Chapter 10

The two started in silence at each other for what seemed like an eternity. The word reverberated inside Sami's head like gentle ripples of water.

Depression.

But how? She couldn't put two and two together; Grit seemed like the last person in the world who could have been suffering! He always looked so calm, so at peace, even in the face of war. She couldn't hide the surprise on her face as she stared at Grit, a man she had considered so strong and emotionally sturdy. Grit noticed her surprise. But he himself suddenly felt at peace. He wasn't surprised by Sami's reaction; after all, it was always the person you least suspected who would be most likely to suffer.

"I'd better tell you the story" Grit explained as they stood still. Closing his eyes to recount the whole thing, he began to speak.

"It all started when I went to college. Back then I was as happy-go-lucky as could be. I know, it's strange, right? Thinkin' of me as some bouncy guy with a smile on my face every time. I was full o' energy back in those days. Anyway, college was normal, me and Max were best friends and stuff, and I met Nell and we hit it off. Everything seemed pretty perfect…until my second year of college. Then, all of sudden, I felt isolated. Felt alone. Like nobody cared"

As he spoke, he felt Sami's arm slowly slink around his back. He relished the comfortable feeling of it, a small smile appearing as he continued to tell his story.

"Depression's a fickle thing. I just thought I wasn't eatin' well enough, or that maybe I was stressed or somethin'. But nope, despite makin' the changes, I didn't want to leave my room, struggled LOADS to actually go out an' socialize and stuff, felt sick, felt alone, you name in, anythin' negative and I was feeling it harder than anyone else possibly could. It'd come and go, some moments I'd be happier than a squirrel in an acorn pile. The some days I felt like I was…rotting. Rotting and rottin' way. Like, sittin' down and starin' at space. I dealt with it until the end of college and through the start of my army career. I was really withdrawn, kinda like I am now, you know? Quiet, and after havin' dealt with it for such a long time, not even war could usually shift my feelings. I'd be like a rock of unhappiness, or happiness, whichever mood I was on at the time"

"So…" Sami interjected. "The reason you're so calm all the time…was it depression?" she asked.

"…Hmm, nope" Grit replied. "Not recently, anyway. You see back then, I was a lot more broodin'. But here's what happened: I broke up with Nell not long into my Orange Star career. Lots of people think it was because she rose up the ranks high n' I got jealous or somethin'. But you see, when you have depression, even the most solid things in your life become…uncertain. Heck, even life itself isn't certain when it hits super hard…lord knows I've been…close"

Grit could remember the darkest days of his depression, when he would be stood in the kitchen, a knife edge resting against his skin, contemplating whether to leave himself in a heap of horror on the floor. The image chilled him to the core and he felt thankful to be in the lighter days of his illness. Sami's grip became tighter, as if she was holding on to him for dear life.

"You get so scared sometimes" Grit continued. "That no one's hearing you. No one would understand why I'd lock myself in my room or my office. Or not want to talk. Nell couldn't understand why I'd just suddenly storm out on dates, or not return calls. That type of thing. It seemed so natural for me to do all that stuff. It's like some depression bug gets in your head and plays havoc. Then one day, I just broke up with her"

A moment of silence reigned. With a sigh, Grit continued.

"I just called it off" he revealed. "And on the same day, I quit Orange Star and defected to Blue Moon. It was such a stupid thing to do…but back then, I felt like I had to. It was a cry for help in a way, you know? It all made so much sense at the time"

"You felt like nobody was understanding the pain you were going through?" Sami asked.

"In a sense, I was hurtin' myself then" Grit explained. "But just emotionally. The break up was horrible, and Max got in my face for it. I got so angry; I quit Orange Star there and then. To this day they think I just lost my temper, but it was a cry for help. If only I knew that to any sane person, it wouldn't have looked like that. And I just couldn't up and say I was depressed"

"You had it diagnosed?" Sami asked. Grit nodded in confirmation.

"While I was in college. I refused medication, the idea of drugs n' stuff messin' up my brain don't sit well with me" Grit explained. "So that's what happened. My break up was a cry for help due to my depression. Quittin' Orange Star was for the same thing"

Sami suddenly grabbed hold of Grit in a loving embrace, digging the side of her face into his neck.

"Oh Grit" she said, exasperated. "If only I'd known…"

"It's alright, Sami" Grit said, taking Sami into his arms while holding the umbrella up. "There's some good news in this"

"There is?" Sami asked, looking up at Grit.

"When I went to Blue Moon, it really helped" Grit revealed. "To get away from it all. When you're so far away from where the depression developed, where all the troubles were and stuff, things became easier to deal with. It's made me into the quiet, unassuming, super calm person you know me as today" he revealed.

"But all the skirmishes you had with Orange Star?" Sami asked.

"It was hard, yeah…" Grit thought, thinking back to Olaf's first failed invasion. "Especially seein' Nell again. But depression's weird. I've learnt to cope with it by making peace with it. That means makin' peace with all the things I consider connected to it"

"So making peace with Nell and Max?" Sami asked.

"That's right" Grit confirmed. "I never told them exactly why I left, but we talked enough over time to put the past behind us. Since those days, I go about my business as if my depression never existed. I learnt to walk away from the Pandora's box that depression is" Grit smiled as he recounted the return of his happier days. "It never really goes away, it just becomes part of you; you learn how to cope. You learn how not to care." Grit paused for a moment before continuing. "I knew I had it, but it was dormant. Still, it was my secret, and it never sat well inside me. Until now"

"You mean I'm the first person you've told about this?" Sami asked. As Grit nodded, she sighed quietly. "But…why me?" She couldn't quite understand the cryptic nature in which Grit described his depression, but she knew that it could be severe. She knew not to judge it, but to respect it. Her understanding of depression based on Grit's story was that it had no understanding. Grit not being heard meant that nobody could comprehend what he was going through. And nobody could, not even herself. But Sami didn't want to make the mistake that everybody else in Grit's life had made. She wasn't going to treat it at face value and devalue Grit's emotional experiences as something shallow, like a strop. She valued Grit, this one night had taught her so much about this enigma of a man that she felt she wanted nothing more than to protect and respect the man she currently held in her arms. Depressed or not, it didn't sway her strong feelings for him in this still, raw moment in time. Just because she didn't understand it, didn't mean she couldn't respect it. In that sense, depression was just like life itself.

"Why you?" Grit asked. "It's easy, darlin'. I feel like you get it" A big smile appeared on Grit's lips as he talked. "It was happenin' to me today! At the restaurant, I had to go to the toilet to sort myself out. I recognized the cascadin' of thoughts, the chain reaction of negativity; it felt just like college again in that toilet. But you just helped me feel so calm, you didn't question, you didn't make a fuss. You just made me feel like me, this whole night, and I've just had the most amazing time…"

He stopped himself. Grit knew if he kept talking, they'd be there until the morning sun. And so, he ended it there.

As Sami and Grit walked arm in arm together towards her apartment in the city, Grit finally felt just at ease as he was back in the glory days of college. He knew that depression would never leave him. But he had learnt how to cope. The depression had shaped his character and defined who he was; it was these impressions that depression had left that would never leave. Grit, however, knew most of all that scars can be worn with pride.

Arriving at Sami's door, they parted and looked at each other.

"Well…" Sami said quietly, looking down to the pavement. "…It's been a lovely night"

"Sami…" Grit said quietly. Sami looked up at Grit, thew two standing very close together. At the beginning, Grit would have felt far too nervous to even try it. But standing close to her in the rain of the city, late at night, he felt calmer thanever. Bending down, he kissed her cheek gently, holding her arm gently. Stepping away from her slowly, he took a deep breath. "It's been fun"

Sami, against Grit's expectation, wasn't blushing. She also felt just as calm. It was if she had known him all his life.

"Grit" she asked. "Call me. I'll never forget what you said tonight, and I'll never forget tonight in general. This is not, and I repeat NOT the last time I see you, okay?"

Grit started to laugh.

"You bet!" Grit replied as he stood backwards, out from under Sami's umbrella and into the rain. "Next week, same bar at eight? They do food; I saw the menu"

"It's a date!" Sami chuckled loudly through the sound of the rain. "Grit…goodbye"

Turning around, Grit waved his hand. "Later darlin'!"

And with that, he was gone.

On the streets, and in the car on the way back to his abode, Grit reflected on one of the greatest nights of his life. His cry for help had finally been heard, and for once in his life, the demons didn't chase him to sleep. The stars shone brightly, and in the space of hours, Grit felt his life shine just as brightly.

It wasn't rocket science to figure out where Sami and Grit were the following week.

THE END

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