Bubble Burst
Chapter 10: Pendulum
(100) you came into my life and I thought hey, this could be something
At which point it began, Oikawa could not pinpoint precisely.
Maybe it was as recent as when she realized Shimizu could make the tastiest crab croquette he had ever tasted (that was like five minutes ago). Maybe it dated as far as years prior when she came out of the bus during their teams' first practice match with an imaginary halo. Or maybe it was in the between, when she decided to wait for him at the lobby because he could not take the stairs during their apartment's blackout.
At which point his heart warmed at the sheer remembrance of her, Oikawa could not pinpoint precisely.
(101) we've been meteoric, even before this
But although he could not pinpoint when, now that he thought about it, falling for Shimizu Kiyoko was probably one of the easiest things to do.
The thing was, Oikawa knew that when he harbored any feeling to a woman, he had a hard time making it exclusive. Not that he did not try, but looking back, he hardly recalled a time where he could just look at one girl and one girl only. It was nearly justifiable for him to have such a frivolous personality when people just kind of had a consensus about it.
And Oikawa had never tried to change the consensus. It fit him. He was used to it. When the world labeled you as one thing, it was comfortable to stay within the spread of that label.
So whatever he was feeling for Shimizu, Oikawa knew that it would be best kept as it was.
And besides, Shimizu was his weight holder. She was like the female version of Iwaizumi –someone who would know when he was about to cross that border and would prevent him from ever crossing that comfort border. Harboring any deeper feeling to Shimizu was something that was out of the border. And Shimizu, Oikawa was glad that it was Shimizu, because she was the type of girl who valued rationality over anything and would not go as far allowing herself fall for a guy like him. Besides, she still had Sugawara –and that was her personal holder.
It was easy to keep it that way when he was sure that Shimizu would not allow him to cross that border. It kept the balance. It kept the comfort, the label, intact.
So every time, Oikawa would just walk casually to knock on her door, because Shimizu would not be affected and nothing would change. He had been certain of it.
(102) daylight, i wake up feeling like you won't play right
Until that afternoon, when he bawled his eyes out like a kid after he poured out all of his underlying insecurity and she simply hugged him, comforted him…
…and silently promised him of giving him her all.
Her gray eyes were always those that hold gentleness to them. Even when she was indifferent most of the time, Oikawa remembered the slight envy when he saw her wrapping the bandage over the ankle of her teammates back then. She had always been a kind soul, that he knew all along. But for the first time, he saw that gentleness was taken to the next level –it was aimed sincerely at him, and not out of moral obligation, sense of responsibility, or even an attempt to be hold a normal humanistic value.
She cared. She cared for him and it was not the same way of her caring her teammate.
And more than anything, it scared him instead. She was no longer going to prevent him from falling deeper, because that time, Oikawa knew that Shimizu was falling just as deep as he was.
And when both parties fell, one could not simply save the other.
(103) and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
"You eventually didn't come to the match on the 22nd," Iwaizumi noted just as soon after Oikawa placed his order to the waiter.
The Izakaya was crowded, and even in the midst of chilly December, the load of people inside made Oikawa sweated a bit. He decided to take off his coat and placed it on his lap before he replied.
"I really couldn't, anyway, Iwa-chan. I've been on a business trip these past two weeks and including on that day," he reasoned. "And as a matter of fact, I just got back and instead of crashing my bed I decided to drop by in Yokohama to meet you first."
"Wow, I feel so special," Iwaizumi noted tonelessly. His sake bottle came first and he twirled the bottle before he poured himself a cup. Looking at the clear liquid instead, Iwa then murmured, "…You wouldn't have come anyway even if you had not been in the business trip, right?"
Oikawa did not want to give false hope to his best friend. "Yeah. I probably wouldn't have, still."
"They made it to the quarter," Iwa reported the result. "But thereafter, they…well, lost."
"Hm."
"And I'm sorry," Iwa added.
Oikawa looked at the black-haired man without much of an emotion reflected on his eyes. Only after the waiter came with Oikawa's order and left that he replied, "What for?"
"I don't know," Iwa muttered and gulped his sake again. "I just thought that I should have been more…" he trailed his words.
Oikawa sighed and decided to aid his friend with the vocabularies. "What? Supportive? Persistent? Laid back?" Oikawa sighed and drank his drink. He put the glass back to the table. "You've done everything you could have done, Iwa-chan."
"But –"
"Just as much as I have done what I could have done," Oikawa muttered. "So… there should be no regret. I mean, it still hurts. I can't deny that I probably will always wonder of the what could have been but…" he shrugged. "… I want to move on myself."
Iwa stared at Oikawa, and the look alone probably compelled Oikawa to add some more. "And move on –not just run away this time. It'll take more time of course, but…I'll manage."
Iwa's shoulders slumped a bit. He did not know what kind of expression he must wear for Oikawa this time around. But if there was anything, Iwa knew that the moment he knew Oikawa, no, even after he knew Oikawa (his complex attitude included), Iwa knew that Oikawa would always be the man whom he could trust on.
"You'll manage," Iwa confirmed and poured a drink for Oikawa to drink.
A small smile spread upon Oikawa's face. He did not really recall what kind of conversation flowed thereafter. Or how many glasses he drank. Oikawa only half-remembered that he ended up having to borrow Iwa's money because he had not withdrawn enough cash and the bar did not accept credit card. But judging that even his cash was not enough to pay for the drink, they must have drunk a lot. Oikawa also half-remembered that Iwa and him walked with wobbly feet and that one of them puked outside –he did not really know who, only the stench he remembered.
"Fuck, I'll never drink with you again," Iwa promised himself.
Oikawa laughed as they tried not to go to the dangerous road of Yokohama –still bustling in the night. "Let me know when you want to –"
Face flushed with alcohol, Iwa interrupted, "Didn't you hear me? I said I don't want to drink with you anymore."
"Let me know when you want to temporarily coach the team again."
Iwa straightened his posture up.
Oikawa brushed his palms together as he blew his breath to his freezing hands. "No promise," he reminded. "But just let me know beforehand and I'll try to make the time."
(104) you're a rebel in disguise (is that the devil in your eyes?)
Oikawa did not go straight to Tokyo after his drinking session with Iwa. The taller boy jumped rather too excitedly and chanted ("Sleepover! Sleepover with Iwa-chan!") as he waited for Iwa to put on the passcode into his quaint apartment in Yokohama.
"There's still time for the last train to Tokyo," Iwa reminded again –hoping Oikawa would change his idea of crashing into his place for the night.
"So stingy! It's been a while since we've caught up like this and had a heart-to-heart talk! Come, Iwa, show me your latest nail polish collection! We can do each other's nails in turn!"
"Goddamnit, shut up, Trashykawa. I don't have nail polish, you imbecile."
"I'll do your hair then! Or we can have pillow fight!" Oikawa exclaimed as he waited for Iwa who still couldn't get the passcode right (Oikawa was starting to get the clue on who was the most drunk one out of the two). Watching Iwa's back as he stumbled with the lock combination, Oikawa only leaned on the railings behind him and muttered softly, "Besides, I don't really want to go back to my apartment at Tokyo now."
Iwa looked past his shoulder for a second, but then his electronic lock beeped in approval. Oikawa cheered and giddily opened the door first instead. Oikawa's rudeness and overfriendliness were things that Iwa had been too accustomed anyway.
Iwaizumi could only sigh. Oikawa might have vowed to stop running away from one thing, but that clearly did not mean he was ready to stop running away from the other.
(105) a sinister romantic (oh he's about to be, and she's about to see)
Oikawa had tried to make it as casual and as normal as he could. But he should have known better that Shimizu was, while reserved, not one who was insensitive towards her surrounding.
"Then why are you avoiding me?"
Damn.
He looked down at her. It really had been weeks since he last properly looked at her, and God, isn't she always a vision to behold? Oikawa thought that it was really, really, unfair because Shimizu probably would never know just how much he wanted to squish her hard and cage her just with a soft exhale she emitted. Oikawa tightened his jaw because he knew he could not do it –not after the days, weeks, of strong resolve of cutting ties with her. No. He would not allow her to break it all just with an easy sigh that escaped her lips.
Tilting his head and spreading his lips wide into a smile, he told her. "You're reading too much into it, Manager-chan. I really am just busy lately, or…" he smirked. "Does Manager-chan really can't get enough of me?"
It was easier to be flirtatious, frivolous, flippant.
Except that with one Shimizu Kiyoko, Oikawa knew it was useless being all three together.
Understanding that this strategy would not play well, Oikawa eventually told her.
"Look, it's nothing personal –" (yes, it is) "–and nothing too complicated," (yes, it kinda is), and he held his breath before he forced the words to roll out completely. "But I do feel like I need to make some distance from you. You're…making things weird lately."
And as if to prove his point, Shimizu even said a weirder thing next.
"Because you realize that I have feelings for you now?"
When girls confessed to him, it was usually not like this. It usually did not make his heart wanted to burst into tiniest particle like this. And mostly, it usually did not sting as much as this.
Because, God, he wanted to. He wanted to pull her right into his embrace and he would not let her go. Because it filled him with the surge of blissfulness and his heart thumped so hard it made his knees trembled. Because it was precious, because Shimizu was precious, and exactly because it was so precious that –
"Your feeling… it's heavy, Manager-chan," Oikawa sincerely admitted. It was so heavy and it was so important that Oikawa did not have the confidence to hold it up. He did not even have the confidence to look at her in the eyes, because knowing that the flash of pain on her gray eyes were caused by him… it deterred him already.
Oikawa could probably remember all the words that she said to him that night, but at the end of the day, he knew only one conclusion –that this, whatever the name of this fucking relationship was – had come to an end.
The soft click of her closed door confirmed it.
Oikawa did not move from his spot in front of their doors. It was not until his boss called him that he had been waiting for his review that he made a half-hearted effort to enter his abode and shift his mind away from Shimizu.
(106) think of me and burn
The best way to move on (run away) was to distract himself.
The merits that Oikawa had in the office was always due to his hard work, and despite his lack of popularity among some of his envious colleagues, everyone knew that he was a hardworking person more than a genius. His boss gave a double take when he requested for more work. The longer the hours the better. More overtime to take him away from the apartment, the best. It had been that way for the past weeks until his boss just told him straight out.
"Sorry, Oikawa. I don't really have new assignment to give to you as of now. And goodness, it's Friday night. Get a life, go get laid or something."
So when work failed to distract his mind, he resorted to other things. The Friday nights were the most dreadful, because of the important moments they once held. Oikawa still had it within him, of course, the natural talent to be all the Fs: flirtatious, frivolous, flippant, flamboyant, fickle, fucked up.
The girl he brought to the love hotel was the first one in weeks, no, months, probably. She was a totally gorgeous woman with soft brown hair and eyes that would twinkle when Oikawa –by chance – correctly remembered her name. He trailed kisses down her collarbone and made all the necessary foreplays. It was all good, the necessary distraction, just the perfect –
Oikawa pushed himself away before he could enter her.
"What?" the girl chortled.
"W-what?" he echoed, equally as confused, because hey, it was all good and his mind was all ready for this, and there was a dashingly attractive naked woman on a bed in front of him, and goodness, what kind of healthy boy could do this?
A boy with his heart left in the dump somewhere, it seemed.
"I can't do this," he eventually said as he began to pull up his boxers and pants. "I-I'm sorry. I'll pay the room bill, but for this, I'm sorry."
"What?! Oikawa-san!" the girl protested as she tried to snatch Oikawa's arm back, but the latter was already getting off the bed.
"I'm sorry!" he expressed one more time and a low bow, before he dashed out of the room.
(107) you're just a beautiful girl (and I'm running around in circles, baby)
And he ran. He forgot his coat and in the biting February cold, people gave a second curious glance to his lack of warm attire. He did not care. The fire in his lungs –burned from running all four blocks away – was enough to explode from within. He eventually stopped himself in front of a small convenience store to catch his breath and get a grip.
But when what actually tugged his heartstring was something this heavy, even his grip could not hold up.
"Goddamnit, this is ridiculous…" he cracked himself a laugh that did not sound sincere even in his ears.
(108) lover is crying; 'cause the other won't stay
Sometimes they still met by the elevator, sometimes in front of their doors, other time in the cafeteria.
And every time he was the one whose posture was too straight, every time it was him who threw his glance away, every time it was him whose tongue was tied.
Whenever they happened to cross path, she would have no smile on her face, but no hostility in her eyes either. Whenever they met, it was always her to greet him.
"Good morning, Oikawa-san," Shimizu would say –polite, composed and appropriate.
But there was the indifference in the air she carried, and the realization that one had definitely decided not to stray too long in the past. Oikawa knew he had no right to even feel this way, but the sting was too sharp and if he bled, that was only inevitable.
(109) only hate the road when you're missing home
If there was one tiny wish that he wished he could have done before, it was to call her by her first name.
'Kiyoko' was a beautiful name. He wished it had slipped out of his lips before, when he had the chance, when whispering it would not be too inappropriate, when he could say it with a smile instead of a plea that resonated deep with regret.
(110) are we taking time, or a time out? (I can't take the in-between)
At the end of the day, time would heal everything –Oikawa believed.
One needed to be patient, one needed to give it a time. All good things came to those who waited, they said.
And it had only been… what? 58 days since Shimizu cut it clean with him? 3 months since he last touched her skin? 8 hours since he saw her entering the PR division to discuss with his manager? 3 minutes since he last thought of her?
Time could heal everything, true, but only when one did not count each fucking minute waiting for it.
To be Continued
Songlist:
100. Two is Better Than One – Boys Like Girls
101. Stargazing – Kygo
102. Redbone – Childish Gambino
103. Iris – Goo Goo Dolls
104. Oceans – Coasts
105. Shakespeare in Love – Layla Kayliff
106. Of the Night – Bastille
107. Circles – Summer Skin Search Party
108. Stay – Lisa Loeb
109. Let Her Go – Train
110. Cold – Maroon 5