Chapter Nine
I sat in front of Renesmee in Glee Club and stared into space. Dr. Jorgen was praising us all for the wonderful job we'd done at our final concert. It had been last night, Thursday night. Today was the last day of regular classes before finals next week. I barely registered when Dr. Jorgen dismissed us with a cheery 'Happy Holidays'. It had been a month and a half since the nightmares from my old life had ended. My stalker was dead, my brother was safe and I was free to live that old life again. Problem was, I didn't want my old life back.
"Chris?" Renesmee turned around with her best smile on high wattage. I barely noticed, giving her a distracted smile of my own as I pulled on my coat and gloves. She took my smile as permission to grab my hand and drag me down the risers and out of the rehearsal room. I half walked, half ran behind her as she wove through the crowded hallway and out the front doors of the Hop.
"Where are we going today, Nessie?" I asked this, slightly curious about her excitement. Slight curiosity was the best I could muster. At least it was better than complete apathy, which had been my response to almost everything lately. I almost felt guilty about that, but even seeing the concern in Nessie's eyes over the past several weeks hadn't been able to break my dark mood.
When I'd heard the sirens that night, I had immediately sat up despite the protests of both Daniel and Bella. I had insisted they vacate the crash scene immediately. The last thing any of us needed was to have to explain how the three vampires had beaten the emergency teams to the scene. Without a car. I finally convinced them to disappear and both Raoul and I had managed to get to our feet and stumble around to the other side of the car where Fran lay. Edward's bandage on her head was impeccable, made from his dress shirt. Raoul had the presence of mind to remove his own shirt and rip the sleeves off, using them to apply pressure to the still seeping wound. There had been millions of questions in Raoul's eyes, but he'd remained silent that night.
My brother's wound had been more than a graze, but not terribly serious. He'd been stitched up and released that night. I'd ended up with a couple of cracked ribs and a multitude of bruises, but I got taped up and released along with Raoul. Fran had needed more care, but I hadn't seen her again after that night. Not that I hadn't see plenty of the rest of the FBI. After two solid days of debriefing, someone had finally gotten around to asking me the most important question of all. What was I going to do now?
I had decided to finish out my semester at Dartmouth, maybe even a real college career. All because I wanted to stay close to the Cullens'. And of course, Daniel. I did, however, spend a week of quality time with my brother in Colorado. Raoul had asked me some hard questions that week, most of which I simply couldn't answer. I knew he wasn't going to let it go completely, but he had stopped asking after a few days. He had kissed me and wished me luck before I'd boarded a plane back to New Hampshire.
My flight had landed after sunset. I had chosen that on purpose so that the Cullens' could pick me up from the airport. I had been hoping Daniel would be with them, but I'd been disappointed. Two hours later, when I finally got up the courage to ask Nessie how Daniel was doing, disappointment had turned to devastation. Daniel had taken a leave of absence from school. I had understood, then, why he had been so sad at our last meeting. He had decided it was safer for both of us if he didn't have to be around me anymore.
When questioned, Edward had told me sharply that Daniel was sacrificing a great deal to make sure I was safe and could be happy. He had immediately seemed to regret his words, but he'd only spoken the truth. Daniel would never be happy if I wasn't safe. The irony was, safe and happy were two concepts that could never coexist in my world. Daniel had become my happiness. So he had sacrificed for nothing and we would both be miserable. My mind and my heart had splintered and I sank into a dark pit of despair so like the one Daniel had pulled me from so gently only a week ago.
Occasionally Renesmee would visit me in my pit, a bright light holding back the darkness for a while, but it always returned. I walked through the rest of the semester in a haze, somehow managing to speak when spoken to and get all my schoolwork done. I hadn't accepted another invitation to the Cullen's, nor had I gone to Creative Writing again. I knew the failing grade would look bad on my transcript, but if I walked back into that classroom I would lose my mind.
"I thought you might like to go Christmas shopping with me and Mom." Nessie sounded hopeful now. I really hated to disappoint her.
"Your dad?" My question was asked warily. I hadn't seen Edward since the day I'd come back from Colorado. He had made his opinion of me quite clear. I was the human that had ruined Daniel's life. In a way, I knew that was true and I didn't need Edward reminding me of it every time I saw him. I had ruined my life too. What human in her right mind would fall in love with a vampire?
"Chris, he really does want to see you again. He misses you." Nessie's voice was pleading and it nudged at the small piece of my heart that Daniel had left with me. I didn't think I could endure an afternoon with Edward. My one defense from him was composing in my head and these days, creating music was painful.
"Please, just for lunch? Then we can ditch him and go shopping, just us girls." She was practically begging. I grimaced. I hadn't done anything specifically for Nessie in a while. I felt horrible making her sad. So I forced a smile and nodded. It was worth it just to see her eyes light up. She pulled me along towards the student lot. I saw the Guardian parked and idling and immediately began a faltering attempt at piecing together a cheerful tune in my head. I slid into the car beside Nessie and muttered a greeting to the vampires in the front seat as I fumbled with my seat belt.
"Hi, Chris." Bella gave me a warm, welcoming smile. My return smile must have been a little lackluster, because hers faltered. I ducked my head and dragged notes through my brain at a desperate pace, not caring if they made music or just mental noise. Edward hadn't even acknowledged my presence, so maybe he was ignoring me. I turned back to Nessie and divided my attention between her chatter and the discordant mess in my head as the car moved forward. It wasn't until we pulled up in the drive that I realized we were going to the Cullen's home for lunch.
Nessie pushed out of the car and bounded for the porch. Bella followed her, leaving me alone in the car with Edward, frozen with terror at the thought of walking into this house with all its memories. I looked up and met Edward's eyes in the rearview mirror. I lost track of the notes in my head and my mental wail of anguish reflected back to me from his face. I saw his eyes close, as if to shut out the incoherent grief I knew I was throwing at him. I'm sorry. Somehow I managed to insert that into my thoughts. I saw him wince and I knew I had to get out of the car before I lost it completely. I pushed the door open and scrambled after Bella and Nessie as fast as my feeble human legs would take me.
When I walked through the door, I was disoriented. The furniture layout had changed. It took me several seconds to realize why. The pink and green birthday decorations were back up and the furniture had been pushed back to leave plenty of space for dancing. I looked over at Bella, who was putting a small cake on the table. She gave me another warm smile and this time I returned it.
"Is it your birthday? I'm sorry, Nessie didn't say." If I'd known Nessie had wanted me to celebrate with her family, I would have tried even harder to be cheerful. Nessie herself danced over to me and threw her arms around my neck, hugging me close.
"No, silly! It's your birthday today. How could you forget your own birthday? You're twenty, too. Not a teenager anymore. Does it feel weird?" I stammered something that I hoped was appropriate as I tried to gather my scattered thoughts. It was my birthday?
"You're slipping, sis. You were always the one that never forgot any occasion." The sound of my brother's voice teasing me from the top of stairs caused me to cry out with joy. I pelted up the stairs and threw myself into his arms. He caught me with a laugh and sat down hard on the top step, hugging me close.
"Wow, if I'd known I was going to get this kind of greeting, I would have come sooner." Raoul patted my back and I relaxed against him. I tucked my head under his chin and breathed deeply.
"Why are you here, anyway? I'm coming home next week, silly man." Despite my words I thanked God that he was here. Especially now. My mind felt calm and my heart didn't ache so much. I couldn't compose music but I could focus my thoughts on my brother.
"It's your birthday. The big two-oh. I didn't want to miss that." He said with a chuckle. I sighed and pulled away from him, shaking my head.
"Well, I'm glad you're here." I said this quietly and he touched my nose with his finger.
"Any time, little sister. Day or night." His words held a wealth of meaning, but I couldn't examine it now. After the party, maybe I would let him drag me to whatever hotel he was staying at and cry on his shoulder. But for Nessie, I would play the happy party guest. For the next hour, I laughed, joked and smiled with my brother and the Cullen's. It felt good to leave the lights on in my pit for a while. Then it was time for presents.
I trembled when I touched the one present that I knew would break what was left of my heart. Just the fact that Daniel had left this with the Cullen's had given me a brief sense of hope, until I'd read the card.
"To my Christine. Remember me always. Love, Daniel."
"Selfish Bastard." Edward's words were muttered but obviously meant for me to hear. I flashed him a look so full of malice that he actually stepped back. I knew what he meant. He thought Daniel was selfish to give me something to keep his memory, and thus my love, fresh in my mind. The man took my heart when he left. At least now I'll have a tiny piece of him as well. Edward sighed and looked away from me then. I took some comfort in the fact that Edward seemed concerned about me.
"You're my friend, Chris. Of course I am." Edward's gentle words picked at my carefully cultivated cheer. I ignored him and opened the box in my lap. I pushed aside a wad of tissue paper and pulled out an exquisitely carved wooden sculpture that filled both of my hands. It was Daniel's family crest in three achingly beautiful dimensions. The wooden sword wrapped by a rose was such a picture of our love. The dangerous blade loved by the tender flower. I stroked edge of the sword, noticing that it pierced the leaves of the rose once. Right through my heart, I thought. How ironic that he had carved and painted a single drop of red on that leaf.
"Not Selfish. Stupid to think I would ever forget him." I said this aloud and gently replaced the carving in the box and went to close the lid. Edward's hand stopped me. He pulled a thick envelope from the box, where it had been taped to the side. I looked at it with confusion as I slipped the flap up and pulled the legal document out. I suddenly understood Edward's words and agreed with him completely, but my hope flared again along with my anger. He had deeded me his cabin in the woods.
My brother and I sat in the living room of Daniel's cabin. I couldn't call it mine. I was perfectly willing use the term 'ours' if Daniel ever came back. I was hoping this meant he was seriously considering it. He wanted me living in his house. On the surface, it seemed as if he was just trying to tell me he was never coming back. But deep in my gut, I thought that maybe it was just the act of a man in love. It was the gut feeling that made it possible for me to be here without screaming. I couldn't help breaking down though. Edward had driven us up and then had left us alone with the keys to the Asten Martin, stating that he would run home. Why hadn't Raoul looked surprised? The Cullen's house was a good thirty minute drive away.
I hadn't made it past the front porch, falling to my knees with my hand resting on the beautifully carved door. As tears streamed down my face, my brother had gently taken the keys from my hand and opened the front door. He had picked me up like a child and carried me inside, where Edward had obviously been earlier today because there was a fire going in the fireplace. It was a good thing, too, because December in New Hampshire was extremely cold.
After I cried myself out, I pulled out of Raoul's arms and smiled sadly.
"Sorry, I got you all wet." Raoul snorted softly, wiping at my tears with the sleeve of his coat.
"Like I care. But since you're already crying, I think it's time we had a little talk. All Nessie told me on the phone was that you needed me. She didn't tell me that man had broken your heart. Why didn't you tell me he left?" His voice was gentle, but I heard an undercurrent of anger.
"He's thinks I'm safer without him. Stupid, noble man." I whispered, avoiding the question. My brother's hands stroked my hair and he didn't say anything for a long moment, as if he were thinking something over.
"Maybe he's right, Christine. Maybe this is for the best. You'll get over him and find a beautiful young man to fall in love with. Someone human." My head came up and I looked at him with shock evident on my face. Raoul sighed.
"It's not impossible, Christine. People fall in and out of love all the time. You just need some time…" He trailed off when I smacked his neck with my hand, my eyes wild.
"Someone human?" I asked breathlessly, touching on the part of his speech that had caused my shock. The rest of it I could ignore as part of the obligatory brother speech. This, however, I couldn't let pass. Raoul's expression darkened.
"Yes, Christine. Someone human. Do you know what your boyfriend is, Chris? Really know exactly what he's capable of?" His words were hushed, as if he were afraid someone might be listening. I grimaced.
"Yes, Raoul, I know what he is. What the Cullen's are. I know they are my dearest friends and that I can trust them with my life. Even if Daniel doesn't trust himself." That was what made me saddest. Daniel didn't believe he could be with me. I suppose I hadn't really believed it either, until he was gone and I realized that I didn't want to be without him. If he had actually been man enough to say goodbye to me, I wouldn't have let him go and said damn the consequences.
"How can you trust them, Christine? I saw him that night, in the car. I saw the demon land on the hood of a moving car. He broke the windshield, reached in and snapped that man's neck like a toothpick with one hand. And the look on his face, Christine, before the car swerved out of control and he disappeared…" Raoul shuddered before he continued.
"I literally thought I was dead when Bella pulled me out of the car. I thought she was a real, live angel come to take me to heaven. Then I saw you laying there with your own angel, watched him touch you so gently and ask if you were alright. It took me a moment to realize that you're angel was the demon that had killed your stalker and wrecked the car."
I was frozen in Raoul's arms, realizing he had just enough information to be a danger to the Cullen's and to Daniel, wherever he was. And yet he hadn't said a word to anyone about what he had seen. Of that I was certain. I took my brother's face in my hands and looked into his eyes.
"Thank you. For not saying anything, thank you." My fervent thanks caused his eyes to widen in panic.
"So, it wasn't a dream?" His choked words made me smile humorlessly.
"What, did you think you were just insane? Seeing things?"
"I was hoping for temporary insanity, at the very least. You love these people so much, how can they be monsters? No wonder Daniel left, Christine! What happens if he loses control when he's with you and he snaps your neck with a flick of his fingers or something?" Raoul's eyes were wild and his hands flew about like they always did when he was agitated.
"They aren't monsters, Raoul. They're vampires. So trust me, Daniel's fear isn't so much that he'll break me as it is that he'll forget himself and I'll end up as a snack." My brother went very still under me and I tightened my hold on his face. "Don't freak out on me, Raoul. Please? They're good people and they don't eat humans. Just animals."
"But they'd rather have humans." Raoul's words weren't a question, they were a statement. His next words weren't so certain. "Chris, we have to…we need…who should we…" His words cut off and he winced when my fingernails dug into the skin around the edges of his face.
"Raoul, you are my brother and I love you dearly, but if you tell anyone what you know, I'll kill you myself." I was having a panic attack of my own, now. I had just betrayed a dearly held trust. The Cullen's would never forgive me. My threat was empty of course. I would never hurt my brother. But Edward might, if my brother betrayed his family. And the horrible thing was, I couldn't blame him if it happened.
It was another twenty minutes before Raoul and I were both calm enough to discuss things without one or the both of us freaking out. It was a very good thing that my brother trusted the fact that his own eerie premonitions of danger hadn't bothered him at the Cullen's today. Once we got our hysterics out of the way, I showed Raoul around the house. He was stunned by some of the intricate carvings. I finally left him to poke around in the kitchen and went upstairs. I didn't want any company when I entered Daniel's room.
I had never been on the upper floor of the cabin. The balcony ran the width of the floor and there was a broad hallway splitting it in two, leading back to a pair of glass doors that opened out onto a second floor veranda. There were two guest rooms on the right with a connecting bathroom. It was the room on the left that I was most curious about. Daniel's room. Unlike the open room downstairs, Daniel's scent lingered here. I sucked in a breath and stood very still. I could almost imagine him standing across the room from me, his golden eyes watching me intently. I could almost feel his cool breath on my cheek, his fingers trailing against my neck. But he wasn't here. Just a pale impression of his scent and the cold. There was another fireplace up here but Edward hadn't bothered to lay a fire. If I decided to live here, I would need to have central heat and air installed.
I walked forward to put my hand against the beautifully carved four poster bed. I knew that Daniel didn't sleep, but evidently his talent had led to this particular vanity. I was glad for it, because just touching the smoothly carved wood made me feel closer to him. I would have examined each post in detail if the headboard hadn't caught my attention. My heart pounded as I moved around to the head of the bed, my hand shaking as I flipped on the lamp on the bedside table so I could see more than a vague outline. I crawled onto the bed, scattering the fluffy pillows with my knees as I ran my fingers over the contours of my own face, etched into the wood.
"My god, that's you." My brother's voice echoed from the door. He stood there with two steaming mugs in his hands. Probably cocoa. I doubted there was much in Daniel's kitchen, but he'd known how much I loved hot cocoa, so he'd had some here the last time I'd come over. The day we'd shared our first and only kiss.
"Yes." It was all I could manage. He had captured me sleeping, somehow. Just the thought that at some point he'd watched me sleeping should have enraged me, or caused my blood to turn cold. Instead it comforted me. I was crying again, silent tears this time. Raoul set the mugs down and climbed onto the bed with me, wrapping me up in a hug as he examined the headboard with a critical eye. In the end, he just sighed in resignation.
"The man loves you, sis. Alright, so maybe love isn't the right word. Obsessed? I found another carving of you in the breakfast nook. Just a small one of you laughing. Not anywhere near this detailed." Raoul reached across me and handed me one of the mugs. I sipped it carefully and then leaned back against my brother. We sat there in silence for a while, just sipping cocoa and watching the sun set over the trees in the backyard through the huge picture window on the back wall. Raoul was the first to break the silence.
"Is the biggest problem that you're human?"
"It's the only problem, now, as far as I'm concerned. He's not my teacher anymore, so it's not like the school could fire him for breach of conduct or something." I found it a bit amusing that I'd ever considered that to be an issue. I suppose in a normal relationship, things like that might be important. But when your boyfriend was afraid he'd snap and eat you, it really narrowed your perspective. Of course, even the term boyfriend didn't truly apply. It was a colorless, generic word that didn't come close to describing what Daniel was to me. Soulmate, a word that might have sounded cheesy in any other situation, was the best I could come up with.
"Well, can't you become like him?" Raoul's words were pained, as if just saying them was difficult. I could only imagine what offering that solution had cost him, since he knew practically nothing about Daniel's people except that they had super human strength and had a weakness for human blood. But by offering me those words, Raoul opened up an avenue that I hadn't allowed myself to consider before for fear of losing my brother. I couldn't choose between the two men I loved more than my own life. But what if somehow, I could have them both?
"I don't know. Edward and Daniel refused to discuss the process with me. Bella once mentioned it was very painful, but that's all I know." I swirled the last few bits of cocoa around in my mug as my mind considered the possibilities. Raoul hugged me tight.
"Well, don't you dare even think about it without getting all the facts first. And if you do it without telling me first, I'll never speak to you again." His tone was teasing, but I felt the undercurrent of fear there. I leaned up and kissed his cheek.
"I promise I'll let you know before I make any life altering decisions, Ra-Ra. Besides, I'd only do it if I knew Daniel would come back. Otherwise, what's the point of giving up chocolate?" My words make him laugh, just a little. After that, we made our way back downstairs so Raoul could bank the fire and we left. Raoul finally got excited about something as he remembered that Edward had left us the Asten Martin. I chuckled and buckled myself in as my brother laughed manically and started the car.