Letters Chapter 10
Disclaim: I do not own Prince of Tennis…
Warnings: Angst, drama. TezukaxFuji
(12-20-11)
Tezuka wanted to return to Fuji's house, along with Oishi and Eiji, to stay over while the tensai's mother and sister both worked. His own mother, however, had planned a day out which Fuji wouldn't allow him to refuse. He had already talked to the tensai earlier to tell him the news and Fuji had practically made him promise to spend some time with his family. Thus he was currently sitting in the passenger seat of his mother's car heading to relatives about two hours north in Nikko. Tezuka released an inaudible sigh knowing it would be an all-day event.
(12-21-11)
As soon as Tezuka was up and dressed he called Fuji. Today was supposed to be the boy's last round of the intense chemotherapy sessions. Tezuka already knew focusing would be utterly impossible if he failed to speak with Fuji beforehand. The tensai general seeming fine going into the treatments and Oishi had reported that Fuji had been well yesterday; it was the aftermath Tezuka worried about. Just thinking back to that call from weeks ago, after Fuji's last session, sent an unpleasant almost sickening anxiety through the former captain.
"Tezuka?..." A sleepily voice informed Tezuka that his call had been received. Fuji's inquiry was followed by a soft hardly audible yawn and for a second Tezuka wondered if perhaps eight was still a bit too early to call. He never did find out what time the appointments started. Fuji would forgive him.
"Kunimitsu," Tezuka corrected softly.
Fuji chuckled; "Of course, Kunimitsu-sama,"came the tensai's teasing yet gentle voice; caressing Tezuka's ears like a drifting whisper on the wind. "Ne, you should try my name too," Fuji announced. There was comfort and ease in his voice and no doubt a smile on his lips. An anticipatory silence descended over the conversation as Fuji waited for Tezuka to speak.
"Syusuke," Tezuka said, the name rolling off his tongue in the most fascinating way. It felt odd, strangely embarrassing, but right. It would take a bit to get used to, but it was a precious thing.
"Your last round of chemotherapy is today right?" Tezuka moved back to the topic at hand. It wasn't exactly a subject he liked to bring attention to; life was a lot kinder when he allowed himself not to think about Fuji's illness, though it rarely happened.
"Yeah, I'm so relieved," the words were a breath of lofty ease, his calm working to slowly thaw Tezuka's inhibitions. If Fuji sounded this confident Tezuka supposed he should relax as well.
"I'll still have to take pills but the doctor said they're not nearly as potent as what I'm being given now," Fuji replied happily and Tezuka smiled too. It was truly relieving to know that Fuji was recovering.
"Do you think I can come over today? When you get back?" Tezuka questioned hopefully. He had spent more than half a year separated from the petite boy yet now he could hardly stand a day.
Fuji hesitated before answering, "I-…" he faltered, "I don't know…I feel really bad after…" the tensai said quietly. His voice was low almost humbled by the admission and Tezuka felt a jab at his heart. This was one of the rare moments Fuji actually mentioned discomfort. The honesty was hard to hear, yet greatly appreciated.
"I want to be there to support you," Tezuka supplied not skipping a beat. It was a bit pushy he knew, inviting himself over; but somehow it seemed like Fuji shouldn't be alone.
"That's really noble of you Kunimitsu…" Fuji countered fondly and Tezuka frowned. He could already hear the rejection flickering on the tensai's tongue. There was only a moment's pause before Fuji added, "But I rest better when no one is watching over me. Old habits never change, ne?" the blue eyed boy sounded firm and unabashed.
The response made sense given Fuji's tendency to balk away from concern and honestly Tezuka had been half expecting it. Still, smothering back the disappointment wasn't easy. After Fuji's last treatment session the brunette would have given anything to be back by his friend's side yet now that he actually had the opportunity he was refused.
Fuji seemed to notice the former captain's dejection and compromised, "How about you come over on Thursday? As reasonably early as you want," he offered sympathetically. Despite feeling a bit intrusive after Fuji's initial rejection Tezuka accepted the next best option. Forcefully resigning himself to another day without seeing the boy he had fallen for.
"Okay," the former captain agreed with a slight nod of his head despite the fact that Fuji could not see his gesture. Strangely Tezuka had to force the urge to speak his thoughts away when the sudden need to inform Fuji about his disgruntled and growing anxiety rose in his throat. He wouldn't speak them, words of fear, pessimism; Fuji didn't need them. Instead Tezuka said, "I wish you well today then." Words had a power of their own and a few of encouragement could carry more meaning then a book's worth of doubt.
"Thank you," Fuji spoke sincerely, "I'll do my best."
Tezuka hummed in agreement. This new transparent honestly in Fuji's responses growing fondly on the glasses wearing teenage. The tensai was still in no way easy to read but the gradual emergence from his self-imposed enigma continued to progress, much to Tezuka's approval.
There was a noise on the other end of the phone, perhaps a knock and Tezuka heard Fuji sigh. Before the former captain had the chance to question, though the meaning behind the gesture wasn't too difficult to figure out, Fuji spoke.
"Ah, I have to go now," The tensai didn't sound fearful or hesitant, but he was obviously not eager to be off, "I'll talk to you later okay?"
"Yeah," Tezuka replied, wishing silently to himself that Fuji didn't have to go. He already knew the strength his friend had now most likely wouldn't last throughout the treatment. All he could do was hope for Fuji's vigor to prevail over the illness, and be glad that this was indeed the last time the tensai would have to deal with it. "Take care. Get plenty of rest," Tezuka announced rather lamely, stumbling to find the right words to expressing his expectations, the encouragement he wished to convey.
Still Fuji chuckled lightly and Tezuka took that as a job well done and relaxed. Even without saying a word Fuji would understand his intentions.
"Sa, Kunimitsu, you sound like my mother." When Fuji snickered mockingly at the connection the stoic youth had to physically stop his eyes from rolling. He knew he wasn't giving the tensai too much credit with his last assumption though sometime the way Fuji's mind worked left him rather befuddled. The usual boundary normal people had between seriousness and humor just seemed blurred in everything the genius did. In this case though, Tezuka supposed it wasn't exactly a terrible thing. While Fuji's jokes may have been a way to hide and shrug off concern as he always did with that unassuming smile; it was also a coping mechanism which Tezuka would not dare tamper with.
"You should take that as a compliment, ne. My mom's pretty amazing," Fuji supplied when Tezuka refrained from commenting. "On the other hand if I said you sounded like Oishi…" The statement trailed off and Tezuka could only shake his head lightly at the other boy's antics. The slight upturn of his lips was the one subtle indicator that the former captain appreciated the jab at their mutual friend. Of course he knew Fuji met no harm by the joke. Fuji would never badmouth a friend; especially not one whom held his esteem as highly as Oishi did.
Responding to Tezuka's thought Fuji added, "Just kidding. Oishi is really a wonderful person; he's helped me out so much. Everyone has, you too. I wonder if I'll ever be able to repay everything."
The blue eyed genius ended on a tentative note and Tezuka felt the need to comment. "You will have plenty of time for that in the future," he began firmly. Though there wasn't conspicuous doubt in Fuji's voice the statement resonated disturbingly morbid in Tezuka's mind. With a furrowed brow and clenched teeth the brunette pushed the thoughts away, certain that his understanding had not been Fuji's intended meaning.
"Besides," Tezuka continued calm once again, "Nobody expected anything from you, except that you get well soon. We stand beside you because we care and want too, not because we're obligated."
There was a lull in the conversation for a moment which Tezuka hoped Fuji took in order to moll over his words for the truth and sincerity they offered.
When Fuji finally did respond it was a quiet half whispered, "I know…"
At the uncertainty wavering through Fuji's voice Tezuka felt his finger twitch with the urge to hold the tensai. It was times like this he wondered why these types of conversations always came up over the phone; these were the moments when he both loathed and praised the creation of the telephone. While Tezuka could hear the tensai clearly, the soft almost baffled admiration of his last words, he wanted more. To see what kind of expression Fuji had, to comfort him, to brush away any and all doubts from the tensai's mind.
"I'm so grateful, really… Some days are so bad, but I can always count on everyone to keep me moving forward. I couldn't hav-" Fuji abruptly paused midsentence and Tezuka stiffened, sitting up a bit straighter in his desk chair. Unconsciously the fingers holding the cell phone to his ear curled a bit tighter. Fuji's silences never bode well. The hiatus only lasted a millisecond yet was antagonizing none the less, until the genius's words sounded once again.
"Oh shoot, my mom's coming up. I think I took too long, she probably thinks I fell or something…I have to go. We'll talk about this later okay?"
"Hm,"Tezuka agreed easily, planning whole heartedly to take Fuji up on that promise. The rare sobering candor both refreshing and moving.
"Thank you, bye." Even as Fuji said his goodbye his voice was already drifting away from the phone and the call was ended before Tezuka could give a farewell of his own. The former captain didn't dwell on it; he would get to see Fuji personally soon enough.
Since he couldn't be with Fuji, the former captain ended up spending the day with their other friends who now made up of most of the Seigaku Senior High's regulars. The small group met up after school let out, stopped by Kawamura's for lunch, and played a few games of street tennis at the park.
"Wednesdays like this are pretty depressing, huh?" he recalled Oishi commenting earlier and he couldn't help but agree. Without Fuji's constant presence beside him playing tennis in Japan seemed oddly hollow. The other boys had improved, there was no doubt of that, yet still they lacked the challenge that Fuji presented. Even when he wasn't playing an actual match the tensai had a keen eye for tactician and never failed to spring his ideas off Tezuka. It kept the captain thinking, analyzing, and improving.
Though out the day, despite himself, Tezuka found his thoughts wondering to the tensai and his cell phone. Had Fuji called? How was he?
The day was almost too painful to sit through, knowing Fuji was in the hospital while they were free and health. It made him wondered how the other boys managed it over the last several weeks, the tension, the fear. Here they were merely blocks away from the very same hospital where Fuji was, yet asked to stay away. It felt wrong.
Every fiber of his being anticipated the moment he would be able to see Fuji again. One day was an impossibly excruciating wait.
(12-22-11)
Tezuka forced himself to wait until midday before he arrived at the Fuji household; not wanting to seem rude or intrusive by coming too early. Plus that should have given Fuji plenty of time to wake up naturally. It was a hopeful thought. Though Fuji had not called back yesterday and Tezuka figured that meant he wasn't feeling well after all.
Stiffening his posture Tezuka focused his attention on the door, there was no need to stress himself out, surely Fuji would scold him for it. He only needed to ring the door-bell once before his call was promptly answered by Fuji's mother's soft voice, "Yes, I'm coming." The woman's voice was not loud, and Tezuka almost had to strain to hear it; which made him uneasy. When the door was open the petite woman's countenance did more to sooth than her words had. She looked collected, calm; a smile gracing her features. Fuji looked a lot like his mother. It was a connection he had made before, upon first meeting her years ago. He supposed the entire family had their similarities, though Fuji's likeness to his mother was almost uncanny. Except their eyes. Where Fuji's were sharp and cunning, colored with that cryptic rare shade of cerulean; his mother had eyes of soft brown dusted gray, gentle and understanding.
As soon as those said gray eyes connected with his own hazel orbs Tezuka folded into the customary greeting bowed. Low, proof of his respect, and a silent apology for interrupting her day.
"Oh, Tezuka-kun, welcome." His presence was met with a warm acknowledgment; he supposed Fuji already informed his mother about the visit.
"Syusuke is resting right now, but feel free to go up and visit with him," the woman said kindly, however, if Tezuka had learned anything about reading the Fuji expression he would have to say that he sensed a bit of reluctance in her tone.
"I won't stay long," Tezuka promised, noting the relieved nod he received for it, his assumption had been correct. It was almost painful saying those words when he had waited so conscientiously just to see Fuji but he could tell that it was what the woman wanted to hear. As unfortunate as it was not to be able to spend the afternoon with the tensai he would not be the cause of any unnecessary stress for the Fuji matriarch. Fuji would probably be needing rest that Tezuka's presence might distract away from any way. Tezuka nodded to Fuji's mother politely as she moved aside to guide him into the house.
Up the stairs, first door on the right. Tezuka found the tensai's room with practiced ease. The numerous days he had spent here during the years and long summer holidays had ingrained the room's entire layout in his mind.
Opening the door Tezuka stepped into the quiet room silently, noting with a subdued shiver the bottle of prescription pills and trash can placed strategically near the bed. The most nerve-wracking thing by far, however, was Fuji. The blue eyed boy was on his bed, half on his side, half on his stomach, face buried in the pillows, and covered by a thick blue comforter set. His heavy breaths were coming in uneven pants and it took nearly all of Tezuka self-control to refrain from rushing to Fuji's side. He had never seen Fuji in such a state before, and supposed few had; it disturbed the tennis player greatly. Tezuka felt strange emotions prickle at his thoughts a sort of hollow remorse hammering away at his usually sound endurance.
It wasn't until he took a seat in Fuji's desk chair, arms folding rigidly across his chest to force the shaking to stop, that his bed-ridden teammate began to stir. Tezuka was on his feet in an instant, hypersensitive to every shiver of the sickly boy's slender frame. His heart stung at how feeble and miserable the tensai looked as he attempted to push himself up on trembling arms. In all honest he had not been expecting this. The phone calls the letters; nothing could have prepared Tezuka for such outright anguish.
Fuji was never sick, that head-cold he had caught in their second year of middle school was nothing more than a sniffle in comparison. The tensai couldn't even get out of bed; Tezuka realized with a start almost staggering back as the full weight of reality knocked into him with a palpable pressure. Muddied thoughts bombarded his senses making his hands slow and clumsy as he moved to assist Fuji.
Tezuka's fingers met the tensai's thin warm shoulder and he wondered if the boy would be able to feel the unsteadiness of his hands beyond the shuddering of his own body. Not that it mattered; he would admit the words out loud if he had to: the fact that he was terrified. Clenching his jaw shut and frantically willing his mind to function he settled his ailing friend with all the grace and gentleness he could muster against the head rest of the bed. Fuji sunk listlessly into the position Tezuka propped him into and his mind screamed that this couldn't possibly be Fuji. Tezuka felt his head pound with the frantic thumping of his heart as worry and anxiety took full control of his system. Fuji was right he shouldn't have come; his concern wasn't going to restore the tensai's health. All he was doing was forcing Fuji up when it was obvious that he should be rest. Tezuka was about to suggest that the smaller boy remain lying down instead, but Fuji spoke before he had the chance to comment.
"Morning Mitsu…" Fuji uttered exhaustedly, somehow managing a small smile in Tezuka's direction. He didn't like this, not at all. He already knew that the treatments wore Fuji out but seeing it firsthand, seeing Fuji so terribly sick, so weak; was jolting. The fact that he could do nothing to ease the burden of Fuji's suffering rubbed roughly against Tezuka's frazzled nerves. There was a heavy frown on his lips and he took in a deep breath to sooth the gaining momentum of haywire in his head. It was clear Fuji did not notice his discomfort in the slightest for he failed to comment on the matter entirely, and Tezuka was both grateful and disappointed at the same time.
Tezuka couldn't really pin point where the tensai was looking for the boy's attention seemed short lived and his gaze drifted from one thing to another blankly. The comparison from just a two day lapse was astounding, frightening. Without much thought Tezuka took Fuji's hands in his, willing the other boy to focus. The listlessness was too much to bear.
The tensai's glazed half lidded eyes shifted for a fleeting moment in his direction, "Sa…Sorry, I'm a mess right now…" Wispy slightly breathless words filled the silence and blue eyes fell towards their intertwined hands. Tezuka watched with growing unease as Fuji's head lulled to the side as flimsy and disjointed as his voice. There wasn't a single thing Tezuka could focus on that offered even the tiniest hint that Fuji was okay. Still, he had come here with a purpose: to support his friend; regardless of any circumstances.
Tezuka was about to counter Fuji's statement with some halfhearted words of encouragement when the boy's head bowed and his fingers curled around the blankets. Fear blossomed anew and automatically Tezuka reached out to grasp the tensai's shoulders, hoping the contact would somehow facilitate the conversation he knew neither of them wanted to have. At this moment Tezuka wouldn't have even cared if Fuji had plastered that pseudo-happy smile over his features and shrugged off the concern. Anything was better than the disconcerting erratic breathing and stifling silence which was currently sending his thoughts into frenzy.
Even as they sat there, frozen in the soundlessness, Fuji seemed to blanch a few shades paler. Once the moment finally passed time seemed to lunge forward in a flurry and the tensai's eyes snapped open for a second before he promptly doubled over with a groan.
"Syusuke?" Tezuka finally found his voice, as shocked and bedraggled as his emotions. Fuji's body quivered under his touch, his mind fighting the urge of his fingers to tighten their hold on his charge. Even had his mind to lost Tezuka wouldn't have been given the opportunity for within seconds Fuji shot up, bolted from the bed, and dashed from the room. Sputtering pasted the shock Tezuka was after the tensai in an instant.
It only took a moment to figure out where the tensai had gone and what he was doing. Those horrible retching noises burning into his brain like fire. Tezuka hesitated on the threshold of the bathroom entrance unable to move. Torn between giving his friend the privacy he would surely insist upon or risking the future scolding and going in anyway.
He wasn't sure if he could really do anything but he could try.
Before Tezuka committed to his decision, Fuji Yoshiko came bustling up the stairs nearly dropping the pile of freshly folded linens in her hands when she realized what was happening. The former captain moved aside quickly to allow the woman in. She entered the bathroom just as Fuji stopped dry heaving over the toilet bowl and collapsed against the wall. Tezuka watched with ill-ease as his friend's body crumpled over, utterly spent.
"Syusuke…" Fuji's mother called softly kneeling down to pull her son away from the white linoleum tiles and into her arms instead. Fuji only looked vaguely aware of his surrounding, his breathing ragged, face flushed, eyes hazy and blinking heavily.
After a few tense minute it became clear that Fuji would not regain his strength. Steeling his resolve Tezuka finally entered the room, approaching the pair quietly. At times like this Fuji's pride would have to take a backseat to Tezuka's longing to help. Although he knew Fuji wouldn't approve and would most likely be furious at the mere suggestion, had he been more coherent, Tezuka offering to return the ailing tensai to his room.
Fuji didn't move, not a twitch of rejection, so Tezuka knew the tensai was unaware or unconscious and he was therefore safe from wrath for now.
For a moment Fuji's mother looked surprised, slightly hesitant, then finally accepting; watching carefully as Tezuka stooped down to gather Fuji's limp form into his arms.
Upon lifting the blue eyed boy, whose eyes were now closed in exhaustion, Tezuka noticed two extremely unnerving things instantly. First was the unnatural heat radiating from the small body, and the second was just that, how excruciatingly thin the tensai was. Tezuka knew that Fuji had always been on the petite side, but he had also been toned and healthy, and now in this deteriorated state Tezuka could feel nearly every bone with terrifying clarity. The tensai was inarguably lighter than another person his age had a right to be.
Setting his friend down with care Tezuka scooted aside as Fuji's mother entered the room with one of the towels she had been carrying early now damp with water. She gave her son's sweat beaded face a quick once over with a corner then unfolded the material and laid it lightly over Fuji's forehead. It was another few minutes before she finished and turned to Tezuka with a strained smile, "Thank you Tezuka-kun, I know it's a bit concerning but he'll be fine after he rests for a while." Tezuka assumed the stress in his stance had given him away and he nodded silently at the woman's statement. Committing himself completely to the promise of her words.
"If you're going to stay for a while, would you like me to make you something to eat?" Fuji's mother offered, her soft voice breaking the uneasy atmosphere of the quiet bedroom. Somehow she seemed to knowing and accept Tezuka's wished to stay until he could at least say good bye properly. For a moment he had feared that she would ask him to leave, but much to his relief that wasn't the case. There was no way he could go home with that scene still fresh and flashing across his memory. He would get no rest until he ensured that Fuji was indeed alright.
Politely Tezuka denied the offer of food, not wanting to burden the woman with anything further. Still she insisted he at least be served tea and left the room. Tezuka settled once again into the desk chair eyes coming to rest on Fuji's wan face. Even in sleep the boy's features were pinched with an obvious discomfort, pain; Tezuka heart ached at the sight.
Sighing as time and quiet finally began unraveling the bundle of knotted nerves in the former captain's body he finally managed to relax a bit. Realizing belatedly that his breathing was just now beginning to even out for the first time.
Without much else to do Tezuka scooped one of Fuji's pale clammy hands into his own, rubbing slow light circles over boney knuckles with his thumb.
Surprisingly it wasn't long before Fuji began to stir. It was subtle at first, a light twitch of the hand, a soft exhale; then the tensai moved an uncoordinated arm up to pull the towel away from his face. His arm trembled as if the simple gesture took all of his strength to perform.
Tezuka watched attentively as blue eyes blinked blearily several times before finally settling on him with eerie sort of incomprehension. Then, as if suddenly remembering what had happened, Fuji released a groan and turned away, hand slipping from Tezuka's grasp. Tezuka frowned at the boy's actions and though they didn't seem to be associated with physical distress, he was worried regardless.
Before he needed to question Fuji spoke, "S-saa…Mitsu…I didn't w…want you to see that…" his voice was weak with fatigue and fraught with remorse.
"It doesn't bother me. Are you feeling okay?" Tezuka asked as gently as he was able to, anything to settle the tensai's nerves; the last thing he wanted was Fuji worrying about what his thoughts were.
When the cerulean eyed boy showed no sign of movement or acknowledgement the former captain boldly took the initiative and tenderly stroked the exposed side of Fuji's cheek beckoning the boy to turn back around. Tezuka perceived a soft sigh escape Fuji who stayed stationary for a spell before finally rolling heavily onto his back. Even such a small movement had left the tensai winded and rather dazed looking.
Unable to keep his concern silent, Tezuka decided it would be worth it to comment, "You're running a fever, is that…" he struggled to find the right words, of course it wasn't normal, but could it be dangerous? The former captain wondered to himself. Oishi's comment about hospital's being risky repeating over in his mind.
Fuji finally seemed to come back to himself and he turned for a moment to examine Tezuka's expression, then a soothing yet excruciatingly tired smile returned to his lips, "It is normal…I'll be fine." The boy finished for him and reassured, obviously aware of the anxiety radiating from Tezuka at the moment.
"You don't know how happy I am that this was the last round…heck I'll be ecstatic as soon as this medicine kicks in…Or if my stomach would settle down…" Fuji began to mumble, "…my head would stop spinning…" Tezuka wondered if the medications weren't already taking effect for the tensai was growing increasingly incoherent. Fear prickling down his spine Tezuka took Fuji's thin hand in his once again successfully drawing the boy's attention back to reality.
"Mitsu…" The pet name was said with affection and Tezuka gave the small appendage a gentle squeeze. "I'm sorry…I… I'm going…saa…I have to to sleep now…" the lethargic boy informed hardly able to form a sentence, words slurring and jumbling.
All Tezuka could do was nod in understanding, forcing his anxiety to remain in check as Fuji's eyes fluttered closed once again, "Sleep well…" Tezuka muttered softly quietly rising from his seat to place a light kiss against the resting teen's slightly parted lips. Warmth spreading though him and he hoped that Fuji could feel the same pleasure he experienced from the kiss. He had hardly separated from the tensai when the Fuji's mother stepped into the room with the promised tea. Accepting the beverage hastily Tezuka wondered if the woman had seen his actions. With her timing there seemed no doubt that she had, yet she didn't lead on in the slightest. Finishing the tea promptly Tezuka excused himself, wishing Fuji well and thanking the woman on the way out.
The former captain hurried away from the house trying desperately to calm the storm of thoughts in his head. If Fuji's mother had seen and said nothing did that mean she approved of such a relationship for her son? Exactly what type of relationship did he share with Fuji? Tezuka was sure that Fuji was precious to him, and he wanted, no needed Fuji to be happy, and to be near him. But he also knew that he wasn't homosexual, he wasn't even heterosexual for that matter. Tezuka had never felt an attraction to anyone, except Fuji, not for the boy's looks or gender, but for his entire being. Tezuka Kunimitsu loved Fuji Syusuke.
It wasn't really a hard conclusion to come to, somewhere inside Tezuka knew that this fact had been true for quite some time; he had always just been too stubborn to acknowledge his feelings. The question was whether or not Fuji felt the same. Fuji was an affectionate person; the way he acted around Kikumaru had proven that much. But Tezuka knew there was something different between them, and that kiss that they shared a few days ago meant something special, something powerful.
Don't forget to review! I love to hear what people think of my story, and don't be afraid to input any constructive criticism! I'm still a newbie and need tips!