Author's Note: I love writing chapters like this one. I hope you'll enjoy reading it too.

Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, nor any of its characters. All information in this story (especially those relating to the Japanese government and their public officials) are all fictional.

It Is What It Is

Chapter 10

It was exactly 10:00 PM on a Thursday when she received a message from Katsura Kogorou, leader and founder of the Ishin Shihi, asking her to be at the headquarters in half an hour.

She would've asked Kenshin to come with her, but he was currently engaged in a raid that the Kouanchousa-chou—Japan's Public Security Intelligence Agency—organized. She didn't dare call him or at least leave him a message regarding her summons. She was well aware of the protocol and other security measures that the detectives and special forces took for missions like those, and she wasn't about to put her boyfriend in any more danger than necessary.

Still, though. She was teetering between being excited and nervous for her upcoming meeting with the organization's leader. It's been four months since she started training under Saitou Hajime and two other agents so she could have Katsura's approval for her full participation with Ishin Shihi. If it weren't for her friends' active involvement in the organization, she doubted she would've ever had this chance to make a difference in Japan's current status quo. The underground group is wildly secretive, and they didn't just invite or let anyone into their secret operations. Her friends' names were on the line, which is half of the reason behind her giving her one hundred and one percent effort to make sure that she would do well during her training.

The first and initiation mission she was assigned just finished debriefing the day before. Kaoru, along with all of her friends and her mentor, were very satisfied with how she performed—staying calm under the pressure of going through the security systems that were installed and enforced in Representative Fukioka's home so she could gather enough information to indict the official for his involvement with the importation of illegal drugs in Tokyo. It was the first time that she was trusted to complete the mission alone, and she was very nervous about it. It was a miracle that she accomplished her assignment with only a few cuts and bruises, and with only having to severely injure a few guards. Saitou briefly mentioned that that mission was the first operation that did not require any deaths, and she was very proud of that since she never really believed in killing.

She knew that the summons she received involved the decision regarding her pending application to be a part of the group. Although she was fairly confident that there would be no issues, she still couldn't help the nervous butterflies that were flying all around her stomach. Since she was not going to be able to talk to Kenshin or Sano about it, she thanked the heavens for giving her one more friend to turn to in times like these.

"Kaoru?" Misao asked after a few rings. Despite the late hour, the intel agent didn't have any problems with taking the call. Kaoru assumed that she was busy working on a case.

The journalist sighed. "Katsura-sama summoned me to his office."

"Really?" Misao said excitedly. "This is it, then, woman! It's finally going to be official!"

"Don't say that, Misao. I honestly don't know what to expect yet. I still haven't mastered using a gun, and the four-month training and initiation period's already up. I need more time."

Her bubbly friend sighed exasperatedly. "No you don't. How many times do we have to tell you that it's all in the bag? You were the one who got the location of Fukioka's warehouse. You got all the evidence so we could arrest him. You got out of your initiation mission alive. Trust me, you did better than most of us and the others who were assigned something like that—especially since you went in there alone. Do you know how awesome that is?!"

"I get it. But this is all so surreal for me. I'm still having trouble believing that I really made it out of there alive. I think a part of me thinks that I died and went to wherever the hell it is that dead people end up in when they die."

"I know. Megumi and I felt the same way after our first assignment too. But believe me, Kaoru. It's going to be fine. Just take a breath and go to the headquarters."

Kaoru heard sheets of paper being shuffled from the other line, and she was immediately filled with guilt at disturbing her undoubtedly tired friend. "Okay," she sighed. "Okay."

"You don't sound okay. What time do you have to be there anyway?"

The journalist raised her left arm so she could check the time on her wrist watch. "I have twenty minutes."

"Holy shit! What the hell are you still doing home, then? Do us both a favor and just go already."

Kaoru paused. "I just—I don't know, Misao. I feel like something bad's about to happen. I mean, what if Saitou doesn't like me after all?"

The intel agent scoffed from the other line. "Now you're just being an idiot. We all saw how he acted while he was training you. Believe me, if he didn't like you, you'll know. So stop being shit scared and just go, alright? You're probably just nervous. Shake it off."

Kaoru sighed again, finding a bit of comfort and reassurance in her friend's words. "Alright. I'm going now. Thanks, Misao."

"Call me when it's over. I'll call everyone else so we can celebrate right after your meeting. Bye."

"Bye."

The journalist pressed the 'end' button on her phone before pocketing the device. She looked at herself one last time, making sure that she looked as nondescript as possible in her black sweater, dark jeans, and Doc Martens. The only thing that stood out in her outfit was the glimmering diamond ring that she had on her left ring finger. She smiled as she raised her hand to admire it once more, finding reassurance at the fact that no matter what happened that night, Kenshin would always have her back.

With one last sigh, she made sure that her house keys were in her pockets and that all the locks in their house were secured. She grabbed her car keys from the table near their front door and silently made her way towards her vehicle.

The inn that served as the underground organization's headquarters was only ten minutes away from their home. The couple made sure that where they lived would be near the headquarters in case either of them were called into a midnight mission, so they prioritized convenience when they chose the house that they'd be living in. That's not to say that the neighborhood they settled in was bad or anything. In fact, it had all the necessities that a family would need—another factor that they considered when they were looking for a house.

The supermarket and wet market were only a fifteen minute drive from their street; their neighbors were relatively quiet, and they were polite enough to inform them whenever they'd be having a party or a small celebration so they could prepare for the noise; and there was a nice private school that was only a twenty minute walk from where they lived—something that Kaoru was really pleased when Kenshin told her since it meant that he was obviously thinking about the future that they would be sharing.

The drive to the inn went smoothly, with the stoplights on the way to her destination being the only hindrances she had. She arrived at the venue five minutes early, so she had a couple of minutes to calm herself down before she stepped out of her vehicle and made her way towards Katsura's office.

'It's going to be fine', she thought to herself. 'This is just a formality. Training went well, the mission went well, and Saitou doesn't hate me completely. I'm going to be fine.'

The leader's office was located in the basement of the three-storey building, so she had to go to the alleyway behind the structure in order for her to access the door that would lead to where Katsura was. She half-walked, half-ran to the door and wasted no time in pushing it open and going down the dark stairway. She only had two minutes left before she was due to be with their commander and she didn't want to be late.

After passing through a couple of dim hallways, she stood in front of Katsura's door. She took a deep breath before gently knocking on the door three times and waiting for the man inside to call her in.

"Come in." she heard him call from inside the room.

She opened the door and stepped inside, bowing as she greeted the highly-esteemed man before her. "Good evening, Katsura-sama."

"Hello, Kamiya-san." He replied.

She stood up upon hearing this and her eyes widened when she saw Saitou standing beside the cushioned seat that their leader was reclining on. Katsura was holding a mug of hot tea, his legs crossed and his eyes filled with warmth as he smiled at her in welcome.

"Saitou-san?" she asked, obviously shocked at seeing him there. "Isn't there a raid going on? Aren't you supposed to be there?"

The detective scoffed. "Don't presume to tell me what my duties are, Kamiya. Himura and Sagara are leading the operation. Apparently, Kitazato has enough faith in them to not screw this up. My presence is not needed there."

Kaoru nodded solemnly, her anxiety increasing as she realized that her boyfriend and her best friend were in more danger than she originally thought.

"Please, Kamiya-san. Take a seat." He interrupted, gesturing at the black, leather seat adjacent to where he was. Saitou remained standing, but his stance relaxed as he leaned on the back-rest of Katsura's single sofa.

The group fell into an awkward silence, each of them tensing at the reason behind their late-night meeting.

"I believe that you are aware of the reason behind my invitation?" Katsura asked kindly.

The journalist nodded again. "I have my suspicions. After yesterday's mission, I doubt that you called me in here for another assignment. Though I wouldn't mind if that is the reason, Katsura-sama. I mean, I am a bit anxious to know if I got in or not. The four month training period is up, after all, and I just—"

"Shut up, Kamiya. Your senseless babbling isn't getting us anywhere." Saitou rudely interrupted, pinning her down with a stern glare.

"There is no need for that, Saitou-san. She is free to speak her mind here." Their leader said. "Though I must admit that you are quite entertaining tonight, Kamiya-san." He said, his eyes laughing at her discomfort and nervousness.

Kaoru stayed silent, then. Worried that if she opened her mouth again, she'd be subjecting the two men to her another one of her awkward, word vomit episodes.

She watched Katsura's smile slowly disappear at the silence in the room, his eyes growing dimmer and more serious by the second.

"I suppose… that there is no sense in wasting our time tonight. Your suspicion was right, Kamiya-san. I did tell you to come here so I could personally explain the result of your training and initiation."

The journalist and the detective both tensed, both listening intently to what their senior was saying.

"I am sure you are aware of the success of the assignment that you were given. As we speak, some police officers are already on their way to Fukioka-san's estate with a warrant of arrest and a subpoena to appear behind the Supreme Court."

Katsura sighed and looked down at his mug before looking back up at her with guilt and what looked like a silent apology shining in his eyes. "We are extremely grateful for your efforts. I, personally, would like to thank you for everything you have done for us in the past four months—especially for what you've invested in completing our investigation on Representative Fukioka. It is because of what you've found that we can now effectively, and without violence, get him out of the government."

He paused, and Kaoru's heart started beating faster as she realized that a huge 'but' was coming.

"However," the leader continued, "I'm afraid that I cannot allow you to be a part of our organization. Despite your obvious talent, we already have enough detectives and other investigative staff to complete the succeeding missions. I am not willing to put you at risk when I know that what you can do can also be done by the people we have now. I find your membership unnecessary as of this point. I hope you understand, Kamiya-san."

"I don't." she breathed out, closing her eyes as she tried to reign in the pain of rejection that was filling her very being. Along with this, she couldn't help but fear anger—anger at being exploited, at being told that she was unnecessary, despite the fact that what she gave them and what she did for them benefited their cause more than they initially thought.

"Excuse me?" Katsura asked not unkindly.

She opened her eyes and saw the pity that filled the man's eyes. Not being able to bear it, she shifted her gaze to Saitou, her trainer and mentor, who wasn't able to conceal his surprise at his superior's decision.

"I don't understand." She cleared up. "I don't get why you find me unnecessary, and I don't understand why you feel that my membership will be nothing but a liability to Ishin Shishi. I completed my training, and I know for a fact that I passed my initiation with flying colors. So forgive me if I don't understand why, despite all that, you feel that it would be better for you to get rid of me."

The old man sighed tiredly. "That is now considered as confidential information, Kamiya-san, and—"

"Fuck your confidentiality." She growled out. "I spent four months killing myself for this, and I refuse to just take your answer for what it is. You're basically telling me that yeah, I did a good job, but I'm still not good enough?! That doesn't make any sense and frankly, it's not fair!"

Frustrated at the unexpected turn of events, she angrily pushed herself out of her chair, opting to pace in front of the two men who were watching her.

"Kamiya-san, if you would calm down, perhaps—"

"Don't you fucking dare tell me to calm down! What did you expect me to feel? Did you honestly—"

"Kamiya." Saitou interrupted, his voice stern and full of authority. "Stop your bitching around. Sit down."

She took a deep breath, but disregarded what her mentor said about sitting down. It was too frustrating for her. She couldn't understand the logic behind what Katsura was saying. She respected him too much, but now her initial opinion of him is starting to change into something dark. He used her. He sucked her dry, but now that he got what he wanted, he was going to just spit her out? Was that what he did? Was she supposed to just take this as it is?

"Forgive me, Katsura-sama." She grumbled insincerely. "Please excuse my behavior."

"It is perfectly understandable, Kamiya-san. If you would please sit back down—"

"I'd rather stand."

He sighed, accepting her decision and letting her do as she pleased in case doing that one little thing for her would help her feel more at ease with the situation. "As you know, we already have fifty members at our disposal—most of whom are well-trained in espionage and combat. In selecting our members, we have to ensure that each one will be able to stand alone and survive whatever situation they are cast into. Based on your performance yesterday, I found weaknesses in your abilities that, if subjected to a more difficult situation, could prove fatal to you and could possibly lead to our demise."

She looked up at him. "What weaknesses?"

"Have you ever mastered how to hold a gun, Kamiya-san? Can you honestly tell me that, should the need arise, you would be able to kill an enemy without ruining yourself?"

"So you're rejecting me based on my ideals? You're telling me that what I believe in, and what I live by, is wrong?" she said angrily.

"No. I'm saying that you are unfit for what we need, and that despite your talents, I don't find you qualified enough to be recognized as a part of this organization." He paused, his now dark gaze locked onto hers. "We are driven by strength, Kamiya-san; strength, and courage, and the ability to remain sane despite the acts that we are forced to do. I cannot afford to have someone watch over you every time you are given a difficult mission. It is a waste of both our time and our resources, and it would be unwise of me to do so."

Kaoru was silent as she digested everything that she was being told. Basically, the man she so admired for what he was doing for their country, was telling her that she was weak—that she wouldn't be able to handle being a part of their team.

Katsura continued speaking to her, ignoring her inner turmoil in favor of finishing their harsh conversation. "I would appreciate your continued secrecy despite my decision, Kamiya-san. I believe that I don't have to warn you of what would happen to Himura-san should you decide to expose what we are doing."

"I am not a child." She scoffed. "I may be weak in your eyes, but I am not immature. I won't sink so low as to burn you all down just because I didn't get what I want."

She turned towards Saitou. "Is that what you think of me as well? After everything, am I still not good enough?"

He remained silent and impassive, and she chose to draw her conclusion from that reaction of his. Tears were starting to gather in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. They already thought of her as weak. She refused to give them any more ammunition to strengthen their negative opinion of her.

She breathed out to her nose and silently counted to five to control her raging emotions. "Is that all?"

Katsura nodded and Saitou looked away. Anger was starting to overwhelm her, making her knees shake and her vision darken as she stared at the other two occupants of the room.

"Thank you. I'll be taking my leave now." She said, forcing her voice to remain steady as she did so.

She turned around and started walking towards the door. She wanted to slam it once she was out of the office, but she refused to show such vulnerability.

"Kamiya-san." She heard Katsura call. She didn't bother turning around seeing as her hand was already on the doorknob. She did turn her head slightly towards his direction, though, to indicate that she was listening.

"Good luck."

She gave a brief nod before turning the knob and stepping out of the office. Once she was out, she let out the breath she was holding and she felt the tears of frustration that were brimming in her eyes earlier fall down her cheeks. After all this, after all the reassurances that she was given, she wasn't good enough after all.

She was weak—is weak, and the fact that she was unable to stop her tears from falling only solidified that fact for her.

She took a moment to lean against the wall beside the door to Katsura's office, trying to stop her limbs from shaking and the shame from overwhelming her right then and there. She needed to get a grip.

"What the hell was that, Katsura?" she heard Saitou's muffled voice from inside the office.

"Saitou-san—"

"No. You know what I think of her. You know she's good enough. Where the fuck did that spiel of yours come from? Do you know how this is going to make us look? We basically took advantage of the girl!"

"My decision is final, Saitou-san. The basis of which is under my discretion."

"I trained her. I told you before, and I'm telling you again, Katsura. She is good enough. You know that."

A pause. "This conversation is over. You may leave."

She moved away from the door as fast as she could. If Saitou ever found out that she was listened to their conversation—though it was unintentional, she was sure that he would never let her live it down. As if she wasn't embarrassed enough.

She climbed up the stairs two at a time, and let her adrenaline push her to run to her car. The drive back was a blur, and the next thing she knew, she was back in their house, chest heaving as she ran up to their bedroom.

"Kaoru?" she heard a worried voice say from their bed.

She paused as she watched him stand up, his long red hair damp from the shower that he just took but still tied in its usual low ponytail. His bare torso was illuminated by the soft glow of the moonlight that was shining down from the glass doors leading to their balcony, and the pajama bottoms he wore hung low on his hips.

Kenshin took a few tentative steps closer to where she was. "I got home a few minutes ago. I saw Misao's message. What—what happened, love? I thought you talked to Katsura-sama?"

She remained silent as she fought against the urge to hide herself in his arms. She didn't want to break down. She wanted to make herself believe that she was strong.

Realization hit the redhead as he took in his lover's tense form. He could see her hands shaking from how tight her fists were clenched. Her hair was in disarray, her high ponytail having been subjected to what he assumed was the harsh wind that she was exposed to as she ran away from the headquarters.

"Kaoru." He sighed as he walked towards her so he could wrap his arms tightly around her tense body. "It's going to be alright. I have you. It's alright."

The journalist was still trying her best to stop more tears from escaping her lids, and she was still stubbornly holding in the sob that was threatening to break out from her chest. It hurt. Being cast aside hurt. Being told that what she believed in—what her parents ingrained into her soul—hurt. Realizing that the sacrifices she made for Ishin Shishi, the amount of herself that she threw away for Kenshin's sake, everything that she thought made her a strong person fucking hurt. She didn't want to cry now. Crying was for the weak, the soft-hearted. It had no place in the revolution that was going on around her.

Her friends were all strong, and they believed her to be as strong as they are. But now? What would they think of her? Hell, what would Kenshin think of her?

"You're still Kaoru. No matter what, you're still the same Kaoru that I know. I love you. I have you. We're going to fix this. Let me help you, love. Let me be here for you." She heard him say as he placed a firm kiss on her right temple, his hold never loosening.

She gave into the feelings that were bottled up in her chest. She let everything go in her lover's embrace, getting strength and reassurance from his warmth and his love. She let him guide them both onto the bed. She followed his lead when he laid back on their pillows, and she allowed him to cover her with their blanket. She buried herself in him, inhaling his comforting scent and forcing herself to focus on the gentle circles he was currently tracing on her back and the steady rise and fall of his chest.

Her head was resting on top of his chest, so after her sobbing was reduced to soft whimpers, she was able to give all her attention to the beating of his heart. She listened to his whispers of support, his promises, and his devotion. She heard him tell her that it was all going to be okay, that no matter what, he would be there for her, and she held on to that—blindly believing in everything that he was saying because he was her strength. He was her everything.

Before giving into the comforting pull of slumber, she heard him mumble something that made her heart stop beating.

"Don't you think, Kaoru…Don't you think that this would be better for you?" he sighed. "I love you. I have you. You're safe. I'll keep you safe... Isn't that enough?"

It was exactly 12:16 AM on a Friday when she realized that Katsura Kogorou, leader and founder of the Ishin Shihi, was right.

Author's Note: Well, there we go. This chapter basically recapped the last time that Katsura and Kaoru met—which I felt was necessary to include to help you all understand the tension from the end of the previous chapter.

As always, I'm looking forward to hearing what you guys think. But before anything else, I'd like to give a huge shout out and virtual hug to Royal Orchid and J Luc Pictard. I appreciate you guys taking the time to write such cohesive reviews! my imagination just burst when I read your thoughts and I got a few ideas that I feel would make the original plot I had better, and I just love seeing how excited you are about where this story is going. I'm very excited too.

Cheers!