Wild Night

"Gin," Rangiku said, lounging on the futon in my office. "You have to help me with my captain. He's always complaining about me being drunk or showing up with a hangover."

Considering that right now she was laying down with a pillow over her head to block out harsh light from her pounding "morning after drinking all night" headache, I might have to concede the point to Captain Hitsugaya.

"Well, he has a poi…" I stopped mid sentence when she glared at me.

"What was that?" she said.

"I said you're beautiful."

She smiled. "Thanks! Anyways," she continued. "I thought you could help me teach him a lesson."

"Oh really?" I was all ears now. "Give me a moment to think."

A couple of minutes later I had a plan. It was going to require some recruitment though. I laid out the idea to Rangiku, as well as list of possible conspirators to help us.

I should mention that for this plan to make any sense I've complied the reports from all of our little helpers. We had a big party afterward so I was able to get a good idea of what had happened. Of course, Captain Kurotsuchi recorded a lot of it which helped consolidate all of the viewpoints as well.

"Lieutenant Ise," I began. "I was wondering if you help me with something?"

"What would that be?" she asked.

"How sad. A normal lieutenant or officer would have said 'of course Captain', but I imagine you've learned a long time ago not to do that."

She blushed.

"I am very aware of how misogynistic your boss is, and how he sexually harasses you while also avoiding doing his job," I continued.

She just looked at me.

"I have a way for you to get him annoyed and get him to do some work with only about two minutes of effort on your part."

She definitely looked interested.

It wasn't too long before Shunsui poked his head out of the office, just like I knew that he would. I'm sure the sound of Nanao laughing has to be pretty rare.

I was sitting casually on her desk, making small talk, while she did her best to look relaxed and happy, laughing heartily.

"Um…" Shunsui said. I could tell the wheels were turning. "Hey!" he said finally.

"Yes?" I answered.

"You can't come in here and distract my lieutenant! We have important work to do!"

"Actually Captain, I've finished all the paperwork for the day," Nanao said. "I was thinking of taking the rest of the day off," she looked over at me.

"No!" Shunsui said. "There's a bunch of papers sitting on my desk that need to be worked on."

"Well, since they've been sitting there all week I just assumed that you weren't going to get to them today," she responded.

"Nope. In fact I'm working on them right now!" he said, walking back towards his office.

"Captain Kyoraku, may I have a word with you?" I asked.

Inside his office I laid out what I wanted from him.

"Why should I help you?" he asked. I had expected that, which is why I had arranged the little charade outside.

"One, it will be fun. Two, I promise to leave your little lieutenant out there alone," I said. "In addition, I'll tell you her favorite flower."

"How do you know her favorite flower?" he said with a frown.

"Shouldn't the question be to yourself? 'Why don't I know her favorite flower'?" I asked.

"I'm in," he agreed.

"It sounds more like a prank than an experiment," Nemu commented.

"Oh come now, there is valuable research to be gained here," I said. I really needed all of those hidden cameras that Mayuri had hidden about.

"He's right, it's viable," Mayuri agreed. "Do you know that I can give someone sugar water, tell them it is poison, and have them die when they drink it?"

I was intrigued. "Really?"

"Oh yes, it's not a guaranteed thing by any means, but it does occasionally happen; reaction without cause."

"So, did things go well on your end?" I asked Rangiku that evening.

"Yes, I got Ikkaku Madarame and Yumichika Ayasegawa from Squad 11 involved, and Shuuhei Hisagi…" she paused.

"Your usual drinking buddies I assume," I commented. "Why the pause?"

"I wasn't sure if you wanted me to bring Kira into this."

"Of course, he needs his fun too."

"Captain!" a random shinigami ran up to Captain Hitsugaya. "Captain, something's happened to Lieutenant Matsumoto!"

"What? Where is she?"

"Captain Hitsugaya!" a crowd of voices cheered as he walked into the door of the bar.

"Rangiku," he said. "I heard that you were injured. If I had known you were just drunk I would have just known it was Wednesday."

"Ouch Captain, that's just mean!" she said.

"DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK!" the crowd chanted at the little captain. "Oh come now Toshiro," Shunsui said, sliding up next to him. "How about one drink?"

"You should know that I don't give in to peer pressure, and I couldn't care less what you think of me," he said.

"That sounds like a challenge," Ikkaku said, smiling at Yumichika.

"I bet you we could make him drink," Shuuhei said. "Kira! Grab another glass!"

Kira brought an empty glass up to the captain.

"Not going to happen, in fact, I'm leaving now," Toshiro turned to walk out.

"Sorry," Shunsui said, blocking his path. "Here, you can have Rangiku's," he said, taking the glass from her.

"Hey!" she said.

"Hold him boys!" Shunsui said. Toshiro was held in place while the glass was forcefully poured down his throat.

I would love to know what it was that ran through Toshiro's mind when he woke up in a strange bed. Unfortunately, asking him probably wouldn't get me an answer. Regardless, Yumichika reports that for all intents and purposes, Captain Hitsugaya wore an expression of mixed confusion and terror when he walked into the kitchen.

"Do you like eggs?" Yumichika asked.

"I…I don't think I'm hungry," Toshiro replied. I doubt he could have handled food; the drug we gave him leaves a strong nausea afterward. "Um…" he trailed off. "So, why am I here?" he finally asked.

Yumichika had been delighting in the awkwardness; he almost took it further but decided to stick to the plan.

"Last night you started yelling at my captain's quarters. You kept yelling something about him being a coward and wanting a rematch. I don't know you very well, but that doesn't mean I want you dead," Yumichika said, not looking up from cooking.

"I did what?" Toshiro asked. "Nevermind," he said on second thought, "I just need to get home and take a shower. Do you know where my haori is?"

"No."

Captain Hitsugaya walked out.

"Little brat didn't even say thank you," Yumichika thought to himself. "I bet he doesn't even remember my name, and he didn't bother asking. He deserves today."

"Hey, you!" Ikkaku yelled. He almost laughed when he saw Captain Hitsugaya stiffen at the casual way he was being addressed. "You! What the hell did you do?"

"Excuse me?" Toshiro asked.

"Why the hell are you leaving Yumichika's place right now, huh? You said you were gonna walk him home because he was too drunk."

"I…" Toshiro didn't respond. Ikkaku had to smile at that. He'd had lots of mornings when he'd woken up and had no idea what the hell had happened the night before too.

"If I find out that you've taken advantage of my best friend, I swear I'm going to cut you down!" Ikkaku yelled.

"Are you drunk?" Toshiro asked.

"YES!" Ikkaku yelled.

"It's breakfast time," Toshiro mentioned.

"I didn't stop from last night yet," Ikkaku explained. "Hey, you can't get out of this! If you've…"

"Nothing happened," Toshiro assured him, leaving quickly.

"I thought," Yumichika said from his doorway, "That you were supposed to pretend to be a jealous lover."

Ikkaku blushed. "There's…people around. It worked out fine this way."

"No breakfast for you then."

"Wait, what? Come on."

When Captain Hitsugaya arrived at his office, there was a small bundle at the outside of the door. It was his haori. "Thanks Toshiro! I can't wait to do it again!" a small note said. He picked up and put it on, and walked into his lieutenant's office, where I was sitting at Rangiku's desk.

"Where is my lieutenant?" he asked.

"Captain Hitsugaya," I said, standing up, looming over him. "She is at Squad 4, and you are not allowed near her. If you somehow do see her, I will go out of my way to break your nose."

He just blinked at me.

"People like you disgust me," I said. "She doesn't want to do anything about it, but if I had my way I would certainly bring it up to the other captains for a formal inquiry."

The look on his face was so delicious. I had nothing left to add so I left in a huff, leaving him to his devices.

"See anything?" I asked Mayuri.

"He has his head on his desk. He might just be sleeping."

"We should send someone in to talk to him so we can see how it's going. He's close with the lieutenant of Squad 5," I suggested.

"Not yet, let's wait until the rest plays out," Captain Kurotsuchi said.

"Hey Toshiro!" Shuuhei called out, being way too chummy. He decided to go the extra mile and put his arm around the captain's shoulder. Kira walked along the other side.

"Wow, that was pretty great last night!" Shuuhei said with a grin.

"Why are you touching me?" Captain Hitsugaya said, trying to push Shuuhei off. Shuuhei pretended like he didn't notice and latched on hard.

"I was pretty surprised that you could dance like that," Kira mentioned.

"Danced?" Toshiro ignored Shuuhei's arm for a moment.

"Yeah, that was pretty wild," Shuuhei grinned. "We're going out again soon. You should talk to Rangiku if you want to come."

"You don't know what happened to her?" Toshiro asked.

"Why, did something happen?"

"We left early," Kira explained.

"By the way, what in the world was going on with you and Captain Kyoraku?" Shuuhei asked.

"W…What?" Toshiro responded.

"It was kind of awkward, I wasn't really sure what to do," Kira said.

"Yeah, but who knows, maybe you're into that sort of thing," Shuuhei shrugged. "See you later!"

Captain Kyoraku hadn't told Nanao what was going on yet, but he had gone out of his way to harass and annoy her that morning so she'd be especially angry when Captain Hitsugaya came knocking.

"I need to see Captain Kyoraku," Toshiro demanded.

"Why the hell anyone would want to see that pervert is beyond me!" Nanao said. "If you can stand to be alone with him, by all means, be my guest!"

"Um…maybe I should come back," Toshiro decided.

"Toshiro!" Shunsui said, beaming. "Come in!" He walked into his office and sat on the couch. "Have a seat," he offered.

"No thanks," Toshiro said.

"You know, last night was really great. I mean, it's not very often that I get to really enjoy myself like that," Shunsui said, smiling at Toshiro.

"I don't really remember…"

"It's so great when you can really connect with someone," Shunsui cut him off. "It's like everything else falls in place when you're with someone really special."

Toshiro choked.

"Toshiro, I really hope you enjoyed yourself to. You're just such an amazing person," Shunsui kept talking. "In fact, I know it's a little…unconventional…but I was hoping that you'd..."

"MEETING!" Captain Hitsugaya yelled.

"What?" Shunsui looked confused.

"I have a meeting with Rangiku that I forgot about," Toshiro replied.

"Oh yeah, what the hell was that with Rangiku?" Shunsui said. "I mean, that was intense, she looked pretty injured."

"She's at Squad 4."

"I thought you said you had a meeting with her."

"I do, I'm checking up on her to see how she's doing," Toshiro said over his shoulder as he bolted out the door.

"Captain?" Nanao poked her head in. Shunsui was practically rolling around on the couch laughing.

"Nanao, want to hear a funny story?"

"Nemu," Mayuri commanded. "Go to Momo Hinamori and alert her that her childhood friend has had a bad day."

"Yes, Captain."

"Make sure to turn on the sound," I suggested.

"I'm not stupid, Captain Ichimaru," he responded.

"Momo," Captain Hitsugaya said, raising his head off of his desk.

"Toshiro…I mean Captain Hitsugaya, what's wrong?" she said, rushing to him.

"I…I don't even know what happened," he said. "Somehow last night I guess I got really drunk and danced around at the bar, attacked Rangiku, got hit on (or worse) by Captain Kyoraku, tried to start a fight with Captain Zaraki, passed out in someone else's bed in Squad 11 and…"

"Wait, was this supposed to have happened last night?" Momo said.

"Damn it," I said. "She's going to ruin the whole thing."

"Let's get plan B into place," Mayuri suggested. I agreed and headed over to Squad 4.

"Last night I felt your presence in the Seireitei around ten at night. I doubt you could have done all of that by then," Momo was saying.

"What? I didn't even leave until…" Toshiro said. "That drink they gave me! RANGIKU!"

"Quick, on with some bandages," I said, helping Rangiku. "How did you convince them to let you have a room and bed?"

"How do you think I did?" she said with a warm smile, batting her eyes at me.

"Here he comes," I warned, sitting down in a chair trying to look dour.

"YOU…" Captain Hitsugaya started, stopping presumably because Rangiku actually looked injured.

"I thought I told you not to come here!" I said. "How could you leave an obviously drugged woman behind like that? Anything could have happened to her! Aren't you supposed to be her captain, aren't you supposed to look out for her?"

"Drugged?" he asked.

"Last night someone must have slipped something into my drink. I don't really remember anything, although I leaned on to you for support. You pushed me off and I fell hard."

"I…" he paused. "I drank part of your drink, remember?"

Rangiku gasped a little. "I remember, I was so mad about it too!"

"I guess that maybe I got drugged as well," he seemed unsure. "You're ok though?"

"Yes, I was having trouble walking and fell a couple of times but I'm getting taken care of."

"You said I challenged Captain Zaraki to a fight," Captain Hitsugaya said, glaring at Yumichika.

"Not a fight, specifically," he replied. "We both weren't feeling well so we left. You seemed really out of it, mumbled something about a game that you had lost to Captain Zaraki, that you asked him to play another but he refused. All of sudden you started yelling 'Kenpachi you coward'! I assume that you didn't actually want to fight my captain, so I hushed you, and you completely passed out. I would have taken you to Squad 4 but I thought you were just drunk and didn't want to embarrass you so I brought you home."

"Liuetenant Hisagi," Captain Hitsugaya said. "You said I danced last night."

"Yeah, you said it was some world of the living dance called the chicken dance. It was pretty funny. You mentioned that your grandma had taught it to you."

"Captain Kyoraku," Captain Hitsugaya began.

"Toshiro!" Shunsui greeted with a welcoming smile. "I'm glad you're back!"

"Are you the one who wrote the note on my haori?"

"Yes, you left it when you went home sick with Yumichika, I didn't want to wake you up early if you were still feeling under so I left it at the office."

"Oh."

"You know, sometimes I forget how much stress it is being a captain, it's so nice to just chat about all of the little things that come up with someone now and then," Shunsui said.

"Considering how often you avoid your job I'm surprised you feel any stress at all," Toshiro responded.

"Well, I do delegate a lot. Too much probably, but you need to do it more, not take so much on yourself. You agreed, said that you'd talk to Rangiku about it."

"We talked about work?" Toshiro asked confused.

"Yeah, everyone else was looking at me like I was crazy, considering how often I avoid the office, but it was good to finally get some stuff worked out," Shunsui said. "We should do it more often."

"Well?" I asked.

"He's just sitting at his desk tapping his fingers," Mayuri reported then.

"How interesting."

"Yes," Captain Kurotsuchi agreed. "I'm a paranoid person myself; it would be a lot easier for me to believe that there had been a conspiracy against me than to assume that it had all been a series of miscommunications. That means that Captain Hitsugaya is the type of person who values normalcy above other things, trying to make facts fit into a more ordered view of the world. That sort of thing can be dangerous. It's much safer to assume that everyone is trying to kill you."

"Yes, it is," I said with a smile.

Orihime: Once I had some sake and I laughed all night at things that weren't even funny and made all sorts of bizarre food and almost burned down my kitchen.

Ulquiorra: Isn't that what you do every night?