Place for my Head

"I want to go to Phoenix." I breathed.

"That's great Bella, when are you planning on going?"

"I don't know when, but I don't want to go alone." I paused slightly. "Will you go with me?"

He didn't answer me. He just stared at me, disbelief written over his face. His mouth opened and closed a few times before anything coherent left it.

"You want me to go with you?" he whispered.

"Yes. It makes sense as I cannot go out in the daylight, but you can. Also people don't like talking to me but I'm sure they will have no quarrel in talking to you."

He still didn't speak. He stood, exhaled loudly and then turned to look at me. Determination written over his features.

"Bella…I don't know. I know you want someone to go with you but, I don't think one of us will be able to leave the tribe for a long amount of time. I mean, we won't be able to communicate with each other over such a long distance-"

"You can Shane, your mental connection in your wolf forms will always be there, the distance doesn't make a difference, the only way for the wolves not to talk to each other, would be if one of them decided to split from the pack and go off on his own, which given your closeness won't happen." I interrupted before he could throw excuses at me.

He stared at me again and then looked away shaking his head. Why was it so hard for him to understand how his pack worked? How much didn't they know about each other and themselves?

"Please Shane, can we at least talk to the others about this?" I would beg if I had to. I couldn't go alone, and I secretly think he knew it.

"Bella. You don't understand! I can't just get and up and leave! We are bound here differently than you know!" he sighed and turned to put his shirt on. "You either go on your own or don't go at all. I'm sorry, but that's the way it's going to be." I nodded and stepped out of his hut, letting him have his privacy, I also didn't want to be there while he ate; wolf and food would surely make me gag.

I waited until he came out, he seemed surprised to see me there. He should know better. How much did they know about tracking?

"You really need to know how to sense when a vampire is near you know, you should have known I stood here." I frowned at him, "how long have you been a wolf?" Even the young ones would of known I was stood there, they would know from how my scent was thicker.

"Just under a year. Why?" I shook my head and looked up at the grey sky. The clouds seemed to be pressing in today. I sighed and looked back at Shane. He was looking to his left, watching a man and a woman with a baby. Jealousy took over his aura. Interesting.

"Is Ayla still alive?" I had missed her mothering, and I wanted to see another person who had a connection to Theo. Shane turned to look at me, his brow furrowed. "Ayla? Theo's wife? If you aren't going to tell me I'll just try and track her down." I sighed, was there something wrong with his mind that he had failed to mention? Or was he still asleep?

He still didn't move or speak. I sighed and closed my eyes and took a deep breath, breathing in all the humans and wolves around me. When I had left their numbers were around seventy, now I thought there must at least be a hundred. I tried to find Ayla, or one of her daughters but I couldn't there were too many humans around, their scents all mingling together with the wolves, making my nose wrinkle in disgust. I really needed to get used to that again.

I growled in frustration and Shane turned to me, seeming wary, I heard the approach of a wolf to my right but I paid him no attention. "Shane, tell me were the fuck Ayla is before I get upset, and I don't want to get upset at this moment in time." I growled again, shocking myself at my frustration.

But then I sensed it.

The darkness.

I groaned and tried to concentrate on pushing it away. I needed to move away from the minds of humans, they would be the first to fall, and if it started, I had no idea if I could stop it. "Shane?" He grunted in response. "I need to get out of here," I tried to speak calmly but I'm sure he could detect a note of hysteria in my voice, "keep talking to me please, just try and distract me while we go into the woods, I really need to hunt, please help me." I hoped he would take the big hint and take me away, hoped he would sense something wasn't right.

"Come on Bella." I kept my eyes on the ground, not breathing, ignoring my surroundings. I was trying to quell the darkness that was threatening to take over my body and mind. I didn't listen to Shane's soothing ramblings. I couldn't do anything. I was in full blown panic. I didn't want it to take over. Not again. Never again.

As soon as we reached the line of trees, I ran to find a herd of deer, I ignored the wolves that were behind me and quickly drained the whole herd, the warm blood helping me push away the darkness that was threatening to take over. Helping me get myself back.

I fell onto the floor when the deer were drained and pressed my face into the mossy earth, not caring about the condition of my clothes or the wolves nearby, I screamed. I let all my frustration out; let all my panic mingle into the scream coming from my throat. It helped.

It seemed like I screamed for hours and hours, but I knew it was only a few minutes, until all of my frustration had gone. When I had become silent I familiarised myself with my surroundings. I was about three miles into the woods and just one wolf was close. Shane.

I sat up and looked over to him. He was stood near a tree, his face torn in agony. "Shane what happened? Are you all ok?" Something bad had to of happened for him to look so defeated. What could have happened in the space of a few minutes?

Now he was angry. Was there something wrong with me, because his aura was showing he was angry? Did I hurt somebody? My mind was whirring over the possibilities, wondering what I did, though I couldn't remember anything.

Shane walked towards me and sat down in front of me. He was closer than a person had been in a long while, closer than any other wolf had been except for Theo. He didn't look or feel threatening so I relaxed at the space between us.

"Bella...What happened? Tell me what happened and why and I can make sure it won't happen again, please Bella, don't put us through that again. We…we all thought something bad was going to happen. Your eyes were jet black and empty, and you were like a real stone. And when you got into the forest you were like an animal, like you were possessed. You screamed, you screamed like you were in pain Bella, like you were being ripped from the inside out.

"And…and we couldn't even touch you Bella! We can't comfort you or, try and calm you down, I…we felt so helpless. It hurt us knowing we were breaking a command from Theo, it hurt me Bella, to see you in pain." Moisture was building up in his eyes but no tears fell down his tanned face.

I didn't know what to do. I needed something, but I didn't know what. There was something near the surface but nowhere close enough to break through and tell me what I wanted. I was so like a stone, my emotions weren't even recognisable.

"I…Shane…I want to tell you…but if I do I worry that I won't be welcome here anymore. When I was away I learnt that I could crush a persons mind with my mental shield just like I can with my physical shield." I paused and Shane nodded, not looking angry, more curious. "When I tried it, I felt a great darkness within me. It…it took over my mind and a monster crushed the minds of the people in front of me."

I took another breath before continuing, "When I realised what had happened I pushed the darkness away and I didn't move for days, I was a statue. I finally hunted and decided to then come here. I…I hadn't really felt the darkness until I got upset a while before, I don't know why though. I felt it and I started to panic. I was scared of what I could do to people around here. I don't want to hurt you"

The one word I feared Shane would say sounded from his lips. And I groaned, shame becoming my dominant emotion.

"Who?"

I didn't move. I looked into his eyes, knowing if I told him he would be disgusted with me, he would try and attack me, even if I couldn't help it he would see it as wrong, against his way of life. He tried to save lives, he wouldn't approve of me killing innocent humans, even if I was upset about it myself.

"I got caught," when he didn't seem to understand I explained, "they somehow figured out I was not human. "Demon" they called me. They came with the intent to destroy me, to burn me alive. I didn't know what to but before I could do anything, I remembered what I had been told and I did it. I crushed their minds without a second thought of what I was doing or who they were. I killed them all and I hate myself for it." I looked down at the ground, avoiding his eyes. I didn't know where I would go when they told me to leave.

He sighed, and I could imagine his large hand running over his face. I waited for the onslaught of his harsh words to come at me. I waited, but they never came. An hour seemed to pass, neither of us saying anything, and I still didn't look at him.

It wasn't until he said my name that I met his eyes. They weren't filled with disgust or anger, his aura wasn't either. He seemed to be sympathetic, and understanding?I felt even more confused with him. He seemed like such a big conundrum that he could even get confused himself at what he believed.

"Bella…it wasn't your fault, and before you go butting in don't bother." He glared at me before he spoke again, I huffed but stayed silent. "I know it was bad what you did, but the way you describe it you didn't seem to be able to control it. I know you're worrying about our reaction, but I won't let them hurt you…or try to in your case." His attempt of humour didn't affect me and he seemed to realise this and carried on talking, "you are welcome to stay here if you feel you are up to it. You know the conditions on which you are able to stay?" I nodded. No killing the tribes' people, no telling others about the existence of the wolves, and no scaring the young children.

"If you don't mind, I would rather stay away from the villagers, maybe just stay in the woods? I have never really liked humans." Shane's eyes widened at my request but he inclined his head slowly in acceptance. "Also…can I have new clothes? The ones I brought with me are dresses and I don't really need to wear them for a while and I really really don't like them, I prefer freedom with my clothes." This time Shane chuckled and nodded.

"Bella, about Ayla…" he sighed and looked at me, judging my reaction. Ayla. I hoped she was alright. "She…she passed last spring, she had something which was eating her from the inside, we don't know what, the medicine women say she lost her will to survive when Theo died." He sighed and turned his head to the side, facing away from me. "The girls, moved up to Mekka country when Ayla died, we don't know if the children they may have will turn into wolves, Quil has a theory that it is only on the male gene. We will have to wait and see, but they may never marry, or they may have girls, like their mother." I nodded, again cursing human diseases.

With time what could the humans achieve with the medicine the Romanians spoke of? Could they stop killing them and give them life instead? Give names to the diseases that take loved ones? Help prolong their short life spans? Wipe out diseases altogether?

Shane left and promised to find me again in a few hours, he had to talk to the pack and strategize so they could fit me into their patrols and attacks. I sighed, thinking of how I despised fighting for the Romanians, but enjoyed it with the wolves.

I led back onto the ground, revelling in the feeling that I wasn't being shunned and grieving for Theo and Ayla. The two people I had met that didn't think of me as different.

I stayed there through the night undisturbed, my mind sorting out problems. Shane returned three hours after sunrise with clothes swinging in his hands. I quickly looked down at the clothes I was wearing and saw they were covered in dirt and leaves. I sighed and took the clothes he offered, turning my back to him I began to change, smirking when I heard Shane's gasp when he realised what I was doing.

"S...Sorry Bells, I didn't realise…" I giggled and turned back round, handing him my dirty clothes. "If you keep lying down we are going to have to find you darker clothes to wear so you can keep them on for longer. Or you could just stop lying down altogether and sit on a stool, or even in a tree?"

"Shane, Shane, Shane, then you wouldn't have an excuse to come and see me." I was only teasing, but I could see the blush of his embarrassment. I giggled again, trying to make him smile at me. It seemed to work, but his face fell into a frown quickly. What now?

"What's wrong now Shane? Do the others want me to leave?"

"No, Bella. They don't know what fully happened, just that your shield has grown and can lead you to…have a change…I…I was just wondering about what you intended to do about your trip to Phoenix? Quil said I would be ok going with you and the others agreed, that is if you still want to go…" I grinned at him and felt an urge to hug him. Instead I walked over to him and raised my arm slowly so it would rest on his shoulder. I hated the fact that I had no idea how to show them affection without throwing them into trees, or having the urge to squash them.

"Alright partner. Let's go. But first I suppose I should get my dresses just in case I have to go out into society." I smiled again at my next thought. "We might even see a new dress that would look so dashing with my complexion." Shane burst out laughing and I mock scowled at him, but my lips betrayed me and turned up into a large grin.

*

It took two weeks until we were finally ready to head to Phoenix. I had a sack on my back that smelled horribly of wolf and was filled with clothes for me and Shane, a container of water and food. Shane would be in his wolf form on the way there, and we had planned to arrive in a week, his wolf pace slowing us down also he would have to sleep. I still found that fascinating and unnecessary.

"Ready to go?" I nodded quickly and watched as Shane phased. Letting him lead the way so I wouldn't speed off with my enthusiasm. Also Shane knew the way better than I did, I didn't have the patience to listen to them talk of the way there. I only needed to do it once to know how to get there again.

We ended up stopping near a river when the sun set and the moon high in the sky. Shane phased back and took the sack from me and greedily drank the water before he started to gnaw on the chicken leg. He really did look like an animal when he ate. After he had finished and had stretched out and eventually fallen asleep, I watched him for a while, observing the innocent expression he wore when he slept. I sighed and took the now empty container and filled it up in the stream. It seemed clear enough and whatever virus it held, Shane's immune system would have no problem fighting it off. Lucky for some.

Shane slept for hours. I had changed my mind about missing sleep. I now thought of it as boring. Why would a person need to spend a large amount of their time unconscious while their body rejuvenated itself? It seemed tedious. Wouldn't you get bored of the routine of waking up, spending a few hours awake, then falling asleep, only to do the exact same the next day?

"Finally!" I didn't try to hide my annoyance when I noticed Shane's eyes start to flutter and open. He sighed and stretched, his joints making a popping sound.

He yawned and I looked at him in disbelief, how could he still feel fatigue after the length of time he slept? "I'm hungry, how do you fancy a hunting competition Bells?"

"Competition? Hunting? You? Me? What are you on about?" I'm sure this is a morning thing when no one makes sense.

"You know, see who can get the biggest deer. We didn't bring enough food for me to eat three meals, so I have to eat alfresco." He explained calmly. How much did he eat?

I nodded and grinned, waiting impatiently for him to phase. I held up three fingers, slowly lowering them one by one. As soon as it reached zero I shot into a clearing, where I knew there were some deer.

I quickly pounced on the largest buck, not paying attention to which animal Shane brought down, just enjoying the glorious feel of hot blood soothing my icy throat. I had hunted before we left, just in case we couldn't find any animals near by, but I still enjoyed it.

When I finished, I smoothed down my clothes and looked at Shane. My nose wrinkled in disgust at how he bit into the steamy flesh and swallowed it. I held back the instinct to jump on the deer and drain it, while I waited for Shane to finish his unappetizing meal. Wondering how his human side felt about eating his meat raw.

When he stepped back I giggled at the sight of the mutilated deer. There was no way we were going to be able to compare the sizes. When I pointed this out to Shane, he just let his tongue roll over his teeth and plodded back to the sack.

The week continued the same, and before I realised it we were in Phoenix. We waited in the trees till night fall so I could go out into the town without people fearing my sparkly skin. I had reluctantly changed into one of the dresses I brought, ignoring Shane's snickers at my disgusted expression. Why did women have to wear these things?

Nothing looked familiar. The only memory I had of my human home was a beach. That didn't help either. We ended up at an inn and Shane planned on going around the churches and looking at their registries for a Swan. I sighed at the humans who had to sleep and hated that they couldn't stay awake long enough for me to look as well.

I spent another night staring at Shane sleeping. I could hear the man in the room next to us entertaining a whore, the children that slept secretly in the space above our heads, the sounds of someone downstairs lighting fires and baking foul smelling bread. They all were human. I couldn't sense a single vampire in the town. I didn't know whether to be relieved or worried about the scarce numbers of my kind. I finally came to the conclusion that they would want to stay somewhere were the sun won't prohibit them from moving around during the day.

I was forced to wait in the room while Shane went wandering around the town in the daylight. I made sure I knew roughly where he was in case there was any trouble, but so far there didn't seem to be any. I started to play with Elizabeth's silver cross that still hung around my neck. I kept on fidgeting and couldn't keep still.

When I sensed Shane approaching my nerves began to take over and I had to force myself to calm down before anything could bad happen. It seemed to take forever for him to walk the fifteen steps on the stairs and then a further twenty steps to our room.

He looked dazed when he arrived back, like he had found something out he found hard to believe. When he saw me sat on the floor his face lost its dazed look and instantly became concerned.

"Are you alright Bella? You look a little worse for wear down there."

I growled at the stupidity of the question. "Sorry I'm not all song and dance at the moment I'm just a little nervous. Did you find anything at all?" I crossed my fingers, letting them pull against each other.

His eyes lit in understanding and then the dazed look came back. "No Swans live here anymore. I few decades back the whole family migrated." He chuckled slightly. "I was so surprised when I found out where they had moved to I forgot to thank the vicar before I left. You see…they all moved to Forks." Forks? Wasn't that a utensil of some sort? Why would anyone want to live there? More importantly were was this Forks?

Shane must have seen my confused expression and let out a sigh. "You have no idea where Forks is do you?" I quickly shook my head, willing for him to tell me quickly. "It's not far from La Push, about ten miles or so. We don't associate with the people that reside there, and they don't bother us." He chuckled again.

I stood up quickly and Shane flinched back. "We need to leave and go and find them Shane! Come on hurry up and go get some food so we can leave now!" I was so shocked at how close they had been and annoyed at my lack of knowledge of the world. Somebody should write it down where every place was on a piece of paper and then let people see it. It would make things so much easier.

"Bella we can't leave just yet." He hurriedly carried on when I growled. "The suns out and if you want me to buy food for the journey we are going to need money, and how are we going to get that?" I smiled slyly and set out around the inn, taking a little from everyone so as to not raise much suspicion. I handed it to Shane and sat beside the window waiting for the comfort of night to give me escape from this place and go out onto my journey to find my family. At last.

A/N This would have been up earlier but I had internet problems… thanks a lot for those who update :) sneak peaks for you all :) also anybody got any old fashion names I could use? They would be a big help :)