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uthor's note: this is going to be a thing: we're updating on Wednesdays AND Sundays, now. because for reasons. also, i miss my readers, i understand why i've lost a few of you, but i misses you, babes.

it's cool, though. i gots mad love for those still here, and those gone.

what am i saying?

nothing intelligent.

get on with it. chapter ten, yo.

one more thing, i got the best review in the world, on the Benefits, from the username unread. it made my entire weekend. which, wasn't all that bad, considering my sister is here for the week.

disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush.

the Hang Ups
chapter seven
get to running

Still above clichés, Sadie didn't say anything. No heartfelt, tearful apology. No reached-out, grasping hand. She didn't move, and nobody else in the room dared to, either. There was tension, and more than when Sadie saw James for the first time, again. Because, James understood that Sadie needed space, and Sadie needed to sort her mind out, and Sadie had left him. So, he never tried to contact her. Camille knew that what Sadie Grant was doing - leaving James, the counseling, going to college - was a load of bullshit. And, for six months, Camille relentlessly texted, called, e-mailed, went as far as writing letters to Sadie.

And nothing ever happened.

Camille could be dramatic; she pounced on every chance to be. Now was no exception, and Sadie was feeling it. She looked up at James, who seemed just as confused as everyone else, and realized she had no support in this. Sadie was standing there, a face-off with Camille, and no one was going to help her. Because no one knew. Camille was holding a dish towel, but it slapped the tile at the edge of the kitchen with the force she put behind her frustrated throw. It was only natural, then, for Camille to storm down the hall. Sadie bit her lip, squeezed James' hand, then took off after her. And, when James started to follow, Logan was there to stop him. There was no controlling his girlfriend when she was like this. There was no controlling Camille, period.

It looked like Logan's room, a Med Camp certificate on the dresser, a poster of Wayne Gretzky - though, Sadie figured you could find that in any of the boys' four rooms. But, it smelled like Logan, so it was easy to come to that conclusion. Sadie didn't know what to say, if she should say anything. She hoped, secretly, that it was enough that she followed after Camille. That the other brunette in the room, tearing up and with a sudden change of heart, would turn and hug her old friend. But she didn't. Camille just stood, looking out the window, with her back to Sadie and her foot tapping. Sadie sat on assumed-Logan's bed and waited for the rapture to come, and when it didn't, she finally gathered her words, "You hate me."

"Yeah. I hate you." Camille scoffed.

And then Sadie was quiet, and Camille took her time to finally turn around and confront her. But, in the time between, the silence was enough to kill both of them. For the first time, Sadie realized just what she did. Because when she left the Palm Woods - jaded, feeling sorry for herself - she didn't just leave the Palm Woods. Sadie left Kendall, who was just as sarcastic and smart-mouthed as her. She left Logan, who always smiled at her, was always sweet and kind. Sadie left Carlos, who was by far her favorite - though, she'd never admit - because he was funny, and charming, and sweet. She left Camille, the first, the only true girl friend she'd ever had. And, then, there was James. The point was, Sadie left a family, and friends, and people who cared about her. Who she cared about. And, at the time, blocking that out seemed easier than accepting she was wrong. Accepting that selling out wasn't what she should have done. In that moment, all the counseling, going to college, PJ and Allie seemed wrong. Seemed in vain.

Camille started to speak, but Sadie was quick to cut her off. Because she knew what she needed to say, and she had to say it, "I fucked up. I fucked up big time." She breathed, "I can't...you don't know how sorry I am, Camille. You can't. I should have texted you, or called you back. I shouldn't have left in the first place. I just...fucked up."

She didn't need to hug her, Camille. Because the smirk on her face - one that read, I-was-right-all-along - was enough. Sadie looked at her, an expression of guilt and anguish and acceptance on her face, and shrugged. Camille shrugged back, "Now you get it."

"I get it."

"You weren't, you aren't, just James' girlfriend or someone he fucked like rabbits, Sadie." Camille laughed, Sadie followed. "You were my friend. My first friend since Jo left, and that was something. Just do me this favor, if you're going to make a dramatic exit, give us two weeks notice."

Sadie scoffed, "It was hardly dramatic. I happily leave that to you."

Camille bowed, "And it's equally appreciated. I missed you, Grant."

"I missed you, Roberts."

The girls stepped out in the hallway, and the boys all stood at attention. James next to Logan, Kendall and Carlos in the back. At that sight, Camille leaned over to Sadie, with a smirk, and whispered, "Logan and I still make the better couple, though."

Sadie scoffed, again, and mock-glared at Camille, "You only wish. Me and James would make fucking sexual babies."

And that was it. When Sadie got back to James, his put his arm around her, kissed her head and whispered, "That was easy." She nodded, in reply. Her fingers stayed laced with his for the majority of the afternoon. The group of six played Mario Kart, Dead Island, Wii Sports, anything that was available. They ordered a pizza, and everything felt so normal. Everything was like it was, back at the Palm Woods, when they all seemed a bit more childish, immature, something less than where they were today. The fact that it was like something out of a movie bit at Sadie's nerves. She wanted things to fit together, she wanted everyone happy. But, she sensed that it was the speed everything was determined to race at was what made her wary.

Allie always seemed to speak in this condescending, motherly tone. At least since PJ left. Sadie knew it was because she planted the suspicion in her head. She kicked herself, constantly, for even mentioning his name that day. "It wasn't James. I haven't talked to him since the grocery store."And Sadie knew that Allie knew it was her guilty conscience talking because she was all-too keen, and Sadie blamed her college major. Still, treating Sadie like a child wasn't something that was entirely, even half necessary. And it certainly wasn't something she'd appreciated. The only thing Allie seemed to be good for, anymore, was a quick distraction from James. Hannah was in Disney World for two weeks with her parents, and when Sadie saw Camille, it was always with James. And, it wasn't that she didn't want to be around the muscular brunette, she just couldn't be around him as much. And now, with Allie leaving to help her single, pregnant, ever-trashy sister, Sadie's options were stay alone, in the shabby apartment, or spend every moment she could with James Diamond. The comfort of his arms had never been so inviting.

"You're going to be alright, yeah?" Allie asked, poking her head into Sadie's room, "I wouldn't leave unless she really needed me, and I'll be back in a week."

Sadie leaned up on her elbows, "Yeah." She breathed, "I'll be fine."

"Great. Love you, bitch."

"Love you, Al."

And then she was gone. When the door clicked, off in the living room, a deep chuckle came from beneath Sadie's blankets. She lifted them, glaring, and kicked the source, hard, "You're a fucking asshole, you know that, Diamond?" She growled. James pulled himself up and kissed her, "I said hide, not do that."

"You didn't seem to mind that much." James' tone was cocky, and Sadie wanted to punch the smirk off his face. Instead she pushed him off of her and pulled herself from the bed. Her jeans were practically begging not to be pulled on, but Sadie had things she needed to do; things involving pants, and clothes, and not staying in bed all day with James Diamond. He grabbed her wrist, "Where are you going? Hannah's gone. Allie's gone. I don't plan on leaving this bed for the week."

Sadie smirked, plucking away James' fingers individually, "Clingy is not a look you should wear often, Diamond."

James ignored her, draped an arm over his eyes and transitioned a whistle into a smooth, soft rock seventies song, "Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight. Gonna grab some afternoon delight."

"James."

"My motto's always been, 'When it's right, it's right'. Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?"

"Jesus Christ." Her eyes couldn't keep from rolling.

James sat up and pulled Sadie down. She laughed, because she wanted to, and smiled at him like an idiot. James must have liked that, because he kissed her, then continued, with his lips still lightly brushing her, "When everything's a little clearer in the light of day." Sadie's head fell back, against the pillow, and James crawled on top of her, "And, we know the night is always gonna be there anyway."

"Okay, alright." Sadie's surrender wasn't forced, in the back of her mind she'd hoped James would convince her to stay perpetually in bed, in his arms, for one week. It sounded like paradise to her. Still, there was this looming sense of responsibility, girlfriend responsibility, promised responsibility. It was eating at her, and Sadie needed an excuse. "But, we're not just lying here all week. We're going out, having fun, and seeing the actual light of day." Then, she actually forced herself out of James' hold, "Which means, you need to get your ass out of my apartment, and go get some damn clothes."

James groaned, "And so it begins."

"Yeah, yeah." Sadie smirked, "Fuck you. Let's go."

"You're breaking my balls, Sades." James remarked, finally standing, tugging on jeans and pulling on a v-neck. He looked like he was suiting up for the walk of shame, in yesterday's clothes. Sadie laughed, James smirked. "I'll be back."

"Alright, Arnold." Sadie saluted, "Go fuck your housekeeper and then come back, deal?"

James was leaning over the end of the bed, Sadie on the other side. He kissed her, like a husband leaving his wife for work, and Sadie took a moment to love that thought, then toss it out. James smiled his smile, genuine and adorable, and then waved another goodbye before stepping out the door, down the hallway, and from Sadie Grant's apartment. She waited until she heard the click of the front door before she sat down at the desk in the corner of her room. Skype opened, loaded and almost immediately, a call was coming in.

Sadie put on her best smile, with a dash of Dorothy Gale innocence, and answered. But, before she could speak a word, he did, "Baby, I feel like I've been away for years. I miss you."

And she lied, but not entirely, "I know. I miss you, too, PJ. What day are you coming back again?"

"The sixth of August." He grinned. Then, his expression changed to one of confusion, some hurt, and what Sadie thought was a little anger, "Where's your ring, baby?"

Sadie's hand went to her neck. Then she turned towards the bathroom door, "Oh, sorry." She stood, crossed the room, snatched up the gold chain and then sat back down, whilst fastening it on. "I, um, just got out of the shower."

"Yeah, alright." PJ said, and while his tone sounded convinced, Sadie knew he was less than such. And he had every reason to be, though she doubted he knew why. Other than some reluctance, PJ wouldn't ever know how unwilling Sadie was to have that ring. The real reason she hesitated to say the three words he loved to preach, "Well, I just wanted to check up on you."

"Yeah."

"But, I've gotta go." He gave a small smile, some cheesy, blown kiss that almost made Sadie vomit, then said, "I love you, Sadie."

And she swallowed, nodded, and replied, "I love you, too."

And then, everything fell apart. Because, as soon as Sadie closed the window, ended the conversation that resembled hell more than love, Sadie heard him shift behind her, clear his throat, and say her name, "Sadie?"

She didn't want to turn, because that would be bad. But, she couldn't ignore it, hope he'd go away, because that would be worse. So, she took a breath and closed her eyes, tried to do both, whispering, "It's not what it looks like James."

"You wearing a ring from PJ, skyping with him, telling him…" But James couldn't say it, because he knew it wasn't true. Sadie was lying, she had to be, there was no logical explanation other than that - one big, long, Sadie Grant lie. "Jesus Christ, Sadie."

He started to leave, he wanted to leave and he should have. James had every right to be furious. But, Sadie followed him, and he guessed - later, discovered - it was because she had to say something. Sadie needed to defend herself, and James let her - though, he'd never know why. She stood there, staring at him like he was the one who needed to talk. Her hands were seemingly glued to the middle of her waist, resting on her narrow hip bones, and her mouth formed a small 'O' shape. She kept looking from him, to the ground, and back again. When he'd almost had enough, he started to turn, but she finally managed a sentence at that threat, "You don't understand."

"You're right." James scoffed. He wasn't pretending that this was a load of bullshit. He wasn't faking sympathy, because Sadie wasn't just cheating on PJ, she was cheating on James. He didn't have any desire to be the 'other guy' in any relationship, regardless of the feelings he had for Sadie. "Why don't you fucking explain it."

Sadie breathed, "I don't know if I can."

"Then I don't know if I can give a shit."

Her head fell back - as though she was annoyed, as though her heart was being shattered, as though Sadie was the one who caught James in this bat-shit-crazy web of lies. "You don't have to act like that, James. Jesus. I'm..."

"How the fuck do you want me to act, Sadie? Like I'm alright with this? Like I'm just fucking peachy. I'm not." James' voice was louder than Sadie had ever heard it. She didn't know if it was because of the echo in the near empty apartment, or the fury fueling his words. She imagined a mixture of both, "I'm not pretending for you anymore."

"He was there, James." That's a simple as she could make it. PJ was there when Sadie fucked up. And, he never asked questions. He loved her, without knowing what she'd been through, what she'd done to herself, to her friends. PJ had no idea that Sadie was more than capable and more than willing to just shit on his heart, like it meant nothing. He didn't know that side of her, and that made her happy. It was hard to cut someone like that off. Someone who made you forget, and Sadie didn't think James would understand that. So, she just stood there, taking a step when James did, shrugging her shoulders when James wanted something more, a full explanation. But, all Sadie could say was, "PJ was there."

"And that makes it okay?" He rolled his eyes, his hands excessively expressive. "Because you found some college-boy replacement for me, because he was there, that justifies cheating on him."

Sadie had enough. She wasn't about to be reprimanded, "You told me to! You fucking encouraged me!"

"Don't you fucking dare, Sadie. Don't you dare make this my fault."

"Fuck you, James."

James shook his head, "No, you're done with that. This is fucking over until you get your head on straight, Sadie. Until you realize that you can't do this shit to people. Not to me, not to PJ. Nobody is going to put up with this anymore. This is your fault. You did this."

And she cried. Sadie actually cried. Because James was finally done with her, and she knew it would get to this point - she just didn't want to be there to see it. She wanted this last summer, she wanted to move on. And she couldn't. Now, he was back under her skin, where she thought he belonged, and he was pulling himself away. Pushing her back. Sadie just cried. Her arms crossed under her chest, her body shook. James wanted to hold her, because this actually was his fault. But, not for a second did he think he was too harsh on her. Just, for the first time in Sadie's life, someone was honest with her. It scared her, it shook her, she was breaking. She looked down, Sadie couldn't even think about looking at James, and she whispered the most pathetic, dramatic, As The World Turns worthy, "I'm so sorry, James. I'm so fucking sorry."

James' voice was softer when he finally spoke. He looked Sadie, up and down, and sighed. "You have to make the choice. You choose, PJ or me. And, then, you call me. You call me, Sadie, and you tell me - either way. If you think that PJ is right for you, this ring," He flicked it, hard, and scoffed, bitter, "Is right for you, then I'll leave." And then, he reached out and touched her. James lifted Sadie's chin so he was looking into those dark, chocolate, albeit puffy eyes, "But, if I know you, and I do. You'll make a better choice. And it's not cocky, it's not arrogant. It's the truth, Sadie. I don't have to try and prove myself to you with cheap jewelry. Even if I thought I had to, I'd at least break a penny. I'm going to love you, for the rest of my life, Sadie. And, I know for a fact, you'll love me. Even if you choose PJ and all the PJ's after, it's going to be me."

Sadie kept quiet. Her mind was racing. She touched James' hand on her cheek, down to the ring around her neck, and breathed, "James. James, you can't leave. You can't hate me. Don't hate me, not again."

"I'm mad. That's an understatment, I've never been more furious in my life, Sadie. But it's not because you're still with him, it's because you lied." James' gentle demeanor, his soft touch was almost eerie. But, Sadie would never push him away. "But, I promise you I will never hate you."

"I deserve it."

"Yeah, you do. Or, you would, if you weren't Sadie Fucking Grant." He tried to soothe her with a laugh. His own nerves were calming, but in the back of his mind was the sense that he'd never fully forgive Sadie for this. He could look past it, he could move on. But, James would never forget, he'd hardly forgive. He'd always love, though, and that seemed like it was enough, "I'm going home."

"Alright."

"Go...think. Go be alone. Then call me."

"Alright, James."

"I love you, Sadie. I have for a year."

She wanted to tell him to shut up, not to say that to her. But, instead, Sadie followed her gut, she did what she felt for the first time in a year, "Actually, one year, two weeks, six days, forty-six minutes and three seconds. But whose counting." She sniffled, her nose completely stuffed, her eyes puffed up, red and splotchy. "I love you, too, James."