[Meiko Sakine]: Past

"It's okay, Meiko. You aren't going to be hurt anymore."

He had me convinced. I really did believe that I could be safe with this guy. His large green eyes sparkle at me in the sunlight as he pulled me into a tight embrace, arms strong and warm. I felt amazing. Like anything in the world, I could do it all. It was a truly wonderful experience, to have someone who made me so happy that I don't feel the pain anymore.

My parents had left me about two years ago, leaving a car, our old apartment, and a note saying that they can't have such an embarrassment for a daughter. I knew they didn't approve of my attire: just a short red skirt and belly-shirt, but was that such a reason for them to leave? I knew they didn't approve of me going out hours and hours past curfew, but couldn't they still love me anyways? I was foolish to not listen to them. The thing was, the more they told me they didn't like who I was, the more I kept doing the things they wanted me to change. Why, why, why did I not listen to them?

He made me believe that I was truly beautiful. He'd treat me like I was a princess, and eventually, I got used to it. And until the day it all ends, I was truly happy. But everyone has to wake up from their fantasies one day, and I did. Oh yes, I did.

I used to be bold. I used to not be afraid of anyone, anything. I didn't think any bad things would ever happen to me: oblivious to the true heartbreaks of life. And when he took advantage of more than just my kindness, I knew things weren't right. I blindly stumbled after him, doing what he said, pleasing him. He was like a vaccuum. Everything I did didn't matter in the end, because he betrayed me. I lost it all. Everything. Everything. And after that, I feared myself.

I feared showing any skin. I feared letting people get close to me. I feared being intimate with anybody. I feared it all. And when I saw him, walking with a pigtailed girl, it was broken. My heart was truly, truly broken, and there wasn't anything that could fix it. And the worst part was, that girl probably didn't know what was coming.

"You're going to get hurt someday," my parents warned me. Only then did I believe them, and it was when they were gone. Were they my true family? Were they real to leave their only child, their little girl, behind? I couldn't even rely on my parents to be there.

And the only thoughts I had were, I deserve to be alone.

I open my eyes slowly, feeling bleary and dry. I glance over to my alarm clock, in which the numbers glow 2:00 a.m. through the darkness in a flouresent green. I felt feverish, and hot, like I was sick. My head was pounding and my heart was aching, so I figured that I just need to swallow a few pain killers to help myself. I get up, shuffling out of my room, and take a Tylenol in the kitchen, gulping down some water. I rub my eyes, sitting down at the table. I lost my will to go back to sleep.

When I was asleep, I dreamt of a lot of terrible things. Things that I wished would go away, and never bother me again. The past is rough. The dream conisted of my parents, my heartbreak, and him. The terrible things he did to me. I gave it all to him, and only now do I realize that I didn't get anything in return. That bold, demanding girl I once was has faded away. Is this my true self?

I want to see Kaito, I think, then stop myself. What was I saying?! Why is it I wanted to see Kaito so bad?! I remind myself that now, I can't trust anybody. Not even the blue haired boy who was slowly winning me over. I remember how close we were to kissing each other, and instantly feel stupid. I can't wander so close to men anymore. I can't wander close to anyone.

A laugh bubbles in my throat, and I don't even know why. It was only when I felt the drops on my hands that I realized that I was crying. Again. What a pathetic, pathetic thing to do. I can't cry: it's simply unacceptable! Those thoughts made me laugh even harder: the hilarity of it all was hitting me. Even when I was laughing, my heart was more broken than ever before.

I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to bring out a bottle ever again, especially because my parents hated how I drank as well. Even so, I tiptoed over to my sink cabinet, pulled out some blood-red wine, and took a huge swig of it. The taste was bitter, burning. I hadn't gotten used to it again, but things can change. I down another gulp, and slide to the floor, tears still painting my cheeks.

"Meiko," he told me. "I love you."

"Well, of course you do," I joked, grinning from ear to ear nonetheless. He loved me. Someone out there actually loved me, or so I thought. I didn't care. I was living in the moment, happy and free. It was probably when I felt the most carefree. Whenever I was around him, I felt carefree, and that was enough to keep me at his side. "I love you too," I whispered, but who knows if he heard me.

He never did listen to me.

Then again, I never listened to myself. The warning in my heart. I thought I would be able to get right back on track, go find another guy to be with, break up, move on, repeat. That used to be my cycle, and it was broken by one person.

Everything was broken after that.