Chapter 10-
"Demelza! Let me in! We need to talk about this!"
She stood on the other side of the door, not sure what to do. Glancing at the window a fleeting thought of jumping to escape came to mind but that would be a coward's way out and still leave the issue unsettled. Looking briefly in the mirror, Demelza tried to pull herself together then moved to let him in. The door swung open as she stepped back, taking a position by that window just in case escape was necessary. She needed to keep her distance if she was going to make any sense of this conversation.
Ross saw her apprehension and the anger he walked in with dissipated to concern.
"Demelza? Are you alright? Did I hurt you?"
He made no move towards her, despite his instincts to take her in his arms and hold her; much as he had done every other time a traumatic event occurred in their lives but was this trauma or something else? As he waited for her response he braced his hands on his hips watching her for any sign of pain or discomfort. Their joining a short time ago was not gentle or tender. It was raw and volatile; just as they both knew it was going to be. Their first coupling after so long was never going to be that of newly found lovers but more a reaffirmation of the connection they had created over many years.
Demelza watched him as well and saw that the anger she expected from him was not there. His voice was gentle and his face showed concern where she was sure it would be full of fury towards her behavior. And not just her running away. Their rekindling of a sexual relationship, if that's what it could be called, was nothing short of explosive. She walked around the room, her hands grasping at her skirt because she wasn't sure what to do with them. Ross watched her for a few minutes hoping that she would settle down. Finally, she took a seat on the side of the bed furthest from him, her head bowed. He had no idea what was going through her mind so he would have to question her as to what she was feeling.
"Demelza, what just happened was…"
"A mistake," she said quickly.
He was not expecting that answer but considering how Demelza has been since her return, he should have learned not to expect anything like he had in the past. Ross walked around to where she sat and settled on the bed next to her. He would have taken her hand but she had them clasped tightly in her lap, essentially closing herself off from him. This was not the post-coital encounter he thought he'd face, most especially with his wife.
"Why do you think it was a mistake, Demelza?"
"Don't you?" she asked, finally turning to look at him.
"No," he answered.
Demelza tilted her head and stared him down, knowing that he had more to add to that. Ross met her challenge and elaborated because he knew he shouldn't begin this new chapter of their relationship with secrets.
"It wasn't a mistake, Demelza. It was just different," he said.
His tone was solemn which Demelza picked up immediately.
"Different?"
Demelza was confused and Ross knew this was not coming out the way he intended. Taking a breath he went on.
"You were never like that before. When we made love it wasn't like that."
"What does that mean Ross?"
Now she was getting impatient.
"It wasn't like you. Not like my Demelza," he said.
Demelza was beginning to understand now and didn't particularly like what she was feeling. If she was interpreting Ross correctly, he found her aggressiveness off-putting, even distasteful for the wife of a country squire. She rose from the bed and walked back to the open window, keeping her back to him.
"I see. So I displeased you in some way. Perhaps I've changed too much, Ross," she said turning to face him. "And if what happened between us was so unpleasant, despite the fact that we clearly needed to release the physical tension that has been building between us, then what will we do if I never remember who I was or what I was like before the accident? So you see, our encounter was a mistake because it shouldn't have happened until I was completely healed."
The emotions of the day were catching up to her as she started to cry. Ross did not want this discussion taking this turn. He went to her and took her in his arms.
"Demelza, I don't know what we are to do going forward if your memory doesn't return. What I do know is that my feelings for you, those that come with living and knowing you for so long, have not changed. I love you. You must believe that" he said, his words emphasized to make his point.
Looking up at him, Demelza saw the same passion in Ross's eyes that was present in the mine as they made love. She let him hold her but did not return the embrace as her mind was still dissecting his words. Her head was telling her that she truly didn't belong here anymore but her heart was another matter. Her heart told her that Jeremy was her son and that he needed her. And she needed him. It also told her that the feelings which were growing for Ross, her husband, could not be ignored as they were strong and taking solid root in her soul. So what was she to do?
"I do believe you, Ross. For the most part. But I know that there is a piece of you that is keeping itself from me. The person that is here now. It may not be because I am different than before but because of your feelings for someone else."
There she said it. She put the issue out into the open and waited for his response. Ross pulled back from Demelza to search her face for clarification. He was at a loss. The woman in front of him is someone he wants and loves, despite it being different from what he felt for the Demelza he lost. The essence and soul of his wife were standing in front of him, yet she was another person. His dilemma was trying to determine if that was something bad. His other perplexity came from Demelza stating he had feelings for someone else. He had no clue what she was referring to so he decided to deal with that first.
"Demelza? What did you mean when you said I had feelings for someone else? We are discussing our lives and marriage. Who are you talking about?"
She walked to the small vanity and searched for a handkerchief to wipe her eyes. Opening drawers she couldn't find any until Ross pulled one out from the night table next to the bed.
"Here," he said as he dabbed her cheeks, absorbing the moisture the fell from her eyes. Ross saw those blue orbs he loved so much, clouded with uncertainty and fear.
"Demelza, please explain what you meant about my having feelings for another," he said gently as he handed her the handkerchief.
It was clear that something other than what happened in the mine was bothering her.
"Elizabeth," she said simply.
Ross's eyes widened at the mention of his cousin in law's name because he had no idea what Demelza was getting at.
"Elizabeth? I don't understand Demelza. What has she to do with anything concerning your condition or our life?" he asked.
Demelza moved around him to return to the window, desperately needing air, the room suddenly feeling close and stifling. She leaned against the sill, letting the breeze hit her back as she went on.
"Ross, I saw how she was with you at dinner that night. And how you were with her. Clearly, there is a connection between you that, for some reason, keeps a part of you separate from me. I can't explain it, but there is something about Elizabeth that makes me uncomfortable," she said.
"Demelza the only connection now between Elizabeth and myself is that she is married to my cousin and is an old friend," Ross replied.
His voice relayed surety about this fact but his face told another story. Demelza felt the barrier between them on this topic and so was hesitant to say more. Still, she wanted to tell Ross that she remembered Elizabeth being around at the time of her accident. Truthfully she didn't care what he thought of her at this point. He as much as stated that the person who just shared her body with him, was not particularly someone he liked; so what would it matter if she told him she didn't like his 'friend'. He couldn't be more disappointed in her than he was already.
"That might be, but I believe Elizabeth thinks it's something more. Besides that, when I was speaking with her, she seemed to hint that she knew more about my accident."
There, she said it. Now to wait for the fallout. Or his confirmation that she was right.
"What do you mean? How could Elizabeth know anything about your accident? She wasn't there. Demelza, you're making no sense and frankly, I don't see how any discussion of Elizabeth can help us settle the situation between us."
For Ross, this conversation was becoming tiresome as it was getting them nowhere. He had come to talk to Demelza about how they handled themselves now that their physical relationship had resumed. But had it truly? One bout of lovemaking didn't necessarily mean that they were fully back to being husband and wife. It only meant that the attraction between them was still there, albeit different than before. Demelza still had no memory of the rest of their married life no matter much she had become a mother to Jeremy. Ross knew that the time had come for him to push that boundary with some more direct ways of tapping into the past.
"Ross? What are you thinking?" Demelza asked.
Ross came out of his head to look at her. Like his wife, his brain told him one thing: to take things slow, perhaps even forgetting what just happened between them, going back to trying to court and coax Demelza's memory out. And like his wife, his heart was telling him something completely different. That he loved this woman, in any version. The conflict was real and Ross was losing patience especially now that he'd had a taste of her once again. He knew that living with her he might not be able to contain his feelings. It was that thought that took him back to the beginning; to the time when a similar incident led to the decision to marry her. Then he hadn't bothered to discuss the issue with her. It was just a fact of life to be accepted. Then it was that blue dress that set their lives in motion. He knew that what he wanted more than anything was for Demelza to remember that they were married. That she was his wife, not Elizabeth or anyone else. But now it was clear that until that time, they would have to put aside their desire for each other and go about as they had before this afternoon. The problem was that Ross wasn't sure he could do that but knew he had to make the effort for Demelza's sake.
"I'm thinking that you're right," he started.
"About what?" Demelza asked.
She wondered if her impression of Elizabeth was just as she thought; that the woman still had a hold of her husband's heart. Demelza startled herself, for it was the first time she allowed herself to feel Ross was indeed her husband, and not because she was told it was so. She was jealous.
"About our…this…afternoon. Perhaps it was too soon. You're still healing both physically and emotionally. I should have put a stop to it before it got too far," he said.
Ross walked to where Demelza stood and took her hands.
"But that was the only mistake about it, Demelza. Nothing else that transpired between us was a mistake. Not where it happened, or how. And most especially, not your actions. Because we both know that if you didn't start something, I would have. I've wanted you since I first saw you again in Roscoff. I'm only grateful that you were the brave one to initiate it."
He smiled at her, before bringing her hands up to his lips to kiss them. Demelza looked into his eyes as he did this, her heartwarming to him in a way that seemed familiar. For the first time, she felt the connection of a wife to her husband. He let go of her hands and took a step back. They both took moment to assess the situation.
"Well then," she said, "I believe that's the first time we've agreed on something. So what do you propose we do Ross? "
Her question was genuine for she needed to know how to behave going forward.
"I purpose that we go on as we had been before today. Taking care of our farm and our family. And learning about each other again. Does that seem reasonable?"
"Yes. And our sleeping arrangements?"
"Will remain as they are now. At least for the time being," he said.
Moving back towards her so that he could make sure she understood the meaning of his next thoughts. He wrapped his arms around her waist and spoke softly into her ear.
"But know this, my love. That I will not lock the door to our bedroom, should you find you would like to share my bed again."
With that, he kissed her cheek then moved to her mouth, brushing his lips against hers. Demelza responded by tilting her head up and raising her hand to touch his face. The kiss only lasted moments but conveyed so much. It was the kiss of a promise between two people who knew they loved each other and who would do whatever it took to bring that love back full circle. Ross said nothing. He gave Demelza one last smile before leaving her alone to her thoughts. She didn't move as she watched him exit the room, her mind working to sort out the day and all the implications of it. Sitting back on the window sill, she gazed out Nampara and for the first time, started to feel as though she was home.
Another week passed as Ross and Demelza returned to their daily lives at Nampara however, now there was the added element of each of them knowing what it was like to taste, feel and love the other. That knowledge, as much as they had agreed to put it in the back of their minds would often find its way to the forefront, usually at the most inexplicable or inopportune times. This constant ripple of tension was becoming overwhelming resulting in the couple going out of their way to avoid being in each other's company. During the day, chores and Jeremy kept them busy enough to divert their minds and emotions from the situation. It was at night when they parted and went to their own rooms that things became almost unbearable. It got to the point that they could no longer give each other even a passing kiss or touch because the electricity between them threatened to ignite again. Still, they carried on as Master and Mistress Poldark of Nampara, at least for the world to see. And Demelza had a chance to practice her lady of the manor skills when Ross's cousin Verity came by one day for a visit.
She arrived while Ross was still at the mine, giving her and Demelza a chance to get to know each other better. They were sitting having tea when the petite brunette looked across at her cousin's wife and smiled. Demelza kept stirring her cup, shyly keeping her head bowed, actually wishing for Ross to appear to put an end to the uncomfortableness.
"I'm glad Ross isn't here because I wanted to talk to you alone," Verity said.
"Oh? Why is that?" Demelza asked, nervous about the answer.
"It's just that we didn't have much of a chance to talk the night of your dinner. So, how are you getting on? Are things more settled now?"
Verity had no idea she was opening a nest with that question and Demelza wasn't quite sure how to answer it. She had felt a connection to this woman during that dinner but was there enough trust to share these personal thoughts. Yet she needed to talk to someone before she did something else she would regret.
"I'm fine Verity. Doing quite well except…"
"Has Ross done something? My cousin often has a tendency to say or do stupid things, despite having the best intentions," Verity said with a smile.
"Well then, yes. Actually, we both have been a little ignorant in dealing with our current situation," Demelza replied.
She sipped her tea trying to think of a way to delicately explain the incident to Verity. She decided that honesty was the best course of action, even if after she spoke, she could never look Ross's cousin in the eye again.
"Ross and I crossed a boundary that we weren't prepared to deal with."
Demelza paused while she let Verity mull over what she'd just said. A sign of recognition came to the cousin's face as a blush crept into Demelza's cheeks.
"You mean you and Ross…" Verity said slowly.
"Yes. And now things have become awkward between us," Demelza explained.
"I see," the cousin replied.
Seeing her discomfort, Demelza immediately went to apologize.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up," Demelza said.
"No, don't apologize. I'm not quite sure how I can help, Demelza," Verity said.
"I'm not sure either. It's just that I need someone to talk to you and well, you're the only one that I feel some kind of easiness with. Besides, you've known Ross the longest so I trust your judgment where he is concerned."
The cousin's eyes welled with tears, touched at the younger woman's statement. Verity saw the Demelza she met years ago as Ross's kitchen maid but there was something deeper coming from her. There was a maturity that was not there before her accident. Verity attributed that to the near-death experience she went through in addition to learning how to reclaim a life she didn't remember.
"Thank you for that, my dear. It's true that Ross and I are close; in many ways, I'm closer to him than Francis, so please feel free to tell me anything you are comfortable with."
Demelza saw that Verity was sincere in her offer and thought that perhaps she could help her with the other issue that was plaguing her since that dinner. Putting the teacup down, she stood and went to the shelf where she had hidden the ring she found weeks ago. Clasping it in her hand, she walked back to where Verity sat and joined her on the settle. Without saying a word she opened her fist and showed the woman what she held.
"What's this?" Verity asked, taking the ring from Demelza.
"I don't know. I found it shortly before that dinner but there is something about it that makes me uneasy, Verity," Demelza said, her finger running over the metal in Verity's hand.
"Uneasy? How?"
"I can't explain it necessarily. I get the feeling that this ring had something to do with my accident. You've never seen it before?"
Verity looked at it again and didn't recognize it at all.
"No. Have you asked Ross about it?" she asked.
Demelza lowered her gaze, ashamed of the answer.
"No. I didn't want to upset him if this was some family heirloom or something," she said.
"Demelza, that's silly. Ross could probably tell you exactly what this is," Verity said.
"I'm sure. The other thing is that I keep getting the feeling that this ring is somehow connected to Elizabeth."
Demelza said the last part quickly, then reached for her cup again, taking a long sip. Verity watched her cousin with a questioning gaze.
"Elizabeth? How is that possible?"
"I don't know. That night you all came to dinner she was wearing a similar ring and I had flash, a memory if you will, of she and I in this room discussing something. And I saw a ring."
Demelza looked at Verity then continued.
"The other thing is that I keep feeling as though it happened around the time of my accident. I know this all sounds crazy and maybe it's all my imagination but the thought won't leave me," Demelza said.
"Which thought?"
"That Elizabeth knows something about my accident. Ross thinks it's rubbish but it won't go away. So, on top of making a complete fool of myself by throwing myself at Ross, now I sound like I'm accusing his friend and cousin in law of being a party to this nightmare. So you see right now, Ross and I are at crossroads, making it impossible for me to choose a path."
"Oh Demelza," Verity said.
She put her arm around Demelza's shoulder and held her while she cried softly.
"Demelza, I don't know what this ring is but I do know that Ross would want to know all these things you've just told me."
Verity handed her back the small piece of silver jewelry, which Demelza proceeded to put back on the shelf. Returning to the settle, she poured more tea for Verity bypassing her own cup.
"You're right Verity. I'm just scared that he'll think I've gone mad," Demelza said.
"If there is something I've come to know about you now, Demelza is that you are not afraid of anything. Including my stubborn cousin. And the one thing I know about Ross is that he believes in honesty above all else. Most of the time," Verity said.
She took Demelza's hand and gave it a squeeze for reassurance.
"Talk to him."
Demelza looked at her new found friend and cousin and nodded.
"You're right. I will as soon as he comes home."
Demelza was feeding Jeremy in the kitchen when Ross walked in the door later that day. He had a broad smile on his face, which put Demelza at ease. If he was in a lighthearted mood, then perhaps he would not be cross with her when she told him what she found and how she felt. He said nothing but did come to her and give her a kiss on the cheek in greeting.
"How are you my love?" he asked.
She was taken by surprise at the term of endearment. Since their meeting at the mine, any physical sign of affection was frowned upon because of the fear that they would not be able to control their emotions thereby leading to another encounter.
"I'm fine, Ross. Good day at the mine?" she asked.
"Every day we get one step closer to finding ore is a good day. And you?"
Demelza was curious about his demeanor. This was not the same Ross that has been brooding over the past weeks, tiptoeing around her, watching his words and actions.
"Not bad. Verity came for a visit," she told him.
"Did she now? And how is she?"
Ross took a mug from the sideboard and poured a draught of ale before taking a seat at the table. He watched as Jeremy happily took the small bits of bread and milk from his mother, letting out little chirps with each bite. The scene was so familiar that Ross felt like they were getting closer to how things were not just between Demelza and Jeremy but between them as well. This sense of comfort was just what he needed to go through with his plan for tonight which he hoped would be a true trigger for Demelza's memory. He needed her back. He just hoped she knew how much and why he was doing what he was doing.
"Verity is fine. She and I had a chat and she convinced me that I should tell you some things that I've been keeping to myself."
She wiped Jeremy's face and rose to put the dishes in the sink. Coming back to the table she picked him up and gave him a kiss as she rubbed his back to soothe him.
"Things? What things Demelza?" Ross asked.
"Not now Ross. Let me put Jeremy down and then we can talk," she said.
"Alright. I have something I want to discuss with you too," he replied.
Demelza looked at him and saw a gleam of excitement in his eyes. He was up to something and she had a niggling that whatever it was had to do with them resuming their marital relations. The resolve she thought she had control over might just come crumbling down. She put that out of her head as she carried Jeremy upstairs. Laying him in his crib, she sat by the side of the bed and sung to him softly, her hand caressing his back in small circles. Soon he was asleep. Demelza walked out of the room to meet Ross in the parlor. She found him crouched in front of the hearth, stoking the fire. He had removed his waistcoat and his braces hung by his sides. Her eyes traveled up down his back, taking in the muscles that were evident under his shirt. Demelza knew it would be so easy to forget every doubt she had in her mind and let him take her to bed. As much she wanted that, she knew that any future with Ross Poldark needed to happen on a clean slate, with no dust of the past remaining. Steeling herself for what was to come, she walked into the room and headed straight to the shelf where she had hidden the ring.
Ross finally heard her footsteps and stood, turning as she walked past.
"Demelza," he said, intercepting her path, taking a hold of her arms.
"Ross," she replied, slightly breathless. "I need to show you something."
"In a minute. First I want to tell you how much I love you, Demelza. And that I have something I think, or that is, I hope, will help you remember."
He let her go and walked out of the room, leaving Demelza bewildered as to what exactly was going on. She was about to go back to the shelf to find the ring when Ross returned carrying something. Demelza watched as he approached which is when she realized what he had in his hand was a dress. The color was a shade of blue that seemed to catch the light in such a way which made it shimmer like ocean water.
"What's that?" she asked, her hand itching to reach out and touch it.
Ross's face fell at the realization that she didn't recognize the garment. He was sure when she saw it, Demelza would instantly remembered the night she wore it.
"Demelza? You don't recognize it?" he said coming closer to her, holding the dress out to her.
"No, I'm sorry. Should I?"
Demelza was beginning to feel apprehensive. Apparently, Ross assumed that she should know what this dress was or in the least, that it belonged to her.
"I thought you might. It's the dress you wore the first night we…"
He couldn't finish that statement, now feeling like an utter fool. How could he tell her that she wore this the night he took her to his bed the first time? Demelza listened to what he said and understood now what he meant.
"Oh," she said comprehending his meaning.
She walked up to him and took the garment out of his hands, holding it up in front of her. The material was smooth but felt stiff; this was definitely not a dress to be worn every day but still, she had no recollection of wearing this at all. Ross watched her face, hoping for some sign that the memory of their first encounter had come back to her. But there was nothing. All he saw in his wife's face was confusion.
"Perhaps if you put it on, you will remember."
The suggestion was impulsive on Ross's part and as soon as he said it, he regretted it. The one thing Demelza kept emphasizing over the past weeks was that he needed to accept the possibility that she might never remember things that happened between them before her accident. His thought that her seeing or wearing the dress would change that now made it appear that he was not happy with the person he'd been living with for the past month.
"No Ross, I don't think so. Besides, it doesn't look like it would fit. Why did you bring this out?"
Ross could tell she was upset and he didn't blame her. But could she blame him for wanting to reestablish the original connection they had? To try and recapture those first days of love, even though they were born from unusual circumstances? Their relationship in those early days was a combination of innocence and passion. Her youth and openness had been intoxicating to him, so that when she offered it that night she wore this dress, he took it willingly, hoping that he could absorb some of it and erase the melancholy he'd felt since his return from the war. Ross hadn't realized that as Demelza's time at Nampara went on, she slowly chipped away at that sadness with her bright-eyed optimism and love. Those early days of their marriage were a whirlwind of passion that consumed them to the point of not caring what others thought or what occurred outside the walls of their home.
"Demelza, I only thought that if you saw this and put it on again you might remember our first days together, that's all. I'm sorry if I…"
"Stop Ross! Just stop! It's not that you wanted me to remember. It's that you want that Demelza back. Oh, you might say you are accepting of who I am now, but you're not. Not really. You want things as they were before. And perhaps that includes more than me too," Demelza cried.
She threw the dress at him and ran out, going upstairs to her room. Slamming the door, Demelza fell on the bed and cried, knowing now that the future she hoped she could have with Ross was not possible as long as he was trapped in the past. She came to a decision.
"Dwight! Dwight!"
It was barely dawn when Ross found himself at his friend's cottage banging on the door, waiting impatiently for an answer. He hadn't slept all night, the confrontation with Demelza weighing heavy on his mind. He had not seen her since she ran out of the room after his ill-conceived attempt at forcing her memory to return. Now he was desperate for some guidance in how to handle this giant misstep. He was about to knock again when it opened. Dwight stared at him, not quite sure what was going on.
"Ross? What on earth is the matter?"
Pushing past his friend, Ross walked into the house without waiting for an invitation.
"Do you have any rum?" he asked.
Dwight followed and watched as Ross circled the room like a cat in a cage.
"Yes but it's a little early to start drinking. Why don't you sit down and tell me what is going on?"
Dwight went to the small kitchen and found two glasses and the bottle of liquor. He came back to the table and took a seat, pouring the drinks quickly. It was obvious Ross had something on his mind.
"It's more like continued drinking, considering I haven't slept all night. I've really mucked things up this time, Dwight," Ross said as he gulped down the drink and poured another.
"Mucked up? How? What?" Dwight asked.
"Demelza. I did something stupid, something unthinking and I'm almost certain that I've pushed her too far. Any progress we might have made is most likely gone."
He drank again but didn't pour another one. Instead, he held his head in his hands and closed his eyes.
"Ross, I don't understand. What did you do?"
Lifting his head slowly, Ross looked at his friend hoping for some compassion when he told him what he had just done.
"I tried to make Demelza remember something specific from our past together. I thought that by showing her something that was important to both of us, her memory might be triggered. Instead, it did just the opposite," Ross said.
Dwight could see how upset his friend was but still didn't quite grasp exactly what had happened.
"What do you mean it did the opposite? Did Demelza have some sort of relapse? Does she need medical attention?"
He was doing all he could to get Ross to explain exactly what had just transpired at Nampara.
"I'm sorry. I'm not making much sense. It's just that I'm so angry at myself for being a boorish idiot that I don't know what to do. Physically Demelza is fine. I think. Emotionally, I'm not so sure. I might have just pushed back any positive moves we had made over the last few weeks. I thought that our making love in the mine was bad enough but this…this was beyond that."
The doctor's eyes widened at Ross confession of his tryst with Demelza.
"I'm sorry. You and Demelza…in the mine. Are you saying that the two of you…had relations?"
Ross looked up at his friend and saw what could only be described as shock.
"Yes. Oh, don't look at me like that. We are married. It's not as though we cheated or something," Ross said. "Well, in a way it was. And that's where the troubles started."
"I see. Did something happen during this…mine incident?"
Dwight took a swill of his drink and refilled his glass as well. He had a feeling he'd need it to hear the rest of his friend's tale.
"Not necessarily. Let's just say that our reestablishment of relations was not as it once was. It was different," Ross said, almost with embarrassment.
"Different? How?" Dwight offered but Ross said nothing to confirm. "Ross, when Demelza first returned you said that the changes you found in her were exciting. That being with this woman and the emotions she evoked from you felt almost as though you were strangers who were automatically drawn to each other. You liked this new version of Demelza. Do you remember that?"
"I did say that didn't I?"
Surprisingly, that was exactly what it was. Not until Dwight said it did Ross realize that was the problem. He liked this new Demelza and he felt guilty for it. So why was he so keen on making her remember the past?
"Yes, you did. So what was so different about your encounter with Demelza that has you bothered? And what did you do that makes you believe you've made a mess of things?"
Usually a man full of patience, Dwight found himself slowly losing it with this conversation. He liked Demelza. He liked this Demelza. He knew that if Ross let go of his stubborn need to control things and let his heart rule his head, that his friends could find their way back to each other.
"I can't explain it without making it sound tawdry," Ross started.
"Ross, we've been through a lot together so nothing you could say would make me think any less of you. As for Demelza, I have the highest regard for her. Always having to put up with you. So what is bothering so you much that you felt the need to try and push Demelza's memory?"
Ross saw his friend was sincere, which reminded him how logical Dwight was in all matters.
"It was Demelza, Dwight. She was different. Assertive, passionate. She made me feel as though she wanted me unlike anyone else," Ross stated.
"And that's a problem?"
"It shouldn't be I know. But it got me thinking. What if this new Demelza, after time, came to the conclusion that she didn't love me? That she might never love me? I don't know what I'd do. I thought if I could make her remember what we had in the past, it would secure her feelings. Does any of this make sense?"
Dwight saw the conflict in his friend and understood but didn't agree with his assessment.
"Ross, why didn't you just trust her? And trust yourself? I thought you were both on the road to finding a new relationship built from the old. I think I have to agree with you. You've mucked this up."
"Thank you, Dwight. So now that we've agreed that I've made a shambles of my marriage, again, how do you propose I fix it?" he asked.
"I'm not quite sure. The first thing I'd do is find Demelza and apologize for trying to change her. Or more to the point, revert her back to someone she quite possibly will not be again," Dwight suggested. "You need to accept that, Ross."
The friends exchanged glances and Ross came to the conclusion that Dwight was right. Would he rather have Demelza back in any way or would he rather risk losing her for good because of his need to manipulate the situation and her?
"You're right my friend. I love her. I'm nothing without her. I realized that when she was missing how much life she has brought to me. My arrogance could have ruined everything," Ross confessed.
"Yes, it could have. It still might if you don't rectify things sooner rather than later."
Ross stood up and, gulping back the last of the rum in his glass, shook his friend hand.
"Thank you, Dwight. For once again saving me. This time from myself."
The young doctor smiled and clapped Ross on the back.
"Don't mention it," he said with a grin. "Now go home."
Ross nodded and exited the cottage with a new determination on how to deal with this new relationship. He wasted no time making his way back to the house, riding Darkie hard to get there in record time. Jumping off the horse, he tied him loosely in his stall and burst into the house, calling for Demelza. There was no answer. Prudie came out from the kitchen at his first yell and met him in the hall.
"Cap'n you'll wake the dead, never mind Master Jeremy," the servant said.
"Where's Demelza?" he asked brightly. He was anxious to talk to her not only to apologize but to tell her how he felt, hopefully putting her fear to rest.
"Ain't seen her since she told me she had to go out. Said she left something for you in the parlor."
Prudie didn't wait for Ross to respond but went back out the way she came leaving Ross standing to wonder just what was going on. He walked into the parlor with an eerie sense of foreboding. Looking around the room he saw nothing out of place until he glanced at the table. There he saw a note and recognized Demelza's handwriting. He picked it up and sat down on the settle to read it. Sliding his finger along the seal he opened it; something fell out, landing on the floor next to his foot. Ross bent down and recognized it as the ring he had taken from Elizabeth all those years ago when he went to war. He had forgotten about it and now wondered what it was doing in a note from his wife. Leaning towards the fire to gain some light, his hands shook as he started to read:
Dear Ross,
I am going back to Roscoff. Mr. Trencrom has been kind enough to make room for me on his next run, so I will be leaving from Falmouth with the tide. Please try to understand. I need time to make sense of all that has happened since you found me and brought me back to Nampara. As much as you say you can love me as I am now, it was clear last night, when you showed me that dress that you are still hoping for the Demelza you married to reappear. And I cannot promise that. For whatever reason, that Demelza is choosing to remain hidden. So here I am caught between a person that was created, a girl named Sally and a person I feel comfortable as which is this new Demelza. But that is not acceptable for you. I cannot go on living here, pretending to be someone I'm not or continually see the disappointment in your eyes. So it's best that I leave to sort things out. And to give you time to sort your feelings as well. Not only about us but about Elizabeth. Enclosed is a ring I found that seems to be connected to her. She told me that you are still bound to her in some way. Do not ask me how I remember this, for I cannot tell you. Yet I still believe she knows what happened the day of my accident whether you believe that or not. If this is true, I will not and cannot stay to be second best, no matter who my mind tells me I am.
Believe me when I say I love Jeremy and know I am his mother. It's true what they say: that the bond between mother and child is one that nothing can break, no matter the circumstance. Yet I am no good to him as a mother if this shadow between us cannot be cleared away. As for my feelings for you Ross, you are my love. I believe I have known that from the first time we met again. It's only now that I can say it to you freely. Yet I am saying it, but not as your Demelza, but as myself. Whether that is Sally or just your wife, I cannot explain. Only know that my heart is yours. I hope, that in time, your heart will be mine. Fully and completely.
Take care, my love.
Demelza
Ross noticed that she had crossed out her name which was like a knife to the heart. It was not just as if she were running away but as if she were leaving Demelza behind. He re-read the note again, this time focusing on the part regarding the ring in his hand. What had Elizabeth to do with any of this? And how had Demelza come to find this? His mind was swimming with all these questions and he would not rest until he got answers to all of them. First, though, he had to try and find Demelza before she left Cornwall. Crushing the note and ring in his hand, he shoved them both into his coat pocket and left to find Trencrom. He refused to lose his wife again.