A/N:
Hello all, there is a long and relevant note at the end of this chapter, please read it!
Monday, December 23rd
Dave held the cursor hovering over the small gray "submit" button as he watched the time click down on the lower left corner of his computer screen. When the numbers switched from 2:59:59 to 3:00:00pm, he swiftly clicked the mouse and watched the webpage reload with different information. His newly posted grade report appeared with his name and personal information at the top. Swiftly, he scrolled through the pages of symbols and paragraphs he didn't care about before coming to a short list of completed courses and the few simple letters that accompanied them.
"Dad!" He shouted enthusiastically over his shoulder. His laptop was perched on the island in the kitchen and he stood leaning his arms against the cool granite counter top.
"Dad!" He called again.
"He ran out for some milk," the voice of his mother replied softly as she padded awkwardly into the room from the den. Her thick socks had muffled her footsteps as she crossed the house and Dave jumped a bit at her close proximity.
"Oh. Ok," he answered.
Mrs. Karofsky went to the cabinet and pulled a glass down, then began to fill it with water from the tap. Dave knew it was just something to do to fill the space, because when his mother was actually thirsty she always used filtered water from the pitcher in the fridge.
"Is there something you needed from him?"
"Um, no," Dave told her. He didn't have much desire to actually converse with the woman. He'd managed to avoid being alone together like this so far during the twenty days that they'd been under the same roof.
"It sounded like you needed something," she pressed, argumentatively.
"No, actually, I don't," he said, already losing patience. "I just wanted to show him something."
"You could show your mother, David," she said, sounding irritated with him as she thrust her hip to one side and set the full glass down with a sloshing clack!
"Yeah, well, let me know when she's around," he answered bitterly. He slammed the screen of his laptop closed, gritting his teeth when he realized that was probably a bad idea, but he tucked the thing under his arm and stalked out of the kitchen, intending to hide out in his room until his father came home.
"You're only hurting yourself, David Elijah! You're disobeying your own mother and you're disobeying God!"
Dave seethed and spun around.
"God?" He asked furiously. "What does God have to say about mothers who walk out on their kids when they're in a hospital? Probably not a whole lot of praise for them, don't you agree? But you know what? There's something called forgiveness," he said emphatically. "And if there's anything I learned after years of Sunday school and bible study and 'live up to your name, David Elijah's,' then it's that the God I believe in loves me, and forgives me for the shit I do. And if you're going to be pissed at me because I'm gay, then be pissed at Him, because he made me this way."
The front door suddenly opened and Paul called out a jovial "It's me!" as he entered the house. He kicked snow from the bottom of his shoes onto the entry mat and seemed to realize that he had entered an environment as chilly as the one outdoors. Coming into the middle of the standoff between his wife and son he demanded "What happened now?"
Dave grit his teeth. "Nothing, Dad. Just thinking I might head out to Caleb's a little earlier than planned," But he felt his stomach twist as his father's face fell.
"David, it's Christmas Eve tomorrow. Please."
Hot guilt ate away at Dave and he felt his eyes burn hearing Paul's voice break.
"We'll see," he said stiffly, and he hitched the laptop again against his side, adjusting his grip.
"I'll be upstairs." He turned and was halfway up the flight when he remembered. "Hey," he called back down. "By the way, I made a 3.87 GPA for my first semester of college ever. Only got a B in one class and I was kind of expecting it because I totally bombed a major essay for that professor."
"Proud of you, Son," Paul's voice floated back up the stairs. "Keep it up!"
Dave nodded to himself and trudged the rest of the way to his bedroom, where he placed his computer gently on the desk and tossed himself onto his bed. He closed his eyes, wondering if he really should call Caleb when the sound of raised voices drifted to his ears through the heating vents in the hardwood floor.
"...right does he have to lecture me about God in my own damn house!?"
"You left! He's been here, and now that you're back this is his territory and you can't expect him to not be defensive!"
"Territory? So now he's an animal! What have you been putting into his head, Paul?"
"You are being entirely too sensitive right now."
"This is not about being sensitive! This is about your son having the gall to tell me that I'm a bad Christian! Talk about honoring thy mother!"
"It was your decision to raise him Christian, MaryAnn. I daresay whatever he learned is probably something you instilled in him early on."
"My son wasn't a sick menace to society!"
"You know he attends Sunday service even while he's at school? When was the last time you went to mass, MaryAnn?"
"So now you think I'm a sinner?" She scoffed as though the very thought were ridiculous.
Dave strained his ears to hear his father's reply.
"I'm thinking that if the only reason you're neglecting and emotionally abusing the bright, loving son that we raised together is out of some misguided understanding you've gleaned from a book or a Sunday school lecture... Well maybe it's just not truly as important to you as what you're missing out on."
"And tell me, Paul, just what am I missing out on?"
"Our son!" Paul roared angrily and Dave crammed headphones over his ears to drown out the shouting match as it peaked and tempers rose. He felt tears in his throat and on his cheeks as his father tried desperately to defend him. Finally he grabbed his phone from his pocket and sent a text, not to Caleb but to Azimio.
To Azimio Adams: I need u 2 come ring my doorbell nd come up with a good reason why you need me 4 something.
To Dave: y
To Azimio: u'll hear them shouting b4 u make it up the driveway.
To Dave: Dats right I just remembered I need u 2 help me buy a present 4 my cousin who likes hockey. B there in 3 mins.
To Azimio: thanks bro
To Dave: np. got u man
Dave sat up and scrubbed at his face, hoping it wouldn't look like he'd been crying. He yanked the buds from his ears, noting that the argument downstairs had shifted irrationally to involve a disagreement that was once had between the couple while on a camping trip when David was twelve. He grabbed his wallet, crammed it in his back pocket and waited impatiently for Zim to come through. Sure enough a moment later the doorbell rang and tension became thick in the house as Mrs. Karofsky put on her hostess voice and opened the door, greeting Azimio warmly as if she hadn't just been screaming herself hoarse at her husband.
"Hi Mrs. K, I was wondering if Dave was home. I need to do some last minute shopping and since he knows hockey best I figured he'd help me out."
"One moment, Honey."
And for a split second Dave flash backed to the countless times before his coming out that his mother had placed one foot on the bottom step and called out to him that one of his friends was at the door. The well practiced routine showed itself now as "David, honey, Azimio is here!" floated up to him.
Dave refused point-blank to play happy family. Rather than his tried and true "Coming, Mom!" He remained silent and thumped steadily down the steps. He did not make eye contact with his mother, nor acknowledge her presence at all as he whipped his coat from the peg near the door and headed out into the snow with Azimio at his side. He slammed the door, only feeling bad because he knew his father was alone inside with the problem he had caused.
"You ok, DK?" Azimio asked quietly.
"Yeah, Zim," Dave answered.
"Anything you want to do?"
"Not in particular."
Azimio sighed. They both got into his truck and drove the few blocks to the Adams' house.
"Look, man, no one's home at my place. How about you go ahead and call your boy and have yourself a good fucking cry, because I know you want to, and when you're done text me and I'll be back. We'll play some black ops or whatever."
Dave shuddered a breath. "Yeah, ok. Where are you going to go?"
"I really do need a fuckin' present for my cousin, man! I just don't need you helpin' me to get it." He wrestled a house key from the lanyard hanging from the ignition.
"Seriously man, go ahead."
Dave almost broke down then and there, beyond grateful for the steadfast friendship that he and Azimio had managed to retain. He nodded and jumped out of the truck so that he could let himself into the small but empty house for an hour or so of sanctuary.
When the sound of Azimio's truck rumbling over the icy road disappeared, Dave lowered himself into a large armchair and covered his face with his hands. He scrubbed at his face with the blunt ends of his fingers, waiting for tears to come, but none did. He felt miserable, but apparently not miserable enough to cry. He looked around him at the Adams' home, feeling very awkward and out of place. He couldn't go home with his mother there to antagonize him, and he couldn't feel comfortable alone in Zim's house. He fished the phone from his pocket and with practiced ease scrolled through the contacts to Caleb's name. It rang twice before the beautiful boy answered, laughter in his voice and noisy background chatter.
"Merry Christmas, Dave!"
"Hey, you too."
"What's wrong?"
Dave bit the inside of his lip. "Nothing," he answered.
"That's bull," Caleb muttered. "Hang on a sec."
There was a muffled noise as Caleb apparently covered the mouthpiece with his hand. Dave heard the echo of footsteps and the slam of a door before Caleb was back on the line.
"Sorry, lots of people here. I'm in my own room now. Come on, what happened?"
Dave shuddered. "My mom hates me," he said, feeling his heart break as the reality struck him for once.
Caleb breathed out heavily on the other end of the call. "Oh, man..."
"I'm okay with it, seriously," Dave said desperately. "I mean we weren't always all that close but I wish she would just like me even if she doesn't like gay people but why can't she just see that I'm normal?!" He brushed a hand irritably though his hair. "I'm sorry. I don't want to dump this on you when you're having a good time."
"No, Dave!" Caleb said anxiously. "I want you to call me. Seriously. I want to be able to talk to you and listen when you need me to. Are you okay though? Do you need me to come there?"
Dave smiled slightly. "More that anything," he admitted. "But I think it would make things worse if you showed up here."
"Throwing your boyfriend into the mix doesn't really help a homophobic situation, huh?" Caleb asked sardonically.
The comment sent a thrill through David and he clenched his fingers into the fabric of his jeans at his thigh. "Yeah, my boyfriend," he answered, not quite able to believe it. He could practically hear Caleb smiling that impish smile from across the state.
"Well, are you still going to make it here? I told my little sister I have a friend coming and now she's psyched. Are you ready to be a six year old's best friend?"
Dave laughed. "Yeah, I'm coming. I'm going to try and stick it out here tonight and tomorrow for my dad and all, but as soon as I can I'll head your way. Is your little sister like the makeovers and ballet kind of sister or like the sit on your feet and hang on tight kind of sister?"
Caleb hmm'ed. "Kind of neither. She might ask you to braid her hair but you can just tell her no and she'll go away. Hey there's a rink not too far from my house. Maybe we could take her skating?"
"That'd be awesome. What's her name again? I don't want to mess it up."
"Annie. And my dad's Jack and mom's Cathy. You can call them Mr. and Mrs. if you want but they'll tell you first names are fine."
"Sounds good."
The conversation went quiet for a minute before Dave admitted softly, "I miss you."
Caleb sighed lightly. "You too. Hang in there, I'll see you soon. Try to have a good Christmas."
"I will, thanks. See you."
"Bye."
"Bye."
Dave looked down at his phone as the rising numbers stopped and then the screen went dark, indicating that Caleb had hung up. He clicked the screen off and tossed it on the table nearby, suddenly feeling very tired. He wondered if Azimio would mind coming home to find Dave asleep in his bed. Deciding against it, he moved from the armchair to the couch and tugged an afghan blanket from across the back of it. He settled down against the soft fabric of the couch and tucked his arm up underneath his head for a pillow. Figuring he'd go back home whenever Zim returned, he allowed himself to fall asleep.
Hello, world. Thank you to those of you who are still reading and sticking with me.
It breaks my heart to inform you that my mom passed away in the wee morning hours of Saturday, September 7th. I was home and awake with my sisters when we received the call. We were expecting it.
As you might assume, my story was put on hold as soon as mom started declining. The last month or so has been very hard and I was not up to writing. Further, this chapter in which Dave argues heatedly with his mom was heartbreaking to write. I hope that each of you has a chance to have a healthy relationship with your mom and/or family. If you're not making time to spend with them, change it up. Seize every moment that you have, because they become the memories that you cling to when there aren't any more chances. Attend family functions. Don't blow off birthdays or anniversaries or mothers days or fathers days to be with your friends. They have all the other days. Give your family the ones that count. Reach out to mend broken bridges. If they won't come to you, then you should try to take that first step. Maybe it won't go anywhere- or maybe you'll renew a relationship that both of you have been wanting.
With the funeral and all that behind me, I now have quite a lot of free time. I am on a leave of absence from school for the semester and I'll need something to occupy my time. That doesn't necessarily mean that this story will suddenly take off. I might come and go from it. I do want to get it finished though, so please bear with me.
Peace and love,
darkestAngel13