His Whispers – Chapter 10 – Return To Me

The room wasn't orderly, far from it, but it had a sense of organization that was hidden to me. Tacked on the walls were half-finished sketches, photos of smiling faces and little notes. There were blank canvas' stacked against the wall as well as notebooks opened to varying pictures of my friends.

I sat down on the bed carefully, my mind whirling. I felt like I was in a stranger's room, not one that had once belonged to me. For there was no denying it, the drawings were mine, the smell was even mine.

I picked slowly at the pale yellow sheets, noticing smudges from charcoal pencils and the like, half faded from times long ago. They'd been pulled perfect and tight over the bed, not a corner not tucked, not a wrinkle. I felt alien as I sat upon them, as if I was ruining years of precision. I had a feeling they hadn't been disturbed in a long time.

I don't know how long I sat there, carefully kneading the fabric with shaking fingers, trying to digest all this information. If I were being honest with myself, I would admit that I wasn't all that surprised about this unknown world. Even as I said it aloud to myself, I couldn't feel shocked.

"Fairies," I whispered, "Werewolves, Vampires… Shadowhunters,"

I must have eventually fallen asleep because the next thing I knew I was in the middle of a raging dream, unable to wake up from it.

I couldn't tell you what it was that I dreamed about last night, some thing gruesome, horrible, I could guess. All I knew was that when I woke up, I was shaking, eyes finding immediately the glowing numbers on the clock beside the bed.

3:44, I'd noted.

I hadn't gone back to bed afterwards. There really had been no point in trying; I knew that my eyes would refuse to close. So even as I stood in the kitchen for the third hour in a row, I was still wide-awake. Gripping the plain white coffee mug in my hands, I took a hesitant sip, the now lukewarm liquid sliding unpleasantly down my throat.

I leaned against the counter, eyeing suspicious blots of dry food that littered the smooth steel surface. The whole room was modern and sleek, steel everywhere, a skylight. I sloshed the coffee around in my cup, listening to the swish of it.

6:07.

6:51.

7:19.

The minutes ticked by, and I just kept refilling my coffee and drinking it, waiting so long between sips that by the end it was freezing. I started a game with myself, trying to remember what were real or not, my memories.

Magnus was real, I knew. I also knew he was the voice on the phone with my mother. A warlock. I knew that he was very bright, and I remembered a sort of fluorescent light that came from him.

Fairies were real. They sold Magnus though pillows that I had… almost wrecked. My hand subconsciously dragged along the skin of my arm, around a translucent white scar that I just noticed.

It was like the other's… the scar. Curving into swift designs, resembling that in my notebook. I set down my mug and resumed my tracing of the lighter skin, in a curlicue of swirls and straight lines. I stopped at the end of it, where it tapered off into a small point. It had some thing to do with fairies, I attempted, narrowing my eyes as if searching the air for my answer. Nothing popped up though, both in my mind and in the air. I was left with just as much as before, the echoes of soft music in my ears.

It was then that he found me, the boy so startled he nearly dropped the stele he was flipping in his hands.

Alec.

"Oh, Clary. What are you doing up?" he asked, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot in the doorway.

I guessed it must be awkward, trying to decide if he was still mad at me or not. I wondered if they'd talked about me, the siblings, after Jace had escorted me to my room. Probably. Yet… I couldn't picture them gossiping about some thing that obviously cost their foster brother so much pain.

"Couldn't sleep," I said after a long pause, blushing as I realized he had been waiting for me to sleep.

"Oh," Alec deadpanned, looking away from my eyes.

We both avoided each other's gaze, me scratching my arm and he shifting his weight every few seconds.

Finally, the silence got too much, "Coffee?"

He glanced up at my offer, before his face turned into a small smile. I was so surprised by the change of mood that I banged my wrist into the counter as I turned to prepare it. As I brought it back to my body I could see Alec shaking. I glanced at him warily, afraid to know how I'd upset him this time. I was even more shocked to see that he was quietly laughing, moving towards me.

"Coffee's good, if you haven't drunken it all, still addicted?" he asked, mumbling slightly.

I nodded mutely, moving away so he could prepare his own as I assumed he wanted to do. Instead though, he turned and sat down at the table, watching me as I watched him.

"Oh!"

I turned to begin to make the coffee, having, as he'd said, drained the last pot. It didn't take long, me avoiding his eyes as I watched it fall into the pot. The second there was enough for one cup, I brought it out, pouring it into a fresh mug. It was then that I stopped, hands freezing over the pile of sugar's and creams.

"What- What do you take in it?" I asked quietly, certain that I was supposed to know.

I was, I knew, as Alec looked away, mouth pursed into a thin line. He didn't respond until seconds later, his voice quiet.

"Just… black, is fine,"

I slid the drink over to him, looking at the wood of the table rather than his deep blue eyes. Part of me guessed that he didn't usually take it back but decided to spare me the embarrassment of having to wait for instructions. The moment it met his hands, he took a grateful swig, though it must have been scalding.

I set the pot back in and sat down across from him, fingering my half empty cup gingerly.

"Did you… sleep well?" he attempted.

I blinked, deciding not to cal him out on the lame attempt at conversation. It was obvious by the bags under my eyes and the tired slump of my small shoulders that I hadn't.

"Fine, I guess, you?"

"Fine,"

"Oh, that's good,"

He took another swig of his cup just as the clock chimed 8:00 o'clock. That long?

"Alec, " I started, fidgeting nervously with my cup, "Are you… gay?"

He sputtered, choking on his coffee. I winced, waiting for his response as he composed himself. By the time he settled down, I was back to not looking at him.

"Umm… yeah, I am. I'm with Magnus. He's my boyfriend. We're together," he rambled, looking away.

"When did you two meet?" I said, trying to be polite.

Alec only looked away, expression pained.

It was then that Isabelle walked in, though I wasn't sure if this was a savior or an obstacle judging by the peeved look on her face. She didn't falter like Alec did when he saw me, giving me a quick look before ignoring my presence.

"Morning Alec," she murmured, deliberately not saying my name. I took another sip of my coffee.

"Morning," he grumbled, obviously still upset from our conversation.

Isabelle joined the table, as far from me as she could get. Her hair looked expertly tousled and her make up perfect. I felt like a train wreck beside her.

"Have you checked the mail? It comes early some days," Izzy asked Alec, making a point to set her back to me.

I glowered; glad she couldn't see the barely suppressed glare I shot her. Why couldn't she try to be nice, like her brother?

"Some days that aren't Sunday, Isabelle," Jace sauntered in, looking somber in his black clothing.

I couldn't help but stare at him, as I'd been too tired to do last night. As he sat down beside Alec, my hand itched to set on top of his own. He nodded towards me, earning a scowl from Isabelle. I hid my own smile in another sip of coffee; certain he wouldn't like my appreciation.

"I forgot, okay? No need to be a douche about it," Isabelle grumbled.

"Through rain, snow or sleet…" I murmured automatically, not putting two and two together as Jace's head shot up to look at me.

Isabelle didn't notice the sudden change, continuing to complain about the rudeness of her foster brother, but Alec was immediately aware. He looked at Jace then I, and for once, I didn't hide my face. Just met their looks with calm gazes of my own.

Upon meeting his eyes to my own, Jace froze, studying some thing just under my gaze. I had to look away at the unreadable expression he wore.

"Did you… sleep well?" Jace finally murmured, interrupting Izzy mid thought.

Oh, he was looking at the bags.

I just shrugged, looking into the drags of my coffee. I didn't miss the eyebrow raise I earned from the blonde haired man in front of me, I pretended to though.

"Magnus told me tonight that we should carry on life like it was before Clary…" Alec began, trailing off in search of the right word before snapping up again, "wasn't here. So maybe she'll remember!"

At the harsh looks he earned from both his siblings, he slumped in his chair, enthusiasm gone.

"And suddenly Magnus is the expert on all things memory? He took her memory away, why are we listening to him?" Isabelle snapped, crossing her arms over her chest.

I opened my mouth to speak but was interrupted by Alec.

"He didn't take her memory away…"

Jace shot him a calculating look.

"The first time," he amended, shrugging, "He's the most knowledge we've got. And mom and dad won't get our message until later this week so who knows what could happen in the mean time,"

"Let's just do it, the worst that could happen is she goes brain dead or some thing," Jace said, "And what's the loss in that?"

Though I could sense the dry humor in his voice, I fumed. Why were they talking about me like I wasn't there?

"I'm right here you know," I snapped, "Don't you think I should get a decision in any of this?"

Isabelle met my eyes with a scary calm.

"No," she finally said, her tone ringing in finality.

I took a deep breath, studying the other's reactions. Alec was looking down at the table, his face baring open signs of superiority. Jace? He was just looking at me, his face drawn in concentration. He looked almost, desperate for some thing as he gazed at me, his eyes flitting to my own only once.

"Fine," I mumbled, pushing my chair away, "Whatever."

3 days went by. They were awkward. I mostly kept to myself, spending as much time in the greenhouse or library as I could. No one seemed to go in there that much, maybe it contained bad memories, I didn't know. It went like this.

Wake up early. Have breakfast before anyone else came in then go to the library. There, some one would come in later in the morning to make sure I was there, never speaking before leaving.

I assumed they were in the training rooms, as the few times I bumped into them in the hallways they were sweaty and disheveled.

It was a similar story for lunch. I some times ran into people there, though it was never the one person I wouldn't mind running into. Always a lofty Alec or a smug Izzy. I understood that this was a whole different situation then they were used to, but they could have some sympathy towards me! Maybe I just felt bad for myself, but I'd rather them ignore me. Some times I would catch their looks differently, pained, hopeful. The second I met their eyes, those looks were gone, replaced by a shield of indifference.

The worst was knowing I had hurt them, more than myself. At least, I didn't have anything to remember them by, remember how they previously acted. All I had were vague memories, voices of theirs. How come they'd always been so friendly, so welcoming there? They were just confused, I'd tell myself. I hoped.

Dinner was always order in. Alec and Izzy would talk, discussing some thing with too many names of things I didn't recognize to try and dissect. As I picked at my food, I could feel Jace's eyes on me. Occasionally he would add some thing, but he was mostly quiet. Every time I tried to catch his eyes though, they were looking anywhere but at me.

Alec and Isabelle didn't see anything wrong with his eerie silence. Like it was some thing perfectly acceptable. They didn't even try to include him, though they were friendly to him. Some times when he said some thing particularly horrible, Isabelle would go to snap back and then hold herself in. There'd be a moment of tense silence, as Jace sat still as anything, before some one would try and reconcile the conversation. Always, it was with furtive glances at Jace's reaction. Had he reacted badly before? I wondered. It wouldn't go past me. It didn't take me long to figure out that it was when I was mentioned, or some thing I must have been involved in that he made a comment and they'd stare at him. Like always, I was the source of the pain.

Some times I'd ask questions, but they almost always went without answers. I always made sure to stick clear of subjects that might bring upon me those pained looks and careful glances. Just about the world. They'd go silent then keep talking. By the third night I was desperate for answers but getting none. My questions morphed into persistency about what had happened, about who I was. No answers.

Usually, I'd excuse myself early.

I never touched the things in my room, only staring at them. Still though, I never seemed to get bored as I looked at thing. Pictures of us all were my favorite. The one of Jace and I standing in front of a grand Manor house was my favorite, his arm was looped around me, pulling me so close you almost couldn't tell where he ended and I began.

And strangely enough, the nightmares never came. It wasn't like most nights free of the terrifying images. I felt them coming on, started shaking… the beginnings happened, demon like images contorting. I'd start the shaking, I knew, the whimpers too probably. Then, they'd stop and I'd fall into a dreamless sleep.

It was on the fourth night that I figured out why.

Dinner was almost peculiar, we all sat around eating the Chinese. Them at one side of the table, me at the other like it seemed to be every night. I had given up my questions when Alec had snapped at me the other night, leaving me hurriedly eating the food so I could retreat to my room. I found myself listening to their conversation subconsciously.

"You're getting better at your new blade, Alec, almost as good as me," Isabelle teased, smirking at her older brother.

"It's a good blade, Izzy, but I still miss the Guisam that father let me use on the boat," Alec replied, sighing as he thought longingly of it.

"At least you had a good blade on the boat, all I had were a couple Seraph's," Jace muttered, rolling his eyes at his brother, "And you still managed to get yourself knocked off of it."

"That was hell though, most people got knocked off at least once," Alec sniffed, "That was a good day though, besides the deaths,"

"How was that a good day, Alec?" Isabelle exclaimed, shaking her head in exasperation.

"Jace killed Abannon for one, and he saved Simon and Clary," he pointed out, before freezing.

I expected their eyes on me, as they some times did when they said too much information, but they were on Jace instead. He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath before opening them and looking away. He looked like he was about to speak but changed his mind, closing his mouth.

Images coiled around me, causing me to gasp. I could no longer see those around me. I saw armies of grotesque beings gathered, slithering and calling in sickly chirps to me. I saw water logged around, felt pain in my head, but mostly I saw blood, blood everywhere.

When I finally found myself, I was the center of three stares.

"Excuse me… I have to go," I mumbled quickly, letting my chair screech backwards as I stood to leave. No one followed me. I didn't go to my room, instead heading to the library. I'd found a group of couches there on the first day, hidden by a stack of dusty encyclopedias.

It was there that I curled up into myself on one of the plush couches, eyes wide. I tried to stay awake as long as possible, knowing that the nightmares would come that night, no matter how hard I wished them away.

The nightmare was there, pulling me so far into it that I couldn't even know it was a nightmare. Blood, death, screams. Images of those gruesome creatures filled my vision, littering the air with a foul smell I couldn't imagine on my own.

It went far, not just to the beginning. I was afraid I'd never get out as I felt pain in my palms.

I was aroused from my terror by hands gripping my arms and yanking me upwards.

"Clary, wake up!" the voice commanded, shaking me a little.

I gasped, my eyes finally opening to meet gold. I didn't know I was shaking until my vision began to blur in both tears and motion. I gasped out breaths, relief flooding through me so fiercely that I felt weak.

Jace let go, his eyes panicked as I gripped my head in my hands.

I was sure I was imagining his hand on my back until he spoke, his tone as gentle as it had ever been.

"What was your dream about?" he murmured.

I looked at him, shocked to see the carefully constructed wall torn down to reveal such vulnerability that I had to look away.

"I- I don't know. There were creatures and blood… god, so much blood," I stuttered, closing my eyes against the images that threatened to spill over.

He was quiet for a while, not removing his hand from my shoulder where it sat, warm and comforting.

"Was it the same as yesterdays?" he finally asked, looking into my green eyes.

"What?" I demanded, pushing him away as I stared.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair morbidly. It was so long before he spoke again I was starting to think he wasn't going to.

"You were having these nightmares before you left," he told me, not bothering to sugarcoat the words like Alec had tried to, "you'd wake me up you were thrashing so much. That first day, when I saw how exhausted you were, I knew that you were having them again. So I did what I used to do. I calmed you down."

I stared at him, angry for no reason. I didn't know why exactly. Everything was just so screwed up! This boy beside me was in pain because of some thing I did! I didn't care that I didn't want to or that I had no recollection of this, I knew that I was killing him.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, wiping fresh tears from my cheeks.

"Why?" he asked, "It's not like you meant for it to happen."

When he saw my stupefied look he reluctantly continued, "I was angry at first. So angry I couldn't speak, I wouldn't speak. Then I was upset. Wouldn't come out of my room. Then destructive. I was an idiot,"

He laughed humorlessly, his eyes haunted.

"I would throw myself into battle so hard that I'd get myself hurt. There were numerous times when Magnus had to be called to get the demon poisoning out of my system, almost died a lot of times,"

I couldn't help my gasp. He didn't look at me though, staring at some thing I couldn't see.

"Why?" I asked him, the only word I could formulate.

"You don't remember but… you are… you were, the one person who could get through to me,"

I reached out a hand to him, though it stung that he used the past tense. Some thing in me burned at his pain, eating at my chest.

"Jace, I-" I began, my voice wavering.

"Save it," he said shortly, standing up so abruptly I fell backwards, "You should be good for tonight,"

I watched as he left, his back muscles tensed. Even when he was gone, I continued to stare at the door, the ghost of his presence lingering beside me.

I don't know when it happened but it did, some thing inside me snapped and I put my head in my hands and sobbed.

Yeah, I skipped the author's note at the beginning because I'm far too lazy. This whole thing was written in the 8 hour drive to Chicago. I had to take some breaks because my computer's battery only lasts 6 hours at worst but it was pretty much keep going. It was hard, I have to admit, I'm going to die come Nanowrimo. :)

So yes, I don't own anything. Nothing at all.

And I'm sorry for the long break but some times it has to happen. The good thing is that ... I have another 8 hour drive on the way back.

This chapter was supposed to involve three more big events but it was already long enough. So the next chapter is totally planned out and so is the next. Yay!

Please review, I love them. :)

Charlotte.

P.S You can follow me on Twitter. I give periodic updates on RTM as well as writing in general it's just Char_Little.