"Liv?" Alex looked panicked as she awoke, relaxing when she felt Olivia's hand in her own.
"I'm here, baby," Olivia said softly. She had not left Alex's side, nor was she planning too.
"Wha's time?"
"It's night-time," Olivia looked at the clock, which read 4.22am. "You should sleep Alex, if you can."
"You'll be here?"
"All the time. I'm not going anywhere. I promise," Olivia kissed her hand. "Try to relax."
Alex nodded, but then grimaced.
"Are you in pain?"
Alex looked confused. She nodded. "Yeah."
"I'll call the nurse, we'll get you some good drugs," Olivia was already pressing the button.
The nurse was there in seconds, and injected something into Alex's IV. "That should kick in right away," the nurse said kindly.
Alex's features started to relax. She squeezed Olivia's hand. "You won't leave?"
"I swear," Olivia reassured her, running her hand through Alex's hair. "Close your eyes, baby. And I'll be right here when you open them next. I love you, Alexandra."
Alex slept for nearly three hours, jerking awake just after 7am, a look of fear on her face.
Olivia stroked her arm. "It's okay, honey. You're in the hospital. You're going to be okay."
Alex turned her head to look at her. She felt so frightened and disoriented. She had a hazy recollection of the events of the past 24 hours, but her mind was clogged with all the drugs. Only Olivia's face made sense. As long as she had Olivia, it would all be okay. She tried to blink back her tears, but felt them falling.
Olivia sat gingerly on the side of the bed, and slid an arm around Alex, careful not to dislodge any tubes. She felt Alex press her face into her side. "It's okay, baby. Cry all you want. You've had a terrible time. Let it go, sweetie. It'll all be okay."
Eventually, Alex calmed, and drifted off to sleep again. Olivia retook her position on the chair by her bed, making sure that she never released her hand. Alex was so scared, so fragile, she needed to feel her there physically at all times. Olivia had never been so tired in her life, but she couldn't bring herself even to take the three steps away from the bed to lie down on the couch. Alex needed her by her side, and she would be there, whatever it took.
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"Lily?" Alex asked weakly, early that afternoon.
"Carolyn's helping Rosie and Melinda with her. And Sarah and Jay are going to help out too. They all want to come see you, but I told them not today, was I right Alex?"
Alex looked alarmed. "I … I … no. I just want you. Only you. I don't want to see anyone."
"That's okay, sweetheart. You don't have to. I'll text them all, let them know you're doing okay, getting stronger, but that you aren't up to visitors yet."
"Maybe tomorrow?"
"See how you feel tomorrow. Don't push yourself, Alex."
"I don't want to talk about … it," Alex looked anguished. "Losing it. I can't … there aren't words."
"You don't have to," Olivia tried to keep her own voice even. "Not even with me, if you don't want to. As long as you know how much I love you. Lily loves you too. So much."
"I miss her," Alex winced as she tried to sit up a little. "Is she okay?"
"I'm sure she's fine. She's in good hands. You just let me know when you want to see her. I think maybe you should leave it a couple of days, so you're not in so much pain?"
Alex nodded. "Sarah too. I'd like to see Sarah."
"I'll call her now. How about I ask Sarah to bring Lily in on Wednesday? Then you can see them both. And if you change your mind on Wednesday, that's okay too."
"S'good," Alex was already fading.
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Over the next two days, Olivia stayed by Alex's side the whole time, only leaving her for brief minutes when she went to the bathroom. The nurses were kind and brought Olivia food and drink, so that she could stay with her lover.
Alex hated that she felt so clingy, but she just couldn't bear to be away from Olivia. Nothing made sense to her any more, and she felt that she was only just clinging on to reality. Only Olivia anchored her. She knew she had lost their baby. What she didn't know was how much damage she had herself sustained. And she couldn't talk about it, not even to Olivia. Olivia had told her she was going to be fine, but she didn't know what that meant. Maybe Olivia didn't either?
Alex could tell that it must have been bad; very bad. She knew this not only because of the pain she was still in, and the residual fever, but she could tell just by looking at Olivia's face. She tried to hide it, but the look of devastation and exhaustion was clear to Alex. Alex half-heartedly tried to get Olivia to sleep on the couch in her room, but Olivia wouldn't leave her side, and for that Alex was grateful. Feeling Olivia's warm hand in her own, her arm around her, her lips on her own, was the only thing that was keeping her together.
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On Wednesday morning, Alex awoke to see Olivia's beautiful face. "You need to sleep," Alex told her, her voice still weak.
"I did sleep, Alexandra. I'm sleeping when you are."
"Your back must be killing you," Alex realized what she was putting her lover through.
"My back will be fine. I'll have a warm shower when Sarah is here. Do you still want her to bring Lily in?"
"Yeah. Carolyn came come too, if she wants."
"She'll love that," Olivia smiled. "She's been texting constantly. She loves you, Alex."
"I'm so glad we're friends again," Alex's voice betrayed the emotion she felt.
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Carolyn tapped on the door of Alex's room. "Are you up for some visitors?"
Alex tried to smile. She put her hand out to her, which Carolyn eagerly took. "Sarah's just parking," she told Olivia, "she'll be here in a moment with Lily. Lily can't wait to see you both."
Olivia smiled, and ceded her place on the chair. "I'll be right back," she promised Alex, and stepped out into the corridor. She saw Sarah coming toward her, with little Lily toddling by her side, clinging tight onto Sarah's hand.
"Mama!" Lily called when she saw Olivia. She took off at a rate, trying to run down the corridor. Only Sarah's tight grip stopped her falling on her butt. Olivia swept Lily up into her arms and held her tight. "Thank you," she mouthed at Sarah, who smiled warmly, and touched her arm gently.
"Oh my baby," Olivia whispered, reveling in the feel of the little warm body in her arms. "I've missed you so much, Lily, we both have."
"Mommy?" Lily asked.
"Mommy's been sick, baby," Olivia tried to explain. "She was very sick, but she's getting better now. She's going to be fine, Lily," Olivia saw the stricken look on Lily's face. "Truly. She'll be all better real soon. But she's missed you so much, she can't stop talking about you."
"Want Mommy," Lily's face had crumpled.
"We'll go see her right now. We have to be quiet with her though, sweetie. She's still real tired, and a little sore. So we've all got to be kind to her, and not make too much noise."
Lily nodded.
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"Someone wants to see you," Olivia tried to keep her voice even as she brought their daughter in to see Alex.
Alex's face lit up at the sight of Lily; only Olivia saw the mixed emotions that flitted across her countenance. "Baby girl," Alex tried to make her voice sound stronger. "Come here and give me a hug."
Very carefully, Olivia placed Lily on the bed, making sure that she was nowhere near Alex's wound. Lily wrapped her pudgy arms around Alex. "I love you mommy," she said.
Alex held her close. "I love you too, sweet baby. I've missed you."
"When you coming home?"
"Another few days yet," Olivia said softly. "Mommy's doctors want her to stay at least three more days, just so they can make sure she gets better as fast as possible. Then we can take her home. Won't that be wonderful?"
Lily nodded gravely. "You still sick Mommy?"
"I'm getting better all the time," Alex smiled. "Seeing you has made me feel so much better."
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Olivia waved their family off down the corridor, returning to Alex's side. She was unsurprised to see tears pouring down Alex's face. Carefully, she climbed on to the bed and took Alex in her arms, holding her lovingly. "Shh," she whispered, wiping her tears with her thumbs. "I know, sweetheart. I know."
"Lily … ," Alex hiccoughed. "Our baby … could have … I couldn't bear it if we lost Lily," Alex wept for what might have been. "I'm so sorry, Liv. I lost our baby. I lost our baby," she wailed, as her sobs overtook her.
"It's not your fault, Alexandra. It happens, sometimes. It's awful, and unbearable, and hideous. But sometimes it happens. And I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for you, I'm sorry for us. But most of all I'm grateful. I still have you. We can cope. Losing the baby is terrible. But we can cope. I couldn't cope if I lost you. You are the most important thing in the world to me, Alex. We'll be okay. You'll be okay. Let it all out, baby," she rocked her gently. "I'm here with you. I'll love you for ever. Let me be strong for you this time. You can lean on me. We'll get you all better. There, baby," she cupped her cheek tenderly. "It'll be okay."
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Friday evening 8pm
"She's only been home a couple of days," Olivia spoke into the phone as Alex slept. "Let me check with her first. She's still … kinda fragile."
"Just send her my love," Caryn said. "Tell her … I'm sorry, is all. Let me know when she feels up to visitors. We miss her here."
"Thank you, Caryn," Olivia said. She heard a phone ringing in the background. "Are you still at work?"
"Just finishing a few things. I'll be leaving soon. What about you, HC? How are you holding up?" she asked unexpectedly kindly.
Olivia was stunned by the gentleness of her tone. She was at a loss as to what to say. She was so focused on supporting Alex that she hadn't really thought about how it had affected her. "I'm grateful," she said eventually. "I still have her."
"She's a lucky woman to have you, Olivia," Caryn said. "You two take care of each other, huh? And kiss that gorgeous daughter of yours for me."
Caryn hung up the phone, surprised to find her own eyes filling with tears. She couldn't imagine ever having a relationship like that; a partner who would do anything to support her, to make her happy. She felt a sudden, sharp pang of loneliness, as well as the recurring regret she felt whenever she thought about her one true love. She needed to be touched, held.
An hour later, Caryn strode into the bar. It was packed with lesbians of all ages, all looking for something – a girlfriend, a partner, a family – or just a quick fuck.
Caryn knocked back two quick bourbons to give herself courage. She approached a tall, leggy brunette who had been looking at her appreciatively, and smiled seductively. "I don't do relationships," she whispered. "Still interested?"
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Alex awoke alone at 10pm. She got straight out of bed. "Olivia?" she called, going into the living room. She saw her lover sitting in an armchair, a stack of files next to her.
"Alex? Are you okay?"
Alex looked shaky. "I missed you," she said, simply.
"Oh baby, I'm so sorry. I was just trying to catch up on some of these," Olivia gestured to the pile of case files.
"You should be going back to work," Alex said.
"Not yet. I'd rather be here. With you."
Alex nodded, tears springing to her eyes. She hated that she had so little control over her emotions.
"Why don't you keep me company?" Olivia suggested. "Here," she grabbed the afghan off the back of the couch. "Lie on the couch, I'll sit here with you, while I finish up here."
Alex allowed Olivia to guide her onto the couch, and lay obediently as Olivia pulled the warm afghan over her. Olivia settled on the end of the couch, smiling as Alex immediately snuggled into her lap, her head resting on her thigh. Olivia caressed Alex with one hand as she worked. Soon, she felt Alex relax.
Olivia was worried. In some ways, Alex seemed to be recovering from her ordeal, but she panicked when Olivia wasn't close to her. She was warm and loving with Lily, but even when she was with her, she still looked round to make sure Olivia was close. Olivia hadn't yet broached the subject of therapy, but she increasingly wondered if that would be the best thing. She knew Alex would hate even the suggestion, but she wanted to do what she could to help her come back to herself. Olivia let her hand run through Alex's blonde hair. She would try not to spook her. These things took time, she knew that. She would do whatever she could to help.