Chapter 5: Team - Shikaku

Being the boss would be amazing, if it wasn't for all the paperwork. Sneaking a glance at the clock, I reach for my desk's hidden compartment and the flask that resides within.

It's early afternoon, but just a sip might make the budget reports go so much quicker.

No, I tell myself. There's something that's actually important today, I can't drink yet… But what was it again? Am I supposed to meet with the Hokage? He'd smell it on my breath in a heartbeat.

Yoshino will know, surely. With the next step of my procrastination thusly planned, I organize the disparate papers on my desk and make my roundabout way to the office door. I open it just in time to come face-to-face with my deputy, her arm raised and ready to knock.

I recover smoothly. "Ah, Yoshino! I was just about to look for you." I meant to do that. Obviously. I'm a skilled jounin who can tell when his subordinates are waffling around outside his door.

"Sir, your new genin are here." She blurts at the same time, somewhat flustered.

Oh yeah, that. The team. How could I forget? Now that I know what game we're playing, some facts assert themselves in my memory.

"Right on time," I tell her, as if I had even the slightest idea that this was supposed to happen today. "I was hoping you could go through some of the paperwork this afternoon while I work with the new team."

Shit, I have I overreached? Yoshino frowns, but I can't tell if that's because she's on to me or if she just hates the idea of doing paperwork as much as I do. It's probably the latter, so I double down: "It'd be a shame if our budget wasn't approved because we miss the deadline."

No reaction. Go big or go home, Shikaku. Victory or death.

"Thanks, Yoshino. Yeah, it should all be sort of administrative stuff, but definitely keep me in the loop if there's anything important in the pile. Great!"

I sidestep my stupefied deputy and head over to Yusei's office. Banging on the door, I call out. "Grab your stuff, kid. It's time to make some friends."

"Uhh, what?" Whoops. Looks like nobody told him. In retrospect, it was probably my job to do that. No time for that now, though.

"Come on!"

Having thusly retrieved my apprentice, I start the search for my new students. It's an easy enough search, since I happen to know everyone who works for me (and I don't employ many teenagers). The purple-haired girl sticks out like a sore thumb, as does the Hyuuga child in his blands and beiges. At least the girl's dressed in ANBU blacks and greys though- not like that walking Hyuuga eyesore.

I beckon to them and step out onto the streets. Like cute little ducklings all in a line, the three genin follow me.

Yusei cuts to the front. "Sensei," he asks, "what's all this?"

"I've been told to take on a full genin squad," I tell him. "I chose the three of you. Well, I already had you, Yusei, and then-"

"Why would you have to take on a team though," he interrupts. I give him a moment to think it over- really, he should be able to figure this one out- and it clicks for him. "Oh, right. The war. We're militarizing. We did that thing- the report on this like a week or two ago, right? Increasing the number of chuunin a year and a half from now, at the Suna exams. Yeah.

"But why would they pick you? You're a department head already, sensei. You should be doing war stuff, not teaching and stuff."

His voice gets lower, to decrease the chances of his new teammates overhearing him. "And who are these guys? They look old. Like, old enough to already have teams." They heard him, judging by the Hyuuga's wince. Good, they're capable of eavesdropping. That's a basic and highly essential shinobi skill.

Hopefully these guys don't need to be taught too much.

"That's what we're here to cover." We've arrived at our destination: public training ground six. "Welcome to team six, everyone. Come on, take a seat. Introduce yourselves. Let's go around the circle; give your name, age, skills, hopes and dreams, whatever. Right? Yeah."

A single cricket chirps somewhere in the distance.

How troublesome. I kick it off: "For example, I'm Nara Shikaku. I'm twenty-four, a jounin, and the head of Tactical division. I do shadows and stuff, and my dream is… hmmm… lets not go there. Nix the dreams thing, yeah? Yusei, you're up."

"Okay, yeah. I'm Yusei, I'm seven-and-a-quarter and obviously I'm a genin. I work at Tactical too- for the last two years- and I do fuuinjutsu and ranged support. And poison, but I'm still learning that. And math, I do a lot of math and books and stuff." He's less articulate than he usually is- must be worried about making a good impression on his peers. That's good, right? Half the point of this really is to socialize these kids, after all.

I point at the next child in the series.

"I am Hyuuga Hideo," he recites formally. "I am fourteen years old. I am attached to the cryptanalysis group, and I fight using the gentle fist. I look forward to working with you all."

Perhaps he has more to say, but I'll never find out. The purple-haired girl excitedly jumps to her feet, and points directly at me.

"Alright! My turn! My name is Anko, and I'm thirteen years old." My final student practically shouts her introduction. "I'm apprenticed to Orochimaru-sama and the Scientific division, have been for the last year. I can summon snakes and beat the shit out of people! My dream is to prove that a clanless kunoichi can be the best!"

A long moment of shared confusion follows Anko's introduction, as the rest of us try to adjust to the sudden exuberance.

Yusei breaks the silence. "Wait, you work for Scientific? That's so cool! What do you do there? What is Orochimaru studying now? Is he still working on..." Ah, he's fanboying out. I really should try to make sure he never interacts with Orochimaru again. Once was far too many times, frankly.

"Well, Orochimaru-sama says it's not worth teaching me science until he knows I can survive as a ninja," Anko sheepishly reveals, "So I don't really work for Scientific. Yet."

"Right," I interject, before my team meeting becomes a gathering of the Orochimaru official fanclub. "Some facts for you all. As you now know, all three of you are apprenticed to different jounin with various non-field responsibilities. You'll continue to be that jounin's apprentice, but you will also be expected to attend team meetings, trainings, and the occasional mission. The goal here is to make sure you're well rounded Konoha shinobi- you'll get some exposure to the different aspects of shinobi life that you might not see… cloistered away in offices and laboratories with your teachers." Things like social skills, interaction with one's peers, or interaction with people who aren't mad scientists or cooky mathematicians turn out to be quite important to young shinobi and kunoichi in their more formative years.

Which of course leads us to the probably reason I'm the official team sensei rather than the legendary Orochimaru of the Sannin or even the numbers genius Yuuhi Hideki over at Crypto. Somehow, Sandaime-sama looked at the three of us and found me to be more responsible, more capable, or perhaps simply less eccentric than his other department heads. And so I'm now responsible for making sure these three prodigious apprentices don't enter the shinobi business as some antisocial puddle of ninja grey matter.

How completely terrifying.

"Everyone on the same page? Great! Let's play a game."

The game, at least at first sight, is a simple one. The three of them against me. If they land even a single hit, they win. If they can't win in an hour, they lose.

But even the simplest of games can have a complex outcome. My goal today is to push this new team into the crucible, a literal trial by combat, and see what I can forge with it. I'd like to see them argue, then come to terms with one another, come up with a reasonable strategy, and implement it somewhat passably. It doesn't matter if they win or lose; I win regardless.

Teamwork is the backbone of the Leaf, after all, and I just don't have months to waste on D-rank missions and petty squabbling. Get along, kids, or I'll kick your tiny asses until you do.

I give them a few minutes to pull off the standard scatter-hide-realize you can't win-look for your teammates-regroup routine that genin seem to do in these scenarios, then reach out with my senses. I miss them at first, but I quickly realize they've opted to put some distance between me and their first argument as an official team.

Honestly, it's a good move on their parts. These kids aren't naive enough to think that they're going to agree right off the bat, and they've saved me a few minutes of awkwardly standing around pretending I can't hear them.

But of course, it means they've taken their eyes off me, giving me the freedom to eavesdrop to my content. Hideo's Byakugan, if he's capable of using it effectively, should be able to spot me hidden among the trees as I approach. Using conventional stealth techniques here would be a good test of my team's situational awareness, but I've got bigger fish to fry.

After all, I want to see the team argue.

So as I approach the standard Byakugan range, I step into the shadows and flit across the forest floor unseen. In conjunction with some basic chakra suppression, this technique lets me get close enough to slide smoothly into Yusei's own shadow- and since I know he doesn't have any advanced sensory skills, this really is the safest place for me.

They're already bickering quite nicely without my interference. I kick back and enjoy the show.

"I mean, it's not like I know what I'm talking about," Yusei sneers, sarcasm dripping off his every word. "I only studied under Shikaku-sensei for about two years."

Hideo has a problem with Yusei calling the shots, though. "I just don't think you're qualified to make these decisions for us, kid. How are you even out of the academy?"

"Boys," starts Anko, warning evident in her voice. Yusei and Hideo ignore her, continuing their bickering.

"Seriously, I'm more than twice your age. You are not the team leader here."

"Fuck you, Hyuuga. If you could find a few I.Q. points to rub together, maybe scare up a little spark of intelligence, you might even come up with an original insult or two. I mean, your plan was seriously just-"

"Shut the fuck up, both of you fucking idiots." Anko's done putting up with their shit though. "Now look, since you're both complete dumbasses, I'm the goddamned team leader right now."

Oh, and it looked like she was going to be such a sweet girl. Why do I always get the most vulgar children?

"We're going to use some goddamned common sense here, okay? Hideo, you're good at codes and shit, right? When we need that, I'll definitely defer to your experience. But right now, we need a strategy and Yusei's the one who works in goddamned Tactical. I'm going to assume he can put together some tactics for us, you hear?"

"He is literally a child." says Hideo, just as Yusei mutters "I'm probably better at crypto than this jackass anyways." They glare at each other.

"And you're both going to get over your fucking egos or I'm actually going to kill. You. Both."

"Let us say we listen to you, Anko. I bring the codes, he brings the strategy. What do you bring to the table, oh glorious team leader?"

"I bring the goddamned snake summons that I'm actually going to feed you to if you don't shut up, stop measuring your goddamned dicks- my snake's bigger than both yours combined- and try to actually win this fight." Ah, the telltale signs of Orochimaru's teaching make themselves evident.

"Oh, I get it," quips Yusei. "Hideo, she brings the ruthless pragmatism. And apparently snakes. Sorry, penises."

"...motherfucker."

"I'm a seven year old orphan, Anko. I have neither a mother to fuck, nor am I physically capable of actually fucking anything. Try to make your insults at least slightly relevant."

Hideo makes a point of glancing upwards briefly, then looks annoyed when nobody reacts to whatever he thinks he's done. "I want you to know that I'm rolling my eyes at you."

"Oh. No pupils. Why would you even do that? It's completely pointless."

"Yeah, that's fuckin' weird."

"I want you to know that I hate you both."

Anko claps her hands together, apparently pleased. "Great! Now we're all on the same page."

"Whatever. Here's the plan: sensei will-" Yusei somehow transitions smoothly from crass and bratty to lecture-hall briefing mode. "...so be in position, and then-"

I don't let him finish. Sure, the team have accomplished goals one and two- argue and make up- without much hassle but that doesn't mean I need to make the rest too easy. Or at all, really.

I leap out of Yusei's shadow and target all three children with a sweeping low kick. Surprisingly, I connect only with Anko leg, knocking her to the ground. As I sidestep a brace of Yusei's senbon and duck under Hideo's jyuuken strike, Anko scrambles to her feet.

"Scatter!" calls my apprentice as he lobs a kunai at my feet. Ah, explosive tags. That's one way to disengage from an unwanted encounter. I substitute myself with a broken branch just outside the blast radius, cleanly dodging the explosion, and scan the treeline. The kids have scarpered. Heh, that's alright. None of these genin can hide their tracks adequately- I make a note to teach them sometime soon- so following will be a breeze.

"Your time's half up," I call out to them. Nothing like the reminder of a clock to put a little pressure on.

This'll be fun.

FAQ:

Dear thesecretsix, what's up? Ugh, quals. Everything is tests. Also, have you heard of RWBY?