"We should go after her," Eli said, obviously miserable.

He and Sari sat in the room given to them in the Sidonie Alder's household, a woman who Sari had only moment ago learned was Keisha's mother. Her husband, Ayver was in the village below, holding a conference with curious villagers who were trying to get a peak of the newcomers.

Sari had been respectful of Sidra's wishes last night and had let her go. So far, only he and Eli knew they were gone, and Sari planned to keep it that way for as long as they could.

He resisted the urge to go after her and drag her back. This was why she had been brought here. Bringing her here to deal with the problem had been the reason for this whole journey in the first place. Still, he couldn't forget that only a couple of days ago, she was nearly overcome with cold. Now she was alone and he couldn't be there to help her through it. In the back of his mind, he knew following her into the Vale would be a mistake. It was too dangerous.

He ran his fingers through his long hair for a moment. It was too dangerous for her to go in there too.

"She should have taken me with her. I'm not Gifted," Eli went on. Sari opened his mouth to retort but then shut it again. Eli was unGifted. It would be safer for him than anyone else.

"It's too late now anyway," Sari said instead.

"What's stopping me from riding in there now?"

"You'd need a Companion to ride there without a guide," Sari answered. "Or at least a dyheli. Besides, you'd freeze before you got there, Lily Hands."

Eli looked at him, utterly unamused. "Don't pretend you aren't worried about her."

"Did I ever say that I wasn't?"

"Don't play dumb with me. I know what is going on between you two."

"There is nothing going on between Sidra and me."

"Come on, Sari. I know about your bond." Eli snorted and looked out the window. "Don't act like her absence doesn't hurt you."

"There is nothing going on between Sidra and me," Sari repeated, angry. "And even if there was, it would be none of your business. There is nothing going on between us either."

Before Eli could reply, Sari was out the door and down the stairs. He didn't stop until he was outside, and even then he kept walking. He didn't know where or what he was doing until he ended up by a small hut, near the Alder's farm but still secluded from the entire village. Not Feeling anyone inside, he tested the door, found it unlocked and let himself in.

It was obviously a Healer's hut. Probably Keisha's. He recognized some of the herbs and materials it contained, but everything was covered in dust. She obviously hadn't been here in some time.

He was too angry to look around for long. Instead he let himself drop to the floor, slamming his back against the dusty bed and coughing a bit as he disturbed the dusty floor. It made him even angrier until he finally made himself sit still until the air cleared and he could breathe again.

Sari wasn't sure what annoyed him more; the fact that Eli had hit the right marks or that he'd had the presumption that he should butt in. He expected it from Auberon. He was sick of taking it from Eli. It was a delicate subject already without someone not even involved giving him their opinions. He hadn't even talked to Sidra about it yet, and she was the one he was bonded to!

The sight of his breath in front of his face was oddly calming, and he watched it for a moment, letting his annoyance leave him. The truth was that he was bothered by Sidra not being here, by leaving him behind. That made him angrier than anything else. The whole situation did. Lifebonds were limiting. His life, his fate was tied completely to a whole other person, two other people if he counted Jereth. He thought being tied down to Auberon was bad enough…

Don't bring me into this. This is all your fault.

I did not Choose me in Sunhame. I did not rip my world apart at the seams and piece it back together. He closed his eyes and sighed. I don't want this. I don't want the responsibilities and expectations that come with it.

No one said you have to get married. Plenty of bond-mates don't.

I don't want the intimacy that comes with it either. You know me. I don't, he paused and then went on, I don't feel the same way most people do. It's not the same with me.

Is it because she's a girl?

It doesn't matter, he answered before he realized that Auberon was joking. He smiled briefly but then said, It really doesn't.

You just hate being tied down.

That's part of it, he said honestly. I do. I don't want to be restricted. I want to do my job. I'm good at it.

You really think you're going to get assigned to the Palace?

I can't bring her with me.

Why are you acting like an idiot? You are acting like your life is over. Why can't you go on Circuit and come back to her when you are done?

She deserves to have someone who wants to come back to her.

You don't like her?

I don't know her well enough. But I know women well enough to know what they want when their men come home. That's what partners want. I can't give that to her.

What if she doesn't want that from you? Auberon's voice was hesitant, as if he was afraid of saying too much.

Sari sat up straight. What are you not telling me?

Auberon sighed, I'll let her talk to you about it. He knew there was no point in arguing with his Companion. He'd been down this road before.

That was something he hadn't considered, that Sidra had come from a similar background as his own. He had assumed she had come from the Shin'a'in. They didn't have whores like Sari had been before he was Chosen… right?

When he had first made it to the Palace (and learned how to speak Valdemarrian), he had been actually shocked to learn just how many of their trainees had been poor, beggers, farmers, or whore-born like himself. It wasn't such a stretch to think that Sidra might have been one herself before she was Chosen too.

That thought gave him a bit of comfort. Maybe she would understand.

Then again, they said that sex with a lifebonded partner was different than with an unbonded one. Maybe it would be different with Sidra.

No. No. He thought to himself. Don't go down that road. He'd been there before, after Eli. He thought it would be different after he'd given himself time to adjust. It hadn't been. It had been just as unpleasurable, just as degrading as it had always been. It didn't matter who Sari was with, or his role in the pairing; girl, boy, bottom, or top, he always hated himself during and regretted it after.

He thought of his mother. Had it been so bad for her? Did it make her feel cheap and unwanted after?

Please don't start thinking about your mother having sex. I don't even want to know what kind of issues you will develop when you start doing that.

Sari laughed out loud before he could help himself. It was a part of my life, Auberon. When I was young, she had nowhere to keep me but under the bed, in a closet. I couldn't escape until I was older, and by then I was doing it myself to keep us fed.

Auberon didn't have anything to say in response. All he could do was send ripples of unconditional love and support through their bond. Sari took all he could. Auberon wasn't worried for him (not about this issue anyway), and Sari made up his mind to not worry about it either, not until he and Sidra could have a talk anyway.

Thanks for ripping my world apart. Thanks for giving me a chance to be human.

It's what I do.

He stayed in the hut a few minutes more before gathering the courage to leave. He stood in front of the door, contemplating the mess inside. There was no one here in the village who seemed keen on taking care of it, and he wondered if he would have some time later to straighten it up.

"That's Keisha's," said a voice behind him. Sari turned and saw Nightwind strolling up the field. She was taking slow, deliberate steps, trying to gauge where he was going to go.

He gave her a half smile and said, "I gathered. She doesn't live with her family?"

"No. She was self-taught until her sister was Chosen and the Tayledras settled here. Before we came, she was on her way to becoming a hermit. Her Empathy was starting to control her, and there was no one who could be spared to teach her." Nightwind came up beside him, hugging her chest.

"She wasn't sent to the Palace?"

Nightwind shook her head. "She was the only Healer in the village, and there wasn't a proper one in the Vale. Besides, none of the villagers would have trusted a Tayledras healer at that point." She paused, turned to him and said, "Feeling better?"

"Yes," he said shortly. "No, I don't want to talk about it. This isn't the time or the place. And, no offense, you aren't the right person."

"Shandi has told me a little of Herald Sidra." Nightwind paused again. "She went to the Vale, didn't she?"

Sari studied Nightwind for a moment. She had the same hollow look about her, the one everyone in Errold's Grove had. Whatever spell that was on them was sucking them dry, leaving them as empty husks. It didn't seem to matter if they had Gifts or not.

"She's not like anyone else," Sari told her. "She's not like Firesong, even. Herald Elspeth has great confidence in her."

"I've never met Wingsister Elspeth," Nightwind answered. "But I hope she was right. We could all use a little bit of confidence."

"Come," Sari held out a hand, ushering back to the house. "We should make plans."

"Plans for when it works, or for when it doesn't," she asked.

Sari was a realist. He didn't tell tales, he didn't spin yarns, and he could tell Nightwind was not in the mood to be lied to, even if it was kindly meant.

"Both," he said, and walked with her back to the house.