The next week was uneventful. Well, with the exception of a brawl between some of the crewmen and the uninvited attention towards the ladies on the ship. Hawke was thankful that they would be in Denerim in a couple of days. Hopefully a brothel would calm some of them. How they could be so sexually tensed after just a week boggled her mind, though she suspected that Isabela's comments might have lit the flame. Since Bethany was one of the only single women aboard she had been the one who received the most remarks. Thankfully, Varric, Anders, Aveline and even Fenris once had been able to scare them off when Hawke wasn't there.
This was a particular sad day for Hawke and Bethany. It was three years since Leandra died. They had both done their best to be occupied for the day, but when the night came they sat down and talked about all the good memories. It was emotional tiring and Hawke decided to turn in early after assuring that Bethany was alright. Bethany missed her mother so, but it was Marian that had found their mother in that lair. Bethany could only imagine the guilt that she must be feeling. Anders looked at Bethany with a warm smile and gave her a hug whispering that her mother was very proud of her amazing daughters. He then followed Hawke.
Bethany went to the far end of the ship with three candles and lit them as she kneeled before them. She was sitting deep in thought thinking about all those memories. How she missed them, Carvers teasing, Leandra's constant worry and her father's compassion, advice and instruction. A tear fell down her cheek and she heard a mild cough behind her. It was Fenris "Damn, elves! Why don't they wear shoes so you can hear them coming?" She dried her tears and turned her head.
"I am sorry for the intrusion. I didn't mean to... One for your mother, brother and father I suspect?"
"Yes... I miss them so. I guess I should be thankful that there isn't one for my sister as well."
"She does tend to put herself in unnecessary risk, but if she can keep a head low for a while she will be alright."
"She used to be good at that. After father died she protected us. She was so good at leading templars astray. That was the reason we could stay in Lothering for so long, if not for the blight we might never have had to run again. Then mother and Carver would have been alive."
Bethany started to cry and Fenris was beside himself. Hawke had once told him that he was wise and insightful, but he never thought of himself that way. He wasn't even sure why he had disturbed Bethany. It just felt wrong for her to be alone... Alone, now that was a feeling he knew all too well. What a disappointment it had been when he found his sister. He had hoped for a sense of belonging and it had left him feel more alone than ever. Hawke had said that he wasn't alone, that he had friends that cared for him. And she did care, but never as he truly wanted her to. He sat down next to Bethany.
"Did Hawke tell you that I found and met my sister shortly before we left Kirkwall?"
"She did. Marian was mortified that your sister would turn on you. I would never do that to Marian. It was very merciful of you to let her go."
"At Hawke's request... but I suppose it was. I could spend my time wondering if it was wrong to find her, how my life would have been if I had acted differently, but I cannot change the past. I have spent so much time lingering in my past, but it is time to move forward. As much as you wish to you cannot change the past only your future."
"I know... I just miss them so much and I keep thinking of what they would think of me and my choices."
"You are looking for forgiveness, but I am not the one who can give it to you... Your mother was a very kind woman and from what Hawke has told me, your father seemed like a wise man who loved you all."
"He was. He was the best man in the world and he still had to be locked up for being a mage, while templars who rape and torture walk free. I believe he would think that what I am doing is right."
"You and your father may be good and able to control your powers, but not every mage deserves the benefit of the doubt." He tried to sound gentle, but he had not fully understood the affect of those words.
"But templars and normal people do? They are just as likely to kill as any mage." Bethany spat.
"Templars and ordinary people do not attract demons!" Fenris growled.
"No they succumb to lyrium and are controlled by it!"
Bethany had of cause thought of Meredith and the templars in general, but when she looked at Fenris she felt like she a hit a low blow. His lyrium tattoos where empowering and had been an everlasting mark of his wrath and hatred. A year ago he would have taken offense to her comment and responded with the words "I didn't ask for this!". But according to his sister he had. He felt his head spinning out of control. Because he had lost all his memories he so desperately held on to what he knew to be true. He had been cursed by magic. He had been mutilated by Danarius against his will. Mages where easily corrupted compared to everyone else. But now the world had shifted in front of him and there were truths that he could no longer deny. "Perhaps it is time to leave this hatred behind." Those were the words he had spoken to Hawke after meeting Valenia, but where would he begin? Bethany's tears were running down her face as she turned around and started to walk away. "What has magic touched that it doesn't spoil?" He heard those words ringing in his mind. Perhaps he could begin by not repeating past mistakes. He gently grabbed Bethany's wrist and she looked at him.
"That was unworthy of me. I apologize... It would appear that you are not the only one having trouble letting go of the past."
She took his hand and squeezed it.
"I know... I am sorry to. I should have been more understanding. You only tried to comfort me."
She smiled and said goodnight. Fenris was startled. How could she forgive him so quickly? So effortless? Hawke had been able to forgive him his comments, but it always took at least a few hours and she wasn't a mage. He had never been able to forgive... to let go. Now he had defended mages and was travelling with them, not because he had to or because he had anything to gain from it. He did it because he choose to, perhaps he was starting to move on... slowly.
Marian was lying on the bed with Barkley hugging him. He and Bethany was all the family she had left... well, unless you counted Gamlen and Charade. And then there was Anna Amell, the Hero of Ferelden, but she had never met her. She closed her eyes and remembered what it was like to have a real family. How she missed it, but that life was lost and she didn't see a way for her to have a family ever again. But Bethany might and that warmed her heart. Anders lay down beside her and kissed her neck gently. She had Anders. If nothing else she had his love and she would allow no one to take him from her. He said in a low loving and comforting voice.
"How are you feeling?"
"I miss her... I miss them all. I still feel like I failed them... I am so glad you are here. I don't know what I would do if I lost you and Bethany. I won't let anyone take you away. I will protect you."
Anders gently turned her over on her back and looked seriously into her eyes. He thought of the way she had mutilated herself. She had felt alone, unprotected and vulnerable. If she continued to protect everyone else, she would not have the strength to protect herself.
"You have always tried to protect everyone else, me included. But from now on I will be the one protecting you and not the other way around. You have protected me and guided me through disaster and insanity. I will not give into that again. Let me protect you for once."
She smiled, kissed him and cuddled against him. She did feel protected and loved in his arms.
"I still miss the feathers." She giggled and he chuckled in responds. Then she burrowed her face in his chest and began crying. She couldn't bear to lose him and go through all of this again. Would he do something that drastic again and would she be able to face it? He stroked her hair and kissed her on top of her head. What was she going to say to him? She knew she couldn't make him promise not to do whatever he felt necessary to free mages. Freedom for mages had always come first she knew that before she got involved with him. She would never ask him to put her before his cause. And though what he did was terrible it didn't mean that he had been wrong. After all what did Andraste do to free the salves? It had been a thousand years and people only ever talked about the result not the method of how it was achieved. How many innocents had she killed in the process? When all this was over would people remember him as a monster or a hero? Everything comes at a price and in the end only one thing that matters... are you willing to pay it? He had committed an act of terrorism in order to prevent genocide. So she asked the only thing she could ask.
"Will you promise me that from now on I am part of all of your plans?"
"Yes."
"No more lying and keeping me in the dark?"
"I promise."
"I don't care what the world says about you. You are a good man."
"I don't deserve your love."
Anders smiled, gently touching her chin turning her face up and kissed her.
"A part of me is ashamed of this, but I do believe what you did was necessary... Maker, forgive us."
"I am not interested in the Maker's forgiveness only in yours."
"I forgive you, my love. I did long ago."
Anders felt his heart swelling with love and in the back of his mind Justice's feelings of relieve, pride and hope began to emerge. He held her close taking in the scent of her hair until she fell asleep. Feeling her slow deep breaths against his neck he slowly began to drift away himself.
The next day Hawke had to do something she had dreaded for the past week. She had to inform her friends of six years that she would be leaving them. They were all in the Captain's cabin and looking at a very anxious Hawke. Anders stepped up next to her and held a hand on her lower back to give her the support and comfort she needed to get through this. She smiled at him and then began.
"I want to thank you all for everything you have done for me."
"Come on Hawke after all you have done for us? Don't think about it." Varric smiled.
"You are the most loyal friends I could ever ask for. I am so proud and privileged to call you that... Tomorrow we will be arriving in Denerim and stay there for one day."
"Are you sure Hawke. The templars can't possibly find you that fast a couple of days should be fine." Aveline argued.
"I am not willing to risk it. As you know Aveline and Donnic will be leaving us in Denerim. After that we will go to Gawren where Anders and I will leave you all."
"What?" It came from all of them. Merill was about to cry.
"There is no need for that Hawke, we will follow you wherever you go." Varric looked at her, but he already knew that she had made up her mind and there was nothing no one could say or do to change that.
"Anders and I are two of the most wanted people in Thedas, we have to lay low and move swiftly and we can't do that as a group of eight people."
"You could stay on the ship, sweetness. I would hate to say goodbye."
"I know Isabela, but you have risked so much already and sooner or later you will get a job that will lead you to more templar friendly countries. I won't risk you or your crew."
There was a lot of debate, but eventually they all decided that Hawke's decision was the right one. The only one that didn't comment was Bethany. When they all eventually went to their own quarters Bethany followed Anders and Hawke.
"Bethany I..." Hawke began.
"No Marian. Let me speak. I will come with you and Anders. You two are the only people I have left in this world. I will not risk not being there if something should happen to either of you. You said it yourself after I was taken to the Gallows, that you wish you had never left me behind. Don't make that mistake again."
Marian began to cry and held her sister close, then Barkley gave a jealous whine. They all laughed and Bethany and Marian gave Barkley a big hug. Anders sighed and tried to pout.
"Dog always gets all the love." Barkley jumped up at Anders and began licking his face. He spit and groaned as he pushed the dog back down while Marian and Bethany laughed at him.
During the meal in the evening the others talked about what they were planning on doing next. Varric was going back to Kirkwall, planning to tell elaborate stories about how Anders was killed as well as going through Hawke's estate for anything important that they left behind. Merill had decided to get off in Denerim with Aveline and Donnic. She was hoping that some of the elves might benefit from her knowledge about the Dalish. Isabela was going to go raiding and take full advantage of the fact that she had a ship again. Fenris said nothing. He had absolutely no idea about what he was going to do with his freedom, but for now he could of cause stay on Isabela's ship. Moving on, when you have to instead of when you want to, is never easy.