Chapter 10: Now we're even…

My head reeled from our latest discovery, and for once, I was glad that I wasn't the only one. The three guys looked just as confused as I was.

We sat silently at the table together, eating dinner. Every now and then I would hear Duo mutter something along the lines of "impossible" and Heero was skewering his food onto his fork with renewed vigor. Quatre hardly ate, even though he was the one who cooked.

My first instinct was to leave. My second was to say something. But my mind stopped myself from doing both. Leaving would be rude, and talking would be annoying. So instead I allowed myself to be taken away by my mind into countless theories and philosophies as to how this has happened.

So, this is what Heero and everyone else felt like when I told them they were cartoon characters. I was left to question my own reality and my own free will. Has my existence been created solely for the purpose of this cartoon? Clearly there had to have been a mistake, since I wasn't supposed to be thrown into THIS world, because I was created here. Or was I? I didn't know anymore. Maybe this is all just someone else's story and they're telling it exactly how it's happening to me. It boggles the brain.

If I was fake, then that means that everything else I knew was fake as well… my friends, my family… and it made them seem less real, and to my shock it automatically made it feel easier to let go of my previous home. This thought disturbed me, and I began to feel sick. I pushed my dish of food away from me.

"Are you not hungry?" Quatre asked, breaking the silence.

"No." I whispered. I began to feel tears working in the back of my throat, and I took my napkin from my lap. "I… I'm going to bed." I announced softly, and stood up. I began to take my plate.

"I'll take care of it." It was Heero who said it, and I stared at him. His eyes were averted towards the glass sliding door, as if he found something peculiarly interesting over there. I wasn't sure whether to listen to him or do it anyway. Finally he glanced at me, and I set my plate down.

"Thanks." I muttered. "Goodnight everyone."

Once I got into my room, I sat on the end of my bed, staring at my hands. After living with my new appearance for so long, I began to get used to myself. And the more I thought about it, the less I could really grasp the picture of how people looked from my world. It was still there, of course, but an image in the mind is so miniscule compared to the actual visual experience. I missed my family. My friends. I wanted to talk to someone, someone who knew me for who I was… or at least who I used to be. My best friend Alicia, my mom… I always had a good relationship with my mom.

But there were things that I don't regret leaving behind or forgetting. In fact, I think I could do without my entire childhood.

My parents were divorced when I was five, and my father was given custody of us. He was an incompetent parent… even I could tell when I was little. But my mom couldn't handle the responsibility. Don't get me wrong, I know she loved my brother and me. She always tried to see us, and even though she chose not to keep us, I always found her to be the better parent.

My father… my least favorite human being in all of existence. To me he was the closest epitome of evil that I had ever experienced. He didn't know how to raise children, and was always… strict. The thought of him only manages to bring back bad memories, and it's no wonder why. As I was so disruptively reminded earlier at the computer with Quatre, I have a history of molestation with my father. It's not something that I prefer to dwell on anymore.

If I am just a made up character, then that produces new anger at my creator. Why must someone create such pain for their character? Whatever. If there is something good to get from this new information, it is that the girl always ends up going back home. Dorothy always goes back to Kansas.

That night I slept uneasily, with strange dreams drifting in and out of my subconscious. Faceless people, with no form, only shadow. The strange feeling of a small pin overwhelmed by surrounding boulders, yet they weren't boulders and there wasn't a pin, because there was no form… it was a feeling. It was weakness. Loss of power. Loss of control. And the feeling of falling…

I awoke with a start in the middle of the night, worried that I would be tipped from my bed into… what? I couldn't remember my dream. They seemed like just whispers to me, stolen away by my consciousness.

It was pitch black and late… and whatever it was that I was dreaming was making me feel uneasy, as if something or someone would come out of the shadows and overpower me…

"Idiot…" I muttered to myself. "You're still scared of the dark."

But saying this didn't make me feel any better, and I turned on my light. There was no hope for sleep anymore. At least not for tonight. I sat up against my bed post for the rest of the night. I had never felt so alone.

Days later I still didn't feel much better than before. I hardly slept anymore, and when I did sleep I'd wake up feeling scared and small. I refused to tell anyone, however, and I hardly spoke to Heero, Duo, or even Quatre. I had completely closed off. The only time the four of us would be together would be for meals and for watching the cartoon.

I stayed up late every night, writing notes to myself to hypothesize and theorize my predicament. And other times I would just write nonsense… I would ramble on in my writings about philosophies. I would make a pro's and con's list of my situation and a pro's and con's list if I was never to go home. I was running out of paper in my folder very fast.

Finally, I decided to try and draw or paint the people that I remembered and cared about. I stayed up late in the dining room, with the curtains for the sliding door closed, keeping me safe from the lurking darkness behind me. The dark emptiness of the house and the new thought of the intimidating basement below my feet made me keep the dining room and living room lights on.

I had found old children's watercolors in my bedroom, and I sat there at the table, struggling to make a perfect likeness of my mother. All was in complete silence, except for the rustling of the trees outside. The weather had become increasingly chilly over the past couple of weeks, and rain was beginning to come in almost predictable patterns. I was so frustrated with my failed attempts to recreate the people that I had loved so much, that it seemed to constrict my chest and cause a lump in my throat that I could not rid myself of.

Then I heard the front door open and slam shut, and I jumped in my spot, causing my muddy-colored water to spill all over my painting. I cursed loudly, and threw the ruined artwork across the table, along with the plastic container I was using to hold the water, which fell on the floor with an echoing thud. I placed my head in my hands, and the lump in my throat was starting to loosen as my eyes began to brim with tears. I couldn't understand what made me so upset. The sound of the door had startled me; I hadn't even heard the key, it was no big deal.

I looked up between my fingers, and saw Trowa standing there in front of me. He stared at me for a moment, and then picked up the plastic container that I had so viciously thrown.

I attempted to wipe away the tears that were in my eyes, and began to try to clean up my mess. "I didn't get you wet, did I?" I asked, though my voice sounded constricted.

"No." he replied. He stepped forward and picked up my ruined and abandoned portrait.

I finally caved, and slammed my hands on the table in defeat. I knew the reason for my anger. "I can't do it…" I whispered through my tears. "I can't remember them. I can't recreate how they used to look. It's becoming like a dream for me now …" I slumped down into my seat, and put my head in my hands. "I can't remember them."

"You mean your family." Trowa replied quietly. He stared back at the painting. "This was… your mother?"

I nodded silently. Then I heard the pounding of feet coming down the stairs. Duo and Quatre appeared first, and greeted Trowa enthusiastically. Heero followed afterwards, his hands in his pockets. He glanced at Trowa for a moment, as if acknowledging his return with little or no interest, and then looked at me. I immediately looked down at my hands again. I began to quietly try to clean up my mess while Quatre and Duo were preoccupied. Maybe I could sneak by unnoticed...

But oh, it could never be that easy for me. Yes, it was clearly a rule that whenever I have my nervous breakdowns, EVERYONE will be there for it.

Duo noticed the mess that I was attempting to hide. "Whoa… what happened here?"

"My entrance startled her while she was painting." Trowa replied, beating me (thankfully) to the punch.

I gave a chuckle to go along with it, but it sounded artificial to my ears. I kept my head bent as I cleaned up. Heero stooped down and began to help me. "You don't have to…" I said quietly to him.

"Are you alright?" He asked me, keeping his voice just low enough so the others wouldn't pick up on it while they continued to talk.

"I'm fine," I replied, and I wiped more vigorously at the floor, pieces of the paper towel beginning to fall apart.

He stopped my hand with his own, and held it firmly on the floor. "Lynn." He said sternly, and I glanced up at him. He looked agitated, and… much to my surprise… concerned at the same time.

"I…I don't want to talk about it." I whispered, as I wiped up the last of the water. Two final defiant drops of tears fell from my eyes and landed on the dry floor, and I wiped them up quickly. "It doesn't matter."

I went to bed quickly, leaving Heero there on his knees, and saying goodnight to them all quickly before rushing up the stairs. As I lay in bed I rubbed the hand that Heero had touched. It was the second time he willingly touched me, and both times were out of concern. So he didn't completely hate me after all. I smiled softly to myself and fell asleep.

Apparently, by the next evening, Trowa had already been informed of everything that had happened in his absence, and he sat in front of the TV with us, to watch the cartoon. Quatre sat on the end of the couch nearest to the door, I sat next to him, Heero sat next to me, and Duo found a place on the arm. Trowa pulled up the computer chair and sat in it with the chair backwards (looking awfully sexy as he did so).

The episode started from where everyone discovered that I was who I said I was. The entire trial of the DNA tests and everyone was shown in almost perfect imitation. I glanced at Trowa momentarily, who met my eyes, causing me to feel embarrassed and look back at the television screen. Finally it reached my cartoon self looking out the window at the rain. This led to a flashback, and my stomach dropped. Had I known that what I'd be thinking would be displayed in this cartoon…

A little girl watched from a window as a car drove away, while she cried to herself and called out to her mother. She could have been no more than five years old. The rain pelted down, slamming against the window, making the sight of her mother driving away less and less visible. My breath caught in my throat when I realized that that was me… that was when my parents got divorced.

Another flashback. The same girl, probably about six or seven this time, was sitting on her front doorstep, doing her homework by herself. Only I knew she was home alone. Her father drove by just then, glaring at her, and she panicked. She quickly picked up her belongings and ran inside. By the time she ran into her room and hid under her bed, her father came in, a fiery anger in his eyes. "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NEVER TO GO OUTSIDE! WHERE ARE YOU? GET OUT FROM UNDER THAT BED!" I squeezed my eyes shut against that memory. I opened my eyes again, completely entranced by what was happening. I couldn't turn away. Not yet.

Another flashback. The girl was cowering on the couch with her younger brother, while their father repeatedly smacked them and hit them, yelling at them, screaming, "WHAT DID I TELL YOU? YOU LISTEN TO ME!" The two children both continuously cried out, "Yes sir! Yes sir!" "STOP SAYING THAT!" He bellowed as he smacked them again. Tears started to work in the back of my throat, but I swallowed them. Oh my God, oh my God… what were the others thinking right now? I couldn't look at them. Why couldn't I move? Why couldn't I just turn of the T.V.?

Finally, another flashback. It was late at night, and the girl was about to leave the living room and go to bed, when her father called her back. My eyes were wide with horror. "Oh no…" I whispered. The father laid her down on the floor, his face twisted in a leer. Then all you could see were the girl's legs, and the father's hands pulling down her underwear. Silence befell the room like never before. I gasped and covered my mouth, tears building in my eyes. Oh no, oh God no! Anything but this! Please don't show this!

A small cry escaped me then, and I lunged at the TV, clawing at it, trying to turn it off, though my hands weren't working the way they should. My finger finally hit the right button. The screen went black; I could see my own dark reflection against it, with the appalled men behind me. Tears fell, and I leaped up from the floor, and ran out of the room. My sobs that I held back broke loose as soon as I reached the bottom of the stairs.

"Lynn!" I heard a voice call. It was Quatre. Oh God, leave me alone! "Lynn, wait!" I didn't know whether to keep running, or to turn around and grasp him as hard as the pain of my memories were grasping me.

I ran up the stairs as fast as I could, taking two steps at a time. Almost to the top, I tripped and fell. I tried to push myself up and go up the rest of the way to my room, but Quatre's hands on my hips halted me. Immediately his arms were around me and he was at my side, and I clung to him as I cried like I hadn't cried for a long time. He sat there on the steps with me, holding me, and still I cried. Everything came back to me, everything I had worked so hard to heal from and move on. All the damage that was done came back and it shocked me. Finally I was able to choke out between my tears, "You were never suppose to see it… I didn't even want any of you to know. Not like that."

"Sshh…. It's okay." he whispered to me, but I shook my head.

"No… no it's not okay! It's not okay!" I cried, as I pulled away from him and stared down at the carpet of the stairs, my vision blurred by my tears. "I didn't think I'd ever have to look back. Not like that. I never thought I'd end up seeing it again. I wasn't supposed to see it."

He put his hand on my back then, and rubbed in small circles. I let go of some more sobs and as he took me in his arms again, I finally said, "I figured… since I'm here, away from my world, then I could leave that past behind me. I just wanted to be normal here. I was already different enough as it was." I sniffed, and wiped my eyes, though it didn't do any good. I looked at Quatre again, and I could see the pain there. My pain. He was sharing it with me, and I didn't want him to. "I was so weak. I was so weak… That's the weakest I've ever been, and I hated it then, and I hate it now. I promised myself I'd never be weak again. I promised myself…" I looked back at the carpet.

"You were a little girl." Quatre said his voice angry. I had never heard him angry before, especially not like this. It took me by surprise. "He was stronger than you, and he took advantage of it."

I brushed his words away. "I was ten years old, Quatre! Ten! Jesus Christ! I was old enough to know what was going on! I was old enough to be worried that my little brother would walk in! I didn't say no! I could have… but I didn't." Tears fell some more, and I put my head to the carpet.

Quatre took me by my shoulders then, and had me face him. "Listen to me." He demanded. "You couldn't have said no, because he had power over you, and he knew it. You didn't want to, but you were protecting yourself. You were scared. Anyone would be." His voice went soft on the last sentence, and my heart squeezed painfully.

I leaned against his chest and continued to cry, and he wrapped his arms around me again. I kept whispering, "I didn't want to see… I didn't want you to see." Quatre sighed, but didn't say anything.

After a minute or two, I calmed down enough so that he could lead me to my room. He had me sit down on my bed, and he kneeled in front of me, looking into my eyes with his aqua ones. "At least you were able to make him go to prison," he finally said. I smiled weakly and nodded. He smiled back, and that was the end of the topic.

I let out a shuddering breath and said, "I need to read a good book."

Quatre looked around the room. "Nothing good in here…" he said. "One of my sister's rooms. She had a terrible taste in literature. Especially at the age of seven…" I grinned at him. "I'm sure I have something in my room that you would enjoy…" he stood up to go, and I clung to his hand. I wasn't ready to be alone yet. He smiled down at me. "You can come with me, if you'd like…"

It was the second time I had been in Quatre's room, the first being the time that we went to the circus. For some reason it felt so long ago, when really it wasn't. I sat on the edge of his large comfy bed, and watched him rummage through his bookshelves. Finally he pulled down an old, worn book that looked rather sad. I was afraid to touch it, lest it fall apart at my fingertips.

"This one is very old." He announced. He sat down next to me on his bed. "My grandmother used to own it, and my father read it to me as a child. It's my favorite book, and lucky for you, it's in English."

I smiled and gently took it from him. "I'll be very careful with it."

There was silence after this, and I didn't know what to expect. Was this my cue to leave? Or would he let me stay? Quatre wasn't giving me any signs, but sat there, with his fingers interlocked on his lap, staring at the floor patiently.

I took a leap of chance. "Quatre…" I started.

"Yes?" he replied calmly, and he looked directly into my eyes, something which always took me off guard.

"Thank you…" I whispered. "For everything."

He gave a true smile when I said these words, and placed his hand over mine. It momentarily reminded me of what Heero had just done the day before. Quatre's voice cut through my thought. "You're welcome." I stared at the gesture, and he quickly took his hand away, blushing profusely. "Sorry…"

I took his hand into my own and gave it a reassuring friendly squeeze. "It's okay. Out of everyone that I know here so far, you're the one that's always there for me. You don't understand how important that is to me. You're my closest friend. But I have one more thing to ask of you."

Quatre looked puzzled and slightly apprehensive. "And what's that?"

"Can I stay here with you right now? I don't want to be alone. I need someone's company, you see." Then I added with a grin, "I promise I'll just sit here and read your book…"

He laughed at this, and replied, "I'll be glad to have your company. I have some reading to do myself."

So we both sat on his bed, leaning against large fluffy pillows. He was completely right… the book was an excellent book. It had a lot to do with the human mind and human interaction… it was very much based in psychology, and it offered suspense, romance, and humor. Yet, as good as the book was, Quatre's bed was very fluffy and comfortable, and before I could stop myself, I drifted off to sleep, the book still in my hand.

I woke up in my own bed, in my own room. Sunlight spilled into my room merrily, as if nothing bad has ever happened upon this Earth. It was refreshing. I stretched underneath my covers, and slowly slipped out of bed. I walked to the window and threw open the two halves of glass, just in time to get a nice cold, autumn breeze in my face. I closed my eyes against it, and gave a long sigh. I always get a content feeling after having a good crying fest, not to mention the weather and Quatre's kindness helped as well. I opened my eyes again. There were still clouds in the sky, but they were parted for once, and they were big and beautiful today. I looked down into the yard, and noticed Quatre and Trowa sitting at the water fountain, engaged in conversation.

I looked to the nightstand, and noticed that my book was resting on it, its age more apparent with the sunlight filling the room. I walked over and sat back down on my bed, and held the book in my hands. And for the first time since I have been here, I felt like I could stay forever.

I dressed in fresh clothes… another tank top and shorts… and left my room, down to the kitchen. I realized I wasn't hungry once I got there, and changed my course. Instead, I ended up at the pool, staring at the inviting water. It was motionless, and I walked up and swept my foot in it. The liquid flowed between my toes, almost like a massage.

I had been planning to go swimming for a while, but had been too lazy to get around to it. I shrugged off the fact that I didn't have a bathing suit, and went to the deep end of the pool. I dived in without a second thought, and spun in the water silently. I came back up and took a deep breath of fresh air.

I had been in the water for a while, doing laps and dives, and finally I relaxed and floated silently. I noticed someone enter right then, and I turned to get a better view. Who else would it be but Heero Yuy? He had his towel flung over his shoulder, and he was wearing blue swim trunks. Needless to say, he looked surprised to see me there. He stopped in his tracks. I immediately felt the discomfort rise within me… he saw my past in colorific detail. It was apparent that he was having an inner struggle on what to do as well… continue with his plan to go swimming, or turn around and walk out.

He chose the latter. But I wouldn't let him off that easily. I was tired of him acting weird around me. As he turned around to leave, I splashed him with pool water.

That stopped him in his tracks. He turned around and gave me an icy glare, and I gave him a jovial wave.

"I believe you were planning to get wet anyway, weren't you?" I commented. I heard him growl. I became more serious. "I think we should talk."

"There's nothing to talk about." he replied.

"Oh really?" I announced, my tone becoming angry. I began to get out of the pool and march toward him. "Is that why you flinch every time you look at me? Is that why you avoid me whenever you're faced with having to deal with me? Am I really that bad of a human being that you can't stand to have me in your presence?"

He looked taken aback by my words. "No…" he replied.

"Really? Are you sure? Well I know you're not an idiot, Heero… You know how you act around me and how you treat me. And I daresay, that if you're going to keep on treating me the way that you're treating me, then I damn well have the right to get an explanation. I mean, sometimes you're fine! You can actually be a nice guy towards me once in a while! But other times…? I don't know…" My rant fell away into nothingness. I didn't have anything else to say to him.

He didn't respond. I attempted to hold eye contact with him, but he looked away. I shook my head in disappointment. "You can't even look me in the eye…" and with that I turned my back on him, ready to return to my swimming session.

"I…" he started, and I stopped in my tracks. I didn't turn around. I waited for him to continue. "I'm ashamed." he said quietly, and I spun on him.

"What?" I replied, as if I couldn't believe my ears.

"I'm ashamed." he repeated. He still wasn't making eye contact, and his hands were clenched into fists.

"Of what?" I asked quietly.

"Yesterday… what we were watching…"

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

He continued. "I didn't stop watching… I should have, and I didn't." He looked me in the eye finally, and he looked so pretty… "You told me before that if you knew that I was a real person, that you wouldn't have watched my past. I knew it was your past… I could see your reactions, but I watched it anyway. I directly violated your privacy and it was exactly what I was accusing you of, it was what I was holding against you. I became a hypocrite, and there's no excuse for it. I am ashamed."

I walked up to him again, and put my hand on his arm. "You're right… there is no excuse for it. But what's done is done. I wish you didn't know about what happened to me… not like that. And what made it worse, was that I saw my own memory in that, my own weakness, which was something you didn't have to face. But at the same time a part of me is glad that you know… that all of you know, because that makes us even. Now I know how you feel, and now you know how I feel."

I began to walk back to the water, and Heero followed me. I tried to look anywhere but at him; his body kept drawing my vision back, and it was giving me all sorts of forbidden ideas. I sat down at the waters edge, splashing with my feet. In the process of looking around the pool area, I noticed Duo come out of the locker room. He was moving awfully quietly for someone normally as loud as him… I glanced back at Heero who was currently oblivious to his presence, and finally it registered. I attempted to suppress my grin, and attempted not to notice the braided sneak. I attempted to talk to Heero some more, just as Duo was sneaking up on Heero's back.

"So… Heero… don't you ever play?" I asked.

He looked confused by this question. "What do you mean?"

Right then, Duo came within range, and pushed Heero over the edge and into the water. He came up sputtering, his face contorted in anger. "DUO! OMAE O KOROSU!"

Duo and I were cracking up, and Heero's eyes fell on me. "You! You knew he was going to do that!"

I cracked up even harder, and fell back onto the floor, my feet still in the water, kicking. I nodded in confirmation. "Oh, it was so beautiful, Heero! You should have seen the look on your face at first!"

Duo blew on his finger nails and pretended to polish them on his chest with pride. He was standing right next to me, and I grinned mischievously, and pushed him by the back of his legs into the water after Heero.

Heero had to duck Duo's flying body, and a giant splash rained on all of us. Duo came up, pieces of his braid coming apart. "Traitor!" he shouted at me. I squealed, and moved my legs out of the water to escape vengeance, but to no avail… Heero had grabbed onto me. Duo took one foot, and Heero held the other, and they dragged me into the water after them.

I collided into someone's body, and at first I lost sense of what was up and what was down. Then a hand grabbed me and pulled me up. I coughed up some water, and rubbed the chlorine out of my eyes, and began to laugh. Heero was the one that had pulled me up, his hand still clasping my wrist. I splashed water into his face, and he winced. He let go of my hand and dunked me under. I couldn't tell who's feet were near me, but guessing they were his, I grabbed them and pulled with all of my might.

I came back up and noticed Duo coming up for air. "HEY!" He protested.

I kept laughing. "Sorry, I thought you were Heero!" But this made no difference to him. I was dunked a second time. I cam up sputtering again. "That's okay, Duo… I was still the one that pushed you in…"

"Is that so?" Duo said with a smirk. He grabbed me by my waist and began to march out of the water. I knew what he was going to do. I struggled and writhed against him, making it as difficult as I could. "Oi! Heero, help me out here!"

"Please, Duo! Heero's not the type to-" But then I felt strong calloused hands clamp around my legs to keep me from kicking, and I noticed Heero at my feet.

"As you were saying?" Duo beamed. They marched me right out of the water, to the side of the pool, and tossed me in like I was a sack of potatoes.

I came up out of the water, just in time to see Duo dusting off his hands. "Damn gundam pilots…" I muttered, just loud enough for them to hear. Dear Duo, being as arrogant as can be, was oblivious of Heero's true intentions until it was too late. Poor Duo flew into the water right next to me, while Heero stood above us, a look of satisfaction on his face.

"Heero, you bastard!" Duo yelled.

Heero raised an eyebrow in interest. "What are you going to do? Shoot me?"

"You're one to talk…" Duo smirked. "I'm not the only one who makes idle threats…"

I swam away from them, and floated aimlessly in the water, listening to them talk back to each other. Finally, things are beginning to become normal…