flummoxed, tongue-tied and acting like some schoolgirl crushing on the cutest boy in school? I led a rebellion and killed people during a war. I am Katniss Everdeen, the Mockingjay. I was so engrossed with my despair that I didn't notice him leaving the table. He came back with a two-layer cake decorated with primroses. It was the most beautiful cake I've ever seen. Prim would have loved it. Tears dripped from my eyes. Peeta looked back with a small shy smile. "It's for Prim, I hope that it's okay that I…"
"Thank you," I sobbed. Haymitch stood and took me in his arms. Delly followed after him. I turned to Peeta last and launched myself at him. I didn't care that he stood in shock and in surprised at my gesture. He placed his arms around me as if I was glass. His embrace was gentle and comforting. I held on tight as I wept on his shoulders. He was still thin but solid. I wanted to hold onto him forever.
A minute or two later, I don't' know how long we held each other; someone cleared their throat. "Let's cut the cake," Delly interrupted as she took a long knife and handed it to me. I looked back at Peeta who had a sheepish look on his face. Delly was looking into his band for any signs of distress or anxiety.
"You did a great job, kid," Haymitch commented as he nudge Peeta by the elbow. He blushed further as Haymitch smirked at him.
I was happy to see that the knife in my hand didn't bother or alarm him in any way. I turned back to the cake in front of me. I didn't have to ask where or who made the cake. It was Peeta all over it. The pink script written, 'Happy Birthday Prim' and primroses gave it away. I grabbed Peeta's hand with my free hand and clutched it to my side. He was startled but kept still as I held on to him.
All night I didn't let go of him, I sat beside him as Delly served the rest of the cake. I held onto his hand when we had coffee. Not once did I turn to him or look at his direction, but held on to his hand. Delly smirked at me when I laid my head on Peeta's shoulder. I was so comfy and relaxed that I didn't notice that I kept yawning every five minutes.
"Hey, guys, I think it's time we all head out," Peeta announced. He prodded me a little, "This one can't keep from yawning all night. I think it's time for bed." I wished everyone goodnight and walked them out the door. I hugged Peeta last, my embrace longer than the others.
"Can you stay for a while," I whispered as I held on to him. He nodded as he let me go.
"Delly, I'm going to stay for a while. Why don't you head back to your place? I don't want you in my house alone," he said. Delly winked at me as I tried not to blush as I walked her to my door. I walked back to the kitchen to find Peeta putting the cake away in my icebox.
"Peeta, come here," I instructed as I extended my hand to him. My voice was firm but my legs shook. I led him back to the living room and made him sit beside me. "Thank you for the beautiful cake." I told him as I laid my head on his shoulder. For as second, he stiffened then placed an arm around my shoulder. I took a deep breath and relaxed against him.
"Why don't you head upstairs and get some sleep?" he asked in a quiet tone that calmed and soothed me.
"I needed to…I can't sleep and when I do I dream of Prim and…" I struggled with my words. I clutched onto his slim waist feeling the tone stomach muscles. I had visions of my hand running up and down his chest and stomach. The familiar ache returned between my legs. I shivered at the sensation and his close proximity.
"Hey, it's okay. We can stay here if you want," he said. He looked conflicted and uneasy. He was weary of my intention. Then, I remembered Haymitch's words, 'Fight for him like he had always fought for you.' "Sleep with me." The words blurted out of my mouth before my mind registered what I had said.
"What?" Peeta gasped in shock. "Katniss, I don't think that's…" He cheeks turned a deep red. He was adorable as his ears turned pink.
"What I meant is, stay with me in my bed," I said and hoped that my cheeks didn't turn the same shade. My neck felt warm and my hands sweaty. "I don't want to be alone and you're the only one that I trust." My voice shook. "I sleep better when you're with me, don't you?" I looked at him for a response. He nodded his head.
"Why don't you get ready for bed while I secure the house for the evening," Peeta said as he looked anywhere but at me.
I shook my head, "I don't want you to leave and if I go upstairs by myself I'm afraid that you'll leave," I admitted. "Please come with me." I took his hand and led him upstairs to my bedroom. "I'll be just a minute." I turned and left the room.
I went straight to my bathroom, washed my face and brushed my teeth as fast as I could. I didn't want to give him an opportunity to change his mind. I returned back to the room to find him staring out of my window. "It's your turn. There's a spare toothbrush on the counter and a fresh towel," I said as I sat on the edge of my bed. He walked into the bathroom.
A few minutes later, I looked up to find him staring at me. "Peeta, are you okay?" I asked. I watched him swallow a couple of times but no words were spoken. I got up and headed to the right side of the bed. I turned the covers over and crawled in. Peeta took a step forward. He sat on the bed and took off his shoes while leaving his socks on. I was disappointed when he took off his shirt to find him wearing a white undershirt. He kept his pants on but removed his belt. I didn't say a word when he crawled into the bed beside me and looked up at the ceiling.
There was a space between our bodies that felt like a mile separating us. I grabbed his hand as I turned to face him. His eyes were opened but looked vacant. I couldn't hold back the tears as they ran down my cheeks. He was here beside me but so far away. I didn't know how to reach him.
"Katniss?" Peeta said in a soft tone. "Shh, it's okay. I'm here." I sobbed when he turned and wrapped his arms around me as I placed my head on his chest. I cried for few minutes as he spoke comforting words to me. He mistook my anguish for my longing for Prim.
"Prim will never know pain or hurt ever again. She was loved and will always be loved," Peeta said. "She loved you more than anything and anyone. Her love will never die, Katniss. You moving forward would be the greatest gift you can give her on her birthday. She would want that for you." Peeta's voice was soft and calming. I felt my body relax and my mind at ease.
Safe. That is what I always felt whenever Peeta held me in his arms. I wanted to hold onto this feeling, his arms around me as the world slipped away from us. To feel safe and loved by him. I want a chance to love Peeta like he deserved to be loved. Johanna was right, I loved him because he was easy to love but to give him my heart, it was the one thing I never had the courage to do. This was my new arena and the monsters I had to fight were his distrust and weary heart. This was what I am fighting for. As I closed my eyes I had visions of a blond haired little boy running around my feet with gray eyes staring back at me.
The next morning I woke up to reach for Peeta. What I felt was an empty space beside me. Peeta has left me like I had abandoned him days before. The pain and rejection that seared my chest was deep. I fought the tears that tracked down my eyes. The bed felt cold indicating that he had left hours ago. I took a deep breath and gasped in shock. Around me was a fragrance I haven't smelled in years. The aroma of fresh bread hovered the early morning air. My Boy with the Bread had finally come home; Peeta was once again baking bread.
Thanks for those who reviewed and favored my story. As always they are greatly appreciated.