You will never know love unless you surrender to it.- Fools Rush In
I stared at the e-mail for five minutes, closed my eyes and drew in a deep cleansing breath through my nostrils. Then I embraced my inner teenager, slammed the lid of the laptop shut, flew down the hallway and tried to open the front door. A large hand came shooting past my ear and banged the door back into it's latch.
"What's going on Elena?" Damon asked dangerously, pressed against my back from hip to chest.
Rattling the doorknob a few times I realized he wasn't going to budge and spun around, staring straight into his eyes. "I know you sent my manuscript to a publisher." I divulged, trying to keep my voice flat and emotionless. Smirk slipping off his face, I watched as the ramifications hit him. "I'm going home."
"The hell you are. We're going to talk about this."
Shrugging, I waited until he believed I was caving. His grip loosened and I ducked under his outstretched arm, making it to the downstairs bathroom just in time to slam and lock the door in his face.
His palm pounding repeatedly on the door, he ground out impatiently "Open the fucking door Elena."
"I'm too pissed off to discuss this with you right now." I pulled out a towel, placed it on the floor and dropped down on top of it. What I needed for him to do was let me go home or have five seconds peace so I could process and not overreact. When Damon and I fought it was like a match to gasoline, and it would be nice to avoid that.
I heard him slide down the other side of the door and sit down. Obviously, he wanted to hash this out, now. "Fine, i'll sit here and list all the presidents of the United States until you realize it'd be easier to just talk to me." He informed, the satisfaction heavy in his tone. "George Washington..."
Positive I could hold out longer than him, I made a distraction out of writing on the mirror Damon S is an ass with his $50 Molton Brown hand soap. If he was going to be infantile, then so was I. However, when he droned past Roosevelt, I concluded that perhaps talking to him would be the better alternative if I didn't want to fall into a boredom induced coma. Yanking the door open, I stared with poorly disguised amusement as Damon fell backwards onto the tile floor.
"Nice" He rubbed his head and glared at me upside down as I leant over him. Lithely jumping to his feet, his eyes apprehended the writing on the mirror. "Wow, I really like what you've done with the place. Very avant garde, Blondie's career must be rubbing off on you."
Biting the inside of my cheek, I tried not to smile. This was another reason I was reluctant to face him right now, he just had a talent for making me laugh and making me forget that I was mad at him in the first place. "You wanted to talk, so let's talk." I ordered, my arms crossed in front of my chest.
'Here?" He looked around exasperated at our location before sighing and perching on the end of the tub. "So exactly how much trouble is this stunt going to land me in?"
Irritation made all the fine hairs on the back of my neck stand up. He wasn't taking the gravity of abusing my trust sincerely. "What were you thinking Damon? You went behind my back, you didn't even talk about it with me first. I thought we trusted each other."
At my last remark his eyes fell to his hands and I knew I had gotten through to him. "Because I'm a huge screw up and thought I was doing you a favor. I didn't think about the consequences, but I didn't do it to hurt you."
"Oh Damon." I breathed, half annoyed, half touched. My anger pretty much diminished, I joined him on the edge of the bath letting our shoulders touch. "I get that you thought you were helping me, I do. But you don't need to save me every step of the way. I need to save myself sometimes."
He sensed he was forgiven and put an arm around my shoulders, drawing me against his side. "Look, I'll tell the publisher we're not interested. Don't think for a second that I didn't believe you could write the next great American novel on your own merit, because I read it and it's pretty spectacular, but it felt weird knowing I could help and not doing it."
I smiled against his neck "Thank you for supporting me in your own fucked up way, but no more secrets okay?"
After he nodded, silently agreeing to my request, the last few doubts that I had been carrying around for a while rose to the surface. As we were already in the middle of a pseudo heart-to-heart, I knew this would be the appropriate time to broach them. I inhaled in a deep breath, braced myself and asked quietly "Why do you love me?". To fully come to terms with his feelings and move on to reciprocating them, I needed to be certain it wasn't a control thing on his part (this distrust particularly acute due to the way he always needed to guide and aid aspects of my life), or even the thrill of the chase. I was nothing special, a dime a dozen, and it still dumbfounded me that it was I he chose to fall for.
"Christ Elena" He groaned, combing his hands through his jet black hair. "You know epic speeches aren't my thing." But he tried anyways. For me. After a beat of silence he started to mess with the tap, turning the hot water on and off. "It was a Thursday when I knew for sure."
"A Thursday?" I watched puzzled as he darted out of the bathroom. Before I could get out that he doesn't need to runaway from me, he returned with an empty glass bottle of whiskey in his hand and dumped it down next to him. "Uh, that's pretty?"
He shot an icy look my way and I shut my mouth, letting him get his thoughts out. "I had just gotten off the phone with a jerk of a client and was in the foulest mood, you know the kind of one where everyone in the vicinity knows not to come near me." Pausing to shake his head and faintly chuckle, he continued "And you came flouncing through the door, a come-back on the tip of your tongue for every insult I lobbed your way, and then you tucked your hair behind your ear, pulled out a bottle of Jack and told me to man up because we were going to order pizza and get drunk. And I knew, known it every day since."
"You knew you loved me because I provided you with alcohol and encouraged bad habits?" I teased, bumping his shoulder with mine.
"No, I fell in love with you because you treated me like a person, and you actually cared about me. Not my money or my status or the job, but me. I'm so surrounded by bullshit all the time Elena, and you're this little island in the middle of it all that keeps me afloat. I could be corny as hell and tell you how beautiful you are, how you make me feel alive, or how sometimes I piss you off on purpose because you're stunningly enthralling when you have a temper, but I can't pinpoint it down to a few things. I just love you, all of you."
I suddenly realized I had become light headed when I had forgotten to breathe in the midst of his words. Never had I heard such sentiment in his voice, never. And for that to be directed toward you was something powerful. I wasn't even unpleasantly overwhelmed, he wasn't saying it expecting something in return, he was saying like it was just a fact that he would always accept. Before he got the wrong idea and thought he had said too much, too fast, I spoke up "I remember that day, you were dealing with the McDod account and I was sick of seeing you chewing out everyone's asses." I smiled, recalling that the night actually ended up with him drunkenly teaching me in his office how to ballroom dance, putting the cotillion lessons his father had made him take in high school to good use. "But that was years ago." I realized abruptly. Had it really been that long for him?
"Yeah, around 9 months after you started working for me." He acknowledged. "After Katherine, I never wanted to feel like that about anyone ever again, but you somehow worked through all my defenses and she ended up just a footnote on the way I feel about one Elena Gilbert. For years I tried to fight it, I would rather have had you as friend then nothing at all and I didn't want to mess up our working relationship either. Obviously, that didn't go to plan." He picked the glass bottle up again and contemplated it "And this. This I kept to remind me of what you made me feel that day, that after I thought everything was demolished, there was something better waiting."
"You may be on to something there Salvatore." He quirked an eyebrow at me and I clarified "Sometimes things don't work out the way we expect, doesn't mean they're not meant to be." A blinding smile spread across his face and I grasped that it was because for the first time I had that acknowledged directly we were doing something right here, and maybe it was always supposed to turn out like this and wasn't just some flash in the pan.
The next few days went smooth as they ever had, which in itself should have been worrying because there was always bumps in our road, but we carried on blissfully ignorant. I suppose it all started to go down hill when I stepped into Damon's office mid-afternoon to find him in the middle of a meeting with a client. A very blonde, very big breasted client who was practically salivating like a dog over my boss.
"Hello Elena" Damon greeted, shooting a quick glance my way. He turned to introduce me "Sadie, this is my..."
I don't know what possessed me to do it, it could have been her painted cherry lips pursing in my direction or the way her nose crinkled like she smelled something bad, but I interrupted with "His girlfriend. Great to meet you". Offering my hand to Sadie, I almost missed Bonnie in the corner suck in a breath and embark on a intense coughing fit. Damon's eyes flew wide open but he only nodded and smiled like nothing was out of the ordinary as I settled down into my seat and presented him with the files he had requested.
A tense hour later, I watched as Damon ushered a smiling Sadie out and was already regretting my behavior. He returned silently, and I felt like I was ten years old again, waiting for a scolding from my parents.
"Damon, if what Elena said is true then I need to know so we can make a public announcement and spin it the way we want before it gets out of our hands." Bonnie rose, managing to sound stern and submissive concurrently. I caught the glimpse of hurt in her eyes and felt even worse that she thought we had been purposely keeping it from her.
"Yeah, well I guess Elena just felt the need to purge" Damon smirked, a hint of steel undercutting any mirth. "Go ahead and prepare the statement, we're dating." Bonnie's lips tightened, and she exited with only a cold goodbye left behind her.
I regarded Damon as he moved around the drinks cabinet in a routine so familiar, I knew where his hands would land before he did. Abandoning the crystal tumbler in favor of swigging straight from the bottle, he raised his eyebrows "I seem to recall it was you who wanted to keep this our dirty little secret Elena. Remember? I can't be a bad, bad boy and get near you while we're working, wasn't that your order? Be professional?"
"You didn't seem to worry about being professional when you had your hands shoved up my bra the other day" I spat out, suddenly forgetting my remorse. "My ass you would take orders from me that you didn't want to, stop acting like I'm calling all the shots.
"Aren't you?"
Rolling my eyes, I chose to ignore the question. "I'm sorry" I sympathized sarcastically. "Did I ruin your plans to seduce her?"
He banged down the bottle with such force, I jumped out of my seat. Walking over, eyes flashing, he assumed his favorite stance of locking me in with his arms either side "When are you going to get over my history with other woman. What am I going to have to do to prove to you that none of them are even a blip on my radar."
After seeing him sleep with what seemed like every woman in the great state of New York for five years, I was finding it hard to get my head around the change. Still, it wasn't fair for me to throw his past in his face when he hadn't given me any reason to. "I'm sorry" I repeated, this time genuinely. "It was a childish move, I shouldn't have done it."
"I'm not pissed at you because you said it, it's not even because it was in front of a client." He sighed tiredly and lowered himself into the chair facing mine "I'm pissed you said it because you were jealous and you wanted to get one up on her. I had hoped then when you felt ready to call yourself my girlfriend it would be because that's what you wanted, no ulterior motives."
Fuck, I could not help putting every step wrong with this man. It didn't even enter my mind he would take it that way. Even when I wasn't trying, I found a way to hurt him "For the record, you're not my dirty little secret. And while yes, what I said was compelled by jealousy and I should have discussed it with you first, it is what I want." I faltered, unsure "Is that what you want?."
He shocked me by reaching over and pulling me tightly onto his lap, his eyebrows knitted "Tell me what you are one more time."
"Your girlfriend" I smiled, and used my pointer finger to smooth out the furrow in his temple. Catching me unawares, his lips devoured mine with such fervor and franticness that I understood Damon was in some ways still a very broken man and he needed reassurances much more than me. I did the only thing I could think of "Let's leave work early and go back to mine."
Eyes widening when the full implications of my proposal hit, he nodded and we made our way home barely speaking more than five words to each other. I swung open the door and dropped my car keys on the side table, switching on all the lamps as I moved around. "Coming?" I motioned with my head, and led him towards the bedroom. I was adamant this needed to happened here, in my bed, untainted by his previous flings. Damon usually oozed sex in every aspect of the word, even when he was preforming the most mundane of tasks, so I was surprised when I realized he was looking uneasy sat on my floral comforter. "What is it?" I asked, taking a pause to sink down next to him. I had expected crude innuendos and a burning heat.
"Are you sure this is what you want?". He chuckled, shaking his head and looked down "God I sound like a teenager about to do it for the first time. This is probably the only thing I'm good at, I don't know why I'm freaking out on you."
"I wouldn't have asked if I wasn't ready" I assured, taking the pins out of my hair and letting it flow down my back. "And maybe you're freaking out because this time it actually means something to you." Taking the initiative, I straddled his lap and unbuttoned his shirt, my fingers fumbling the fastenings a little and his fingers dancing around my shoulders and through my hair. As I pushed his shirt off and felt the desire pool low in my belly, I let myself take in every inch of his exposed skin with a devotedness I had never been allowed before. As I bent my arm to pull the zip down on my dress, Damon jerked like he was coming out of a daze and stopped my hand. "Let me?" He pleaded, like a small boy asking for a treat.
He stripped and shredded each item of my clothing with rare tenderness, drawing out the process and watched almost frozen as I retuned the favor. And for the first time ever, I was in a place I never thought I would be, in bed with Damon Salvatore, with nothing between us or to hide behind. Suspending himself over me, he drunk every inch in, imperfections and all, then he claimed me in the only way he knew how to. The few times I had pictured this it had been wanton and rough, but the reality was quite the opposite, he was devout and if I had ever doubted his love before there was no way I could deny it now, not after this. The underlying hunger and awkwardness of a first coupling was still there, but beyond that was something extra that i'd never had, ever, and we chased it to our release, my name on his breath.
I kissed him once, twice and a third time before collapsing next to him, our perspiration tangled and my heart beat pounding in my ears. We lay in silence for a while, trying to absorb everything, imprint everything.
"Hey, I wondered where that had gone" Damon spoke abruptly, pointing to an old sweater hanging on the foot of my bed with his collage alma mater printed on in with cracked, flaking vinyl. I had 'borrowed' it one night, liking the smell and the way it fit. "It's been missing for years" He observed suspiciously.
"It's comfortable and warm, sue me" I grumbled, giggling as he tickled his fingers up the sides of my torso and placed open mouthed kisses on my neck. The Damon I knew was back, and although I wouldn't exchange the intensity I had just seen him exhibit for the world, we needed some levity to be able to handle and recognize the experience we just had together.
I woke up in the middle of the night, his arm thrown across my stomach and my leg wedged between his and knew there was one last thing I had to make sure he understood. While I couldn't breach the final frontier and say those three little words to him yet, there was something I could tell him and believed without a shadow of doubt. "Damon" I whispered into the shell of his ear, lightly shaking his arm. "Wake up."
He moaned and ran a hand over his face and through his hair 'Wha..what's the matter?"
"I just needed you to know I can't imagine my life without you in it, wouldn't want to."
His face displayed a quick expression of shock, then he pulled me to him and loved me in every way i'd ever expected, letting everything go this time. After, we both fell into deep sleep and were only woken up the next morning by the phone cutting into our consciousness. The sheets pulled over my head, I blindly pushed my hand out, groping until I grabbed the offending object and put it to my ear. "Hello?"
"Elena honey, you sound very groggy. Don't tell me you only just woke up, it's midday."
Just what I needed, my mother scolding me "Mom, it's Saturday and I had a late night."
"Oh, were you working with Mr. Salvatore?"
I grinned as I felt Damon stir and pull the sheet from my shoulders, kissing the slope along my back "Yeah, you could say that." I tried halfheartedly to slap him away behind me "So how are you doing mom? How's dad?"
"Hi Miranda" Damon smirked, whispering towards the handset, causing me to have to slap a hand over his mouth and shoot him a look. My mother would probably find out soon enough, but it was probably best for her to not discover us over the phone by hearing me being molested by Mr. Salvatore.
Fortunately, she didn't hear anything "Oh we're perfect darling, but well, we did want to find a way to thank Mr. Salvatore for what he did. I know he said not to say anything, but I figure he's just being modest."
I turned around fully to look at Damon, a half smile playing on my lips, wondering what insane thing he had gotten up to now. "Why, what did he do that we have to thank him for?".
"Shit, give me the fucking phone Elena" The expression that crossed Damon's face was pure raw fear and he shot his hand out grabbing for it.
Baffled, I ducked out of the way and stood up, wrapping the sheet around me but still locking my eyesight with his. "Why mom?" I repeated, tenser this time. "What did Damon do?"
"Everything he did for your Uncle John sweetie, he called and helped arrange the rehab, insisted on paying for it. Paid off all the debts owed too. And well, he didn't say anything to us, but I think he had someone put the fear of God into John, we saw him before he went into the clinic and he looked for want of a better phrase, roughed up. Can't really say I blame Damon after what my brother in law did to you..."
She continued speaking but I had already hung up and dropped the phone clattering to the floor, the dial tone buzzing around the room. "You bastard" I breathed. "You promised me. YOU PROMISED."
My anger seemed to enrage his "You think I was really going to let him get away with what he did? That I was going to let that parasite hang over your family? You know me better than that."
All at once I felt very naked, very exposed and very deceived. "What can I say to get it through to you that I'm not yours to fucking control Damon, I'm not some damsel in distress where you can manipulate every part of my life." I looked at him, the fury I was feeling the most intense I had ever felt "Not only did you promise me you wouldn't interfere in the first place, you swore to me the other day that there wasn't going to be any more secrets."
"This all went down way before everything with the publisher."
"That's even worse, you've been lying about it. You had so many opportunities to tell me and then you let me do that with you" I waved my hand over to the bed, feeling sick to my stomach. "Is that what you want me to be? Your prostitute? You throw some cash around and I'm forever in your debt, is that what gets you off?"
He stood, his stature more imposing then I'd witnessed before. For a second I got caught up in his eyes. Since the day I had met him I'd learnt every emotion he carried, tried to hide, was mirrored clear as day in those blue depths, you just had to know what to look for. All I could see reflected back at me now was fractured pain. "Screw. You. Elena." He seethed. "You know damn well that's not what it's about. You're using this as an excuse to push me away because last night got too real for you, too fast."
I stared at him, mouth agape "Are you delusional? You just blew my trust to smithereens, and you still can't see what the problem is. If this was an isolated event maybe we could move past it, but you keep pulling this shit and you'll continue to do it."
"What exactly are you trying to say?" He stilled, waiting for my response.
I was unequipped to deal with this, so naive and overwhelmed. I couldn't think, and the four walls seemed to be closing in on me. "I don't know Damon." I shouted, balling my fists. "We need to take a step back and get some space, it's only been me and you in one way or another for a long, long time. I don't remember who I was before you, or even know who I'd be without you." My words that I had spoken to him in the midst of the night, suddenly took on a new, unpleasant slant.
Damon laughed one long humorless bark that chilled me to my core "This whole relationship facade was just wishful thinking on my part, I should have let you go a long time ago." He shuffled to the side of my bed and violently pulled on his pants "I'll tell you what, because it always seems like you're so desperate to get out of my clutches, i'll make a deal with you. You ask me to leave right now, and I'll walk out the door and we'll be done. But I mean we'll really be done, you'd be free. No more having to work for me, no more having to sympathy fuck me."
The phone still laying on the floor started to ring again, no doubt my mother calling back to see why I'd cut her off. We both stared at it, ignored it, then stared at each other. He lifted one eyebrow, anticipating my answer. "What's it going to be?"
"Please leave Damon" I asked, scarcely believing the words coming out of my mouth. Surprised to find out I was choking back sobs, I just couldn't find enough silence in my mind to figure out how we could work around this. Before I knew what was happening he brushed past me, slamming out of my door and my life, leaving my hand grasping at thin air.
I tried to think back to when it all went wrong. Was it when I kissed him out of the blue that one crucial night? Was it when I slept with him trying to get him to believe I cared? Was it when we first met, no idea we would turn out this way? Every moment I shared with him blurred into one colorful mess and my heart just wouldn't. stop. hurting.