"Hey you," I said softly as I met Hayley at her locker Monday afternoon.
She smiled, and kissed me, but when she pulled back I got a good look at her face. She looked so tired, sad almost. But she still smiled at me, a sad smile. I pulled her into a hug, tucking her head under my chin.
"Hi Maxipad," she said, smirking slightly. She stood on her tiptoes and kissed me again for a long minute before pulling away. "I love you," she whispered against my lips.
"I love you too," I said, kissing underneath her jaw. She tightened her arms around me just before we pulled apart.
"Ready to go?" I asked her, taking her hand in mine. She nodded and we started walking down the hallway.
We talked about random things all the way home, from music to a test Hayley had to take tomorrow. And then, when we were about five minutes away from her house, I knew I needed to do it. Taking her hand in mine, I laid it on my thigh for a minute, turning to look at her. She was watching me, that same tired, sad smile on her face. And right then, I realized she knew what I was about to do.
"Hayley, I talked to Grace," I began but before I could go on, she spoke.
"I did too," she said quietly, turning to look out the window so I couldn't see her face.
"I don't know if this is a good idea anymore," I said slowly, the words killing me, but I knew it had to be done. "I might hurt you, and –"
"You aren't hurting me, Max," she said, cutting me off. She turned to look at me, her eyes filled with regret. "I love you," she added, in a voice so quiet it was barely a whisper.
"Maybe we should stop before we go too far, before I risk hurting you anymore. You know my history with girls…" I trailed off, resisted the automatic urge to say 'I love you, too'. My heart was aching inside of me. My throat was tight and dry. I wanted Hayley to say no, and fight me, fight for me. But she did neither.
"It wasn't right to go out with my best friends' brother anyway," she said, turning away again though not before I saw the tears pooled in her eyes.
"It wasn't right to go out with my little sisters' best friend," I said, as we pulled into her driveway.
I braked, right in front of her front door and just turned to look at her. She looked back at me, the saddest smile on her face, a smile that broke my heart. "Hayley, I'll-"
"No," she said, cutting me off as she opened the car door. "That will only make it harder."
She kissed my cheek quick before getting out and walking to her front door, unlocking it and going inside, never looking back.
I had Grace call Hayley to see if she still wanted a ride to school. So the next morning I pulled into her driveway and waited silently as she got in the car. She said hi quietly to me, before turning to talk to Melanie. I tried to forget she had been anything more than my kid sisters' best friend as I drove the four of us to school, but it was hard. Whenever I would glance in the rear view mirror, my eyes would stray to her face and I immediately wanted to take it all back, to hug her and hold her and kiss her again. To make her laugh. But I could not, I could not risk hurting her like that.
I kept my eyes on Melanie the entire ride, and even after we got out of the van in the senior parking lot. I even kept them on her as she dashed to make the bus that would take her to her school. I did everything to keep myself from looking at Max, but I did slip once or twice.
"Later weenies," Max said at the front door, just like he used to before we-I stopped myself there, not finishing the thought. Maybe it would just be easier to forget that we had ever gone out, ever kissed, ever exchanged the three most important words in the English language. Grace sneered at his back as he walked away, before heading off to her own class.
I had figured that Max had told her about the break, as I still had not talked to her about it. Did not want to talk to her about it. If I could just pretend like everything was okay, then maybe it would be okay. She can't see that I am hurting because that would hurt her. And I couldn't do that to her. I also hid my hurt from Max, did not want him to see how bad I missed him. But it was hard. So hard.
As an attempt at normal, I met with Grace at the end of the day and walked with her to Max's van. Per usual, we sat on the bumper for ten minutes before he finally came ambling through the parking lot. We climbed into the van and he immediately turned on the radio full volume to a Guns n' Roses song. We tried to discuss the better band again, but my heart just wasn't in it, so the conversation dropped quickly.
I rode the bus for the rest of the week. In class, I listened to my teachers. In the halls, I walked with Will, somehow just drawn to him, needing his friendship more than ever. In band, I kept my eyes on the drum majors, playing when I was supposed to, never stopping to talk to Max, to listen to one of his sarcastic remarks or jokes. Every once in a while I could not help but slip up and look at him. He was always talking to either Carl or Taylor about something.
When Reynolds dismissed us I headed back into the school with Grace and Taylor. I saw Taylor glancing at me, worry peeking through her carefully composed expression. She knew about it. I did not know how, but she knew.
"So I was thinking about starting to run before basketball conditioning starts," Grace said now, breaking me out of my reverie.
"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. We could run together on the weekends," I replied, swinging my trombone loosely in my hands. Grace and Taylor had switched so Grace now struggled under the weight of the bass drum and Taylor rested happily for a moment, carrying Grace's horn.
"I want to come, I want to come!" Taylor said and I laughed, surprising myself. I saw Grace glance at me with a shocked smile.
"We'll be running at least two miles every time," Grace told her and Taylor's eyes widened.
"Never mind. I have things to do on the weekend, places to go, you know," Taylor said and we all laughed.
We reached the band room and walked through the open double doors. I put my trombone in its case, and turned around to go put it in my locker but immediately bumped into something solid.
"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry," I said.
And then I looked up and saw Max looking down at me, his expression pained. My breath whooshed out of me.
"Sorry 'bout that," he said, and walked away.
My heart felt like it was being squeezed. Everything was different now. Before, if we had run into each other, he would have made a sarcastic comment. Now we were all excuse-me and yes-please. I wanted to scream, to just grab him and kiss him, to hit him even. Anything, anything to show him and the world that I still cared.
I was just about to move again when I got that sharp pain in the side of my head. I groaned and pressed my hand against the area, but it did nothing and then the pain faded away. Damnit, I thought.
Getting the feeling that someone was watching me, I turned around to find Carl looking at me strangely. Spinning back around quickly, I shook my head, trying to forget about everything.
It was hard walking through the halls now, without either having Hayley's hand in mine, or searching for her eyes in the masses. Now I just felt empty, naked. But I hid it, and I hid it well, not allowing anyone but myself to feel or see my pain. No one had even talked to me about it yet though, except for Carl, who just figured it out. Mom and Dad had not even said anything yet. They had to have figured it out by now, but I had not told them.
"Max, buddy, how goes it?" Charlie asked me, walking up and slapping my back in the hall. We had not seen each other since the first day of school, all of us in the band being so caught up with schoolwork that we had no time to practice.
"Getting by," I told him, winking. He laughed and walked on, not hearing the catch in my voice.
As I was standing outside my classroom during passing time, Laurie Wilson walked up to me, grinning seductively. I had been attempting to hook up with her since that Monday with Hayley.
"Hey," she said, winking.
I threw my arm around her shoulders and bent down to kiss her neck. When I looked up again, Hayley was hurrying by me. My heart stopped and I felt myself gasp. Through a break in the crowd I saw her hand linked to someone else's. I followed the arm up to the body of Will. My eyes narrowed as I watched her for a second until she disappeared in the crowd, her head down, before I turned back to Laurie, forcing a grin.
But Laurie had been watching me and when my eyes met hers she looked over my shoulder to where I knew Hayley was no longer visible.
"Do you still have feelings for her?" she asked me quietly, her face now drawn. Her eyes slid to the floor as I paused and felt my heart squeeze.
"Yes," I whispered.
When the last bell rang I walked out to the parking lot and met Grace, driving her home in silence. The van just wasn't the same without Hayley, who had always grabbed a ride with us. The silence was deafening so I punched the radio knob and Sweet Child O' Mine immediately filled the car. I quickly turned the knob, trying not to think about Guns n' Roses, as that always reminded me of Hayley. I landed on the next station, but it was playing Faithfully, by Journey. I punched the knob in frustration and silence filled the car.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Grace glance at me but when I turned to look at her, she looked out the window. I sighed. Then Grace sighed. I glared at her for a minute but she stubbornly ignored me.
"What the hell, Grace?" I said, anger taking over.
"Calm down, Maxipad," she replied. I slammed on the brakes. Thankfully there were no cars around.
"Do not," I said, biting off the words, "ever call me that again. Got it?" I glared at her, making sure she knew I meant it.
She nodded, backing off, and I saw understanding and a little bit of fear in her eyes. When I glanced in the rearview mirror as I pressed the gas I saw my expression and scared myself. My eyebrows were knit together and my eyes were black, shining with anger, but I could see hurt hidden deep within them. I swallowed hard, but kept driving, though my hands shook on the wheel. I had to keep going, because if I stopped, I would never start again.
In the middle of a crazy drum solo there was a knock on my bedroom door. I sighed, already knowing I was in trouble, but it was the only way to get all my feelings out without saying anything.
"Come in," I mumbled.
The door squeaked open and Melanie walked in. I just looked at her.
"That sounded pretty cool," she said after a moment, sitting on my bed.
"What do you want?" I asked her. My voice was toneless.
She looked so vulnerable at that minute, her hair down and only wearing old, holey sweats. She looked like she did when she was five years old and I would chase her if she even came in my room. I felt my expression soften slightly.
"I wish you hadn't broken up," was all she said, looking down at the floor.
My breath got caught in my throat, being held back by my heart. We just sat there for a minute in silence and then Mel got up and hugged me, before leaving the room.
"Shut the door," I managed to croak out as she sidestepped an extra-large pile of dirty laundry.
That Friday, Melanie had told me to come over and eat out of the ice cream carton while watching sad movies. She understood at least. So it was that at seven o'clock on Friday, Patrick dropped me off at the Spicklers'. He gave me a hug, telling me to call if I needed anything. I walked slowly up the steps, kicking off my shoes at the front door before opening it and stepping through.
"Hello?" I called, my voice bouncing around the high-ceiling foyer. "Anybody home?"
"Up!" Melanie shouted. I followed her voice up the stairs to her bedroom.
As I passed by the bathroom, the door opened. "Oh," Max said, letting out a breath. He smiled wryly. "Hi Hayley."
I wondered how he could do that, go on like we had not shared those three words. I nodded at him, forcing a small smile before continuing on to Melanie's room.
"I thought you said he wouldn't be home," I hissed, shutting her bedroom door.
"He's leaving in like, five minutes," she said apologetically. "You know how he is…" she trailed off, standing up to give me a hug before plopping back down on her bed.
"What're you doing?" I asked her, sitting down in the middle of the pile of blankets. She was sitting up at the top, where pillows normally were, a pile of string in front of her.
"Making friendship bracelets!" she exclaimed, smiling at me. I laughed and watched as she wove the strings into each other, a complicated design coming out.
"Where did you learn how to do this?" I asked her, fingering the string. It was five different colors, all mixed together to form a difficult-looking pattern. The string was soft though and there was a lot of it. I hoped there was enough for two bracelets.
"Camp," Mel replied after a moment. "My friend from Indiana had learned it from another camp and she taught our entire cabin. And don't worry, there is enough for two bracelets," she said, as if reading my thoughts.
"Good," I muttered, and she laughed.
"Don't worry, as soon as I finish this one we can go get ice cream and watch the Notebook while I make the second one. What kind of ice cream do you want? We have strawberry, cookie dough, triple chocolate, caramel pecan, mint chocolate…" She trailed off, getting lost in the weaving for a minute.
"A mint chocolate shake actually sounds really good right now," I said after some thought. "Or maybe just triple chocolate right out of the carton," I added. Melanie laughed.
"You can have both you know," Grace said, walking into the room. I jumped, startled.
"Jeez, Grace, give us a little warning," Melanie said, tying off the bracelet. "There, all done. Now give me your wrist."
I held it out automatically and she tied the bracelet on, cutting off the extra string.
"It's gorgeous," I told her, holding my arm up and admiring the bracelet.
"I know!" Mel said, grinning. "Now let's go pig out on ice cream!"
"Oh, not me," Grace said, patting her stomach. "I just had a three course meal at Leah's house."
They were starting soccer pasta parties early this year and the first one had been tonight. I laughed, and slapped her stomach on the way out of the room.
"Not funny!" she said, following us down the stairs.
We grabbed spoons and cartons of ice cream - we even persuaded Grace to have some - and plopped in front of the television, watching the Notebook. When that was done, we moved on to the Pursuit of Happyness. After a third sad movie, and triple the tears, we all crawled up the stairs to bed.
I lay awake for a long time that night, before at last drifting off to sleep, only to be woken up by a door slamming at three in the morning. I sighed and rolled over, trying to ignore the fact that it was Max's steps I heard walking through the house.
I was walking down the hall towards my room, trying to be quiet for once, when I heard a strange noise that I barely recognized. Realizing that it was coming from Grace's room I stopped outside the partly open door. I could see Grace lying in her bed, asleep, but then I heard the now recognizable noise. Someone was crying, and I knew immediately it was Hayley.
As she tried to suppress a particularly gut-wrenching sob I immediately wanted to throw the door open and go hold her, hold her together. But at that moment Grace sat up, blinking groggily for a minute in the moonlight that pooled through her window, before crawling out of her bed and onto the spare mattress next to it. I adjusted myself quietly and could at last see Hayley sitting there, hands pressed to her face as Grace, the unfeeling one, wrapped her arms around her, making comforting noises. It was all I could do to turn around quietly and walk into my room, shutting the door softly behind me.
Eventually, I heard the sobs subside and then I fell asleep, the moon shining brightly on the end of my bed.
"Max!" Grace shouted, and a second later I heard her feet pounding up the stairs. I rolled over onto my stomach, pulling the sheets and pillow over my head. "Max!" Grace shouted again, throwing my door open.
"What!" I said angrily, throwing the pillow off, in the direction of the door. It missed her by inches.
"I don't care anymore!" she practically screamed, then lowered her voice to an almost whisper. "Go back to Hayley, ask her out again, go out with my best friend. I can't take this anymore!" she exclaimed, her voice raising and falling. "You guys are both miserable without each other, no matter how hard you try to hide it! You should have seen her sobbing last night, it was terrible!"
"That…that was for me?" My voice was barely even a whisper.
"Yeah, dumb ass, that was all for you!"
She threw up her hands in frustration and stormed out of my room. I sighed, letting my head fall onto the pillow and allowing my body to relax into deadweight. This was too much to think about.
After an hour or so, I rolled myself out of bed and headed down the stairs. Hayley was already gone, Grace informed me, exasperated. I just shrugged, going into the kitchen and piling a plate with the leftover chocolate pancakes Jillian always made when Hayley was here. I drenched them in syrup before plopping down on a barstool, shoveling them into my mouth. Glancing back at the television I saw Grace staring at me.
"What do you want?" I asked her, narrowing my eyes. She looked away, not answering.
I sighed, loudly, and got up to put my plate in the dishwasher. As I turned around my eyes again landed on Grace who was staring at me once more. I took one step towards her menacingly and she got up and ran into the den. It was going to be a long weekend.
Grabbing my drumsticks off the counter on the way, I headed upstairs to my room and ended up messing around on my drum-set for a full hour.
"Tom?" I asked, when someone picked up the phone.
"Yeah, what's up?" I held the phone away from my ear as he spoke. Tom always yelled into the phone for some reason, deafening you if you held it too close to your ear.
"Want to get everyone together for a practice in an hour?" I asked him, getting off of the drum stool.
"If it's possible. I'll tell Charlie, you call Lex."
An hour later we were in Charlie's garage, going all-out practice mode. I had taken off my shirt a few minutes ago, only sitting there in shorts and my socks. We were all sweating as we put everything we had into each of the songs. We should have been exhausted by now but adrenaline was keeping us going. We had not done this in so long we could not stop now.
But finally, Lex hit the last note and we all took deep breaths, collapsing on the couch and the floor.
After a few moments I got up the energy to get off the couch and go to the bathroom. As I closed the door behind me and headed up the stairs in the house I heard Lex say something in a soft voice. I stopped to listen for a minute but regretted it instantly.
"I miss Hayley," he said softly, already thinking I was gone.
"Me too," Tom said.
I walked away then, trying to forget.
"There's a show again in Barracaden Tuesday night," Lex said when I came back, getting up to get a water bottle of the mini-fridge. I sighed inwardly, swallowing over the small lump in my throat. "Ray wants us to come again," Lex went on, tossing us each a water bottle. Ray was the manager of the Cadet Cafe that we played at. "He said a lot of people called and wrote asking for us."
"That's kick-ass," Charlie said, chugging the bottle in ten seconds.
"Let's do it," I said, standing up. "What time?"
"Nine," Lex said.
I nodded and left, chucking my empty water bottle in the trash can on my way out. I climbed into the van, turning on the radio before whipping out of the driveway. Just as I was turning onto the main road, I recognized the song coming through the speakers. I was about to change the station when I changed my mind and sat back, allowing the words of Faithfully to soak into me as I drove.
Monday and Tuesday went the same as the week before, with Hayley riding the bus to school and saying excuse me whenever we passed each other in a tight space. Each time she was near me it was all I could do to keep from reaching out and grabbing her, pulling her close to me, kissing her, anything.
Tuesday night we played the show to roars of approval. Sweat dripped off our faces as we ran offstage. Ray asked us to come back in a week and play the next venue. We agreed.
The rest of the week was a blur, and I was not really sure when one day ended and the next day started. Nothing was the same without Hayley to look forward to. It was as if we had always been together. It was difficult to imagine my life before her.
To distract myself, I would pick up Miranda Cow and Laurie interchangeably, whenever the house was empty. They blended into each other, and though they were very different, in my dark room, it was hard to tell. I lost count of the number of times they pushed against my chest, checking to see that I had something.
When the house was full, or Laurie and Miranda were unavailable, I would head over to Kevin's. We would sit in his basement watching mind-blowing television, smoke curling up and around the necks of our bottles, filling the room with a strange mix of smells. And though the smoke sometimes made me cough, and the alcohol burned on the way down, it took care of the pain, and for that reason I kept coming back to it.
Once even, a Tuesday or Wednesday night, I called Hayley, unaware until I heard her voice on the other end. I had just finished off my fourth beer and put out the joint Kevin and I had been passing.
"Hello?" Hayley asked, for I had somehow grabbed Kevin's phone. As soon as I heard her voice, however, I broke out into big blubbery sobs. I heard her gasp on the other end but I closed the phone in embarrassment. I had never before felt so pathetic.
What are you thinking? Talk to me, about any of it. -zoomie