Normally, I don't write a whole lot of author's notes, but to address the concerns regarding Ezra and Sabine just know that I came wanted to write a story with both of them coming together…eventually. Tension always makes the end product much better in my opinion so have no fear! Think of it like a sunrise, it'll happen eventually. Thank you for caring though! I do truly appreciate it.
Rain came that morning, and lots of it. She had heard the first few droplets come down on the metal roof of the Ghost in the early hours of dawn. The past couple days have been next to or completely sleepless for Sabine. Closing her eyes to rest only brought her more ache, because the dreams that came haunted her when she awoke. They weren't bad by any stretch of the imagination, and that was why sleep was being avoided at all costs.
The first one she had by the stream was haunting in every way. On the way back to her room with Kanan she anguished over what could never be. There wouldn't be a time to spend with all of those people in one place, and letting those thoughts linger was extremely painful. Similar dreams occurred where the war had ended, she would be back on Mandalore with her family and Ezra would show up to lend a hand. Another time it was the decisive battle to end the war and she'd be fighting side by side with Hera cleaning up the last pockets of resistance before enjoying a feast.
Sabine pressed her palms into her eyes until assortments of colors could be seen on her eyelids. These thoughts would not leave her alone, not that she wasn't going to think about them anyway. Today was the day for Ezra's service, and she knew that today was going to be much worse than any of the others that had passed so far. Nothing could really prepare her for what she was going to feel, so she never bothered to address any of them or anything else. Over the course of five days Sabine had lost the will to do anything.
Grief is a powerful hinderance to anything. Her paints remained untouched, all explosive material had been sitting in a box, and her armor sat in a pile by the sliding door. It was completely irrational of her to curl up in her bed staring at the door, yet that's exactly what she had been doing. Sabine knew that she was strong, knew that nothing in the world could stop her drive as a warrior and person, except for the death of someone so close.
The same black shirt that had been in her grasp near the stream was now on her body, her fingers still feeling the soft fabric. At first, she felt hesitant about wearing it knowing that the scent would dissipate, later she didn't care at all. In her mind it was a way to keep him close, memories and all. How far she had come from being the gung-ho soldier to a broken mess.
Sabine rolled over in her room, darkness concealing her from the light of the harsh world outside. Fighting the urge to resist she glanced at the clock on her wrist, she groaned at the time. It had just turned five in the morning, which meant that the service was in an hour. That was too soon, too quick for her. Knowing that final goodbyes had to be made gave her anxiety. It was too soon, much too soon.
Nobody would be there, that was why it was going to be so early in the morning after all. There would be no prying eyes, no outside voices wishing them meaningless apologies for what happened to their friend. She wouldn't be able to stand anything like that. The Rebellion wouldn't have to say anything to them, but she knew that she had to speak at some point – the idea of such a thing was terrifying.
Self-expression through words was never her strong suit, that was where painting had come in. Sabine would much rather keep her thoughts to herself and show what she felt through actions. However, this couldn't be one of those times since there was absolutely nothing to show. Ezra wouldn't see what she was doing, he wouldn't hear any of the words that they would all say for him so why did it matter? Funerals were ridiculous, the deceased didn't need or want that sort of gathering; they were only for the grieving to come together to sort through whatever emotions they were feeling. That she could do on her own.
When she died there would be no funeral at all, that she would be sure of. Nobody would come to gather only to sob over the life she had lived, Sabine wouldn't want that. Her parents, friends, kids, they'd all know the type of person she was. Where did that last thought come from?
Rather than focus her attention on what having kids would entail she decided to sit up on her bed for the first time that morning. The blankets fell down to her legs exposing her skin to the chilled air around her. The cold was ignored when Sabine stood up without stretching and without fanfare. Sabine stood motionless while she tried to think of something to do: she could shower, eat, or drink, none of which sounded appetizing. There was nothing do to for the next forty minutes or so until the group gathered. The only problem was she didn't feel like being alone with her thoughts, that could bring her to a dark place.
Deciding that the room could only make her feel worse, Sabine walked out into the hallway. More clothing may have helped her stay warm in the cold air that blanketed the Ghost's hull, except she didn't care too much about that. The black shirt that had been in her possession for the past four days would not go anywhere. It still had her dead friend's scent on it, and she hoped that would never fade. Her athletic shorts weren't much better at covering her skin though they were comfortable, that was all that mattered for now. Cold metal supported her body as she strode through towards the kitchen in look of something strong.
To her surprise she saw that Hera had beaten her to it. Her friend and pilot sat on the floor, her back supported by the wall. Normally she wore her flight suit at all hours of the day, so when Sabine saw her in a white thank top and baggy brown pants she was somewhat surprised. Hera hadn't seen her yet, and she wanted to keep it that way. The two women had very little interaction since the pilot had left Ezra to die. Hera's reasoning for doing so may be sound, however Sabine didn't care at all; you don't leave a family member behind. Furthermore, Sabine hadn't forgiven her.
Liquid made a distinct sound when it was being moved around in a glass bottle, and it had a unique smell. Sabine inhaled then tried to snuff out the cough that had come as a result. The kitchen reeked of strong alcohol that had too had been piling up for days. Since she stuck herself in her room Sabine must have missed out on plenty of things, one of which had to be a drinking fest. It made her scowl thinking of them all binge drinking, sharing memories of Ezra. He should be here with them to do such things.
Sabine backed slowly out of the doorway not wanting to be seen. She wasn't ready to confront Hera right now, and she didn't know when she would be. Whether or not she was ready to face the pilot was irrelevant as Hera wiped extra booze off her lips then spotted Sabine. The twi'lek's eyes lingered on the Mandalorian prior to taking another swig from her bottle.
"I was wondering when you'd come out of your room" Hera said after swallowing her latest gulp. Sabine didn't respond to the comment, choosing instead to stare at the sorry sight in front of her. Hera's eyes inspected the label of her bottle when she spoke again, "nobody else has been around much either. Who would want to be around the one responsible for killing Ezra?"
"If you're looking for sympathy you won't get it from me" Sabine replied strongly still snarling at the older woman. "You left him when we could have gone to find him. We've never left anyone behind before that day. Would you have left Kanan behind?"
Hera's green eyes slowly looked back at the Mandalorian who now had her arms crossed over her chest. Sabine could see the woman's mind beginning to think over answers that would normally remain in her head, however the booze had limited her filter, "even if I say yes you'll still have your doubts so there's no point in answering you. Not like that matters much anyway, Kanan hasn't spoken to me outside of meetings since we came back here. You two are allied on that front I can assure you that".
"There are no allies Hera. You were wrong to do what you did, it's unforgivable. He thought of you like a mother, and like a mother you should have ignored his request to do what was right. You've done it many times on nearly every mission, this one just had to be different". Sabine bore into Hera, making her feelings out in the open for anyone to hear. Finding a release for these pent-up feelings felt better than keeping them in, but it also made her realize things she never thought about before.
Sniffling was Sabine's first indication that Hera had begun to cry. Hera's lekku swayed over her shoulders as her head fell forward into her hands. She was so strong everyday of her life, it was unnerving to see her break. "He could have been dead anyway, and then what would we have done? The Ghost was on its last life with one shot probably killing us all. If I am the mother-figure then it wouldn't make sense to kill of the rest of my kin would it, Sabine? You don't know what you're talking about".
"What did you say?" she asked with her head tilting to the side. Sabine walked calmly forward into the room, bare feet making small thuds against the floor. Her eyes squinted when Hera was within arm's length. "What did you say, Hera?"
Taking another swig she spoke, "You don't know what you're talking about. If this is how you deal with your feelings then you really don't know what you're doing".
Sabine took the bottle right out of Hera's grasp throwing it against the wall. Glass fell to the ground in a chorus of high pitched cried. Her pilot looked at her void of expression, like she had expected this to happen. Sabine was boiling with anger over the accusation made by someone who could barely express herself. "how dare you! Don't you understand the contradictions between you and such a statement? How many times have you told Kanan about your love openly, or have you kept putting it off until the war is over – something that has been proven by Ezra?"
Laugher came quietly, then progressively louder. Hera wiped her eyes with the palm of her hand, flashing Sabine a patronizing look that made her fury increase exponentially. "At least he knows".
Before she struck Hera, Sabine turned on her heel to leave the room. Her anger could have been palpable to anyone who walked by. The glare, her fingers contorting into fists, her quick pace, were warning signs to the rest of the crew and the Rebellion. Her bed wasn't going to be able to contain the outburst when it came thus she decided to make her way outside.
(Across the Stars – John Williams)
The ramp of the Ghost opened down to reveal the dimly lit forested world of Yavin IV. Sunlight shone through the leaves, and around the massive temple that held the Rebel base. Rain still came down with no end in sight. Sabine's breathing still came rapid, but gradually reduced as her brain began to work over what Hera had said to her. Her feet brought her over to the closest tree where she sat down on the cold, wet grass; unconsciously sitting down under its protection.
Sabine hugged her legs for warmth at the same time her mind absorbed Hera's harsh words. At least Kanan knew how Hera felt, it's what she had been insinuating. The pilot and the Jedi may not have openly told their feelings for one another, but they were there, they both knew about it even though much was left unsaid. Why would she say that though? Sabine didn't love Ezra romantically, and he didn't love her anymore. That was a teenage crush he had grown out of just as soon as he had grown into it. Part of her, small though present, missed the meaningless attempts at flirting. No man had tried to pull anything like that, and it was kind of cute.
There was still nothing to say to one another regarding love. Neither even had the chance to foster that sort of relationship, too much had to be done. Warriors didn't focus on distractions like that, it'd get you killed. Worrying about a man or woman during a firefight could undoubtedly take one's attention away from important matters in front of them. War left no room for matters of the heart.
Shivers ravaged her body due to the continuous raindrops pounding her body. The funny thing was, she wanted it, she wanted to feel cold, she wanted to feel anything other than sad. Cold skin is better than a broken future in every way. At least with her body temperature dropping, and the symptoms that came with it she wasn't mentally able to focus solely on the loss of Ezra. It wasn't going to be long until his service, and until that time she desperately needed a distraction.
Life had other plans for her, "Sabine, are you ready?" Zeb called to her from the shelter of the Ghost's hull. Obviously, the answer is no, but she kept that to herself. Her golden-brown eyes changed their focus from the ground to the Losat, his expression looked sympathetic to her. She was very grateful for his discretion about her situation, so any other snide remarks were kept to herself. A simple nod was all he got, and she stood up ready to face what she had been ignoring all morning.
Zeb moved over to her with heavy feet. He looked over her face, pity in his gaze. Sabine purposefully avoided his eyes, because she knew that if she found them then her last wall of stability would crumble. A purple arm came into view holding an orange jacket, his orange jacket. Zeb's voice narrated her assumptions as she looked at it, "he must have left it before he went to take the TIE. Found it behind the bunk, figure it's yours now".
Sabine's fingers touched the protective outside material before she clung to it. Closing her eyes, she slipped on the jacket finding that it fit pretty well. Warmth radiated off of the hot inside layer onto her chilled skin, and for the first time in several days the faintest resemblance of a smile came to her lips.
"Thanks" was all she could mutter to her friend.
"He'd want you to have it, now let's go talk to him" he responded. Zeb began to walk in front of her, guiding her towards the spot had been apparently agreed upon. They moved into the woods past large branches, an overturned tree, and down a path that had obviously been used plenty of times. Forest critters made distinct sounds giving the rain a background band to make its music with. The forest created an incredibly attractive environment that could play background to any of the mind's fantasies. However, that was nothing compared to the clearing they walked into.
Trees gave way to an open field filled with dying wildflowers that would look breathtaking in Spring. A single log lay at the end of the dirt path with an erected grave marker behind it, and behind that snaked the same stream she stared at after arriving on the planet. There was no better place to be than here at this moment despite the circumstances.
She walked closer to the headstone until the words on the stone appeared, to her surprise she never looked away from them. The words on the stone didn't bring any other feelings that weren't already present in her mind. Luckily for her, crying could very easily be camouflaged in the rain. Kneeling in the mud Sabine traced the words with her thumb
Here marks the life of Ezra Bridger
A son, a friend, a family member, a hero
Taken too soon
"Short, but appropriate I thought" Kanan's voice said to her from behind.
She tightened the coat around her body then spoke back, "it's perfect. Too many words would ruin this, but this will work". Sabine stood tall, Zeb and Kanan on her flanks. Hera couldn't be seen, but the Mandalorian was sure she'd be around somewhere she couldn't be seen. That was probably for the best as at least two of the crew didn't really want her around.
"I'll do it" the Jedi said to the unspoken question they all had. He choked back his emotions, "I'm no master orator, but this is a cause worth the effort. We've come here today to erect this monument in honor of our friend, comrade, and brother Ezra Bridger. He's been taken from us…too soon, but he will forever live on in our memories as the boy who joined us from Lothal to the young man whose heroic sacrifice allowed us all to live on. One day we'll meet again soon, I know it".
"Rest easy kid" Zeb added after, "you deserve that at the very least. I hope you find your parents wherever they may be".
"Sabine, do you want to add anything?" Kanan asked her.
She didn't want to, every God of Mandalore knew that she wanted nothing more than to keep her mouth shut. Ezra didn't deserve silence though, he deserved more than that. Disrespecting his memory by keeping quiet was going to haunt her worst nightmares every day so she spoke with rain coming from her own eyes just like the tears from the clouds, "one day we'll meet again. Maybe that day comes soon, maybe it doesn't. One day it will come though and when it does things will be different, we'll be different. And I can't wait for that day".