Even though I hadn't updated this story in forever, I was still getting reviews which is really really sweet. I deleted the last two chapters if you noticed because I didn't like where it was headed, so this is the tenth chapter instead. I randomly had inspiration to update this because I missed Denny - I hope it makes sense and thank you for all your feedback!
There was an elephant in the car on the drive home from the movies. Kathy had been wrapped up with Two-Bit no doubt but that didn't mean she wasn't keeping an eye on me like she said she would. Nothing even happened between me and Ponyboy, well, not that Kathy should be able to tell. Inside I was more than elated to just be sitting there beside the kid. I snuck glances at him when I could, hardly believing that it was happening, because just last week I barely knew more than his name. I learned that he really liked movies from observation. I always kinda knew he liked reading because of English class, but I understood that it was stories in general. I thought that was cool. I liked stories, too.
"Ponyboy's 'bout your age, I think," Kathy said. I was staring ahead but I could see her smile at me quickly from the corner of my eye. I wasn't about to cave that easily, though she made it hard when she gave me that look. It was the look all friends gave their friends when it came to boys or girls.
I thought maybe I was too obvious. Maybe Ponyboy picked up on it just like Kathy clearly had and felt sorry for me, that's why he talked to me, because he felt bad. I couldn't believe just a little while ago I had thought I had a chance. I actually thought someone as tuff and smart as Ponyboy would like someone as embarrassing and boyish like me. The distance from him helped me realize. When I was around him, it made me see foggy because of what I was hoping for. Well, I had some thinking to do.
"What of it?" I mumbled. I had put myself in a bad mood despite being in a great one moments before. Over thinking always got me. It just seemed no matter what I told myself, I wasn't the kinda girl to get someone's attention and dealing with a crush was making me real sure of it. If I told Kathy that she'd tell me not to be so hard on myself, but that was because she had to say those kinda things. She couldn't straight up tell me I was right, that boys my age didn't like girls who gave them a run for their money on the court. But I didn't know how to be anyone else.
"If you don't think that kid's cute then, Den, you are lyin' to me and yourself," she said teasingly. She was in good spirits because she had a boyfriend and didn't have to worry about not being pretty or girly enough. For the first time, I felt distant from Kathy. She could say whatever she wanted, but she didn't really know what it was like to be me. No one did. In our school I was probably the only girl who still acted ten years old, and other girls found comfort in the fact they'd never be as stuck as me when it came to the transition from middle to high school.
I sighed. I didn't want to have this conversation, and suddenly especially not with Kathy. "Well it don't matter anyway. Even if I did think he was cute, but I'm not sayin' I do just if I did, it ain't like he'd be after a girl like me." And I felt better getting it out in the open. Now that I had finally admitted that to someone it didn't have to be kept up inside anymore, weighing me down.
It hurt a bit, I guess. When you say things like that it's a lot different than just thinking them. Hearing the words even from your own mouth make them feel harsher, but I had to grow up just like everyone wanted, and that meant I couldn't keep lying to myself. I couldn't keep believing I could stay this way and eventually it'd all work out, because it wouldn't. And I wish I hadn't had this realization in Kathy's car after a fun night, but it didn't seem like I could put it off any longer.
"And what the hell is so wrong about you?" Kathy chimed in with her predicted attempt at uplifting my spirits, which I was convinced now was just her trying to sugar-coat a bad situation by lying to me.
"I don't wanna talk 'bout it," I said. I was giving Kathy more attitude than normal. Normally I didn't give her any, because we never got into anything that I thought was worth arguing. But I felt strongly about this. If I had the chance to wake up as one of those pretty girls my age, I would take it and fake it until I learned the ropes. I know I said I wouldn't be able to survive like that, but it seemed I didn't have a choice. This wasn't just about Ponyboy Curtis, but all boys, and my mama, and Amy and those girls, and everyone.
Before Kathy could say anything, ambulance sirens rung through the cold dark street. Kathy pulled over to the right. We were the only other car on the road. There had been one driving with us but it turned awhile back and now the streets were dead which was expected at this time. Everyone had already found a place to spend their Friday night.
The ambulance buzzed passed us going so fast it made my head spin. Kathy waited until it was long gone, staring at the road behind it. I thought that was weird. I couldn't drive so I didn't know all the rules, but I didn't think you had to wait until you couldn't see the ambulance anymore to get back on the road. But I didn't want to correct Kathy, because she knew more than me about that topic and I had seemed to annoy her enough with our discussion before.
"That came from Buck's, huh?" Kathy said quietly. She seemed in a sort of daze and I took the chance to look around from my seat. This wasn't a main road and the direction of the ambulance was towards the hospital, obviously, and away from Buck's. It might not have come from there, but realistically, it was more than likely that it did. I didn't know what Kathy was all stunned about, though. It wasn't like this was something new. Sure, maybe I had never seen an ambulance come from Buck's, but they had more than enough reason to be there. And most of the time they weren't called even when they should've been.
"What're ya worryin' about?" I asked just as quietly. Kathy always spoke poorly of Buck's so I assumed, besides Dallas, she didn't know anyone who went around there. Or at least she wasn't close with them, anyway. "Are you gonna drive?" I asked even quieter, not wanting to agitate her. I knew it had to be passed eleven o'clock and I might've talked real tough about not caring about my curfew, but really my mama was going to let me have it.
"Uh, yeah," Kathy said, "Gotta get ya home, right?" She put the car back into drive and pulled out from the side of the road. Silence overcame the vehicle after that. The thought of our previous conversation was long gone and now I wasn't sure what to say. Kathy didn't speak either, I thought that was weird. We both sat without making a peep, something that was seeming to occur more often lately than it ever had before. I've known Kathy my whole life and we had never not gotten along. I wondered if this was growing up.
Finally we reached my house and I hopped out, thanking her nonetheless, even though speaking was awkward after so long. She waited until I got inside safe, then I looked out the window to make sure she pulled out safe. The house was dark and my parents weren't around anywhere. I turned on the living room light and sat down on the couch. I felt weird and I didn't like it. I wanted to stay awake because I couldn't stop beaming over a boy, but instead I ruined that for myself with reality and now I was staying awake because I felt plain terrible. The phone rang in the midst of my thoughts.
Even though my body wanted to stay put, I forced myself into the kitchen to answer the phone. It didn't feel like I was attentive, or even controlling my body. I imagined this was what zombies felt like and that made me smile a little, because I thought of the depictions of them in early morning cartoons. I picked up the receiver and murmured a surprisingly perky, 'hello'.
"Is this Mrs. Byers?" the voice on the other end asked. Like I said, my mama and dad weren't anywhere I could tell, meaning they were likely asleep already. I didn't know why they wouldn't wait up for me.
"No, this is her daughter," I told him.
"Are your parents around?"
Now I knew I wasn't supposed to be telling people when my parents weren't near, especially strange people who called almost in the middle of the night, but for some reason I told him the truth. They couldn't come to the phone.
"Okay," he said. He paused, like he pulled the phone away from his face to rest on his shoulder while he figured out what to say next. I waited. "This is the hospital and we have your brother here, so if you could let your parents know they need to come in immediately when you see them, that would be great, sweetheart."
"Why is Jay in the hospital?" I blurted anxiously.
"We can't release that information. Tell your parents to come in. Thank you." And he hung up on me, as if being James' sister wasn't enough for him. Goddamn, I hated being a child. I couldn't remember if I hung up the phone or let it fall, but I do remember rushing out of the kitchen and into my parents' bedroom. I turned on the lamp beside my dad's head and saw him stir, alerted by the light. He looked at me curiously, as if he thought I was home and had been sleeping, and why I would be awake now made no sense.
"James is in the hospital," I said. I could feel myself starting to cry. My dad got up right then and shook my mama to do the same. He repeated what I said to her and he brushed passed me to get ready. I waited in the living room, unsure if I was dreaming or not. Man. I hated being thirteen.