Chapter 10

I heard the front door open then close. I could hear murmuring downstairs as two people made their way up the stairs. I guess my mother and Rachel were back home from dance now. Had I really been lying in my bed staring at the ceiling fan for that long?

Suddenly my bedroom door quickly opens and then immediately closes. I lift my head to see my best friend standing at my closed door. I furrow my eyebrows at her, she looks…mad? I wait for my mom or Rachel to come into the room behind her but no one does.

"Where is Rach?" I ask my friend.

"I sent her to take a shower. I picked her up from dance because your mom had to go into work." She continued to stand at my bedroom door, her voice was flat.

I gave her a weird look, "What's wrong?" I prop myself up onto my elbows, making sure to be careful with my stomach.

"Were you ever gonna tell me?" Quinn snaps harshly.

Now I am really confused. What was she talking about? "What?" I ask her.

Quinn tilts her head at me and puts her hands on her hips as she looks up at the ceiling and sighs loudly, "Seriously? Are we really gonna do this? Seriously?" She shakes her head and then looks directly at me. I'm still frozen on my bed resting on my elbows. "San we tell each other everything. I've told you so much, and you confided in me with this. We are here for each other. Always. And I have to hear about this HUGE thing from your sister?" She was struggling to keep her voice low, to keep from yelling. She was really mad.

From my sister? Now I definitely didn't know what she was talking about. Did Rachel tell her that I yelled at her? Surely Quinn would be upset with me about it…but she wouldn't barge into my room and be this...hostile. I shake my head as I slowly push myself up off my bed into a standing position, "What are you talking about Quinn?"

Quinn walked with big purpose filled strides towards me stopping a foot in front of me. "HE was here last night?!" She said in a harsh whisper.

I had to grab onto my bedframe to keep from falling over. I wasn't expecting this. Rachel told her that he came by the house? I hadn't even thought of the possibility of her telling my mom or Quinn what had happened last night, not to mention why it happened. "W-what?" This really caught me off guard.

Quinn shook her head again in disbelief. My reaction confirmed her suspicions. "Why didn't you tell me?"

It was my turn to shake my head as tears burned in my eyes, "I…it happened last night…" I felt myself getting angry again. I felt like I needed to be defensive. Quinn came barging into my room unexpectedly demanding me to talk about something that….something that was unbearably hard for me to experience. I shook my head to clear it from thinking too much about what had happened. This wasn't fair. I stood up taller, "I haven't seen you until you just came barging into my room just now. You didn't give me the chance to tell you."

Quinn scoffed, "Yea…like you would have told me." She crossed her arms over her chest. "Alright," She says sarcastically. I watch as she suddenly deflates. The angry look in her eyes melts away as sadness and sympathy takes its place. She unfolds her arms and sits down on my bed with a big sigh. I slowly sit myself down next to her. I realized that my lower half still ached when it made contact with the mattress. Quinn spoke again, bringing me out of my thoughts, "What did your mom say?"

As soon as the question left her lips I felt guilty. I immediately looked down at my lap as tears came to my eyes. I didn't answer. She was looking at me waiting for an answer, "San?" Her saying my name one more time sent one lone tear cascading down my cheek and into my lap. Quinn gasped, "San…you haven't told her?" More of my tears fall as I hang my head lower. This makes her shoot up to a standing position in front of my bed. She turns and faces me, "Santana?" She said my name with a strong voice.

I finally looked up at my best friend as the tears rush down my face, "I…I can't."

I watched Quinn take a deep breath and calm down once again. She sat down next to me on my bed again. "San, you have to tell her…we can do it together when she gets home from the office, but you need to tell her that he was in the house. Rachel is concerned and frankly so am I-"

"I can't." I repeated again.

Quinn shook her head, "Santana, he was here. He was in your house. God knows how long he was waiting out front of your house until he came inside." She shook her head, "Rachel rode her bike to my house by herself yesterday after I got home from practice. She rode her bike and then I let her ride home alone." She smacked her palm into her forehead and let out a frustrated groan at herself for her actions.

I was more than confused. Rachel went to Quinn's house yesterday? I was wracking my memory trying to remember when that happened. Nothing was coming up. I looked at my best friend, "What are you talking about?"

Quinn pulled her head back and looked at me with a confused face, "What do you mean 'what am I talking about?' You don't know that your sister went for a bike ride yesterday?"

I frowned. When did this happen? I couldn't think of a time when Rachel went for a bike ride. I wouldn't have let her… I shook my head. "No…" I answered Quinn's question. That is when I realized. I had been asleep before my mom left to pick Rachel up from school until my mother woke me up for dinner. The entire day after Rachel arrived home until before dinner when it was dark outside, I had no clue what had happened. My sister could have gone on a bike ride and I wouldn't have had any idea. I rethought my last thought…my sister did go on a bike ride…and I had no idea. I slept through it all. "I must have been asleep," I concluded to Quinn who nodded in response. I focused on the blonde again, "What…what happened? She went to your house?"

I watched Quinn's face fall. She wasn't expecting the conversation to take this turn, it was obvious. She quickly tried to put her face back together before clearing her throat, "Yea...she came over, but she was only there for like 10 minutes… tops." Quinn waved her hand trying to literally brush off the conversation.

I could tell something wasn't being said, "But why?" Rachel wasn't allowed to ride her bike to Quinn's house. She wasn't supposed to ride her bike past the big red house at the front of our street. Rachel was one who followed rules to a T so for her to break one…it had to be for something important.

Quinn could tell I wasn't going to drop this. I watched her sigh heavily. She looked down at her hands, "She...she came to tell my dad that he was mean...and a bully."

This was not what I was expecting. My eyes bulged, "she WHAT?"

Quinn shrugged her shoulders as she continued to look down at her hands, "Yea. If I said he was mad…it would be an incredible understatement." She paused then picked herself back up and begun to blink rapidly to keep her tears at bay, "but anyway-"

I cut off my best friend before she could continue, "Are you okay?"

Quinn shot me a quick look and shook her head, "Yea I'm fine."

Before Quinn could change the subject I cut her off again. She was lying. I could tell. "What did he do to you?"

Quinn jerked her head backwards at my blunt question as her upper lip curled, "Nothing...jeez." She shook her head angrily. "I just got a spanking. I'm fine. Stop changing the subject." Her voice was strong again, "My point was that you need to tell your mom that he was here last night. She has to know. What if you are sleeping or in the shower when Rachel asks to play outside alone again? He was here! He was probably out front watching!"

I threw my hands up in frustration, "You think I don't know that!? Seriously!?"

Quinn shook her head, "I don't think you do. Santana, she could have rode by him on her freaking pink little bike last night! We wouldn't have even known...we won't ever know!"

Quinn was making me angry. Me deciding not to tell my mom wasn't something I decided on lightly. I literally don't have an option. My breathing increased, "I KNOW!" My voice was loud. "I can't! I can't tell my mom."

"But what if she tries to go outside alone again? What if-"

I cut Quinn off, "She won't. I won't let her." I wanted this conversation to be done.

Quinn gave a sarcastic short laugh as she threw her hand up, "You can't watch her at all times, Santana."

I shrugged my shoulders and sat up taller, "I'll need to…. I'll try to only shower when she showers or is at dance or something...and I'll sleep when she sleeps." I shook my head and looked back down at my nail beds, "I'll figure it out." I concluded.

Quinn scoffed, "Right. Well while you are at it why don't you tie bells to all her socks so you can hear where she is at all times too?"

I glared at my friend's sarcastic tone, "Maybe I will."

Quinn looked me directly in the eyes, "You are impossible! You can't do this alone. You don't have to."

I shook my head. "I can and I do. I am." The room was silent for a minute. The tension had grown so high we both hadn't realized it. I took a breath to slow down my heart rate, "He said he would hurt Rachel." My voice sounds catatonic.

"What?" She gasps from my sudden statement.

"Last night...he said if I tell anyone… he would hurt Rachel." I clarified as I wiped at my tears.

Quinn looked at me with her mouth open in shock. She paused, "Santana…this is bad. This…" She trailed off and shook her head. "You need to tell your mom...this is about Rachel now too, San. Before it was you, which is absolutely horrible enough," She clarified before continuing, "But now it's two of the most important people in my life?" She shook her head again, "This is bad San-"

I suddenly stood up. My stomach practically screamed in protest, I muffled a hiss before I continued with what I was going to say, "I KNOW!" My voice boomed over the quiet room. I stood in front of Quinn and looked directly at her, "I know. You know what else I know?" My voice wasn't angry anymore…it was tired. I was tired and drained, "How much it hurt when he was on top of me. I know how much pain I am STILL in because of him." I looked down at the carpet, "When I saw him last night it literally took the wind from my lungs. I was paralyzed."

Quinn hung her head, "I'm sorry."

I shook my head at her and then looked her in the eyes again, "I don't need you to be sorry…I just…there is no way he can ever get that close to Rachel again. He won't just hurt her, Quinn... he will..." I trailed off as my mind suddenly got trapped in my past: the night in the woods.

My long paused caused my friend to reach out and gently clasp my hand. I cleared my voice and looked down at our hands, "He will…" I couldn't finish the sentence. I watch Quinn deflate slowly. I look behind my best friend to avoid her eyes as I continue talking. I could feel my eyes glaze over, "I feel him all the time...I smell him all the time. Every time I turn I think I see him standing there with his awful smile..." I shake my head and refocus on my best friend, "I'm sixteen and I can't breathe. If she is...if he…" I trail off.

Quinn sits up taller and looks at me with a small fire in her eyes. "Exactly, Santana. You are proving my point. We are sixteen years old; we shouldn't be harboring these huge secrets and trying to figure out how to continue hiding them from adults!"

I looked at her, "I don't have a choice." I said slowly with purpose in every word.

"You DO! That is what I'm trying to tell you San-"

I shake my head and rip my hand from her's. "He took away my option for choosing last Tuesday night." I look deeply into Quinn's eyes, "She is eight." I change the focus of the conversation back to what I was saying, "She just turned eight years old. She only knows what sex is because of the birds and the bees song they taught them last year in school," I paused. My eyebrows furrow at the thought, "which ended up making her really want to be a bee keeper when she 'grows up'...so clearly she missed the point of the lesson and the song."

Rachel had come home from school so excited with a 'wonderful family plan' that she thought of during school. She had said that this educational song about bees had shown her what she needs to do in order to be happy with her life: become a bee keeper. She wanted to be a bee keeper on a bee farm with me, my mom and even included Quinn. 'We would never have to buy honey again! We could make so much money!' She had said. Thankfully this phase was short lived. She was stung by a bee on the playground and quickly changed her tune. 'It is far too dangerous' she had concluded.

Both Quinn and I were smiling from being sent back to the memory of Rachel's extravagant family bee keeping plan. Our smiles didn't last long as we were both thrust forward to the present. Rachel was so young and incredibly innocent. "I don't want her to feel him on top of her... in her..." I instantly squeeze my eyes shut at the thought. I licked my upper lip slowly, "It won't happen Quinn. It can't. I've weighed my risks and me telling my mom about this is the bigger risk. One I don't want to take. She'll go to the cops…hell find out. He'll come back for me AND Rachel. Like you said, this isn't just about me now… it's about my baby sister. I can't be responsible for putting her in danger by telling the cops. I wouldn't be able to live with myself."

"Santana, listen to yourself! Don't you see how twisted this is? The cops would be able to-"

I put my hand up silencing my friend as I continue, "I'll live with the fact that he's out there…watching me…but h-he said he would only come back if I talked to anyone."

Quinn broke her silence, "And you think he'll just keep his word?" Her tone was sarcastic, "We've seen what an outstanding citizen he is...so, sure lets believe him and take his word for it."

I shrugged my shoulders disregarding my best friend's attitude again. "It's the only thing I can do. I'm not taking the risk. I'm not talking. No cops and no telling my mom. This is my decision. Please let me make this decision Q."

I watch my friend hold her breath as we look into each other's eyes. I continued to hold my gaze; I wasn't backing down from this one. I watched as defeat slowly filled my friend's eyes. She broke the gaze first and looked down at the floor. She was silent. I continued to stare at her. I could tell she was thinking about everything I said. She thought telling an adult would be better, but now I could see in her eyes that she is considering that I might be right, even though it kills her. I know she is trying to do what's best for me, but what is best for me is keeping Rachel safe.

"Fine." Quinn finally replied quietly.

I nodded my head accepting her promise not to tell my mom. I released a breath I didn't know I was holding. I walked over to my bed again and sat right next to my best friend. She grabbed my hand in hers as I laid my head down on her shoulder. We sat in silence for a while. We heard my sister's shower stop running and heard the familiar noises of her playing in her room down the hall.

Quinn finally broke the silence again, "Your mom seemed like she didn't want you and Rachel to be alone together…that is why she asked me to get Rach from dance then come over. Did something happen between you two?"

I pick up my head from my friend's shoulder and look over at her, pulling my hand from hers. I felt like he punched me in the stomach again. "She said that?" My voice cracks as I manage to get the three words out.

Quinn looks at me with complete confusion on her face. Once she sees the tears in my eyes she immediately is overtaken with regret. She didn't know that she was bringing up something that would upset me. She had no clue what happened this morning or last night. That was where this whole fight had started when she barged into my room half an hour ago.

"Well…not in so few words…" She trailed off. "But… That is the impression I got." She looked me in the eyes and must have seen my hurt. "Maybe I'm wrong though," She added quickly.

I hung my head. My mom didn't fully trust me alone with Rachel. Rachel had said something comparing me with Ryan earlier and was shaking and crying…and my mom thought I had laid a hand on her. Didn't she know I am not capable of ever hitting her? Or does she know more than I do and can see that maybe I am… I shake my head, "No… you are probably right…"

I spent the next hour explaining the previous night's events and then informing her about the chaos that took place this morning starting with me throwing up. We talked about how Rachel cried herself to sleep last night because of my actions and then ran to my mom crying and shaking because of them again this morning. We talked about Ryan…and remembered everything we felt walking into the house and coming across what happened three years ago. Quinn spent a good amount of time trying to convince me that Ryan and I have nothing in common. She promised me that I wasn't turning into him, and even though I don't completely believe it…it is nice to hear someone have that much confidence in me when I don't have any in myself anymore.

Once our conversation died down I decided that I wanted to take another shower. Talking and thinking about him made me feel dirty. It always does. I needed the hot water to take away the tingling my skin continued to feel from him days after he'd long touched it. I stood in my bathroom now, leaning on my counter again as I stare down at the sink; lost in my own thoughts.

Honestly, I needed time to myself too. I love my best friend, she is practically another sister, but I didn't want to give her the opportunity again to bring up the fact that I should tell my mom that he had come to the house. I didn't tell my mom that he took my license for a reason. The reason? He told me not to tell anyone. The fact that my best friend and mom knew about what happened was more than too much. Quinn had a good point, even though I don't want to really accept it. I don't know him. My eyes water again. I don't know him and he stole my virginity. A tear fell down my cheek. He is a…monster. Who says that he won't show up again just because he gets bored? He could come back at any time…but I couldn't think about that. I didn't have an option. I had to take what he said and expect that he'll abide by it if I abide by it. It was my only option. Talking to the cops was far too dangerous…because they don't know how to find him…but he sure knows how to find me. He seems like one to follow through on his threats. I shake my head. I need to shower. I need to shower. I shake my head and slowly make my way over to my shower. I reach inside and turn the water all the way to hot as I prepare to enter. The bruises on my wrists have begun to fade. My body is healing, but inside I feel as raw and exposed as I was that night in the dirt.

After my shower I found my room empty. I walked down the stairs and headed towards the living room. I had a towel wrapped around my shoulders keeping my soaking wet hair from wetting my baggy t-shirt. I could hear the TV on in the other room and as I neared I could tell Ancient Aliens was the show playing. A small smile pulled on my mouth as a breath of relief released from my lungs. Quinn was the one in the living room. I could handle Quinn. My mom or Rachel would have been harder, a lot harder.

I silently came in and sat down next to my best friend on the couch. Her eyes were glued to the TV. Quinn finally turned her head to face me, "This episode is awesome. It takes place in Egypt."

I looked at the TV as the picture panned over some hieroglyphics from ancient Egypt. "Uh huh..." I nodded then looked back at my friend.

She looked away at the TV again as she pointed excitedly at it, "Look! They have pictures of helicopters, hovercrafts, submarines and airplanes in their hieroglyphics! Those are all things that weren't invented until hundreds of years later. I mean, hello! Aliens were totally there. We have to go there one day." She smiled at me.

I couldn't help but smile back at my friend. She has always loved the idea of aliens and life on other planets. I shook my head at her, "Maybe for graduation we can convince my mom to take us to Egypt." My smile slowly faded as the commercials went on. My friend continued to look at me with nothing but love in her eyes. I cherished my friendship with Quinn. We had just had a full blown fight an hour ago, and here we were talking about traveling abroad. Somehow my smile couldn't remain. The feelings of dread, disappointment, sadness, anger at myself, disgust and stress enveloped me once again.

Quinn could see my mood shift. She could always read my face and somehow always knew what I was thinking. She changed the subject to keep my mind from going back to what it always seemed to go back to: that night. "Your portable house phone is missing from your room. I'm thinking Rachel snatched it. She is in her room with the door closed still. Do you think she called whats-her-name?"

"Chelsey," I clarified for Quinn. Chelsey was Rachel's closest friend, and the only one she ever talked to on the phone. I shook my head, "She isn't allowed to talk on the phone in her room. Getting a phone in your room is a 13 year old privilege."

Quinn nodded her head, "Yea I know. I remember your 13th birthday clearly." Quinn smiled at the memory of how excited we had both been for the new addition to my bedroom.

"Mom has told Rachel that over and over again." I said back to Quinn. My sister knew the rules, and she never has had a problem in the past using the corded phone in the kitchen. I frowned as I thought about what she could be trying to hide.

Quinn raised her eyebrows at me, breaking my internal thoughts, "So….should we go see what is so confidential that she can't use the landline phone in the kitchen?"

We both instantly lifted off of the couch and walked towards the phone that was mounted to the wall in the kitchen. I paused for a second with my hand hovering over the receiver. I looked at Quinn and she gave me an encouraging nod. I bit my lip and quickly picked up the phone, holding it off of my left ear. Quinn instantly leaned her head into the other side of the phone so we both could hear what Rachel was saying. Her voice came through the phone loud and clear.

"I'm just having a bad weekend. Sanny is mad at me…and now Quinn is mad at me. It just-"

Rachel paused. Quinn and I looked at each other as I continued to hold the phone between our heads.

"Hello?" Rachel's voice asked after the beat of silence.

"Hi?" Rachel's friend Chelsey replied back.

"No not you Chelsey…hold on." Rachel paused again, "Hello? …Santana?"

I covered the mouth piece with my free hand and shot Quinn a worried look. Had I been breathing heavily into the phone? Quinn shook her head and shrugged her shoulders as if to tell me that she didn't know how Rachel knew.

"Chelsey, I have to go. I think someone is on the other phone." Rachel said quickly.

"Okay, talk to you tomorrow." Chelsey responded before a click was heard and the dial tone rang through the phone again.

I quickly but quietly hung the phone back up on the wall, and pulled my hand away from it like it was on fire. I continued to stare at it for a second and so did Quinn. We were both silent waiting for Rachel to call down to us. Waiting for Rachel to storm down the stairs and lecture us on the importance of privacy. It didn't happen. Rachel remained in her room. No movement could be heard up stairs. I chewed on my lip nervously and looked over at Quinn. She had the same look on her face that I felt I had on mine. Guilt with a side of hurt. Rachel's words rang through my head again.

"Why does she think you are mad at her?" I whisper to Quinn as we continue to face the hung up phone.

Quinn shrugged her shoulders before hanging her head. I looked over at her and noticed that she was twirling her hair. Quinn's nervous habit was hair twirling. Quinn took a breath, "Probably from when she came to my house yesterday and yelled at my dad." She turned away from the wall to face me, "He…he started to yell…it scared her, but I told her today on the way home from dance not to worry about it. I told her I wasn't mad or anything." Quinn's face looked sad. She didn't want Rachel to think that she was mad at her, it was clear.

She was probably feeling about the same way I was in this moment. It killed me to know that my baby sister thought that I was mad at her, but after my recent behavior how could she not? I shrugged my shoulders, my voice was still low and quiet, "She thinks I'm mad at her because I've been avoiding her and ignoring her for days…and then I yelled at her…" I trail off as my eyes start to water. "I just…I don't know how to be around her anymore," I confess to my person.

Quinn nods her head and grabs my hand giving it a tight squeeze. I manage to suck the tears back into my eyes before they fall. "Maybe we should go talk to her?" Quinn asks as she gives me a small sad smile.

I begin to chew on my lip again. I've been avoiding talking to Rachel. I haven't wanted to talk to her because I haven't known what to talk to her about. How am I supposed to explain to her that I am not mad at her when I know she is immediately going to ask me to explain my behavior? She is going to want a reason for me being so different…and I can't tell her. I don't have an excuse that is eight year old appropriate that fits for all of my sudden changes. However, I know that Quinn is right. It isn't fair to keep her thinking that we are mad at her. Even though it might be easier this way…us knowing for a fact that the eight year old we love thinks that we are mad at her isn't fair in the least. I have to say something…anything. I finally nod my head, "Okay…yea."

Quinn nods her head in response and grabs my hand tighter as she turns and leads me towards the stairs for Rachel's bedroom.

We stood outside Rachel's clutter filled door. I looked at Quinn hesitantly. Somehow what little courage I had mustered up downstairs had vanished by the time I completed the short walk up the stairs and to Rachel's room. My mind was running a mile a minute. What was I going to say to her? Tears stung my eyes. I've never felt this clueless when it came to my baby sister. I've always known what do say and do, and now I am standing in front of her door paralyzed with the unknown.

"Breathe San, you are okay," Quinn's soft voice whispered into my ear. She had seen my unshed tears.

I looked over at her and wiped at my eyes and took a deep breath like she had coached. I nodded my head and then refocused my attention on Rachel's door knob. We both stared at it for a while.

"When is she going to take some of this stuff off her door? I mean...she has the wooden 'R', the pointe shoes, her drawing of the penguin, all these ridiculous bows...it's a mess." She laughed at herself. Her voice lowered, "I'm surprised her room is always immaculate, with a door this…cluttered." She looked over at me and her smile fell. She straightened her back and nodded her head at me. Refocusing on the task at hand.

I looked at the door knob again. This was it. I reached my hand out and took a step forward expecting to open the door. Only, I couldn't move because the door was locked. I tried twisting the knob again. Nothing happened. I looked back up at Quinn with a tilt of my head.

Quinn's confusion mirrored mine as she looked back at the door and knocked on it gently, "Rach?"

No answer.

I cleared my throat and knocked, but this time louder. "Rachel?" I called through the door. No answer again. I jiggled the door knob again, hoping to somehow unlock it but of course it didn't work. "Rachel your door isn't supposed to be locked." I said through the door. My mom didn't allow us to lock our bedroom doors. This was a known rule and wasn't new.

"Go away." Rachel yelled from inside her room.

I instantly deflate at my sister's voice. She thinks I'm mad at her. She locked us out of her room, and now she doesn't even want to talk to us. I've really messed everything up. Everything is my fault. I shook my head; I am so disappointed in myself. I take my hand off the door knob and hang my head.

Quinn stepped forward at the sight of my defeat, "Rach?" She said lightly. She set her ear against the door, "Me and San just want to come talk to you for a little…will you let us in?" Her voice was so kind.

"No." Rachel's voice was short, curt and strong.

I reached out and rested my hand on the door, "Boo?"

"I said GO AWAY! Leave me alone!" Rachel's voice yelled out even more angrily then it was previously. A thud on the door made it shake causing me to flinch away from the door and withdraw my hand quickly. I cursed at myself. I hate unexpected noises now. I had to coach myself to breathe once I realized my last breath had frozen in my chest. Rachel had just thrown a stuffed animal or something at the door. That is all it was.

"Girls? What is going on?" My mother's voice suddenly was behind me. I hung my head and focused on the carpet underneath my feet. Quinn and I were both so stuck in shock by Rachel's angry voice and temper tantrum that we hadn't even heard my mother come home. We didn't know that she had walked up the stairs and was now standing behind us.

"Nothing…" I said dejectedly. I didn't want my mom to know that Rachel had locked herself in her room in order to not have to talk to me. I didn't want her to know that I had shaken her or yelled and cussed in her face. I didn't want her to know the severity of my yelling from this morning. All of these things I didn't want my mom to know: I didn't want her to know because that would require an explanation as to why I snapped. I couldn't tell my mom that he was here. But I also didn't want to tell my mom all of this because that would mean I would be admitting out loud that I had behaved that way…it made it more real. My mom already doubted me being alone with my sister; I didn't want to give her more of a reason to be worried, even though maybe she should be.

Quinn finally spoke, "We were just going to talk to Rachel but…she doesn't want to talk."

I continued to look down at the carpet, but the silence that filled the hall told me that my mom was staring at me, waiting for me to speak or do something. She was watching me waiting for my next move. I didn't have a next move. I'm stuck. Just like I am with every other aspect of my life now.

My mom grabbed my hand gently and looked at Quinn, "Well…let's just give her a little space for now." She looked back over at me as she stroked the back of my hand with her thumb gently, "I brought home chicken, mash potatoes and macaroni…for a late lunch…or early dinner."

"What time is it?" Quinn asked suddenly.

I looked up at my mom as she looked at her watch, "It is almost 3:30p.m."

"Shit- I mean…crap." Quinn corrected her language. I looked over at her and saw that she was looking apologetically over at my mother. My mom was always telling us to watch our language. Quinn continued, "I uh...I have to go. My dad wanted to leave the house for 'family dinner' at 4…so I should head back over there." Quinn had started rocking nervously back and forth on her feet.

I furrowed my eyebrows. Quinn was anxious and nervous. "Are you ok?" I almost had forgotten that she said she got in a lot of trouble for Rachel going to her house yesterday after school. She was 'punished' for it…a spanking from her father. I chewed my lip as I looked at my best friend. It makes me so mad that he still spanks her.

Quinn shot me a silent pleading look before shooting her eyes over at my mother.

I looked at my mom who was looking back and forth between the two of us. She could tell something was off. I changed my focus back to Quinn and raised my eyebrows waiting for an answer to my question. Was she okay?

"Yea. I'm fine?" She answered with a question, "Why wouldn't I be?" She was looking at my mom again…probably trying to read her face to see if she believed her. I sighed, before I could respond Quinn spoke again, "I'll call you later, I really have to go." She smiled at me and pulled me into a big hug. As she pulled away from the hug she kissed my cheek, "Love you."

I sighed again, "Love you more."

I watched Quinn rush past me to my mom. She hugs my mom tightly around her shoulders, "Love you Mama Lopez."

My mom kissed the top of her head as she pulled away from the hug, "Love you too sweetie. Thanks for picking up Rach for me."

"Welcome! Bye!" Me and my mom watched as Quinn rushed down the stairs and grabbed her keys from the key dish and dashed out of the front door. Leaving me and my mother standing alone outside of Rachel's closed and locked bedroom door.

My mom turned from the direction Quinn had just fled from and looked over at me with an arch in her brow. She was asking me silently what that was all about.

I shrugged my shoulders, "Her dad doesn't like it when she keeps him waiting. He is very punctual I guess. I don't know." I was getting tired lying for Quinn to my mom. Quinn confided in me and told me what really happened most of the times at home, but she would tell my mom a 'less scary version'. She was embarrassed by the things he said, and even more embarrassed with the fact that he spanks her. Even though none of it is her fault, she doesn't see it that way. The only way to keep Quinn talking to me was to not tell my mom everything that she confides in me. It sucked, but…her telling me the truth was more important, because if there is ever a time that something big happens, I need her to feel comfortable enough to tell me, so that I can be there to get her help.

I paused for a second. I guess that is what Quinn did for me by telling my mom…although the situations are as different as night and day…. I trailed off and refocused on my mom before my mind could start falling down the slide into the endless pit of memories from that night. Those nights, I corrected myself. He's ruined two nights now. Once in the woods, the other by coming to my kitchen and threatening my baby sister. I shook my head and looked up at my mom, she was staring at me.

"You alright?" She asked with a worried look on her face.

"Y-yea…" I cleared my throat, "Yes." I said more firmly.

My mom nodded her head as she continued to watch me. Finally she spoke, "Head down stairs and fix yourself a plate for dinner. The food is on the island and there is some fresh tea in the fridge."

I nodded my head at my mother and pulled my hand from her grasp. As I begun to walk towards the stairs I could hear my mom sigh and step up closer towards Rachel's bedroom door. Knots formed in my stomach. What if Rachel told my mom about him visiting last night? I paused on the steps and forced myself to breathe. I had to focus on the moment. I couldn't worry myself over the what ifs…I already have too many of those floating around in my head as it is. Kitchen. Food. Tea. Those three things were my immediate goal.

"Focus." I told myself as I continued to walk towards the kitchen. "One foot in front of the other," I mumbled out loud to myself in attempt of motivation. Kitchen. Food. Tea. Kitchen. Food. Tea….

Shelby knocked gently on Rachel's door once her eldest daughter was out of sight.

"I already told you to leave me alone." Rachel's voice sounded through the door.

Shelby frowned at her youngest daughter's voice. "Rachel?" Scrambling could be heard on the other side of the door. Shelby tried to open the door and noticed the door was indeed locked. She frowned and shook her head, "Rachel it is Mommy. Open this door please."

As soon as the mother finished the sentence the door quickly unlocked from the other side and opened slowly, revealing a wide eyed Rachel. Shelby shook her head at the young girl; Rachel knew she was in trouble for locking the door. She had the 'deer in headlights' look on her face.

"Hi," Rachel said quietly with the door still cracked.

Shelby looked through the crack at her daughter, "May I come in please?"

Rachel nodded shyly and then took a step back, releasing her door. She quickly ran and jumped on her bed, pulling her Teddy onto her lap and begun playing with his ears as Shelby opened the door and stepped into the room.

Shelby walked forward and sat next to her youngest daughter on her bed. Rachel was concentrated on her Teddy's ears as if they were talking to her. Shelby sighed, "Locking doors isn't allowed boo, you know this." When Rachel didn't even acknowledge her statement, Shelby reached across and pulled Teddy from the young girl's hands. "What is going on?"

Rachel looked at her Teddy as it now sat in her mother's lap. She sighed and then looked up at her mom. She knew she was in trouble; she was caught breaking a rule. She felt guilty….she never broke rules, not usually. Rachel shrugged her shoulders as she looked up and met her mom's eyes, "I didn't want to talk to them and they didn't want to talk to me… so I figured it didn't matter."

Shelby sighed heavily. "Well, sweetheart, you figured wrong. A rule is a rule. No locking doors." She watched as Rachel nodded her head. Shelby cocked her head to the side as she looked at her baby, "Why don't you want to talk to them? They seemed like they were trying to talk to you?"

Rachel just shrugged as her chin quivered.

Shelby set the stuffed animal on her other side and then pulled her daughter closer to her, wrapping her arm over her shoulders. She thought for a moment silently as she tried to collect the right words to say in her head. "Your sister isn't upset with you, but...I think she may be upset about something." Shelby felt bad; she knows for a fact that something was wrong with Santana. Her sixteen year olds inner turmoil was understandable...but not to an innocent eight year old who had no idea what was going on. Shelby continued, "You know how sometimes it takes you a while to process your feelings? To articulate them?"

Shelby watched as Rachel tried to understand what she had just said. Rachel thought long and hard, "I don't do that. I'm good at saying my feelings. San is the one who spends forever 'processing'."

Shelby sighed and leaned her forehead against Rachel's head, "Well then boo, be patient. She may come to you soon but locking her out won't help that. It is okay to be upset and feel your feelings, but it is not okay to break rules."

Rachel slumped her shoulders even more, "I just...I feel lonely now. It's like I don't have a sister anymore." She said honestly as she looked up towards her mother, "I just want it to be like how it was..."

Shelby couldn't stop the tears that instantly filled her eyes. She had to look away from Rachel so she could wipe them before they fell. Shelby wanted that more than anything in the world. She wanted none of this to have happened. If there was anything she could do, any price she could pay to take that night back from Santana, then she would do it and pay it. But unfortunately that is life. There are no redo's. They needed to move forward she reminded herself.

She looked back at Rachel with a big smile, "Well, maybe tomorrow you can go to Chelsey's house and hang out with her? Or something? Get out of the house for a bit." She rubbed Rachel's arm, "How does that sound?"

"Good," Rachel mummbled quietly.

Shelby smiled then tickled Rachel's neck lightly with her fingers, trying to get the young girl to smile. "It sounds good? Well good! Let's do it!" She tickled Rachel harder, finally getting the young girl to squeal in laughter. Shelby smiled at her daughter then pulled her into a hug. "I love you."

"I love you too mama." Rachel replied with the smile still on her face.

"Let's go downstairs, I brought home dinner. Chicken and macaroni, one of your favorites." Shelby stood from the bed.

She noticed her daughter's smile slowly fade. Shelby extended her hand out for Rachel to grasp and pulled her to her feet. "You are going to be alright kid." She said with a smile as she smoothed out Rachel's hair and led her out of her bedroom. They were all going to be alright. They had to be.

Dinner was silent. My mom talked Rachel out of her room long enough to come downstairs and eat at the kitchen island. I pushed my food around on my plate to try to make it seem like I was eating. I couldn't bring myself to have much of an appetite. As soon as Rachel was done eating the last bit of mashed potatoes that was left on her plate, she put her plate in the sink and joined my mom on the couch in the family room.

We both had been sitting at the kitchen island together eating our dinners, but no words were exchanged. I didn't know what to say, and Rachel seemed to be mad and sad at the same time. I couldn't blame her. I wanted to say sorry for how I treated her, but I didn't know how. I knew that if I apologized then it would open the flood gates and there would be numerous questions asked; questions about the visitor the previous night that started this whole thing. I couldn't risk it. Not only did I obviously not want to answer questions about him…I couldn't risk my mom overhearing the questions. She can't know he was here. So instead of apologizing, I just sat and pushed the food around on my plate until my sister left the kitchen.

I could hear the TV on in the next room, and knew that my sister and mom were watching Jeopardy. It was something they tried to do on a regular basis. I used to sit and make fun of the contestants on the show as my sister would absorb all answers to the questions, gaining crazy amounts of random knowledge. My mother loved it.

I sighed and stood up slowly from my stool. I pushed the remainder of my food down the garbage disposal and rinsed my plate before putting it in the dishwasher. I leaned against the sink for a minute trying to think of what I felt like doing. Nothing. I felt like doing nothing. I couldn't go sit on the couch and watch Jeopardy with my family because it would only highlight how different I am now. I slowly pushed away from the kitchen sink and walked to the entrance of the living room. I leaned on the door frame and looked in. My mother had her hand wrapped around my sister as she sat with her legs crossed. My sister was snuggled into my mother's side.

"Fittingly, this country was the site of the first modern Olympics in 1896." Trebek's voice rang from the TV.

"What is Greece!" Rachel answered over enthusiastically, sitting up from my mom's side.

"Good job, boo," My mom smiled at her when her answer was confirmed to be correct. She kissed the top of Rachel's head as my sister leaned back into my mom's side. My mom turned her head and saw me watching from the entry. She smiled at me, "Hey San, want to come sit down?"

I watched my mom's smile slowly fade as I continued to stand against the door frame. I know I look tired. I know that I look dejected. I watch as Rachel looks over at me quickly before she snuggled down further into my mom's side and focuses on the TV again. I finally shook my head, "No…" My voice was really quiet. I cleared my throat then tried again as I nervously played with my hands, "No…I think…I'm just going to go get ready for bed and go to sleep…"

My mom looked at the clock and then looked back at me with raised eyebrows, "Are you sure?"

I nodded my head.

My mom sighed, "Okay…well I will be up shortly to check on you and tuck you in."

I nodded my head again and started to turn around and walk out of the room towards the stairs.

I heard my mom's voice echo down the hallway, "Night baby, We love you!"

I paused my walking for a minute. I nodded my head and took a breath, "Love you too." I managed to croak out as I brushed a few tears off my cheeks.

I have been lying in my bed for nearly an hour now. My mind was too full to drift off to sleep. Watching my fan spin around and around has become a habit since Tuesday night. I roll my eyes. This is ridiculous. Will I ever be able to sleep soundly again? I continue to stare up at the fan as I aimlessly pick at my split ends. My mind drifts off to the 'what if's' again. What if I fought back harder. What if I made Puck or Quinn come out with me to drop off my purse? What if I just put my purse underneath the kitchen sink? A couple stolen bucs and a stolen debit card would have been much easier to deal with then this….

My mom knocked lightly on the door. I didn't even bother looking over at her as she walked in quietly and sat down on the edge of my bed. The light from my bathroom lit up half of my room, so I could see my mom's face clearly out of the corner of my eye. She was chewing her bottom lip as she stared at me, starring at the fan.

We were like this for a while: me lying underneath my blankets picking at my hair, staring at the fan and my mom sitting on the edge of my bed, watching me. Neither of us said anything. Silence enveloped the room. I could barely hear the TV playing downstairs, but it let me know that my sister was still down there, which eased my mind. Rachel was big on saving energy. If she left the room to go get a glass of water she would turn the TV off to save the energy. If I was my old self I would smile at the thought of how funny and peculiar my little sister is….but I'm a new person now. Smiling is hard to do now and rarely ever happens naturally.

My mom finally broke the silence, "I wish there was something I could do to help you, Santana…I wish you would talk to me."

I finally peeled my eyes from the fan and looked at my mother. Her face looked so sad. She gently tucked a piece of hair behind my ear; I closed my eyes at the movement. I could feel my eyes beginning to water, but I willed them to absorb the tears. I opened my eyes and looked at my mom, "I don't know what you want me to say mom…."

My mom licked her top lip and took a deep breath at my response. She gently took my hands that were still pulling at my hair ends and brought them away from yanking at my hair. She cupped both of my hands in hers. "Just something…anything. Keeping this in isn't good baby."

I felt my mom's thumb gently stroking the back of my hand. I looked down at our hands. "I just…I'm just so tired…all of the time." My voice was barely above a whisper.

My mom gave my hands a reassuring squeeze, "That is okay Santana. You are allowed to be tired. This…this is tiring physically, mentally and emotionally. It is understandable to feel tired, but I also need you to feel supported. I need you to feel loved. I need you to know that you will be okay." My mom used one of her hands to gently lift my chin to force my eyes back to hers. "This isn't going to be easy. I know that…I just want you to know that you can come and talk to me anytime about anything you are feeling." She nodded her head, "I never thought in a million years that this would happen to you Santana, and I know that you didn't know that it was going to happen, no one could know this sort of thing was coming. Life throws us curveballs and we never can know why, we just have to know that we need to keep moving." She took a deep breath, "You were raped, nothing about this is easy-"

I shook off my mom's hand and scoffed at her last comment, cutting her off. The word seemed to ring off my walls. My mom was sitting on my bed telling me that it's fine to feel tired and that she knew that this wasn't easy. She didn't have a clue how complicated this was…. I shook my head again as I frowned. That was the point my mom was making….she wants me to talk to her. She wants to know what is going on in my head.

"What?" She asks as she stares at my face. I almost forgot that my scoff cut her off mid-speech.

I couldn't look at my mom. I felt like I was in this constant state of fighting with myself. What happened that night…it was so complicated, only it wasn't. My thoughts weren't even making sense, "Rape…" I mumbled quietly without realizing I had spoken. After the word left my lips I looked up at my mom with raised eyebrows.

She tilted her head as she looked at me, "I know…I understand that it is a hard word….it's hard to say…it's hard to understand." She nodded her head again.

Before I could stop the words they tumbled out of my mouth like verbal vomit, "In my head it's what happened…but to my body….it wasn't." I licked my lips before I slowly let my eyes reach my mother's gaze. She was looking at me with furrowed eyebrows.

I watched as my mom's face slowly turned from confused to realization. Her face softened. She stroked my cheek before she brought her hands to her lap. I couldn't read my mom's face. Was this the type of talk she thought she was going to get into before coming into my room to check on me? It surely wasn't on my agenda. I didn't want to talk about any of this…especially not the biggest thing that I hated about it all….but somehow, laying in my silent dim room with my mother it had come out. Yesterday when she had talked about how sex was 'going to feel good with the right person', I had run to the kitchen sink and thrown up. My mom had to have an idea why, but of course we hadn't talked any more about it, because I wouldn't allow us to. I don't know what changed from yesterday afternoon to this moment I am in now…but for some reason I felt like I had to tell my mom. I had to let her know how messed up I truly am. I had to tell her the worst part…because one of two things could happen. She could drop the subject and be appalled by how disgusting I am…or she could have some advice as to what to do next. Either ending would be welcoming to me at this point.

"San?" My mom brought me out of my thoughts.

I looked back at her eyes. Words tumbled out of my mouth again, "That night…when…when it was happening…." My mom nodded in understanding so I continued, "I kept saying 'no'...but my body kept saying 'yes'. I…I yelled for him to stop…but my body…It practically screamed yes at him..."

My mom reached over and grabbed my hand tightly in her own again. Tears were brimmed in her eyes.

I looked down at our hands, there was no way I could look her in the eyes and say what I was about to say, "Then…after we were...finished... he smiled this awful smile...and he told me that he knew...that he knew I would like it." I felt tears falling down my face as I confessed the darkest thing about that night to my mother. "I just don't know how to not feel guilty and ashamed, Mom..."

I looked up at my mom again finally. Her chin was quivering and a few stray tears had run down her cheeks. I licked my lips. My brows furrowed as I looked my mother in the eyes and continued, "I...I liked what he did to me...it was...my body liked it so much. I…I have never felt so…s-s-satisfied before and that...that scares me and it's all I keep thinking of. How do I get passed that? How do I not feel...disgusted with myself for it?" After I finished talking I couldn't keep my eyes on my mother. Tears began to pour silently from my eyes as I turned my head to the side against my pillow.

I could feel my mom reach up and wipe the tears that fell from her eyes. I heard her sniffling. She was trying not to break down and bawl in front of me…my confession had done this to her. Suddenly she was grabbing my hand again. She pulled it into her lap. I squeezed my eyes closed but reopened them and used my free hand to swat at the tears that had fallen.

"I work with people and their bodies everyday Santana…." My mom licked her lips gently as she thought carefully about how to phrase her next thought, "You can be connected but you can be so disconnected with your body at the same time…"

I rolled my eyes slightly and looked over at my mother's face again, "This wasn't like...it's not like I had a seizure or an asthma attack, mom. I should be able to control that..."

"Santana….an orgasm is merely a biological response to things going on below conscious control. It isn't something you can control. Sometimes our bodies speak for us against our will and without wanting." My mom sounded so collected somehow.

I let her words sink in. Were orgasms really beyond people's control? I furrowed my eyebrows. I of course don't have anything to compare it to… but in the movies…I shake my head, I know I am being ridiculous, but….people always are enjoying themselves when they orgasm. Right? Could it be possible that it is something that happens below conscious control like my mom says it is? She is a doctor…she knows right? Or is that just an opinion? My doubt quickly started coming back. Surely I could have stopped myself from completely letting go like I had done. It was like this feeling that was building in my stomach…and the only thing I could do….the only thing I had wanted to do was let it go…and so when I did…he had won.

"Santana? Did you understand me?" My mom asked gently.

I looked back at her again. "I heard you." I did. I had heard her…but I wasn't completely convinced that she was right. I mean…she is my mother…mom's say things in order to help their kids, truth or not? Or am I wrong? Shit. Why is everything so confusing now? Everything is so hazy since that night. I can't just feel one emotion…I have to feel 10 at the same time. I can't just think one way about something; I have to see three different sides to it. No wonder I'm always tired. I sigh.

My mom must have seen how tired I felt. She leaned over and kissed my forehead softly, "I know right now, it doesn't feel like it San, but someday you'll be on the other side of this. You don't get over it, but you'll be on the other side." She searched my eyes as she wiped a stray tear from my cheek. All I could do was nod my head and hope that my mom was right.

I closed my eyes and felt my mom slowly stand up from my bed and tuck the comforter around my shoulders. All I could think about was her last words. 'The other side'. What did that mean? Was it something to look forward to? Or was it going to be like this forever? Since that night…I've grown this huge fear of the unknown…and something as vague as 'the other side' didn't really sooth me. It terrified me. What was the other side to rape? I don't want to be 'that girl'. I don't want to have the classifier: victim. I don't want to be called a survivor…I don't like how any of those sound. I just want to be me. I want to be Santana Lopez, the girl who is a kick ass popular cheerleader with straight A's. The one who all the other girls are jealous of in school. I want to be the girl with a picture perfect life again….

But it won't ever happen. I'll never be that girl again. He made sure of that.

A/N Reviews really do help inspire me. It's nice to know what people think of the hard work that I put into these chapters. I appreciate it.