Title: A Long Awaited Sentiment
Author: nahimana
Disclaimer/Warnings/Rating: See chapter 1.
Author's Note: Final chapter! Woot! Um, you may notice that a bit of the dialogue in the only part in 1978 is familiar. It is taken from a flashback that occurred in an earlier chapter.
This Chapter- The final chapter, in which Harry returns to his time, Snape's up to something, and Ron and Hermione are feeling left out. And the reason for the title becomes apparent.
Just a note: it's good to listen to music in the back round of this chapter. Preferably either of the songs quoted if you have them, so something kinda sad. Not, as I tried in one of my edits, something upbeat. I had "Ooh La La" by Goldfrapp and the chapter seemed terrible.
Previously:
Harry's hand slid away from Severus' and he made to turn around. Words weren't needed, not anymore. But Severus pulled him back, and whispered close to his ear, "I... love you". Harry blinked, and his mouth dropped open slightly.
But before he could respond, the Potion kicked in and Dumbledore's office went black around him.
I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know
-
Somewhere Only We Know- Keane
Chapter 10- Somewhere Only We Know
19th May, 1998, 4pm
"Oof." The first word out of Harry Potter's mouth as he landed, arse first, in the headmaster's office was not exactly eloquent, but seemed to sum up his feelings about the whole situation. Truthfully, he was just thankful that this time travel experience hadn't left him with a concussion. Hermione gasped, Ron's eyes widened to near comic proportions, and Harry sighed in relief that he had managed to land in the right time.
"Hiya." He said, looking around the room which, although having travelled twenty years into the...well, present, didn't look all that different. Snape wasn't there, and Harry felt a pang of disappointment at that. Dumbledore and McGonnagal, however, were accompanying Ron and Hermione.
It seemed Hermione could no longer restrain herself, because the second he had lifted himself off the floor, she had thrown herself on him. Ron, looking a bit more composed, managed to pry her off before she strangled him, and proceeded to hug Harry himself. Harry's eyes widened in surprise. Ron had never hugged him before, not even after the war.
"Oh Harry, we missed you so much!" Hermione cried, wiping away a stray tear from her eye.
"I missed you too. A lot." Harry smiled at them both, while Ron shuffled his feet rather awkwardly.
"Headmaster." Harry said, nodding to the old man. "Professor McGonnagal."
"Mister Potter. A pleasure to have you back. I trust your stay in the past was eventful, at the very least." the Headmaster said pleasantly, his eyes twinkling.
Harry fought off a blush and nodded. "Yeah. Um. Eventful."
"I see not even an occurrence as rare as a trip to the past could improve your atrocious vocabulary." A voice said from the door, and Harry spun around to face Severus Snape, in all his black-robed, thirty eight year old glory. And Harry had absolutely no idea how to act around him. He decided, for the meantime, that detached politeness, while probably his best option, was not going to be easy.
"Well," he said, staring Severus in the eye, "you should know. You comment about it enough." So much for that. Both insolent and familiar. Brilliant, Potter.
Snape sneered. "Indeed." He spun to face the Headmaster. "You wished to see me, Albus? I cannot begin to imagine what it is regarding." he said sarcastically, folding his arms across his chest, and leaning against the door post. Harry rolled his eyes, and ignored the fact that Severus- no, Snape- looked really very sexy like that. Sure, he wasn't attractive in the traditional way, or any way at all, really, but the man had a presence which made Harry feel like melting into a puddle of utterly undignified goo.
"So untrusting, Severus. I shall be finished with Harry in a moment." Snape looked like he was fighting the urge to roll his eyes. Harry repressed the thought that twenty years ago Severus would have just rolled his eyes and been done with it.
"Fine. I shall wait outside." Snape said, and swept out into the hallway, robes billowing behind him. Harry swallowed. Ron and Hermione, meanwhile, were looking back and forth between Harry and the space Snape had vacated. Harry frowned. They couldn't possibly know, could they? He was interrupted in his thoughts by Dumbledore.
"Mr. Potter, as glad as I am to have you back in the right time, I am afraid I will have to cut this meeting short. If you would like, you could return to my office later this evening." Harry recognised the request as a disguised order, and nodded. Dumbledore waved his wand and Harry's trunk disappeared, presumably to the Gryffindor common room. "Six o'clock, then. Miss Granger, Mr Weasley, I trust you can inform Mr. Potter of the information he needs to be aware of." Dumbledore nodded to each in turn and they took this as their cue to leave. Dumbledore followed them out to greet Snape, who was pacing in the hallway outside Dumbledore's office. He stopped immediately and looked up as they entered.
"Severus, I'll see you now." Snape nodded, but when he walked past Harry, and they looked each other in the eye, Harry felt a shiver run down his spine. Their shoulders brushed. They both stopped, and Dumbledore, Ron, Hermione and McGonnagal looked at them. And suddenly Snape had Harry's face in his hands and it didn't matter who else was there, and they were kissing. Harry grasped Snape's robes. He smelt the same and tasted the same and Harry clung to the familiarity of it all. He vaguely heard Hermione gasp, but all he cared about was that Snape's tongue kept doing whatever it was that made him shiver in delight, and that the kiss never ended because it was so good. Wow, Harry thought absently, as Snape pressed their bodies closer together. Snape had some new moves. The kiss did end, far too quickly in Harry's opinion, as Snape seemed to gather some of his composure. Harry blinked dazedly. Ron was looking the other way, Hermione was blushing furiously, as was McGonnagal, and Dumbledore was smiling serenely, completely ignoring the fact that he was witnessing one of his teachers snogging a student. Harry blushed and bit his lip. Snape, however, looked furious at himself for losing control.
"I-" Harry began, but Severus cut him off. "We shall talk later," he growled, and swept past them all into Dumbledore's office. Harry, Ron, Hermione and McGonnagal walked down the staircase from Dumbledore's office in awkward silence.
"It's good to have you back, Mr. Potter." McGonnagal said kindly. Harry smiled.
"Thanks Professor." She nodded at him and swept off in the direction of her office.
Harry grudgingly turned to look at Ron and Hermione, dreading their reaction, which Harry suspected they had held in for the sake of Dumbledore and McGonnagal.
OoOoO
19th May 1978, just after Harry's departure
Severus ignored the look Dumbledore was sending him, and stormed angrily out of the office. Obliviating Dumbledore could wait. He didn't quite know where he was going, he just knew that wherever he needed to be, it wasn't with Dumbledore. His path led him out of the castle, where it was raining heavily. Perfect. He could either go back into the castle, which was probably the smartest choice on offer, or he could make his way to the sheltered area by the lake. The place where Lucius had cornered him, only a few weeks ago. Severus'd stormed up back to Harry and he'd been so protective and gorgeous, and all thoughts of Lucius had just disappeared. Severus stopped himself. It hurt to think about Harry. He didn't know what to do, now. Inside, there was nothing. Outside, there was nothing but a bad cold. There was no Harry to make things...better.
So he stood in the doorway. He pulled his cloak around him and placed his hands in his pockets, to shield himself from the cold. He swallowed heavily when his hand closed around a piece of paper he was sure he had not placed there. He pulled it out and unfurled it. Harry's untidy scrawl filled the page.
Severus,
There are so many things I want to say to you. I want to tell you of the future, assure you we will be together again, and warn you against...well. Warn you.
But I can't. And this frustrates you just as much as me, I'm sure.
And if I warn you, I'll risk making the future worse for me, and you. Maybe. I don't know.
I've enjoyed these months with you more than any other period in my life. I hope you know that. I've told you as much as I can about my past, and hopefully that gives you some idea. I wish I didn't have to leave, I really do, and in twenty years you'll understand that, I hope.
When you're older, and you begin to understand everything I've been talking about all along, you'll have doubts. And don't deny it, Severus, I know you as well as you know yourself. I've been watching you, consciously and subconsciously, for almost eight years. I've told you things I've never told anyone.
I don't want you to have doubts, Severus. I know who you are. I know everything you've done, everything you will do. And it doesn't matter. It never will. I know you don't know, now or in the future, the extent of what I know. But...I know. Dumbledore told me everything I needed to know, as did you, in my fifth year (you'll see). I'm sorry about that, by the way. It was a stupid thing to do, and I hope you know I didn't like what I saw.
Thank you, Severus. You've no idea what you've done for me.
Always,
Harry
He couldn't take it. He began walking, again not having a clue where he was going. Before he got too far, a voice interrupted his thoughts.
"I saw you saying good-bye to him." Severus whirled around to find Lucius Malfoy coming up behind him.
"What are you talking about?" He asked the blonde haired Slytherin.
"Redfern. I saw you saying good-bye to him. And I heard." Lucius repeated.
"What do you want, Malfoy?" Severus asked roughly.
"Nothing, my dear Severus, nothing at all. Except you, of course."
Severus narrowed his eyes. "Bugger off Malfoy. I thought I made myself clear the day at the lake. Ha...Alex will always be the one for me."
"Ah…but will you always be the one for dear Redfern?" Lucius asked snidely.
"What do you mean?" Severus questioned.
"I mean, what if Redfern doesn't want you in his time? You'll be twenty years older than him. Don't tell me you hadn't thought of that?"
Severus, of course, had thought about that. A great deal.
"That's ridiculous. Alex will want me." Severus glared.
"If you say so." Lucius said unbelievingly.
"I do say so, so fuck off Malfoy." Severus replied gruffly.
Lucius turned to go, but then turned back around again. "Just remember, my dear Severus," he whispered into Snape's ear, "that if you stay with me, I can give you more than what Redfern can. Power, passion... And you don't have to wait twenty years." Severus shivered, but showed no other signs of being effected by Lucius' words.
"I said, fuck off Malfoy." He growled, turning away.
Lucius walked away, grinning. Severus looked at the parchment in his hand. Harry's cryptic messages. He touched his ear, where Lucius' lips had brushed. He swallowed, glanced at where Lucius had been, and turned to follow him. When he caught up, they were still outside. The rain was pouring on them, but there was still sun shining through the clouds, bouncing off Lucius' hair.
"How did you hear? We were in Dumbledore's office, he has it protected..."
Lucius hurt Harry.
"Ah, one of the benefits of being a Death Eater, my friend. And it's not the only benefit."
Harry's gone.
"You would be so respected." Lucius told him, sliding an arm around his shoulders. Severus didn't shake it off.
Harry's letter fell from his grasp.
OoOoO
19th May 1998, 4:45pm
Surprisingly, Harry's first trip to the Gryffindor Common Room in almost a year was a peaceful one. Ron and Hermione seemed to have conveniently lost their short-term memory, and incidentally, his kiss with Snape, and were filling him in about the goings-on at Hogwarts during his trip to the past.
"So then Millicent Bulstrode threw an absolute fit in the Great Hall when she found out, and she hasn't spoken to Pansy since." Hermione was telling him, while Ron fished around in his pockets for the final card in his Chocolate Frogs collection that he had managed to obtain that year.
"And all that over Goyle? Why would Parkinson even want Goyle? I mean, I know he's got the advantage of being one of the only upper-class Slytherin left since the war, but God. He's about as charismatic as a dishtowel and as smart as a shoe. And his father's no better. Frink refused to let him in his class after he turned him into that Frog- Chicken hybrid when we were supposed to be doing non-verbal stinging hexes..." Harry trailed off, realising that Ron and Hermione were staring at him as if he had started speaking Ancient Hebrew. Although, knowing Hermione, she probably knew Ancient Hebrew.
"What?" He asked, glancing at both of them warily.
Ron seemed to contemplate which part of this seemingly bizarre sentence to question, before choosing the simplest. "Who's Frink, Harry?"
"Oh. Right. Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher." Harry told them, grinning. "Forgot. Sorry. He was an all right teacher, although I kicked his arse in duelling."
Hermione smiled kindly. "Of course you would have Harry, you defeated You- Kn--Voldemort, after all."
Harry grinned at her. "Thanks, Hermione. So, who's the Defence teacher in this time?" He asked, turning to Ron again and noticing that the red head was back to searching his pockets.
"Bloke named Fred Roberts. Not a bad teacher, if you don't mind the spit, or if you manage to get a back seat. Bloody difficult these days, though."
Harry frowned. "Roberts? You mean tall, with brown hair? Kind of nerdy looking? Big feet?" He asked, turning to Hermione, whom he figured was more likely to notice these things.
"Yes, Harry. How did you know that?"
"He was in my Advanced Charms class. He always forgot the incantation for the Banishing Charm, even though it was a fourth year charm. Severus always used to say-" Harry cut himself as he realised he had just referred to their Potions Master by his first name. Granted, Ron and Hermione had seen them kiss a mere ten minutes ago, but it was slightly different. They couldn't ignore it this time. Ron and Hermione glanced at each other, a knowing look on their faces.
"I-" Harry began, but Hermione held up a hand to stop him.
"It's okay, Harry," she said gently, "we know."
Harry's mouth opened and closed for several seconds. They knew? They knew that Harry had shagged their Potions teacher? The most hated teacher in the school? This was bad.
"Wha-?" He finally managed, staring from one to the other. "Who told you?"
"Professor Snape." Hermione told him, laying a hand on his arm and steering him away from the suit of armour he was about to walk into.
"Severus told you?" He asked incredulously.
"Well, I don't think he had much of a choice on the matter. After Professor Snape revealed who you were in that time, both Professor Dumbledore and Professor Lupin kept telling him to tell us. It's a good thing he did, or we might've gotten a bit of a shock today." Hermione told him, giving him a cheeky smile quite unlike her. Harry blushed at the thought of his first kiss with the older Severus- and how Harry had wanted him just as much as, if not more than, his younger self.
"Yes. Well," he said, coughing to cover his embarrassment. "And...what are your thoughts on it? I take it Ron was restrained from ripping his heart out through his throat, considering he seemed in fine snarky form before." Ron grinned sheepishly, and then slapped him on the back.
"It wasn't for lack of trying, mate." He said with a mock disappointment.
"There's just one thing I want to know, Harry, before I give you my opinion." Hermione said, instantly bringing the conversation to a more serious tone. Harry told her to go ahead.
"Do you love him?"
Harry was taken aback. Harry had always thought he'd loved Severus, but he'd never actually said it. Severus had. Did that mean that Harry didn't love Severus, because he hadn't been able to say it? Severus, the typical chilly Englishman to the core, and apparently soon-to-be Death Eater, had managed to admit he loved Harry first. But then Harry thought about all those nights when they would sit together and just talk and how that had made Harry happier than anything in the world. And he thought about Lucius, and how Severus had saved Harry from him. And how much Harry had missed him when Snape'd been missing.
"I do. Despite everything he's done, everything he's said, everything I thought I hated about him, I do. I love him." he said, And it felt good to admit it, too. "And I know, Ron, " he continued before the red head could cut in, "that that probably sounds insane to you. But think about how you felt about Hermione when you first met her. You thought she was just a bloody know-it-all. And it took something special to get you to realise how kind, and sweet, and brilliant she really was. That's what it was for me and Severus. We needed something like me travelling back in time for us to realise how similar we are, and how much we loved each other." And there it was.
Harry felt a grin on his face before he could even think about restraining it. Hermione seemed to be restraining one herself, and Harry could've sworn he saw her eyes well up. Ron too, it seemed, had finally understood.
Hermione nodded, and sniffed. "Then we approve."
OoOoO
19th May, 1978, 11pm
It was hours before Severus returned to his dormitory. His mind was going a mile a minute, but he didn't like any of the thoughts it was producing. A dull throb was beginning to make itself known over his right eye, and he pointedly ignored the twinge he felt on his left arm.
He collapsed onto his bed, grateful that his other dorm mates had already retired and were snoring loudly. Across from him lay Harry's bed, and Snape stared at the wall away from it. He couldn't bare to look at it.
Just then, he heard a small squeak coming from the (supposedly) empty bed. He sat up immediately, but regretted it as the pounding in his head worsened. On the bed lay Harry's strange little black fluffy creature, wobbling about and making little squeaky noises. Harry had never told him what the blasted thing was- or even how he had got it. Severus had been inclined to think it was at least a little illegal.
He looked from the little ball of fluff to his left arm and threw up violently.
OoOoO
Harry spent the rest of the day catching up with classmates he had missed in his trip to the past. Many of them had questions, only a few of which Harry felt comfortable answering. He also met up with Remus, which was a very pleasant surprise. He'd not been to greet Harry in Dumbledore's office, he said, because he didn't want to overwhelm him. Harry was pleased to hear that Remus had no problems with his relationship with Severus. It made things easier, knowing that his last link to his father was supportive of his maybe-relationship. Soon enough, though, six o'clock came and Harry walked the familiar path to Dumbledore's office. On his way, he came across a face so familiar he nearly jumped out of his skin. A boy who, on first inspection, Harry had believed to be a younger Lucius Malfoy was, in fact, Draco Malfoy. He couldn't believe it, but in the months he had spent in the past it had been easy- natural, even- to forget about the boy who had made five and a half of his seven years at Hogwarts a living hell. He swallowed.
"Potter. You're back, then."
"Er." Harry answered. He wasn't sure what people knew about his disappearance, especially not Draco Malfoy who (despite having been on the light side during the war) had never publicly denounced his father. For all they knew, Draco could still be in contact with the escaped death eater.
"Right." Malfoy said. "Look, Potter, there's something I've been meaning to tell you since the war. I know you and I never got along, and I don't want you to think that's going to change, now that I'm not a minion of your nemesis. I may be good, but I'm not a Gryffindork." Malfoy told him childishly.
Harry then alarmed him by doing something he would never have done before- he smiled at Malfoy, wished him a nice life, and continued towards Dumbledore's office.
Once there, he realised he hadn't the faintest clue what the password was. He needn't have worried, though, because no sooner had he begun guessing sweets, the gargoyle had moved to reveal Severus. Harry bit his lip. All his confidence after dealing with Malfoy washed away at the sight of his tall, black-robed (maybe) lover.
"Uh. Hi." He greeted, and then immediately wished he hadn't. Damn his awkwardness and damn Severus for growing two inches taller than when he was eighteen and making himself that much more intimidating.
"Mr. Potter." Snape said carefully, stepping out of the alcove and nodding slightly.
"Listen, I-" Harry began, but Snape cut him off.
"I believe the Headmaster is expecting you." Severus said, and Harry had the sudden urge to reach out to him, and touch his face, and kiss him.
"Right. I'll just...go, then." Harry couldn't help how dejected he sounded. Perhaps their kiss earlier had just been passion. They'd always had plenty of that. It had been twenty years, after all. Perhaps Severus didn't love him anymore.
Severus turned and left without another word, and Harry climbed the staircase to Dumbledore's office.
OoOoO
19th May 1998, 6:05pm
"Mr. Potter. No doubt Ms. Granger and Mr. Weasley have informed you that they, as with myself and Remus Lupin, are aware of your relationship in the past with our Severus." Dumbledore began, once Harry was settled in the chair opposite him with a cup of milky tea and a sample of Honeyduke's latest creation- Around the World in 80 Sweets (a new journey with every mouthful). He nodded, still a little dazed from the affects of the sweet and wondering whether Dumbledore had heard the didgeridoos as well.
"I feel it is my duty, Harry, to inform you that just now Severus offered his resignation." Dumbledore said sombrely, and Harry protested immediately.
"Sir, no! You can't let him do that! It was my fault, I was the only one who knew, I-" However, Dumbledore held up a hand and Harry stopped babbling.
"I am aware of that, Harry, which is why I told Severus I would not accept his resignation. He has grudgingly accepted to continue in his post, but I feel that I have done nothing to allay his feelings of...well, he certainly feels strange seeing you, as his student again." Dumbledore said kindly, peering at Harry with that usual twinkle. Harry nodded uncomfortably.
"Now, I realise, Mr. Potter, that you are an adult. And as such, I have no control over your relationships. I must admit, I believe you to be a very good influence on Severus-" he was interrupted by Harry, however, before he could finish this train of thought.
"Sir, you really needn't worry. If Se- if Professor Snape's reaction to my being here is any indication, then I'm sure it won't be an issue."
Dumbledore smiled warmly, and continued. "On the contrary, Harry, I believe Severus' "- the way he said "Severus" seemed to indicate to Harry that he wouldn't think it inappropriate should Harry refer to him as such "-reaction is very encouraging. I do not believe he would have responded as he did if his feelings towards you had dissipated. However, back to the matter at hand. If you and Severus do come to an arrangement, I would appreciate if you would both try and be discreet. It would arouse a great deal more trouble than it is worth, and I would hope to spare you and Severus from that, at least while you remain at Hogwarts."
Harry nodded, not at all sure what he should say.
"Furthermore, Harry, I would like to speak to you about a matter a good deal more serious than the gossip pages of the Daily Prophet. I am sure you have been curious, at the very least, about Severus' turn to the Dark Arts following your departure from 1978." Harry hesitantly nodded again, absently wondering if so much head movement was going to cause neck pain.
"And, as I am sure Severus is immersed in his own denial and self pity at the moment, that he will not find it necessary to inform you. However, I feel that you deserve to know, just as I felt your friends deserved to know of your relationship before your return. I will allow Severus the duty of informing you of the details, as there are many I am unaware of myself." Dumbledore paused, whether for dramatic effect or because he really did need to straighten his glasses, Harry didn't know. "Severus joined the Death Eaters under the influence of Lucius Malfoy. Your departure shook him, and I am afraid I underestimated the effect Lucius' constant attacks had on him. I do not believe Severus joined Voldemort because he believed Muggle-borns deserved to die, nor do I believe he is blameless. We are, after all, responsible for our own choices. However, I do regret not spending more time with Severus following your departure. Before you arrived in our time, Harry, Severus was a very unhappy teenager. He had always desired to be respected and admired, which he no doubt deserved, but for some reason his peers felt it necessary to pick on the boy. When you were with him, I believe those issues left him, for however short amount of time. When you left, it only served to reinforce his feelings of being alone. I am, of course, not blaming you, Mr. Potter, but merely trying to show you how Severus was...vulnerable, to Voldemort's persuasion." Harry made a noncommittal sound in his throat, and blinked. Severus.
"Voldemort made Severus feel valuable, at the very least. Severus was coveted by the Death Eaters for his skill in Potions. At eighteen, Severus invented the Wolfsbane Potion. After he joined Voldemort, he had to publish it under another name, of course, because Voldemort would not have appreciated the value of his potion, but it shows the extent of his skill. After Voldemort found out about the prophecy, and shared his information with his followers, I believe Severus realised the extent of what he had gotten himself into. He came to me, and I allowed him to become a spy for the order. I felt it was the least I could do." Dumbledore said with regret evident in his voice. Harry tried to give him a comforting smile.
"Unfortunately, while I hoped it would end with the defeat of Voldemort, I fear otherwise." Harry's eyes widened immediately.
"What?...sir?" he added as an afterthought.
"Severus will be making contact with the remaining Death Eaters." Dumbledore said gravely.
"WHAT?!"
"During your time away, Harry, the Order uncovered a group of Death Eaters who have evaded capture, led by Lucius Malfoy. They are attempting to pick up where Voldemort left off. Severus is planning to tell them he merely objected to Voldemort's hypocrisy, being a half-blood himself, and that he wishes to join them in their fight. Lucius has always had a...weak spot, when it comes to Severus. I believe he will allow Severus into their little "group" and we will be able to eliminate the last Death Eater threat." Harry stared at Dumbledore in shock.
"But Severus' life will be in danger...again." Harry finished for him Dumbledore nodded.
"I...I'm sorry, Professor. I have to go." Harry said quietly. Dumbledore smiled at him.
"Of course Harry. I apologise for having kept you from your friends. I expect you have much to catch up on."
Harry stood, and walked from the office in a daze. Severus was going to be risking his life again. Harry couldn't let him go through with it! It was suicide...
He walked aimlessly until he ended up at the Gryffindor Common Room.
With a fake smile on his face, he pushed open the portrait hole and was greeted by his friends, happy and carefree.
He'd been like that for a few months.
OoOoO
22nd May 1998, 8:55am
Within three days, Harry felt almost back to normal, but with Dumbledore's information weighing heavily on his mind. It was certainly strange, to see the sons and daughters of people he'd known in the past, but Hogwarts still felt like home. Ron and Hermione had pestered him for days about meeting his parents, just why the hell he'd felt it necessary to shag Severus and why it took him so bloody long to get back. He'd answered the questions as best he could, but took particular pleasure in talking about his mother and father. He was filling them in about his first real conversation with his father as they walked down to Harry's first potions class. He'd decided on this particular memory as a method of distracting himself but unfortunately, it was not working as well as he would have liked.
"So he explained to me why he and Se-Snape didn't get along, and I think I understand it a bit now." Harry told Hermione and Ron as they passed Nearly Headless Nick in the corridor and nodded to him.
"So did any of their animosity go away, d'you think?" Ron asked through a mouthful of toast he had been able to grab before Hermione had dragged them away from their half-finished breakfasts.
"Maybe. I'm not sure. I think Severus was actually jealous of James, a bit. When it came to me, anyway. I don't think Severus had any real desire to play Quidditch, despite what Remus said."
"What do you mean, he was jealous?" Hermione asked.
"Well, I spent a fair bit of time with Dad, and, well..." Harry trailed off, hoping he didn't look as uncomfortable as he felt.
Hermione, however, didn't push it and just nodded, changing the subject to the neutral topic of homework until they reached the dungeons. As they reached the line outside the classroom, Harry stopped dead, and it took Ron and Hermione a few seconds to realise he wasn't in step with them anymore. They turned to face him, and Hermione's face took on a sympathetic look.
"Harry? You ok?" she asked, and Harry shook his head forcefully.
"No. I'm not feeling very well. I'm just going to go to the infirmary. Might be a side effect of that Potion...y'know..." he trailed off as Hermione raised an eyebrow.
"You're just now feeling sick?" she asked and Harry nodded emphatically. "And this has nothing to do with this being your first class with Snape?"
"I-" Harry hesitated. He had to see Severus sometime. It was just strange, him being Harry's teacher again.
"Fine. You win. I'll go."
He wished Hermione wouldn't look so damned smug.
As potions classes went, it was relatively calm. Snape treated everyone with total indifference, Harry shivered every time the man spoke, but did a good job of hiding it, and Neville managed to blow up only one cauldron ( a personal best, Harry was sure).
In fact, Snape didn't speak to Harry directly until it came to their inspection. The Slytherins all did quite well, as expected. Neville was told that he shouldn't bother turning up to any more lessons, as he had already botched up all potions which counted towards his final marks, and Hermione got away relatively unscathed because her potion was, as usual, perfect. But for the first time, hers wasn't the best. Harry's was. It was the exact right consistency, colour and had the correct amount of steam issuing from it. And when Snape tested it on Ron, the shell on his new tortoise back was large and strong. When Ron became human again, complaining bitterly of a sore back, Harry looked expectantly at Snape.
Surely Severus had remembered that they had completed this Potion together, the day before Harry left, and received top marks? That during that lesson, they'd almost botched it because Harry had decided to play footsie with his partner? That Snape had forced him to stop, and they'd got it right, and then Snape had dragged him back to their dorm and they'd shagged against the wall and been late for Transfigurations?
Snape looked like he was fighting a blush. So he did remember.
"Potter, Weasley, fine." he said dismissively, and hastily moved on to Seamus' cauldron.
Ron rubbed his back and elbowed Harry. "D'you think you could get your boyfriend to stop using me as a bloody test subject?" he whispered grumpily and Harry shushed him hurriedly. It wouldn't do for Snape to hear, or anyone else for that matter, Ron referring to Snape as Harry's "boyfriend".
Snape dismissed the class soon after, and Harry made a split second decision to remain behind. He urged Ron to go on and received a highly inappropriate look in response, to which he responded with a glare Severus would've been proud of.
When everyone had left, Harry approached Snape's desk, where the man was studiously ignoring his presence by scribbling something on a piece of paper.
"You said we'd talk," he said, and wished he'd said something better. Snape looked up.
"Yes, Mr. Potter, I did."
"Can you not...not call me Mr. Potter?" Harry asked quietly.
"And what would you prefer I address you as? Alex? Or have you assumed a new identity already?" Snape asked scathingly and Harry fumed.
"That's not fair!"
"And you now wish to play the one wronged, Potter? Quite inaccurate, don't you think?" Snape appeared cool as a cucumber, but that only served to anger Harry more.
"Oh, and you're the innocent in all of this?! So I'm just supposed to conveniently forget the past seven years?! How you treated me, how you made me think you hated me?" How on earth had they ended up fighting? Harry had wanted to tell Severus he loved him, for fuck's sake.
"I'm not the one who kept my identity hidden!" Snape yelled, raising his voice for the first time.
"I had to do that! If you hated me so goddamn much, you could've stopped me going back!"
"So you're trying to blame this all on me?" Snape stood up and Harry no longer had a height advantage.
"No! I'm just- I just didn't realise that I was such a fucking inconvenience to you, that's all..." Harry wasn't shouting anymore, his voice had trailed off into a near whisper.
Snape looked like he was trying to force himself to say something, but couldn't.
"Just- just tell me that it meant nothing to you and I'll- I'll go, okay?" Harry said in a small voice.
Apparently Snape couldn't do that. Before Harry knew it, Snape was sighing irritably and sweeping around to the other side of the desk, pulling Harry into a soft kiss, completely different from the one they had shared three days before. Harry let out a whimper and threw his arms around Snape's neck as a smooth tongue moved against his own, slow and sensual. Snape was gripping his hips tightly, a sharp contrast to the gentleness of his kiss. A small moan escaped the teacher, and Harry pushed himself against Snape more. This, however, turned out to be a mistake, as it appeared to make Snape think about what he was doing, and he pulled away from Harry. Harry whimpered again at the loss of the kiss but let his arms fall away from Snape's neck. A hand ghosted against his side before Snape pulled away entirely and said in a raspy voice, "we shouldn't be doing this."
"Why not?" Harry croaked.
"You're a student." Snape said, although more like he was trying to convince himself of the unsuitability than anyone else. Harry felt the anger that had ebbed away creep back. That's what they had come down to? Age?
"I'm eighteen!" he protested.
"You're a child!"
"Severus, when have I ever been a child? Huh? When I was being locked in a cupboard by my relatives? When I saw my dead parents in the Mirror of Erised? When I faced Voldemort? When teachers tried to kill me, or obliviate me, or have my soul sucked out? When was I a child? Because I'd hate to think I missed it!" He could feel himself getting hysterical and hated himself for it.
Severus looked as though, for the first time ever, he didn't know what to say.
"I can't keep going over this Severus! If it's not your jealousy, or a time period, or my age, or the blame game, it'll be something else! You're determined to make it as goddamn difficult as you can!" With that, Harry, tears forming behind his eyes, stormed out of the office, ignoring the shocked faces of several young Slytherins who had been walking past.
OoOoO
22nd May 1998, 11:37am
"How'd it go?" Ron asked immediately as Harry slumped down next to him.
"Oh." Ron said as if that explained it all. "Not good, then?"
"Pretty disastrous, actually." Harry told him, rubbing irritably at his mouth with the back of his hand, trying to erase the lingering feeling of Severus' lips over his.
"What happened?" Hermione asked softly, looking at him from her place in an armchair opposite, a book propped up on her lap.
"Basically? He blamed me, I yelled, he yelled, we kissed again, and then he tried to tell me I was too young for him." Ron blanched a bit when Harry mentioned their kiss, but otherwise remained silent. Emotional situations were to be left up to Hermione, for the very obvious reason that Ron was likely to say something incredibly stupid. Hermione placed her book on the table between them, and motioned for her and Ron to switch places. Once next to Harry, she silently placed an arm around him and pulled him towards her, lightly kissing the top of his head.
Harry appreciated the comfort. He sighed, and looked over at Ron, who was looking at him sympathetically.
"I just thought...I mean, I never even got to tell him I loved him, you know." At the mention of "him" and "love" in the same sentence, several first years who were sitting nearby turned to look at them, but Ron glared at them and they turned back.
"I'm sorry, Harry. But...well, he kissed you, didn't he? Doesn't that indicate he still loves you?" Hermione asked. Harry shrugged.
"Maybe. I don't know. And Dumbledore's asked him to go back to the Death Eaters...what if something happens?" He asked desperately. Hermione didn't seem to have any answers.
"I think you should try again, Harry." she told him softly.
Harry thought about Severus.
Maybe she was right. But he was going to need to be a bit more...forceful.
OoOoO
23rd May 1998, 6pm
A day later, Harry rapped on the door in front of him impatiently, and it opened to give him the view of half of a dishevelled looking Severus, the top buttons of his robe undone and his normally sallow cheeks flushed a dull pink.
"Potter-" Snape began, but Harry corrected him instantly.
"Harry. You've had your cock up my arse, you can call me Harry." Snape looked flustered.
"Yes, well, whatever. This is not a good time. I am working on a rather complicated Potion which requires my full attention." He said, gesturing to the bubbling cauldron in the centre of the room.
Harry suddenly realised why Snape looked so flushed. The dungeons were completely closed and the Potion was emitting copious amounts of hot, bright green steam.
"Can I help?" He asked, putting a foot in the doorway to prevent Snape slamming the door in his face.
"You're terrible at Potions. You do not enjoy Potions. Absolutely not." Snape's greasy hair swayed slightly as he shook his head.
"Right. Well. I just came to tell you, what I tried to tell you two days ago, that Dumbledore told me what you're up to." Harry told him, folding his arms across his chest and staring Snape in the eye defiantly.
"I fail to see why. It has absolutely nothing to do with you." Harry sighed.
"Of course it does. You can pretend to have lost your memory, but I know better. I know you still feel something for me. And I'm not going to sit idly by and watch you risk your life again. I thought you were done with that." He said, wanting to either kiss Snape or shake him into seeing sense. "I'm not going to watch you do it," he said again, his voice dropping to a near whisper. "I'll do whatever it takes."
Snape was so silent Harry wondered if he'd lost his voice. When he finally spoke, no feeling entered his voice at all. "I do not expect you to act foolishly because you may have harboured some form of fond feelings for me in the past, Potter."
"That may be part of the reason but mainly I'm doing it because, well, you just can't go back to them. I'm supposed to be the noble, courageous, Gryffindor one. Not you. I'm the Boy Who Lived, the "hero". And now I'm going to be heroic and stop you from making a huge mistake!" Harry said desperately.
"Well," said Snape , moving towards his desk, not inviting him in, but leaving the door open regardless, "as history proves that any attempt of heroism on your part often ends in the untimely death of the recipient I shall ask you not to exhibit such foolishness on my behalf. For my own sake, as well as yours." he sneered, his voice still refusing to give away any form of feeling.
Harry couldn't deny the words stung, but he refused to back down. Snape was not kind. He would never shower Harry with words of love or devotion, give him flowers, or even publicly announce any form of fond feelings he might possibly have for Harry. But as he stood there, at the door to Snape's office, staring him straight in the face, Harry wondered if he even really cared about any of that. He would never be the teenager he had been when Harry had first fallen in love with him. Too much had happened. Too much had changed. But maybe that was okay.
"Fine. We won't talk about it until I graduate." Harry cut off any statement Snape may have been about to make about that not being the point, continuing, "But if you think I'm just going to stand by and watch you go to that git and make contact with the Death Eaters again, you're kidding yourself. As I said, I'll do whatever it takes, including hex you. But don't worry. I'll give you a few days head start." Harry said with a wicked grin. Snape looked somewhere between startled and appalled at Harry openly declaring his intentions, and Harry felt as if he could see the wheels turning in Snape's brain as he thought about ways to avoid Harry's protection. Harry smirked, and turned around to leave, but paused mid-turn.
"Oh, and I love you too, you irascible git." he said, and a satisfied smile formed on his face as he stalked out of Snape's office without another word.
Brat, Snape thought to himself later as he sat down with a large brandy and the old leather potions journal Harry had given him. While the logical part of his brain wished for him to immediately start working on a way to get to the Death Eaters without Harry knowing, the small part of his brain which had made Snape kiss Harry, a student no less, right in front of the headmaster, kept reminding him of Harry's parting words. Fortunately, the snarky and bitter part of his brain won out and Severus had decided to devote his evening to getting drunk and worry about Harry in the morning. Although, he thought, as he took the first sip of expensive brandy, if a long awaited sentiment like Harry's was still worth waiting for after twenty years, then maybe, just maybe, they might have a shot.
End
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
before we get too old
Show me a garden that' s bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
-Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol