A.N- Alright, guys, I'm sorry it took me a while to get this up. As you can see, this is a super long chapter, and it took me a while to get it done, especially as I got stuck at a couple of parts. Also, I change perspective a couple of times in this chapter. I may do that in other chapters of this story, but if I do I promise I will clearly mark where each new perspective begins. Finally, I'm sorry if this chapter is a bit darker than usual. I promise the next one will be lighter, and that it'll come sooner.

Chapter Ten

Magnus

Magnus wasn't sure how long he'd been lying here in the dark, trying to get to sleep. He wished Alec was here. It had been maybe ten days since he'd first slept with him, and for at least half of them he'd ended up calling Alec over.

Once or twice, they'd had sex, but most of the time they just slept. It was the nightmares that prompted him to call Alec, more often than not. Sometimes, he'd talk to Alec about them, sometimes he wouldn't, it depended on how bad they got. Really, it was just nice not to be on his own.

With a sigh, he turned over again and closed his eyes, making one more attempt at sleep.

He was back in Aldertree's office again. This time, though, something was different. It wasn't Raphael tied to the chair, it was Camille.

"This is all your fault," she hissed. "Look at what you've done to me, you've ruined everything!" He wasn't sure how he found the strength to speak, but he did.

"I was only doing what I had to do. They tortured Raphael, I couldn't risk anything like that happening again. I'm sorry, but I have to put my family first." He took a deep breath. "And you did this to yourself. I just helped things along a little."

"You didn't have to do anything. Why is Raphael so important to you, anyway? Why would you take away all that time with me for the handful of decades you've known him? It doesn't make any sense." Magnus closed his eyes.

"For someone with so many children, you'd think you'd have a better understanding of what being a parent is like." Normally, he wouldn't dream of talking to her like this, but right now he was feeling brave. Deep down, he knew it would be very different if she wasn't restrained, but he didn't want to focus on that just now.

"What did you just say to me?" He shivered slightly under her frosty glare, and struggled to remain standing straight.

"You heard me." He could just make out the crack in his voice- and he'd been doing so well, too.

"You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that." She smiled coldly. "It's probably all just talk, though. You're too much of a coward to really be a treat to me."

He turned away from her, closing his eyes. It always came back to this, whenever he tried to stand up to her, whenever he tried to leave. She would always say he was too much of a coward to really do it.

"Shut up," he said, so quietly he was surprised she heard him.

"Or what?" she hissed. "What's the matter? Can't stand to hear the truth? I mean, you know I'm right. I've known you were a coward since the day I met you- the mere fact you were about to take the coward's escape route said it all." In that moment, he hated her. She was always bringing up that day, whether as a way of putting him down or a way of keeping him in place.

"Will you shut up?" He snapped, knowing full well that she wouldn't.

Honestly, why are you even still here? Are you really that pathetic that you can't wake up from your own damn dream? Even now, you can't manage without me. Come here," she paused. "And put the glamour back up on your eyes. You know I can't stand them." He raised a hand to do as she'd asked, but dropped it.

Instead, he walked towards her. Somehow, impossible as it was, she'd managed to free her wrists. Grabbing hold of his arm, she roughly pushed back his sleeve. Magnus could hear his heart pounding in his ears, as he dreaded what she was about to do.

Leaning down so that he could feel her long hair brushing his skin, she sank her teeth into his wrist…

He sat up, shaking all over. Where had that come from? He hadn't thought about Camille- really thought about her- in so long. Maybe it was guilt, for handing her over to the Clave? Whatever it was, he wanted to try and put it out of his head for now.

Reaching into his bedside cabinet again, he produced the folder of pictures he kept near the bottom. They'd been gathered up over the centuries, reminders of some of the more important people he'd known in that time. At least, the ones that had been important to him.

There were pictures of Raphael, Ragnor, Catarina, Dot, even a few of Tessa, Will and Jem. The ones of Ragnor were particularly hard to look at, since it hadn't been long since he'd died. Quickly, he put them at the bottom of the pile, where they could be dealt with later.

Eventually, he found the picture of Camille, near the end. For a moment, he held it, not knowing what to do with it. Deep down, he knew he should probably get rid of it, since he was trying to cut her out of his life properly and everything. He set it down on the bedside table, putting the other photos back in the folder. If he'd been in a better mood, it might have occurred to him that he ought to get one of Alexander. As it was, he wasn't thinking about that. Instead, he was looking at the picture again. It was old, taken on a rare good day. He couldn't look at it for longer than a couple of minutes at a time, it brought back too many memories…

"Do you think I could be a High Warlock at some point, like Ragnor?" he asked, trying to sleep, even though outside the sun was shining, and despite the heavy curtains, there was still some light in the room.

"No. Now stop daydreaming and let me sleep."

"Why not?" He didn't know why he was continuing- it never went well.

"Magnus, listen. Being a High Warlock is a big responsibility," she explained, as if he was a child. "Do you honestly think that you could handle that? Look at Ragnor, and then look at yourself. I don't mean to sound rude, but you really aren't that good a warlock. You'll probably never meet the standards of someone like Ragnor."

He shook his head, trying to snap out of the memory, trying to get his head out of Camille's bedroom in her London mansion, and back to his own loft in Brooklyn, in the present day. Why did I ever accept that? Why did I ever let her talk to me like that? He sighed, knowing perfectly well why. He'd never had very high self-esteem, what with one thing and another, and Camille was the sort of person who was very, very good at exploiting that fact.

After a while, he decided to put the picture back inside the drawer, get a drink and deal with it later. Getting out of bed, he was trying to decide what sort of drink he should make. However, when he got into the kitchen, all thoughts of drinking went out of his head, because Ragnor was sitting at his kitchen counter, in the same spot where Alexander had sat just over a week ago.

"Okay, this is just getting ridiculous." Magnus did not have the energy to deal with this right now. He ran a hand through his hair and looked around, pretending to be scanning the room for somebody. "Do any other ghosts from my past want to drop by tonight, or is this it?"

"What sort of greeting is that?" Ragnor looked genuinely offended. "I've been gone for weeks, and the first time I show up again you look annoyed."

"You're dead! I've been trying to accept that and move on! Forgive me if I'm not conjuring you up every five minutes, but I've got things to do, a present that's actually worth living for again. I didn't want to see you tonight, I wanted to have a drink, maybe call Alexander and try to sleep. So, I'm sorry if I'm not exactly overjoyed that you're here, defying all logic, because I didn't want you here." Okay, now he'd probably gone too far. Ragnor was past the point of looking offended, he actually looked hurt.

"Magnus, you must've wanted me here, even if it was just subconsciously. Still, maybe it's best if I go, since you clearly aren't in the mood to talk to me right now." Before Magnus could say another word, he'd already disappeared.

"Ragnor!" he called, cursing his own stupidity. Why had he said that? It had been so long since he'd seen Ragnor- the day of Alexander's wedding, if he remembered correctly. He could've used his help, on a lot of things. But he was dead, and if his ghost was only going to appear at inconvenient moments like that…

He sank into one of the chairs at his kitchen table, not wanting to sit at the counter, but still needing to sit somewhere. If Tessa or Raphael were here, they'd make a joke about him getting old, and it just might make him smile- even though 400 really wasn't that old, not compared to other warlocks. Instead, he felt tears stab at his eyes, and he blinked them away quickly. He rarely cried, and he wasn't about to let this be one of those occasions.

However, he was exhausted, and it had been a really shitty night, and it was this or wake Alexander up and bother him with his problems, and Alec probably had enough to deal with… Maybe he could allow himself a couple of minutes, then take it from there.

A couple of minutes turned into ten, before he finally managed to make himself stop. He wasn't entirely sure what possessed him to do what he did next. After all, for the last few weeks, he'd kept up quite a few boundaries where Alexander was concerned. He never talked about the darker parts of his past, and he never let Alec see him unless he looked reasonably decent. And right now, he was well aware that he looked worse than he had in a long time. Which was why it made zero sense that he'd opened up a portal, one which would take him straight to Alec's room. He took a deep breath.

"I must be out of my mind," he muttered before he stepped through.

Alec

Alec had been trying to get to sleep, but he wasn't having very much luck. More than anything, he wished he was with Magnus. It was strange- he hadn't expected to miss him this much, or this strongly. Yet his arms ached to hold him, and he wished more than anything that he was back in Magnus's apartment. He located his phone, and was about to call his boyfriend's number when a portal opened up in the wall across from his bed.

Instinctively, he climbed out of bed, grabbing his stele and the handle of a seraph knife from his bedside table. He summoned the blade and was preparing to fight- though he wasn't entirely sure why a potential attacker would come to his room specifically- when Magnus stepped into the room through the portal.

Alec almost didn't recognise him at first. His eyes looked red and puffy, even from here, and the glamour was down for once. His hair was messier than Alec had ever seen it, as if he'd been tossing and turning most of the night, then ran his hands through it a couple of times. Alec didn't realise he'd dropped his stele and blade until he heard them clatter to the floor. Magnus raised an eyebrow.

"You weren't going to use those on me, were you?" There was something in his voice. Sadness, maybe, or resignation, like he'd always known this would happen.

"Sorry, I didn't realise it was you." He smiled, as calmly as he could. "You should've called me, then I would've known to expect you at least." He took a step towards Magnus, wanting to pull him close but not sure how he would react. In all the time they'd known each other, he didn't think he'd ever seen Magnus look this sad, and he didn't know how to help.

"Don't worry about it." He waved a hand over his eyes, putting the glamour back up, and for once Alec didn't say anything. Instead, he continued to move closer until he was standing directly in front of Magnus and took hold of his hands.

"What's wrong?" he whispered. He didn't want to push Magnus to share something he wasn't ready to talk about, but at the same time, he didn't want to let him suffer in silence and feel like he didn't care.

"Where do you want me to start?" He sighed and went to sit on the end of the bed. "Do you think I could stay here tonight, and we could talk more in the morning?" Alec nodded.

"Yeah, that's fine." He climbed into bed, and Magnus lay beside him. Alec's bed was smaller than Magnus's, so they had to lie close together so they could both stay on it. Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus and pulled him close, as much in an attempt to comfort him as anything else.

Magnus

Perhaps this hadn't been the best idea in the world, Magnus realised as he tried to sleep. He'd thought it would be easier now that he was here with Alexander, and to some degree it was. However, he still couldn't clear his head enough to allow him to sleep.

"Alexander," he whispered after a minute. "Are you awake?"

"Yeah, I am now. What's wrong?"

"Nothing, really. I just… I just had a really, really awful night, and I thought I might feel better if I talked about it. The problem is, though, that I don't know where to start." He wondered whether or not he was imagining it, or if Alec pulled him even closer. His chest was now pressed against Magnus's back, and he could feel the fabric of Alec's t-shirt against his skin now, so maybe he wasn't imagining it.

"Maybe start at the beginning," he suggested. And so he did. He told him about the nightmare, about the pictures, about Camille and Ragnor and the stupid things he'd said. When he was done, he turned in Alec's arms, burying his face in his neck.

"Is there anything I can do?" Alec asked after a minute. Magnus thought about that.

"I don't know. Just… stay with me tonight, that's all." Even asking for that felt like too much. Alec kissed his forehead, almost catching him by surprise.

"No problem." He smiled. "I mean, you're at a bit of an advantage, since there's nowhere else I could really go other than here. All the same, I'm happy to stay." His hazel eyes were warm, and Magnus couldn't help falling in love with him even more.

"I love you," he whispered, as unthinkingly as he had the first time. As soon as he realised what he'd said, he closed his eyes. "Sorry, I didn't mean to say that. I've been telling myself over and over, I shouldn't say that again, I don't want to-" He was cut off by Alec's lips pressing against his, hard and fast.

"Don't be silly," he whispered, after he'd pulled away. "Say it if you want to say it, I don't mind anymore." Magnus blinked at him, taking a moment to absorb what he'd said. After a moment, he leaned in to kiss him. Another impulsive decision- it seemed that most decisions he made tonight regarding Alexander were impulsive.

The kiss quickly escalated, and before Magnus knew what was happening, he was lying back on the bed, Alec on top of him, kissing him passionately. He rested his hands on Alec's shoulders, debating whether or not to switch positions. Just then, Alec broke the kiss.

"Do you want to swap places?" he asked. "Or would you rather not do this at all?" Magnus thought about it for a minute. On the one hand, he wouldn't normally trust anyone enough to allow them to take this position during sex, but on the other hand… this was Alec, and he was always an exception. However, could he trust him with this? He closed his eyes, leaned up and kissed him. Just this once, he would.

So far, Magnus wasn't regretting this decision. Alec was awkward, yes, but it was obvious his awkwardness came from inexperience. He was figuring out what to do, testing out things that Magnus had done to him previously, seeing if they worked or not.

"Do you want to change places?" Magnus whispered eventually.

"Am I really that bad at this?" Alec asked, whispering too.

"No, it's just..." he trailed off as Alec kissed his neck.

"How does that feel?" he breathed.

"Good," he replied, his tone light and slightly teasing.

"Just good?" Alec was smiling, and he bent his head again to kiss Magnus's neck.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea- it had been at least half an hour, but it didn't feel like they were getting anywhere. Realising this probably wasn't the right time to do this, Magnus was just about to voice these feelings when Alec lightly bit his neck. Immediately, his eyes flew open, panic flooding him. He tried to quell it, to remind himself that everything was fine, but even so, he was briefly reminded of sharp fangs piercing his skin. It was only a moment, but it was enough.

"Alec," he whispered, pushing at his shoulders. It might not work, but he had to try. "Stop, that's enough." Alec's response was instant. He shifted so that he was lying beside Magnus, leaning over him a little so that he could cup his face.

"Is everything okay?" Magnus frowned, not sure what to tell him.

"Yeah." He sighed. "Just don't do that again, please?" Alec nodded, and kissed his forehead.

"Alright." He moved again so that he wasn't leaning over Magnus anymore. "Is there anything else you want to talk about?"

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I was going to say we should stop even before you bit me. It wasn't anything you were doing, it just wasn't the right time. There are conversations we need to have before we try that again, and now isn't the time to be having them. Maybe tomorrow, once we've had a chance to sleep, but not until then, alright?" Alec nodded again, and wrapped his arms around Magnus, who turned so that he was facing away from him.

"Do you mind if I ask why you didn't want me biting your neck?" Alec asked eventually. For a moment, Magnus wasn't sure whether or not he should tell him the truth. Taking a deep breath, he decided to confide in him- he was doing that a lot lately, it seemed.

"Back when I was with Camille, sometimes she..." He paused, not sure how to phrase it.

"It's alright, take all the time you need," Alec whispered. Magnus closed his eyes, and took a moment to think of the right words. Eventually, he opened his eyes again.

"She used to drink my blood quite a lot, whether I wanted her to or not." Again, he felt Alec's arms tighten slightly around him. "It didn't happen all the time, of course, and I usually did something to deserve it," he added quickly. "Still, it was enough to make me not want anyone to do that again. For now, at least, that includes you too."

"Alright. That's fine, I can accept that." He paused. "Also, I highly doubt that anything you could've done would have warranted that. Either way, I'm not going to do anything like that, not unless we've talked about it first." He didn't address anything else that he'd said, and Magnus didn't blame him. He had told him a pretty big thing, after all- maybe they could talk about that another day.

"That's good to know." They were quiet for a few minutes, before Magnus finally fell asleep.

The sound of an alarm clock woke him up the next morning. For a moment, he felt disoriented, waking up in an unfamiliar room, with an unfamiliar alarm. Then he turned his head and saw Alec reaching out to switch off the alarm, and he remembered how he'd ended up here.

"Sorry about that," he muttered.

"You know, I'm not even surprised that you have an alarm clock, to be honest."

"I don't even notice it anymore, I've had it so long." Nodding, Magnus turned his head so that he was facing away from Alec again.

"Do you want me to go, so you can get on with your day?"

"No, you can stay if you want."

"I probably shouldn't, with things being the way they are at the moment. I mean, you're welcome to come over to my place later, but it's probably best if I leave just now."

"Alright." They both got out of bed, and Magnus quickly used his magic to fix his hair. He'd done this often enough that he didn't need a mirror anymore. When he turned to look at Alec, he was smiling.

"Do you have a t-shirt or something I can borrow? I'll give it back later, don't worry." Alec nodded and handed him a black t-shirt, which he quickly pulled on.

"Are you okay to go home? Or is there anything else you want to talk about?" Magnus shook his head.

"No, I'm fine. Thanks for letting me stay, though." Alec moved so that he was standing in front of him, taking hold of both of his hands.

"No problem. Thanks for letting me in. You didn't have to tell me all that stuff last night, but I'm glad you did. I'm here if you want to talk about anything else, even if it's not something serious, like, I don't know… that one time you met George Washington or something."

"Strangely enough, I never actually met Washington. Of all the famous people I've met, he was never one of them."

"I see. Maybe one of these days you can tell me about some of the people you have met."

"Maybe I will." He let go of Alec's hands and turned towards the wall where he'd opened up the portal last night. "I'll talk to you later, alright?" Alec nodded again, and Magnus summoned the portal. He looked back at him once and smiled at him, before stepping through and going back to his apartment.