Hey guys! I finally got a new laptop so I can be on here more :)
So, this story's almost over. That's almost as depressing as this story. But I'm starting a new series somewhat soon, so you can look forward to that.
An announcement: I'll be in Nashville TN for a week starting on June 30, so I won't be posting. Sorry. But if any of you lives around there, maybe we could meet up! That would be cool :)
Well, enjoy ;)
(O)
Well. I was pretty sure that if there was a worst friend award, I would've won it.
Clay was dead and I'd barely cried (I'd yelled and punched a few things, but I'd only cried for a few minutes), Trucy was kidnapped and I didn't bat an eye, I ran away from the Wright Anything Agency, I accused Athena of murder, fought with Mr. Wright, and pretty much abandoned Juniper. And Aura. And Starbuck.
I needed someone to be mad at me. I deserved to be punched in the stomach, yelled at... But everyone was so forgiving. I just wanted one person to get mad at me, to yell, to punch me in the stomach, because until someone did, that person would be me, the voices of my head telling me that I was useless for anything but hurting others.
I especially wanted Athena to punch me. She did about the opposite... She slapped me, and told me that I was a great friend.
I pretended to be happy, since everyone else was. I went out to Eldoon's with everyone, smiled, laughed... I kept telling myself that everything was fine.
As soon as I shut the door to my apartment, the façade vanished.
For the first time since I heard the news, I cried. Tears fell everywhere, and the empty feeling in my gut made me want to throw up. I collapsed on the floor, my hands pressing against the rough feel of the carpet.
"I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine," I muttered, but I knew it wasn't true, and it probably would never be. My tears dripped onto the backs of my hands, and I tried to get myself under control. I crawled onto a chair and stuffed my face in a pillow, but the tears soaked through it quickly until it was completely damp.
I took a deep breath. In... Out... In... Out...
You don't deserve to breathe.
I winced. I knew it wasn't true. If Clay was here, he would have been yelling at me for even thinking that.
That didn't stop my pillow from going from damp to soaked, though.
Saying that I was having suicidal thoughts would have been a bit much, but my will to live was definitely not as strong as it should have been. Suicide isn't an answer. You're here to live for Clay. Your life isn't yours to throw away anymore. I was mad at myself for being mad at myself.
Something about that made me laugh hysterically. My body shook with laughter as the tears continued to fall, and I buried my face into my pillow to muffle the noise. I was going insane, and I knew it.
It was then that my stomach decided that the mixture of Eldoon's and tears was too salty; I puked on my pillow, bile stinging my throat. I knew I needed to clean it up, but I couldn't stand up from the chair, so I settled with placing the pillow on the floor.
I cried for another few minutes, my head buried in my hands. I couldn't stop, no matter how hard I tried. I thought of all of the people that I'd hurt, all because the truth seemed to be too good to be real. I should have believed in Athena. I wasn't fit to be a lawyer, and I wasn't fit to be a friend.
"You're fine."
I looked up to see Athena standing in my doorway. I hadn't heard the door open, but I wasn't the one with super hearing. I opened my mouth but no words came out, and Athena came and kneeled by my side, glancing briefly at the puke pillow. Even with tears in them, my eyes caught the flash of concern that had filled her face. She picked up the pillow and placed it in the sink, spraying the room with the can of Febreeze that sat on the counter.
"Studies show that 75% of emotions are caused by smell," she commented sheepishly.
She was helping me when all I wanted her to do was scream at me until her lungs fell out.
"Wh... Why did you come here?"
"I'd be able to hear the sadness in your voice if I were deaf," she mused. "Grieving is worse when you're alone... Also, I... I had a question."
"What?"
"You were mad, too... Are you mad at me?"
"No. I'm mad at myself," I admitted. Athena looked at me curiously.
"Do you really believe that?"
"Huh? Yeah, I do. Why?"
"The discord... It didn't go down." She stared at me for a couple of seconds before she turned on Widget. "Your anger is overwhelming right now, see? But if I plug in that you're mad at yourself-" She typed a few things- "You're still mad at something. Or someone." She thought for a moment, and typed for a few minutes, confusion filling her face. "I tried plugging in the Phantom, I tried plugging in myself, I tried plugging in Clay... Nothing."
"Why would you plug in Clay?"
"Some people get angry at their loved one for dying. It's a strange- but common- psychological effect."
"So what am I mad at?"
"That's what I'm trying to figure out." She flicked her earring with one finger, lost in thought. "Can you testify about why you think you're mad at yourself?"
"I mean, I can. I'm mad because I should have believed in you. You did nothing that should have caused me to have any doubts, but I demanded that you be prosecuted for the death of my friend. I stood up there and I threw away everything."
"The anger was overwhelming the entire time... But in that last statement, your sadness... Or fear... Became overwhelming, too. Why do you say that you threw away everything?"
"I wasn't myself up there."
"Who were you?" She asked. I thought for a moment.
"Evidence is everything," I gasped.
"Hmm?"
"I said that, didn't I?"
"Yeah."
"...I was Kristoph." Athena covered her ears. "I'm sorry! Did I say something?"
"I... That was a lot of anger," she replied with a wince. "Who... Who is Kristoph?"
"He was my mentor... Before I ever met Mr. Wright. I studied under him for a little under a year."
"Why isn't he your mentor anymore?"
"He's on death row... For killing Trucy's father." Athena gasped.
"No way!"
"He's also the reason that Mr. Wright lost his badge."
"...I think I get it."
"Get what?"
"You're angry at him right now. It's his fault that you couldn't trust me, isn't it? Because you trusted him once, and he destroyed that."
"I guess that's true..."
"And then you started to become more like him," she stated, almost coldly. I cringed.
"I'm not Kristoph."
"Which is why you were terrified and angry that he managed to sneak into you, even if it was only for a minute."
"How did I let that happen?!" I shouted. "He was gone. I beat him already."
"This is going to sound strange. Like, really weird."
"Trucy was my partner for a year. Fire away."
"When you hold a grudge, you hold a person close to you. You let their feelings determine your feelings, you constantly want to be aware of their condition... It's like love, in a weird way, but completely different. As long as you despise him, you're inviting him into your life to chain you down. It's been a year, Apollo, and he still has you chained down. This is going to sound crazy, but the only way that you'll ever be free from him is if you forgive him."
"What does that even mean?! I always hear people say that, but nobody ever really said what it meant. It was some magical cure-all where you forget how a person hurt you and you treat them nicely, but I don't know how!" I looked at her. "How did you talk to the Phantom like you did today? He killed your mom, and you were nice to him. You told him that there were people worth trusting, and that he was lovable. How can you do that?"
"Some people think that people can't change. Some people think they can. I've learned that every person has their own perspective, and we judge based on what comes to light. I believed that deep down, there was a person inside of him, one who longed for the same things we longed for- affection, trust, hope... He just hid his emotions. You have to look at what a person could be if you want to forgive them. And forgiving someone doesn't always mean that you have to love them... It just means that you don't hate them. What do you wish would happen to Kristoph?"
"I kinda want his execution to hurry up, to be completely honest," I replied sheepishly.
"As long as you want the worst for him, he's going to be in your head. It feels unnatural. He deserves to be hated for what he's done. But you know, he wants you to hate him. Being nice to him would be the most horrible, vicious thing you'll ever do to him."
There was a pause.
"It means that you've finally beaten him."
"I... I don't want to hate him anymore." I felt a shudder go up my spine, and I felt something like freedom. Athena smiled.
"See? You aren't Kristoph. You're way more amazing than him. You search for the truth, and you find it. You're an incredible friend, and you're always there for me when I'm feeling down. And you're willing to sacrifice anything to find the truth, while he's willing to sacrifice anything to hide it. Apollo... Everyone's happy now, and it's all because of you."
Everyone's happy... Because of me?
"Thanks, Athena." I smiled wistfully, looking past her to a picture of Clay that was sitting on a desk. She turned to look at it.
"I'm not expecting you to be happy. You don't have to be fine right now. But you do need to know that you're never alone, and there are still so many people who care about you." I looked into her sincere blue eyes, which were staring at me with a friendly affection that I hadn't seen since Clay's death. I felt a tear escape my eye, and I bit my lip. She wrapped her arms around me lightly, pulling me into a hug, and my tears began pouring out again, soaking the cloth covering her shoulder.
"You're fine, Apollo," she murmured.
Suddenly, I could believe it.