AN: I can hardly remember writing this and it all sounds depressing now, I don't think that's what I was going for though… /sigh.
I posted a tentative playlist on my profile. It's supposed to be related to this story but as I created it, it bleed into an emotional summary. So if anyone is interested or maybe wanted some recommendations of songs, it's up there. I spent a good forty-five minuets trying to figure out how to create links to the songs but my patience wore out quickly, ha-ha. Anyway if anyone wants to talk about bands, recommend me some, I'd be really excited! ;)
The reviews and alerts are extremely encouraging; I can't honestly believe that I almost have fifty reviews, so amazing! So thanks again!! :D :D!
You don't drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there
-Edwin Louis Cole
Chapter four: Nightmare (part one)
My dreams revolved around Edward Cullen that night. He was holding my hand, pulling me along. My whole body craved his touch, I couldn't let go of him, just held his hand as hard as he held mine. He didn't speak, only glimpsed at me as we ran; compassion in his eyes. I kept asking him where we were going, screaming at him to stop. I was scared, looking behind me constantly. I couldn't see what we were running from it was too dark, too many trees in the way. It was cold out and I was crying, though unsure why. He stopped suddenly and turned toward me. His gentle eyes had hardened and he looked like he had at the end of the fight, the last time I had seen him, unresponsive. His hold on me weakened and right as I was about to ask him what was wrong hands grabbed me from behind and turned me away from him.
I woke up in a cold sweat. My heart racing, tears staining my pillow. I ran my fingers timidly down my cheeks to feel the damp lines the tears had left. Why was my mind trying so hard to hold onto him? Why couldn't I let this go?
In an attempt to rid myself of the nightmare I slowly got out of bed, being cautious with my still sore foot. I put on warm simple clothes for the school day and tied my untamable hair back.
Downstairs Charlie was drinking a cup of coffee while Emmett rambled on about the game last night. I got an apple and tried to engross myself in the close match my brother described. All the while my mind replayed Edward Cullen's facial expressions, lingering on the addictive feeling of his touch. I was frustrated at myself, unable to capture the anger I should have been feeling about the boy I dreamed about.
--
Emmett spent the car ride to school teasing me about anything that he could think of. I played along, desperate for a distraction. Nervous butterflies danced in my chest and my heart was beating irregularly. Just the idea of seeing him again made me feel sick but at least that was a forgivable reaction. At least I wasn't excited to see him like, I humiliatingly, was before.
I tried to focus on the bright side of things when Emmett's jabs weren't enough. The swelling in my foot had gone down quite a lot so at least I could wear my shoe; that was a good thing. I started to imagine what I would have had to do if the reverse had happened, leaving me with a barely useable swollen limb. I supposed I would've worn one of Emmett's shoes; this conjured up a ridiculous mental picture, clearing my mind of the Cullen for a few moments.
"What's so funny?" Emmett asked me, pulling into the student lot.
"I was imagining what I would have done if my foot hadn't gotten better," I chuckled at my misfortune.
This had the opposite effect of what I had anticipated. Emmett's face froze as he put the truck into park. "Bella-"
"Don't you dare start on that again," I cut him off, realizing the direction my statement had taken his thoughts. I was trying to get my head going the other way, why did he have to pull me back?
His eyes rose to mine, and he took a deep breath, "If they say anything to you…" he closed his eyes while his mouth frowned, "Don't let their words get to you," he concluded. He turned away from me and toward the door.
Before he had a chance to open it I asked, "Do you mind if I eat with Rosalie and you?"
He stiffened again as if my question had brushed him the wrong way, "Oh course," he replied slowly. He shook his head as the door closed behind him with a loud smack.
So much for forgetting…
--
Morning classes moved in hyper speed. I guessed that's what happens when you're dreading something, it comes sooner. I tried to be brave, why should I be worried to see him? He didn't mean anything to me, he was a statue, a figment of my imagination, and he couldn't- wouldn't, I corrected- do anything. That was one thing I truly believed, at least not in public; not in biology.
I paid extreme attention to the lectures during class, not leaving much time for my mind to wonder and when the classes ended I forced myself to be extra talkative with Erick and Mike. In the weeks since I had attended Forks High they had made it their life's purpose to get my attention. Although neither made me gooey in a romantic way I was thankful for their presence now.
I played along with them more today then I had in the other times combined and I could see the hope forming behind their eyes. I had never felt worse about myself then at that moment but I continued. I knew I would soon crush their fantasies, both of theirs, and yet I couldn't stop. Watching the train wreck that was Erick's flirting was the worst of the worst. His big eyes ate up every inch I let him gain while this hopeless feeling engulfed me. Why could my body feel a connection to the enemy and not Erick? Erick was a nice guy, he was passionate and he would certainly be better for me than… No, that's where I had to stop; I wasn't going to compare Erick, or Mike with a Cullen. That was damaging.
I listened to Jessica gossip about the boys in our grade, explaining their faults in extreme detail while we sat waiting for third period to start. She lingered on Mike though not on his faults; instead she went into detail about his 'gorgeous' appearance. Another round of guilt plagued me, Jessica liked Mike, really liked him and here I was just toying with him. I decided right there and then I would find a different way to get my mind on the right track.
When class finished I told Jessica I would be eating with my brother, she didn't seem to mind. I think she was even a little happy I would be absent. Mike's preference for me was obvious to her, in fact I think she talked about him so much to warn me off. I could see the yearning in her eyes at the idea that he would be 'all hers' in the cafeteria.
--
As I approached the truck I was aware that only my brother sat inside the warmth. I opened the door and surveyed Emmett before closing it as quietly as I could manage. His shoulders were slumped and his eyes were focused on the sandwich he had packed that morning. "Where's Rosalie?" I asked.
"She's not here," His answer rolled off his tongue, sounding practiced and formal.
"Well I can see that," I tried to kid but it didn't shake him. I paused while I thought of another route, "What's wrong?" I decided short and direct was the best route.
"Nothing." He was too quick to the draw, rehearsed again.
I let it go. He didn't want to talk about it, not now and I didn't want to pry. It could be something I wasn't allowed to know, something I probably didn't want to know…
He reached for the radio, turning it on and letting the music speak for him. Unfortunately for me the distraction of Emmett, although immeasurably better than being in the same room as the Cullen for lunch, wasn't the distraction I needed. My mind forcefully pulled me back into my dream world. Running again, afraid but safe, yes, I had felt safe with his hand surrounding mine. I sighed as time flew toward my hell, biology.
--
I entered right before the bell not wanting any extra time to sit there next to him. Quietly I walked to my seat; the little nose I made as I neared him caused him to look up at me. I examined his expression as best I could from my peripheral vision, his eyes were uncertain, his posture made him appear defeated. I refused to take in anymore of his unfair Godly looks. He was like a mythical creature, his aura pulling in hopeless girls left and right, pulling my mind to his, holding me entranced.
I pulled the chair as far from him as would be conventional in our school environment. It loudly moved across the dingy off-white linoleum flooring. I pulled my hair out of the binding ponytail and let it fall as before, creating a small barrier, all these things put together would signal how I felt about him, or at least how I wanted to feel about him; what I had decided to feel about him.
I sat down feeling his stare pierce the side of my head, through my hair. Uncomfortably I squirmed trying to free myself from the overpowering force that his eyes put me under. The bell rang and he continued to look at me, Mr. Banner briefly summarized the video from yesterday and he resumed it while my neighbor stared. The lights went off with a resounding 'click' bringing with it the feelings; the electricity.
As I had before, I crossed my arms and dug my nails into my arms. His eyes finally, FINALLY, left me alone. I subtly let out the breath I had been holding, not sure when I had stopped breathing. Time continued to move, not as fast as my first classes but faster than biology had gone the other day. As the clock ticked I forced anger to replace uncertain longing. I changed the urge to touch his skin into a more reasonable disgust for his proximity.
He had fought my brother, my brother, how could I ever have thought he was good? The lights flickered on as the movie concluded. Mr. Banner explained what we had seen again, like the movie hadn't oversimplified the topic enough. His words mumbled together and I was only too excited to hear the bell interrupt his lecture; freedom.
I waited for my partner, I scowled at the thought of him, to leave quickly like he used to. Instead he hesitated as if waiting for me to say something. I ignored him and briskly walked toward Mike, ignoring the small jolts of pain that pulsed through my body from my ankle. I would stop 'toying' with Mike tomorrow, I desperately needed a distraction.